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Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 6

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 11:00:00 GMT

Good Day

Leo Messi

If there is a better footballer out there, at this very magic moment in time, then La Liga Loca will eat its hat. Oh yes, it will.

It was a stupidly good performance on Saturday night to give the once over to a pathetico Atlético and force Javier Aguirre to beg the Argentine ace for mercy during the half-time break.

“I asked him to be humble in victory and he asked that we wouldn’t boot him about. He’s a gentleman,” revealed the Mexican manager on why Barça added just the one second half strike to their terrific tally.

As to be expected, the balmy Barcelona press have greeted the performance in the same manner as some pre-teen terrors bumping into Hannah Montana in ASDA.

“OOOOHHH!” screamed Mundo Deportivo’s headline on Sunday. “It wasn’t a match it was a fiesta,” giggled Josep Maria Casanovas in Sport, who described in great detail and with complete lack of taste “a tsunami of football.”

Heck, even Marca joined in the fun by ditching Real Madrid from Sunday’s front page to lead with the banner “Messi is still the king.” Naturally, Raúl was AS’s front page what with it being either a) the weekend or b) a midweek day.

"You're hat's safe Stannard..."

Villarreal, Valencia

Both unbeaten, both trundling along nicely and both continuing to set the bar so high for their rivals that Xavi would need a step ladder to order a drink.

Both managers complained of a certain lack of zip and zest in their play and can look to midweek European exertions as the criminal culprit. But both came through with wins against Betis and Valladolid respectively.

Raul Tamudo

At last, a smile returned to the Espanyol captain’s little hamster face after scoring at the Bernabeu. And it was a deserved Perico point on Sunday after de la Peña, Garcia and Tamudo showed they are still classier than Roger Federer pouring a cup of tea.

Eliseu

Hell’s bells. Two wins in two from the Malaga side that looked completely doomed after just four games gone. And Sunday’s 4-0 rout of Recreativo was down to the counter-attacking talents of the Portuguese winger Eliseu.

Sporting

It’s one win from one at the start of Sporting’s proper, real, grown-up season. Having been handed and now finished an opening run that included a smacking by Sevilla, a beating by Barcelona, a rogering by Real Madrid and, er, a very hard time against Villarreal, Manolo Preciado’s men turned from cannon-fodder to cannon balls with a 2-0 away win in Mallorca’s Balearic base.

Sevilla

La Liga Loca was complaining recently that Sevilla simply weren’t sexy anymore. However, they won’t give a flying fig as the Andalusians are currently enjoying a fine start to the season, sitting snugly in third and 11 matches unbeaten.

Whilst they may no longer be the Elsa Pataky of La Liga, they fit comfortably into the Drew Barrymore bracket. Still fun to spend time with and would be considered foxy after a couple of beers.

Raúl

La Liga Loca is having to suffer the slings and arrows or outrageous hyperbole, so you should too.

“Heroic,” “a great Raúl wasn’t enough,” “superb execution,” banchee’d Marca.

“Raúl has an extra-matrimonial relationship with someone called the Bernabeu” reveals Tomas Roncero in AS on a player “who has spent 14 years justifying the price of entry.”

"Please sir, can I have my ball back?"

Bad Day

Tomas Ujfalusi

La Liga Loca must be coming down with something. True, it has been feeling a little peaky for a while now. This can be the only explanation for not feeling the overwhelming desire to have a childish kick at Atlético’s footballing knackers, this fine Monday afternoon.

Or maybe those hours spent in the Vicente Calderón are starting to have unfortunate side-effects? Like the rash it has picked up.

Or maybe it just felt sorry for Tomas Ujfalusi who was left looking as bewildered and bothered as Guti in a book shop.

Unfortunately, the blog is alone in having sympathy for a side forced to play Saturday’s game without Maniche, Simao, Forlán and with a clearly unfit Kun continuing to hobble about the pitch.

“To say Atlético lasted eight minutes would be generous,” sniffed Iñaki Díaz Guerra in AS.

The bad news for a shell-shocked Atlético is that they now take the next step in La Liga’s ridiculous fearsome foursome by taking on Real Madrid in the Calderón - a match that rarely goes well for the rojiblancos.

"Oh 'eck, here comes that Messi again..."

Athletic Bilbao

The Basque side currently sucks royally playing the poor teams of the Primera, so only merciful Zeus knows what will happen once they take on Barcelona, Real Madrid and Villarreal in their next three matches.

The first part of their own ‘round of death’ ended in disaster on Sunday with Joaquín Caparrós’ boys being spanked like a Tory back bencher.

Real Betis

It pains La Liga Loca to the core to say this, but Real Betis have not been that bad this season. But that will come as absolutely no consolation considering they are rock bottom of the table with just two points.

Osasuna

La Liga Loca’s gloomy prediction of a brain-numbing stalemate shocker in Pamplona was just seconds away from coming true. But then Racing popped up with a cheeky and reportedly undeserved winner, which must have had the home fans trying to force their knuckles down their throats just to end the torment.

Osasuna have failed to score in the last four games and the pressure is on Ziganda to give their strikers a big old boot up the backside.

“The fans pay and have the right to think what they want,” said Ziganda - Cuco code for ‘I know where they live.’

Zlatan magic for Mourinho, Ranieri faces the chop

Riccardo Rossi — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 08:00:00 GMT

Jose Mourinho has saved his job for another couple of weeks.

Well, it isn’t that dire of course, but the pressure has been on the Portuguese.

The honeymoon period is long gone and the reality of daily life married to the demanding Italian press seems to have already worn the “lippy one” down somewhat.

Sky Italia employed a “Jose watch” during the game against Bologna on Saturday – the camera homing in on his face for tell-tail signs of mid-game meltdown.

"Who said that? Who's there?"

No such luck: no tics, twitches or involuntary spasms to report, just a few more lines and maybe a hint of darker rings under the eyes. Nothing a few days away from media duties wouldn’t fix.

Still scribbling in that little note-book though, although he still had his wits about him to literally keep it close to his chest whenever he sensed another close-up.

Thank goodness then for something on the pitch to catch the eye.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored what has to be the goal of the season in Italy and without exaggeration probably the best goal for many a season.

It’s doubtful Kung Fu icon Bruce Lee could have produced a more stunning waist-high back-heel, to send an opponent flying through a wall, as the Swede did with the ball.

Probably better to catch it on YouTube…

"How the hell did I do that?"

Ibra produced a similar feat before when he scored for Sweden against Italy at Euro 2004 and, of course, the extravagant flick was the stock in trade of his former coach Roberto Mancini.

No surprise that Zlatan practised a bit of taekwondo when he was younger.

There was another knockout blow down in Rome where Simone Inzaghi, of all people, ensured Lazio did not slip off top spot going into the international break.

The goal-shy striker, who had not found the net for four years and had spent most of the season banished to train with the youth side, came on as a late substitute to score the equaliser against Lecce.

His face was a picture to behold as he ran back to the halfway line, mouthing a few sweet nothings in the direction of coach Delio Rossi: naturally annoying must be a family trait.

"I scored!... I SCORRRRRRRRED!"

Bad day all round for Juventus and AS Roma who both lost and finished their games a player down - in Roma’s case, two.

Juve had Mohamed Sissoko sent-off and the problems they faced in midweek in Minsk – sluggish defence and lack of invention in midfield - were exploited by a lively Palermo.

Ranieri should be one starting to worry that he is next for the chop, and if reports are to be believed, former defender Ciro Ferrara is the dressing room favourite to take over.

Meanwhile, lack of discipline continues to dog Roma.

Luciano Spalletti could only stare at the ground as first Philipe Mexes talked himself into a second yellow card at Siena and was quickly followed by central defensive partner Christian Panucci for a reckless challenge.

Couple that with AC Milan drawing at bottom side Cagliari and the weekend’s shocks were just the perfect pick-me-up Jose needed.

Obama’s a Hammer, yo-yo clubs and the best team name ever

Paul Simpson — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 07:00:00 GMT

Obama’s Hammer blow for McCain...
“The beautiful game is democracy in action and reflects American ideals and values like teamwork and diversity.”

So says the campaign website Soccer Fans For Obama. There is a dearth of posts on the site. There aren’t even any comments from West Ham United fans. Obama was a 10,000-1 shot for the manager’s job at Upton Park and is an Irons fan – according to The Sun – in part because of the enthusiastic advocacy of the Hammers by relatives in Kent.

Obama may be to bowling what Simon Cowell is to modesty but journalists watching him kickabout before one of his daughter’s games reckon he’s got nifty feet. Mind you, in this picture he looks reluctant to give it some welly. Still, John McCain is probably a gridiron man and Sarah Palin’s a hockey mom so maybe, come election day, soccer fans will lump for Obama.

If the election’s tight, could exiled Hammers with a vote swing it?

"We lost 3-1?... at home to Bolton?!"

Italy won a European final this year – and nobody noticed...
It was the kind of result I’d love to hear James Alexander Gordon read out: “Croats in Serbia 0, South Tyrol 1.”

The South Tyrol football team may be full of players who speak German and Ladin (a minor Romance language) but the lads from this northern Italian province know how to keep a clean sheet. That 1-0 win secured Europaeda 2008 – the first ever “soccer tournament for the autochthonous, national minorities in Europe” held this June in Switzerland – for South Tyrol.

Spare a thought for Denmark’s North Frisians, who lost 46-1 to the ‘Roma in Hungary’ and blew their ethnic local derby, getting stomped 19-1 by ‘Germans in Denmark’. With score-lines like that, Setanta should buy the rights for the next Europaeda.

Now that’s what I call a yo-yo club...
Barry Town, Manchester City and Nurnberg share one dire, statistical niche: they have all been relegated the season after winning the title.

City trailblazed this extreme form of football yo-yoing by winning the league in 1931 and going down in 1932 but it is so popular in Scandinavia that the indispensable www.rsssf.com has dubbed this phenomenon Nordic nonsense. Four Swedish clubs, three apiece from Denmark and Norway have all done this. Few relinquished the aura of title-winners as quickly as UDIB in Guinea-Bissau. The reigning champs were relegated after failing to turn up for the first two matches of the 2004 season.

By far the greatest team name...
Five English teams have won the title in their first season after being promoted to the top flight. They are Liverpool (1906), Everton (1932), Spurs (1951), Ipswich (1962) and Nottingham Forest (1978). In Trinidad and Tobago, newly promoted Joe Public won the 2006 title. Joe Public, for me, is by far the best football team name in the world. Ever.

Lausanne-Sports is a more prosaic club name. But the Swiss side have one unique claim to fame: they have won promotion and the championship in the same season.

In 1931/32, the Swiss league system was almost as confusing as the Rubik’s cube. Instead of one top flight, Switzerland had Group A and Group B, both consisting of nine teams. The winners of A and B automatically qualified for a final round while the runners-up played each other to compete in that round. Bizarrely, Lausanne-Sports qualified for the final round as winners of the league below Group A and B. The four then played a traditional group. Lausanne and Zurich, level with four points, played off in a final which Lausanne won 5-2 to become champions.

This gloriously convoluted system didn’t last. By 1933/34, attempts to pioneer football rhomboids and hexagons had been replaced with the safe, dull, but simple pyramid.

Joe Public (Red) in action vs New England Revolution

And finally…
Lionel Messi has been voted the best player in the UEFA Champions League this season by readers of Marca and Gazzetta. The surprise inclusion on the list is Juve’s starlet Giovinco who came eighth. His teammate Alessandro Del Piero came fourth, some feat for a player who has been written off every season since his cruciate knee ligaments were ruined in 1998.

Premier League Previews: Swearing, shaving and scoring

FourFourTwo Team — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:00:00 GMT

It’s been a hectic old week here at FourFourTwo.com towers.

Still reeling from Arsenal messing up our Footy15 coupon, we were further antagonised to learn that the website of a national newspaper had half-inched a large portion of our exclusive interview with Eric Cantona (him from that old Eurostar advert), without having the decency to credit FFT at any point (incidentally, the November issue of FourFourTwo is available now).

We then laboured like caffeine-fuelled beavers (or at least the techno-bods did) to complete improvements to our sister sites WeekendWonders.co.uk and FootballTalentSpotter.com before FourFourTwo FC set off to batter Zenit St Petersburg (or was it Zenith Optimedia…) 5-1 at Rushden and Diamonds’ Nene Park.

Rushden's Nene Park: Home of FFT's humbling of Zenit(h)

But enough about us…

Much like two weeks ago, this weekend sees the balance of Premier League matches weighted towards Sunday, with six of the weekends 10 clashes taking place on the Sabbath, thanks again in no small part to the week’s UEFA Cup action.

One team who won’t be playing on a Thursday night again this season will be Everton.

Out of two cup competitions by the first weekend of October and with no points from three Premier League home matches, a win in this weekend’s game at Goodison is crucial if the Toffees are to turn their faltering start to the season around.

Thankfully for David Moyes and his charges, it’s elaborately-fringed sweary non-cockney Joe Kinnear and his Newcastle side that travel to Merseyside on Sunday afternoon, so the points look safe already.

"Don't give it away Taylor, you ******* **** ****!!!"

Kinnear did little to ingratiate himself to the cynical local press corps in his Thursday morning conference, using what can only be described as ‘naughty’ language when addressing two particular hacks (just type ‘Kinnear’ and the rudest word you can think of into Google and you should find the full transcript).

His bizarre rant perhaps put paid to the suggestion that the nature of his appointment meant there was no pressure on Kinnear, with the former Wimbledon and Forest boss seemingly already feeling the heat of life in the ‘goldfish bowl’.

Another side who have made a poor start to their league campaign are bottom-of-the-league Spurs (you may have heard about it). Fortunately for them, and indeed typically, they seem to be just about keeping it together in the cups, having progressed to the fourth round of the Milk Cup and the group stages of the Europa Liga. So, every cloud…

They host form side Hull on Sunday, still looking for their first league win of the campaign and despite Thursday afternoon’s scrappy draw in Poland doing little to boost the side’s confidence, there is at least one factor that will almost certainly work in the Lilywhite’s favour against the Tigers and end their winless league run…

Hull boss Phil Brown has shaved off his goatee, a beard that has overseen wins at both Newcastle and Arsenal along with a home draw with Everton.

If you needed any more convincing of the power of the almighty beard (as if you would), the two matches prior to its stubbly birth saw Hull humbled by Swansea in the League Cup and given a 5-0 hiding at the hands of Wigan.

Hair today, gone tomorrow...actually it was gone Wednesday

Speaking of the Latics, Steve Bruce’s side have made a steady start to the season and continue to enhance their reputation as the role model to all promoted clubs.

Fresh from beating Manchester City, who according to one fansite are ‘destined to become the biggest club in the world’, Wigan face another home tie, this time against Gareth Southgate’s Middlesbrough.

The Latics currently sit 10th in the Premier League but are unbeaten in four matches having lost their first two (away to West Ham and at home to Chelsea), and with the aforementioned wins at the KC and over City under their belts, will be full of confidence against a Boro side who took a grand total of zero points from four matches in the month of September.

Amr Zaki looks like being one of, if not the signing of the season with five Premier League goals to his name already, and with support coming in the burly form of Emile Heskey and service being provided by Antonio Valenica and Wilson Palacios, Wigan certainly look like a decent outside bet for European qualification.

Zaki milks it like an Egyptian

FourFourTwo.com Premier League Predictions:

Saturday, October 4
Blackburn 1-3 Man Utd (Live on Setanta Sports 1, 5:30pm)
Sunderland 1-2 Arsenal
West Brom 1-1 Fulham
Wigan 2-0 Middlesbrough

Sunday, October 5
Chelsea 2-1 Aston Villa
Everton 2-0 Newcastle
Man City 1-2 Liverpool
Portsmouth 1-1 Stoke
Tottenham 2-1 Hull
West Ham 1-0 Bolton

Footy15 Pundit’s Premier League Predictions:

(winners in bold, draws in italics)

John Barnes
Blackburn v Man Utd
Sunderland v Arsenal
West Brom v Fulham
Wigan v Middlesbrough
Chelsea v Aston Villa
Everton v Newcastle
Man City v Liverpool
Portsmouth v Stoke
Tottenham v Hull
West Ham v Bolton

Tony Cascarino
Blackburn v Man Utd
Sunderland v Arsenal
West Brom v Fulham
Wigan v Middlesbrough
Chelsea v Aston Villa
Everton v Newcastle
Man City v Liverpool
Portsmouth v Stoke
Tottenham v Hull
West Ham v Bolton

'Chappers'
Blackburn v Man Utd
Sunderland v Arsenal
West Brom v Fulham
Wigan v Middlesbrough
Chelsea v Aston Villa
Everton v Newcastle
Man City v Liverpool
Portsmouth v Stoke
Tottenham v Hull
West Ham v Bolton

Kevin Day
Blackburn v Man Utd
Sunderland v Arsenal
West Brom v Fulham
Wigan v Middlesbrough
Chelsea v Aston Villa
Everton v Newcastle
Man City v Liverpool
Portsmouth v Stoke
Tottenham v Hull
West Ham v Bolton

Make your own predictions and win £275,000 this weekend with Footy15

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The Great Weekend Predictions - Round 6

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 12:30:00 GMT

Saturday

Villarreal (2nd) vs Betis (18th)

In the same way that seven dog years supposedly equates to 12 months of a human lifespan, 24 hours in Spain works out as roughly 700 years in the rest of the world.

Despite having an entire summer to sort out the sale of Betis, there is still no news of whether the mysterious mob behind the BSport consortium will be buying out Darth de Lopera’s majority share in the club.

The deadline for the deal is Saturday October 4. If no-one puts their paw print to the contract then the Lord of the Flies will walk away approximately 10 million euros richer, say Marca.

Melli, for one, thinks that the big Betis boss ain’t going anyway. “He’ll always be there,” sighed the defender discussing de Lopera's departure, “and until I see something happening I’m not going to believe it.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Barcelona (5th) vs Atlético Madrid (7th)

La Liga Loca’s Atleti-insider predicted that things would be all right on Wednesday night for the rojiblancos, on the pitch, but would potentially go a little Pete Tong, off it.

Hosting a Champions League match can be a bit of an ordeal for any team - but especially for one like Atlético which has the organisational abilities of, well, Atlético.

Strange men in suits, clutching clipboards, descend on your stadium and start telling you how to go about your business.

For this reason, every piece of non-UEFA sanctioned advertising had been covered up in the Vicente Calderón, billions of leaflets were handed to fans asking them not to throw things, start fights or racially abuse players and the scoreboard stopped publishing adverts for lap-dancing clubs.

'If you ain't UEFA-sanctioned, you ain't coming in...'

Indeed, the electronic screen was called into energetic action by showing replays and scores from other Champions League clashes. Unfortunately, it had given up the ghost by the end of the evening and resembled a Tate Modern video installation by showing everything at the same time.

The press zone was temporarily moved from the familiar cramped corridor outside a back-filling toilet to the stadium car park, saving numerous potential bust ups between elbow-jostling hacks.

All in all it was a roaring success. Aside from the game, that is, which was fine in the first half but a bit rubbish in the second.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sunday

Recreativo (16th) vs Malaga (17th)

As the blog bangs away on its keyboard there is still no word as to whether, Malaga bigwig, Lorenzo Sanz will be charged for his alleged involvement in some financial dodgy dealings last week or treated as a witness to the affair.

Sanz himself is still continuing to deny his part in the business and declared that he was merely helping out a gentleman called Alvaro Robela with a bank payment in Cordoba.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Getafe (8th) vs Almería (6th)

Those lost souls who go to watch this goalless draw could find themselves up to 60 euros poorer. 60 euros!

LLL Prediction - Draw (or 6-5 thriller)

Sevilla (4th) vs Athletic Bilbao (12th)

Creaky old Joseba Etxeberria either has a) a big fluffy bunny as an agent, b) doesn’t fancy playing for Swansea, or c) is a wonderful, wonderful person whose nobel gesture will bring tears to the cockles of football fans’ hearts all over the world.

Etxebe has agreed a deal with an incredulous Athletic Bilbao to play for free next season. Of course, this is not unheard of in Spain as the Levante squad did the same thing last year.

Etxeberria: A wonderful person or thicker than two short planks?

The joint-seizing forward is doing it as a gesture of gratitude for “the affection I have received over the years” and wants to complete 15 seasons with the club and play 500 games.

This topped off a wonderful week for Joaquín Caparrós who also received what appears to be a garden gnome from the good people of Bilbao.

“I’m happy about the honour but today is a bad day,” admitted Joaquín on Monday, hours after the side’s home defeat to Getafe.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Mallorca (9th) vs Sporting (20th)

Two wins in a row has skyrocketed a lacklustre-looking Mallorca into ninth place. Not that this stunning success will be rushing to the heads of those Balearic battlers, oh no.

“We have to keep our feet on the ground,” admitted Enrique Corales under the impression that his side had just won 8-0 in Old Trafford as opposed to having beaten Racing 2-1.

LLL Prediction - Home win.

Osasuna (14th) vs Racing (19th)

If paying spectators don’t end up running out of this match screaming “My eyes! My eyes!” La Liga Loca will be very, very surprised.

LLL Prediction - Draw

"Make it stop..."

Deportivo (13th) vs Numancia (15th)

When Fernando Alonso won the Singapore GP last week, he commented that it was “as if Numancia had beaten Barcelona or Madrid.”

La Liga Loca cannot decide if this was an insult to Numancia or his own F1 team. No matter, Numancia have leapt upon this crumb of positive publicity to send the big-chinned race-loser a shirt and tempt him from yet another day of shagging supermodels on yachts by inviting him to a match.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Valladolid (11th) vs Valencia (1st)

If La Liga Loca was Unai Emery it would have fielded the club’s ball boys in Thursday night’s UEFA Cup match against Maritimo. Instead the men from Mestalla live on to fight another day in a tournament that reached its peak in 1981.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Real Madrid (3rd) vs Espanyol (10th)

Poor Bernado. Despite winning six games in row - his best record on the Bernabeu bench - and managing the team’s first Champions League away victory for almost two years - there are still those in and around the club looking to have a pop at the moustachioed maestro.

Apparently, the club’s directors - clearly more important than anyone-else in the Real Madrid world - were upset by the fact they were told by Schuster that he would be fielding the same line-up that beat Betis.

Schuster: Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't

Instead, Bernado dropped Raúl - a capital offence for some Real Madrid fans - and perhaps won a tactical advantage over Zenit by allowing the far speedier Higuaín, Robben and Ruud to play fairly effective counter-attacking football.

Sport say that this has lead to pressure from above to let Schuster go at the end of his current contract, which is set to expire this summer.

And that’s something that would make Pedja Mijatovic break into a big, big smile. La Liga Loca is not sure the world is ready for that.

LLL Prediction - Home win

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A tale of two moods in Milan

Riccardo Rossi — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 12:00:00 GMT

Whisper it but whisper it anyway, Andriy Shevchenko can score.

He did it on Thursday when the Ukrainian finally found the net again for the only goal of the game in AC Milan’s UEFA Cup win at FC Zurich.

Maybe now we can start to lay off with the jokes that the only thing he could hit was a golf ball and that he liked nothing better than giving footballs away by kicking them into the stands.

He’s from Ukraine where apparently they aren’t big on laughing out loud, but even he cracked a smile when someone hollered ‘fore’ as he was about to shoot during a recent training session.

Sheva scores... no really

It was all smiles again in Switzerland and plenty of relief too for the 32-year-old who had already missed an absolute sitter in the first two minutes.

“Every time there seemed to be something stopping me from scoring,” he said afterwards without a trace of irony.

Yeah, your feet, Andriy. Okay, we are going to stop with the cheap shots. Oops, there we go again.

Suddenly it’s all going swimmingly for Carlo Ancelotti: Sheva back on target, Pato finally living up to his reputation - the coach is spoilt for choice in attack.

Then, there is that little love-in developing between Ronaldinho and Clarence Seedorf.

Strutting around like the football dandies they are, in the derby and then in Zurich, the pair have been playing “let’s keep the ball to ourselves.”

Seedorf and Ronnie: Yet to set a date...

Ricky Kaka has been trying to join in but being of a more puritan bent, he would like everyone to benefit from the fruits of their hard labour – and even passed the ball to Rino Gattuso.

Wild times ahead then for the Rossoneri and even better news at the back where that darling of the Italian female, Alessandro Nesta, is finally back in training and should be available after the international break.

Not so smiley-happy in the Inter camp though. If Milan are a Hollywood feel-good movie then the champs are a homage to film noir with Jose Mourinho the perfect anti-hero.

The long faces around the camp won’t look out of place in an early Bergman flick either. On the bright side it’s certainly cheered the rest of us up.

Get ready for the “Bring back Mancio” banners if the San Siro public are treated to another bore at the weekend against Bologna.

Honeymood period already over for Jose's Inter

Only Napoli failed to make it a clean sweep in the UEFA Cup although Udinese needed penalties to see off Dortmund.

Puzzling to say the least that Edy Reja should take off his most dangerous striker Ezequiel Lavezzi when Napoli were 1-0 down at Benfica with still half-an-hour to play.

The little Argentine looked full of running and well capable of producing something out of the blue.

As it stands the Neapolitans will have to pick themselves up for a tough old encounter at Genoa to maintain their unbeaten record: mark that one down as a home win.

In the pick of other games over the weekend, Lazio to remain on top with three points and three goals at home to Lecce.

Milan to defeat Cagliari by a couple, AS Roma to implode at Siena, 1-0 to Inter against Bologna plus jeers, another draw for Juventus at home to Palermo and Fiorentina to remain goal-shy at Chievo in a draw.

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Smells like team spirit at Bayern

Paul Simpson — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 11:00:00 GMT

Mumsy Scottish troubadour Lena Martell’s philosophy was “one day at a time, sweet Jesus.”

Football managers officially take one game at a time. Yet after this week’s results, some coaches are privately spinning different scenarios.

Marseille’s Eric Gerets has already revised his team’s target: this season it’s the UEFA Cup. I would bet anyone a fiver that the words ‘squad rotation’ have flashed through Rafa Benitez’s mind. And Cluj manager Maurizio Trombetta wouldn’t be human if some part of him wasn’t fantasising about returning to the Stadio Olimpico next May.

Matchday two has already whittled down the 32 contenders. Aalborg, Bordeaux, Marseille, Panathinaikos and PSV need a miracle to progress. My thoughts on Group A-D are here. Here is how I see Groups E to H.

Group E
Scott McDonald struck the near miss of the season against Villarreal, a wondrous volley from a brilliant lay off from Aiden McGeady that just failed to dip under the bar and earn Celtic the away point their 55 minutes of good play deserved.

The Bhoys away record since 2003 – in the tournament proper – now reads Played 16, W0, D1, Lost 15.

Although Gordon Strachan tried to deny it, this record must weigh on players’ minds. On the road, they have lost to FC Copenhagen, Shakhtar, Benfica (twice) and Artmedia. And against Villarreal, their defensive wall seemed to have forgotten how to jump. The funny thing is I wouldn’t be surprised if they grabbed their next away point at Old Trafford.

Celtic's wall forgets to jump... Senna scores

Villarreal are, for me, the new Liverpool, the team nobody wants to meet in the knockout stages. It is now 11 years since Borussia Dortmund became the last team to win the UEFA Champions League for the first time. Villarreal and Chelsea look the teams most likely to rewrite history this season.

Deeply trivial bonus: the last team Celtic beat away from home in the UEFA Champions League or European Cup proper was Shamrock Rovers in 1986. The Bhoys beat the Irish champions 1-0 in Dublin.

Group F
Sometimes, deciding what’s really going on at a football club is a matter of reading signs. For those who like to notice such things, the joy with which Bayern’s players ran to the touchline to celebrate Ze Roberto’s equaliser with under fire coach Jurgen Klinsmann suggested that, whatever else is wrong with Bayern, it has nothing to do with team spirit.

It might have to do with strikers who can’t score goals. Although Miroslav Klose’s cross made the equaliser, he hasn’t scored from open play in the Bundesliga since March. (And the goal before that was last November!)

Pile on! Nirvana for Bayern as Ze Roberto levels vs Lyon

Luca Toni has scored consistently in the Bundesliga but against Lyon showed the kind of form that undermined Italy’s cause at Euro 2008. The commentators took the view that his desperate lunging, jumping and stretching meant he was destined at some point to score.

To me, it looked more like a striker who had lost the art of timing his runs. Ruud van Nistelrooy’s goal against Zenith was a masterpiece of anticipation. Against Lyon, Toni never looked like he was anticipating the play, or running into space where the ball might fall.

Bayern should have won 2-1 – Klose was denied a certain penalty in the first half – which would have been good for confidence. But Klinsmann, with four points from two games, is in a better place than Claude Puel, Lyon’s new coach, who has two points from two games and needs at least four points from the next two against Steaua who, as they proved against Fiorentina, are no mugs.

Cesare Prandelli’s analysis of his team’s performance was fair. As he admitted, the Viola were so frustrated by Steaua’s ability to keep possession, they often reverted to inaccurate long balls. Fiorentina looked tired and Prandelli will hope that, like most Italian teams, his side becomes sharper as the group stage progresses.

Group G
Lucky, lucky Arsenal. Could they have asked for an easier group?

Fenerbahce are still regrouping after Luis Aragones replaced Zico, Dinamo Kiev’s record on the road is almost as dismal as Celtic’s (in their last nine group games away from home they have drawn two, lost seven and shipped 18 goals) and Porto have defensive frailties which Theo Walcott ruthlessly exposed on Tuesday.

The Arsenal game inspired the best post-match interview of the week. Asked what the 4-0 win said about Arsenal’s ability to win the tournament, Robin van Persie’s reply was succinct, sweet and sensible: “Nothing.”

Walcott runs Porto ragged at the Emirates

Group H
With no points from two games, Zenit St Petersburg are down but not out. Only an Arsenal-style profligacy in front of goal deprived them of victory against Real Madrid.

That was Real’s first win on the road in the tournament since October 2006. But Zenith seem perfectly capable of winning in Madrid and Turin so, for me, this group is still wide open.

BATE look least likely to progress but could still have a huge influence, if they take points off Real or Zenit in Borisov.

Dubious statistical bonus: if BATE striker Gennadi Bliznyuk scores in any game, he will become Belarus’ record goalscorer in UEFA club competitions. He has already scored 10 – seven in Champions League qualifiers – to equal Georgi Kondratyev’s record.

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Futsal's coming home...

Celso de Campos Jr — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:00:00 GMT

There’s two legends surrounding the origins of futsal, whose FIFA World Cup started this week in Brazil.

The first dictates the sport was created in the 1930’s in Uruguay by Montevideo YCMA’s professor Juan Carlos Ceriani. The second tells that it first appeared in São Paulo, also inside the YCMA, by some lads who started kicking a football about in a basketball court, late in the 1940’s.

Fact is it was in Brazil, in 1952, that the futebol de salão’s first organisation was assembled – the São Paulo’s YCMA Salon Football League, founded by Habib Maphuz. (In Uruguay, there was no organised futsal until 1965.)

Maphuz was also the mastermind behind the rules of the indoor game – the most defining of them to change from the standard-size football to a smaller, heavier one, to prevent it from bouncing and going out of bounds all the time.

So if futsal isn’t coming home, with the FIFA World Cup in Rio de Janeiro and Brasília, it’s right there next door.

Falcão celebrates scoring vs Salomon Islands

That’s why it’s so important for Brazilians not to let the trophy slip in the motherland. Repatriating futsal’s greatest prize, usurped by the Spaniards a couple of tournaments ago, is a matter of honour.

Brazil had won the first three Futsal World Cup following its launch in 1982. But then came Spain. In 2000, they beat Brazil 4-3 in the final in Guatemala.

And then in 2004, in Taiwan, they knocked Brazil out again, in the semi-finals, on penalties before beating Brazilian-powered Italy in the final to claim their second consecutive title.

Spain celebrate winning 2007 Euro Futsal

Now, it’s time for revenge.

Brazil routed Japan 12-1 in their opening game in Brasília. Another showcase of Falcão, the world’s best player, Lenísio, Schumacher, Ari etc.

Spain’s opener was tougher: a 3-3 draw with Iran – who have a respectable futsal squad. The Iranians were leading 3-0 at half-time but, despite the full support of the Rio de Janeiro crowd, they couldn’t hold on to the lead.

Of course there are 18 other nations competing for the crown, among them Italy, Portugal, Argentina, Russia and Ukraine. The Noise from Brazil will keep a close eye on the action, and will let you know the good, the bad and the ugly of the FIFA Futsal World Cup, Brazil 2008.

Including, we hope, the ultimate Brazil-Spain clash – in which I expect Falcão and co. to send them home empty-handed...

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Fixture computer farce making a mess of La Liga

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:00:00 GMT

They say that if you get 1000 monkeys to bash away at 1000 typewriters, they’d eventually come up with the Complete Works of Shakespeare.

Now, obviously “they” say a lot of things – and most of it’s complete balls. But La Liga Loca’s prepared to believe them on this one.

After all, if you got a single monkey bashing away at a single typewriter - a single, short-sighted, dyslexic monkey with writer’s cramp, a caffeine dependency and a 60-a-day habit bashing away at a broken typewriter where the “e” doesn’t work and the “s” keeps on bloody ssssticking – you’d certainly get the La Liga fixtures.

"Right, let's put Real vs Barca on a Thursday night in March"

Yes, boys and girls, they’ve done it again. The league that crams in Madrid-Barça late on a Thursday night; that can’t tell you when the games are going to be played until a week before and often can’t even tell you then; that spread the final day of the 2005/06 season over three different days, has done it again.

Five games in and Sporting Gijón haven’t won a single game. In fact, they’ve not won a single point. And they’ve conceded a whopping 20 goals. Which might be because they’re rubbish.

Or it might be because after waiting 10 long years to get back into the first division the poor sods have already had to play Sevilla, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Villarreal. Not so much an uphill start as trying to crank a Citroen 2CV into gear on the north face of the Eiger.

With an elephant in the boot. No wonder they’re sitting at the bottom cursing their luck.

They’re not alone either. Málaga are down there too, but they really are rubbish. So are Racing Santander and Real Betis, and they aren’t.

Instead, Racing Santander have also had to play Sevilla, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Villarreal, while Betis have already faced Sevilla, Barcelona and Real Madrid – and still have Villarreal to come.

If you’re detecting a bit of a pattern, it’s because there’s a bit of a pattern to detect.

And that’s the point. You see, every single team this season has to play Sevilla, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Villarreal in a row. In that order. Twice.

Which means that the league table is as hideously skewed as Peter Beardsley’s jaw and which really doesn’t strike La Liga Loca as
particularly fair. It certainly doesn’t strike La Liga Loca as very good.

Is it fair to sink a team before they’ve even started? Is it fair to give other teams a slow run into the season, a gentle ramp to get them flying? Or is it actually better to get the big boys before they’re up and running?

Do Real Madrid have a great big advantage by always following in Barcelona’s footsteps? Are they playing shattered teams who’ve given their all the previous week, teams that can’t raise themselves again?

Are they playing teams whose morale is sunk after a defeat and who, if they have beaten Madrid, have had their day in the sun and don’t need another, thank you very much?

Sporting suffer 6-1 drubbing by Barcelona one week...

Are they playing teams riddled with suspensions after they’ve flown into every tackle against Barcelona the week before?

Or is coming after Barcelona actually a disadvantage? Are Madrid going to play teams with extra motivation coming off the back of Barça?

And if it’s an advantage for Madrid, is it an even bigger advantage for Villarreal, who get teams who’ve run themselves into the ground for three weeks running?

Is it in fact a huge advantage for Mallorca, who week after week get the side that’s just come out of that four game run and are either a) knackered?, b) racked with suspensions after a month of vainly booting the big boys about? or c) completely lacking in intensity, suddenly ripe for the taking having relaxed after finally getting the big boys out the way?

Might that explain the fact that Mallorca – a team that are not very good – currently sit so pretty?

And it gets worse too. Because where the pattern can’t be entirely maintained – because Madrid can’t play Madrid (hell, they won’t even play against their own on-loan players so you haven’t got a hope in hell of getting them to play themselves) – it’s Valencia, those other title contenders, who’ve been slotted in.

In other words, Sevilla-Barcelona, Barcelona-Valencia, Madrid-Sevilla, Barcelona-Madrid, Sevilla-Villarreal, Madrid-Valencia, Villarreal-
Barcelona, Valencia-Atlético, and Madrid-Villarreal all happen within a six-week period.

Two six-week periods, in fact - Weeks 13 to 18 and 32 to 37.

What happens if Madrid’s, Barcelona’s, Valencia’s, Villarreal’s or Sevilla’s key player gets injured during that period? Is it adiós, aspirations? The league is supposed to be a test of which team is the strongest over 38 weeks.

Instead, it could end up being a test of who’s strongest over two six-week spells. Is that fair?

...and are then spanked 7-1 by Real Madrid the next

So many questions. And La Liga Loca doesn’t honestly know the answers.

What it does know is that rather than having great games all season long, there are going to be at least 14 weeks this season when there isn’t a single game worth watching – and, yes, we were sad enough to go through them one by one.

What it does know is that the clashes mean that seeing some of the season’s big games is going to be impossible, that when you’re trying to get to Barcelona-Valencia you’ll be missing Madrid-Sevilla, and when Madrid play Barcelona you’ll be missing Sevilla-Villarreal.

What it does know is that it’s a mess. And a pain in the *rse.

Especially for uber-blogs like La Liga Loca that like a heavyweight clash to report on every week. And not sodding Getafe-Sevilla.

So, don’t blame us when we have to talk about that. Blame that monkey with the cigarette hanging out his gob and the typewriter between his legs.

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Minnows 2 Elitists 0

Paul Simpson — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:00:00 GMT

This is where I suck up to Michel Platini, the UEFA president who, indirectly, keeps me in a job.

When he suggested opening up the UEFA Champions League to teams that the British press, with characteristic open mindedness, dubbed “minnows,” there was much dire prognosticating that this utter folly would lead to the kind of 10-0 thrashings not seen in Europe since English teams stopped facing clubs from Luxembourg.

The records of Cluj and BATE, from such unfashionable parts of the football world as Transylvania and Belarus, have exposed this as hollow, misconceived elitism.

Teeny, tiny little Cluj celebrate making light work of Roma

Cluj and BATE have now tested Chelsea, Juve and Roma. And, in Cluj’s case, given the media a welcome cue for a whole host of bite/vampire/teeth related headlines and intros.

To be honest, both sides look more competitive than such established regulars as PSV and Marseille.

You would expect me to say this, as editor of the official UEFA Champions League magazine, but that doesn’t make me wrong. After a fascinating week’s results, here is the first part of my view on the state of the tournament. (Groups E-H will follow Friday. Promise)

Group A
Against the Cheeky Girls’ hometown team, Chelsea had more of everything – possession, corners, shots on target – except goals. In truth, 0-0 wasn’t bad. It could have been worse. Petr Cech rescued Chelsea after the magnificent Alvaro Pereira took advantage late on as Jose Bosingwa fell asleep.

Cluj coach Maurizio Trombetta, appointed this summer, has done a magnificent job. But, even though Cluj are joint top with Chelsea, he insists, “our target is still to finish third.”

Chelsea huff and puff their way to goalless draw in Romania

Bordeaux, pointless after two games, may miss out on the last 16 after the Beast – Julio Baptista – inspired Roma to comeback and win 3-1 in France.

Totti hopes to be fit for the upcoming double header against Chelsea which, judging by the thickness of his knee brace, Drogba seems unlikely to be. The nightmare scenario for the two group favourites is that Cluj do the double over Bordeaux and have 10 points after four games.

Note for stattos: this was the first time Chelsea haven’t scored under Scolari.

Group B
It hasn’t taken long. This Tuesday, Gazzetta dello Sport was asking whether Mancini’s Inter were better than Mourinho’s. And as Inter drew 1-1 with Werder, the first angry whistles from home fans resounded around the half empty San Siro.

But Inter still look favourites in Group B. They can almost bank on three points at home to Panathinaikos and face Anorthosis at the San Siro next.

The bigger question is what shape Inter will be in as the knockout stage starts. As Roy Hodgson suggested on Sky Sports, it is possible that Mourinho still doesn’t know his best XI.

Decisions, decisions

The three strikers – Ibrahimovic, Adriano and Balotelli – looked less fluent against Werder, over 90 minutes, than the more traditional 4-3-3 (with the Swede as lone striker, supported from the flanks) deployed in Athens.

Still, it was good to see Adriano, in flashes, looking more like a genius and much less like the Mr Blobby who was so immobile at the 2006 World Cup.

Only Anorthosis and Werder can seriously hope to qualify alongside Inter. On matchday five, Bremen travel to Nicosia for a match that could decide the issue. Form and pedigree favour the Germans but Anorthosis have now drawn or beaten Anderlecht, Hertha Berlin, Olympiakos and Spurs at home.

Group C
Being outplayed by Shakhtar Donetsk for 88 minutes, yet snatching victory through the brilliance of Lionel Messi will not convince Pep Guardiola’s critics his Barcelona are improving. Still, six points from two matches puts Barca in pole position and it’s hard to see them failing to make the last 16.

Messi to the rescue as late brace buries Shakhtar

Who joins them could become clear after the Sporting-Shakhtar double header. These ties will be intriguing tactical contests. Paulo Bento’s men often make opponents struggle by dictating the pace and will look to slow the game to suffocate Shakhtar before going on the offensive.

Although Shakhtar coach Mircea Lucescu fumed about Barcelona’s gamesmanship, his real concern must be Shakhtar’s propensity to ship late goals.

This week’s disappointment reminded many fans of their exit to Sevilla in the 2006/07 UEFA Cup. Leading 2-1 in the fourth minute of added time, they heroically contrived to lose 3-2 in Donetsk.

Group D
Believe the hype. Sergio Aguero probably is the best striker in the world right now. His goal against Marseille showed speed of thought, technique, determination, focus, a low centre of gravity and predatory instincts.

Although Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez insists it’s still all to play for, this already looks like a two horse race between Fernando Torres’ old team and his current team.

Aguero on target again as Atletico steer past Marseille

After Aguero, the best player at the Calderon was Mamadou Niang. 29 this month, the Senegalese striker has scored goals in industrial quantities in the last year: 18 in 29 Ligue 1 games – and four in 10 European matches – in 2007/08.

He already has three in four European games in 2008/09. Niang paired well up front with Danijel Lluboja and Mickael Pagis at Strasbourg and, if the goals keep coming, could be worth £15m next summer.

At Anfield, the player I was most intrigued by was PSV’s Nordin Amrabat. Only 21, he normally plays on the wing but looked lively, cheeky and talented given the thankless task of playing alone up front in a transitional PSV side that, at times, played five at the back.

Note for stattos: Gerrard’s 100th goal for Liverpool was also the Reds’ 100th goal in the Champions League.

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Madcap Mad Dog relishing Cheltenham challenge

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 12:00:00 GMT

MIKE HOLDEN explains why he's a happy man now Martin Allen is back on the managerial map...

"There has yet to be a dull moment in the fortnight that has passed since Martin Allen took over as Cheltenham Town manager," reported the Gloucestershire Echo on Monday, without a trace of inevitability.

Meanwhile, the following day, chairman Paul Baker described the first couple of weeks of Allen’s tenure at Whaddon Road as "exciting and enlivening" before enquiring as to why so many reporters had turned up to a random Tuesday afternoon press conference.

For those of us who have followed Mad Dog’s career with a keen interest ever since he started taking his clothes off and jumping in stone-cold rivers as a means of motivating players before big matches, the world is a happier place once again.

Back in the game: Allen takes up the Whaddon Road hot-seat

Now we can look forward to an endless stream of yet more madcap man-management techniques and bizarre anecdotes or analogies in post-match interviews.

Anyone who harboured slight concerns that the eccentric side of Allen’s character might be suppressed following his sacking at Leicester didn’t need to worry for long.

In his first interview as Cheltenham boss, he treated one radio station to a potted history of his childhood, painting walls and sweeping stands at Whaddon Road when his late father was the manager of the Robins in the 1970s.

It was an account so wrapped up in nostalgia, you half-expected the station to start playing the second movement from Dvorak’s New World Symphony in the background – a tune which, I’m reliably informed, later became quite popular on an advert for Hovis bread.

Anyway, that was just for starters. He wasn’t even trying to be wacky in that instance.

No, the first real taste of Mad Dog came at the club’s training base in Swindon Village when he came up with the novel idea of a ‘speed dating’ session between the players and his backroom staff.

So everybody got a minute of intimacy in each other’s company to explain their roles within the club and ask the usual questions, like:

Which clubs have you played for in the past?

What on earth are we supposed to be doing?

Do you think we should take this seriously, he strikes me as a bit of a loon?

Jesus, what’s he like when he’s angry?

Anyway, apparently, it went down a storm.

“It was a good experience and I’m hoping to do this on a regular basis so there’s not a feeling of ‘them and us’ at the training ground,” said Allen, with a squad of 23 players and eight coaching staff nodding appreciatively in the background.

But then I guess that’s what makes Mad Dog such a special character because he can suggest pretty much anything in the world and his players, staff, even opponents will just go along with it because they’re never quite sure of the consequences when you say ‘No’.

"You don't want to see me when I'm angry..."

Part of me thinks Martin Allen is just a geek who doesn’t realise he has this reputation of being an absolute nutter. He just goes through life suggesting all these outlandish ideas, wondering how magnificent it is that the human race is so co-operative.

Then the other part of me thinks that one person – just once – got on the wrong side of him and the story is just so gruesome that people dare not relay the details for fear of what happens to a ‘grass’.

In which case, I didn’t just call him a geek.

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Cantona quote controversy & Aaron 'the Axe' Mokoena

Andy Mitten — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 11:30:00 GMT

Did you see the Eric Cantona quotes in the media earlier this week?

The ones where he told The Sun about how he feared for Manchester United’s future once Sir Alex Ferguson left the club? After being printed, the quotes were picked up by websites around the world. The BBC quoted The Sun, as did Manchester United’s official website.

Except Eric Cantona didn’t speak to The Sun. The interview he gave was to me, for FourFourTwo. The very interview that I’ve written about in past blogs.

I saw Neil Custis, the Sun journalist who wrote the story in Aalborg on Tuesday and asked him why his newspaper had not credited FourFourTwo. He said that he had in the piece that he had sent to his office, but a sub editor must have removed any reference to FourFourTwo. Ah, that old chestnut. I think they were taking the piss and told him so.

"I don't remember talking to The Sun..."

As I left Aalborg’s tiny Subbuteo stadium, my phone rang. It was M'bazo; aka ‘the Axe’ - Aaron Mokoena to his employees at Ewood Park.

He may play for Blackburn and be the captain of South Africa, but he’s a United fan who idolised Roy Keane when he was growing up in Boipatong, one of the roughest townships near Johannesburg. The pair met on the field and clattered each other when 'the Axe 'arrived in England in 2005.

He said he was concerned about me.

“Why?” I asked, waving goodbye to AaB’s cheery staff as I snaffled some left-over Champions League sandwiches.

“This girl you are seeing. I hear it’s all a bit serious already.”

"What's this I hear about you settling down, Mitten?"

“Aaron,” I replied. “If you’re going to try and wind me up, at least tell my brother who has clearly put you up to it not to giggle in the background.”

“It’s nothing to do with him,” he continued. “I’m just worried.”

Not half as worried as Jose Mourinho was after 'the Axe' cut Arjen Robben to size with an admittedly shocking tackle a few years ago. He always got on fine with Robben, whom he’s played against when he was at Ajax, and apologised.

But I could hardly blame him for trying it on. When he’d just arrived in England I told him that Blackburn’s most loyal fans were called ‘The Burnley Clarets’ and that he should make a reference to them next time he spoke to the press, saying how much he appreciated their support.

He and my brother did manage one successful blag on Tuesday – as revenge for Aaron’s business advisor ringing my brother Jonathan two years ago.

“Hi Jonathan,” he said. “Hertha Berlin have been watching you closely. They have had to cut their budgets right back and buy cheaper players, but they are looking for a big centre-forward like you. Would you be interested in playing in Germany and helping them push for a Champions League place?”

Mitten (L): "Hertha Berlin? Yeah... good one"

My brother was playing in the North West Counties League at the time, but believed the caller. Because he wanted to believe the caller. He even discussed the move with his girlfriend and they agreed that they would try and learn German and that he’d give up being a plumber. He was so devastated when he found out it was a blag that I actually felt guilty.

While the professional game may have passed him by, things are looking good for our youngest brother, who turned 14 on Sunday. Three games into playing for Stockport Country and, in the words of his coach, “playing with category A rather than category C players for the first time,” he’s the top scorer in his age group.

There’s a long, long way to go, but he’s giving himself a chance…

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All hail Argentina and why Mourinho should zip the lip

Riccardo Rossi — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 11:00:00 GMT

Italian football has always had a strong relationship with Argentines.

Some have delighted, some disappointed and then, of course, there was Diego Maradona. But most have got on with their jobs in a professional manner give or take the odd dodgy passport.

This weekend should see Lazio maintain top spot in the league, with three citizens from that fine South American country playing their part.

In fact, of the current top 10 in the table, only AC Milan, AS Roma and Palermo do not have an Argentine in their first-team squad.

So let’s name the best doing their nation proud, starting from the top:

Mauro Zarate
Totally unknown to the Italian public when he arrived from Birmingham City in the summer via Al Sadd in Qatar, but now after six goals in the first five games, the Lazio striker leads the goalscoring charts to become the star of the early part of the season.

Birmingham to Lazio: Zarate fires Romans to Serie A summit

Diego Milito
“The Prince” returned to Genoa from a spell in Spain and has continued where he left off two seasons ago, finding the net on four occasions and looking the most complete target-man in the league so far.

Javier Zanetti
With his coach Jose Mourinho hogging the headlines, the Inter captain recently surpassed the 600-appearance mark for the club and is still the champions’ real boss.

Mauro Camoranesi
Okay, he decided to become an Italian ages ago but he’s never lost that never-say-die-attitude and dazzling foot-work akin to the best of his countrymen. His defending in Minsk in midweek saved Juventus from a first-half drubbing.

Ezequiel Lavezzi
The little man is recovering from injury but the first weeks of the season saw the nippy frontman run defences ragged. Thankfully, no longer dubbed with the “New Maradona” tag and the better for it.

German Denis
Back in Serie A again and a player honed on a diet of prime Argentine beef. Denis the menace has been softening defenders up for fun, enabling Napoli team-mates such as Marek Hamsik to sneak up from midfield and nab the goals.

Cristian Ledesma
Much maligned last season for lacking heart, the Lazio playmaker has stared down his accusers and grabbed the midfield by the scruff of the neck. Juventus are reportedly ready to make a January move for the 26-year-old. They could do with him.

Ledesma fends off Totti in the Rome derby

Juan Pablo Carrizo
Was meant to have been between the sticks for Lazio last season until he got tangled up in some red-tape concerning a European passport. With that out of the way, finally Delio Rossi has found a replacement for Angelo Peruzzi.

Pablo Ledesma
Another Ledesma but this time driving the Catania midfield to an unlikely top-three position. The former Boca Juniors man combines not only slick passing but plenty of lung-power.

All hail the Republic of Argentina then, and of course an honourable mention has to go Esteban Cambiasso – a little below his best at the moment, but that’s because he has to make up for Inter playing with 10 men whenever Ricardo Quaresma is in the side.

Talking of Inter – and it’s hard not to - Mourinho may have learnt Italian in double-quick time but he still has a lot to learn about the Italian character.

They don’t like someone taking the “Michele” out of them about how much they earn, especially when the country is once again staring into the economic abyss.

Time for the Portuguese to zip the lip and earn his keep: a derby defeat and 1-1 draw at home to Werder Bremen should serve as a warning sign that he could also be set for an almighty crash.

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River goal flurry fails to sink Racing

Daniel Neilson — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:00:00 GMT

It was another clasico, another local derby. This time it was the 'millionaires' of River playing the league's paupers Racing (who recently held a prize draw among the players to win a PlayStation 2).

Racing, who barely stayed up last season and are currently lingering in 12th position, would have normally dreaded their trip to River's posh suburbs.

But Simeone's team, winners of the championship last season, are struggling themselves, and are even further down the table in 15th.

Because of the Argentine league's complicated structure of relegation based on a three-year average, Racing must finish very well this season - even a mid-table finish could see them have to face a demotion play-off.

So they wholeheartedly took the game to River, full of confidence after beating Estudiantes on their last outing.

Three times they were ahead with goals from their young pretenders, starting in the 12th minute with an own goal from Quiroga (who later scored at the right end) on an uncharacteristically soggy day in Buenos Aires.

Simeone had rested a couple of players for the Copa Sudamericana, one of them key man Abreu. The Paraguayan Santiago Salcedo, who River had high hopes for at the beginning of the season but pushed out following Abreu's return, gave Simeone something to bite on to with a powerful header and his first goal in a red and white jersey.

But Racing never withered and continued to play well, although they lacked the killer instinct to bury River once and for all. The game ended 3-3 with Racing going home a little disappointed not to have won.

At the top of the table San Lorenzo lead, but Tigre, championship winners in 2007, are proving they can compete with the big boys.

A 3-2 win against Boca, at the Bombonera, puts them in 2nd ahead of Boca with Vélez in 4th, their best start for years.

But again it's proving to be an interesting season for the small provincial teams. San Martin de Tucuman, Lanús and Colón aare all in the top seven. No Independiente, no River, no Racing and certainly no Estudiantes who are rock bottom.

After eight games, the season is wide open and it is the smaller clubs who are making all the headlines.

Anybody wanna buy a Betis?

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 10:45:00 GMT

For the past couple of seasons, Betis majority shareholder and imperial overlord Darth de Lopera has been a bit of a tease.

On a number of occasions he has flirted with the idea of selling off his stake – in the non-vampire sense of the world – and swanning out of Seville.

But in the end, De Lopera has played the Goldilocks (as portrayed by a geriatric Christopher Walken) and branded potential new owners as unsuitable to lead Betis out of the 19th Century and into a bright new future of ‘electricity’ and ‘telephonic communication’.

In the past, suitors have been dismissed as being not Betico enough, too Betico, having weird hair, not being Spanish, having funny names, not liking Liberace and having a penchant for obeying tax laws (for legal reasons, La Liga Loca would like to note that some of these excuses have been completely made up).

Liberace: possibly popular in Seville

Over the summer, Betis fans were given their brightest hope yet that the club's reins would be handed to someone slightly sane – a consortium called BSport. Unfortunately, no one has much of a clue who these mysterious folk may be, as they are afraid of coming out of the shadows – perhaps quite literally – until a deal is struck.

Well, they're running out of time. Marca is reporting that unless the t's are dotted and the i's are crossed by Saturday October 4 and bin-bags stuffed with cash are handed over to de Lopera, then the big buy-out is off. In that event, continues Marca, the consortium may have to give Darth Manuel a whopping 10 million Euros in penalty fees.

This is exactly how most Beticos must have been expecting the whole affair to pan out. In one week’s time, they look set to be stuck with the same crumbling stadium, the same gym that hasn’t been updated in 10 years, the same lack of medical facilities that forced Edu to head to Valencia for treatment, and the same owner – albeit one who could be considerably richer.

Meanwhile, for those keeping track of the Barcelona Blame-o-Meter after Saturday’s Catalan catastrophe, the latest news is that the needle is doddering around in as confused a manner as Sarah Palin attempting a paint-by-numbers.

"A who in the what now?"

The Boixos Nois have thrown their hooligan hats into the ring by blaming pretty much everyone for Saturday night’s mayhem except themselves. The one member of the Ultra group able to handle basic literacy tasks had a go on daddy’s laptop on Tuesday to issue a statement.

The misspelled missive says that it was all the fault of Espanyol security for not strip-searching them when going into the stadium. “The frisking was non-existent,” tutted the statement.

It then went on to comment that flares were only lobbed onto the heads of the poor Pericos after the visitors' arrival at the ground was met with flying objects from the home support.

Pep Guardiola has joined in with the debate by arguing – not unreasonably – that “the blame is not Barça’s, nor Espanyol’s. It’s the fault of those who threw the flares”. Spanish minister of culture and sport Mercedes Cabrera has also waded in by suggesting that everyone in Spain should be pointing fingers at themselves in a reproachful manner. “There is a collective responsibility,” she noted.

Sport appeared to have recovered from a two-day aberration during which some thoughtful editorial pieces were written on the events of the weekend.

Normal service is resumed in Wednesday's paper with the scowling Lluis Mascaró giving Barcelona some moral support ahead of their Champions League clash against Shakhtar by writing that “they play as a team. With a system. With tactics and a strategy. They play with ambition”.

But that’s not all. Oh no. Mascaró also boasts that there have been “11 shots against Valdés in just five games, and this shows great defensive work”. The problem here is that six of them have gone in. But Sport never like to let facts get in the way of a good story. And let’s face it, nor does La Liga Loca.

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Marauding men of Minsk dance around Juve defence

Riccardo Rossi — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 10:30:00 GMT

There was once a thing you could always rely on with Juventus, and that was a mean old defence.

Never one to give the opposition as much as a sniff at goal in the past, the Old Lady is now looking decidedly shaking at the back.

Those defensive frailties were exposed in Belarus by BATE Borisov over what Claudio Ranieri described as a “nightmare 30 minutes or so.”

Headless chickens would have made a better show of defending than this back-four where first-choice Nicola Legrottaglie, albeit carrying a knock, and Giorgio Chiellini left such a hole through the centre of defence that it just begged to be crammed full with the marauding men of Minsk.

Iaquinta at the double to let Juve off the hook

It was 2-0 before you could even say Sergei Kryvets and Igor Stasevich and so fraught came the situation that Mauro Camoranesi had to make at least three goal-saving challenges inside his own area.

The introduction of Dario Knezevic, in place of Legrottaglie, did little to allay fears that Juve would be any more secure than before.

No wonder Tuttosport screamed: “Juve that’s enough.”

Certainly, there has to be major concerns in the heart of the defence where Legrottaglie lacks pace and a real ruthlessness to attack a high ball while Chiellini is as hard as a marine, but he does have a tendency to march off on one-man missions to other areas of the pitch.

At least Olof Mellberg does what is printed on the tin but he’s certainly not a brand marked “world-class.”

However, the real problem lies at full-back where Jonathan Zebina remains almost chronically injured while Zdenek Grygera and Cristian Molinaro fall well short of the club’s rich traditions in that position.

Italy Under-21 international, Paolo De Ceglie is still learning his trade, of course, but lacks the personality to hold down a regular berth and no doubt will be loaned out again come January.

Thank goodness then for some fluent attacking play and Sebastian Giovinco finally given a start.

The “Atomic Ant” ran the home defence ragged and set up both goals for Vincenzo Iaquinta to complete the comeback.

All this talk of having to ease the little fella into the side – he’ll be 22 in January and a veteran if he moved to Arsenal – just does not hold water.

If you are good enough then where does age or experience come into it?

Super-sub Giovinco comes to Ranieri's rescue

A case in point was last weekend when once again Juve laboured to break down a hard-working side – Sampdoria – and with 15 minutes remaining the game was calling out for Giovinco’s jack-in-the-box tricks.

Needless to say, Ranieri turned to the more direct approach of Iaquinta who was left to battle for long balls forward against the robust Samp defence and the match petered out to a goalless draw.

Jose Mourinho’s bete noire has never been one to throw caution to the wind but last night proved that a little recklessness can pay off.

Although maybe not so much at the back.

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Blame game continues after Montjuic mayhem

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 09:00:00 GMT

Sometimes a bile-letting bout of finger-pointing and blame-gaming can be both a useful and entertaining exercise.

After all, the Jack Bauer side to La Liga Loca doesn’t think there has been nearly enough cattle-prod poking of those responsible for the hell-in-a-handcart financial meltdown the world is currently enjoying.

If outright torture is perhaps going too far for some lily-livered liberals then maybe the guilty parties could instead be introduced to public stocks of a very non-financial kind?

As to be expected after Saturday’s Montjuic mayhem, the accusing and abusing is still rumbling on in Catalunya.

The lazy stereotyping by the blog, but all too true Mediterranean ‘it’s not my fault’ shrug is being used to full effect as those involved in the foul business are fingered for their role in the rumpus.

AS’ Alfredo Relaño is torn between his natural dislike of Barcelona and his permanent pomposity and attacks Perico president, Daniel Sánchez Llibre for his “moral cowardice” after the game due his spittle-flying attack on the referee, the Barcelona supporters and, rather improbably, S-Club 7.

The Madrid paper’s editor also wags a tutting finger at the Barcelona players and the celebration of their two goals.

“How can we warn, and I’m not saying punish, illustrious personalities such as Henry, Eto’o, Messi, Marquez and even Piqué?” asked Alfredo in a rhetorical mood.

‘Don’t do it at all’ was the message from Carles Puyol on Monday, who argued that he could not see what all the fuss was about.

“We celebrated because we were happy,” argued the Culé captain, who condemned the violence but also used the famous ‘Betis defence’ that “it doesn’t just happen here, it happens everywhere” to explain away the mayhem.

Pique and Puyol cause a stir celebrating last-gasp goal

Sport director, Santi Nolla is also caught between two camps but seems to have plonked himself down with the Pericos by arguing that “the referee punished Espanyol too much with the sending off of Nené” and demands that “this must be the last derby where the violent Boixos can go.”

Down the coast in Valencia and Joaquín has been dropping hints the size of Maniche’s football shorts as to who was to blame for last season’s disappointing debacle.

From the safety of the top of the table and with a couple of decent performances under his Andalusian belt, the winger explained that “now the coach knows what’s what and doesn’t go about making things up.”

And as for the players who were rocking the Mestalla boat most last season, Joaquín would prefer to keep Mum - although a very different Mum to the one who reportedly breast fed him until he was six.

“It’s not that anyone especially caused problems, although Marco Caneira had issues with certain players and Cañizares was apart from the rest of the team,” recalled the midfielder.

“But you can’t just point them out as the only guilty ones,” explained Joaquín whilst pointing them out as the only guilty ones.

Tuesday’s Marca couldn’t give too hoots about Espanyol, Barcelona, Valencia or anyone else considering Real Madrid are in action against Zenit St. Petersburg.

And in an especially bipolar edition of the paper, the front cover boasts that Madrid have the “best attack and best defence in Europe,” but admit on page three that Bernd Schuster’s men have not won away in Europe for two years.

In breaking with recent tradition, the Real Madrid squad will not be travelling to Russia in the creaky old, found-in-the-desert, not allowed to fly at night, La Saeta - their much heralded Super Jet from last season.

The Airbus 320 - Real's aeroplane of choice for 2008

After all, it was a plane so decrepit that some players had to be carried on after being tempted by glasses of milk laced with sleeping pills.

Unofficial club spokesman Roberto Gómez, writing in Marca, says that Madrid are about to lease a brand new Airbus 320 - to be called ‘La Saeta’ for 600,000 euros a year - a plane that “will have a TV in each seat,” according to the easily pleased Marca man.

Alas, there is no explanation in the paper as to what has happened to the La Saeta version one. But expect parts of it to be found in your next refrigerator.

Spanish Jacks, James Brown, Oasis and Plymouth (again)

Andy Mitten — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Greetings from sunny Stockholm, capital of Sweden. I was travelling for most of last week, meeting interesting types.

I'm seeing Jesper Blomqvist again later; we're halfway through a four-hour interview, having watched the Milanese derby together last night (he used to play for the Rossoneri before joining Manchester United).

He’s invited me to watch the team he manages in Sweden’s second division tonight: they're bottom of the league and play the team above them. Tomorrow I’ll fly to Denmark to watch the red-shirted heroes at AaB.

Young Jesper at AC Milan. See?

First, though, I’ve got a bit of time to kill in a coffee shop before I meet Jesper again. If I can keep my eyes on my keyboard and not be distracted by the stream of perfect blondes walking into the establishment, I’ll give you a Perfect XI of people I’ve met on my travels in the last week, in chronological order.

1. Andrea Orlandi, the Barcelona-born Swansea City player. We met after the Swansea vs Cardiff game, at which he was on the bench. I am indebted to his girlfriend, who went to Tesco at 11pm to buy some food so that she could make a meal. They both speak good English, but the Swansea accent throws them.

2. Jordi Gomez, another Barcelona-born Swansea player, on loan from Espanyol. Andrea introduced me to him after the game in which he scored the only goal against arch-rivals Cardiff. He was friendly enough, but the significance of the moment was wasted on him.

3. Kris O’Leary, Swansea’s longest-serving player and a lifelong fan from nearby Port Talbot. Scoring the winner wouldn't have been wasted on him, but he didn’t make the squad against Cardiff. Kris is a great lad; Swansea fans should chip in and have a statue of him made by the Swansea Jack pub.

Kris O'Leary (right) gets stuck in for his beloved Jacks

4. Ian Rush, the former Chester, Juventus, Newcastle and Wales striker. I found myself sat next to him in the pressroom at Swansea. He was very friendly, so I didn't tell him that I used to stand on the Stretford End singing “Oh we’d like to know where Rush got his nose from” (to the tune of The Hues Corporation’s soul classic Rock the Boat), nor that for much of the 1980s I hated him more than any individual on Earth.

5. Matt, the lad who designed the covers for the first three Oasis albums. He’s from Wigan and supports the Latics. When the team played at Springfield Park, he went home and away, but he and his mates now find the whole Premiership experience a turn-off.

6. James Brown, who I mentioned last week. The former Loaded editor was hoping that his beloved Leeds would be drawn with the European champions in the next round of whatever the League Cup is called these days: “It’ll be great, we’ll bring thousands and I think we’ll give you a real go. We’ve got a good team.”

They'd bring far, far more than the few hundred Middlesbrough fans who made it to Old Trafford last Tuesday. Now that Leeds no longer appears as an option on his favourite computer game, he chooses to play as Tottenham as they also play in white and have several ex-Leeds players.

But Leeds weren't paired with United in Saturday’s draw, as United don’t get interesting cup draws these days.

James Brown: Spurs player by default

7. Joyce Woolridge, the Mancunian writer who wrote Brian McClair’s season diary a decade ago and lives on the same Bristol street as one of Massive Attack in a house full of books. She writes for When Saturday Comes and has written for United We Stand for 13 years.

She was saying what a gent the former Man United and Scotland striker Joe Jordan is and admiring the cuts on his suits, which she thinks he picked up while playing for Milan. I think she fancies him.

8. Trevor, the Dagenham and Redbridge secretary. I was driving through Dagenham towards Grays on the Thames Estuary when I decided to pop in unannounced. He probably thought I was a burglar, but he was friendly and gave me an update on his club, who are flying high in League 2.

9. Paul Parker, the former Fulham, QPR, Man United and England defender. He welcomed me to his manor in Essex ahead of doing a feature with him on Setanta’s coverage of the Grays vs Stevenage game. I left a notepad and a book at his house; at 7.45am the following morning he called to ask where I wanted it posting.

"Forgotten something, Andy?"

10. Peter Taylor, the former England manager. At Grays I followed him up a ladder overlooking suburban back gardens into a television gantry.

11. A Southend United groundsman. I had time to kill so took a look at Canvey Island and then Southend. I walked in an open door at Roots Hall and said “Alright mate.” He grunted but didn’t tell me to leave. On the nearby seafront, stalls sold whelks and jellied eels by the world’s longest pier.

Sub: Bojan Djordjic, the former Man United player now playing for AIK Stockholm in Sweden. He swore like a trooper but was very friendly. He’s currently injured so we met at the AIK game yesterday in Stockholm, where he talked about United, Rangers, Red Star Belgrade and Plymouth.

Another lad came up to me in a pub last night and said: “Do you speak English, mate?” He was a Plymouth fan who had arrived in Stockholm that day. Why do I keep bumping into people associated with Plymouth Argyle?

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