New Cardiff City kit to be giant penis costume

The football club formerly known as the Bluebirds are going through some big, phallic changes, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Controversy has erupted around Cardiff City, after the clubâÂÂs owners announced that their players will no longer wear the clubâÂÂs traditional blue shirts, and as of next season will take the field dressed as giant penises.

A statement issued by Malaysia-based Berjaya Group, owners of the south Wales club since 2010, confirmed that Cardiff are to drop the blue shirts they have worn for over 100 years in favour of a new penis-based design, a move they say represents âÂÂa bold new strategy for the brand.âÂÂ

âÂÂThe giant penis costumesâ girth, olive colouring, and thick, distinctive veins will make them unmistakable,â explained club chief executive Alan Whiteley.

âÂÂWe forsee these giant penis costumes becoming the new must-have item in Cardiff, and in Malaysia, and eventually, all over the world,â he continued. âÂÂI look forward to the first home game of next season, when our penis-costumed players will be greeted by a passionate sea of giant penises roaring them on from the stands.âÂÂ

The penis is symbolically important in Malaysia, where it is associated with courage, fertility, and luck, in contrast to the now-abandoned colour blue.

Cardiff's testicle-themed away kit is set to be popular with fans

âÂÂUnlike the penis, blue symbolises many things that we wish to distance ourselves from,â confirmed Whitely. âÂÂSuch as melancholy, coldness, passivity, and the heritage and traditions of Cardiff City Football Club.âÂÂ

Fansâ groups have been quick to object to the proposals, stating that the penis costumes are âÂÂtotally inappropriateâÂÂ.

âÂÂDressing up our players as penises is nothing short of an outrage, and shows a profound ignorance of this clubâÂÂs historyâÂÂ, a supportersâ club spokesman told FourFourTwo.com.

âÂÂAnyone who watched CardiffâÂÂs performance in the playoffs last season, or two seasons ago, or the season before that, would know that this club has absolutely no penis to speak of.âÂÂ

Berjaya Group have also instigated a new motto, âÂÂFire and BloodâÂÂ, which critics have pointed out is the same as House TargaryenâÂÂs motto in hit HBO series Game of Thrones.

âÂÂItâÂÂs a great show,â said Whitely, responding to the claims. âÂÂIntelligently plotted and lavishly designed, but also packed with gratuitous nudity. Everyone at Berjaya loves it.

âÂÂWhere do you think we got the inspiration for the penises?âÂÂ

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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