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The effortlessly brilliant Bulgarian has inspired more than just a 3-1 victory over West Ham this week, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...
Lifetime Productions International, publishers of the celebrated Lovers’ Guide to sex and relationships, have been forced to answer questions about why the latest edition of their groundbreaking series contains over forty mentions of Bulgarian footballer Dimitar Berbatov.
Berbatov, 32, is cited as an example in virtually every section of The Lovers’ Guide 2013, including the chapters on ‘teasing’, ‘playtime’, and ‘penetration’. The DVD is narrated by EastEnders actress Gemma Bissix and Clive Tyldesley.
"Never rush a kiss," Bissix tells viewers. "You may be straining with desire for your partner, but the sensual experience of kissing your lover’s lips can become intoxicating if you slow things down, like Dimitar Berbatov looking around him for options before playing a perfect pass to feet."
"You can spice things up by bringing a kinky fetish into the equation," says Bissix during the section on sexual roleplay. "Many scenarios involve a power play, such as police officer and suspect, doctor and patient, or Dimitar Berbatov and hapless defender assigned to mark him."
"Right, let's get this show started, shall we...?"
"You may like to take it in turns to be Dimitar Berbatov, ruthlessly subjecting your partner to a humiliating lesson in technique that he or she will never forget. But always remember the importance of a ‘safe word’ so you can stop things before they get out of hand. We suggest ‘offside’, or ‘Kieran Richardson’."
In addition, the section on ‘touch’, previously a thirteen-minute section instructing would-be lovers on how to respond to the desires and impulses of their partners’ bodies, has been replaced with a clip of the striker’s best moments for Fulham, Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur, described by Tyldesley in his trademark caramel tones.
The Lovers’ Guide producer Robert Page spoke to FourFourTwo about the release. "The video has been produced with the aim of helping Britain’s lovers be more like Dimitar Berbatov", he said. "Our research showed beyond doubt that if British women could change one thing about their men, they would turn them into Dimitar Berbatov. And men said something very similar."
"Also, just look at how he controls this clearance from [Aaron] Hughes. I mean, just look at it. Sticks out a leg, brings it under control, lofted pass to the feet of Bryan Ruiz. Oh Berba. That is pure sex."
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