Back of the Net

Ferguson retires to spend more time with bleached skulls of enemies

Back of the Net — Tue, 14 May 2013 14:32:00 GMT

The soon to be former Manchester United manager shares his future plans with Back of the Net's John Foster...

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement. English football's most successful and ruthless manager is standing down after 26 years at Manchester United, in which time he has accumulated two European Cups, five FA Cups, thirteen Premier League titles, and the skulls of countless vanquished enemies, which even now sit hollow and grinning beneath the 71-year old tactician's mighty feet.

"It's been the hardest decision of my life to step down," an emotional Ferguson told Manchester United's official television channel, MUTV. "For as long as I can remember, my enemies, and vanquishing those enemies, has been my life.

"Whether I'm making lists of my enemies, hunting down and capturing my enemies, or flaying the living flesh from the very skulls of my enemies, you could say I've always been an enemies man through and through."

Although the mutilation and slaughter of underperforming players was routine in the Scottish league, where Ferguson made his reputation, he gained particular notoriety for beheading his rivals with an electrical cord, in what was known as his 'hairdryer treatment.'

"Remember William Prunier? Exactly..."

The former Aberdeen tyrant also coined a number of expressions that have entered the footballing lexicon, including "squeaky bum time", "Football, eh? Bloody hell," and "Bring me the eyes of Andriy Kanchelskis." But despite consistently rubbishing rumours of his retirement - he once told a group of journalists "youse are all f**king idiots. Guards! Let no man live" - he was finally forced to admit that age is the one adversary he cannot vanquish and decapitate.

"I am increasingly aware that I can no longer seek out and overcome my foes with the same murderous passion as before", he said, wistfully passing from hand to hand the sun-bleached skull of his ex-assistant Brian Kidd. "Like many men my age, I'm looking forward to putting my feet up, playing some golf, and drinking fine French wine from the skulls of my enemies."

He took pains to stress, however, that he would continue to pursue his enemies on a part-time basis, beginning with Jaap Stam. Until last year Ferguson believed he had already turned his former player into a bleached skull, until it was revealed that Stam just looked like that naturally.

Ferguson will be replaced in the Old Trafford hotseat by David Moyes. Moyes' first priorities upon officially taking charge are expected to be a left-back, a winger, a central midfielder, and some new enemies.

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Dave Whelan wins FA Cup, confused ITV viewers report

Back of the Net — Mon, 13 May 2013 08:20:00 GMT

Saturation coverage of the Mickey Rooney look-a-like confused television viewers, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

A significant percentage of people who watched Saturday’s FA Cup final on ITV believe that Dave Whelan became the first septuagenarian to win the famous trophy.

Features about Whelan accounted for one hour and 45 minutes of ITV’s two-hour pre-match build-up, with the 1960 FA Cup final being mentioned more than 6,000 times.

As kick-off approached, the coverage controversially cut away from opera quartet Amore’s rendition of Abide With Me to a version Whelan had recorded earlier with modified lyrics relating to the 1960 FA Cup final and his leg break.

During the game itself, the producer frequently cut away to Whelan, rather than show live action. Indeed, for much of the first half, ITV viewers were only able to see Whelan reacting to pictures of Whelan reacting to match events on Wembley’s big screen.

Television's Dave Whelan grasps the trophy

And ITV’s Whelan-heavy production left many fans scratching their heads after Ben Watson’s stoppage time winner for Wigan.

Research by FourFourTwo revealed that, when quizzed on what had happened, over 70 percent of viewers believed Dave Whelan had shrugged off Jack Rodwell and netted the winner himself.

Over 50 percent stated that Whelan had ‘certainly been on the field’, while nearly 25 percent insisted that Whelan had taken on Manchester City single-handed, many claiming to have vivid memories of the elderly chairman getting the better of Gael Clichy and whipping over some tantalising crosses.

“I’m not quite sure where Wigan came into it,” one typical questionnaire response read. “The commentators did say Wigan every now and again but Whelan won it, right?”

Wigan must now turn their attentions to fighting for Premier League survival, while Whelan can prepare for his maiden Europa League campaign, as FourFourTwo understands it.

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Wolves to terminate manager Dean Saunders

Back of the Net — Fri, 10 May 2013 13:47:00 GMT

The West Midlands club are not leaving anything to chance after their relegation to League One, reports Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

A statement from Wolverhampton Wanderers FC has confirmed that measures are being taken to terminate manager Dean Saunders after the club’s relegation to League One.

Wolves’ relegation represents a low ebb for a once almost-great club and the late-season appointment Saunders did little to appease fans, players, pundits and those who weren’t sure whether you still got Dean Saunders, alike.

Many supporters at Molineux called for Saunders’ head after defeat at Brighton sentenced their side to the third tier and it seems the board have taken the message literally, aiming to rebuild bridges by wiping Saunders off the face of the planet once and for all.

“Manager Dean Saunders has been informed that he is to be terminated,” a statement from chairman Steve Morgan reads: “Assistant manager Brian Carey is also to be eradicated.

“Wolves would like to thank Dean and Brian for their efforts in what has been a very difficult period for everyone. We wish them all the best for the future, with the exception of the immediate future and their attempts to evade the team of futuristic cyborg-assassins we have contracted to carry out their termination.”

In a press conference earlier this week, Saunders stressed his disappointment at failing to keep Wolves afloat and his frustration that things hadn’t worked out in the Black Country. He also conveyed his regret at having to repeatedly duck to avoid a hail of bullets fired at him by Killbot X-2, skulking at the back of the room.

There is still hope for the embattled tactician. Wolves infamously attempted to terminate loveable northern stereotype Mick McCarthy after his dismissal on February 2012, but McCarthy managed to evade and then destroy Killbot X-1, luring it into a conversation about Bovril before dispatching it with a sneaky rabbit punch.

The club will be keen to avoid such an embarrassment this time around, but reports suggest that Saunders has thus far evaded capture and may have removed his ‘DS’ monogrammed tracksuit, rendering him virtually invisible.

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Hollywood rejects Brentford-Doncaster movie, but not for plausibility reasons

Back of the Net — Wed, 01 May 2013 08:13:00 GMT

A big screen adaptation of Saturday's showdown has been turned-down, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

As feared, Hollywood’s Big Six studios have snubbed Brentford-Doncaster, but feedback has largely touched on a lack of broad market appeal rather than the far-fetched nature of events at Griffin Park.

Just days after Brentford’s Marcello Trotta hit the woodwork with a last-minute penalty, only for Doncaster to run up the other end and score, sealing the championship, thoughts have turned to which of the major film studios would bring the Griffin Park saga to the silver screen.

Lone dissenting voice, Doncaster goalkeeper Neil Sullivan, suggested that Hollywood producers may find the plot ‘too fantastical’, but it seems that other motives are behind the lethargic response from across the Atlantic.

“We are respectfully taking a pass [not making the film],” an email from Universal Pictures reads.

"Yeah, we'll edit the background out, don't worry..."

“While we are always excited to receive a script entirely set in a lower-league English football stadium, we have a very full slate at present with Fast and Furious 6 occupying a lot of our resources.”

Universal did indicate that they would be willing to listen to a revised, ‘sexier’ proposal that includes at least two car chases and suggested replacing Doncaster boss Brian Flynn with ‘some chick in a bikini’ or ‘at least Danny Wilson’.

20th Century Fox were less encouraging. Instead of suggesting the plot was far-fetched, they maintained that it ‘lacked jeopardy’.

“I mean, let’s get this straight, if Brentford loses it still gets in the play-offs, right?” an email from chief creative officer Tony Sella enquired.

“Granted it still slumps to defeat against an uncompromising Swindon side, but I’m worried there’s not enough jeopardy. I mean even if it gets in the Championship, what then? It battles relegation for a couple of seasons and eventually goes down again.”

Sella proposed Marcello Trotta and James Coppinger be brothers who have grown apart after the tragic death of their father in a plane crash while carrying an illicit shipment of cocaine to the president, who was in fact a robotic clone.

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Wilson Palacios named Player of the Year in Back Of The Net awards 2013

Back of the Net — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 16:33:00 GMT

It's the time of year when pointless gongs are doled out, and Back of the Net is no different, as John Foster exlains...

Back of the Net is delighted to announce that Stoke City midfielder Wilson Palacios is our Barclays Premier League Player of the Year for 2012/13.

Palacios is a part of the Potters squad that has once again achieved Premier League safety with something to spare, delighting fans and neutrals alike as much for their flair as for their emphasis on playing the game the right way.

Stoke’s midfield is widely regarded as the best outside the Champions League places, and Palacios is the jewel in the crown, outshining even such modern-day Maradonas as Glenn Whelan and Dean Whitehead.

The Honduran’s aggression, driving energy and passing ability have been conspicuous in each of his four appearances this season, all as substitute. Although Stoke’s form has declined over recent months, Palacios can hardly be blamed, given that he hasn’t played since November.

“2012/13 has been a vintage campaign in every way,” a Back of the Net spokesman commented. “Conscious of our hard-won reputation as the most respected and hardest-hitting voice in football journalism today, we wanted to be absolutely certain we were making the right choice for Player of the Year.”

“There were many fine candidates, and we carefully weighed up the merits of the other players on our shortlist, namely Gareth Bale, Robin van Persie, and Mario Balotelli.

“But ultimately none of them has matched what Wilson Palacios has done this year. He could have left in January for slightly smaller wages and regular first-team football, but he chose to stay and fight to win back his place in the team.

“The fact that his fight was unsuccessful is neither here nor there. Wilson is a worthy successor to our previous award-winners Michael Owen (2011) and Lionel Messi (2012).”

The BotN Young Player award was won by Liverpool right-back Martin Kelly, owner of an astonishingly large collection of compromising photographs of international managers, and online football satirists.

Meanwhile, the BotN Blog of the Year award was once again won – by an overwhelming margin – by Back of the Net. Congratulations to all our winners, especially us.

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Nobody has even mentioned Barcelona game, irritated Heynckes reports

Back of the Net — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 14:34:00 GMT

You never get any credit domestically, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Bayern Munich boss Jupp Heynckes has admitted that he wasn’t asked one single question about his magnificent Champions League triumph over Barcelona after arriving home in the latter stages of a dinner party hosted by wife Iris last night.

Heynckes’ side pulled off one of the greatest wins in their history last night, battering the all-conquering Barcelona 4-0 and all but booking their place in the Champions League final.

After the final whistle, Bayern received plaudits from all over the world with many suggesting this is the best team in the club’s rich history.

However, on returning home Heynckes was surprised to find the guests at a dinner party hosted by wife Iris less in awe of his achievement.

“I came home full of pride and adrenaline but nobody even asked me how my day was,” Heynckes told FourFourTwo.com.

“You know, I was waiting for someone to mention the Barcelona game, maybe ask how we’d gone on, but instead I had to listen to Georg’s lengthy anecdote about his son’s primary school teacher, some wry comments about the plan to dredge the River Elbe and a detailed analysis of the wine [a Spatlese Riesling from the Mosel].”

Heynckes revealed that he had attempted to draw attention to the match by sighing heavily and saying things like: “Wow, what a day!” and “Someone pinch me!”

"Hi honey, I'm…. oh."

However, even these attempts fell on deaf ears and Heynckes’ best chance to discuss the win didn’t come until the guests were on the doorstep saying their goodbyes.

“Georg’s wife Julia leaned over and asked ‘Are you still working in football?’ but I hadn’t even finished describing my formative coaching years at Athletic Bilbao before she yawned and said they had to be up early the next day,” Heynckes explained.

“The oddest thing is that Georg even calls himself a football fan. He supports Freiburg. So, what, did he forget the game was on? Or did he know but was hoping we’d lose? That wouldn’t really make sense as we don’t have any meaningful rivalry with them. I don’t know, but the whole thing ruined my evening completely.”

When asked this morning whether anything interesting had happened at work yesterday, a grumpy Heynckes is said to have responded: ‘Oh, nothing much,’ before taking a slurp of coffee and bringing his cup down with a slight thud.

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Biting not offensive in South America, claims Luis Suarez

Back of the Net — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 15:20:00 GMT

Calm down, it was all just a big misunderstanding, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Luis Suarez has defended himself following reports he bit Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic, claiming the act of biting another person is a common cultural practice in his homeland of Uruguay, and does not have the offensive undertones it has here in Britain.

Television cameras appeared to show Suarez biting Ivanovic’s arm as the two tussled in the penalty area during Liverpool’s 2-2 draw with Chelsea on Sunday, but the Reds striker has declared himself bewildered by the media attention that has followed.

“Where I come from, it is common for people to bite one another in a jovial manner,” said Suarez, who is known in his native Uruguay as ‘el lunático que muerde todo’, or ‘The Nutjob Who’s Always Biting People’.

“When people see me sinking my teeth into Ivanovic’s arm in a blind, lunatic rage, they naturally jump to conclusions,” Suarez continued. “But I meant no offence. It was a comical nibble; a wink with my jaws.

“Anyway, he was holding me with his fingers, which everyone knows are the teeth of the hands, so really he started it.”

But critics claim that Suarez should have been aware that biting an opponent is not acceptable. While playing for Ajax, the 26-year old was sent off for eating an opponent’s arm, something he claimed at the time was “akin to putting your thumb on your nose and waggling your fingers in Holland.”

However, Suarez’s hopes of escaping a ban look slim, based on previous instances of Premier League biting. In 2006, Tottenham's Jermaine Defoe escaped a ban after biting Javier Mascherano, establishing the precedent that while South Americans may under no circumstances bite anyone, they themselves may be bitten with impunity.

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Wigan suffer demoralising defeat in “perfect tribute” to Thatcher

Back of the Net — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 13:16:00 GMT

The weekend football programme reflected Margaret Thatcher's premiership, reports Back of the Net's John Foster...

On the weekend following the funeral of Lady Thatcher and the outpouring of grief and love that followed her death, Wigan Athletic paid their own special tribute to the ex-Prime Minister by succumbing to a humiliating defeat, in recognition of her impact on the town and its industry.

“Thatcher will never be forgotten in Wigan, and we thought that a loss against West Ham that left us fighting for our survival was the perfect tribute,” said supporters’ club chairman Jason Taylor.

“She did so many things for this region,” Taylor continued. “The closure of the Golborne Pit, the poll tax, 50% unemployment. We thought the best way to remember her was to put up bitter resistance against richer and stronger opposition before ultimately being forced to accept our fate.”

Fans of both Wigan and West Ham brought passports and driving licenses to the match, a reference to Thatcher’s desire to introduce compulsory ID cards for football fans. This hugely popular proposal never became law, to the widespread dismay of everyone within the game.

Wigan chairman Dave Whelan joined forces with fellow club chairmen and Conservative Party donors Mohammed Al Fayed and John Madejski for a minute’s waving of a handful of £20 notes while chanting “loadsamoney”.

Other teams also chose to mark the passing of Margaret Thatcher. Wolverhampton Wanderers, Doncaster Rovers and Middlesbrough joined Wigan in recording symbolic losses in recognition of those towns’ systematic decline throughout the Iron Lady’s premiership.

Elsewhere, Blackburn Rovers prepared to sack their fourth manager this season, in tribute to Thatcher’s time in office boasting the highest unemployment figures in a generation.

A Football League spokesman denied that there was any strain of anti-Thatcher feeling within football, affirming that she was as unanimously loved within the sport as she was in the rest of the country.

“Any anti-Thatcher chants you may have heard were almost certainly references to Ben Thatcher,” the League confirmed, “who everyone has always hated.”

Newcastle offside trap finally springs into action, snaring loveable fawn

Back of the Net — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 10:23:00 GMT

The Toon defence is in full action, sadly almost a week too late, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Newcastle United have released a baby fawn back into the wild this afternoon after it became ensnared in the club’s erratic offside trap.

While slumping to a humiliating 3-0 defeat at the hands of local rivals Sunderland, the offside trap appeared to be out of action as Stephane Sessegnon repeatedly flaunted its steely jaws.

However, the groundsman at St. James’ Park was in for a shock when he came to oil the mechanism early this morning, as he discovered a cowering baby deer locked in place in an inviting shooting position.

“It [the fawn] seemed to have gone into shock,” an eyewitness reported to FourFourTwo.

Pardew, wearing his new touchline hat, prepares to re-set the trap

“These days the Newcastle box is a place where you expect to be able to wander at will.”

The trap, which is usually employed somewhere between Steven Taylor and Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, is regarded by many as antiquated and acts more as a deterrent than a means of active policing of Newcastle territory.

Newcastle boss Alan Pardew is known to take a more progressive stance and is a advocate of reconciliation meetings with opposition strikers, aiming to alleviate the root causes of their desire to score against Newcastle.

In its heyday in the 1990s, Arsenal famously constructed an offside trap so effective it took Paul Rideout the best part of four years to win his freedom. Rideout re-emerged looking wild-eyed and gaunt only to blaze wide of David Seaman’s right post.

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Europa League still unable to get excited about Chelsea

Back of the Net — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 13:45:00 GMT

European football's bridesmaid just wants to feel loved, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

The Europa League has admitted the prospect of being won by Chelsea is “underwhelming”, telling close friends that it sees the Premier League heavyweights as an obligation it would rather not have to think about.

Chelsea take on Rubin Kazan tonight in their quarter final second leg, and are hot favourites to win not just the tie, but also to the trophy at the end of the season, something the recently-rebranded cup competition is equivocal about at best.

“Obviously I take Chelsea seriously, to a point,” said the trophy that was until 2009 called the UEFA Cup. “But when you’re used to the swashbuckling glamour of a Porto or an Atlético Madrid, or the old-fashioned romance of Shakhtar [Donetsk] or Spartak [Moscow] battling through the early rounds on frozen pitches for a shot at glory, a bunch of uninterested millionaires strolling around a half-empty Stamford Bridge feels like a comedown.”

“In six months’ time, will I remember being raised aloft by John Terry? Will I look back fondly on a jaded Branislav Ivanoic indifferently spraying his teammates with champagne, or Fernando Torres’ dutiful attempt at horseplay in front of a cluster of politely applauding supporters? No chance.”

The Europa League emphasised that it was bound by a sense of professional duty to respect Chelsea, but that it looked forward to a time when it wouldn’t have to think about the 2012 Champions League winners.

“They’ll probably be back next season, though,” Europe’s second-most important cup competition added.

“Which I find really depressing.”

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Blackpool boss Paul Ince slaps price tag on entire family

Back of the Net — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 08:00:00 GMT

The Tangerines boss admits he may be forced to sell the family silver...and the family, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

Blackpool manager Paul Ince has announced that he is prepared to sell any and every member of his immediate family, to any buyer, if they offer a large enough fee.

The offer is believed to apply to his sons, his wife Claire, and both his siblings.

“I don’t want to sell any of them, but if there’s enough money on the table, we’d have to think about it,” the former Internazionale star told FourFourTwo. “I’d like to think that everyone here will remain a part of this family for the rest of their careers, but we can’t afford to be naïve.

“We can’t compete with clubs like Man City and AC Milan,” he continued. “If Silvio Berlusconi takes a shine to Claire, for example, all I can do is try to get the best possible price.”

QPR are said to have identified Paul’s £4m-valued brother, Chris Ince, as the man to provide a calming influence and some fatherly advice for wayward star Adel Taraabt. And Paul’s son Tom, apparently worth £25m, has reportedly attracted the attention of Liverpool, who want him to play football for them.

Ince denied that his was a “selling family”, citing the capture of his son Daniel Ince after he was deemed surplus to requirements by biological father Jason McAteer.

The former Notts County boss confirmed, however, that he would consider selling his grandmother, albeit reluctantly, if he thought the move was right for all parties.

“It’d be hard to let go of the woman who helped raise me from a tiny baby to be the man I am today, but I don’t want to stand in the way of the next step in her career,” he said, in response to reported interest from an unnamed Premier League player in the Manchester area.

“She can’t train every day, and she might have lost a yard of pace, but you can’t put a price on experience. Though I can, and it’s £800,000.”

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"It’s Barcelona versus Blaise Matuidi", thinks Blaise Matuidi

Back of the Net — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 11:30:00 GMT

It's clash of the titans in the French captial, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

The Champions League quarter-final draw has pitted favourites Barcelona against the dark horse of Blaise Matuidi, according to reports from Blaise Matuidi.

Most media reports on the Barcelona versus Paris Saint-Germain clash have focused on maverick narcissist Zlatan Ibrahimovic or weathered beefcake David Beckham, but Matuidi is said to be thinking of the tie largely in terms of himself.

Jowly coxcomb and PSG manager Carlo Ancelotti used a recent press conference to stress the importance of working together in a spirit of mutual respect and humility, a message that seems to have been lost on Matuidi, who spent the session talking loudly over his manager.

“The big-spending, rising force of Blaise Matuidi is all that stands between Barcelona and a sixth successive semifinal,” the France international told reporters.

“It’s Matuidi and ten others,” he continued, interrupting Ancelotti’s respectful remarks about Barça interim boss Jordi Roura. “Surely [Lionel] Messi, Xavi [Hernandez] and [Andres] Iniesta can only be stopped by the man they call ‘Guns a-Blaising’,” he continued.

Matuidi, who has previously experimented with the nicknames ‘Blaise of Glory’, ‘Saint Blaise the Punisher’, and ‘Checkmate-uidi’, also told the assembled journalists that he was the draw most teams would have been hoping to avoid.

“Barcelona will be worried,” 25-year old Matuidi replied in response to a question about Lucas Moura’s ankle injury that had been directed at Ancelotti. “Normally they’d send their best scouts to check up on me, but they’ll have been scouting me for months anyway, I expect.”

Reports from the PSG training ground suggest that other players have mentally earmarked the game as Ezequiel Lavezzi versus Barcelona, Jeremy Menez versus Barcelona, Javier Pastore versus Barcelona, and Zlatan versus the rest of creation.

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Montenegro vs England was a figment of your imagination, Brnovic boasts

Back of the Net — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 15:30:00 GMT

If you thought you wasted your Tuesday evening watching a dull match, you should think again, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Montenegro coach Branko Brnovic has revealed that yesterday’s World Cup qualifier against England was all an illusion he had created.

In the build-up to England’s trip to Podgorica, Brnovic caused controversy with a series of inflammatory comments that Roy Hodgson dismissed as ‘mind games’.

However, in the aftermath of an apparent 1-1 draw, Brnovic has outlined the true extent of his mentalist capabilities.

“Obviously England will be frustrated to have let their lead slip and only come away with a point, but it was a great second half performance from our boys,” Brnovic told FourFourTwo.

“Except that it wasn’t a great performance from our boys, because there was no England lead – in fact there was no game at all. It was all me, Brnovic.

“We’re not even in England’s group, we’re in Group C with the Republic of Ireland and Germany.

“But actually we’re not even in Group C because Montenegro never became an independent state. It’s still part of a united Yugoslavia.”

Brnovic went on to reveal that apparent goal scorer Dejan Damjanovic was in fact Stevan Jovetic, who in turn is actually Mirko Vucinic. He was unable to clarify the purpose in this exchange.

UEFA have indicated that they will investigate Brnovic’s claims but the result is likely to stand. Much of Latvia’s successful Euro 2004 qualification campaign was found to be a vivid dream that Marius Pahars had after one of his famed cheese and wine evenings in Riga, but the Latvians were still admitted to the competition.

Brnovic concluded his interview in buoyant fashion, telling FourFourTwo that he fancied his side’s chances of finishing top of Group H, insisting that they had already finished top of Group H and then ripping his face off to reveal he was in fact Roy Hodgson.

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Rio Ferdinand refuses to do any of the boring bits of jigsaw puzzle

Back of the Net — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 17:10:00 GMT

The centreback is willing to help out, but just not yes, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Friends of Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand have expressed their frustration at the experienced stopper’s reluctance to take part in the arduous early work in a 1,500-piece jigsaw puzzle.

Ferdinand and a group of friends initially sat down with a testing jigsaw of Westminster Abbey last night with the entire team seeming to be fully committed to the task at hand.

But Ferdinand's teammates were left flummoxed when the 34-year-old hurried off during the testing early stages of the puzzle, asserting that he would be ‘back to help finish it off’.

“Of course there’s some bitterness,” an anonymous puzzler told FourFourTwo.

“Those first few hours are sheer hell out there and you all need to pull together. It was a big letdown to see Rio abandon us when we needed his keen eye for angles the most.”

Various critics have questioned Ferdinand’s hunger when confronted with the sometimes less than glorious realities of completing a sizeable jigsaw.

“None of us want to be spending several hours putting together entirely blue pieces to make the sky. But the payoff for that is the adrenaline rush of putting that final piece in the North Transept,” our source continued.

Many felt that Ferdinand was somewhat fortunate to receive the invitation to create a 1,500-piecer having rarely made anything larger than 300 pieces in recent months, which makes his decision even more shocking.

“Sure, Rio used to be able to assemble a border for fun, but these days we often see him trying to mangle two non-connecting pieces together,” the irate puzzleman concluded.

“The saddest thing is that we still need him at all. You would’ve thought we’d be able to find someone better by now.”

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Callum McManaman visits Massadio Haidara’s severed leg in hospital

Back of the Net — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 10:05:00 GMT

Back of the Net's John Foster reports on the the fall-out from the biggest controversy of the Premier League weekend...

Callum McManaman has attempted to defuse the row over his horror tackle on Massadio Haidara by stopping by the Wigan General Hospital to visit the stricken Newcastle man’s severed leg.

Latics forward McManaman drew widespread condemnation for a knee-high challenge that saw Haidara receive lengthy on-field treatment to his leg, while the rest of his body was stretchered off and taken to hospital.

Owing to an administrative error, Haidara and his remaining limbs were moved to Newcastle Royal Infirmary, while the leg has remained in a special ward in Wigan. McManaman told reporters that he conversed with the leg for around twenty minutes on Sunday evening.

“I wasn’t sure if [the leg] would be pleased to see me, but I said hello, made my apologies, and [the leg] seemed to accept it, so that was that,” he said.

“I told [the leg] what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger, or alternatively, put you out of action for several months,” McManaman continued.

“Now we should all brush ourselves down and get back on our feet, or as the case may be, our foot. This incident is in the past now, just like Massadio Haidara’s season.”

Yes, we realise this is the wrong leg - probably down to NHS cutbacks...

FourFourTwo understands that the player and the leg also enjoyed a game of keepy-uppy and a few rounds of Boggle, which McManaman graciously allowed the bloodied, useless limb to win.

By visiting Haidara, McManaman may have prevented the furore from escalating further. Stephen Hunt, then of Reading, fractured Petr Cech’s skull in 2006, and was heavily criticized for not going to see Cech in hospital, despite Hunt’s claims that he had visited the comatose goalkeeper in his dreams.

Another notorious hospital incident involved Basque hardman Andoni Goikoetxea, who in 1983 broke Diego Maradona’s left ankle with a horrific lunge from behind. Upon visiting the star in his private ward, Goikoetxea was widely condemned for failing to apologise for the tackle, eating all Maradona’s grapes, and breaking the Argentine’s right ankle with a sneaky kick while he was leaving.

Callum McManaman’s troubles may not be over yet, however. Greater Manchester Police have announced they want to interview the 21-year old’s vicious bone, after Wigan manager Roberto Martinez confirmed after the game that it was not in the player’s body.

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Indecisive Palermo chief Zamparini sends back meal for fifth time

Back of the Net — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 09:48:00 GMT

Back of the Net's John Foster reports on the Rosanero boss-man changing his mind...again

Staff at the award-winning Palermo restaurant Kursaal Kalhesa have reacted with despair to the news that local businessman and US Città di Palermo owner Maurizio Zamparini has sent back his food for a record fifth time.

Zamparini, 71, a regular customer of the establishment for more than a decade, declared after two mouthfuls that his stuffed chicken breast in marsala sauce with spinach was excessively dry, and demanded the waiters bring him the grilled swordfish with a roulade of clams.

Zamparini earlier rejected the artichoke risotto, the seafood tagliolini, the braised beef with paprika, and the mixed grill. Privately, waiters expressed their fear that the swordfish, marinaded in orange and honey and seared for two minutes in a charcoal oven, would meet with the same reaction.

“[The swordfish] is one of our most popular dishes, but in this business, reputation goes out the window,” said Andrea Rizzo, Kursaal Kalhesa maître d’. “We know we have to be completely on our game if we’re going to get through tonight. We’ve been preparing for Mr Zamparini all week, but anything can happen out there.”

Zamp: "Actually, I'll just have some chips, ta..."

Rizzo recalled an evening several years ago on which Zamparini sent back an onion soup three times, only to recall it on each occasion when a veal escalope, a spaghetti puttanesca, and a cheese board proved unsatisfactory.

“That was a long night,” he told FourFourTwo. “We thought the cheese board would sort him out, but after a good start with the pecorino and the caciottina he took against the fig compote and we were back to square one.”

At the time of going to press, Zamparini had reportedly sent back the swordfish half-eaten, sacked Gian Piero Gasperini, and demanded to see the dessert menu.

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Preview: Newcastle face stern test against Anzh– oh hang on, it’s already finished

Back of the Net — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 18:29:00 GMT

Back of the Net's John Foster gets lost in the timewarp

 Newcastle United’s Europa League campaign faces its toughest challenge yet this evening, as they prepare for their last 16 meeting with Russian side Anzhi Makhachkala, who will be hoping to – wait a second, apparently it’s just finished.

Going into tonight’s clash, Guus Hiddink’s side are undefeated at home in the competition, and following it that apparently remains the case. Most bookmakers offer good odds on a draw, not least because it just happened, several minutes ago.

Following their battling 1-0 win at Metalist Kharkiv in the previous round, a game that now we think about it also kicked off at 5pm, Newcastle will be hoping to keep a clean sheet, a hope that looks all the more forlorn when one reflects that the game is finished and that they drew 0-0. The Magpies’ task will be made harder by the fact that Papiss Cissé is unlikely to feature, because doing so would involve him going back in time.

Newcastle will look to take on Anzhi, or just have done

Magpies manager Alan Pardew, when asked by FourFourTwo about his hopes for the first leg, gave us a funny look and went back to watching highlights of the last time these two teams met, which was approximately 20 minutes ago.

His opposite number Hiddink, when asked if he considered the first leg already won, said “No, of course not. You are an idiot,” and stomped off looking cross.

The game will be played – or rather, has already been played – at 9pm, which is 5pm in England, it turns out. Last-minute news from the Newcastle camp is that they may give a number of players a rest, as they’ve just spent 90 minutes playing a game of football in Russia.

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We need FOOTBALLING miracle, clarifies Celtic's Lennon

Back of the Net — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 13:18:00 GMT

Back of the Net's Paul Watson on a misunderstanding that has caused grief in the Celtic camp...

Celtic boss Neil Lennon has been forced to be more specific in his request for ‘a miracle’ ahead of Wednesday evening’s Champions League last 16 second leg against Juventus.

With the Bhoys trailing 3-0 on aggregate and a daunting trip to Turin ahead of them, Lennon had requested a miracle in the press.

However, after a series of God-given training ground incidents that seem to do little to further the Scottish side’s cause, Lennon has admitted that he didn’t quite make his demands clear.

Lennon looked on nonplussed earlier in the week as Victor Wanyama exorcised Legion – a demon that had inhabited Fraser Forster for several months.

And sources inside the club report that Celtic’s preparations for Wednesday's game have been if anything hampered by Joe Ledley’s wife being turned into a pillar of salt, as the Welsh international has taken time off to be at her shaker-side.

"The whole miracle thing has been a bit of a nightmare to be totally honest with you," Lennon told FourFourTwo.

Half time drinks, lads...?

"We were all very impressed when Georgey [Georgios Samaras] turned the water in the players’ bottles into wine on Monday afternoon, but that really did very little to help us in the build-up to the Juventus trip. In fact, the lad’s got a disciplinary hearing booked.

"And while it was lovely that Ambrose managed to heal up Scotty Brown’s adductor simply by placing his hands on it, we’ve now barely seen him all week because he’s been off curing lepers.

"What I was really looking for was something more along the lines of a couple of early goals or a soft penalty or something."

Celtic will go in search of a famous upset without Mikael Lustig (groin) and Emilio Izaguirre (parting the Red Sea).

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Inter pass on John Carew after medical shows he is John Carew

Back of the Net — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 12:54:00 GMT

Back of the Net's Paul Watson with the inside scoop on a transfer gone wrong...

Inter Milan have walked away from a deal for Norwegian striker John Carew after medical tests suggested there was a strong possibility their potential signing was John Carew.

After a difficult campaign, Inter are simply focusing on Champions League qualification and were dealt a blow with a serious injury to striking star Diego Milito.

In a bid to replace the Argentine hitman, the Nerazzurri brought in Norwegian free agent John Carew for a trial, but were forced to withdraw their interest after unexpected revelations from their medical team.

“In our tests, we noted a significant risk of John Carew,” Inter doctor Franco Combi told FourFourTwo.

“The player generally did pretty well in training, but when we looked him over he showed all the signs of being John Carew – he filled in his paperwork with the name ‘John Carew’, replied when I addressed him as ‘John’ and when he attempted to volley a piece of screwed-up paper into the bin, he missed by some distance.”

The 33-year-old Carew is currently a free agent after leaving West Ham last summer. He has come close to signing for various teams, but has failed to pass medicals.

“It’s a frustrating time for John,” a spokesman for the player admitted. “Clubs seem to be worried that he will be John Carew and that, if anything, he may become more John Carew as he is entering the last few years of his playing career.

“I just wish people were willing to give him a try because I still honestly believe that if you give him a headed chance from six yards out he will almost always get it on target.”

Aston Villa are said to be considering a swoop for Carew but progress in the deal has been stalled as Villa attempt to work out if Carew already plays for them.

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75% of all TV programming is Gareth Bale

Back of the Net — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 11:33:00 GMT

Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports that there's no escaping the Tottenham winger...

Three out of every four television programmes now involve Tottenham star Gareth Bale, an independent watchdog has revealed.

The Welsh international continued his magnificent season with a spectacular last-minute winner on Monday evening to round off a virtuoso performance as Spurs beat West Ham 3-2. And it seems that Bale’s efforts have struck a chord with the nation’s media.

Several of Tuesday’s papers compared him favourably to the likes of Jimmy Greaves, Dave Mackay and Mahatma Gandhi. Even The Sun, usually renowned for its level-headed approach to reportage, labelled his goal ‘the greatest achievement in human history’.

Sky Sports News dedicated 12 uninterrupted hours to replays of Bale’s wonder strike, pausing only to preview a further hour of replays of the goal and allow clumsy, mechanical flirtation between its dead-eyed hosts.

Meanwhile the BBC’s website offered to option to view the site in ‘Bale mode’ where every news story was in some way connected to Gareth Bale.

A report from a TV watchdog states that 75% of TV broadcasts on Tuesday contained Bale, 20% featured omnipresent Scottish songstress Emeli Sandé and 5% were crossovers involving both. The conclusion of the report stated that "presently, any person in the United Kingdom with their eyes open will be looking at Bale or Sandé in some capacity".

With Tottenham hosting rivals Arsenal in Sunday's crucial North London derby, the Bale machine is set to go into overdrive. Channel 4 will screen Bale Jumpers – a hastily produced two-hour documentary on the flair player’s favourite sweatshirts – while BBC Four’s Christian Bale? is a three-hour exploration of the impact the Great Schism of 1054 may have had on the Welshman’s recent form.

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None of the things Bosingwa does in training would take your breath away, team-mates admit

Back of the Net — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 16:07:00 GMT

Back of the Net's Paul Watson brings a non-shock report from Loftus Road...

Team-mates of QPR’s under-fire defender Jose Bosingwa have confessed that the Portuguese international is putting in no hard work behind the scenes and stressed that he never surprises them with what he is capable of.

Bosingwa has attracted criticism for poor performances on the pitch, refusing to sit on the substitutes’ bench against Fulham and insisting his poorly-judged Portuguese-language easy-listening album Who’s The Bos? had to be played before games at Loftus Road.

With doubts over Bosingwa’s future, team-mates today attempted to rally to his defence, but only succeeded in adding to the clouds gathering over the right-back.

“What the fans don’t see is what goes on behind the scenes,” goalkeeper Robert Green told FourFourTwo.

“But, come to think of it, almost all of what Jose does in training is exactly what you’d imagine, if you’ve seen him play.

“His passing is wayward and misguided, he shows an almost complete lack of positional sense and his decision-making borders on the insane.”

Captain Clint Hill also insisted that supporters "didn’t get to see the true Bosingwa" before clarifying that the "real Bosingwa was in fact much lazier and less gifted. Really, if anything, the fans probably get to see a slightly better version of Bosingwa.

“In training he’s the same limited footballer with an inflated sense of self-worth, but he tries to send text messages while nobody’s watching and scratches himself a little more regularly.”

Bosingwa is currently out with a back injury that the club’s doctors insist was caused by "exactly what you’d think".

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Conflicted Arsenal fans create new noise to express feelings for Wenger

Back of the Net — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 15:20:00 GMT

There are no rumblings of discontent at Arsenal, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Observers at the Emirates Stadium on Saturday reported that Arsenal supporters watching their side’s 1-0 FA Cup defeat against Blackburn emitted an entirely new sound, described as a ‘disconcerting throaty mewling’, in response to Arsene Wenger.

Wenger’s 16-year reign at Arsenal has seen its fair share of ups and downs. But failure to deliver a trophy since 2005 has seen the French tactician’s popularity wane. This has made Wenger, who was once idolised by all Gunners fans, increasingly fractious and birdlike in his relationships with supporters, players and the media.

During the latest defeat against Blackburn, the emotional strain finally told on Arsenal fans.

After a brief chant of: "Oh, Wenger / we have immense and profound respect for you / both as a man and a manager / we praise your vision, integrity and dedication / even when other clubs have greater financial resources / but there’s an unsettling sensation / that perhaps you’ve led us as far as you can take us / we question your decision-making / and a fresh start might be best" fizzled out, fans instinctively began to make a sound somewhere between a cheer and a boo, directed at Wenger.

“It was a thoroughly unsettling sound – a kind of throaty mewling,” one neutral observer told FourFourTwo.

“I guess it would best be described as the whistling of a young otter at play, crossed with a voiceless lateral fricative sound, similar to the ‘ll’ sound in Welsh.”

Others have likened the sound to ‘an ageing rock star throwing up into a nearly boiled kettle’.

“It was an ungodly noise and it seemed to take on a life of its own,” our observer continued. “Even the fans making the noise seemed shocked by it, but then again everyone’s a little surprised when someone breaks the silence at the Emirates.”

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Everton striker Jelavic struggling to recapture early-season human form

Back of the Net — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 11:30:00 GMT

The Goodison goal-getter isn't the player he used to be, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

Everton striker Nikica Jelavic, scorer of just one league goal in his past thirteen appearances, has told FourFourTwo he is determined to recapture his early season human form.

Jelavic, who was signed from Rangers as a humanoid target man, found the target five times in his first ten matches of this campaign, but he has recently been dropped in favour of the more technically limited but less polymorphous Victor Anichebe.

“With Victor you get a guarantee of one hundred per cent effort, and that he will end the game the same species that he began it,” explained manager David Moyes. “Sadly Nikica can’t give us that right now.”

Jelavic had been hoping to make an impression as a substitute against Manchester United last Sunday, but spent his 35 minutes on the field gradually transforming into a Malayan tapir, which hindered his effectiveness in the final third.

“Nikica is working very hard to remain human-shaped, but he had a setback last week when he stretched for a ball in training and transformed into a walrus,” continued Moyes. “We thought he was over that, but as you can see, he’s a tapir now.”

“He’s no good to us as a tapir, or an walrus, or a sea slug. Basically, any form but human is bad, with the possible exception of shambling tree-monster, which makes everyone think fondly of Duncan Ferguson.”

The Croatian is not the first shapeshifter to play in the Premier League. In 2003, Tottenham Hotspur thought they’d landed a bargain when they signed Japan World Cup star Kazuyuki Toda. However, after just four appearances, Toda was revealed to be a mischievous fox spirit, and was banished to the Netherlands having eaten Goran Bunjevcevic’s soul.

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Hammers boss Allardyce removes self from Pontiff frame

Back of the Net — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 14:07:00 GMT

Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports that Big Sam won't be giving up the Boelyn for the Vatican...

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce has moved to curb speculation that he will become the new head of the Catholic Church when his present Hammers contract expires this summer.

Pope Benedict XVI is set to become the first Pope in 600 years to leave by mutual consent citing ‘disappointing recent results’ and admitting that at 85 years of age he had ‘lost a yard of pace’.

There will be no shortage of candidates for the Catholic hot seat, but, despite leading West Ham back to Premier League comfort, Sam Allardyce won’t be throwing his hat into the ring.

“[Big] Sam is completely focused on leading West Ham to survival,” a spokesman for the straight-talking jowl hoarder told FourFourTwo.

“Of course he’s flattered at being touted as a potential Pontiff and I think his successes at Bolton, Blackburn and, to a lesser extent, West Ham, show that he has what it takes to exercise the Petrine ministry. But, I want to stress that Sam’s focus is very much on Tottenham at home.”

While Prefect Emeritus for the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments, Francis Arinze, is widely seen as the frontrunner to replace Joseph Ratzinger, Allardyce is instilled as second favourite with most bookmakers at 15/2.

Odds on the Dudley native shortened considerably after an unusually theological press conference following West Ham’s 2-1 defeat to Aston Villa in which Allardyce skirted over his side’s poor recent form, preferring to stress the importance of ‘dealing with the challenges of secularism and materialism in the western world’ before likening Mark Noble to the ‘victim soul of St Gemma’.

At 58 years old, Allardyce would be young for the role, but his conservative brand of effective football is said to have impressed many in the Vatican.

“Allardyce is seen by many as the kind of man who could go to 7.30am mass at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul and get a result. He’s all about winning ugly and that’s what we need,” a Vatican insider told FourFourTwo.

“On his day, Ratzinger produces some beautiful, flowing homily, but all too often he’s guilty of trying to pass it in.”

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Fulham awareness at an all-time low

Back of the Net — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 16:05:00 GMT

Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports on a gap in public perception...

A shocking FourFourTwo survey has revealed that fewer than 1% of adults in the UK are aware of the existence of a Fulham Football Club.

Despite being comfortably established as a Premier League outfit, Fulham are often neglected by the media, who prefer to focus on their more illustrious neighbours Chelsea.

And the extent of the problem has become clear after the stunning results of a poll to find out what the public thought of the Cottagers is.

Just 1% said they knew of a Fulham FC, while a further 6% were open to the concept of a Fulham FC but asked to see proof. Nearly all respondents believed ‘Cottagers’ to be something other than fans of Fulham FC.

While precious few of those surveyed were able to name Fulham manager Martin Jol, his unthreatening visage was widely said to ‘ring a bell’, with more than 75% of respondents believing the Dutch tactician to be either their uncle or someone they met at a friend’s recent wedding.

Even those who were able to give a detailed run-down of Fulham’s history were left admitting the West London club seemed implausible.

“Now I’ve said it aloud, it seems kind of silly,” Adam Hodges told FourFourTwo.

“That bit about the arrival of an Egyptian tycoon, a rapid ascent from the fourth tier to the Premier League, reaching the Europa League final while still maintaining loveable underdog status and a carefree family club atmosphere. Yeah, doesn’t quite work, does it?”

Others who had answered ‘yes’ to the question "Is there a Fulham Football Club?" later revealed that they had actually been thinking of Chelsea Football Club, the nearby Fuller’s Brewery and ham, a popular meat.

Nonetheless, Fulham remain popular with tourists, people who haven’t seen a live match before and joggers unable to find the continuation of the Thames Path.

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Alex McLeish leaves Nottingham Forest by mutual catapult

Back of the Net — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 11:48:00 GMT

Back of the Net's John Foster reports on another unhappy ending for the put-upon Scotsman...

Alex McLeish’s brief and unsuccessful spell at Nottingham Forest is over, after club chairman Fawaz al-Hasawi announced the former Aston Villa boss had agreed to leave the Championship side by being catapulted into the River Trent.

McLeish was parachuted in to consolidate Forest’s promotion push, but his reign got off to a bad start when he collided with the City Ground roof upon landing, breaking his collarbone. An early run of defeats and a small gas leak saw the Forest hotseat quickly turn into a firefighting job, with McLeish suffering first-degree burns while putting out the blaze.

In the wake of last weekend’s 2-1 defeat to Birmingham City, many observers believed McLeish had dug himself into a hole, after the 54-year old retreated into a freshly-constructed bunker in his garden with just a blanket and some cheese straws.

"A helmet? No, I'm not really sure there's much point..."

Al-Hasawi assumed the chairmanship of Forest in mid-December, promising fans a new broom. However, his promised January investment did not materialise, leaving the struggling McLeish "dismayed and sooty".

"We appreciate the great efforts of Alex and his staff," Hasawi said in a statement. "But looking at the league table, it is clear to the board that the best course of action is to strap Alex into a trebuchet, weigh him down with stones, and hurl him into the freezing water. We would like to wish him the best of luck."

McLeish had been brought in just 40 days ago to replace Sean O’Driscoll, who took Forest to within a point of the play-offs before being fired from a cannon into Bridgford Park. O’Driscoll’s predecessor, Steve Cotterill, lasted just two days following Hasawi’s takeover before he was seized from his bed by masked men and strapped to the front of a Virgin Pendolino train heading north.

Al-Hasawi refused to comment on reports linking former Southampton boss Nigel Adkins with the vacancy, but did confirm that the club want to have both a new manager and a state-of-the-art snake pit in place before the next home game against Bolton Wanderers.

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New edition of The Lovers’ Guide contains copious references to Dimitar Berbatov

Back of the Net — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 11:09:00 GMT

The effortlessly brilliant Bulgarian has inspired more than just a 3-1 victory over West Ham this week, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

Lifetime Productions International, publishers of the celebrated Lovers’ Guide to sex and relationships, have been forced to answer questions about why the latest edition of their groundbreaking series contains over forty mentions of Bulgarian footballer Dimitar Berbatov.

Berbatov, 32, is cited as an example in virtually every section of The Lovers’ Guide 2013, including the chapters on ‘teasing’, ‘playtime’, and ‘penetration’. The DVD is narrated by EastEnders actress Gemma Bissix and Clive Tyldesley.

"Never rush a kiss," Bissix tells viewers. "You may be straining with desire for your partner, but the sensual experience of kissing your lover’s lips can become intoxicating if you slow things down, like Dimitar Berbatov looking around him for options before playing a perfect pass to feet."

"You can spice things up by bringing a kinky fetish into the equation," says Bissix during the section on sexual roleplay. "Many scenarios involve a power play, such as police officer and suspect, doctor and patient, or Dimitar Berbatov and hapless defender assigned to mark him."

"Right, let's get this show started, shall we...?"

"You may like to take it in turns to be Dimitar Berbatov, ruthlessly subjecting your partner to a humiliating lesson in technique that he or she will never forget. But always remember the importance of a ‘safe word’ so you can stop things before they get out of hand. We suggest ‘offside’, or ‘Kieran Richardson’."

In addition, the section on ‘touch’, previously a thirteen-minute section instructing would-be lovers on how to respond to the desires and impulses of their partners’ bodies, has been replaced with a clip of the striker’s best moments for Fulham, Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur, described by Tyldesley in his trademark caramel tones.

The Lovers’ Guide producer Robert Page spoke to FourFourTwo about the release. "The video has been produced with the aim of helping Britain’s lovers be more like Dimitar Berbatov", he said. "Our research showed beyond doubt that if British women could change one thing about their men, they would turn them into Dimitar Berbatov. And men said something very similar."

"Also, just look at how he controls this clearance from [Aaron] Hughes. I mean, just look at it. Sticks out a leg, brings it under control, lofted pass to the feet of Bryan Ruiz. Oh Berba. That is pure sex."

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Manchester City target revealed to be Renaissance philosopher

Back of the Net — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 15:25:00 GMT

It's deadline day, and Manchester City are on the look out for a new addition, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

Manchester City’s deadline-day business has suffered a setback, as the man who the club had identified as their number one target, Giovanni Pico della Mirandola, was today revealed to be not a trophy-hungry marksman with a nose for goal, but a fifteenth-century syncretic philologist.

The defending Premier League champions had hoped to bring in a striker to replace the departing Mario Balotelli, but their search is set to continue, after officials in Italy confirmed that the influential philosopher, most noted for his Oration on the Dignity of Man, had died in 1494.

“We had been looking for someone with experience, creativity, and an impressive track record, and Giovanni seemed to fit the bill,” said City executive Brian Marwood. “We were also very impressed by his grasp of rhetoric and his mastery of numerous classical languages.”

“Unfortunately, what counts at the end of the day is the ability to put the ball in the back of the net, and for all Pico’s skill at illuminating the cabalistic undertones present in early Bible verses, there’s no evidence that he ever played football, or indeed, any other sport.”

Sources at Eastlands have confirmed that the club will no longer work with Pico della Mirandola’s agent, Bruno Giordano, who overcame being burned at the stake for black magic in 1600 to carve out a respectable Serie A career with Lazio.

With just hours left before the transfer window shuts, City are expected to turn their attentions to Edinson Cavani, who, though not a Renaissance humanist, is the spitting image of Sandro Botticelli’s Man with a Medal of Cosimo de’ Medici.

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Tragedy as Man Utd unravel Zaha, instead of unveiling him

Back of the Net — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 16:30:00 GMT

Manchester United's latest press conference has ended in disaster, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

Chaotic scenes were witnessed at a Manchester United press conference today, as impending summer signing Wilfried Zaha, who was expected to be unveiled by the Premier League leaders, was instead unravelled, leaving him in a helpless spool on the floor.

Desperate club officials scooped up the Crystal Palace man in the shirt they had planned to present him with, and rushed him to the club’s darning room. He faces a race against time to be returned to his previous state by the club’s chief tailor ahead of his return to South London to complete the current season with the Eagles.

Until the thread tragedy, the unveiling had been proceeding as planned. As per tradition, Zaha had been seated on a stool under a big red curtain with a question mark painted on it, when a loose piece of material from the 20-year old’s thighs caught on a nail.

Desperate officials tried to prevent the seam from undoing itself, but their efforts were in vain. Zaha, who had been expected to spend the rest of the season with Crystal Palace, will instead begin his rehabilitation programme in Manchester United’s multimillion-pound sewing basket.

“It’s a blow for the lad, and for everyone at the club,” commented United manager Alex Ferguson. “But I’ve seen Paul Scholes recover from a frayed pancreas, and we re-inflated Ronny Johnsen’s metatarsal when everyone said it was hopeless. Fingers crossed, come next season he’ll be fully mended.”

Manchester United have set up a website for fans to donate unwanted pieces of thread, cloth and buttons that might help in Zaha’s recovery. If necessary, however, puce-hued martinet Ferguson is thought to be ready to sacrifice Ashley Young, by picking apart the ex-Watford man with embroidery scissors in order to incorporate salvageable traces into Zaha.

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Pardew forced to admit Newcastle new boy Debuchy has melted

Back of the Net — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 12:04:00 GMT

The Magpies' new signing is already feeling the heat, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Newcastle United have been forced to concede that January signing Mathieu Debuchy was in fact an expertly crafted snow right-back.

The admission came after another rough weekend for Newcastle, who were beaten 2-1 by fellow strugglers Reading.

Things went from bad to worse for Alan Pardew this morning, with the revelation that £5m winter signing Debuchy is in fact composed of hand-packed snow, casting doubts about his long-term future at St James’ Park.

“We had been targeting Mathieu for months. Playing for Lille, he stood out with his pace, vision and jolly demeanour,” Pardew told FourFourTwo.
“And unlike other players we were watching, he evoked a childlike sense of wonder and magic.”

Pardew was reportedly fuming when Debuchy failed to attend training on Monday before his attention was directed to a small slushy puddle with a carrot, two lumps of coal and a pair of Adizero boots floating in it.

“For want of a better phrase, the boy’s quite literally melted. To be fair to Lille, they’re as disappointed as we are about the mix-up,” Pardew explained.
“They sent us a fax on Monday afternoon to discuss reimbursement. Sadly it turns out our fax machine was also made of snow.”

Debuchy, who left the training ground in a bucket, is now a serious doubt for Newcastle’s crucial trip to Aston Villa but may still be favoured over James Perch.

Scottish giants Celtic will be sympathetic to Newcastle’s plight. The Bhoys’ attempts to add some festive cheer to the window of the Celtic Park club shop in 2006 led to the accidental signing of Dutch defensive midfielder Evander Sno.

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QPR new boy Loïc Rémy promises “some kind of spree”

Back of the Net — Fri, 18 Jan 2013 13:10:00 GMT

The French international is determined to make headlines in West London, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

New QPR striker Loïc Rémy has pledged to fans that he will go on “some kind of spree” while at Loftus Road, causing a flurry of speculation as to exactly what sort of wild, unrestrained activity the 26-year old has in mind.

“Obviously, we’re hoping it’s a scoring spree,” manager Harry Redknapp told FourFourTwo. “To be fair to Loïc, he’s not ruled out a scoring spree, but fans have to be aware that other kinds of spree are also possible.”

Should Rémy’s spree not be of the scoring variety, Redknapp expressed the hope that he might go on a training spree, or a healthy eating spree.

"I'm going to buy soooooooooo many shoes!!!"

“A shopping spree wouldn’t be ideal, but we could cope with that, what with Westfield round the corner,” said the ex-Tottenham boss. “A drinking spree would definitely be bad. So would a crime spree. A killing spree would be the worst, because to be honest, the squad’s down to the bare bones already.”

“Of course, it could be a completely new kind of spree, like a chess spree, or a learning the clarinet spree,” the plasticine-faced tactician continued. “You never can tell with sprees.”

The striker’s tendency to make vaguely threatening promises had seen him frozen out at former club Marseille, where sprees are banned, along with all kinds of mongering, whether fear, hate, war, or fish.

Redknapp himself confirmed that he planned to continue QPR’s spending spree, while expressing confidence that the troubled West London side were getting closer and closer to “some form of glut.”

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Pep Guardiola joins every club in the world but Chelsea

Back of the Net — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 16:00:00 GMT

The soon to be former European Champions have been dealt a blow by St. Josep, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reveals...

Former Barcelona manager Josep Guardiola has confirmed his decision to join every club except Chelsea, dealing a bitter blow to Chelsea and a huge boost to nearly 500,000 other teams.

When Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich axed Roberto Di Matteo at the end of November and brought in Rafa Benitez as interim manager, it was believed to be with a view to appointing Guardiola in the summer.

However, Guardiola has issued what must be regarded as a snub to Chelsea’s attentions by opting instead to sign a deal with all other football teams.

“There has been a lot of talk in the media saying that I am going to manage Chelsea next season,” Guardiola acknowledged to FourFourTwo.

“I think Chelsea are a great and prestigious club, but I want to make it clear that my immediate future lies with every club that isn’t Chelsea.”

Pep at Blackburn, moments before being sacked, probably...

The role of not Chelsea boss is a challenging one, requiring Guardiola to mastermind the progress of just over 477,000 clubs simultaneously.

And the demands on Pep’s time have already been tough to meet with a strict schedule of eight unveilings per day every day until the start of the 2013-14 season.

“Some people are asking me how I expect to juggle the demands of say managing both Manchester clubs or coaching both sides for El Clasico, but I feel not Chelsea is a less stressful environment to work in than other jobs, such as the Chelsea job,” Guardiola insisted.

“Right now I’m not thinking about Chelsea at all, I’m just focused on doing what’s best for West Brom, Litex Lovech, Cruz Azul, Dalian Shide, 1860 Munich, Newcastle Jets, Newcastle United…” he concluded, finishing his statement nearly three hours later.

Guardiola will take heart from the example of Guus Hiddink, who famously managed every national side at the 2002 World Cup to great acclaim. He later took the Chelsea job in 2009 after turning down the chance to manage not Chelsea.

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BotN: Sneijder not selected for backyard kick-about with own son

Back of the Net — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 15:42:00 GMT

Another blow for the drifting Dutchman, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Despite his abundance of natural talent and unquestioned ability to turn a game, Wesley Sneijder was left out of yesterday evening’s garden kick-around with son Jessey in favour of an avuncular neighbour.

It has been a tough season for Dutch international Sneijder, who has been frozen out at Inter after refusing to take a pay cut to his £4.8m salary.

Sneijder has been repeatedly left out of the starting XI by coach Andrea Stramaccioni and hasn’t even been issued a standard team shirt, instead being expected to fashion his own.

The latest blow to Sneijder’s pride has come closer to home, at his house, when he discovered late yesterday afternoon that he hadn’t been selected to play against his six-year-old son.

Wife Yolanthe Cabau instead opted to call on well-meaning next-door neighbour Enzo Giacomello, a slightly portly 56-year-old account manager for a refrigeration firm in Como.

This is definitely what Wesley Sneijder's back garden looks like. Definitely.

Giacomello, whose last outing was a tense 4-2 victory over his nephew Michele nearly six years ago, admitted he was surprised but flattered to get the nod.

“It came somewhat out of the blue,” he told FourFourTwo. “Wesley has had his struggles, which have been well publicised, but he can clearly still do a job at this level.

“It was a bit of a shock when I arrived to play and found Wesley staring forlornly out of the window – I had presumed he wasn’t around.

“Given that he’s the boy’s biological father and a professional footballer, whereas I’m some guy called Enzo, I would've expected him to be chosen, but those aren’t my decisions to make.”

Despite appearing in the 2010 World Cup Final, Sneijder’s form has been poor against Jessey, who seems to be something of a bogey opponent.

Sneijder has lost his last three games against his young son, including a heartbreaking 20-19 defeat a month ago that saw the older player blow away a sizeable lead after a costly decision to check on Jessey’s dinner in the oven.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Relieved Messi admits he lost Ballon d’Or trophy years ago

Back of the Net — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 14:55:00 GMT

Barcelona star makes shocking admission to Back of the Net's John Foster...

After being awarded the Ballon d’Or for the fourth consecutive year, Lionel Messi has spoken of his ‘pride, happiness, and heartfelt relief’ that he will have at least one more year to locate the trophy he misplaced at some point in 2010.  

Messi pipped longtime rival Cristiano Ronaldo and clubmate Andrés Iniesta to the trophy, gaining 40% of the vote. He admitted, however, that the fact 60% of the voters believed that the gong should have gone either to scampering hypnotist Iniesta or simpering cruiserweight Ronaldo made him a little anxious that they knew something was up.

“I can’t blame people for being suspicious,” Messi told FourFourTwo. “I’m sure they just want to check I’m taking good care of it. Well, it was looking great in 2010.”

Messi has taken to spending most of his free time away from the training ground looking for the solid gold trophy, awarded every year since 1956 to the best player in the world.

"I'm sure I left that thing in here somewhere..."

“I’d love to be out crashing expensive cars and chasing supermodels, but that thing’s not going to find itself,” he said. “At some point that steroided ferret-man [Ronaldo] is bound to win it, and he’s going to smother me to death with body lotion if I don’t hand it over.”

“I thought I’d found it a week ago, but it turned out to be my four Champions League top goalscorer trophies that had clumped together in a box. Maybe this year I’ll get round to putting them on the wall.”

There was also controversy around FIFA’s Best Goal trophy, which was won by Fenerbahce’s Miroslav Stoch. As he collected the award, Stoch was knocked unconscious by a pool cue flung at him from forty metres away by an infuriated Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Gold’s children urge West Ham signings of Cole, Anelka, Batman, SpongeBob

Back of the Net — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 15:54:00 GMT

West Ham's transfer 'advisors' revealed by Back of the Net's John Foster...

West Ham’s transfer policy has come under scrutiny as it was revealed that David Gold’s 11-year-old son Brandon has been acting as the club’s chief scout for the past six months.

Brandon Gold publicly called on his father to finalise a deal for Joe Cole, and confirmed that he was interested in bringing Nicolas Anelka to East London, announcing on Twitter that the French star was “cheap, available, and still deadly on FIFA.”

However, Gold also criticised the club’s loan of Marouane Chamakh, fuelling speculation that that deal was arranged by Karren Brady’s 12-year-old nephew Dominic, Gold’s boardroom arch-rival.

“Gutted about Chamakh,” the young, burgundy-blazered executive told his 18,000 Twitter followers, “But at least I’m not Dominic. Dominic smells of wee.”

"Spongebob, I'm hoping you can help us soak up pressure in midfield..."

However, Brandon is facing vocal opposition from his 6-year-old sister Olivia, who has gained allies in the Upton Park boardroom after masterminding the summer signing of Andy Carroll, defying critics who claimed she thought the striker was a My Little Pony.

Olivia Gold is believed to be firmly against the Anelka transfer, preferring that the Irons move for the highly-regarded American superhero Batman.

“Batman offers strength, agility, and most of all, star power,” a spokesman for the infant told FourFourTwo. “If we’re serious about establishing West Ham as a Premier League force, this is the type of signing we should be pursuing.

“Batman looks like a bat,” added the younger Gold. “Also he fights baddies. I like Batman.” Should Batman prove unrealistic, Olivia has drawn up an alternative list of transfer targets, including Spider-Man, SpongeBob SquarePants, one or more of the Alien Surf Girls, and Stephen Warnock.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Mark Lawrenson spotted buying discounted Christmas crackers

Back of the Net — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 12:02:00 GMT

The Match of the Day pundit has been doing research, of sorts...Back of the Net's John Foster has the details...

Tiresome BBC pundit Mark Lawrenson has been spotted buying up large quantities of unsold Christmas crackers at a Sainsbury’s in Amersham, sources reported yesterday, presumably to replenish his supply of jokes for 2013.

Lawrenson, who despite being paid to appear on television always looks like he’s just brushed his hair with a hedgehog, is understood to have taken advantage of the supermarket’s 80% reduction on many Christmas items, including their range of own-brand crackers.

And this is not the first year that Lawrenson has swooped for festive bargains, according to his BBC colleague Mike Ingham.

“For Christmas, he gave all the Five Live team these little plastic toys that clearly came out of last year’s crackers,” said Ingham. “Except for Alan Green, who got a paper hat with a rude word written on it. But it’s obvious that the main appeal of the crackers for Lawro is their jokes.”

Yes, this is a terrible Photoshop, but we aren't going to apologise

Ingham, who did not wish to be named, exclusively revealed to FourFourTwo the process by which Lawrenson inserts Christmas cracker jokes into his match commentaries.

Ingham: “Some of them he’ll just use straight up during games. During QPR-West Brom last year, I asked [Lawrenson] something about Heidur Helguson, and he replied by asking me what the difference was between swine flu and bird flu, and came out with some rubbish about ‘tweet-ment’ and ‘oink-ment’, and I wanted to kill him.

“I know he got that from a Christmas cracker. It can’t have been a Penguin bar; the BBC staff canteen stopped stocking them in 2007 when they noticed Lawro’s jokes had all become puns about fish.”

But, continued Ingham, the Christmas-themed jokes are not the worst of it.

“He takes the Christmas ones and mixes up the questions and responses, so you get things like ‘Why does Santa have three gardens? A mince spy.’ And then he looks really pleased with himself and chuckles through his nose for the rest of the game. I never thought I’d say this, but it makes me long for Alan Shearer.”

Meanwhile, Shearer has been seen buying a heavily-reduced hardback copy of “Alan Shearer’s Big Book Of Football Facts” at a WHSmiths in Gateshead, a look of troubled determination reportedly etched on his massive face.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Grumpy Villas-Boas takes negatives from Tottenham performance

Back of the Net — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 11:11:00 GMT

The Spurs boss is far from full of festive cheer, reports Back of the Net's John Foster...

A gloomy-looking André Villas-Boas has refused to discuss the positive aspects of Tottenham’s result against Aston Villa, preferring instead to focus on the downsides of his side’s 4-0 win.

Four second-half strikes including a wonderful hat trick from Gareth Bale saw Spurs romp home to climb back into fourth place, but victorious manager Villas-Boas, wearing a shabby, stained overcoat and sporting a thick beard, refused to engage with questions about his side’s superlative display.

“I know you [journalists] will want to talk about Gareth Bale’s hat-trick,” the ex-Chelsea boss said after the game. “But I wish you’d focus on the negatives for once. If Marc Albrighton hadn’t wasted his chance in stoppage time, we’d be looking at 4-1, and that’s a very different picture.”

“Okay, the second half was good, but did you see the first? What a pathetic advert for the Premier League that was,” he continued. “Sandro was off the pace, Naughton looked like he wasn’t trying, and Bale didn’t even score once.”

“If we keep that up, and stop storing goals, and make a lot of other mistakes, and have an epidemic of injuries, then there’s no way we’re finishing in the top half.”

Villas-Boas went on to bemoan the Birmingham weather and the hardness of the Villa Park dugout, before turning his ire on Christmas, which he called “a miserable orgy of materialism, false jollity and familial loathing.”

Seasoned Portuguese football-watchers observed that this behavior is par for the course for Villas-Boas.

“It’s the time of year. André hates Christmas,” explained Lisbon-based journalist Paulo Gualtério. “He was notorious back in Porto for going on and on about how much he disliked sprouts and turkey and presents. If you gave him a really good glass of port, he’d find something disparaging to say about its mouthfeel and criticize your cheese.”

When informed that Aston Villa manager Paul Lambert had been effusive in his praise for Spurs’ attacking pair of Jermain Defoe and Emmanuel Adebayor, Villas-Boas rolled his eyes.

“You want to talk about Defoe? He was off the pace all game. Adebayor? Stupid hair. And Bale? If he’s so good, how come that’s only his second career hat-trick? We were lucky, and also, everyone you love will die one day.”

Asked for his view on puppies, Villas-Boas commented that they fart a lot, and concluded the press conference with a ten-minute long screed about the carcinogenic properties of chocolate.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Sturridge's Liverpool move held up by fact ‘squillion’ not an actual number

Back of the Net — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 14:53:00 GMT

The England forward may have to alter his demands, reports Back of the Net's John Foster...

Negotiations to take Daniel Sturridge to Liverpool have hit a snag after the young Chelsea forward was told that the move cannot proceed unless his wage demands correspond to real numbers.

Sturridge is said to be keen on a move north to restart his stalling career, after falling down the pecking order at Stamford Bridge. Both Roberto Di Matteo and Rafael Benitez have tended to overlook the England international, preferring to pick Eden Hazard, Victor Moses, Oscar, and a glove puppet of Fernando Torres.

However, Sturridge’s Anfield dream hinges on whether the club will bow to his demands to stump up “a squillion pounds a week” in wages.

“I see a squillion as a starting point,” Sturridge told journalists earlier this week. “We may end up looking at a katrillion, or even a gajillion. But I’m not going any lower than a zillion.”

Not even a ride-pillion could tempt Sturridge...

Liverpool meanwhile insist that these figures are “literally impossible,” and that it had been a principle of the club to deal only with actually existing numbers ever since the departure of Tom Hicks and George Gillett.

“This could open the door to financial chaos,” warned Liverpool owner John W Henry. “If we agree to pay Daniel Sturridge a squillion, we’re going to be in a difficult position when Luis Suarez knocks on my door and asks to be paid in Flanian Pobble Beads.”

Other details still to be ironed out include Sturridge’s demands for an appearance bonus, a non-appearance bonus, a stand to be named after him, and a robot butler made of gold, “like the one John Terry has.”

Should the move break down irreparably, Werner has promised that the club will pursue alternative targets, pledging that the January transfer window will see the purchase of “umpteen new players”.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Brighton inadvertently sign former England keeper Chris Woods

Back of the Net — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 11:40:00 GMT

Seagulls stupidly sign seasoned shot-stopper, so says Sack...errrm...Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

Brighton boss Gus Poyet has admitted his ‘crushing disappointment’ at completing the signature of 53-year-old former goalkeeper Chris Woods, despite the newcomer’s jubilant presentation to the press yesterday.

The Seagulls’ boss had been hinting at a permanent move for New Zealand striker Chris Wood, who scored two goals in a 2-2 draw with Millwall last night while on loan from West Brom.

But to Poyet’s horror, he appears to have instead snapped up ex-England nearly man and affable former custodian Chris Woods, nearly 14 years after his retirement from the game.

“I can’t deny it’s a bitter, crushing blow for me,” Poyet told FourFourTwo, tactically avoiding Woods’ gaze at a press conference to mark the new man’s accidental unveiling.

“I had been dreaming of adding a gifted goal-getter to my overachieving Championship squad, but instead I have, errr, given a second youth to a charming yet hapless face from the past.”

Apparently unfazed by Poyet then describing the ‘wave of nausea’ that accompanied his arrival in Brighton, or the ‘deluded, simple grin’ on his ‘wrinkled yet handsome face’, Woods then spoke of his delight at getting the call from Brighton.

“Obviously you start to think that your career is over,” Woods beamed. “But that’s life for a ‘keeper, you have to expect the odd tough decade.”

The ex-Sheffield Wednesday man then stressed his belief that an England recall is imminent, spending several minutes revelling in the retirement of Peter Shilton who he labelled a ‘flash in the pan’.

Woods spent much of his career in Shilton’s shadow, figuratively as Shilton’s reserve at Nottingham Forest and for England, and literally as Woods famously walked just a little slower than Shilton, leading him to suffer intermittently from bouts of rickets.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Nobody wins QPR ping-pong tournament

Back of the Net — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 13:59:00 GMT

Hopeless Hoops can't even beat each other at table-tennis, says Back of the Net's John Foster...

A Queens Park Rangers inter-squad table tennis tournament has ended without a winner, as every single member of the first team somehow managed to lose all their matches, despite playing against one another.

Manager Harry Redknapp admitted that the competition, intended as a morale-booster to lift spirits around Loftus Road, may not have had the desired effect, as 31 QPR players recorded a series of losses to end the tournament in joint-last place.

“It’s not what we were hoping for, to be honest,” Redknapp told reporters. “I thought it would do the lads good to remember what it felt like to win, but I have no idea how it turned out like this.

“I thought it was strange when nobody won the coin toss. Then when Djibril [Cissé] went 5-0 up against Anton [Ferdinand], I thought he was going to close it out, but a few wayward serves and suddenly he’s staring defeat in the face.

“I thought Anton might take advantage, but he’s switched off completely and the chance is gone.

“Nobody deserved the victory, to be honest, but it’s still a bit of a surprise that literally no-one actually managed to win the game, or for that matter any of the games.”

In a further blow to the Hoops' chances of avoiding the drop, Alejandro Faurlín aggravated a knee injury while stretching to reach Shaun Wright-Phillips’ sliced shot, and will be sidelined for up to six weeks. Faurlín was forced to forfeit the the match, but Wright-Phillips found himself unable to take advantage, and succumbed to a dispiriting defeat.

Redknapp praised the effort of Jamie Mackie and Adel Taraabt, who he said showed a great deal of effort in their series of losses, and singled out Ryan Nelsen for particular praise, calling him “the only player who maybe deserved a draw.”

The debacle recalls the infamous Derby County poker tournament of 2008, which saw no player draw a ranking hand in over 29 hours of play, and which ended with Steve Howard shooting Robbie Savage at point-blank range, wounding him in the hair.

“It’s not the result we wanted, but we’re not going to dwell on all the defeats,” said club chairman Tony Fernandes. “Maybe in January we can bring in some new faces who know how to win, or at least who have a decent high score in Angry Birds.

“Still, on the plus side, the suspension of mathematical logic will give us the motivation to keep going long after we’re relegated.”

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Giggs causes concern with ageing legs, tendency to invoke ‘Fair Catch’ rule

Back of the Net — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:10:00 GMT

The Manchester United veteran is keeping it old school, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has admitted that Ryan Giggs’ career may be winding down after the ageing midfielder marred today’s training session by repeatedly claiming a ‘Fair Catch’.

Undoubtedly one of the greats of his generation, Giggs has played nearly 650 games for Manchester United and won everything there is to win in the club game.

Giggs silenced talk of retirement in the summer, believing his body could withstand the challenges of another Premier League season, but he has become something of a fringe player this term

Physically, Giggs looks to have lost some of his sharpness, but more worrying is his recent tendency to call a ‘Fair Catch’ in training – a rule that was repealed nearly 150 years ago.

“Ryan has been a fantastic servant to this club and I think he can still be a useful asset for us, but this could be his final season,” Sir Alex Ferguson told FourFourTwo.

“Obviously it’s a worry to see him going up to catch high balls with his hands and expecting to be allowed to take a ‘mark’ from 15 yards in front of the goal.

“I don’t know a single referee that’s going to be brave enough to give that in the Premier League.”

A confused Giggs, who turned up to training in a plain red shirt with a laced collar, flannel trousers and a cap, spent the second half of today’s session in an armchair where he was heard to speculate aloud on United’s chances of ‘giving those Blackheath boys what for.’

Blackheath Football Club have been a rugby team since they opted to leave the Football Association in 1870 – the same year that the official laws of association football were modified to outlaw the common practise of shooting a goalkeeper with a musket at corners.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Everybody to host Euro 2020, UEFA warn general public

Back of the Net — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 15:37:00 GMT

UEFA weren't kidding when they said they were taking the Euros to Europe, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Anyone living in Europe may be expected to host a game at the 2020 European Championships, UEFA president Michel Platini has warned.

In a revolutionary change to the format of the tournament, no single host has been chosen, instead UEFA have stressed that games will be played ‘anywhere and everywhere’.

In his declaration yesterday, Platini urged Europeans that where possible they should make their gardens as playable as possible, designate two rooms of their house as ‘home’ and ‘away’ dressing rooms and create a ‘plush Wi-Fi enabled mixed zone’ in case a game should break out on their property.

“We are bringing this European Championship to fans across the continent,” Platini told FourFourTwo.

“This is no platitude, I mean this quite literally. You should be warned that there is every chance that Greece and Denmark will turn up on your doorstep at some point in June 2020.”

Spain could be coming to your back garden - so shift that dog muck...

From 2016, the European Championships will be expanded from 16 to 24 teams, adding to the need for venues, despite criticism from some pundits who have pointed out that there are fewer than 24 nations in Europe.

Germany has volunteered to break into West and East to help UEFA, but the proposal has met with a mixed reception domestically.

“My aim is for the European Championship to be a lengthy dislocated sequence of contests at baffling times without any cohesive identity,” Platini continued.

“It’s my vision that football fans will spend most of 2020 with the nagging feeling that Poland are probably playing the Czech Republic and the genuine fear that they could return home to find Giovanni Trapattoni hammering on their door.”

Reports suggest that Africa will table a bid for the 2024 European Championship as regulations state that no nation can host two consecutive tournaments.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Manchester United confirm Nemanja Vidic ready for new injury

Back of the Net — Thu, 06 Dec 2012 11:32:00 GMT

The burly Serb is set for another spell in the physio room, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

Manchester United have confirmed that club captain Nemanja Vidic, having shaken off a persistent knee problem, is fighting fit and ready for a return to the treatment table.

Vidic underwent a operation on his right knee in September after sustaining a knock in his side’s 1-0 win over Galatasaray. He had been set to return early last month, but chose instead to suffer an unexpected setback, telling journalists that he felt he had “unfinished business” with the knee.

“It’s important to concentrate on one thing at a time,” the 31-year-old Serb told FourFourTwo. “Why bother dislocating your shoulder if you can’t put any weight on your left foot? I have a personalised injury programme that means I’m never more than two weeks from full fitness, and never less than two weeks either.”

"Hello, me again..."

“It is my quest to truly know every sinew of myself,” he continued. “My body is a temple, a palace, and it is my duty to explore its perfumed halls, to study its wonders as though they were treasures of porcelain and filigree, and to smash them into tiny pieces.”

Vidic is understood to have targeted the left groin muscle for his next injury, though other body parts have been mentioned too, notably his right ankle and his coccyx.

“Nemanja’s had a fairly trouble-free coccyx to date, so it makes sense to give it a closer look,” said Manchester United chief physio Rob Swire. “Many players don’t even think about their coccyx, but Nemanja takes his injuries seriously. When he breaks something, which he does a lot, it’s a clean break, which makes my job that much easier.”

Vidic confirmed that he plans to return for the FA Cup third round tie against West Ham, when he hopes to strain a face muscle in the warm-up while snarling.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Real Madrid to leave Jose Mourinho at end of the season

Back of the Net — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 10:58:00 GMT

The Special One is ready to dismiss the nine-times European champions, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

Real Madrid are set to leave José Mourinho in the summer, according to reports from Portugal, as pressure grows on the Spanish club to take responsibility for Mourinho’s poor start to the season.

Mourinho finds himself 11 points behind longtime rivals Barcelona, an unacceptable position for the defending La Liga champion. In recent weeks, speculation has mounted that Mourinho’s patience with Real may be exhausted, despite him recently offering the club a contract extension.

“Real Madrid may have taken José as far as they can,” a source close to the Portuguese coach told FourFourTwo. “No club is bigger than the man, and José Mourinho is evidently the man.”

Mourinho has proved himself a ruthless operator in the past, dispensing with the services of Porto and Inter when they could no longer satisfy his demands, and famously sacking Chelsea for insubordination in 2007.

"Right, you lot, clear your desks..."

But should he force Cristiano Ronaldo, Iker Casillas and company to pack their bags, he is likely to find no shortage of applicants for the job of managee. Many Chelsea fans would love to see their club back at José Mourinho, and Manchester City are also thought to be on the 49-year old’s radar.

“It’s obviously flattering to be linked with the Special One,” said a Man City spokesman. “We’re not going to comment on idle gossip, but everyone knows it would be a dream to be a part of his project.”

Bookmakers have made City the favourites to take the Mourinho hotseat, as it remains unclear whether Chelsea would be granted permission to take the role by John Terry.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Couple lose adoptive children ‘for being West Ham fans’

Back of the Net — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 13:17:00 GMT

More controversy in East London. Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

Outrage has greeted reports that a couple in East London have had their three adoptive children taken from them by the local council on the grounds that their support for West Ham United meant that they were “not fit to be foster parents.”

Newham Council say they were forced to act after receiving a tip-off from a member of the public who allegedly overheard the couple singing “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” in front of the children.

In a statement, a council spokesman said that the children, who are thought to be from a Levski Sofia-supporting background, were removed from the parents’ care due to concerns about the “outdated mindset” associated with West Ham.

“English society and English football have made great strides since the 1980s,” the spokesman said, “but if we gave our approval to people associated with West Ham knowing full well what goes on at Upton Park, then we would be failing in our duty of care to these vulnerable children.”

But the decision has been met with an outcry, with various figures condemning the council’s position.

Some other West Ham fans, ages ago

“They made us feel like criminals,” said the foster carer, who does not want to be named. “Being a West Ham supporter doesn’t make you a bigot. We were planning to raise the kids in their own traditions too. We’d bought them Carlton Cole shirts, but they also had posters of Georgi Asparuhov and the rest of the great 1964/65 Levski side. We were even teaching them all the Levski club songs. Not the racist ones,” she quickly added.

But figures inside Newham Council have told FourFourTwo that the decision has nothing to do with the antisemitic chanting by a minority of West Ham fans against Tottenham last weekend.

“Nobody thinks that being a West Ham fan means you’re a racist,” said a senior council member. “But the type of football you see at Upton Park – I’m talking high balls to Andy Carroll, Kevin Nolan kicking anything that moves, James ‘Elbows’ Collins – surely any right-thinking person can see that raising a child in this sort of environment is damaging to their development as football fans, and as human beings.”

It was suggested yesterday that Newham follow the example of Staffordshire County Council, which has arranged for a great number of large, aggressive children to be fostered from a young age by Stoke City, at a purpose-built, heavily-guarded area known as The Compound.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Mark Hughes sacked and sacked again

Back of the Net — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 15:42:00 GMT

The blame-shifting Welshman has had a bad day at the office, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Queens Park Rangers have confirmed that they have dismissed Mark Hughes from his current position at Loftus Road and his next job at Southampton after a poor run of form.

QPR chairman Tony Fernandes had surprised many with his unwavering support for Hughes, rejecting claims that Hughes had failed to gel his summer signings, denying that Hughes’ tactics were limited and negative and staunchly maintaining that Hughes ‘still had some dark hairs' despite clear evidence to the contrary.

After narrowly avoiding the drop last season, Hughes’ side have picked up just four points from their opening 12 games – having consistently amassed a third of a point in every game taking advantage of an antiquated FA statute that rewards ‘shirt hoopage’.

Fernandes finally lost patience with Hughes after last weekend’s 3-1 defeat to relegated Southampton, confirming that he has decided to sack Hughes not just once but twice.

“Queens Park Rangers Football Club would like to thank Mark Hughes for all his hard work,” a statement on the club’s website reads.

“However, the board feel that a change in direction is necessary at this stage. It is with regret that we have parted company with Mark now and retroactively as of January 2012. We wish Mark all the best in his position after next.”

The decision leaves Hughes without a club and already fired from his next job, an unsuccessful spell at Southampton due to start in March 2013.

While the decision seems harsh, Hughes has got off relatively lightly compared to Stefano Colantuono, who was famously sacked 19 times by tempestuous Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini. He was later reinstated 11 times, but currently remains five sackings short of a club.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Giovinco booked for head-removing celebration during Juve win

Back of the Net — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 16:00:00 GMT

The pint-sized Juventus schemer is in hot water after a controversial celebration, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports

Juventus forward Sebastian Giovinco yesterday became the first player to be booked for removing his head in contravention of FIFA’s Law 12.1 regarding a player’s proper anatomy while on the field of play.

Giovinco’s rush of blood to, and subsequently from, the head was the only disappointing note in a great evening for Juventus, as the Italian champions’ 3-0 victory over Chelsea leaves them needing just a point against Shakhtar Donetsk to qualify for the knockout stage.

They will have to do so without ‘Atomic Ant’ Giovinco, however, who was booked for his reckless head-removing gesture and will be miss one match through suspension, and possibly more if the club doctors fail to reattach his head in time.

The boy's losing his head, etc

Giovinco had just scored Juventus’ third goal when he ran to the stands and exultantly peeled off his the skin around his neck and cranium, plucking his head clean from his shoulders and flinging it into the crowd, where appalled Juventus fans desperately tried to avoid being struck by fragments of bone.

"If we can find Sebastian’s head in the next 48 hours, then he should be fine," Juventus caretaker boss Angelo Alessio told Italy’s leading sports newspaper, Il Fondo Della Rete. "If not, then we’ll have to replace it by grafting Simone Padoin’s head onto Sebastian’s body. It’s a blow for Simone, but I’m just delighted we’ve finally found a use for him."

Erstwhile truck tactician Andy Townsend, commentating for ITV, gave his own opinion. "It’s embarrassing to watch a striker stagger around blindly, miles from any teammate, like he doesn’t know where the goal is," he said. "But enough about Chelsea..."

DID YOU KNOW? On this day in 1999, former Juventus hero Paolo Montero was given a red card and a four-match ban for removing an opponent’s head.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Last gasp Ibrahimovic shot ‘definitely worth four goals’

Back of the Net — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 10:38:00 GMT

The PSG forward turned Wednesday evening's friendly in Stockholm on its head, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports

Sweden recorded a sensational last-minute victory over England on Wednesday night thanks to a jaw-dropping overhead kick from Zlatan Ibrahimovic, a goal so astonishing that everyone present immediately agreed it should be worth four goals.

Until Ibrahimovic’s late intervention, Roy Hodgson’s men had been cruising to a comfortable victory. Joe Hart, the picture of quiet self-assurance, had been totally untroubled between the posts, and Steven Caulker’s 38th-minute goal had put England 2-0 up, his debut strike counting double like all away goals always do.

But in the fourth minute of stoppage time, the previously subdued Ibrahimovic turned the match on its head with his improbable piece of skill, giving the referee no option but to signal four goals, which comfortably won the match for Sweden.

This is how football works now - do not question it

“I’ve got no complaints,” Hodgson told FourFourTwo after the game. “As soon as he hit it, I knew the game was over. As everyone knows, the fact that it was from 40 yards counts for 1.5 goals, the fact it was an overhead kick counts for 1.7, and the fact he did it in stoppage time is worth a bonus 0.6.

“He loses 0.2 for the tattoo, in my books, but I certainly can’t blame the ref for rounding it up to an even four.”

It was sweet revenge for Sweden, who were eliminated from Euro 2012 by England after Theo Walcott’s thunderous volley was controversially declared to be worth 1.5 goals.

But England too have suffered their share of goal-revaluing bad luck. They failed to reach Euro 2008 by the narrowest of margins after a Darren Bent tap-in against Croatia was only considered four-fifths of a goal.

And four years later at Euro 2012, England were eliminated on penalties by Italy, despite being ahead in the shootout, after referee Pedro Proenca decided that Andrea Pirlo’s masterly dink deserved to win the match all by itself.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Warnock kicking every ball, frustrated Leeds players complain

Back of the Net — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 17:25:00 GMT

The much-loved Leeds United manager has really put his foot in it this time, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports

Leeds United midfielder Michael Tonge has admitted that his fellow players are growing tired of manager Neil Warnock’s hands-on approach.

Leeds were drubbed 6-1 by Watford last weekend and have dropped to 17th in the table, despite the best efforts of pugnacious tactician Warnock.

While the Sheffield-born boss’ infectious enthusiasm for the game has been key to his success at other clubs, it seems to be hindering his current players.

“There can be no doubting the gaffer’s [Neil Warnock’s] passion,” Leeds’ scorer Tonge told FourFourTwo in a post-match press conference.

“He’s quite literally kicking every ball out there. But that’s starting to slightly rile some of us more experienced players.

"It's alright, Luke, I've got this one!"

“Sometimes it’s great to see Neil hoof a dangerous ball clear, but against Watford a couple of inviting balls dropped for our strikers only to see the gaffer [Warnock] take too many touches, have his shot blocked or break down into a wheezing fit.”

Throughout his managerial career, Warnock has slowly edged towards the playing surface, but it’s only recently that he openly started chasing the ball and taking occasional wayward shots at goal while barking incomprehensible Yorkshire threats at opponents, teammates and officials alike.

“I have to admit it’s quite frustrating when we’ve got a well-placed free-kick and while we’re still discussing who should take it, the gaffer [Warnock] has stepped up and clipped a feeble, toe-poke into the wall,” Sam Byram explained.

“The odd thing is that in training he doesn’t get involved at all on the playing side. He prefers to sit in a deckchair and eat a full roast dinner with all the trimmings. If he shouts anything at all it’ll be to do with gravy.”

Renowned as a feisty character, Warnock has been embroiled in public spats with Gerard Houllier, Stan Ternent, Mick Jones, Joe Kinnear, Kevin Blackwell, three members of Los Lobos, Nigel Worthington, Wally Downes, Gareth Southgate, Gus Poyet, Lord Triesman, Graham Poll, David Elleray, Richard Beeby, the Catholic Church and most acrimoniously with Neil Warnock.

Warnock is expected to make several changes for Leeds’ trip to Millwall, but is likely to field an unchanged Warnock.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Unlikely Celtic win reminds world how close it came to Romney presidency

Back of the Net — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 16:37:00 GMT

Back of the Net's John Foster reports on two very unlikely things, only one of which happened...

As the euphoria surrounding Celtic’s against-all-odds triumph over Barcelona begins to fade, observers are waking up to the sobering reality that a win for Neil Lennon’s side was far less likely than Mitt Romney becoming the new president of the United States.

Celtic were quoted at 10/1 to upset the Catalan juggernaut, significantly longer odds than the 4/1 widely available on a Republican presidential victory, a fact pundits on both sides of the Atlantic have described as “disturbing.”

“When you consider their own limitations and lack of flair, and their opponents’ vastly superior ground game, you could have forgiven both Celtic and the Republican Party for throwing in the towel straight away,” commentator Ezra Klein told FourFourTwo.

“I knew there was a possibility Romney would do it. I just never realized that that possibility might become reality until I heard the score from Parkhead,” Klein continued. “Celtic fans now know that dreams can come true, but we should all remember that nightmares are statistically just as likely.”

Mathematicians and psephologists who successfully predicted an Obama win admitted that the possibility of a Celtic victory a day later had barely crossed their minds.

“Based on an analysis of the available polls, our model indicated that Mitt Romney had approximately a 9% chance of winning the election,” said Nate Silver of the New York Times.

“But the same polls told us that the chances of a Celtic victory were about the same as Andres Iniesta getting hit by a meteorite, which coincidentally was also the likeliest path to a Celtic victory.”

Celtic manager Neil Lennon took time out from praising his side’s tenacity to digest the news that Barcelona’s road to glory should have been much more straightforward than President Obama’s.

“If we live in a universe where a side containing Kelvin Wilson and Georgios Samaras can beat one containing Leo Messi and Xavi Hernandez,” Lennon said, “Then we also live in a universe where Mitt Romney could have become the most powerful man on the planet, and that’s a sobering thought.”

Lennon added that he had been looking forward to progressing in the competition, until he learned that Celtic’s chances of winning the Champions League were roughly the same as Donald Trump being elected President in 2016.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Chaos reigns as cryptic referee forces players to guess his decisions

Back of the Net — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 13:22:00 GMT

A non-league referee has left two Conference sides with good cause to question his decisions, reports Back of the Net's John Foster...

Tuesday night’s Conference National clash between Southport and Wrexham descended into chaos after referee Seb Stockbridge stopped telling players his decisions, requiring them instead to guess why he had blown his whistle.

“It wasn’t easy out there,” admitted Wrexham captain Dean Keates, in the wake of his side’s hard-fought 4-1 victory. “The ref would whistle, and then he’d just stand there with his hands behind his back while we tried to work out what he wanted.”

“Eventually someone would say something like ‘encroachment at a throw-in’ and he’d nod curtly and the game would continue.”

“I don’t know if he was bored, or shy, or just quite aloof,” Keates continued. “But what I do know is, just when we’d started getting the hang of it, he started awarding corners for correct guesses, which made everything much harder.”

"Goal kick? Penalty? Match abandoned due to ref getting trapped in invisible box?"

Southport striker Darren Stephenson told FourFourTwo that the referee’s assistants proved no help whatsoever.

“He [Stockbridge] made it clear before the game that one linesman always told the truth and the other always lied, but he didn’t tell us which,” reported Stephenson. “By the time I thought to ask one of them ‘would the other linesman flag if their fullback was clearly playing me on?’ the game was over as a contest.”

Southport will point to the departure of Godfrey Poku, who left the field in the 54th minute wrongly convinced he’d been sent off, as the turning point.

“We complained to the fourth official,” said Stephenson, “But he spoke only in riddles and ambiguities and answered every question with another question, which isn’t what you want at this level.”

Stephenson also pointed out that this was not the first time a controversial decision has gone against Southport. Last week the Merseyside outfit were forced to battle back from two goals down at home to Hereford after the officials decided that away goals would literally count double shortly after the Bulls went 1-0 ahead.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Berg impresses Blackburn with lack of revulsion at club

Back of the Net — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 16:57:00 GMT

Rovers have finally found a manager who won't run away screaming, reports Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

Blackburn Rovers have released a statement announcing the appointment of Henning Berg as manager and praising the new man for his "apparent lack of disgust" at the current state of the club.

It took the Championship club’s owners Venky’s just over a month to find a replacement for Steve Kean, who resigned on September 28th.

A host of top names, former players and normal people had publicly removed themselves from the frame in recent weeks, prompting the club to take the rare step of advertising the job in the match-day programme.

With an atmosphere of apprehension building in the region, many Blackburn residents took the precaution of hiring football agents to ensure that they didn’t accidentally accept the post.

Berg was chosen after Blackburn had interviewed nine candidates for the position, eight of whom turned out to be Steve Kean.

Berg fights bravely against his gag reflex

“Henning [Berg] impressed us tremendously,” Blackburn’s global advisor Shebby Singh told FourFourTwo.

“He spoke very eloquently about wanting to be Blackburn manager and only occasionally had to break off to mumble under his breath about what a sorry state of affairs this historic club has become and how we all ought to be ashamed of ourselves.

“He didn’t even grimace when I was introduced to him as Blackburn’s ‘global advisor’ – and even I can see how repugnant it is for a football club to employ someone with that job title.

“That almost complete lack of revulsion at the imbecilic way the club is run from afar by aloof chicken magnates for no discernible reason proved very attractive.

“Plus, he looks a bit like Steve Kean from a distance, so we thought we could have some fun with that.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Newcastle's Tiote dismissed for late challenge at airport

Back of the Net — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 11:08:00 GMT

The Toon battler has been sent for a rather late early bath, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Newcastle United boss Alan Pardew has admitted his disappointment at discovering that tenacious midfielder Cheick Tiote was sent off during the night.

Tiote has come under fire for his physical approach to the game, which has seen him booked 29 times in his last 59 matches and claimed scores of lives.

However, the Ivorian stayed out of trouble in a 1-0 Europa League win over Club Bruges on Thursday evening, making up for his early dismissal against Sunderland last weekend.

All seemed well in the Newcastle camp, until manager Pardew received a call at 2am.

“The voice at the end of the line told me that Cheick had been sent off,” Pardew told FourFourTwo.

“Apparently he’s put in a late challenge on Vadis Odjijda-Ofoe by the luggage carousel at Ostend-Bruges Airport. I’ve seen the replay and to be fair the ball is gone by nearly five hours.

“But I can’t help but think the other lad’s made rather a lot of it. If you can’t run into the back of a yawning opponent with a luggage cart then I worry that the physical side of the game is disappearing.”

Tiote will miss Newcastle’s next three Premier League games against West Brom, Liverpool and West Ham before returning against Swansea where he has already been booked.

“I didn’t see the incident,” Pardew shrugged. “The referee’s told me that Tiote’s upended Leon Britton’s shopping trolley in Lidl. In my opinion that’s a real Waitrose yellow, I don’t know how the ref thinks anyone gets home from Lidl with a packet of German chocolate biscuits.”

FourFourTwo attempted to interview Tiote but he declined to comment, instead issuing a firm elbow to the ribs.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Raheem Sterling asked to stop muttering own commentary during matches

Back of the Net — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 09:26:00 GMT

The Anfield starlet has been warned against providing his own audio analysis of Reds matches, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports...

Liverpool’s Raheem Sterling has been asked to stop commentating aloud on his own performance during matches, after the Reds’ 1-0 win against Reading was tarnished by a constant excitable monologue from the young winger.

Teammates and opponents told FourFourTwo that Sterling, who is enjoying a fine debut season in the Liverpool first team, was overheard talking to himself during the pre-match handshakes.

“He was saying how it was a lovely day for football, how the crowd were in fine voice, and something about how the proud guardians of fortress Anfield would be expecting a performance from their heroes this afternoon,” reported Reading midfielder Jem Karacan.

“Then he asked who would be the players to watch, before answering in a gruff Scottish voice that Raheem Sterling would be a constant danger.”

Liverpool dominated the early stages, and should have taken the lead on 26 minutes when Sterling cut the ball back for Nuri Sahin, who blazed his shot high over the bar.

“And Sahin wastes the chance! Terrible by Sahin,” the teenager reportedly said, fixing his teammate with a glare. “You’ll have to say, he’s let his teammates down there, badly,” he added, raising his voice as Sahin turned and jogged back towards his own half.

Just two minutes later, however, Liverpool took the lead as Luis Suarez played in Sterling, who took a touch to control the ball while yelling “Sterling could be through here”, before firing it past Alex McCarthy and shouting “GOAL! Sterling breaks the deadlock brilliantly for Liverpool!”

“I was coming over to congratulate Raheem when I heard him saying something,” said Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard. “I think it was ‘And that’s a fantastic finish from the youngster; the hapless McCarthy had no chance.’

“I told him well played, and he put on this weird Scottish accent and said ‘Move over Steven Gerrard, the Kop has a new hero,’ which I thought was a bit odd.”

Sterling was removed from the action in the 83rd minute, applauding the crowd while remarking “And Sterling gets a well-deserved standing ovation from the Liverpool faithful. He’s single-handedly won the game for his side today.”

Manager Brendan Rodgers praised Sterling’s contribution, but criticised his tendency to provide a constant commentary on himself during the post-match press conference.

“In today’s game, young players can easily find themselves falling prey to certain temptations, such as conducting sympathetic interviews with imaginary broadsheet journalists, giving themselves marks out of ten for completing basic household tasks, and commentating incessantly on their own performances while on the field”, Rodgers said.

“Raheem’s role is to offer the team width and penetration, and he should leave the oratorical bombast to the professionals, or it’ll get annoying. He needs to learn that there’s a reason Alan Green has no friends.”

Meanwhile Sterling, sitting alongside his manager, declared that he was happy to focus on his performance on the field. “It’s not for me to say whether I’ll become one of the immortals of the game, but I do think that both Lionel Messi and Tony Gubba should definitely be worried,” he told journalists, in response to a question from himself.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Chiles and team visibly tiring as they enter 15th hour of build-up

Back of the Net — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 09:46:00 GMT

Tuesday evening's wash-out in Warsaw has left ITV's cuddly nincompoop on the wane, reveals Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

Adrian Chiles and his ITV punditry team are beginning to struggle to fill the 20 hours of airtime caused by the postponement of England’s World Cup 2014 qualifier with Poland.

The game was scheduled to kick off at 8pm on Tuesday evening but the pitch was deemed waterlogged after Polish officials opted not to close the roof for fear it may ‘get a little stuffy’ inside the stadium.

The postponement was dire news for Chiles and his team of Roy Keane, Lee Dixon and Gareth Southgate, who had battled gamely to fill the half-hour before the scheduled start time with wafer-thin punditry and wry witticisms.

When it became clear that the game would not be played until Wednesday afternoon, Chiles adopted a haunted expression as he introduced a hastily cobbled together feature called ‘Pole And Bear’ in which Gabriel Clarke tracked down several Polish people who claimed to have once seen bears.

The feature was dogged by Clarke’s inability to speak Polish, his interviewees’ inability to speak more than a few phrases of basic English and nobody being sure how impressive it was to have seen a bear.

Inevitably the night shift took a heavy toll in the ITV studio. An increasingly outspoken Keane became fidgety in hour six of the coverage – an analysis of Michael Palin’s 1992 documentary travel series Pole to Pole – and began to mutter increasingly audible threats against the production team who refused to let him leave, the people of Poland and Palin.

But the team seem to have weathered the storm and just minutes prior to this report being published Chiles was still gamely battling on, posing a facile question to Southgate, who gave a measured, lengthy answer while brushing his teeth.

"I knew it was a mistake to get him in the studio" - Chiles on Keane

"We have every belief that the lads will make it to 4pm," an ITV spokesman said. "That said, we have now analysed every single facet of Polish life and we’re obviously worried that Adrian might become so wry that he hurts himself or others."

The postponement has also inconvenienced travelling fans and several of the Polish players, whose next round of domestic fixtures will now begin during the second half of the rescheduled game.

Arkadiusz Piech has already booked a taxi for the 65th minute to take him from the Polish bench to the Stadion Polonii across town where he will play for Ruch Chorzow against Polonia Warsaw.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Benayoun’s attempts to impress Allardyce result in general awkwardness

Back of the Net — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 13:32:00 GMT

The Israeli midfielder might be trying a little too hard, reveals Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

Out-of-favour West Ham midfielder Yossi Benayoun is determined to win over boss Sam Allardyce but reports suggest that the Israeli's early attempts to impress have caused widespread embarrassment.

Benayoun arrived on loan from Chelsea in the summer for his second spell with the Hammers, but has struggled for first-team football at Upton Park.

Rather than give up, the 32-year-old has resolved to endear himself to Allardyce – but according to a source in the West Ham camp, Benayoun’s methods have been misguided.

“Yossi’s determined to make Big Sam [Allardyce] notice him, but he’s not having a lot of success,” FourFourTwo’s insider explained.

“Last Thursday he turned up to training in a full tuxedo. He really looked the part but it proved completely impractical once the session got going. The manager didn’t make any mention of it at all but he did make a kind of ‘tut’ noise every time his top hat fell off.

“It was the same on Tuesday morning when Yossi’s showed off this trick where he can tell you the phone number of any name in the London phone book. Everyone was really impressed, but when he finally got to [Big Sam] Allardyce, the gaffer explained exactly how the trick is done and told everyone to get on with the warm-up.

“Yossi just looked so downcast after that, especially because he didn’t know there was a trick and had learned the entire phone book on Monday night.”

Despite resorting to more orthodox ways of impressing his manager, Benayoun still seems to be off target.

“Once again, today he spent most of training pulling off fancy flicks, inch-perfect through balls and visionary crosses, but you sure as hell don’t win over [Big] Sam [Allardyce] like that,” our source concluded.

Although West Ham are currently eighth in the table and there are 31 games remaining, the wily Allardyce has declared this weekend’s clash with Southampton a ‘six-pointer’, giving the Hammers a chance to move second in the table with a win.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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BotN: Two detained at Heathrow Airport on suspicion of plotting to incite diving

Back of the Net — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 09:46:00 GMT

The authorities have taken drastic action to finally clamp down on the real scourge of football (other than all the racism, corruption and stuff...), reveals Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

Two unnamed footballers have been arrested at London’s Heathrow Airport and face charges of plotting to incite diving in English football, the Metropolitan police have confirmed.

The two men were arrested late last night shortly after their flight touched down and were taken to a Central London police station to be questioned by the Counter Diving Unit.

Diving, long seen as an overseas phenomenon, has started to grow roots in the UK, with shocking pictures emerging of British players committing acts of diving in Premier League matches.

After the stunning revelation from former England star Michael Owen that he had taken part in low-level diving after being led astray by foreign influences, there is pressure on British authorities to prevent the problem escalating.

The Counter Diving Unit is known to be keeping a close eye on so-called ‘diving schools’ in the UK where young players watch videos of refereeing mistakes and read passages of Pavel Nedved’s autobiography ‘Well something definitely clipped my heel.’

“The World Cup qualification period is a challenging time,” foreign secretary William Hague told FourFourTwo.

“Obviously there will be lots of innocent footballers entering the country who have no intention whatsoever of even exaggerating contact let alone diving. But we have to remember that amongst those honest players will be one or two who wish to harm our game.”

San Marino players arriving to face England on Friday evening have already complained of invasive security screening procedures.

“I understand that there need to be [security measures],” midfielder Alex Gasparoni explained.

“But it really isn’t acceptable to have security officials backing into us, pushing us, grabbing our shirts and shouting ‘surely you want a free-kick for this you Dogana d*ckhead’ at us.

“The whole thing seems completely unnecessary, especially given that we have no intention of getting the ball on Friday evening anyway.”

Despite a vast bounty and football’s largest manhunt, the whereabouts of ideological diving figurehead Rivaldo remain unclear.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Sacked Coyle facing very real threat of going for that drink with Steve Kean

Back of the Net — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 14:50:00 GMT

The former Bolton boss may be screening his calls, reveals Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

Sources close to axed Bolton manager Owen Coyle believe the Scottish tactician will look to find a new employer as quickly as possible as the spectre of a Sunday afternoon pint with Steve Kean looms large.

Having been relegated last season, Coyle knew that there was little room for error in the Championship but a 2-1 defeat to Millwall last weekend left the Trotters languishing in 18th place and signalled the end of his tenure.

Coyle is now expected to join the group of unemployed managers who have set up a crude shanty town in Paul Jewell’s back garden and it seems that he may leave sooner rather than later.

“The C-Unit [Owen Coyle] is obviously devastated,” a source close to Coyle told FourFourTwo.

“Naturally he’s disappointed that he’s gone from FA Cup semi-finalist to the sack within such a short space of time and seen his chances of being considered for a mid-table Premier League job shrink considerably. But most of all he keeps going on about Steve Kean and how there’s no way he can avoid going for that drink with him now.”

It is believed that Coyle responded positively albeit vaguely to fellow Scot Kean’s suggestion that the two men should "go for a couple of jars" shortly after Kean’s dismissal back in September – a promise that has come back to haunt the teetotal Coyle.

“While the C-Dog [Owen Coyle] was still at Bolton he could keep putting it off by saying he had to plan training sessions, do a press conference or show his team some video nasties, but now he’s got no excuse,” Coyle’s friend continued.

“Every time the phone rings he’s terrified it’ll be Steve Kean with a semi-bawdy anecdote suggesting a time to meet at a dingy Lancashire pub.

“While the C-Section [Owen Coyle] wants to answer all his calls in the hope it’s a job, he keeps saying it’s not worth the risk. We can’t stress highly enough how little he, or indeed anyone, wants to grab a couple of beers with Steve Kean.”

While Coyle’s actions could be considered an overreaction, few can forget Tony Adams’ decision to accept a management position with Azerbaijani club Gabal in 2010 in order to avoid attending Nigel Winterburn’s fancy dress party.

BotN: Lambert spends press conference speaking in iambic pentameter

Back of the Net — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 10:24:00 GMT

The new Aston Villa manager is taking a more rhythmic approach to media matters, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Fans and journalists have been lining up to praise Paul Lambert after the Aston Villa boss successfully answered all questions put to him in his midweek press conference in iambic pentameter.

Lambert won plaudits at former club Norwich for his motivational skills, his commitment to attacking football, and his facility with challenging poetic forms. But the former Scotland midfielder is well aware that his project to reintroduce pace, flair, and sonnets to Villa Park faces a significant obstacle this weekend in the form of Tottenham Hotspur.

“I like what AVB has done at Spurs,” said Lambert, in response to questions about his opposite number. “They keep their shape, Defoe’s on fire, and Jan / Vertonghen looks a signing and a half.”

“The Lane is not an easy place to come,” he continued. “But football's eleven v eleven / And all our lads will fight for every ball. / I think that anyone who writes us off / Before a ball is kicked will eat their words.”

Journalists were keen to quiz Lambert over his alleged falling-out with star striker Darren Bent, after the England hitman was dropped for Villa’s last match against West Brom. But the 43-year old Lambert denied that his relationship with the player was strained.

"If you don't like that, I've got a good one about a man from Nantucket"

“It’s simple: every player wants to play / But I thought Benteke deserved a chance / to show what he could do against West Brom. / The kid did well, and I was also pleased / with Darren’s contribution from the bench.”

Sources inside the Aston Villa dressing room say that the playing staff are pleased at the new direction the club is taking under Lambert.

“If [former manager] Alex McLeish spoke in verse at all, it was in terse, half-rhyming couplets,” young winger Marc Albrighton told FourFourTwo.com. “But it never sounded natural. Some people tried to claim that he gave interviews in freeform blank verse, but the lads know poetry when they hear it, and McLeish just gave us rambling nonsense.”

“Paul Lambert gives us art.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: UEFA to sex-up Europa League with 'dramatic new storylines' & 'mental stunts'

Back of the Net — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 15:18:00 GMT

European football big-wigs have decided it's time to sex-up the Champions League's little brother, so to speak. Back of the Net's Paul Watson has the details...

A leaked UEFA document has outlined plans to improve the image of the Europa League by introducing a series of ‘dramatic new storylines’ and ‘mental stunts.’

The Europa League has struggled with its image since being re-branded in 2009, as clubs have often attached more importance to their domestic campaigns than the coveted title of '17th best team in Europe' famously inscribed on the oversized trophy.

In recent years various managers have rested key players, fairly important players and utility players for Europa League ties, instead opting to field an assortment of youth players, forgotten men and dangerous loners.

As a result, major TV channels have been less interested in acquiring rights often opting to protect their image by broadcasting Champions League previews or hardcore pornography instead.

Last season’s competition was overshadowed when winners Atletico Madrid forgot to stay for the trophy presentation after their 3-0 win over Athletic Bilbao and had to have the Coupe UEFA posted to the Estadio Vicente Calderon, where a surly caretaker refused to sign for it.

That's Diana Ross under the helmet, by the way...

Now UEFA are desperate to raise the profile of the competition that was once labelled ‘a punishment’ by former Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp and have taken some bold measures.

In a leaked document, UEFA have outlined plans to ‘inject energy’ into the Europa League by adding several high-profile guest teams as wild cards, including the Dutch 1974 World Cup team.

In the knock-out stages there will be no corners or throw-ins and any game level on aggregate will be decided by a game of musical chairs.

Amongst the more controversial suggestions is UEFA’s idea of a fraught love triangle between Tottenham, Club Bruges and FC Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk.

“Some of the suggestions are a bit radical,” Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers admitted to FourFourTwo.com. “But when you look at the lethargic way we played against Udinese I wonder whether it maybe would have been better to set the ball on fire in the 55th minute.

“And I’d certainly have backed us if it’d gone to the chairs – I’ve made no secret that I’ve got my five takers lined up already.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Arsenal defend decision to send Diaby and Wilshere bear-wrestling

Back of the Net — Thu, 04 Oct 2012 08:54:00 GMT

The Gunners have adopted an unusual approach to rehabilitation, so says Back of the Net's John Foster...

Arsenal have been forced to defend their controversial treatment policy after it emerged that Abou Diaby and Jack Wilshere will complete their rehabilitation from injury by fighting a Eurasian brown bear.

Diaby has struggled with a series of niggling injuries for much of his career, and doubts have been raised over whether his thigh strain will have healed in time for his duel with the bear, Coco, which will be closely observed by club physiotherapist Gary Lewin.

“It’s not enough that Abou has to show us he’s recovered from his knock, he has to prove his reflexes, upper body strength, and warrior instinct are also at 100%, and we won’t know that until he’s wrestled Coco in a one-on-one, no-holds-barred showdown,” Lewin told FourFourTwo.com. “As every physio knows, it’s no good being able to do sprints and twists if you can’t subdue an irate bear in unarmed combat.”

Another long-term Arsenal absentee is Jack Wilshere, whose last competitive appearance was in June 2011. But the England star has spoken out about his excitement in proving his match fitness against the 11-year old bear, while acknowledging that he may have tried to rush his last attempted comeback in January.

“Coco’s a great competitor, and it’ll be tough to overwhelm and pin him for a count of ten while avoiding his razor-sharp claws, but I’m looking forward to the challenge,” Wilshere told our reporter. “Last time I tried to take him on when I could still feel a little tightness in my ankle, and I was lucky to get away with some light gouging. You can’t give Coco an inch.”

The bear-wrestling program has proved controversial since it became public knowledge, but former players at the Emirates have spoken out to defend both the policy and Coco.

“Wrestling bears keeps you young,” said former Gunners hero Robert Pirès. “My career was drifting a little until Pat Rice brought this adorable thing into training one day and explained how it had followed him home. I miss many things about Arsenal, but my fondest memories are the narrow escapes from Coco’s slavering jaws.”

“The gaffer [Arsène Wenger] used to release Coco into the team hotel on away trips,” added retired star Fredrik Ljungberg. “It kept you on your toes. Anyone who couldn’t cope with Coco—I’m thinking of players like Phillipe Senderos, Rami Shabaan, Edu after he lost a yard of pace—were shipped out the door as soon as their wounds had sufficiently healed.”

When pressed by journalists, an Arsenal spokesman pointed out that wrestling bears is a great advance on previous fitness tests at the club. Stalwart full-back Nigel Winterburn was controversially released in 2000 after failing to convince Wenger that he could out-wrestle a narwhal, and eight years ago the Emirates club pulled out of a deal for Hatem Trabelsi after the Tunisian’s medical saw him comfortably bested by a kangaroo.

“I would never send my players out on a wet Tuesday evening in November If I didn’t think they could subject a grizzly to a reverse chinlock,” Wenger told FourFourTwo.com. “Whatever damage a bear can do, Stoke City are a hundred times worse.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Spurs' Dawson tight-lipped on future, but hints climate change could kill millions

Back of the Net — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 10:27:00 GMT

The popular Spurs defender has hinted he'll need to get used to being out in the cold, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson explains...

Out of favour Tottenham defender Michael Dawson refused to be drawn into discussing the future at a press conference today, giving only brief details of a new Ice Age and a summary of several useful new gadgets that will be launched between 2014 and 2017.

England international Dawson is struggling for first-team opportunities at White Hart Lane and there has been speculation that a £9 million deal with QPR, which fell through in the summer, could be revisited.

There is also speculation that a rising population, deforestation within Africa, Central and South America, industrial pollution in China, a loss of biodiversity, rising sea levels and oceanic dead zones may render our planet more or less uninhabitable within 150 years.

However, at today’s press conference the usually chirpy Yorkshireman was initially reluctant to give any clear message regarding the future.

“At this stage I’m just concentrating on getting things right in training,” the towering stopper insisted. “It really isn’t for me to discuss the future.”

"Just popping down to Morrison's, love..."

However, when pushed by insistent journalists, Dawson was willing to give some insights.

“I can tell you that the solar cycle peaking in 2022 will be one of the weakest in centuries, causing a significant cooling of the Earth’s climate,” the ex-Nottingham Forest man said.

“Obviously that’ll be catastrophic for the continuation of the human civilisation. The bitter cold will decimate food supplies and exposure will kill millions – those left will have to fight it out for the remaining resources, marauding in small packs of ruthless hunters.”

On a lighter note, Dawson was willing to reveal that we can expect some revelations in the world of consumer products within the next decade.

“By 2017 intelligent packaging will be a reality,” Dawson declared. “Food packaging will be fitted with electronic chips so they can effectively ‘talk to each other’ and suggest recipes. It sounds far-fetched but we are already close to that technology.”

Dawson also revealed that we should expect Spurs to give no less than 100% during Saturday’s trip to Old Trafford.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: 'Now a great time for fans to panic', says Gerrard

Back of the Net — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 10:05:00 GMT

The Anfield faithful are being advised not to stay calm, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has spoken directly to fans concerned about the club’s slow start to the season, in an effort to reassure them that now is indeed the ideal time to panic.

“I’m experienced enough to have been in this situation before, and I can tell you, nobody has a clue about what to do,” Gerrard told FourFourTwo.com.

“It would be very easy for me to stand here and make excuses and pretend everything’s fine, but I think the fans are intelligent enough to know that we’re deep in the brown stuff.

“If I were in their shoes, I’d be losing it a bit,” he continued.

"PANIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCC!!!"

Gerrard’s words were echoed by new manager Brendan Rodgers, who used last Sunday’s programme notes to call on all Liverpool fans to have a panic-induced breakdown at the first sign of something going wrong.

“We’re at the start of a rebuilding process that will take time,” Rodgers cautioned. “A lot of time. More time than we have, in all likelihood. If we don’t get three points at Norwich, then to be perfectly honest I think this football club is finished as an institution.”

The Liverpool hero also expressed his sympathy with young teammate Jonjo Shelvey, following his red card against Manchester United for a dangerous tackle.

“Jonjo got a bit overenthusiastic, he had a rush of blood, and he’s lost control,” said Gerrard. “In other words, he’s panicked, and that’s exactly the kind of reckless, unthinking fear we need more of right now.”

Meanwhile, Liverpool owner John Henry has backed the team’s new panic-stricken direction, pledging to spend upwards of £60 million pounds on new signings in the January transfer window, regardless of their age, suitability, or talent, taking to Twitter last night to tell fans, “We’re doomed.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: John Terry inspires team-mates by giving up

Back of the Net — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 14:18:00 GMT

Chelsea captain John Terry is standing tall, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Former England captain John Terry last night announced his retirement from international football, in a move that has been unanimously hailed as ‘inspirational’ and ‘characteristically brave.’

Terry read out his statement personally before the media, his upper lip quivering with courage while patriotic tears rolled slowly down his lion-hearted cheeks.

“The FA’s decision to continue making me the first name on the teamsheet despite these allegations portrays a shameful lack of trust in me,” the Chelsea stalwart told reporters. “The only honourable thing to do in response is to throw a massive flouncy strop.

“I always said I would never turn my back on England,” he continued, from the deck of Roman Abramovich’s yacht off the Dover coast, “And by refusing to play for England, I’ve shown I’m prepared to take the tough decisions before they’re taken for me.”

Handing Terry the armband wasn't McClaren's worst call as England boss

The timing of the announcement, which came on the eve of an FA disciplinary hearing for alleged racial abuse, provides Terry’s many supporters with further evidence that the 31-year old would never walk away from a fight, except for difficult ones.

“Despite the fact that this investigation has been on the cards since July, I decided to delay my retirement until now,” Terry continued, “Because not ducking out of a challenge until the last second shows exactly the type of leader I am.”

Perhaps the most impressive feature of Terry’s statement is the inspiring message it will give to young supporters across the nation, who will surely be encouraged by their idol’s petulant sense of entitlement.

“Winners never quit, except when they do” a spokesman for the player told FourFourTwo.com. “Look, JT is a special player, and he deserves special treatment. Otherwise what’s the point of taking part?”

When pressed, Terry confirmed that if England are victorious in an international tournament in his lifetime, he would be prepared to end his retirement just in time for the trophy presentation.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Adkins admits to 'worst possible start' while fleeing angry dog

Back of the Net — Tue, 18 Sep 2012 08:50:00 GMT

The men from St Mary's haven't made a happy return to the Premier League thus far, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson explains...

Southampton manager Nigel Adkins has confessed he couldn’t have had a worse start to the new Premier League campaign, while dodging the jaws of a savage hunting hound during a curtailed press conference this afternoon.

The fixture list was far from kind to Southampton, but even the most modest of expectations have so far proven too great. Saturday’s 6-1 trouncing at the hands of Arsenal has left the Premier League newcomers without a point to their name and with a big fat 16 in the goals against column, prompting Sky Sports to put an ‘R’ alongside their name as a ‘time saving measure’.

It all adds up to Southampton’s worst start since the 1911-12 season, when their only copy of the fixture list was rendered illegible after being left in the chairman’s pocket when his trousers went in the wash, forcing the team to travel to every other league ground on match-day each week in the hope of finding their opponents.

To add to the Saints’ woes, talented forward Guly do Prado has been charged with drink driving, and now manager Adkins is facing an energy-sapping pursuit by a tireless opponent.

“We always knew that we would be up against it,” Adkins told FourFourTwo.com while hopping beyond the reach of the bloodhound’s jaws.

“But that said, I have been disappointed. I set a target that we would at least have a point by now, or have conceded fewer than 15 goals, or would have a kit that people recognise as ours and none of those things have happened.”

While Adkins is trying to remain positive, many feel that his squad is thin on top-level players and that the 47-year-old doesn’t have what it takes to outrun a four-year-old bloodhound.

“He’s got a decent bite in there,” Adkins admitted, twisting his leg in a vain attempt to release the bloodhound’s vice-like grip. “But there’s an awful lot of the season to go and, likewise, there’s an awful lot of Nigel Adkins still to be consumed.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Dizzy Curbishley trapped on managerial merry-go-round

Back of the Net — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 15:39:00 GMT

Ever wondered what happened to the early 2000s' sixth most in-demand manager? Back of the Net's Paul Watson explains...

It has been revealed that former Charlton Athletic manager Alan Curbishley has become trapped on the managerial-merry-go-round.

Curbishley left West Ham in September 2008 and boarded the merry-go-round expecting to be swiftly deposited at an equal or slightly worse club, but things haven’t worked out that way.

Sources close to the the 54-year-old have confirmed that the functional tactician’s suit jacket has become caught in the merry-go-round mechanism, trapping an increasingly desperate Curbishley on the ride for nearly four years and preventing him from safely dismounting at Birmingham, Wolves or Fulham.

“We’re all a little worried about Curbs’ state of mind,” our source told FourFourTwo.com.

“It’s been a really tough time for him being stuck in this gyratory limbo. Lately he’s been muttering about how nice Bolton looks at this time of year.

“Besides, he’s spending an awful lot of time with Iain Dowie and that’s obviously got to take its toll on you.”

Fashioned by the same people who designed the rumour mill, the managerial merry-go-round is lubricated by despair, greed and some oil and has been spinning continuously since its inception in the late 1980s.

It was created with the purpose of ensuring a constant supply of gossip for the football media, but these days is widely regarded as a way of ensuring that any given club is managed by Steve Bruce at least once every three years.

At its fastest, the English merry-go-round reaches a speed of 1mpw (1 manager per week), the default speed in Italy’s Serie A, but it always maintains a pace fast enough to make West Brom and Wigan look like attractive places to be.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

Christian Benteke: I’ve never heard of me either

Back of the Net — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 10:06:00 GMT

Aston Villa's deadline-day signing isn't even a household name in his own house, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Days after Aston Villa sprung a surprise with their deadline-day swoop for little-known Belgian hitman Christian Benteke, questions have been asked among those hoping to discover exactly who he is, led by fans, journalists, and Benteke himself.

“Christian Benteke? Never heard of him,” said 21-year-old Christian Benteke, from Belgium. “Seven million pounds is a lot of money for someone who is essentially an unknown quantity. I hope Paul Lambert knows what he’s doing, because from the outside looking in, this has the feel of a panic buy.”

Benteke is likely to go straight into Lambert’s squad for this weekend’s clash with Swansea, and after a deflating start to the new season, the Villa Park faithful are excited about seeing their new signing in action.

“Most people don’t really follow the Belgian league, and I guess I’m no exception,” Benteke told FourFourTwo.com. “What will I bring to the side? Am I ready for the first team? Can I play alongside Darren Bent? Your guess is as good as mine. I’m looking forward to showing everyone what I can do, especially myself.”

Benteke: In this picture somewhere

In common with the majority of football fans, Benteke has had to research himself on Wikipedia.

“So apparently I started at Standard Liège, moved to Genk after a couple of years, then back to Liège, then back to Genk. You have to wonder what the story is there. Oh, and I’ve been played five times for Belgium. Hmm. If I was really ready for the Premier League, you’d think it would be more, wouldn’t you?”

Ultimately, however, Benteke is confident that he will prove a success in the Midlands.

“I’ve got a Villa shirt printed with ‘Benteke’ written across the back, and I’ll be following my progress with interest,” he said. “No-one’s keener than me for me to score some goals, build a reputation, and eventually start referring to myself in the third person.”

Previously, on Back of the Net:
Carroll now photosynthesising, proud West Ham report
QPR told they have to sign Julio Cesar before they can transfer-list him
Van Persie accused of stealing Arsenal's shooting boots
All Michael Owen transfer rumours started by Michael Owen
Rodallega solemnly informs new team-mates of his proficiency at cunnilingus
Pearce feeds promising badminton partnership to 'peckish' Team GB squad

More from Back of the Net

BotN: Carroll now photosynthesising, proud West Ham report

Back of the Net — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 10:04:00 GMT

The Geordie striker has already blossomed at West Ham. Back of the Net's Paul Watson explains why...

West Ham have unexpectedly revealed that Andy Carroll’s excellent debut against Fulham can be largely attributed to his newfound ability to produce energy from light using chlorophylls embedded in the giant forward’s plasma membrane.

Carroll came under fire last season for failing to meet Liverpool’s expectations following a £35 million move from Newcastle, but the 23-year-old is looking to turn over a new leaf after agreeing a loan switch to West Ham.

He made an ideal start to life at his new club, turning in a masterful performance to set up two goals in a 3-0 victory over Fulham, showing the kind of relentless energy that had so often been missing last season.

There had been suggestions that the change of scenery and a strict pre-season diet were responsible for Carroll’s dream Hammers debut, but his new boss has explained that the England striker is in fact benefitting from increased glucose production within his plastid leaf cells.

Carroll is set to spend the winter months in Kevin Nolan's airing cupboard

“Andy went away and worked very hard over the summer and he can now convert carbon dioxide and water into glucose and oxygen using a double displacement chemical reaction, namely 6H2O + 6CO2 = C6H1206 + 6O2,” Hammers boss Sam Allardyce told FourFourTwo.com.

“The lad is making exceptional use of his chloroplasts and it’s a real joy to watch him on this form.

“Naturally, Andy may find life a little harder later in the season when there is less sunlight and will be almost entirely useless for evening kick-offs where the best we can hope for is propping him up directly under a floodlight to prevent him wilting and yellowing, but he spent much of last year doing the same for Liverpool and still managed an occasional goal.”

Fulham captain Brede Hangeland was effusive in his praise for Carroll, who he felt will be hard to stop.

“We just didn’t have an answer for Andy today,” the Norwegian defender admitted.

“Obviously you try to cut off his magnesium supply as much as you can and drain the immediate area of accessible nitrates, but he just had too much for us. Once his electron transport chain is in full flow it’s just so hard to stop.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: QPR told they have to sign Julio Cesar before they can transfer list him

Back of the Net — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 10:34:00 GMT

The West London club are busily trying to overhaul their overhauled squad before the close of the transfer window, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

QPR were dealt a blow this week when they were told by the FA that it is not possible to transfer-list a player who has not yet signed for the club, as the manic spendthrifts intensified their search for a goalkeeper to replace new signing Rob Green's replacement, Julio Cesar.

The experienced Brazil international looks set to be shipped in and immediately out again by the Loftus Road moneybags, after they failed to sell Newcastle keeper Tim Krul to Chelsea. The club also revealed that they are still hoping to sign free agent Artur Boruc, immediately release him again, and then possibly then sign him a for second time.

Speaking to FourFourTwo.com, manager Mark Hughes paid tribute to the former Inter No.1.

“Julio’s a top player and I’m looking forward to him arriving,” Hughes said. “At his age, he wants first-team football, so it’s probably best that he moves on.”

“I’d like to thank him for all he contributed to the club during his time here, and I’ll tell him so personally when I meet him for the first time tomorrow.”

"Errrm, Robert, you've not got Shay Given's number, have you?"

Sporting director Amit Bhatia took time out from promoting QPR’s newly-released 2013/14 season highlights DVD to defend the club’s rapid turnover of playing staff.

“Anyone who says our transfer policy looks like it’s been cooked up in a playpen by a bunch of football-hating ADHD toddlers who’ve just consumed half a ton of sugar—” began Bhatia. “Oh wow, a moth! Look at the moth! Oh god, someone shoo it off our sugar.”

In another blow for the West London outfit, they have been told by the bank that, for epistemological reasons, it is not possible to mortgage the contents of the club’s trophy cabinet.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Van Persie accused of stealing Arsenal's shooting boots

Back of the Net — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 08:14:00 GMT

The North Londoners are having difficulty hitting the target since the loss of the Dutchman, Back of the Net's John Foster explains exactly why...

After a thorough but ultimately fruitless search of club property, Arsenal Football Club have today accused Robin van Persie of taking all their shooting boots with him when he left the club.

The Gunners have begun their Premier League campaign with 0-0 draws against both Sunderland and Stoke City, games which saw the Gunners criticised for fielding two strikers (Olivier Giroud and Lukas Podolski) who were quite clearly not wearing shooting boots.

But a sweep of the Emirates Stadium, the team’s training ground at London Colney, and Steve Bould’s mum’s garage, have failed to turn up any evidence of Arsenal’s stash of boots, leading figures within the club to point the finger at former terrace hero Van Persie.

“We looked everywhere, and all we found were some spare corner flags, Oleg Luzhny’s unfinished novel, and Andy Linighan, who had been sleeping in my mum’s garage,” Bould told reporters.

“I even called Pat Rice in Las Vegas, but he couldn’t say where they might be,” he continued. “Though he couldn’t really say anything, to be fair. He sounded like he'd been enjoying all the sights and sounds of Sin City, if you see what I mean. Plus the strippers were being really noisy, but I digress.”

After studying footage of Manchester United’s 3-2 win over Fulham last weekend, which saw Van Persie notch his first goal for his new club, Bould is increasingly convinced that the 29-year old Dutch ace took the boots with him to Old Trafford.

“We definitely had them last season,” said Bould. “As captain, Robin was in charge of looking after them. And now Robin’s gone, and so have all our boots. He’s probably given a pair to Phil Jones as a laugh.

“All we have left is a single size thirteen left boot which only fits Abou Diaby, and he’s right-footed, and a midfielder, and injured, and he’s Abou Diaby, so why am I even talking about him?”

Van Persie is typical of modern players in favouring a lightweight pair of shooting boots, though some prefer to use an old-style shooting cap. Gone are the days of Matthew Le Tissier and his shooting pipe-and-slippers combo, let alone Duncan Ferguson, whose suit of shooting armour, though effective, left him relatively immobile.

Arsenal legend Cliff Bastin is believed by many to have used a shooting rifle to aid his deadliness inside the penalty area, and took to the field with his “lucky bayonet” tucked into his knee-socks. But, in reality, this was just a normal rifle which Bastin would use to intimidate and occasionally maim opposing defenders.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: All Michael Owen transfer rumours apparently started by Michael Owen

Back of the Net — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 11:57:00 GMT

The former England star has been linked with a host of clubs this summer, but, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains, there's a good reason for that...

A series of rumours linking former England ace Michael Owen to a number of top European clubs seem to have been started by Michael Owen himself, it emerged earlier today.

Following his release by Manchester United earlier this summer, Owen fully expected to be snapped up by one of the continent’s giants, and reportedly began learning Italian in expectation of interest from Juventus and the Milan clubs.

“Michael only wanted to know how to say yes,” one of Owen’s former teammates told FourFourTwo.com. “Turns out it’s ‘sì’, which also happens to be the one word he learned in Spanish. Poor Michael.”

But after several weeks of silence in which the expected bidding war failed to materialise, Owen was forced to deny his involvement in a rumour linking him with a move to Internazionale, which was posted two weeks ago in pidgin Italian on the club’s internet forum.

Two days later, a similar rumour emerged suggesting that the 32-year old forward was on the verge of a deal with Valencia, and a day after that, several German media outlets reported receiving a package containing the grammatically incoherent message ‘OWEN NEU SPIEL PER BAYERN’, made from cut-up newspaper headlines.

Earlier this week, producers at the radio show Transfer Talk confirmed that a man calling himself ‘Mister Michaels from Chester’ has repeatedly telephoned the programme linking Owen with moves to Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham, Wigan, Stoke, Everton, and Shanghai Shenhua, while expressing amazement that the former Liverpool starlet had not “already been snapped up by a club worthy of his ambitions”

“I think the caller was trying to disguise his voice,” presenter Dominic Jackson told our reporter. “And he kept referring to Michael Owen in the first person. And he once accidentally gave his name as Michael Owen. The poor man.”

"My name? It's Michael Ow....errrrrm, Mr Michaels"

Publicly, Owen has continued to insist that he is confident of securing a high-profile deal, announcing yesterday that he was turning down a move to Brighton that Brighton have denied making.

“Sainsbury’s wanted him to open a new supermarket in Hove,” a Brighton spokesman confirmed. “It’s nothing to do with us. Hasn’t he retired, anyway?”

“I heard he’s making his wife pretend to be Aston Villa,” a friend of the player’s, speaking on condition of anonymity, told FourFourTwo. He gets her to call him and offer him a two-year deal with an option for a third, and he tells her he’ll think about it. I saw this photo of him shaking hands with the gardener while they hold up a Celtic shirt. It’s tragic, really.”

It is also being reported that Owen Hargreaves has rejected Michael Owen’s idea of a touring two-man show, ‘Owen To The Fact’ where the two players recount humourous anecdotes about their careers in front of a paying audience while sitting very still and trying not to hurt themselves.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Rodallega solemnly informs new teammates of his proficiency at cunnilingus

Back of the Net — Fri, 03 Aug 2012 11:01:00 GMT

A new man has arrived at Craven Cottage, and, as Back of the Net's John Foster reports, he has skills to pay the bills. Not that you could pay bills that way. Unless...

Fulham summer signing Hugo Rodallega has introduced himself to his new teammates by describing in minute detail his technique for performing oral sex on a woman, according to reports from Craven Cottage.

“We were a little taken aback,” admitted Norwegian defender Brede Hangeland. “The gaffer had just said a few words about how pleased he was to have Hugo on board, and he asked Hugo if he wanted to say anything, and Hugo just stood up and said with a very serious expression that he was excellent at cunnilingus.”

“I think he must have taken our silence for confusion, because he spent the next twenty minutes telling us about cunnilingus and how he thinks it should be done.”

According to Hangeland, Rodallega emphasised the importance of appropriate music to set the mood, such as Get Ready by The Temptations, perhaps accompanied by a sexy dance. This should be followed by something more sensual, like Angel by Massive Attack, or Sex Room by Ludicris, for the cunnilingus itself.

"Praise you, oh mighty Hugo, for your divine teachings!"

“I like to have a firm, but not over-firm, grasp of her buttocks, and I like to let her know that I find her scent is enticing, by making appreciative noises,” Rodellaga reportedly told his new colleagues, who listened in increasing discomfort as the ex-Wigan man discussed “stamina exercises for the tongue” that they could perform while engaged in other tasks, such as cooking, reading, or playing football.

Rodallega’s former Wigan teammate Ben Watson confirmed to FourFourTwo.com that the Colombian’s preoccupation with cunnilingus is nothing new.

“I’ve never met any of Hugo’s girlfriends,” Watson remarked, “But if he’s half as good at performing cunnilingus as he is at scoring goals then he’d be, well, reasonably good at cunnilingus, I suppose.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Pearce feeds promising badminton partnership to ‘peckish’ players

Back of the Net — Thu, 02 Aug 2012 11:28:00 GMT

Under-fire Great Britain coach Stuart Pearce has insisted that it was a ‘sensible footballing decision’ for his squad to kill, cook and eat badminton partners Chris Adcock and Imogen Bankier after a less than satisfactory evening meal in the Olympic Village.

Great Britain face a tough task in their bid to win a football gold medal, with the Brazil side who beat them 2-0 in a friendly prior to the tournament seen as overwhelming favourites.

Uncompromising boss Pearce is clearly taking his task seriously, but has been criticised for failing to embrace the Olympic spirit, after excluding David Beckham from his squad, repeatedly referring to the competition as the ‘World Cup’ in press conferences and upending the Velodrome by stamping on the lower part.

Last night’s controversial decision to serve up the Anglo-Scottish mixed badminton pair on a bed of rocket and couscous is likely to fan the flames, but Pearce has no doubts he did the right thing.

Pearce: Fully embracing the Olympic spirit...

“I’m here to win a football tournament,” Pearce told FourFourTwo.com.

“And I can’t have Giggsy [Ryan Giggs] giving me that look that says he’s still a bit hungry but too polite to order another main because he knows we’d all have to wait for it to arrive.

“I felt the same, truth be told. I couldn’t have managed a shot-putter or even a pole-vaulter, but I fancied something.

“Of course you feel sympathy for the badmintoners [badminton players] because they’ve spent four years building up to this, swatting [hitting] that feathered thing [the shuttlecock] over the bar [the net] loads of times only to end up in Tom Cleverley’s colon, but this was a purely footballing decision and I believe I made the right one.”

Pearce has often been accused of placing too much importance on football since the former defender replaced his wedding vows with a quick game of headers and volleys during which a tuxedoed David Platt teed him up for a string of point-blank bullet-headers past despairing bride, Elizabeth.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Barton to spend the summer training with Fleetwood Mac

Back of the Net — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 15:43:00 GMT

Football's 'philosopher king' will be spending the next few weeks away from QPR. Back of the Net's John Foster explains all...

After being left out of his club’s pre-season tour of Malaysia, QPR bad boy Joey Barton has opted link up with soft-rock mainstays Fleetwood Mac, joining the veteran hitmakers for a number of aerobic fitness workouts and bluesy, chilled-out jams.

The move comes as a surprise, given that Barton, who is serving a twelve-match ban for his part in a one-man brawl during the final game of last season, had previously been dismissive of the classic rock genre, comparing it unfavourably to the alternative, stripped-down miserabilism of Mancunian indie pioneers The Smiths.

Moreover, Barton has been involved in a long-running feud with Stevie Nicks’ ex-boyfriend Don Henley of The Eagles, with whom Barton allegedly exchanged drunken insults in a Newcastle chip shop back in 2009.

"Am I leaving QPR? No, it's just RUMOURS! HA HA! GET IT!? Please RT"

But the bad blood following the 2010 release of the Henley-Nicks collaboration Joey Barton Is A Knob appears to have dissipated, after Barton tweeted to his 1.6 million followers that he is "Looking forward to sessions with Fleetwood this week," promising that he "will get a much needed funk on."

“Fleetwood Mac are a great institution,” Barton told FourFourTwo.com. “Everyone knows that class is permanent, and I think a return to the glory days is just a matter of time. To be sharing a dressing room with Lindsey Buckingham, if even for a couple of weeks, is every player’s dream.”

Band founder Mick Fleetwood has also spoken up in support of Barton’s move.

“Obviously our promotion to League Two took a lot of people by surprise,” he said. “We’re expecting this year to be a struggle, given that John McVie is 66, I have type two diabetes, and Lindsey Buckingham is probably better suited to lead guitarist than to the Makélélé role.”

“We’re hoping Joey can share some of his experience and passion, though so far he’s mostly just shown me some lyrics he’s written,” continued Fleetwood.

“I don’t care about his lyrics. He’s a professional footballer, not a misunderstood poet, and I kind of wish he’d remember that sometimes.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN's pre-season round-up: City invade China, Liverpool/Spurs make pointless trip

Back of the Net — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 08:37:00 GMT

With the exception of the season itself, pre-season is the most important period in the football calendar. Back of the Net's Paul Watson looks through a mouth-watering summer fixture list and picks out the highlights...

St Mary's Stadium has already played host to the much anticipated Markus Liebherr Memorial Cup, that saw Europe’s top clubs Arsenal, Anderlecht and Southampton go head-to-head-to-head for the trophy. Arsene Wenger's side were ultimately victorious, securing the silverware Gunners fans had long dreamed of.

“If your players aren’t up for the Markus Liebherr Memorial Cup, then why are they footballers?” Wenger told FourFourTwo.com.

“It’s not every day you get to play against a newly-promoted Premier League side and the Belgian champions in 45-minute matches on the same day in memory of a Swiss businessman who saved Southampton from bankruptcy for some reason.”

Aside from their double-date on the south coast, newly promoted Southampton didn’t manage to arrange any friendlies in time, but the players will be coming along on the Adkins family holiday to the south of France, where they are expected to have a kick-around with some locals or at least play keepie-uppie on the beach.

Two teams who'll be travelling slightly further are Liverpool and Tottenham. The Premier League pair will both be making the pointless 7,000 mile round-trip to Baltimore to face-off at the M&T Bank Stadium, then tweet a few photographs of street corners and drug dens made famous by award-winning HBO drama series, The Wire.

A Liverpool XI will then visit Ireland on August 5. No squad has been selected as yet but the club have made assurances that none of the players will be the actual ones you get during the season and at least one of them will be Jonjo Shelvey.

West Bromwich Albion travel to Ilfracombe on July 19 to play against nine men called Nigel.

Champions Manchester City, meanwhile, will warm-up for the defence of their Premier League crown by leading an invasion of China. The all-conquering Citizens are aiming to continue their dominant form by subjugating and annexing Hainan Province, which will be repurposed as a 13,000 square-mile megastore.

Roberto Mancini’s men can expect a tough test but the likes of Sergio Aguero and Mario Balotelli should be too much for the southern region’s 8.6m inhabitants to deal with.

As ever, pre-season culminates in the Community Shield on August 12. This season’s contest is between Chelsea and Manchester City – the winners will be presented with the famous shield, if Manchester United can remember where they left it after last year’s victory.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: McLeish holiday postcards too boring to finish

Back of the Net — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 13:27:00 GMT

Big Eck's vaction explanations don't have anybody 'wishing they were here', as Back of the Net's John Foster reveals...

Friends and family of Alex McLeish have told FourFourTwo.com that the postcards sent home by the former Aston Villa boss from his hotel in Magaluf are too boring to be read in their entirety.

“I have to admit, my heart sank when I turned over the picture of a donkey wearing a sombrero and saw Alex’s signature,” McLeish’s sister Kate explained. “I made it about two-thirds of the way through, but I had to give up during his description of the air-conditioning unit.”

“Alex means well,” she continued. “I wish he’d cut loose a little bit and let the words flow, but he’s fixated on joylessly grinding out postcard after postcard. I asked him about it once, and he told me if I wanted excitement I should go read Andy McNabb.”

"...and on the flight here I watched TWO episodes of Taggart..."

Identical problems reportedly marred postcards sent by McLeish during previous holidays to Blackpool (2007), Center Parcs Longleat (2009 and 2010), and Center Parcs Whinfell (2011).

Sources also indicated that a ‘potentially-interesting’ 2008 postcard sent by the ex-Rangers boss from Zadar contained no mention of the sights of the medieval Croatian city, instead focusing on the various breakfast options available in McLeish’s hotel, and his dissatisfaction with all of them.

In other news, the holiday photos taken by Roma boss Zdenek Zeman on his solo parachuting and mountaineering holiday in the Peruvian Andes have been adjudged “too exciting” to be viewed by human eyes, and have been impounded on public safety grounds.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

BotN: Rangers misery ‘just great fun’ for rest of Scottish League

Back of the Net — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 13:32:00 GMT

Rangers are set to start the new season in the Scottish Football League Third Division and, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reveals, this could just be the start of their problems...

The president of the Scottish Football League has expressed his ‘absolute delight’ at being allowed to suggest a number of elaborate punishments for newco Rangers.

Rangers will start life again from the Third Division after suffering a financial meltdown but the new club face further sanctions according to Scottish Football Association Statute 12, which stresses the need to ‘kick a club when it’s down, you know, really put the boot in.’

It has already been revealed that Rangers will have to always have their name in inverted commas, wear an all-pink away kit and be forced to play all corners short for the 2012-13 campaign.

Furthermore, manager Ally McCoist will have to reprise his role as team captain of A Question of Sport but may only answer ‘Away’ questions in the ‘Home of Away’ round, considerably hindering his chances of beating wily competitor Phil Tufnell.

McCoist - delighted to be back in the Question of Sport mix...

McCoist was ashen-faced as he learned that he’ll also be expected to lethargically flirt with host Sue Barker in each and every episode.

"Nobody enjoys seeing a team fall from grace like this," Livingston chairman and SFL board member Gordon McDougall told FourFourTwo.com. "No, wait, that’s right we’re all having a great time, it’s fantastic.

"I’ve got this great idea where Rangers aren’t allowed a team coach and have to get to all their away games by foot.

"I heard this hilarious idea we should send them to Annan [Athletic] six times in a row. We should totally do them all!"

There have been rumours that a transfer embargo may be placed on Rangers that only allows them to buy second-rate Premier League cast-offs from clubs like Everton or fairly good Dutch players until 2020.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

Vogts hopeful everyone’s forgotten about Scotland by now

Back of the Net — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 13:05:00 GMT

It's a tough job market, and Paul Watson reports on one hopeful's careful CV editing...

The leading candidate for Poland’s managerial vacancy, Berti Vogts, is said to be pinning his hopes on the Polish FA forgetting that he used to manage Scotland, a detail that would probably rule him out for the post.

“Scotland didn’t go very well,” admitted the Euro 96-winning coach. “It’s probably best they don’t look too closely at what happened. There’s a reason it’s not on the CV.”

During his ill-fated 30 months in charge, Vogts led Scotland to its lowest ever FIFA ranking and recorded a number of demoralizing results, including reversals against Hungary (0-3) and Wales (0-4), along with a 2-2 draw with St Kilda, an uninhabited island in the Hebrides.

Indeed, the Tartan Army registered a mere 25% win ratio under Vogts, despite the ostensibly sensible policy of filling the team with non-Scots, who were statistically likely to be better footballers.

“I’m rather relying on the Poles remembering Euro 96, and then ignoring everything I did subsequently in my career,” Vogts continued. “Bayer Leverkusen sacked me after six months, Nigeria after a year. The Kuwait job went even worse than Scotland. Here, look at my Euro 96 winner’s medal.”

Berti and adoring fans in 2004

Perhaps the lowest point of Vogts’ Scotland reign was a 0-0 draw in Estonia, a game in which Scotland dominated possession but failed to register a single shot on target, despite their opponents boycotting the fixture.

Before any appointment, compensation would of course have to be agreed with Vogts’ current employers, Azerbaijan.

“We’ll pay them a million euros to take him off our hands,” said Elkhan Mammadov, chairman of the Azerbaijani FA. “In the last year we’ve lost to Kazakhstan and drawn with Singapore and Andorra. The Armenians are laughing at us, and they are short-legged criminals who lie with goats.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

Nobody acts funny, nobody gets hurt, new Watford owners insist

Back of the Net — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 09:32:00 GMT

There's a new capo at Vicarage Road and Paul Watson speculates wildly (and, obviously, incorrectly)...

Watford’s new owners the Pozzo family have reassured fans that they almost certainly aren’t looking to usher in a reign of terror at Vicarage Road.

The Hornets have been taken over by an Italian family that already owns Serie A side Udinese and Spanish outfit Granada.

Within hours of the Pozzos’ arrival, popular manager Sean Dyche had resigned completely of his own free will, giving a statement in which he thanked everyone at the club for a rewarding season at the helm and wishing the new owners "all the success in the world" before concluding "please for the love of God spare my family".

Gianfranco Zola has been installed as the new boss after signing a lifetime contract and has been issued a palatial gated mansion, a silenced .22 pistol and an attractive yet materialistic comare.

"Er, when I said we needed firepower…"

Some Watford fans have expressed fears that the soul of the club could be damaged by the foreign takeover.

Few have forgotten Wimbledon’s infamous sponsorship deal with the Mafia in the 1980s. While the Dons were improbable FA Cup winners in 1988, their achievement was marred by the clipping of Liverpool’s Nigel Spackman at half-time and the subsequent melting down of the famous trophy to produce knock-off watches.

“We aren’t the bad guys,” the Pozzo family insisted in a statement to reassure Watford fans. “And as long as Watford are promoted from the Championship next year there’s no reason why anyone needs to get hurt.

“We just want to protect our way of life, our code of ethics. Where I’m from, a man dreams of building a modest football empire in Hertfordshire, signing Cardiff’s sub goalkeeper and grabbing a workmanlike point away to Crystal Palace and if anyone tries to stop him living that dream, he must fight for it."

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

Pundit Lawrenson admits to murder while saying what defenders used to be able to get away with

Back of the Net — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 15:01:00 GMT

Beloved pundit shocks listeners with gory goings-on, claims Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

BBC pundit Mark Lawrenson faces questioning by Scotland Yard after responding to an innocuous question about today’s referees by detailing a string of horrific crimes he committed on the football pitch during the 1980s.

Lawrenson is a vocal critic of the modern game, regularly stressing his belief that all things all players do at all levels of the game are not as good as they should be or used to be.

But few expected the English Republic of Ireland international to respond to a question about a refereeing decision during a Euro 2012 match by detailing several atrocities he committed during matches in the 1980s.

Lawrenson's ill-judged outburst came after commentator Guy Mowbray asked Lawrenson whether he felt Antonio Cassano had made a lot of a slightly late tackle by Sergio Busquets.

“These days at the slightest contact the striker goes down and it’s a free kick, but it wasn’t like that when I was a player,” Lawrenson began.

“You know, if you were up against a player who was quicker than you or more skilful than you, you’d kick lumps out of him.

“Then, if he carried on, you'd gut him like a kipper – y'know, murder him, in cold blood.”

Hansen: "I'll get him, Mark. You send his wife flowers"

A clearly stunned Mowbray attempted to move conversation back to the game, but Lawrenson couldn’t be stopped.

“Sometimes if you knew you were playing a nippy winger, you’d simply bring a shotgun and shoot him in the kneecaps,” Lawro continued with a nostalgic chuckle. “I remember one weekend, myself and Alan [Hansen] mowed down the entire Ipswich starting XI. Those were the days.”

Lawrenson seemed shocked to discover that his reminiscences had upset the production crew and trailed off muttering "y'know it’s like Keystone Kops" and "pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker’s man".

There are now fears that Liverpool’s magnificent defensive record during the 1980s could have owed a lot to Lawrenson’s, bloodlust while football lovers may have to brace themselves for the loss of one of the game’s most beloved pundits.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

More from Back of the Net

Arsenal's swoop for Giroud is great news for Giroud, asserts Giroud
Sacked Harry looks forward to pursuits ourside football, but can't name any
New Cardiff City kit to be giant penis costume
Berbatov transfer-listed for talking about death too much
Fredi Kanoute "not sure who he has signed for"

Arsenal’s swoop for Giroud is great news for Giroud, asserts Giroud

Back of the Net — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 07:50:00 GMT

The man widely linked with a move to the Emirates is delighted to be heading to North London, according to Back of the Net's Paul Watson...

French striker Olivier Giroud believes Arsenal’s apparent decision to move for the 28-year-old marksman is a huge boost for Olivier Giroud and everyone connected with Olivier Giroud.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is looking to add attacking options to his squad after the 2011-12 campaign saw the Gunners once again finish without silverware.

Wenger has already pounced for German hitman Lukas Podolski and is now close to securing the services of Montpellier man Giroud, who is all in favour of the switch.

“This is a great deal for Olivier Giroud, Olivier Giroud’s girlfriend Jennifer and Olivier Giroud’s friends and family,” Giroud enthused to FourFourTwo.com.

“It’s a no lose situation for anyone attached to Olivier Giroud. At worst I’ll have a forgettable season and be sold back to a French team with an extra £500,000 in my pocket and a collection of dinner party anecdotes about more famous players.

“Obviously Olivier Giroud has a proud tradition of buying expensive cars and clothes, living in a spacious, penthouse apartment fitted with an elaborate home cinema system and tipping waiting staff just a little more than 12.5%, so Arsenal will fit in nicely with that.

“There were fears that the poor standard of cuisine, lack of ski slopes and inconsistent pronunciation of both Olivier and Giroud would make this a less attractive option but I’m delighted to say that a dumper truck of money has eased my concerns.”

When asked whether he believed he would be a hit with the Gunners’ fans, Giroud was emphatic.

“I honestly believe that Arsenal fans will soon speak of Olivier Giroud with the same fondness they have for Marouane Chamakh,” he declared.

With Giroud ready to form an appetising attacking trident with Robin Van Persie and Podolski, Arsenal’s website has announced that February 9th rather than December 15th, as previously advertised, is the scheduled date that the Gunners exit the title race.

More from Back of the Net

During the Euros, Back of the Net will tweet live during the match.
Follow the commentary at http://twitter.com/backofthenetFFT

Sacked Redknapp looks forward to pursuing interests outside football but unable to name single other thing

Back of the Net — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 15:31:00 GMT

Back of the Net's Paul Watson wonders if Harry can survive on Civvy Street

Harry Redknapp has declared his intention to explore other interests while waiting for a new club – but in a lengthy press conference today he failed to name one thing that didn’t relate to the beautiful game.

It was a rollercoaster year for Redknapp, who seemed set to become only the second manager to narrowly avoid a prison sentence and be named England manager in the same day, but, unlike Terry Venables, he missed out on the national job when the FA’s chief executive accidentally sort of promised it to Roy Hodgson at a dinner party and kind of had to give it to him instead.

Further disappointment was to follow for Redknapp as despite finishing fourth Spurs missed out on a place in next season’s Champions League for reasons so illogical the UEFA spokesman entrusted with explaining them in an email had to be committed to an institution several days later.

Now Spurs chairman Daniel Levy has delivered another blow to the saggy-faced wide boy by dismissing him and announcing his plan to go in search of a "misguided foreign appointment" who could "undo Harry’s good work and further erode the board’s relationship with the supporters".

“Of course it’s a shock and a disappointment but I see this as a chance to have a sabbatical and explore other interests while I wait for another offer,” Redknapp explained to FourFourTwo.

"'Oo won the Derby? City or United?"

“You know, when you manage a team it takes up your entire life and you miss out on a lot. For instance I can’t remember the last time I could just sit back of an evening and watch Match of the Day or even just curl up with a film like Escape to Victory, Goal! or… what’s the other one you get? Goal 2, that’s it."

Quizzed further about his off-the-field passions, Redknapp went on to describe playing Football Manager, entering the Daily Telegraph’s Fantasy Football League, playing the Football Pools and eating cheese footballs.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

More from Back of the Net

During the Euros, Back of the Net will tweet live during the match.
Follow the commentary at http://twitter.com/backofthenetFFT

Roy Hodgson profile: Elk, Grasshoppers and Owls

Back of the Net — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 12:38:00 GMT

As Roy Hodgson prepares for his first competitive England game, Back of the Net's John Foster looks back at Hodgson's history

There was widespread surprise when the FA appointed Roy Hodgson to be Fabio Capello’s successor as England boss. Hodgson had been considered an outsider for the post, largely thanks to an unhappy six-month stint in charge of Liverpool, when alienated Reds supporters with poor results and misjudged transfer dealings, notably giving Christian Poulsen a hoof bonus, and awarding Paul Konchesky the naming rights to Anfield.

But Liverpool was a misstep in what has otherwise been a long and impressive managerial career. It began in 1976, when, aged just 29, Hodgson moved to Sweden to coach Halmstads. Like most Swedish clubs, Halmstads had for many years played in a loose 3-4-3 formation, which had been developed by forest trappers as the best way to hunt valuable elk.

Hodgson revolutionised the club’s tactics with a controversial new zonal marking system, instigated a rigid 4-4-2, and, most shockingly of all, released Halmstads’ beloved elks. The new approach paid instant dividends, as Halmstads won the Allsvenskan in his first season in charge. It should be remembered, however, that the Allsvenskan in the 1970s was a three-team league that played a 10-day season timed to coincide with the Swedish summer.

1976: Roy revels in Halmstads' first title

Another title with Halmstads followed in 1979, before Hodgson endured a chastening four-month spell at financially-stricken Bristol City, combining the manager’s job with that of physio, bus driver, and, occasionally, goalkeeper. Hodgson would later admit that he had taken the job without first checking if the side had any players, an oversight which proved to be his undoing.

He returned to Sweden in 1983, winning five consecutive league championships with Malmö, before trying his luck in Switzerland with Neuchâtel Xamax. Here, he recorded a famous victory over an underprepared Real Madrid, who believed their opponents to be an over-the-counter headache remedy, and impressed the Swiss FA sufficiently to be given the national team job in 1992.

Under Hodgson’s guidance, Switzerland qualified for USA 94 and Euro 96, their first major tournament appearances. Key to their success was positional discipline, which Hodgson instilled by tying his players together with lengths of rope on the training field. This innovation was widely praised, despite an incident at the team hotel when Kubilay Türkyilmaz fell off a balcony, dragging the unfortunate Marc Hottiger with him.

Hodgson’s achievements with Switzerland led to him being offered the Inter Milan job in 1995. However, his time at the San Siro was mixed, and he received particular criticism for offloading Roberto Carlos, whom he believed to be an elk. He left his post after losing the 1997 UEFA Cup final to Schalke, having made the tactical blunder of playing for penalties against a German side.

1996: Looking Italian at Inter

After a disappointing stint with Blackburn Rovers, Hodgson returned to Inter as caretaker, where he won plaudits for tidying the team’s broom cupboard and repairing the espresso machine. He then went back to Switzerland, where he was credited with overseeing Grasshoppers’ comeback after they had been dormant for 17 years. Amid criticism that this was typical behaviour for hemipterae and nothing to do with him or his methods, Hodgson was on the move again after a year, to FC Copenhagen.

Following a championship-winning season at Copenhagen and a brief sojourn at Udinese, Hodgson spent two unsuccessful years in charge of the United Arab Emirates. He blamed this uncharacteristic failure on being unable to use his favoured team-bonding techniques of malt whisky, vintage French erotica and democracy.

Determined to coach in every country in Scandinavia as a result of a drunken bet, Hodgson had a forgettable stint in charge of Viking Stavanger, before moving on to coach Finland. He left after failing to qualify for Euro 2008, and, unable to find a job in Reykjavik, took the managerial reins at Fulham, commonly nicknamed “the Iceland of London.”

2007: Taking the fight to the Finnish

His time at Fulham was highly successful, with a highest-ever league finish followed by a run to the Europa League final in 2010, before falling to Atlético Madrid. En route, Hodgson’s unfancied side beat Basel, Juventus, Shakhtar Donetsk, Wolfsburg and Hamburg, breaking the record for the number of times in a single season that a team can be described as ‘plucky’.

He then endured a turbulent time at Liverpool, which saw him bitterly criticised for picking players out of position, such as Raul Meireles on the wing, and Alberto Aquilani at Juventus. His sacking after six months came as no surprise, but a swift return to management with West Bromwich Albion followed. This impressive 18-month spell was characterised by excellent results away from home, widely regarded as a deliberate strategy to rub Liverpool fans’ noses in it.

However, his unexpected appointment as England manager on May 1st was greeted with howls of derision from the press, who had been campaigning for the job to be given to hangdog quote-merchant Harry Redknapp. One tabloid mocked Hodgson’s speech impediment, while others chose to portray him as an owl, owing to his preference for sleeping upside-down in barns, a habit picked up from his time in Sweden.

The backlash continued after the new boss’s first game in charge, a 1-0 win against Norway, with various journalists ridiculing him for not winning 5-0 against Spain instead. Others disparaged Hodgson’s alleged multilingualism, insisting that no-one’s ever heard him say anything in Finnish, that his French is limited to the lyrics to Edith Piaf's Je Ne Regrette Rien, and that Norwegian and Swedish are effectively the same thing.

Only time will tell if the press find a new scapegoat, ideally a German one, in time to reduce the torrent of criticism set to come Hodgson’s way. It looks like being an uphill task, however, with a number of journalists pleading on the eve of the tournament that it’s not too late to get Harry Redknapp in, to help with things like grit, desire, passion, wheeling, and, of course, dealing.

During the Euros, Back of the Net will tweet live during the match.
Follow the commentary at http://twitter.com/backofthenetFFT

Euro 2012 travel guide: Kiev

Back of the Net — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 12:57:00 GMT

Welcome to the second part of our Euro 2012 away fans’ guide. After looking at Donetsk earlier in the week, we're now focusing on Kiev, the other city where England will play in Polkraine. DID YOU KNOW? There is no such place as Polkraine. Keep reading for more top travel tips than you can slop a borscht at.

Fixtures
Monday, June 11 – Ukraine v Sweden
Friday, June 15 – Sweden v ENGLAND
Tuesday, June 19 – Sweden v France
Sunday, June 24 – 1st Group D v 2nd Group C
Sunday, July 1 – Final

Stadium: Olimpiyskiy (capacity 65,000)
Ukraine’s national stadium contains a transparent roof, a raised pitch, a retractable stand, and inflatable grass. Closed for redevelopment in 2008, it re-opened in 2011, to the relief of Dynamo Kiev, whose form had suffered considerably while they were forced to play home matches inside a locked building site.

History of Kiev
Kiev can claim to be one of Eastern Europe’s oldest cities, if you overlook the many occasions when it was razed to the ground and rebuilt in a different place. First founded in the 9th century, the city was devastated by Khazars, Varangians, Pechenegs, a Mongol horde passing westwards, Lithuanians, Kipchaks, Rus warlords, the same Mongol horde returning eastwards, Tatars, and snow.

In 1482, city elders moved to replace Kiev’s outer wall, traditionally made of jelly, with a new stone one. Many historians consider this a crucial turning point in the city’s development. Indeed, the city would be razed to the ground a mere two further times, not counting the 20th century.

What to see
A short drive from Kiev, the Chernobyl Museum contains a life-size model of Chernobyl’s famous power station and a mocked-up ghost village. Visitors can climb inside an actual decommissioned nuclear reactor, and handle replica plutonium. Warning: may not be safe. May not in fact be a museum.

Careful, or you know what will fall off

Where to eat
Kvas Khata offers a range of traditional dishes at excellent prices. Some evenings it turns into a nightclub, often with no warning and when you least expect it. Clubbers often complain that it can just as suddenly turn back into a restaurant.

Where to stay
The rooms of the quirky, boutique Hotel Metropolitan are each decorated to resemble a different epoch of Ukrainian history. Prices are good, but there is a small chance your room will be invaded and razed to the ground. Satellite TV is included.

Famous resident
Kazimir Malevich, the pioneer of abstract geometric art, was born in Kiev in 1879. His works were banned in the USSR after he moved away from depicting heroic proletarian rhomboids and began experimenting with bourgeois isosceles trapeziums.

Safety tip
Beware of thieves, who will be on the lookout for easy pickings during Euro 2012. Avoid wearing trousers, as they contain vulnerable pockets, and before going to a match, make sure your ticket is safely locked away in your hotel.

Useful phrase
Shevchenko ne mih rozrizaty na krashhyj lihy V sviti.
– Shevchenko couldn’t cut it in the best league in the world.

More from Back of the Net

During the Euros, Back of the Net will tweet live during the match.
Follow the commentary at http://twitter.com/backofthenetFFT

Euro 2012 travel guide: Donetsk
An alternative history of the Euros
Michael Carrick set to miss out on watching Euro 2012 on TV

Group A:
Poland – It's Not All Fun & Games
Russia – Excellent Control There
Greece – Cautious Football, Reckless Spending
Czech Republic – Might Not Surprise A Few People

Group B:
Netherlands – Together As One, For Now
Germany – Herr There or Thereabouts
Portugal – It's Not All About Him, You Know
Denmark – Poulsen, Poulsen & Poulsen Aim For Glory

Group C:
Spain – So Good, They Might Not Even Bother
Italy – The Bookmakers' Favourites
Croatia – Like A Game Of Chess. No, Really...
Rep of Ireland – Oh Yeah, Lucky As Anything

Group D:
Ukraine – No Definite Article
England – Struggling To Meet Low Expectations
France – Sane Coach Proving A Novelty
Sweden – Loveable Fans, Workmanlike Team

Government boycotts Euro 2012 over human rights, announces delighted Cameron

Back of the Net — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 12:35:00 GMT

With Euro 2012 about to kick off, the UK Government has had stern words. Back of the Net's John Foster suggests an ulterior motive...

The British government will not be sending representatives to England’s European Championships matches in Ukraine in protest at the ongoing human rights abuses in that country, a beaming David Cameron told reporters today.

With the eyes of Europe on Ukraine, there had been speculation that President Viktor Yanukovych would ease restrictions on the media, cease his attacks on anti-government protestors, or even free his incarcerated rival Yulia Tymoshenko.

However, the continued detention and torture of political opponents has led Britain to cancel plans to have the Prime Minister attend Euro 2012, leaving the Conservative leader “overjoyed” that he will not have to spend the summer pretending to like football.

“For a while it looked like the threat of international isolation might persuade Yanukovych to suspend his crackdown on dissidents, and then of course we would have been on a plane to Donetsk,” a Downing Street spokesman told FourFourTwo.

“But, happily, conditions for opposition activists are worse than at any time since 1991, so instead the Prime Minister will be concentrating on his duties at home, such as securing agreement on the budget, devising a new rescue plan for European banks, and ostentatiously chillaxing in front of sympathetic journalists.”

"I'm sorry, and you are…?"

Cameron’s pretence of liking football has caused controversy in the past. In 2008, reports suggested that he was a supporter of Aston Villa, but the then-leader of the opposition had merely declared that he was a big fan of claret.

Then, in 2010, Cameron was overheard telling an advisor that he had no desire to watch any of the World Cup, admitting that he’d “rather bob for apples with Eric Pickles.”

In the event that England surpass expectations at Euro 2012, however, and reach the quarter-finals or beyond, the Prime Minister is said to be prepared to set aside his objections to the humanitarian abuses of the Yanukovych regime, pretend to like football again, and to fly out to Ukraine to have his photo taken with the squad.

“The PM has proved himself more than capable of jumping on any bandwagon going,” a friend of Cameron told FourFourTwo.

“And if England are doing well, you can bet he’ll be pretending to like football right up to the point when they’re knocked out, when he’ll start pretending to like the Olympics instead.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

More from Back of the Net

During Euro 2012, Back of the Net will tweet live during the match.
Follow the commentary at http://twitter.com/backofthenetFFT

New Cardiff City kit to be giant penis costume

Back of the Net — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 15:52:00 GMT

The football club formerly known as the Bluebirds are going through some big, phallic changes, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

Controversy has erupted around Cardiff City, after the club’s owners announced that their players will no longer wear the club’s traditional blue shirts, and as of next season will take the field dressed as giant penises.

A statement issued by Malaysia-based Berjaya Group, owners of the south Wales club since 2010, confirmed that Cardiff are to drop the blue shirts they have worn for over 100 years in favour of a new penis-based design, a move they say represents “a bold new strategy for the brand.”

“The giant penis costumes’ girth, olive colouring, and thick, distinctive veins will make them unmistakable,” explained club chief executive Alan Whiteley.

“We forsee these giant penis costumes becoming the new must-have item in Cardiff, and in Malaysia, and eventually, all over the world,” he continued. “I look forward to the first home game of next season, when our penis-costumed players will be greeted by a passionate sea of giant penises roaring them on from the stands.”

The penis is symbolically important in Malaysia, where it is associated with courage, fertility, and luck, in contrast to the now-abandoned colour blue.

Cardiff's testicle-themed away kit is set to be popular with fans

“Unlike the penis, blue symbolises many things that we wish to distance ourselves from,” confirmed Whitely. “Such as melancholy, coldness, passivity, and the heritage and traditions of Cardiff City Football Club.”

Fans’ groups have been quick to object to the proposals, stating that the penis costumes are “totally inappropriate”.

“Dressing up our players as penises is nothing short of an outrage, and shows a profound ignorance of this club’s history”, a supporters’ club spokesman told FourFourTwo.com.

“Anyone who watched Cardiff’s performance in the playoffs last season, or two seasons ago, or the season before that, would know that this club has absolutely no penis to speak of.”

Berjaya Group have also instigated a new motto, “Fire and Blood”, which critics have pointed out is the same as House Targaryen’s motto in hit HBO series Game of Thrones.

“It’s a great show,” said Whitely, responding to the claims. “Intelligently plotted and lavishly designed, but also packed with gratuitous nudity. Everyone at Berjaya loves it.

“Where do you think we got the inspiration for the penises?”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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During the Euros, Back of the Net will tweet live during the match.
Follow the commentary at http://twitter.com/backofthenetFFT

Euro 2012 travel guide: Donetsk

Back of the Net — Wed, 06 Jun 2012 15:24:00 GMT

Planning to travel to Poland to watch Roy’s boys? Think again – all England matches will be played in Ukraine. Because we love you and we want you to be happy, we’ve put together this handy travel guide to Donestk. Read on to learn where to stay, what to see, and what to do while Greece are playing.

(If England win their group and then beat the runner-up in Group C – possibly Spain, probably Italy – their semi-final will take place in Poland. So to reiterate, all England matches will be played in Ukraine.)

Fixtures
Monday, June 11 – France v ENGLAND
Friday, June 15 – Ukraine v France
Tuesday, June 19 – ENGLAND v Ukraine
Saturday, June 23 – 1st Group C v 2nd Group D
Wednesday, July 27 – Semi-final 1

Stadium: Donbass Arena (capacity 50,000)
The recently-built Donbass Arena is home to Shakhtar Donetsk. Bankrolled by volatile oligarch Rinat Akhmetov, Shakhtar have dominated Ukrainian football in recent years by fielding teams made up entirely of low-rent Brazilians. To celebrate the Arena’s unveiling, a special concert was performed there by Shakhtar’s best-known celebrity fan, Beyoncé.

Donetsk history
Donetsk was founded in 1869 by Welsh coalminer John Hughes, who had got catastrophically drunk on his way home from Rhyl. The city was rebranded in 1924 as ‘Stalin’, which led to a decline in tourism, and subsequently a replacement with the jauntier ‘Stalino’. Almost completely destroyed during the Second World War, all that survived of Stalino in 1945 were the smoking ruins of the Jewish ghetto, a forced-labour factory and a stand-up comedy club, which had by that point been unused for several years.

What to see
Donetsk’s striking Opera and Ballet Theatre was constructed in 1936. It replaced an earlier building which was condemned and destroyed after Joseph Stalin became convinced it was plotting to poison him.

Where to eat
During Soviet times, Taras was famously the only restaurant in Donetsk where the food did not taste of coal dust. It remains popular today, even though it can no longer boast the same standards.

Where to stay
Higher-end travellers should consider Rinat Akhmetov’s Golden Star Deluxe, the most expensive hotel in the world. Each room is furnished with gold-plated pillows, full-length portraits of Rinat Akhmetov, and a private army. From £5 million per person sharing, breakfast not included.

Famous resident
Celebrated athlete Sergei Bubka grew up in Donetsk. In 1984, Bubka revolutionised the high jump event by being the first person to ‘vault’ using a pole. He dominated the sport for a decade, regularly clearing distances four metres higher than his frustrated rivals.

Safety tip
Donetsk is still a rather old-fashioned community in some ways, and many people there consider it very rude to be black. Try to avoid being black, or you may be harangued by offended passers-by.

Useful phrase
Vy buly prodani tut, abo zh vy chekayete, shhob buty prodani dali na zaxid?
– Have you been trafficked here, or are you waiting to be trafficked further west?

More from Back of the Net
Group A:
Poland – It's Not All Fun & Games
Russia – Excellent Control There
Greece – Cautious Football, Reckless Spending
Czech Republic – Might Not Surprise A Few People

Group C:
Spain – So Good, They Might Not Even Bother
Italy – The Bookmakers' Favourites
Croatia – Like A Game Of Chess. No, Really...
Rep of Ireland – Oh Yeah, Lucky As Anything

Group D:
Ukraine – No Definite Article
England – Struggling To Meet Low Expectations
France – Sane Coach Proving A Novelty
Sweden – Loveable Fans, Workmanlike Team

Group D: England – Struggling To Meet Low Expectations

Back of the Net — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 11:21:00 GMT

The Back of the Net boys file their final Euro 2012 team preview. Last and possibly least, it's England, as previewed by Paul Watson

A low-key run-in to the competition and widespread ignorance of where Ukraine is have left pre-tournament expectations at an all-time low, meaning they could actually be met.

Tournament Pedigree
While England may not frequently win major tournaments, they have an impressive Rous Cup record and decades of moral victories. No other nation has such a proud record of luring other less scrupulous nations into beating them in a vulgar manners, such as by means of a penalty shootout or by three clear goals, one of which was disputable.

The Three Lions came closest to matching their 1966 World Cup triumph at Euro 96, when they lost in the semi-finals to Germany on penalties – an achievement only partially undermined by the subsequent revelation that the entire competition was an elaborate tax dodge pulled by then boss Terry Venables.

The Manager
Tactically adept, humble and well versed in continental football, Hodgson is an odd choice as England manager. Most people, including top FA officials, expected Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp to take the role but a change of heart surprised everyone – not least Redknapp, who had already had 1,000 new business cards printed.

There was widespread speculation that Redknapp’s claims that he knew "a couple of fellas in the Ukraine" who could "get you anything you want" may have hindered rather than helped his application. Hodgson was unveiled and presented with a set of business cards with Harry Redknapp roughly crossed out and a training top with Redknapp’s initials on it turned inside out.

The Fans
While more than 5,000 England fans attended the 2010 World Cup, forcing airlines to bring extra charter planes into action, just six have tickets to England vs France in Donetsk and the England Supporters’ Trust has hired a Vauxhall Zafira for the occasion.

The poor turnout has been attributed to the cost of tickets, the fact Donetsk probably isn’t a real place and media assertions that any England fan travelling to the championships is certain to be killed.

Expectations
In the weeks leading up to previous competitions, England players have been regularly quoted declaring they will "bring back the trophy" or "make England proud". This time around, the squad members have been more modest in their guarantees. Leighton Baines has pledged that England "won’t be beaten by more than three goals in any game", Joe Hart is "pretty sure I won’t let one through my legs" and Scott Parker has boasted that "my luggage will be amongst the first off the carousel".

In a recent poll it was revealed that most fans would regard England’s campaign as a success if they were able to attend all their scheduled matches and board the correct flight back on June 20. A significant percentage of fans asserted that England’s priority should be to extend a proud 25-year run of no player fouling himself during an international fixture.

More from Back of the Net
Group A: Poland • Russia • Greece • Czech Republic
Group B: Netherlands • Germany • Portugal • Denmark
Group C: Spain • Italy • Croatia • Republic of Ireland
Group D: Ukraine • England • France • Sweden

Group D: France – Sane Coach Proving A Novelty

Back of the Net — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 09:34:00 GMT

The Back of the Net team continue their build-up to Euro 2012 with individual team profiles. Here, Paul Watson takes a peek at everybody's favourite side, France…

Raymond Domenech’s reign of terror and improvised theatre is over, and Laurent Blanc will be hoping to repeat the successes of the not-that-good French conquerors of the early Millennium.

Tournament Pedigree
After Michel Platini’s heroics in 1984, France’s next golden period arrived just before the start of the new Millennium, as they took full advantage of the low standard of international football at the time to win World Cup 1998 and Euro 2000.

Few French fans will forget L’Equipe’s immortal headline in 1998: 'France champions of the world, rest of world really bad at football though' or a slightly embarrassed Didier Deschamps holding aloft the Henri Delaunay Trophy in 2000 mumbling: "Oh, so that’s it then, we’ve won it?"

Raymond Domenech era
French football fortunes were to decline again with the surprise appointment of Raymond Domenech in 2004 – a surprise due to Domenech’s lack of a track record at the highest level and the fact the new coach was unashamedly less into football and more into plays and 'stuff like that'.

Domenech baffled critics with his odd team selections. He often dropped talented players due of their star sign and replaced them with unknowns, players who weren’t even French and occasionally concepts such as ‘jealousy’, who replaced David Trezeguet for a qualifier against Macedonia.

By the 2006 World Cup, Domenech had clearly gone mad. He replaced training with jazz-dance classes and woke his side up at 4.30am to stage a ragged version of Arthur Miller’s ‘The Crucible’ on the eve of their first group game against Switzerland. Amazingly France still reached the final, allowing Domenech to remain at the helm.

But in 2010, things became untenable. Les Bleus exited at the group stage after a catastrophic week which saw players refuse to train, Nicolas Anelka expelled from the squad and Franck Ribery cede the special collectivity of New Caledonia to the Dutch. The tournament ended with Domenech reading out an open letter from the players penned by Anelka railing against the coach’s leadership style, the showers in the hotel and the decision to select Anelka.

In a final act of petulance Anelka deliberately omitted any comas or full stops from his two-page rant, leaving Domenech dangerously short of breath as he reached the end.

Recovery from Domenech era
Laurent Blanc’s first task was to restore order, which he did emphatically by ordering the execution of the entire 2010 squad, and by accident also Karim Benzema, who had actually missed out on selection. Since then Blanc has been a much safer pair of hands than Domenech, assembling an effective if unspectacular side and only occasionally making questionable insinuations about squad demographics.

Worth a bet?
You can get 3/1 on the entire French squad arriving in and leaving Ukraine together.

Group D: Sweden – Loveable Fans, Workmanlike Team

Back of the Net — Thu, 31 May 2012 14:00:00 GMT

The Back of the Net team continue their build-up to Euro 2012 with individual team profiles. Here, Paul Watson takes a long loving look at Sweden…

No competition is complete without the relentlessly loveable Swedes there to grab a couple of workmanlike draws.

Past Competitions
With the exception of the 1950s, when any gathering of more than 20 people with a spherical object was recognised as a World Cup, Sweden were most successful in the early 1990s when they were semi-finalists at Euro 92 and USA 94.

Since the turn of the millennium, the Swedish story has been a much duller one punctuated by moments of astonishing lethargy, such as never getting round to filling in the entry forms for World Cup 2010.

Under rent-by-the-hour coach Lars Lagerbäck, Sweden were often accused of overly negative tactics; Lagerbäck controversially prevented the delivery of any match balls to Euro 2008, somewhat marring the group stages.

Fans
Swedo-English relations have always been healthy, with the exception of the years 1810-1812 during which the two nations went to war, both believing the other to be France. Swedish people are regarded as a pleasing novelty in the rest of Europe too. In Italy it is still common practice to keep a house Swede for daily tasks such as darning or spindling. This led to talented striker Kennet Andersson mistakenly spending three years in Bologna in the 1990s as a house servant to a wealthy Doge.

A sizeable contingent of Swedish fans are expected to travel to Ukraine, where they will playfully style their blonde hair, speak near-perfect English with a slight American accent and be generally loveable.

Man to Watch: Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Throughout his career Ibrahimovic has been dogged by accusations that he can’t perform in big matches and although he scored 28 times for Milan last season, it has been pointed out that 26 of those goals came when his side were already 15-0 up in a dead rubber against Novara.

Indeed Ibra has always divided opinion. After his spectacular bicycle kick against Fiorentina he was slated for diving to try and win a penalty, his magnificent strike against Palermo was undermined by an angry reaction to being substituted and after his 30-yard rocket against Lecce, he was criticised for the 75 minutes he spent sitting in a deckchair on the halfway line.

Kit
The Swedes play in yellow and blue, which coincidentally are also the colours of their national flag. Sadly for the organisers of Euro 2012, Sweden’s first and second kits are identical to Ukraine’s. For the first time in recent history the group game between the two sides will have to be shirts v skins.

Did You Know?
Sweden has enjoyed a significant rise in tourism as a result of the success of Stieg Larsson’s Millennium Trilogy. Visitors have come from all over the world to see the offices of fictional journalist Mikael Blomkvist, with some paying to be murdered for mysterious reasons that become apparent very suddenly and unsatisfactorily.

Michael Carrick set to miss out on watching Euro 2012 on TV

Back of the Net — Thu, 31 May 2012 10:33:00 GMT

He was a surprise omission from Roy Hodgson's squad, and now, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reveals, things are about to get even worse for the Geordie midfield metronome...

Manchester United midfielder Michael Carrick has suffered a huge blow with the news that he won’t be allowed to watch this summer’s European Championships on the widescreen TV in his house in Wilmslow.

Carrick was so confident that he wouldn’t be included in the England squad for Euro 2012 that he told the FA several months ago that he didn’t want to included as a substitute, but now that decision may haunt him as his summer plans lie in ruins.

The former Spurs man had been working on an elaborate scheme to turn his lounge into a home cinema for viewing events in Ukraine and Poland, but he has been stunned by the news delivered late last night that wife Lisa Roughead has lined up a summer schedule of back-to-back reality shows, programmes about people getting makeovers, rom-coms and costume dramas.

“It’s clearly a setback,” a downcast Carrick told FourFourTwo.com.

“Over the course of the season my primary focus was obviously the Premier League title, but you also have your own personal ambitions.

“I’ve made no secret of the fact that I wanted to create a little cosy den in the living room, possibly with a little beer fridge in the corner, and watch Euro 2012.”

Carrick had initially believed he would be able to soften the blow by negotiating a settlement that would allow him to at least watch England games and attractive group games like Holland vs Germany and Croatia vs Spain, but even this now seems unlikely and he may have to fight for his place on the sofa watching the final.

“To be fair to the missus [Lisa Roughead], she’s drawn up a mean schedule – I’m finding it hard to pick holes in it,” Carrick admitted.

“I imagined there’d be no debate about me watching Spain v Republic of Ireland but Lisa has quite rightly pointed out that it clashes with ‘2 Broke Girls’ on E4.

“Again, I was keen to see England’s potentially pivotal final group game against Ukraine, but how can you argue with ’50 First Dates’ on UK Gold? You’d have to be made of stone not to enjoy Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore’s light-hearted take on anterograde amnesia.

“I’m almost starting to think I should have just agreed to represent my nation in the competition.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

More from Back of the Net

Group D: Ukraine – No Definite Article

Back of the Net — Thu, 31 May 2012 09:26:00 GMT

The Back of the Net team continue their build-up to Euro 2012 with individual team profiles. Here, John Foster examines Group D's top seeds, co-hosts Ukraine…

An ageing squad is not expected to achieve much on the pitch, while off it, Ukraine has attracted criticism for scheduling the European Championships to clash with its 2012 Human Rights Abuse-a-rama. Protests at home have been muted, however, after a number of journalists who initially reported the story were violently mauled by government-sponsored bears.

Road to the finals
Ukraine qualified as co-hosts with Poland, after the Poles’ initial plan to co-host with Western Samoa was rejected by UEFA.

Tournament pedigree
This is the first time Ukraine will compete in a European Championships finals as an independent nation. Ukrainians comprised the majority of players in the USSR team that finished runners-up at Euro 88, but everyone knows the USSR is really just Russia.

Manager
Ukrainians are often stereotyped as resembling either former KGB men or impossibly leggy ice maidens, and platinum blonde Victoria’s Secret model Oleg Blokhin, 59, is no exception.

Men to watch
Dynamo Kyiv’s Andriy Yarmolenko will hope to avoid being overshadowed by legendary team-mate Andriy Shevchenko, by not standing next to him when the floodlights are on. Look out too for tall, fair-haired midfield leader Anatoliy Tymoshchuk, back in the side after finally proving he is not the same person as imprisoned ex-Prime Minister Yulia Tymoschenko, and subsequently recovering from a persistent bear-inflicted knee injury.

Did you know?
Ukraine is also known as The Ukraine, to distinguish it from the numerous counterfeit Ukraines that proliferated after the breakup of the USSR. One such ‘Ukraine’ managed to enter the qualifying tournament for USA 94, losing to Iceland and Hungary before being revealed as a bootleg team from China.

Group C: Spain – So Good, They Might Not Even Bother

Back of the Net — Wed, 30 May 2012 13:00:00 GMT

The Back of the Net team continue their build-up to Euro 2012 with individual team profiles. Here, television mirth merchant Mark Watson casts an eye over the World and European champions, Spain…

Until 2008, Spain were famous under-achievers at major tournaments, leading commentators to remark that 'you never knew which Spain would turn up’. Even when they hosted the World Cup in 1982, the Spanish were famously under-prepared; other countries arriving for the opening ceremony were startled to find the whole country still in bed and muttering something about ‘helping yourself to coffee or whatever’. At Euro 96 Spain sent a Subbuteo team in place of their human equivalents, but still reached the quarter-finals and may have progressed even further had three of their players not been crushed to death by Mum while she was tidying up.

The golden age
All this changed dramatically in 2008, when Spain became European Champions. Two years later they went one better and won the World Cup, despite losing their opening game to Switzerland because their netball team turned up by mistake. The Spanish held their nerve in a brutal final which saw nine of the opposing Dutch team dismissed and three held in custody after attempting to kill keeper Iker Casillas and dump his body in the woods. Now on seemingly unstoppable form, Spain went on to win Europe in Bloom with a sensational display of crocuses, and President Jose Luis Zapatero destroyed his counterparts Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and Julia Gillard to win the G8 Hungry Hippos Championship in Qatar, dropping only three out of 20 balls in a one-sided final.

Criticism
Though Spain’s eye-pleasing ‘tiki-taka’ style has attracted much praise, they have still had their critics. Several leading analysts have claimed that Spain’s possession football owes its success to the fact that they regularly field 12 players, getting away with it because Xavi’s single name does not show up on UEFA’s computer system. These experts point to Brazil’s successful exploitation of a similar loophole in 1994, when satellite evidence shows they played 13 men in the final by writing Bebeto and Romario’s names really small on the back of the teamsheet.

Road to the finals
After their spell of almost total domination, other countries are now loath to play Spain, and they enjoyed a free passage to Euro 2012 as UEFA ruled that there was ‘not a lot of point of them dicking about going to Azerbaijan and so on.’ Manager Vicente del Bosque has not even called a training session for over a year, leaving players ‘free to pursue their own interests’ and ‘find a world away from soccer’. One source close to the camp claims that Andres Iniesta has spent the past months working on a bold new opera, which he plans to unveil for the first time as the Spanish ease past Croatia.

Will they win it?
Yes.

Group C: Republic of Ireland – Oh Yeah, Lucky As Anything

Back of the Net — Wed, 30 May 2012 06:55:00 GMT

The Back of the Net squad's Euro 2012 previews continue, with him-off-the-telly Mark Watson studying the Republic of Ireland

The Irish were popular qualifiers for Euro 2012, having only missed out on a spot in the previous World Cup at the play-off stage by dint of a French goal which experts believe to have been the most illegal of all time.

TV replays showed that as Thierry Henry crossed for William Gallas he handled the ball between eight and 10 times, and was also in an offside position, carrying a handgun without the appropriate paperwork, travelling under a false passport and had got his child into a good school with the old ‘registering the grandmother’s address’ trick. An enquiry by the FAI showed that the ‘Luck Of the Irish’ had expired in 2002 and not been renewed because of a clerical error.

Tournament Pedigree
Between 1988 – when Jack Charlton led them to their first tournament – and 2002, the Irish were regulars at major tournaments and enjoyed massive favouritism from commentators, who made incessant reference to "Guinness flowing back home" and used the adjective "plucky" to describe Ireland’s distinctive long-ball football, after producers put an embargo on the alternative phrase "unwatchably boring and primitive".

The speed record for Irish clichés in a match commentary is 45 seconds during a USA 94 group game, when Clive Tyldesley predicted that "Irish eyes will be smiling tonight" after John Aldridge forced a throw-in midway inside Mexico’s half.

Euro 2012 Chances
Giovanni Trapattoni leads the new crop of Irish talent to Euro 2012, becoming the oldest manager ever in the finals of the competition and, at 110, the third oldest man currently living. The veteran boss still reveals his team selection by town crier and, considered too old by doctors to attend the matches, finds out his side’s results in the following day’s newspapers. "Il Trap" has assembled the strongest Irish squad since Charlton’s reign, despite being forced by FIFA rule changes to draw upon Irish players.

Did You Know?
The film adaptation of Angela’s Ashes, which depicts the struggles of a Limerick family during the 1930s and 40s, was so boring that even director Alan Parker was unable to watch key scenes during the filming, and according to sources resorted to "setting up a fixed camera and saying things like 'OK, the kid has typhoid and holes in his shoes, you don’t have a proper toilet, off you go, I’ll see you in an hour'.’’

Group C: Italy – The Bookmakers' Favourites

Back of the Net — Tue, 29 May 2012 11:17:00 GMT

The Back of the Net boys continue their light-hearted look ahead to Euro 2012. Here, John Foster on a team who have historically reacted well to scandal-based adversity: Italy...

After another disappointing season in Europe for Italian club sides, and another betting scandal that has rocked Serie A, Italian football would seem to be in disarray. But given the quality of players available, to bet against them would be foolish. Unless, say, you happened to have a particularly powerful hunch that you could guess all their match results in advance.

Tournament pedigree
Winners as tournament hosts in 1968, Italy came closest to glory again in 2000, when a team led by Paolo Maldini, Fabio Cannavaro and Alessandro Nesta lost in the final to France. The winning goal was scored by David Trezeguet, whom Italy had left unmarked in the belief he was Argentinian.

Road to Poland and Ukraine
Italy cruised to qualification, conceding just two goals along the way. Suspicions were raised before their clash with Northern Ireland over heavy betting patterns in favour of the Ulstermen, but despite the goalkeeper spending much of the second half in the centre circle, and Italy’s concession of 12 penalties, the match finished goalless.

Man to watch
The Italian back line is built around shambling defensive ogre Giorgio Chiellini, the Juventus star representing a marked departure from the days of dreamy, clean-cut beefcakes like Maldini and Nesta. The horrifyingly misshapen Chiellini will be hoping to repulse all-comers, either with his masterful reading of the game, or by gurning at them till they’re sick.

Colours
Italy will be in their traditional blue, as reflected in the team’s nickname, the Azzurri (the Blues). This rather literal approach to nicknames extends to many club sides too, so that Milan are known as the Rossoneri (the Red-and-Blacks), Inter as the Nerazzurri (the Black-and-Blues), and Bradford City as the Mocciosanguinati (the Streaks of Bloodied Snot).

Worth a bet?
Better ask them.

Group C: Croatia – Like A Game Of Chess. No, Really...

Back of the Net — Tue, 29 May 2012 08:30:00 GMT

The Back of the Net boys continue their light-hearted look ahead to Euro 2012. This morning, John Foster on a team looking to prove they have the lungs to last longer than they did four years ago: Croatia...

Since the days of Robert Prosinecki and Zvonimir Boban, Croatia has tended to produce a great number of cultured midfielders with a penchant for cigarettes and violence.

This has often led to the team faltering in the knockout stages of major tournaments, as key players succumbed to suspension or bronchitis. This year’s squad will hope to improve on 2008’s quarter-final exit after ordering a record supply of nicotine patches, and grafting an additional lung onto Darijo Srna.

Tournament pedigree
Croatia failed to qualify for a single European Championships prior to 1996, owing to the laughable excuse that it did not yet exist as an independent nation.

Manager
It is thought that suave, charismatic chain-smoker Slaven Bilic, who has guided his country for six years while simultaneously playing lead guitar for hardcore band Rawbau, only became manager of Croatia as a way to meet girls.

Kit
Croatia’s distinctive red-and-white chequered shirts are modelled on a chessboard. Despite regular assertions to the contrary by assorted pundits and commentators, this is the one and only known instance where something football-related can legitimately be compared to a game of chess.

Anthem
The stirring Lijepa naša domovino is the setting to music of a nationalistic joke first recorded in 1835. In the joke, a Serbian man goes to buy a goat from a Croat village. The village refuses to sell him any of their goats because he is stupid and ugly. It is later revealed that the Serb is in fact himself a goat, or, in some versions, a box of plums. The joke is said to be untranslatable.

Worth a bet?
Available at 50-1 to win the tournament, Croatia are a better-value 1-50 not to.

Berbatov transfer listed for talking about death too much

Back of the Net — Mon, 28 May 2012 10:45:00 GMT

The happy-go-lucky striker looks set to depart Old Trafford, according to Back of the Net's John Foster...

Manchester United forward Dimitar Berbatov has been told to find a new club, after Sir Alex Ferguson finally lost patience with the Bulgarian’s fixation with death and the inexorable march toward oblivion that is the fate of all mankind, according to reports from Old Trafford.

Berbatov, 31, lost his place in the United first team during the latter part of last season, ostensibly for tactical reasons, but unofficially because playing alongside him made teammates uncomfortably aware of the inevitability of their personal mortality.

“It gives me the creeps”, admitted team-mate Chris Smalling. “Dimi never calls for the ball, he just shouts out words like ‘entropy’ and ‘nothingness’.”

“You get all sorts of banter in the dressing-room, but Dimi just talks about subjective reality and the impossibility of justice in a world without God, and then everything goes a bit quiet.”

“It’s especially tough on Ryan Giggs. He knows the end is near, he doesn’t need Dimi to give him a different Kafka story every week.”

Berbatov’s attitude has been contrasted by many to that of Paul Scholes, who came out of retirement in January to roll back the years in United’s midfield.

“Scholesy’s playing like he’s always played,” Manchester United assistant boss Mike Phelan told FourFourTwo.com, “But then, Scholesy has no concept of time. Everything Paul does takes place in the ever-changing now, with no sense of the past or the future.

“Every year he is surprised and delighted by the changing of the seasons. Death holds no fear for him. It’s as if he were a disciple of the great philosopher Epicurus, or an alsatian.”

Meanwhile, Berbatov has also incurred his manager’s wrath by ignoring the on-field action while seated on the bench, preferring to re-read Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther.

He is also believed to have skipped training more than once to work on a new Bulgarian translation of Les Fleurs Du Mal by Charles Baudelaire, an author who Ferguson has repeatedly criticised as affected and self-indulgent.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

More from Back of the Net

An Alternative History of the European Championships

Back of the Net — Mon, 28 May 2012 10:24:00 GMT

With the European Championships starting next Friday, Back of the Net's Paul Watson gives a brief history of the tournament to date.

1960: Tournament created by poor administration
The European Championships was born after the French FA initially got the year of the World Cup wrong and then clean forgot to invite any non-European nations. The tournament was hastily rebranded as the European Nations Cup.

Seventeen nations entered qualification, eight and a half qualified and the tournament was won after three and a quarter games by the Soviet Union and a third of Yugoslavia.

1976: Panenka penalty eventually wins first shootout
Football history was made when outsiders Czechoslovakia beat West Germany to win the championship after the first penalty shootout at the major tournament. Antonin Panenka’s winning penalty was a soft, chipped kick that has since been imitated by the likes of Gary Lineker.

Christened the 'Falling Leaf', the shot was so soft that befuddled German goalkeeper Sepp Maier dived right, regained his feet and dived to his left before Panenka’s floated kick fluttered into the middle of the goal.

1984: Platini’s tournament
Euro 84 will forever be remembered as Michel Platini’s competition. The French legend netted nine goals en route to glory, including hat-tricks against Belgium and Yugoslavia, refereed the semi-final between Spain and Denmark and hosted the majority of the matches in the ample back garden of his house in Saint-Étienne.

1988: Van Basten invents new angle
Holland finally secured some silverware, lifting the trophy in the home of rivals West Germany. The tournament’s defining moment was a magnificent volley from Holland’s Marco van Basten against the USSR, scored from an angle that hadn’t previously existed.

Weeks after the goal, mathematicians confirmed the existence of the ‘Van Basten’ angle (380 degrees). The USSR was formally dissolved in 1991 as a result of stagnated economic growth, failed attempts at internal reform, greater political and social freedoms, a lack of foreign exchange reserves and Van Basten’s goal.

1992: Denmark win despite not being in competition
The competition in Sweden was a landmark in football history as Denmark lifted the trophy despite not having qualified or indeed turned up. Danish coach Richard Moller-Nielsen was informed of the triumph while on the beach in Alicante.

England’s campaign ended ignominiously, finishing bottom of their group. A 2-1 defeat to the hosts sealed the Three Lions’ fate and led to tabloid journalists famously superimposing a turnip on Graham Taylor’s face – a move that was widely condemned as racist after it emerged that Taylor’s great-grandfather was a radish. The result was decided by Tomas Brolin’s magnificent goal, which he celebrated with six years of overeating.

1996: Football comes home, leaves again
England hosted its first competition since the 1966 World Cup, causing hysteria amongst fans who, spuriously, believed the outcome of the competition would therefore be the same. To mark the occasion, Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds produced the first of 45 versions of their catchy song Three Lions. At any given time during the three weeks of the competition the song was audible to every man, woman and child in England.

Boosted by frenzied support and a grey away kit that rendered them invisible except on very sunny days, England seemed headed for glory. However, a thrilling semi-final with old enemies Germany finished 1-1 after extra-time. Rather than face the inevitable penalty shoot-out defeat, England honourably chose to forfeit the game, walking off to huge cheers from the home fans.

The final was something of an anti-climax. With England out, only 45 people attended the match between Germany and the Czech Republic. Germany won it when Oliver Bierhoff netted the first ever Golden Goal in extra-time. The game continued for around eight minutes after the goal before referee Pierluigi Pairetto gathered the teams together and explained that the Germans had won.

2004: Greece win, ruin tournament
Massive outsiders Greece triumphed in Portugal despite having just one shot on target during the entire competition. Having taken a shock lead against the hosts in the opening game, a dour Greek side managed to successfully keep the ball in the corner for the entire three weeks of the tournament.

Daily TV coverage was replaced with a weekly check-in to make sure Angelos Charisteas was still bent over the ball while players from the 15 other nations hacked around him fruitlessly.

2008: Human Rights groups condemn Group of Death
England’s failure to qualify for the finals in Austria and Switzerland was quickly put into perspective when Italy, France, Romania and Holland were drawn in a ‘Group of Death’. Pressure mounted on the organisers to find a humane solution to the situation but the games went ahead despite an impassioned entreaty from UN secretary-general Kofi Annan.

Holland and Italy emerged from the realm of the damned but players were clearly scarred by what they had seen. Several Dutch players had to be escorted from the field in tears during their defeat against Russia, while Italian striker Luca Toni spent most of the game against Spain standing stock still with mouth ajar. It was only when Toni failed to complain about having his shirt very gently pulled that anyone realised something was wrong.

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Group B: Portugal – It's Not All About Him, You Know...

Back of the Net — Fri, 25 May 2012 14:00:00 GMT

Back of the Net continue their light-hearted Euro 2012 preview. This afternoon, John Foster on a team looking to prove they can be more valuable than the 'Golden Generation': Portugal...

After stuttering in the early stages of qualification under Carlos Queiroz - widely derided as a poor man’s Mike Phelan - Portugal, now under the charge of Paulo Bento, are expected to face an uphill struggle to overcome the Netherlands and Germany, but a downhill saunter to beat Denmark.

Tournament pedigree
This is Portugal’s fifth consecutive appearance at a European Championships, though the team has never won any major international silverware. During the so-called ‘golden generation’ of the early 2000s, Portuguese players were considered attractive and a valuable investment, but many were also criticised for being dense and unreactive, and prone to dissolving when immersed in mercury.

Manager
Coach Paulo Bento has some work to do in deciding how best to deploy a squad made up entirely of deep-lying playmakers. Saturday’s friendly clash with Macedonia may see all eleven players deployed ‘in the hole’, between the area usually called midfield, and the place where the strikers would be had Portugal managed to produce a decent one since Eusebio.

Man to watch
It is hard to look beyond egocentric Real Madrid megastar Cristiano Ronaldo, mostly because of his insistence on standing four steps closer to the camera than any of his colleagues during team photos. Throughout his career, Ronaldo has irritated fans and opponents alike with his selfishness, his narcissism, his gamesmanship, and, most infuriatingly of all, his astonishing natural ability that countless times has seen him turn defeat into victory all by his sickening self.

National Anthem
Over the last few years, onetime anthem A Portuguesa has been replaced at football matches with 1988 smash hit Suedehead, by lugubrious ex-Smiths frontman Morrissey. At the 2010 World Cup, many players were attacked by the Portuguese media for not knowing the words, with daily newspaper O Jogo publically wondering whether players like Fábio Coentrão even possessed a copy of Bona Drag.

Worth a bet?
Both Portugal and group-stage opponents Germany have been involved in some high-scoring, logic-defying thrillers over recent years. You can get 2/1 on there being more than 2.5 goals, 3/1 on there being more than 3.5 goals, and 5/1 on there being exactly 4.5 goals.

Group B: Denmark – Poulsen, Poulsen & Poulsen aim for glory

Back of the Net — Fri, 25 May 2012 11:30:00 GMT

The Back of the Net boys continue their tongue-in-cheek look ahead to Euro 2012. Here, John Foster on a team who have upset the odds once and are therefore statisticaly far less likely to do so again: Denmark...

Having enjoyed their greatest success when relying mostly on players called Laudrup, Denmark face an uphill struggle to repeat the glories of the 80s and early 90s, now relying mostly on players called Poulsen.

Tournament pedigree
The Danes have got past the group stage only once in the past four European Championships. However, they sensationally won the competition in 1992 despite only being last-minute participants, their long-honed ability to not engage in a brutal civil war seeing them get the nod over Yugoslavia.

Road to Poland and Ukraine
Denmark topped their qualifying group ahead of former client state Norway, which they ruled from 1523 to 1814; former protectorate Iceland, which they ruled from 1380 to1874; former vassal state Cyprus, governed by Danish Vikings from 1192 to 1489; and former colony Portugal, which was technically ruled by Denmark for three weeks in August 1920 owing to a mistranslated passage in the Treaty of Sèvres.

Man to watch
Wide man Jakob Poulsen will be looking to build on his fine domestic season, assisted by the veteran Christian Poulsen, while rising star Simon Poulsen will provide competition for places. Psychobilly rocker Michael Poulsen sings the team’s official anthem, ‘Der er et yndigt Poulsen’.

Worth a bet?
There’s little value to be gained in what looks like being the tightest group of the bunch, but consider 12/1 against Denmark fielding a starting XI consisting entirely of players named Poulsen.

Did you know?
The great Denmark team of the eighties was known as ‘Danish Dynamite’, in reference to the tendency of several high-spirited younger players to sneak into Legoland after closing time and blow up plastic brick-based scale-models of major cities.

Frédéric Kanouté ‘not at all sure who he has signed for’

Back of the Net — Thu, 24 May 2012 15:09:00 GMT

The Mali striker seems to have lost his bearings, as Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports...

Suspicions have surfaced that former Tottenham and West Ham star Frédéric Kanouté is unable to name the club he has just signed for, after the experienced striker gave a press conference consisting entirely of platitudes and generic statements.

Kanouté has left Sevilla after seven years with the Spanish giants and reports suggest he has signed for Iranian side Mes Kerman FC – a claim the 35-year-old neither confirmed nor denied at today’s press conference.

“I’m delighted to have signed for [Mes Kerman FC],” Kanouté mumbled while being unveiled by Mes Kerman officials.

“I am really very much looking forward to playing… football for them [Mes Kerman FC]. In fact, of all the teams I have played football for, this is the football team I am most excited to be playing football for in the football league in which the team in question now competes.

“My mind was made up by the illustrious tradition that I assume this club has and the passionate support that I imagine they enjoy.”

The renowned hitman netted 128 times during his seven-year stay in Adalusia and would be expected to torment defences in Iran’s Pro League.

Alan Wright was surprised to be lining up alongside Kanoute and Lee Hendrie

“Sure, I am hoping to make an impact,” Kanouté nodded.

“I’m confident that I will be able to [pause] get the ball into the [goal] on a fairly regular basis.”

As the press conference reached its conclusion, a journalist told Kanouté that many people expected him to retire this summer after such a successful career.

“Yes, me too, that would have made more sense,” Kanouté trailed off.

Kanouté hasn’t always been thorough in researching new clubs. He spent much of the 2000-2001 season at West Ham believing he was playing for Aston Villa and few will forget the famous footage of Kanouté in his West Ham shirt being presented to the royal delegation ahead of Villa’s FA Cup Final against Chelsea by a baffled Gareth Southgate.

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Group B: Germany – Herr There or Thereabouts

Back of the Net — Thu, 24 May 2012 13:22:00 GMT

More tongue-in-cheek Euros previewage from the Back of the Net boys. Here, John Foster on a team you could never call a dark horse: Germany...

Famously always there or thereabouts, Germany were last there in 1996, and an exciting squad will fancy their chances of being there again in 2012 after 2008's final defeat to Spain consigned them to thereabouts.

Road to Poland and Ukraine
Germany qualify automatically, since a European Championships without Germany would be like a summer’s day without the sound of children’s laughter.

Tournament pedigree
Winners of three European Championships and an equal number of World Cups, Germany’s consistent success is attributed by many experts to the fact that they’re always really good. A brief experiment with being really bad ended in humiliating failure at Euro 2000, and has not been repeated since.

The Manager
Since replacing Jürgen Klinsmann in 2006, Joachim Löw has proved himself to be one of the brightest coaches in world football, despite constantly looking like an apprehensive homeopath. “Jogi Löw” is also the most fun name to say aloud of any of the Euro 2012 bosses, though it is also fun to attempt to say “Laurent Blanc” while holding your nose.

Man to watch
Bastian Schweinsteiger will be desperate to go all the way, after a season of near misses that saw him finish runner-up in the Bundesliga, lose in the final of the German Cup and the Champions League, and come second in a creative writing contest with a short story about a time-travelling architect who solves mysteries.

Did you know?
Germany’s classic kit of white shirts and black shorts is modelled after the Fulham team that swept all before them in the Southern League Division 1 in 1906/07.

Worth a bet?
Germany are available at 3/1 to be there, and an even more tempting 6/5 to be thereabouts. Consider backing them each way.

Group B: Netherlands – Together As One, For Now

Back of the Net — Thu, 24 May 2012 08:35:00 GMT

The Back of the Net team's countdown to Euro 2012 continues with Paul Watson on Group B's top seeds, those ever-interesting men from the Netherlands...

This year’s qualification campaign boasted 80% fewer inter-squad homicides than ever before and there’s a new united spirit under coach Bert van Marwijk, whose side will look to carve a blood-soaked path to glory.

Tournament Pedigree
Holland’s sole trophy to date is the 1988 European Championship. Since then, the Dutch have often fallen short on the biggest stage, held back by a lack of team spirit that regularly manifests itself in training ground arguments, on-field shouting matches and occasional acts of ultra-violence between teammates.

In Euro 96, captain Danny Blind celebrated each of England’s four goals in a 4-1 defeat, even performing a provocative solo rumba dance in front of a downbeat Edwin Van der Sar. Euro 2008’s quarter-final loss to Russia was widely blamed on defenders Andre Oijer and Joris Mathijsen, who spent much of extra-time penning scathing letters to De Telegraaf about each other.

Euro 2012 chances
These days there is a new spirit of harmony in the camp. Bert van Marwijk is the coach behind this revolution, gradually moulding a flamboyant powder-keg of a side into a solid, no-nonsense outfit. Deadly on the counter-attack, in defence they roam in small packs, picking out potential targets in the opposition side and lynching them.

The new-look Holland reached the final of the 2010 World Cup but lost out to Spain despite a series of tackles that had to be censored in most European countries, including Nigel de Jong kicking Xabi Alonso’s head clean off.

Kit
Unsurprisingly, the 2012 kit is orange. Dutch fans are required by law to wear orange during matches. In fact at Euro 2008 a lone supporter wearing a shirt that was closer to scarlet was later tracked down by secret services and deported.

Did You Know?
The Dutch have the oldest anthem in the world, Wilhelmus. Penned in 1574, it’s about William of Orange’s bid to liberate Holland from Spanish control. Although it runs to around 15 minutes in total, at sporting occasions only the first and sixth stanzas are sung, cutting out the unpopular second, third, fourth and fifth verses which are an aside about a tasty breakfast in Dordrecht.

Group A: Czech Republic – Might Not Surprise A Few People

Back of the Net — Wed, 23 May 2012 14:19:00 GMT

The Back of the Net team continue their countdown to Euro 2012 with Paul Watson studying Group A's last and possibly least team, Czech Republic...

Past tournaments have shown that you underestimate the Czechs at your peril. However, that’s unlikely to happen because this Czech team is exactly as good as you think they are.

Tournament Pedigree
Despite being rank outsiders, Czechoslovakia won the tournament in 1976. However, since the Czech Republic’s divorce with Slovakia in the early 1990s it only has the title on weekends and holidays.

The Czechs reached the final of Euro 96 but it was under centuries-old coach Karel Brückner that they truly became a force to be reckoned with. Despite often referring to his team as Austria-Hungary, Bohemia or middle-Pangaea, Brückner had a mastery of tactics. A strike partnership of the thirteen-foot Jan Koller and dog-like ball-chaser Milan Baros proved devastating – backed up by Pavel Nedved, who excelled in a position around three inches offside.

The Czechs played sensational football to reach the semi-finals of Euro 2004 but fell to Greece, who bundled home a Silver Goal in extra-time. It was especially unlucky as the Silver Goal rule had only been invented halfway through the first half, replacing the unpopular Golden Goal rule and predating the baffling Ruthenium Goal rule.

Road to the Finals
The Czechs started their 2012 qualification campaign badly with a 2-0 defeat against Lithuania and struggled to make up ground despite ruthlessly thrashing Liechtenstein 2-0, twice.

A pivotal point came with a hugely controversial late penalty to draw 2-2 with Scotland. Jan Rezek dived to win the spot-kick, becoming public enemy No.1 in Scotland, and didn’t help matters in his post-match interview where he insisted Danny Wilson had tripped him before adding that he had "thought Scotland was a province in England" and that Irn Bru was "just stale Fanta".

Coach: Michal Bilek
Bilek is not the most popular of coaches. Indeed, in a recent poll 96% of Czechs wanted to see him sacked. Of the remaining 4%, 3% stated a desire to see him killed instead and 1% gave answers that actually related to former Middlesbrough striker Mikkel Beck.

Man To Watch: Petr Cech
Champions League hero Cech will be looking to eradicate memories of Euro 2008. Leading Turkey 2-1 in the dying minutes of a must-win group match, the usually flawless ‘keeper gifted Nihat Kahveci an equaliser by letting the ball squirm from his grasp. Moments later Cech was again at fault as Nihat scored a winner. On an error-strewn evening Cech also accidentally sent a case of expensive wine to Nihat’s address rather than his and correctly filed the Turkish player’s tax return.

Group A: Greece – Cautious Football, Reckless Spending

Back of the Net — Wed, 23 May 2012 09:00:00 GMT

The Back of the Net team are warming up for Euro 2012 with a few friendly looks at the teams involved. Here, John Foster looks at the high-spending, low-scoring enigma that is Greece...

The Greeks will hope to detract attention from their country’s dismal economic situation by refocusing people’s minds on their dismal football team.

Tournament pedigree
Greece’s solitary international success came in Portugal at Euro 2004, which they’ve not shut up about since, in the same way that Billy Bob Thornton never lets anyone forget about the fact that he used to be married to Angelina Jolie. The glory days did not last long, however, as Greece were retrospectively disqualified from the 2008 event after managing to stink the place out even more they had four years previously.

Manager
Mournfully-countenanced Portuguese coach Fernando Santos has introduced a greater degree of flexibility than his predecessor Otto Rehhagel, replacing the latter’s tried and tested 8-1-1 with a more adventurous 7-2-1, occasionally daring to experiment with the swashbuckling – some might say reckless – 6-2-1-1.

Man to watch
Celtic striker Georgios Samaras is the tallest player in the squad, and possesses the largest forehead, so will presumably be seeing more of the ball than any of his team-mates.

Worth a bet?
Available at 66-1 to repeat their 2004 performance and lift the trophy, Greece are a more realistic 33-1 to repeat their 2008 performance and be found not to have qualified for the tournament at all.

Did You Know?
 According to the Greek FA, the nation boasts two World Cup wins, in 480 and 387 BC. FIFA refuses to recognise these, however, insisting that winning the Battle of Salamis and establishing the Platonic Academy, impressive achievements though they are, do not count as football matches.

Group A: Russia – Excellent Control There

Back of the Net — Tue, 22 May 2012 13:25:00 GMT

The Back of the Net team continue their build-up to Euro 2012 with individual team profiles. Here, Mark Watson – yep, him off the telly – looks beyond Poland and Ukraine to the brooding presence of Russia…

After years of mediocrity, Russia exploded into life at Euro 2008, where strike partners Andrei Arshavin and Roman Pavlyuchenko captured the public’s imagination. Each earned a big-money move to the Premier League, where they promptly gave the public’s imagination back. At the time of writing Arshavin has completed more than 4,500 minutes for Arsenal without passing the ball, and was put out of action during the Gunners’ clash with QPR when three of his team-mates combined to bring him down just outside the box.

Tournament Pedigree
Russia’s precise football history is difficult to determine, since from 1945 until the breakup of the Soviet Union access to their results was restricted to government officials. The BBC and ITV were forced to stop televising Russia’s World Cup fixtures in 1986, when Elton Welsby disappeared in mysterious circumstances after opining that the Soviets had "a bit of work to do in the second half" against Romania. He has never been seen since.

As far as can be discerned from records, though, the USSR "won every tournament contested, their spirit of comradeship triumphing over the crude capitalism of their opponents and overwhelming all foreign-funded interests. Except when Van Basten scored that wicked goal in 1988."

Road to the Finals
Guus Hiddink stood down from his position after failing to guide his side to the 2010 World Cup, but he was replaced by countryman Dick Advocaat after President Vladimir Putin commanded officials to "find me another of those funny little Dutchmen". The Russians never looked back after starting their campaign with six points, beating Armenia home and away by refusing to acknowledge their independence.

Did You Know?
Oligarch Roman Abramovich is probably Russian football’s biggest name, despite the fact he never kicks a ball. As well as owning Chelsea FC, the oil billionaire’s recent acquisitions allegedly include a controlling 51% stake in the sky, meaning that no passenger plane can take off without sending him a greeting card; part-ownership of Tom Jones, ensuring that during live performances of his hit What’s New Pussycat, Jones has to replace the word ‘Pussycat’ with 'Roman'; and 50 miles of the Great Wall of China. In Season 6 of Lost, he paid a reported $50,000 to have a character say "only Abramovich can get us out of this". Sources claim that he was recently blocked in a bid to buy exclusive rights to cheese.

Group A: Poland – It's Not All Fun & Games

Back of the Net — Tue, 22 May 2012 10:52:00 GMT

From today, the Back of the Net boys will be counting down the days to Euro 2012 with team profiles and much more. To start with, Paul Watson starts with Group A's somewhat fortuitous top seeds, hosts Poland...

The lowest-ranked team in the competition, Poland aren’t particularly good. Unlike the golden generations of the 1970s and 80s, today’s Poland team is full of players who will probably sign for West Ham.

Tournament Pedigree
Austria and Switzerland 2008 was Poland’s first European Championship and pitted them against Germany in a heated clash. As the hype ahead of the game grew, Polish paper Super Express printed a picture of coach Leo Beenhakker holding the severed heads of Michael Ballack and Joachim Low. The paper was widely criticised until it emerged that the photo was in fact real and had helped bring an end to Beenhakker’s terrifying bloodlust. Nonetheless, a depleted Germany still ran out 2-0 winners.

As is traditional, as hosts Poland were allowed to choose their group opponents and opted for Greece, Russia and the Czech Republic – a group so lacking in excitement that it doesn’t even feature on most wallcharts.

Road to the Finals
Poland and Ukraine were chosen to host Euro 2012, beating bids from Italy, Croatia and Hungary and Crosby, Stills and Nash. The voters were said to be won over by the honesty of Poland/Ukraine’s slogan: “A vast forbidding wasteland where terrible things have happened.”

Coach: Franciszek Smuda
It has taken staunch disciplinarian Smuda some time to fully eradicate the holiday-camp regime of libertarian former boss Leo Beenhakker. Disapproving of frivolity, Smuda has led a crackdown on anything he regards as nonsense, which includes nights out, drinking and passing backwards.

Artur Boruc was axed from the squad for a drunken night out, Slawomir Peszko and Marcin Wasilewski were dropped for an even drunker night out and Michal Zyro was only picked as a reserve after drawing a smiley face on his kit bag. Smuda is quoted as saying “The world has this image of us Poles as all fun, but that isn’t the case.”

Did You Know?
Poland’s squad contains the most letters of any side in the competition. It takes coach Smuda anything between three and 10 hours to write his team-sheets, so don’t be surprised if the Poles take the pitch with just eight or nine men.

John Terry: Champions League victory exactly how I planned it

Back of the Net — Mon, 21 May 2012 09:58:00 GMT

As the dust settles on Chelsea's amazing Champions League victory, Back of the Net's John Foster explains that John Terry always knew things would unfold in such a fashion...

Chelsea captain John Terry has declared himself 'over the moon' with his side’s penalty shootout triumph in the Champions League final, announcing that the trophy was just reward for his brilliantly executed tactical masterplan.

Chelsea were victorious against Bayern Munich despite allowing the German side countless chances to win the game, an outcome Terry revealed was “always my plan”.

The 31-year old did not play in the match, however, following his red card against Barcelona in the previous round, a dismissal Terry proudly stated was “the most important piece of the jigsaw.”

“If I hadn’t crucially kneed Alexis Sanchez in the bum when I did, we’d have lost that game, no question,” Terry asserted. “In that moment it all came down to me, and I’m very proud I did my duty.

“Plus, it was crucial I get myself suspended for the final, so that I could heroically lead the lads to victory from the sidelines,” he added.

“If that’s not leadership, I don’t know what is.”

JT - pictured with his assistants - loves it when a plan comes together

Terry also claimed credit for changing into full matchday kit, including shinpads, to lift the trophy at the end, telling FourFourTwo.com that the gesture spoke volumes about his character.

“It would have been the easiest thing in the world to stay on the sidelines and let the players who won it take the glory, but I’m big enough and man enough to stand right in the middle of any celebration, whether it’s got anything to do with me or not.”

In addition, the former England captain chose to dedicate his medal to a player he described as “the man who makes Chelsea what they are”, namely himself.

“It’s a great night for the owner, for the lads, and of course for the fans,” Terry remarked, “But most of all, this victory was all about me.

“At the end of the day, no-one deserves it more.”

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Everybody left out of Roy Hodgson's England squad

Back of the Net — Thu, 17 May 2012 10:30:00 GMT

England's new coach has really swung the axe, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains...

New England manager Roy Hodgson has been defending his surprise decision to leave everyone out of his squad for the European Championships in June

The ex-West Brom boss swung the axe in his first national team selection, choosing to omit Rio Ferdinand, Micah Richards, Adam Johnson, Paul Scholes, and Michael Carrick.

There was also no place for Aaron Lennon, Peter Crouch, Daniel Sturridge, Scott Carson, or any of the other 4,000 professional football players eligible to play for England.

“We needed to try something new,” explained the 64-year old at a press conference yesterday to announce the 0-man party.

“Everyone’s had their chances at previous tournaments to show what they’re capable of, and unfortunately, everyone’s made it repeatedly clear that they’re not up to the task.”

How England will line up for their Euro 2012 opener against France

Having spent a career getting the most out of limited resources, Hodgson insisted that he had thought carefully about how to make best use of England’s pool of available talent.

“When I asked myself who deserved to be in the team on merit, the obvious answer was nobody, so that’s who we’ve gone for,” he told FourFourTwo.com.

“It’s not the most physical line-up, given that it lacks any corporeal form, and I wouldn’t expect us to dominate possession,” he added. “But I’m confident that this team can be more than the sum of its non-existent parts.”

The decision to take no footballers means England will presumably line up in a 0-0-0 formation, though a more flexible 0-0-0-0 has also been touted. And with no big egos to contend with, the dressing-room disharmony that has plagued previous squads should be kept to a minimum.

Reaction among supporters to everyone’s omission has been mixed, however.

“It’s great to see Roy get rid of the dead wood, but I worry about this team’s strength in depth,” said England fans’ spokesman Hugh Merryweather. “We’re lightweight in every position, and there’s literally no-one on the bench.”

“Also, I can’t believe he picked Stewart Downing.”

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Bolton Wanderers' Kevin Davies too good to go down, FA confirms

Back of the Net — Tue, 15 May 2012 14:02:00 GMT

The Football Association has been left with a massive logistical headache after it was forced to confirm that Bolton striker Kevin Davies is too good to go down.

Bolton were relegated from the Premier League on the final weekend of the season after drawing 2-2 at Stoke, despite manager Owen Coyle’s insistence throughout the campaign that his side were too talented to drop down to the Football League.

However, it has now emerged that Coyle was partly correct in his assessment. While 35 of Bolton’s 36 squad members were precisely good enough to be relegated from England’s top tier, Kevin Davies was fractionally too good.

Sadly for Bolton fans, it doesn’t appear that these findings will benefit their club. The Football Association has encouraged Davies to join another Premier League side, but should Davies refuse to find a new employer, he will be forced to compete alone.

Kevin Davies FC take an early lead at Villa Park on the opening day of 2012/13

The FA will be keen to avoid Davies setting up his own club and have pointed out that his ground, 6 The Mount, will need comprehensive work to meet Premier League standards.

“It’s no secret that the FA is keen to prevent Kevin Davies FC playing in the Premier League next season,” a Football Association spokesman told FourFourTwo.com.

“While I can only imagine they would have a similar points tally to Bolton this season, it’s bad for the image of English football to have a solitary striker, albeit a tenacious one, taking on the likes of Manchester City and Chelsea.

“As a nation we had to fight hard to overcome the stigma European countries placed on us for allowing Mark Crossley to compete in the UEFA Cup for those three seasons in the 1990s and this would surely be a step backwards.”

While Davies’ agent insists the ageing marksman is a target for several mid-table Premier League outfits, the 35-year-old was seen buying a pair of goalkeeper gloves in JJB Sports yesterday wearing a garish, home-made shirt with a KDFC crest and is rumoured to have booked a pre-season friendly with Northwich Victoria.

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Newcastle sacrifice cult hero in attempt to appease angry god and seal Champions League spot

Back of the Net — Fri, 11 May 2012 10:45:00 GMT

Things are heating up as the Premier League season draws to a close, quite literally for one for St James' Park hero, as Back of the Net's John Foster reveals...

Fearing their Champions League bid may be derailed at the last by divine disfavour, Newcastle United have announced plans to appease the football gods by making a human sacrifice of cult hero Rob Lee.

According to a statement released by the club today, a pyre of wooden idols and animal carcasses will be erected outside St James’ Park before the club’s season-ending clash with Everton.

Ex-midfield general Lee, who made over 350 appearances for the Magpies between 1992 and 2002, will be bound to a totem in the middle of the pyre, his body painted with charms, mystic symbols, and the Champions League logo.

Then, director Derek Llambias, stripped naked and smeared in holy oils, will set the pyre alight, in the hope that the sacrifice of the club’s former captain will be sufficient to prevent Tottenham from claiming victory against Fulham, or Arsenal from claiming any points at West Brom.

“We’d hoped to have our destiny in our own hands going into the final day,” commented manager Alan Pardew. “But as it turns out, our destiny is, as ever, in the hands of the ichor god, Bel-Shamharoth.

“After the Man City game, it became clear that Bel-Shamharoth was angry. So I consulted some runes, had a chat with the chairman, and we both agreed the best way to appease his anger is with an offering of blood.”

Lee, 46, declared himself “honoured” to be selected for the rite.

“It’s not every day you offer yourself in burnt tribute to the Eater of Souls, but I’ve never run away from big decisions,” the one time Wycombe Wanderers midfielder told FourFourTwo.com.

“After all, finishing fourth is the most important thing these days.”

“Once in the Otherworld, I shall journey to the Dark Mountain to make entreaties to the Beyond Ones, and hopefully we can avoid a playoff against someone like Atletico Madrid.”

The sacrifice, which will be presented by Donna Air, will be shown live to subscribers of Newcastle United’s official television channel, and will be sponsored by Sports Direct.

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Steve Kean still sort of believes Blackburn can maybe stay up, weary friends report

Back of the Net — Wed, 09 May 2012 11:22:00 GMT

You and your precious Premier League may think Blackburn are down – but, according to Back of the Net's Paul Watson, their ever-positive manager has different ideas...

Worried sources close to Steve Kean have revealed that the Blackburn manager is working on a complex series of elaborate plans that he believes will allow his side to avoid relegation.

It has been a tough season for Kean, who was chosen as the figurehead for the club’s supremely unpopular owners Venky’s after the baffling dismissal of jowl-rich kick-and-rush specialist Sam Allardyce in December 2010.

With relegation seemingly inevitable for the last six months, Kean has been the received torrid abuse from Rovers fans, but has always insisted his men would beat the drop – a belief he still holds despite relegation being mathematically decided by Monday’s loss to Wigan.

“Steve seemed down when he got back from the Wigan game,” a source close to Kean told FourFourTwo.com. “But oddly he started to perk up the next day and began saying cryptic things about his ‘devilish master plan’ and how things have ‘all fallen perfectly into place.”

Blackburn's biggest smile since 'Dunny' heard 'the chicken men' were coming

Kean has reportedly spent the last 36 hours in his office hunched over a computer, a calculator, a box of nitrogen tri-iodide crystals, a rudimentary daisy cutter fuse, a copy of Shane Richie’s autobiography Rags to Richie: The Story So Far and a radish.

“He’ll go silent for quite a while and then come up with another idea - he really won’t give up,” a despairing friend of Kean’s explained.

“Admittedly a lot of them aren’t great ideas – it’s mostly stuff like hacking into the FA’s website and changing the tables, hanging around Roberto Mancini and seeing if he leaves any points lying around or releasing a rabid dog on to the pitch at the Chelsea game. To be honest, I really can’t see how the dog thing would help at all.

“You almost think it would have been easier to have beaten a few teams like Bolton, or had a shot on target or two against Wigan.”

There are reports Wolves boss Terry Connor is one step ahead of Kean, and has pulled off a tactical masterstroke to combat his side’s grim plight by declaring the final game of the season against Wigan to be a ’25-pointer’, giving the Midlanders a chance of survival and handing Roberto Martinez’s men an unexpected shot at European qualification.

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Torres facing race against time to master Abide With Me

Back of the Net — Fri, 04 May 2012 13:17:00 GMT

Chelsea face Liverpool in the FA Cup Final this weekend – but, according to Back of the Net's Paul Watson, their reborn striker has a problem...

Chelsea striker Fernando Torres is struggling to prove to Roberto Di Matteo that he has mastered the tricky final verse of Abide With Me in time for tomorrow’s FA Cup Final against Liverpool.

The Spanish marksman has returned to form of late after an 18-month wobble, but he may still miss out on English football’s showpiece event.

Reports suggest that Torres will lose out to Didier Drogba for a place in the starting 11 after faltering badly during training ground renditions of Abide With Me – the hymn traditionally used to prepare the soul for death or footballers for an FA Cup final.

“Fernando’s sensational at ‘when other helpers fail and comforts flee’ but he just can’t seem to find any fluency with ‘Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadow flees’,” a source told FourFourTwo. "You can see him getting frustrated because his work rate is truly phenomenal.

“But Roberto [Di Matteo] just has to look to experience on occasions like this and when you’ve got Didier Drogba able to sing all eight verses, including the slightly jarring second stanza, you can’t see past that.

“Besides, his harmonies with Gary Cahill are just heavenly. It’s no secret that his majestic descant was one of the main reasons Gary was brought in.”

There have been reports that Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish has been leading a pre-training session chorus of Abide With Me for the last month, but conflicting reports suggest the Scottish boss may actually be singing Sweet Child o’ Mine by Guns N’ Roses, something by Teenage Fanclub or just speaking as normal.

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Press hand Hodgson chalice that definitely isn't poisoned, oh no

Back of the Net — Wed, 02 May 2012 12:16:00 GMT

With the FA naming Uncle Roy as the new England manager, Back of the Net's John Foster has been to speak to some folks who are definitely 100% behind the new man and aren't upset their mate missed out in the slightest, so whoever told you that is a big, fat fibber...

West Bromwich Albion boss Roy Hodgson was yesterday announced as the new England manager, having agreed a four-year deal with the Football Association to take charge of the national chalice.

Hodgson, 64, spoke of his excitement at being appointed, and dismissed suggestions that the chalice, a vessel forged by Stanley Rous from the molten embers of Excalibur and inlaid with three ruby lions by Sir Alf Ramsey himself, may be spiked with deadly toxins.

The assembled media were quick to agree, ridiculing any suggestion that by merely touching the chalice, Hodgson was bringing a terrible curse upon himself and his loved ones.

“There is no truth to the suggestion that the press might already be looking to get rid of Roy,” said a Daily Mail columnist, while squeezing drops of an unidentified green liquid into the chalice.

“We back him one hundred and ten percent, regardless of how he deals with the press, the scrutiny that comes with the job, and an unexplained bout of hydrargyria.”

Hodgson succeeds Fabio Capello, who was forced from the role in February after contracting hypervitaminosis after speaking to journalists. Capello’s predecessor, Steve McClaren, stepped down after mysteriously ingesting large quantities of arsenic at a media event, while Sven-Göran Eriksson was forced to quit after reacting badly to a plate of fugu at a press dinner.

The job also proved too much for the immune systems of Graham Taylor (acute radiation sickness), Kevin Keegan (attacked by fire ants), Glenn Hoddle (stigmata), and Bobby Robson (surfeit of peaches).

But the press pack was united in insisting that it was wrong to think too hard about the chequered history of the chalice, with all English media outlets looking forward to exchanging barbs with the ex-Switzerland boss, so long as the barbs were not over-scrutinised by toxicologists.

“It’s not fair to criticise him before he’s even started work,” commented a reporter from The Daily Star, while slipping on a pair of surgical gloves. “But rest assured we’ll be right behind him all the way, watching his every move.”

“He deserves time to show he’s the right man for the job, and prove that the pundits, the press, the journalists, and especially the media are all wrong in anticipating a total disaster,” the scribe added, carefully loading a poison dart into a blowpipe.

“We’ll be on his back the whole time. Sorry, did I say ‘on his back’? I meant ‘right behind him’. Which is just where we want him.”

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McEachran disappointed to learn transfer talk just half-stifled sneezes

Back of the Net — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 15:07:00 GMT

The Chelsea rookie has been getting a bit ahead of himself, Back of the Net's Paul Watson has more...

Sources close to Swansea loanee Josh McEachran have relayed his disappointment at learning that recent transfer rumours linking him to a summer move were in fact a series of half-stifled sneezes.

Chelsea sent the England Under-21 star out on loan to Swansea in search of first-team football, but McEachran has struggled to get his awkward, guttural name on the teamsheet.

And while McEachran remains highly rated within the game, sources close to the downbeat starlet suggest he was devastated to discover that a recent transfer rumour was in fact caused by a synaptic release.

“It’s been a tough season for Josh, so when he heard he had been linked with Bolton it was a boost,” a source close to McEachran told FourFourTwo.com.

“He took it hard when he found out that the rumour had been brought about by Phil Gartside suffering a mild allergic reaction to a stray cat.

For a brief moment, McEachran thought he was on his way to Old Trafford

“The next day he again got his hopes up when he thought the bloke behind him on a train was talking about him, but it turned out he was actually choking on a brazil nut. The whole thing has left him wondering whether anyone is talking about him at all.”

McEachran’s agency Key Sports are refusing to panic, insisting that while a significant percentage of apparent McEachran mentions are false alarms, some people do know who he is.

“There’s been a lot of buzz surrounding Josh lately and only some of it will have been spasmodic involuntary action,” a spokesman for the agency assured FourFourTwo.com.

“Just the other day, in fact, I’m pretty sure I heard someone talking about him on the radio. I was going through a tunnel at the time though.”

The confusion may not be a bad thing for McEachran. In 2008, Arsene Wenger famously signed Francis Coquelin while attempting to order a main course in a restaurant in Brittany.

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Swindon fans uneasy about the way Di Canio is saluting them

Back of the Net — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 11:20:00 GMT

There have been a few awkward moments at The County Ground, Back of the Net's John Foster has the 'details'...

Flushed with success after securing promotion from League Two, Swindon Town boss Paolo Di Canio has saluted the club’s fans from a balcony outside The County Ground, a gesture that many admit has left them feeling rather uncomfortable.

Despite going down 3-1 to Gillingham, results elsewhere meant that Swindon went up with two games to spare, an achievement that Di Canio has dedicated to the club’s fans, by extending his right arm repeatedly and promising all 3,000 season ticket holders a plot of land in Ethiopia.

‘Paolo’s been great for Swindon all year’, said Supporters’ Club chairman Roger Bunce. ‘And people are prepared to overlook his controversial past actions, like pushing over officials, falling out with managers, and leading an army to invade Rijeka with the intention of returning it to its rightful place within Italy, so long as results on the pitch are good.

"Go right wing..."

‘But there’s something not quite right about rejecting post-match handshakes as representing a degenerate bourgeois mentality, or demanding the referee be deported for being a communist agitator.’

Gifted maniac Di Canio has caused further awkwardness by changing the pre-match music be changed to 1920s hit ‘Giovinezza’, and by proposing Swindon abandon their traditional red shirts in favour of a new, entirely black design.

Earlier this season he was criticised by other managers for re-arming the youth team and talking openly about invading Somerset, having also described Yeovil Town as ‘a pistol pointing at the heart of Wiltshire.’

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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Bolton accidentally extend Steinsson's contract by 18,002 years

Back of the Net — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 08:45:00 GMT

The Trotters have made a bit of a boo-boo, Back of the Net's John Foster takes up the story...

Bolton Wanderers’ fiscal prudence will come under scrutiny after a clerical error saw Gretar Steinsson’s contract extended by over eighteen thousand years, to 20014.

According to the player's spokesman, a typographical error by Bolton chairman Phil Gartside will see the 30-year old earn £13,000 a week for the next 936,104 weeks, plus appearance bonuses.

“Obviously I’m happy with the new deal,” Steinsson told reporters.

“At first the club only wanted to offer a one-year extension, so I’m delighted they’ve relented and given me the full eighteen thousand.”

The Icelandic right-back also confirmed that he expected to finish his career at the Reebok Stadium.

“I think I’ll probably retire when this deal’s up,” he told reporters. “After all, I’ll be 18,032 years old by then, which is a good age to hang up your boots and maybe think about going into coaching.”

Bolton's 20013/14 away kit was one of Reebok's better efforts

An ashen-faced Gartside admitted he had not intended to tie Steinsson to the club for over eighteen millenia, but added that he was determined to make the best of the situation.

“[The contract] may seem a bit on the lengthy side, but a lot can happen in eighteen thousand years,” he told FourFourTwo.com.

“Eighteen thousand years ago, for example, who’d have thought that the land bridge between Asia and Alaska wouldn’t exist today, or that humans would successfully domesticate the wolf? I’m confident Gretar’s experience will be a great asset for this club, especially for our younger players, over the next one hundred and eighty centuries.”

“Besides,” Gartside added, “as the saying goes, eighteen thousand years is a long time in football.”

This is not the first time a Premier League club has erred in its contract negotiations. In 1998, a computer malfunction led to Sheffield Wednesday paying Wim Jonk £8,888,888,888 a day for the duration of his two-year deal.

Similarly, in 2002, confusion over the correct exchange rate of the newly-launched Euro saw Massimo Maccarone move from Empoli to Middlesbrough for £15.5 billion, a fee most fans believe he struggled to live up to.

Lionel Messi thought ‘Gary Cahill’ was just a turn of phrase

Back of the Net — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 09:00:00 GMT

As the European champions arrive in West London to face Chelsea, Back of the Net's Paul Watson reveals a major oversight in their pre-match scouting...

Barcelona star Lionel Messi has confessed in his pre-game press conference that he believed Chelsea defender Gary Cahill was a prepositional phrase rather than a functional centre-back.

In the build-up to Wednesday evening’s Champions League clash, Cahill has been vocal in his belief the Blues can upset Barça and his comments have deeply unsettled the La Liga giants’ camp.

“We were shocked to hear Cahill’s rallying call, not least because not one of us had heard of this man, Gary Cahill,” the Ballon d’Or winner told journalists.

Talk of 'El Cahill' has been rife in the Catalan press in recent days

“I asked Cesc [Fabregas] if he remembered him from the Premier League and he said he thought ‘Gary Cahill’ was just an English phrase," Messi explained. "You know, something like ‘with all due respect.’”

Over the last few days, reports from the Barcelona camp suggest that ‘Gary Cahill’ had entered into the players’ vernacular, playing an ungainly and obtrusive role in usually flowing sentences.

During an open training session wave after wave of promising attacks petered out in a crescendo of confused calls of ‘Now, Gary Cahill’, ‘Gary Cahill, first-time ball, Gary Cahill.’

“Of course I’m worried about Cahill,” Barcelona boss Josep Guardiola admitted. “He just has that ability to interfere with our play, especially on a syntactic level, but, Gary Cahill, we feel we have what it takes to get the result we need, Gary Cahill.”

There will be pressure on Guardiola to get pre-match preparations correct. He came under fire back in February following Barca’s shock defeat to an Osasuna side many of his players believed was a water park.

West Bromwich Albion found to be a front organisation

Back of the Net — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:35:00 GMT

Odd goings-on going on in the Midlands... Back of the Net's Paul Watson has the scoop...

A lengthy undercover operation commissioned by Back of the Net has revealed that West Bromwich Albion is nothing more than a front organisation used to siphon off points to other legitimate teams.

The news is expected to rock the world of football with many of Britain’s top teams having openly contested matches against the West Midlands points laundering outfit in recent times.

“Our suspicions were raised by the fact that West Bromwich isn’t a real place you get,” explained the undercover agent who led the sting.

“We dug a little deeper and found that The Hawthorns wasn’t a realistic name for a stadium and nobody could quite explain why people always refer to them as The Baggies.”

Every season anything between 60 and 80 points leave ‘West Brom’ bound for the Premier League’s top teams via a complex system of arranged meetings at football grounds around the country.

A matter of hours after a resounding 4-0 “defeat” against Manchester City, events at the Etihad Stadium take on an altogether more sinister complexion.

“It was all suddenly so clear,” Back of the Net’s inside man continued. “I looked over at Hodgson and just saw a powerless puppet; a really blocked up, sniffy puppet.

“At 3-0 down, rather than trying to re-jig things tactically you could hear [Roy] Hodgson threatening Paul Scharner. It was all stuff like ‘don’t break my balls on this,’ ‘there’s plenty of ways for a utility man like you to go missing’ and ‘you don’t want to end up with Boaz Myhill.’”

The dramatic climax of the investigation saw a West Brom representative offer Back of the Net’s reporter three points if he could assemble 11 men and teach them to take a set piece.

As we go to press, Baggie Bird remains wanted by Interpol for three charges of racketeering.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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Distracted Phil Dowd spends 90 minutes fretting about post-match handshakes

Back of the Net — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 09:16:00 GMT

Bemused by Dowd's decisions during Wigan's game with Man United? Back of the Net's John Foster has the scoop...

Phil Dowd spent the duration of Manchester United’s shock defeat to Wigan Athletic on Wednesday thinking about his post-match handshakes with players and officials, FourFourTwo.com has learned.

Dowd has been the target of intense criticism after making several controversial decisions during the match, including failing to send off Jonny Evans, ruling out a Wigan goal, denying Man United two penalties and allowing the first half to continue for 55 minutes while he practiced his handshake technique in the centre circle.

“Mr Dowd’s mind seemed to be elswhere,” remarked Latics boss Roberto Martinez. “He was gazing into the middle distance for at least the first 15 minutes, and I know he didn’t have a clear view of Victor Moses’ disallowed goal, because I could see him staring at Rio Ferdinand's wrists.”

Sources close to Dowd have told FourFourTwo.com that recent events had brought his complex about his handshake to a head.
First, the Staffordshire-based official found himself unable to stop shaking the hand of Oriol Romeu after Chelsea’s clash with West Brom, forcing the young midfielder to miss two matches with a sprained thumb.

Then, following Newcastle’s game against Norwich, Magpies boss Alan Pardew announced publicly that shaking hands with Dowd was “like fondling a dessicated hagfish”, words which Dowd is understood to have found quite hurtful.

"What if I injure a goalie's hand?"

“Last night was particularly tough for Phil,” ex-referee Graeme Poll told FourFourTwo.com.

“Roberto [Martinez] is reknowned as having one of the most sophisticated handshakes in the Premier League, masculine but contemporary, and with impeccably well-moisturised palms.

“And even though it’s a privilege to shake the hand of a living legend like Sir Alex [Ferguson], he could snap your fingers like dry twigs if he wanted to.

“So it wouldn’t surprise me if Phil was more nervous than usual. Though having said that, that’s no excuse for giving Gary Caldwell a panicked curtsey at the final whistle. He deserves better than that.”

The FA have announced that until Dowd overcomes his fear of handshakes he will only referee games involving QPR, whose manager Mark Hughes considers politeness to be a sign of weakness, and so refuses to shake hands with anyone as a matter of principle.

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John Arne Riise’s brother also plays for Fulham, reports shocked John Arne Riise

Back of the Net — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 11:17:00 GMT

Another curious tale from the world of football, Back of the Net's John Foster has the details...

John Arne Riise has been expressing his surprise at learning that his brother, Bjorn Helge Riise, has been his team-mate at Fulham for nearly nine months.

John Arne, 31, admitted he’d had no idea his sibling had played over thirty matches for the West London club since 2009, until yesterday, when they unexpectedly found themselves sitting next to each other in a tactical briefing ahead of Fulham’s trip to Bolton on Saturday.

“I looked up and this guy was staring at me,” the elder Riise explained. “I asked him what he wanted and he said, ‘it’s me, it’s Bjorn Helge.’ Then I recognised him!”

“To think, we’ve been working at the same place since July, but this is the first time we’ve actually come face-to-face. It’s really an incredible coincidence.”

Bjorn Helge Riise, 28, was equally unaware of his brother’s presence at the club.

The Riises later realised they'd been parking next to eachother for six months

“I don’t really read the papers, so I’d had no idea John had signed,” he told FourFourTwo.com. “I thought I vaguely recognised him from somewhere, but with me being a right winger and him being a left back, we just didn’t get much chance to interact.”

“Sometimes our parents would send emails telling me what John’s been up to, but they were always going on about his long-distance free kicks, and asking me why I couldn’t do long-distance free kicks like his, so I stopped opening them. To be honest, I thought he was still in Rome.”

“Last week Mum asked me how John Arne was getting on. I was like, how the hell should I know? She must think I’m still upset about that time when he borrowed my bike and crashed it into a fjord.”

The other Fulham players had apparently assumed the Riise brothers were aware of one another’s presence. John Arne recalled being welcomed to the Cottagers by club captain and ex-Liverpool colleague Danny Murphy.

“When Danny asked me if I was looking forward to catching up with BH, I assumed he meant Brede Hangeland, with him being Norwegian, like me.”

“Or Broadcasting House, which was my favourite radio show when I played for Liverpool.”

“When I explained that I stopped listening to it after Eddie Mair left to present PM, Danny looked confused. Now I know why.”

The Riise brothers’ reunion is said to have lasted ten minutes, before Bjorn Helge brought up his missing bicycle, and John Arne put him in a headlock and started flicking his ears. The pair then had to be separated by Martin Jol.

Preston intelligence leak arms Owls with lethal trivia

Back of the Net — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 15:39:00 GMT

There's a big, sticky controversy in League One, Back of the Net's Paul Watson investigates...

Preston manager Graham Westley was left seething after discovering that members of his squad had leaked valuable information to opponents Sheffield Wednesday, including the club’s nickname, record scorer and illustrious early history.

The struggling Lancashire outfit went down 2-0, a result that didn’t surprise an irate Westley given the crucial confidential information the Owls had managed to gather.

“You could tell something was wrong,” Westley explained. “The second we got off the coach I swore I could hear one of the Wednesday players talking about Ted Harper’s club record 37 goals in 1932-33.

“And sure enough, it soon become clear that Wednesday’s defenders knew our nickname was the Lillywhites and that Ribble Valley Shelving sponsored us between 1990 and 1992.”

Preston's 1889 FA Cup winners, all of whom are familiar to the Owls' squad

Gary Madine netted twice to secure the points for Wednesday, but there was controversy surrounding both goals.

“Madine’s finishing was excellent,” Westley conceded. “But you have to ask yourself whether he would have got into those positions had he not known that in 1888/89 we were the first team to go through an entire season unbeaten?”

Not for the first time this season Westley described ‘different agendas’ within the dressing room.

“It makes life very tough as a manager,” he said. “Paul Parry, for example, loves throw-ins."

“Graham Cummins has this thing about beating the traffic, so he’ll always be edging towards the touchline as the final whistle approaches. Then you got Paul Coutts who always likes the score to be a binary number – once it gets to 1-1 he’ll just head for the corner flag. It’s tough to get everyone pulling together.”

Darron Gibson’s war-cry lost in faint breeze

Back of the Net — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 15:08:00 GMT

Everton's midfield general has been attempting to rally the troops, reports Back of the Net's John Foster...

Darron Gibson’s attempt to rally his Everton team-mates in advance of Saturday’s game against West Bromwich Albion has proved unsuccessful, according to reports from Goodison Park, after the 24-year old’s motivational oration was lost in a light wind.

Everton had just concluded their final training session in advance of Saturday’s mid-table clash with the Baggies, when the normally shy Gibson was reportedly seized with the desire to address his team-mates.

But his impassioned pep talk was lost in the gentle spring breeze drifting across Merseyside, leaving his embarrassed colleagues straining unsuccessfully to hear him.

“It was pretty awkward,” Phil Jagielka told Back Of The Net. “Darron was clearly fired up, but we couldn’t hear a word he was saying.

“He was shaking with emotion, and making all these hand gestures, but Darron’s not got the loudest voice, and I don’t think anyone could work out what he was getting at.

“Leighton Baines was lip-reading for a while, and Tim Howard tried to catch Darron’s eye while miming for him to speak up, but he just kept mumbling on and on.

“In the end we all had to stand around politely and watch him get redder and redder, while he opened and closed his mouth like a vehement guppy.”

The content of Gibson’s speech is not known. He reportedly began by praising the club’s recent run of results, before the breeze stiffened momentarily, cancelling out his voice except for occasional snatches of words and phrases, like “passion”, “final third” and “yoghurt”.

At one point, the wind dropped enough for the players to hear Gibson describe the Viking hero Ragnar Lodbrok’s siege of Paris, and compare West Brom manager Roy Hodgson to French king Charles the Bald, before another gust rendered the rest of the sentence inaudible.

“It went on for about 15 minutes,” continued Jagielka. “When he was finished, Gibbo had tears in his eyes. I think he ended by reciting the lyrics to The Fields of Athenry, but John Heitinga reckons it was I Will Always Love You.”

Back of the Net asked Darron Gibson to comment, but his response was too quiet to be understood.

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Stewart Downing wakes up screaming in middle of game

Back of the Net — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:21:00 GMT

The England wide-man hasn't enjoyed the most productive first season at Anfield, and Back of the Net's John Foster knows why...

Liverpool winger Stewart Downing has spoken of his anguish at waking suddenly, trembling and drenched in sweat, in the middle of the his side’s 3-2 defat to Queens Park Rangers on Wednesday.

Downing, who has struggled for form since his £20 million move from Aston Villa last summer, woke early in the second half, when he was struck by a wayward pass from Jay Spearing.

“It was a horrible nightmare,” the ex-Middlesbrough star told reporters. “I was dreaming that I couldn’t control my legs, or my feet, or a simple five-yard pass. And every time I tried to put in a cross, the ball turned into Randy Lerner’s big, laughing face and floated away into the night.

“Then suddenly I woke up and I didn’t know where I was. But after about twenty minutes of stumbling around in confusion, things started to feel familiar.”

“Then for a while I thought I was being shouted at by a tub of hairgel with a million teeth,” added the occasional England ace. “But it was only Jordan Henderson trying to be assertive.”

Some observers have been quick to criticise Downing for having an hour-long nap during a Premier League game, but Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish defended his somnolent wideman, preferring to focus on his unseen contribution.

“Okay, so Stewart’s not offered that much in attack, or defence,” the paper-skinned tactician told Back Of The Net. “Or midfield, for that matter. But Joey Barton was very quiet all match trying not to wake him, and you have to give Stewart credit for that.

“Sure, maybe when Stewart first signed he’d go missing for a while during games, when the crowd were on his back, or when he needed a wee,” Dalglish continued.

“But fair play to the lad, we laid his comfort blanket on the touchline before kick-off, and he’s spent the whole match hugging it. I thought he did very well to help limit QPR to only three goals.”

Meanwhile, Liverpool’s coaches are reportedly encouraging Downing to observe team-mate Andy Carroll, which should make him feel much better about himself.

Moyes hails Everton’s "say die" attitude

Back of the Net — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 12:03:00 GMT

He's back... former Pohnpei manager and outside bet for the England job Paul Watson chips in with the latest Back of the Net piece.

Everton manager David Moyes was full of praise for his players after last night’s 3-0 derby loss to Liverpool, hailing the Toffees’ dignified and placid subservience in the face of defeat.

Moyes’ men boosted their bid to finish exactly in mid-table by cancelling out a gutsy win over Tottenham with a lily-livered capitulation against their old rivals Liverpool, keeping them solidly anchored in ninth place behind teams who can score from open play but ahead of teams unable to take a long throw.

“It’s just fantastic to have a group of players that aren’t afraid to accept their limitations,” Moyes beamed after the final whistle.

“Rather than waste everyone’s time and risk heaping further indignity on themselves by attempting to rectify the situation with passes, crosses or shots, the lads have humbly capitulated.

“Many sides would see going behind in a derby just before half-time as a prompt to create some chances, but we weren’t remotely tempted to try and claw our way back into the game.”

While fans seemed unimpressed with Everton’s lack of spark, Moyes was seen applauding Steven Pienaar for time-wasting at 2-0 down and the manager himself insisted on inserting an ‘L’ in the fixture list on the club’s website several hours before kick-off, stressing that he was "saving the webmaster a job".

Despite their lack of chances, Everton had 47% of possession at Anfield. However, the figure could be misleading as much of that total came during a 12-minute period when the ball got stuck in Marouane Fellaini’s shirt, causing widespread embarrassment and frustration.

Previous stories:
Premier League defences terrorised by mysterious masked winger
Steve Bruce unable to explain football to a six-year-old
Wolves appoint man who claims he was McCarthy's assistant
Visiting Joe Cole wows Liverpool squad with French toast
Kenwyne Jones bunks off Stoke training to play football
De Gea: If I stare at the floodlights I see angels
Ball still bobbling around in Villa box, three days later
Wigan given permission to talk to Maynard, but not about football
Banana touted as potential banana skin for Hull
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Paul Watson's book Up Pohnpei: A Quest to Reclaim the Soul of Football by Leading the World's Ultimate Underdogs to Glory is available now

Premier League defences terrorised by mysterious masked winger

Back of the Net — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 16:16:00 GMT

It's been a crazy season in the Premier League, and Back of the Net's John Foster is here to serve up another piping hot slice of football knowledge pie...

Rumours are spreading of a mysterious masked footballer who has been appearing at Premier League grounds up and down the country, terrorising unsuspecting full-backs with his dazzling wing play, before vanishing into thin air.

According to several reports, the masked winger typically appears from nowhere to boost one team’s attacking options, ravaging the opposition’s defences for a ten or fifteen-minute spell, before disappearng as quickly as he came.

At Craven Cottage last Sunday, the mystery man abseiled down from the stadium roof to get goalside of the Wolverhampton Wanderers defence, before delivering a defence-splitting pass to Clint Dempsey, who scored to put Fulham 3-0 up.

Moments later, the velvet-swathed ace skipped past three Wolves challenges, and a desperate attempt by Richard Stearman to remove his mask, before unleashing a rising shot into the top corner.

His work complete, the man some call “The Deadly Shadow” mounted the black charger he had earlier tethered to Mark Schwarzer’s goalposts and rode back into the night, leaving the amazed crowd asking, “who was that masked man?”

“I’d never seen anything like it,” said Sunderland full-back Phil Bardsley, who was tormented mercilessly by the black-clad figure, then aiding West Brom, during his side’s 4-0 defeat two weeks ago.

“We were doing OK, when suddenly [the mystery winger] sprang out from behind a corner flag and collected a through-ball to score,” he told FourFourTwo.com.

“He’d run at us every time he got the ball. He probably got to the byline 20, 30 times. Kieran Richardson’s refused to play at left-back since, just in case he pops up again.”

A league spokesman confirmed that it was against FA rules for the masked winger to swoop suddenly onto the field of play without the referee’s permission, to insist on playing in a midnight-black kit, and to carry a long, thin rapier, which he used to face down Paddy Kenny when scoring his second in Blackburn’s surprise 3-2 win over QPR last month.

But, the spokesman added; “It seems this mysterious fellow laughs in the face of the rules, and has no regard for status or convention."

Many observers are asking whether the appearance of the mystery winger is connected to other recent events.

In January, the houses of several ex-referees were broken into, with a single black marble chess piece left behind on each occasion, a crime that has left police baffled.

Then, last weekend, a question mark was discovered carved into the front door of FA headquarters in Soho Square, on the same day that high-society paramour Nancy Dell’olio was spotted clasping a black silk handkerchief, identical to the one the masked winger uses to mop his brow during matches

Fearing that his full-backs may be next in line to face the mystery winger’s torments, Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish is reportedly preparing for his team’s next game by picking only midfielders.

Previous stories:
Steve Bruce unable to explain football to a six-year-old
Wolves appoint man who claims he was McCarthy's assistant
Visiting Joe Cole wows Liverpool squad with French toast
Kenwyne Jones bunks off Stoke training to play football
De Gea: If I stare at the floodlights I see angels
Ball still bobbling around in Villa box, three days later
Wigan given permission to talk to Maynard, but not about football
Banana touted as potential banana skin for Hull
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Back ot the Net writer Paul Watson's book Up Pohnpei: A Quest to Reclaim the Soul of Football by Leading the World's Ultimate Underdogs to Glory is available now

Steve Bruce unable to explain rules of football to six-year-old child

Back of the Net — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 14:20:00 GMT

The currently unemployed coach got himself in quite a pickle. Back of the Net's John Foster sprays us with his fact hose...

Former Sunderland manager Steve Bruce has proved incapable of explaining the rules of football to Andrew Gould, a six-year-old child, sources were reporting yesterday.

Bruce, who has had a virtually uninterrupted career in the game for over thirty years, apparently struggled to outline even the most basic concepts of the sport, leaving Gould bewildered and close to tears.

“You have to score more goals, right, your team, yeah, which is you and ten other blokes, so eleven, or ladies, if you’re a lady, which you’re not, obviously, plus the substitutes, including the goalie and the substitute goalie if you have one, hang on,” he started.

“There’s eleven of you, right, well not of you, but of your mates, or rather ten of your mates, plus you, and there’s the manager, yeah, who stands on the side and tells you where to kick it, which is into the goal, not your goal but the other goal, and when you kick it into that goal you’ve got one goal.”

Noting Gould's confusion, an increasingly sweaty Bruce tried again.

“Imagine this pencil is John Mensah, and this glass of port is Craig Gordon or sometimes Simon Mignolet. This chunk of brie, here, is offside. Would you like some brie? I’ll just finish it off, then.”

The former Manchester United defender’s stumbling attempts to address the six-year-old continued for close to 20 minutes, and four further glasses of port, until a squirming Gould demanded to be allowed to watch Power Rangers.

Bruce’s former captain at Sunderland, Lorik Cana, told FourFourTwo.com that Bruce had often struggled to communicate with his players at the Stadium of Light.

“During team-talks he’d shout out a lot of abstract nouns, like ‘passion’, and ‘desire’, and ‘sugar’,” Cana recalled.

“Often his mouth would open and close, like a fleshy carp, with no sound coming out. Then he’d poke at a blackboard with a stick, even if nothing was written on it.

“He spent one half-time just reciting the names of Pokemon characters, before bringing on Andy Reid for Lee Cattermole and shouting ‘Charmeleon, I choose you.’”

At the time of writing, Bruce was struggling to explain the plot of Pokemon to his 78-year old mother.

Previous stories:
Wolves appoint man who claims he was McCarthy's assistant
Visiting Joe Cole wows Liverpool squad with French toast
Kenwyne Jones bunks off Stoke training to play football
De Gea: If I stare at the floodlights I see angels
Ball still bobbling around in Villa box, three days later
Wigan given permission to talk to Maynard, but not about football
Banana touted as potential banana skin for Hull
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Back of the Net writer Paul Watson's book Up Pohnpei: A Quest to Reclaim the Soul of Football by Leading the World's Ultimate Underdogs to Glory is available now

Wolves appoint man who claims he was McCarthy’s assistant

Back of the Net — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 14:39:00 GMT

His team may have fought back to draw at Newcastle on Saturday, but there's still mystery surrounding Wolves' new boss Terry Connor. Back of the Net's John Foster investigates...

Wolverhampton Wanderers have chosen as their new boss a 49-year-old man, Terry Connor, who claims to have until recently been Mick McCarthy’s assistant at the struggling Midlands club.

The appointment comes as something of a surprise, given Wolves’ initial statement that McCarthy’s successor should be a manager with a track record of doing well with struggling teams, with Premier League pedigree, and who people had heard of.

But instead Connor was offered the role after Wolves were reportedly rejected by Alan Curbishley, Brian McDermott, Gus Poyet, Walter Smith, Steve Bruce, Neil Warnock, and Diego Maradona, who called the situation at Molineux “unbefitting of a serious manager”.

“We were starting to wonder if we’d done the right thing in letting go of Mick,” admitted club chief executive Jez Moxey. “But fortunately Terence [Connor] got in touch with us, reminding us that he was Mick’s assistant and was therefore the obvious choice.”

“Until he mentioned it, none of us thought that Mick had even had an assistant”, admitted Moxey.

“But Terry was quite insistent, so we’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. I suppose it’s like the old saying goes: the best assistants are the ones you don’t take any notice of.”

Reports suggest that Connor has varied his story within the Wolves dressing room, telling Nenad Milijas that he had managed for several years in Scandinavia, while successfully persuading Steven Fletcher that he was ex-Real Madrid prompter Fernando Redondo, allegedly affecting an exaggerated Spanish accent in the forward’s presence.

Supporters’ club spokesperson Martha McVie has welcomed Connor’s arrival, however.

“Many bosses these days mouth off at the slightest provocation”, she said. “But Terry Connor’s the quiet type who gets on with the job, keeps his head down, and lets others do the talking for him.

“At least, I assume he does. To be completely honest, I’ve no idea who he is.”

Previous stories:
Visiting Joe Cole wows Liverpool squad with French toast
Kenwyne Jones bunks off Stoke training to play football
De Gea: If I stare at the floodlights I see angels
Ball still bobbling around in Villa box, three days later
Wigan given permission to talk to Maynard, but not about football
Banana touted as potential banana skin for Hull
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Back of the Net writer Paul Watson's book Up Pohnpei: A Quest to Reclaim the Soul of Football by Leading the World's Ultimate Underdogs to Glory is available now

Visiting Joe Cole wows Liverpool squad with French toast

Back of the Net — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 15:38:00 GMT

Six months after setting off for France, Joe Cole has proven he's learnt a thing or two. John Foster went to find out more...

Lille loanee Joe Cole has used a brief visit to parent club Liverpool to show off his new culinary repertoire, whipping up an exemplary French toast that is said to have left his former team-mates “dazzled.”

“This is a great opportunity to show the gaffer and the lads how much I’ve learnt in France”, Cole told FourFourTwo.com.

“I used to think there was only one kind of toast,” he said, “and you made it by putting bread in a toaster.

“But it turns out you can make toast in a pan with an egg and cream batter, a bit of maple syrup, some cinnamon, and a dusting of icing sugar.

“Small differences, but it’s still toast at the end of the day.”

The former Chelsea playmaker explained that he felt his breakfasts were stagnating a bit in England.

“Earlier in my career I’d do things like try and make a smoked salmon kedgeree with crispy fried shallots and a mustard jus, when the most anybody wanted was a bun.

“I found myself falling back more and more on pop tarts and supermarket muesli. It does the job, but it’s not the sort of breakfast you want to serve up to people day in, day out.”

Pundits in England have long considered Cole to be more suited to a continental style of breakfast, though the player himself admits to having had some doubts before his move to France.

“It was a big step. I had to get a place to live. I had to learn the French word for whisk. I thought it would take me a bit of time to find the eggs, but it turns out there’s a special shelf for them in the fridge.”

Asked for his opinion on Cole’s culinary skills, Lille team-mate Pierre Bosquet commented, “C’est magnifique, mais ce n’est pas le toast.”

Previous stories:
Kenwyne Jones bunks off Stoke training to play football
De Gea: If I stare at the floodlights I see angels
Ball still bobbling around in Villa box, three days later
Wigan given permission to talk to Maynard, but not about football
Banana touted as potential banana skin for Hull
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Back of the Net writer Paul Watson's book Up Pohnpei: A Quest to Reclaim the Soul of Football by Leading the World's Ultimate Underdogs to Glory is available now

Kenwyne Jones bunks off Stoke training to play football

Back of the Net — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 11:17:00 GMT

Back of the Net's John Foster with shock news from the Potteries

Stoke City forward Kenwyne Jones has been spending less and less time in training, according to reports from the Britannia Stadium, frequently choosing to spend his time playing football instead.

Jones, a keen sportsman from a young age, says he likes the release that football gives him from the tedious grind of his day job as a striker for Stoke City.

“I really enjoy playing football, especially the technical side – you know, ball control, passing, that sort of thing,” Jones told FourFourTwo.

“But sadly my boss looks down on all that, so I have to be pretty careful in case he finds out about it.”

The 27-year-old admitted that sometimes his thoughts stray to football when he’s meant to be concentrating on other things.

“The other day, when I was working the channels, I noticed some Manchester United players having a game of football behind me. They seemed to be having a really good time, so I stopped and watched them for a while. It was beautiful.

“But then Mr Pulis screamed at me to get stuck in, so of course I had to forget about football for a while.”

Jones also revealed that his family had urged him to consider making a career out of football, but he wasn’t convinced it would be right for him.

“It’s tempting, and I’ve thought about it a lot in the past, but my whole life is here now. Besides, I know my job is a bit rubbish, but someone’s got to do it. Who else is going to rough up the centre-backs and win those flick-ons? Diego Arismendi? I don’t think so.”

Previous stories:
De Gea: If I stare at the floodlights I see angels
Ball still bobbling around in Villa box, three days later
Wigan given permission to talk to Maynard, but not about football
Banana touted as potential banana skin for Hull
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Back of the Net writer Paul Watson's book Up Pohnpei: A Quest to Reclaim the Soul of Football by Leading the World's Ultimate Underdogs to Glory is available now

De Gea: If I stare at the floodlights, I see angels

Back of the Net — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 11:45:00 GMT

Back of the Net's John Foster explains the United stopper's visions

Manchester United keeper David de Gea insists that if he stares directly into the Old Trafford floodlights, a celestial host of cherubim and seraphim emerge and sing heavenly melodies unto him, sources close to the 21-year-old were reporting yesterday.

Ex-Atlético Madrid ace De Gea has endured a mixed start to his career in England after a series of high-profile gaffes led pundits to question Sir Alex Ferguson’s decision to put his faith in a man who looks like a bashful werewolf.

But the watchful presence of the heavenly host has reassured the Spanish stopper that his luck is about to change.

“It happened first against West Brom”, De Gea said. “I was just looking at the floodlights for ages and ages, and then time seemed to stop, and this figure that looked like a winged Steve Coppell flew out of the brightness and hovered in front of me, smiling.

“When he vanished, I felt an incredible sense of calm, and Shane Long had made it 1-0.”

The second time the wispy-faced custodian saw angels was against Manchester City in October.

“I stared at the floodlights for 20, maybe 25 minutes,” he recalled, “And eventually the clouds parted, beautiful music filled the air, and the spirit of Remi Moses appeared and told me to narrow the angle.

“I felt so happy, until he called me a pillock because I’d just let Edin Dzeko make it 6-1.”

The young No.1 admitted that he is keen to see more angels, but he doesn’t know yet when they will descend upon him, their voices raised in celestial harmony, mirroring the divine order of creation.

“We’re at home to Liverpool next,” said De Gea. “I'll just have to stare into the floodlights for long periods of the game, and we’ll see what happens.”

Goalkeeping eccentricities are nothing new at Old Trafford. Les Sealey used to slaughter a goat in the centre circle before kick-off, which he would then consume at half-time in lieu of oranges.

Later, Peter Schmeichel insisted on playing alongside a life-size toby jug, which would go on to build a career in management, most recently with Sunderland.

Previous stories:
Ball still bobbling around in Villa box, three days later
Wigan given permission to talk to Maynard, but not about football
Banana touted as potential banana skin for Hull
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Ball still bobbling around in Villa box, three days later

Back of the Net — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 16:00:00 GMT

Seventy hours after the final whistle of their FA Cup fourth round defeat against Arsenal, a bedraggled Aston Villa back-line are still battling in vain to clear the ball from their penalty box, a statement on the club’s website has revealed.

Villa looked set to spring a cup shock when they took a 2-0 lead into half-time at the Emirates Stadium, but reality set in as some slipshod defending saw McLeish’s men fall to a 3-2 defeat.

And things have gone from bad to worse for Villa fans as the club have admitted on their website that their jobbing back four still haven’t managed to clear their lines, almost three days after their opponents left the pitch.

Despite the upbeat headline "Villa close to getting routine cross clear", video clips showing a clearly exhausted Alan Hutton drilling clearance after clearance into the back of a bruised and bloodied Richard Dunne while a confused Stephen Warnock spins around in small circles have raised serious concerns about the future of the club.

An interview with ineffective managerial growly-man Alex McLeish, whose top button is now irrevocably undone, betrayed the severity of the situation.

“It’s no secret that we’ve no[t] cleared the ball yet,” the Big Eck rasped while straightening out a sleeping bag on the edge of the technical area.

“Arsenal are a talented side, but at this point we’ve got only ourselves to blame. It’s a big worry because at any point you feel Van Persie could drop by again and punish us.”

McLeish is under pressure to resolve the situation quickly after coming in for severe criticism when Villa conceded twice against Wolves a fortnight ago while their defensive quartet tried to unlock Gabby Agbonlahor’s new phone.

Previous stories:
Wigan given permission to talk to Maynard, but not about football
Banana touted as potential banana skin for Hull
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Wigan permitted to talk to Maynard, but not about football (or fishing)

Back of the Net — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:30:00 GMT

The in-demand Bristol City striker is set for non-football related talks with Wigan, so says Back of the Net's John Foster...

Bristol City have given Wigan Athletic permission to talk to highly-rated frontman Nicky Maynard, FourFourTwo.com understands, so long as the Premier League side promise to ‘stay off the topic of football’.

“Wigan have expressed an interest in Nicky”, Robins manager Derek McInnes confirmed to our reporter. "We’re happy for them to come down and have a chat with him, but if I hear the words ‘football’, ‘contract’, or ‘transfer’, I’ll have to ask them to leave.”

“There will be no touching, either”, he added.

A list of approved conversation topics, seen by FourFourTwo.com earlier today, includes motoring, the weather, Maynard’s recent holiday in Guadeloupe, and the possible reunification of the Sugababes’ original lineup.

An attempt by Wigan boss Roberto Martinez to add ‘fishing’ to the list was refused, with City officials suspicious that Martinez would use the opportunity to make reference to Maynard’s potential strike partner, Conor Sammon.

Similarly, Maynard’s stated desire to talk to Martinez about his favourite television programme, Dark Wing Duck, was dismissed when Ashton Gate officials noticed that the line in the theme tune, “when there’s trouble you call DW”, could be interpreted as a come-and-get-me plea to Wigan chairman Dave Whelan.

Wigan have been frustrated in this season’s transfer window, failing to negotiate a move for Dutch striker John Verhoek after he disagreed with Whelan over the best method for poaching eggs, while the transfer of Leeds ace Ross McCormack in early January broke down acrimoniously, with Martinez denying that the phrase ‘taking down the Christmas tree’ was a coded reference to tactics.

Previous stories:
Banana touted as potential banana skin for Hull
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Banana touted as potential banana skin

Back of the Net — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 14:39:00 GMT

Back of the Net's John Foster on the potential Tigers-taming tasty comestible

A banana, Hull City’s opponents in the FA Cup Fourth Round, is being touted in various quarters as a potential banana skin.

The banana progressed to the fourth round following a surprise 2-1 win over Brentford – and ever since the draw pitted them against the Tigers, pundits have been queueing up to speculate that they might repeat the trick at the KC Stadium.

"It’s easy to see Hull slipping up," warned ex-Chelsea coach Ray Wilkins, who has been spotted talking tactics with the banana.

"Many teams get overconfident when they’re facing a side from a lower division, especially when that side is an inanimate piece of fruit.

"The most important thing of all for Hull, though," Wilkins added, "is that they stay on their feet."

Hull boss Nick Barmby was keen to stress his awareness of the threat posed by his opponents.

"We’re well aware of what [the banana] can do," he told FourFourTwo. "We had it watched in the last round, when it really got in Brentford’s faces, and last weekend, in Waitrose, when it sat deep in a shelf full of other bananas, rebuffing any advances with its prohibitive price tag.

"We’ve definitely got the advantage in terms of height and mobility, and so long as we don’t choke, I think [the banana] is there for the taking."

Defeat to the banana would mark yet another embarrassing failure for Hull against nominally inferior opposition. The Championship side were famously left with egg on their faces after their clash with a chicken in 2010, while in 2008 a young side was embarrassed by a saucy postcard.

Elsewhere in the fourth round, Swindon Town, a side made up entirely of players called David armed with slingshots, are being widely tipped as potential giantkillers.

Previous stories:
Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Nobody able to explain why Tony Hibbert is in Gabon

Back of the Net — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:45:00 GMT

Back of the Net's John Foster on the Africa Cup of Nations-induced selection headache facing Everton boss David Moyes (not really...)

Everton’s Tony Hibbert has been spotted in Gabonese capital Libreville, leading to speculation the gaunt right-back may be playing in the African Nations’ Cup.

Gingery lynchpin Hibbert has no scouting experience, has not been given leave by his club, and is not believed to be working for any media organisations. In addition, he is not eligible to play for Gabon, nor any of the other participants in this year’s competition. Both his parents and all four of his grandparents are English, meaning Hibbert’s international options are limited to England and the Republic of Ireland.

"He missed training on Monday, but I assumed he’d asked the gaffer [David Moyes], and the gaffer assumed he’d asked me", commented assistant boss Steve Round.

"Then we saw the pictures from a Libreville street market of Tony making a last-ditch tackle on a tricky fruit vendor. It has to be him. Nobody else would be wearing a Gabon shirt with ‘Hibbert’ on the back."

Everton are now investigating the absences of other first-team players who may or may not be playing in the African Nations’ Cup.

‘I was doubtful about Seamus Coleman being from the Ivory Coast, but then he showed me on Wikipedia so I had let him go,’ continued Round. ‘I thought Victor [Anichebe] wasn’t going, because Nigeria haven’t qualified, but he told me he was actually from Niger, and I got embarrassed and let him go too.’

‘I was sure Diniyar Bilyaletdinov wasn’t African, but then, I was also sure the Upper Volta was in Bulgaria, and it turns out it’s in Africa, like Tony Hibbert.’

An anonymous source close to Goodison Park has told FourFourTwo that Everton’s stars are planning to take in a safari and do a spot of trekking, before going to Kono to meet Joseph Yobo’s parents.

Previous stories:
Spurs target found to be carefully-arranged pile of shoeboxes
O'Neill creates "stunning" rogan josh from contents of Bruce's pantry

Redknapp thinking outside the box in transfer quest, as O'Neill curries favour at Sunderland

Back of the Net — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:13:00 GMT

Is it news? Is it plain? No, it's the return of Back of the Net...

Spurs target found to be carefully arranged pile of shoeboxes

Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp has admitted his disappointment after a scouting mission to watch Marseille striker Loic Remy revealed the gifted marksman to be a sturdy pile of discarded footwear containers.

The day after a 1-1 draw with Wolves ended Spurs’ 24-hour bid to win the Premier League, Redknapp jetted off to watch Remy net twice in Marseille’s win over Lille.

However, while the French Press continue to laud the 24-goal hitman, Redknapp wasn’t satisfied with what he saw.

“From a distance he looked the part and he’s taken his two goals well in fairness,” Redknapp told Back of the Net while completing the sale of a job lot of Region-3 DVDs on Brick Lane.

“But late on in the game it’s become clear that he’s actually a collection of cardboard boxes with a shirt pulled over them and that, for me, is a concern.

“Loic’s had fantastic success in Ligue 1, but the Premier League is another matter. Against your Boltons and Blackburns maybe we could bounce a few off Remy, but his movement is going to let him down against the likes of your Manchester Citys, in fairness.

“At least this shows why it was necessary for me to fly across Europe rather than trust the word of a network of highly-paid scouts, countless videos and newspaper articles.”

Redknapp was also disappointed in the summer when he was forced to back out of a deal for Brazilian marksman Luis Fabiano at the 11th hour after scouts discovered he was in fact a thriving coffee shop.

The worst victims of lax scouting in recent times were Bristol Rovers, who signed Latvian international Vitalijs Astafjevs in 2000 only to later discover that he was a plural, forcing comedian turned manager Ian Holloway to field 10 men for most of the campaign.

O’Neill creates ‘stunning’ rogan josh from contents of Bruce’s pantry

New Sunderland boss Martin O’Neill continues to impress at the Stadium of Light after producing a delectable curry from a cupboard of ingredients Steve Bruce had written off.

The arrival of O’Neill has seen a marked upturn in the Black Cats’ fortunes with players, fans and staff alike praising his immediate impact and heavily insinuating their relief at Bruce’s exit.

“With all due respect to Brucey [Steve Bruce], Martin’s brought a real buzz to the place,” defender Matthew Kilgallon enthused.

“It’s just nice to come in to training and not feel a disorientating cocktail of revulsion and sympathy.”

Within an hour of his appointment, O’Neill had already sorted out set piece marking, instigated a new fitness regime and completed a sudoku puzzle that Bruce had been battling with since this time last season.

And upon Sunderland’s triumphant return to the North East following the recent FA Cup third round win at Peterborough, O’Neill pulled off an equally impressive culinary tour de force at the Stadium of Light.

Flinging open a draw marked ‘Steve Bruce’s stuff’, O’Neill rustled up a rogan josh that wowed his squad.

“The gaffer’s just gone through the box and pulled out two quartered onions, some sunflower oil, four garlic cloves, a thumb-sized piece of root ginger, Madras curry paste, paprika, a cinnamon stick, six green cardamom, four cloves, two bay leaves, a tube of tomato puree, a lean leg of lamb and a tub of Greek yoghurt and before you know it he’s made a stunning curry for us all,” Kilgallon explained.

“It’s taken us all by surprise because the old gaffer [Steve Bruce] had told us he couldn’t make anything without buying in some new ingredients.”