Crazy World of Football

How Will They Line Up? Liverpool v Chelsea

2013-04-18T17:47:00Z

The mirthmakers who call themselves The Exploding Heads continue to amuse with their How Will They Line Up? weekend previews. Here's their look at Liverpool v Chelsea...

More from The Exploding Heads

Marouane Fellaini in a chef's hat

2013-04-12T13:47:00Z

Behold Marouane Fellaini taking part in a Chang Beer cookery class to celebrate Thai New Year (Songkran), 13th-15th April.

Click for bigger picture. You know you want to.

Name the footballing big-heads

2013-04-12T12:40:00Z

Craig Robinson, who has spent 18 years collecting 5,000 football figurines, has been hired as Head Of Quality Control for a Capital One competition giving 1,000 fans the chance to be immortalised as a miniature model. Which is nice.

But hang on, back up a bit. Let's absorb that information: Craig has 5,000 football figurines. You have to applaud that kind of dedication, and there's fun afoot here too. How many of the figurines in the final photograph can you name? Note: this isn't a competition, but it's curiously addictive, having ground the FFT office to a halt today…

(You may wish to head over to FourFourTwo's Facebook and Google+ pages for a larger image and the chance to name the bubble-heads. We'll try to get the answers to you early next week…)

Join the conversation on Facebook • Google+ • Twitter

FC Santa Claus

2012-12-20T12:25:00Z

On a football pitch blanketed with two inches of snow, one of Santa’s elves is attempting to score a goal with an extravagant bicycle kick. The uninitiated spectator might blame such a vision on a potent cocktail of football and festive fever – not to mention a little too much mulled wine – but their eyes are not deceiving them.

This is Rovaniemi, real-life home to Santa Claus and, believe it or not, his football team, FC Santa Claus. All of the letters addressed to Santa arrive in this small town in Lapland situated inside the Arctic Circle. He even has his own post office where a staff of resourceful elves set about sorting the mail sent from children all over the world.

As you might expect, at this time of year the place is a hive of activity, but Santa’s red and white army still find time for some football, weighing up the various merits of playing the Christmas tree formation, looking for gifts in front of goal and, given the freezing conditions, walking off the pitch after 90 minutes with distinctly red noses.

But FC Santa Claus is not a mere tourist novelty, despite the opportunity for the kind of puns best left inside a Christmas cracker. They’re actually a pretty decent football team, playing in Finland’s second division. “FC Santa Claus is a serious club playing at a good level, developing local players for the Rovaniemi first team and beyond,” says coach and former Finnish premiership ace Matti Hiukka. To see that you only need to look at FC Santa’s training facilities, which include a floodlit artificial pitch complete with underground heating to combat the frost.

Still, things are a little surreal at times. “We are the official home of Santa Claus and it’s very important to us,” says Jukka Markkanen, one of the Rovaniemi post office workers attired in full elf’s outfit complete with felt hat and jingling bell. He’s also one of FC Santa Claus’s midfielders.

So what role does Santa himself take in all this? Obviously he’s a bit too old to play – and not exactly match-fit either – so the big man tends to assume the Alex Ferguson role, presumably minus the half-time hairdryer. In any case, thanks to that stunning bicycle kick, he proudly saw his elves defeat FC Santa Claus 6-5 in the snow-bound five-a-side game. Plenty of cause for Christmas cheer, then.

Edin Dzeko sends a reminder to Man City boss Roberto Mancini

2012-10-19T13:22:00Z

I Can't Stop Staring At: This curious Korean tribute to Owen Coyle

2012-10-04T10:10:00Z

Gotta love the internet: it allows us to reach across oceans in pursuit of common interests. And to share brilliant things. Like this image which was tweeted to Bolton Wanderers' official feed by Korean fan @fe201087.

The Photoshop frenzy may not be the best you've ever seen, but bookmark this page and pop back whenever you're feeling down. It can't help but raise a smile – as even Bolton fans would admit.

Seen anything brilliant online? Share it! Alert us @FourFourTwo, on Facebook, Google+ or email contact@fourfourtwo.com.
Thanks to @SeanLightbown for pointing this out.

MAN CITY UNVEIL NEW BOSS (deal)

2012-10-02T11:13:00Z

No, it's not the end of Roberto Mancini's reign, but the official announcement of a tie-up with popular cloth-floggers Hugo Boss. Cue a photo-opportunity that evidently doesn't, erm, suit every player as much as it does the urbane Mancini.

(See a larger version here)

A few questions:

Who decided to park new boy Richard Wright behind the bemohican'd bonce of Balotelli?
Why is Wright stood next to Bill Murray?
Did James Milner check a mirror before the picture?
Did Nigel de Jong fly back from Italy for the pic, or have City been sat on this for a while?
Have footballers abandoned the once-prevalent fat tie-knot, or did a Boss bod go round tightening their ties like fussy mums on the first day of school?
And exactly how big is David Platt's head?

Why Alex Song chose 'Mo Money, Mo Problems' as his Barça theme

2012-08-21T14:03:00Z

We were initially intrigued to hear that to accompany his Barcelona presentation, Alex Song had chosen the Notorious B.I.G.'s Mo Money Mo Problems. It might not seem like the most empathetic choice for a millionaire footballer emigrating to a country ravaged by economic meltdown, but further study shows that Song's choice is fitting in a number of ways.

One of the most popular hip-hop releases in history, it is musically based on Diana Ross's I'm Coming Out. Not that the happily-married Song is about to reveal anything new about his sexuality, but Ross was referring to her impending switch from Motown and longterm mentor Berry Gordy, which may have echoes in Song leaving Arsene Wenger.

Presumably Song identifies with the lyrics; he may even have had it blaring out in the dressing room at Colney or the Emirates. If so, Wenger and his coaching staff would be upset to hear Song sing in the very first verse that "Cooter schooled me to the game, now I know my duty".

Elsewhere in the first verse, we hear guest rapper Mase ask "Tell me who rock, who sell out in the stores". Perhaps Song is confident his shirt sales will outdo those of his Barcelona peers. Like Mase, he has high hopes: "Can't stop till I see my name on a blimp" – an ambition Song may not fulfil, unlike former Wimbledon defender Clive Goodyear (who is also one ahead of Alex in owning an FA Cup winners' medal).

In the second verse, performed by Puff Daddy, we learn that "I call all the shots" – a handy ability if providing a defensive screen in front of the back four. Barcelona may have lost their domestic and continental titles, but Daddy foresees a dynasty – "ten years from now we'll still be on top".

Indeed, in words which may be seen as a direct attack on the Arsenal hierarchy's perceived parsimony, Daddy/Song notes "Bag a money much longer than yours / And a team much stronger than yours", although it's hard to imagine Stan Kroenke agreeing to "violate me".

Taking over for the third verse, B.I.G. himself notes that Song's new side play the right kind of football: "My team supreme, stay clean". However, a footballer's fate is fragile, and the lyrics could refer to the potentially disastrous economic effect of injury – "Bruise too much, I lose too much" – or becoming a target for fans' frustration: "Step on stage, the girls boo too much".

Good luck to Alex Song, and remember the final verse's closing words: "Got the flow down pizat, platinum plus like thizat, dangerous on trizack, leave your ass blizzack." We couldn't agree more.

You can listen to the song (but not Song) here.
Advisory: contains words which some may find offensive.

Iker Casillas squares up to UFC fighter in LA

2012-08-03T13:46:00Z

Real Madrid's players are currently in Los Angeles as part of the club's pre-season preparations. During a trip to UCLA, they bumped into a 6ft4 Brazilian mixed martial artist, so naturally goalkeeper Iker Casillas engaged in a spot of sparring, while Cristiano Ronaldo happily showed off his muscles.

The brute in question is Fabricio Werdum, nicknamed Vai Cavalo (or 'Go Horse'....nope, no idea) and currently ranked 4th in the world. Good luck, lads...

The UFC is returning to the UK on 29th September at the Capital FM Arena in Nottingham. Tickets are available from Capitalfmarena.com, UFC.com and the Capital FM Arena box office.

Man City strip photoshoot: One small problem

2012-07-05T16:01:00Z

The latest Man City strips are being released, which means it's time to wheel out loveable Noel Gallagher, who's 5'8", alongside City captain Vincent Kompany, a rather more commanding 6'3". With Kompany having a good seven inches on Noel, you can imagine the quotes from behind the camera:

"Noel, love, try to ignore the fact that Vinny's so much taller than you…"

"…tell you what, try tilting your chin up…"

"…forget it. Sandra, fetch the box."

Pub team vs Euro legends. Not the walkover you might think...

2012-06-15T11:19:00Z

As the climax to a national pub cup, Carlsberg flew a team out to be managed by Gareth Southgate against a team of legends. Ollie Stretton watched it for FourFourTwo...

The competition: the Carlsberg Pub Cup. The prize: a game against a team of European Legends in Warsaw and a trip to watch England play Sweden in Kiev. How could this not get anyone excited?

More than 4,000 teams entered the competition and the winning team – to be managed by Gareth Southgate – was International FC, representing the Britannia Pub in Monument, London.

In a competition of that size, you can't amble to victory and Southgate was suitably impressed with his new charges. “I was very impressed with the spirit and attitude amongst them," said the former England man. "They’re confident without being arrogant: they know each other and clearly care about each other. They wanted to listen and take things on board.”

They'd need to. In the game at the Carlsberg Fancamp, International FC were to face a team including Patrick Berger, Nuno Valente, Vitor Baia, Michel Salgado and Bolo Zenden – a daunting prospect for any team.

The Legends and the lads from the pub

It was Zenden whom Southgate identified as the main threat going into the game. “I played with Zenden and his understanding of tactics is great. That’s what the Dutch have done well over the years: they’ve raised players with that tactical understanding. He’ll take up dangerous positions and can play on both feet too.”

How right Southgate was. Despite initial confusion over the five-a-side rules, the Legends soon took a grip of the game, Berger still showing his class, Salgado his strength and commitment and Valente, well, perhaps a few additional pounds since he hung up his boots.

It was Salgado who gave the Legends an early lead by following up a Zenden shot saved by the impressive International FC goalkeeper-captain Michael Dill. Zenden was clearly pulling the strings but as half time approached International FC equalised.

"Get out there and give 'em hell!"

Gareth Southgate’s half-time team talk obviously had an impact as International FC were quickest out of the blocks, forcing Baia into a series of good saves. However, the Legends' class finally got the better as first Berger and then Salgado scored fine goals to seal a 3-1 victory for the Legends.

Not that proud International FC skipper Dill minded too much. “It was an honour to have the likes of Zenden, Berger and Salgado score past me," he grinned. "Clearly, they haven’t lost that quality!”

For International FC it was onto Kiev to watch England take on Sweden in what turned out to be another exciting encounter. The boys from the boozer had represented their country in the Carlsberg Pub Cup: now it was down to Carroll, Walcott and Welbeck to show them how it’s done.

Gareth Southgate was managing the Carlsberg Pub Cup five-a-side winners against a team of European Legends at the Carlsberg Fancamp, Warsaw. Visit youtube.com/carlsberguk to see highlights from the grand final and watch the Carlsberg Euro 2012 advert.

Spot the masquerading Movember men

2011-11-30T17:40:00Z

As Movember draws to a close – quick, sponsor FourFourTwo's Mo-mob here – we've collated a few top-class top lips (and a few face-fur failures).

But can you identify the make-believe moustaches we've smuggled into the line-ups below?

Well done to all who've taken part in raising money and awareness towards research into male cancers. The Mo-men in our department are (clockwise from top left) art editor Anth Moore, online news editor Gregg Davies, commissioning editor Louis Massarella and FourFourTwo.com editor Gary Parkinson.

England star hanging out the back of an old banger

2011-05-19T15:01:00Z

Look, we couldn't resist it.

He's gone for the ball, but got the man

2011-04-20T15:37:00Z

Scuse us for being rather juvenile, but to our minds in this 2007 pic it looks rather like Andrew Surman has walloped Richard Chaplow goalwards...

Your chance to be naked in a football stadium!

2008-04-23T16:57:00Z

On May 11, as the Premier League draws to a doubtlessly dizzying denouement, there will be more than a few arses on show.

No, not the fine representatives of the Greatest League On Earth; in Vienna’s Ernst Happel Stadion, 2,008 people will be going butt-naked and having their picture taken.

Before you start booking your flights to Austria – in itself, an unusual experience for Brits this summer – it’s not some kind of mad exhibitionist orgy. The revered playground of Strauss and Mozart demands a cultural hook for such an event, and of course wherever there’s naked flesh, there’s a photographer nearby fumbling with his lens-cap and taking ‘arty’ shots.

In this case, yer man with the zoom lens is Spencer Tunick, an American artist with previous in this field – he’s spent the last 20 years photographing hundreds of people with their swingers in the breeze.

Having worked his way up through single nudes at bus stops and scores of them at a school in Dulwich – calm down, Daily Mail readers, it wasn’t like that – he became (in)famous for large-scale arrangements of public nakedness from Melbourne to Montreal to Mexico City, this last attracting a record 18,000 people to bare their wares in the capital city’s principal square.

That’s about the average attendance at the JJB Stadium, but with not a pocket between them to hold their Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls. He’s also persuaded hundreds of Geordies to wander around Newcastle city centre at 4am wearing nothing but a smile, presumably on this occasion without help from the brown ale. But is it art?

Thousands of Mexicans. Not a single sombrero.

"A body is a living entity,” gushes Mr T (not that one). “It represents life, freedom, sensuality. A body is always beautiful to me. In my group works, the only difference is how far people can go if it rains, snows etc.”

But why Austria, and why now (well, May 11)? The eagle-eyed will have noted that 2,008 isn’t a round number, but it is the year we’re in. And this summer Vienna is a host city for some international football tournament or other, apparently co-hosted with Switzerland (a curious co-host, considering they’ve spent so long declaring their independence and neutrality).

Accordingly, Tunick has been commissioned by culture vultures Osterreich Am Ball [Austria has the Ball] to mark the occasion with a nice piccie, or, as he puts it, “to capture and combine the spirit of sports, the grand sweeping waves of stadium architecture and the abstract relation of the human form to modern structures.” And some bollies and boobies, obviously.

Interested? Sign up here.

Details are sketchy at the moment, except that each participant will be asked to bring a football – which could come in handy for covering your modesty in case of a last-minute embarrassment attack. However, it’s made very plain that unlike football, this is no spectator sport: only participants will be allowed inside the stadium.

So if you want to be in the snaps, you must be out of your slacks. And for one of the more interesting experiences you can have inside a football stadium, it might well be worth it. Let’s be honest, it can’t be any worse than watching the Sky Sports cameras lovingly zoom in for grisly close-ups of the agonised features of Gary Megson, Steve Coppell or Avram Grant.

Bulking up with the Dalai Lama of the MLS

2008-02-27T20:00:00Z

Footballer’s blogs are a peculiar business.

Back when Crazy World was a lad, information about your favourite player was thin on the ground. The best you could hope for in the seventies and eighties was the odd Q&A in Match, in which you’d find out that your hero was married to a woman called Joan and disliked rude people. Insightful it wasn’t.

These days, quite the opposite is true. The internet has provided us with numerous websites run by dedicated fans or media organisations, packed with the most astonishing minutiae of players lives, from their literary preferences (“I don’t read books” says Andrew Johnson) to their pets (Dirk Kuyt apparently has a rabbit called Trigger).

Most of them, it has to be said, aren’t worth bothering with. The blogs are dictated down phone lines by bored players to bored journalists, or collated by anoraks, and are chock-full of the usual bleeding obvious platitudes about being over the moon following the latest win.

Strangely, the one time they do get interesting is when a time-rich, laptop-toting player decides to actually write it themselves.

Things really took off with Aki Riihilahti’s wonderfully random web diary, in which the former Crystal Palace midfield maestro discussed life, the universe and everything with all the gusto of a Selhurst Park Hunter S. Thompson colliding with Karl Pilkington.

The Finn, now plying his trade at Djurgardens IF, famously claimed he’d been very popular at junior school because of his ability to stand on his head for over two minutes.

He revealed a philosophical side, claiming: "sure, I cry and feel pain about football results, but the view of an old man grieving next to his wife’s coffin is real pain.”

And he had a unique talent for a metaphor. “Injuries are like ketchup,” pondered Aki once. “First there is long quiet period, but then suddenly there comes out a big wave of ***.”

Next was Moritz Volz, a German so wilfully wacky that we’re surprised he doesn’t take to the pitch in a collapsible clown car, wearing a revolving bow tie.

His blog is here, but all you need to really know about the Teutonic crackpot’s philosophy is contained in this FourFourTwo interview, where the Fulham defender reveals his near-fanatical dedication to David Hasselhoff.

However, this week a new blogger was brought to Crazy World’s attention who could conceivably be the most interesting of the lot: Joe Cannon of San Jose Earthquakes. His latest effort is a two thousand-word tract about breakfasts.

It all started when big Joe, the Earthquake’s ginormous stopper, was running late for training, not leaving enough time to prepare his usual oatmeal.

“I thought about my favorite smoothie in the world,” salivates the former MLS Goalkeeper of the Year. “The gift that keeps giving, the dessert of the morning, the perfect blend of taste, nutrition and substance. I was thinking about the ‘HULK’.”

The HULK, it transpires, is 20z of goodness containing weight gain, butter pecan ice cream, bananas, egg protein, soy protein, milk, carbohydrate mix, vanilla, wheat germ, turbinado, and honey.

“I, Joe Cannon, put my name and reputation behind this,” states Joe solemnly.

However, upon arriving at the purveyors of the HULK, Smoothie King, Joe gets a shock. The store is to be shut down this week. He isn’t happy. “I felt cheated, slapped in the face, and disrespected.”

“Each of us have a "HULK" in our lives. To some it’s their wives, to others it’s their soccer team. The "HULK" is symbolic to all of us, to remind us that there are things in this life which are fighting for.”

Cannon is now spearheading a campaign to save the San Jose store. “The chances are slim that I can help rescue Smoothie King, but I have to try.”

He adds: “Life is not about the result, but the journey,” a wonderful philosophy that is in keeping with the teachings of the Dalai Lama, but at odds with the thought of most football folk who, conversely, are just happy with the three points even though we didn’t play as well as we know we can.

Whichever school of thought you’re in, it makes a refreshing change from the norm. Crazy World will certainly be reading Joe's ramblings every week. And next time we’re stateside, our skinny ass is getting bulked up on one of these

Violence is Golden, and Sophie Dahl naked

2008-02-19T16:50:00Z

A-G!

G-R-O!

A-G-R-O!

Aggro!

Ah, the illiterate, lumpen chanting of Crazy World’s youth. We’d like to say that we’ve grown up and moved on since then. But that would be a rotten lie.

And we bet you haven’t, either. Be honest now: is there anything better than witnessing mindless violence on the football field?

Yes, yes, we’d run a mile and cower in a corner if we saw any real, Danny Dyer-endorsed “naughtiness”, of course.

And players who fight are a disgrace, bad role models for kids, and should be locked up with the key thrown away etc.

But let’s face it: when David Coleman popped up on the telly before the infamous ‘62 World Cup Battle of Santiago between Chile and Italy and declared that what we were about to witness was “the most appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition, possibly in the history of the game”, how many people do you think turned off, appalled?

And how many do you reckon turned and bellowed: “Quick! Kids! Grandma! You’ve gotta see this! It’s going off on the telly!”

It’s a bit like when The Daily Mail gets on its extra-lofty high horse about, say, Sophie Dahl appearing naked in a perfume advert, then prints a whopping great picture of it just so all us decent citizens can be absolutely disgusted. (Remind yourself here. Crazy World’s virgin eyes were stunned and offended, naturally).

So. Five players getting sent off in the Bogota derby match in which Millonarios beat La Equidad 2-1 this week was right up our bloodthirsty street.

This was small fry, however, compared to some of our favourites. The aggro connoisseur know there are many different sorts of brawl.

There’s your average, rather pathetic example: basically an embarrassing display of pushing and shoving in which nobody wants to get their precious face hurt, like this LA Galaxy vs Chivas match involving David Beckham and somebody called Buddle.

Then there’s your proper ruckus, which incorporated actual physical pain, and should really lead to jail sentences and restraining orders. Try this South American melee, a schoolyard pagga if ever we’ve seen one.

And then there’s your festival of improvised Kung Fu, basically a small scale war, which only someone as unhinged as Maradona can inspire.

If that’s not enough for you, FourFourTwo.com have even found the 20 best dust-ups on Youtube for your delectation.

Just so you can remind yourself that there’s no place for this in football, and that lifetime bans should be issued all round, of course. Bloody outrage...

Axis Of Evil threatened by folk ballad

2008-02-13T16:15:00Z

Korea is rapidly becoming Crazy World’s favourite war-torn peninsula.

Following news last week that its footballers were deliberately dislocating their shoulders to get out of military service, North and South Korea are now at loggerheads over which national anthems and flags will be used when the two countries meet in a World Cup qualifier next month.

The Northerners, who fans of the impending apocalypse will remember are led by deranged lunatic Kim Jong-il (brilliantly, although perhaps not very accurately, parodied in Team America: World Police), want to share a joint flag and anthem – a jaunty folk ballad sung widely in both countries and rebranded cleverly by a team of marketing consultants as the “United Korean Anthem.”

The Southerners disagree, and demand that they use their own identifying standard and ditty.

It’s not the first time they've had a bit of a bicker.

The countries are still technically at war, with each state’s constitution declaring that their government is legitimate ruler of the whole peninsula, but they’ve been on ceasefire since 1953.

Crazy World advises caution: wars have kicked off over less when football is concerned. Just ask Honduras or El Salvador, who fought for six days in 1969 after national tensions bubbled over following rioting at an international match.

Anyway, it's surely better to remember both peoples as an enthusiastic bunch who have enriched several World Cups. First there was the North Koreans, who wooed Teesiders by beating Italy 1-0 at Ayresome Park during World Cup 1966.

They then faced Portugal in the quarter-final, and, with 50,000 Smoggies roaring them on with huge chants of “Ko-re-a”, stormed into a seemingly unassailable 3-0 lead. They were, alas, pegged back by four Eusebio goals, but the English were impressed.

“They came from the other side of the world as 1000-1 no-hopers,” tromboned the Daily Mirror. “They leave world football wondering how far they will advance."

Not very far at all, was the answer. As the North gradually cut itself off from the world, they never qualified again.

It was left to their pals in the South to carry the area's footballing hopes. Their crowning moment was hosting the 2002 World Cup, jointly and highly successfully, with Japan.

The South Korea fans, it turned out, were absolutely berserk, with their co-ordinated outfits, wild-eyed fanaticism and highly choreographed chants. It was like something out of Nazi Germany – but in a nice way, y’know.

They were even impressive here in England. Crazy World found itself in a boozer in New Malden, Surrey (home to Britain’s largest Korean population) during the World Cup 2006, and this was the scene that unfolded when the Reds popped a goal past Togo. The noise was akin to a fire at Battersea Dogs Home.

Batshit mental, maybe, but those Koreans were polite, too. “I was in here last week for the England match last week, and drunk fans were spitting on me,” sighed a local copper on duty that afternoon. “These people are lovely. They keep offering me sushi.”

Anyway. Whatever happens in Pyongyang on March 26, we’re guessing it won’t be boring. Watch this space...

Indecent proposals and Drogba binbags: Africa's still crazy

2008-02-12T10:14:00Z

It’s tricky to comment on the African Cup of Nations without descending into cliché. You just had to listen to the patronising babble spouted by pretty much every TV commentator during the tournament.

You couldn’t watch a game without being subjected to predictable talk about the stars “playing the game with a smile on their face”, teams that were “physically impressive, but tactically naïve” and laughter about "eccentric" goalkeepers, not to mention the “spectacular rhythm and colour around the ground”.

They might as well have added “the dozy African blighters” to this pseudo-racist guff and be done with it.

Nevertheless, the Africans themselves cannot be entirely acquitted on the charge of bringing some of this on themselves by being extremely silly on a routine basis. And that, Crazy World Of Football believes, is something to be celebrated.

To recap the last couple of weeks, we’ve had Yakubu taking an unscheduled holiday after Nigeria were knocked out of the tournament, leaving David Moyes bug-eyed with rage (although come to think of it, when is Moyes not bug-eyed with rage?)

Then Nottingham Forest’s Junior Agogo was offered an 82-year old fan’s granddaughter by way of a reward for helping Ghana to the semi final (he politely declined where many a Premiership roaster may have waded in.)

Following this, news arrived that leading players from the tournament were to be immortalised on “refuse sacks” by Ghanaian company Trashy Bags: Didier Drogba, Salomon Kalou and Michael Essien are among the stars now getting lobbed in the bin.

Perhaps most insanely of all, there was the moment that Ghana and Reading’s Andre Bikey completely lost his marbles and attacked a paramedic trying to assist an injured Rigobert Song.

And of course, cruel laughter could be gleaned from Song’s own "tactically naïve" (ie crap) defending that helped hand Egypt the title on a platter.

This of course sparked colourful, rhythmic celebrations. Who are we kidding? They're madder than wet hens.

How Escape To Victory became reality

2008-02-04T18:22:00Z

Escape To Victory. Implausible, right? Well, on many levels, yes. There’s the bit where Sly Stallone slips out of the POW camp, is smuggled to Paris, contacts le Resistance, has a cheeky encounter with a smokin’ hot Parisian mademoiselle and then gets re-captured just so he can return to assist the prisoners’ fiendish plot.

Why didn’t everyone just slip out the camp and bugger off to the French capital for some illicit romance and a brioche, if it was so easy? Eh?

Then there’s the ludicrous bit where they decide not to escape down the magic tunnel despite being four goals down, star man Pele being unable to walk, and the fiendish Nazi eleven being intent on their certain death.

And, most mind-bogglingly incomprehensible of all, Stallone’s footballing abilities (“His goalkeeping was surreal,” fellow star John Wark once told FourFourTwo).

But if there’s one moment of this unadulterated cluster of cinematic gibberish that’s surprisingly close to the mark, it’s the bit where proper goalie Kevin O’Callaghan volunteers to get his arm snapped just so “Hatch” (Stallone) can get released from solitary confinement in time.

Why so? Shocking news this week filters through to the FourFourTwo news desk that 92 current and former South Korean soccer players have been indicted by their government for dodging military service by intentionally dislocating their shoulders.

Just as O’Callaghan allowed Michael Caine to rupture his limb to further the war effort, the crackers Koreans busted up their own bodies by “swinging their arms while holding heavy weights” and “having fellow players jump on their shoulders”.

The reason for such extreme methods? South Korean men must spend up to 24 months in the military as part of mandatory service in their 670,000-strong armed forces.

Not only can this have the unfortunate side-effect of getting you shot – South Korea is still officially at war with its northern neighbours, and while it’s all quiet at the moment, you never know with this Axis of Evil mob – but the duty can also hamper the careers of athletes.

Now the men, including 15 professional K-League players, face community service, and possibly even jail.

They deserve our sympathy.

After all, Bryan Robson once told FourFourTwo that a dislocated shoulder is “the most pain I’ve ever tolerated. With a shoulder injury you just can’t get rid of the pain, especially if the physio can’t get it back into place. It really, really hurts.”

Bear in mind that Robson was a man who used to shatter his fibia on a weekly basis and pop out his eyeballs just to amuse children – “I’ve broken legs, but they just go numb”, he scoffs – and we reckon the Korean government should ease up.

If these lads were willing to undergo a pain so extreme that it brought tears to the eyes of Robbo, just because they wanted to play football, not soldiers, we think they should let them. Someone get a copy of Sly’s greatest celluloid moment on DVD to Seoul, sharpish…