The title-wrapping, Diop cross-dressing Premier Preview
Sunday 09 May 2010 10:00
So it all comes down to this: one weekend of furious interplay to
see who will win between the Scotsman in red seeking a fourth
consecutive reign and the rich poshos in blue hated by everyone who
doesn't support them.
And this is satire, is it?
Comparisons
between the General Election and the Premier League title run-in have
been rife – and rough – over the past month but it really is
comparable. The only difference is that in the election, nobody really
won. To Inside Track's knowledge, that's not a possibility in the Prem.
Anyway,
we've all heard enough and will be hearing plenty more about the
election to avoid more talk about it now. Besides, this is much more
important, and won't keep us on the beer and ProPlus until 7 in the
morning (unless, of course, there's a hell of a lot of injury time at
Old Trafford).
So for the last time, let's take a look at the
weekend's Premier League fixtures and see if we can get a couple of
predictions right for a change.
Sunday
Arsenal vs Fulham
Ahead
of the Europa League final on Wednesday and after having an appeal to
play 24 hours earlier turned down (good), the Cottagers are likely to
field a weakened team yet again.
However, they'll probably escape
the wrath of the Premier League due to being, well, Fulham and on the
brink of a major European trophy. Besides, it's Roy Hodgson. You can't
be mean to Roy Hodgson.
After all, it's not like chief whiner Wenger is going to complain, is it?
What won't happen:
Amazingly, Arsenal could slip to fourth and Spurs steal third with the
right results today. Unfortunately for 'Arry's men, that would involve
the Gunners losing at home to Fulham for the first time in their history
What will happen: The Cottagers' confidence is dampened by a good old-fashioned thrashing
Aston Villa vs Blackburn
Somehow,
the title race is the only one of three major Premier League battles to
be decided on the final day. That's certainly not what this blog
predicted.
Yet Hull, Burnley and Pompey have been relegated and
Spurs have taken the fourth Champions League spot with time to spare,
meaning this potential final charge for Villa is now more like a jog
around the block in preparation for next season.
Villa could still finish fifth ahead of Manchester City and it doesn't take Willy Wonka to know that would taste sweet.
James
Milner celebrates his 200th league start – in his career, not this
season – and Ashley Young marks his 150th game for Villa, which isn't
quite the same milestone, but still, clap clap.
What won't happen: No
goals from Steven Nzonzi or El-Hadji Diouf today, as they're absent
with wisdom teeth pain and tonsillitis respectively. Rock 'n' roll
What will happen: Big Sam operates on the pair himself but Villa ignore the screams of agony to win comfortably
Bolton vs Birmingham
Even
though the final relegation places have been settled, such is the
closeness of the teams who have survived that Bolton could finish
anywhere from 14th to 17th after this game.
It sounds a bit pointless but the money involved can be so different, and sadly that's what it comes down to these days.
Good
news for Birmingham, then, because a top-half finish is all but
guaranteed. That's presuming that they don't lose, Stoke don't win and
Blackburn don't win 7-0. Again: guaranteed.
What won't happen: It won't be a thriller...
What will happen: ...but it will be a score draw
Burnley vs Spurs
Wow. WOW. Spurs have finished fourth. Actually finished fourth. Even Cap'n Mad wouldn't have bet on that.
Cue some crazy scenes from The Elbow Room in Tottenham, in which Sky Sports chose to film their reaction shots.
Fortunately,
your correspondent was definitely sensible enough to stay at home, get
an early night and not be filmed giving everyone around him a hug and
breathlessly ranting into a microphone that Arsenal are watching their
backs.
What won't happen: Unlike their relegation buddies,
Burnley won't crash and burn financially and freefall into League Two.
They're in a good state and could even be back up in a few years.
Probably not, though.
What will happen: Jermaine Jenas
scores on his return to the starting XI. Eidur Gudjohnsen does not. A
great performance from Burnley earns them a deserved point
Chelsea vs Wigan
It's
a big game for Chelsea and they should rise to the occasion, but it
will be interesting to see how Wigan approach the game. Summarily
dismissed, written off like a clumsy first date with the girl next
door, they have nothing to play for.
But do Martinez's men have the mental strength to spring a surprise? It hasn't looked that way all season, but you never know...
What won't happen: Actually, we do know: Wigan will not be springing any surprises.
What will happen: Chelsea wrap up the title in a big blue jumper on happy home turf
Everton vs Portsmouth
It's
been a season of two halves for both teams: Everton started
disastrously and improved so much they'll finish in eighth, while
Portsmouth's season became steadily worse and now face debts of £135
million.
It's all right, all they need to do is dress Papa Bouba
Diop as a woman, lure Cristiano Ronaldo into a hotel room, film the
results and blackmail him. They'll pick up the first mil in loose
change.
What won't happen: Pompey bounce back into the Prem next season.
What will happen: Home win
Hull vs Liverpool
So
Liverpool's debts are in the stratosphere, Benitez may be on the move
and they're going to finish seventh – good thing Portsmouth didn't
apply in time for a European license or else the Reds wouldn't have
been in Europe at all next year – but there's some good news for fans.
@Lucasleiva21, sadly no longer with us, has won the coveted 'Best Twitterer Pretending To Be A Footballer' award for the season.
It's
a surprise snatch for the not-really-Brazilian ahead of strong
contenders, but his 'updates' from the Liverpool team bus on the epic
trip to Spain created some unforgettable images.
He continued for
a short while into the Gerrard scandal, too, boasting "Got a text from
Stevie! So pleased! I think Im winning him over. He wants the squad to
go out for a drink to help him forget about something."
In second
place: @dimi_berbatov, for portraying the Bulgarian stroller as
"Gentleman first, footballer second." In his busy private life:
"Tonight I put on ballroom class for some of the lads, I take out
insurance for hargreaves" and "hopefully draw bordeaux in the champions
league, cellar needs to be replenished."
Third but still
brilliant: @TheBig_Sam. "Get in – my vintage WWF Legion of Doom spiky
shoulderpads have arrived from the internet. Lets see that **** in
Homebase throw me now."
What won't happen: Can't see him
getting any worse either. Wonderful account of Big Sam on Meow Meow,
involving dressing like Colonel Gaddafi, ripping off the Sky dish and
trying to leap into heaven before shaving off some intimate hairs,
gluing them to his upper lip and chanting "To me, to you."
What will happen: Liverpool win.
Manchester United vs Stoke
It's
out of their hands now: there's nothing Manchester United can do except
beat Stoke and hope. They'll miss the injured Antonio Valencia, but
Owen Hargreaves might get a longer run-out than the utterly pointless
30 seconds against Sunderland, in which he just about had time to watch
the ball fly over his head.
Stoke recovered from some unfortunate
leaks – get your mind out of the gutter – to beat Fulham away, so
hopefully for them that punch-up should be in the past. For our
collective sanity, that's probably for the best.
What won't happen: Sir Alex to retire, EVER
What will happen: Home win
West Ham vs Manchester City
Scott
Parker has his own little family of stalkers at Upton Park: after David
Gold confessed he'd sell anyone apart from the Parkster, Gianfranco
Zola has now backed Parker for the World Cup, not at all overstating
his worth. Take that as sarcasm if you want – it's up to you.
Manchester
City...well. Would they have done better if Mark Hughes hadn't been
booted out? Would they have done better if Roberto Mancini wore a
different scarf? It's a question of ifs and buts, and sadly for their
investors that's not good enough. And after they spent all that money,
too.
It's a crying shame, it really is.
What won't happen: Mancini won't be sacked until at least six months' time. Maybe four. Three if they have a bad pre-season.
What will happen: Away win
Wolves vs Sunderland
"Take
a look at me now," Mick McCarthy could but probably won't sing as his
former club Sunderland pop down to Molineux for the day.
The
Black Cats were twice relegated under the Irishman, but he's shown he
can keep a weak side alive in the Premier League with the mighty
Wolves, who have a shot at finishing 14th if they win here.
Of
course, the other way of looking at it is that they've scored the least
goals at home of any club this season (11), but let's not dwell on the
negatives, shall we?
With that in mind, then, let's focus on how
Sunderland have scored their highest total of points in the top flight
since 2001 and not on how they've recorded only two away wins in 18
attempts.
What won't happen: Lee Cattermole won't feature
due to a dislocated shoulder. Man up, Cattermole! It's your shoulder,
not your feet. It's not like you need your shoulder to play football,
is it?
What will happen: Home win helps McCarthy's men to finish on a high.
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About Huw Davies
After being told by Alan Hansen in a dream to give up playing football on account of being rubbish, Huw focused on writing about the sometimes beautiful game instead. He is fiercely Welsh and a Spurs supporter, but concentrates most of his energy on internally debating whether he hates Alex Ferguson or Arsene Wenger more. Huw is not related to fellow
FourFourTwo writer Gregg Davies, nor the marginally better footballer Simon Davies. He can, however be relied upon to regale anyone who will listen, and anyone who won't, about a goal he scored in 2004, which becomes more impressive every time (picked it up on the halfway line, took it past three players, chipped the 'keeper....)
Oh, and he reads Batman comics (hence the shirt).