The history-changing, Lescott-terrorising, comedy-airkicking Premier Preview
Friday 01 April 2011 13:54
It’s the time when the season’s pattern becomes clearly defined:
when the champions look to surge into an unsurpassable lead, and when
teams likely to go down slip away from the pack.
So you’d think, anyway. But regarding the latter, especially, it may be a
little longer before the relegation battle is settled: there’s one
point and three goals separating six teams either side of the big bold
line marked RELEGATION ZONE.
That said, Wigan look incredibly vulnerable with that whopping -22 goal
difference and are bottom despite a win last week, while in Kevin Doyle
Wolves have just lost their best player to injury for the rest of the
season.
Keep up the fight, guys! Please, for the love of this blog’s readership, keep up the fight!
SATURDAY
West Ham v Manchester United (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5 Live Radio)
No real surprise to see this game on the telly, as it gives Sky to show
more footage of Alex Ferguson sitting in the stands communicating to
Mike Phelan through the world’s oldest telephone.
He’s lucky the phone can only call one person; otherwise, he’d had to manually dial the number.
Manchester United are missing a few famous faces, but West Ham look
positively full-strength – Jack Collinson and Junior Stanislas are the
only potential first-teamers likely to miss out.
What won’t happen: A draw – interestingly (to some of us), none of the last 14 meetings between these sides has been tied
What will happen: Sod’s Law would say a draw, but the brain says Manchester United.
Birmingham v Bolton (3pm)
Panic hasn’t set in yet for the League Cup winners: sure, Birmingham are
second from bottom, but if they win their game in hand they’re up to
13th.
Bolton beat Brum in the FA Cup in both clubs’ just three weeks back, but
since then the superb Stuart Holden has been shot in both kneecaps by a
cackling, pistol-wielding Jonny Evans.
What won’t happen: The Blues to go down – the hunch remains...
What will happen: Like a couple who thought they had time for a quickie
before the dinner party guests arrived, the hosts shock the visitors
Everton v Aston Villa (3pm)
An interesting 3pm kick-off, this. Not only does it showcase the
relative demise of two teams used to battling for Europe (Everton are
nine points from a Europa League spot; Villa, 16), but it could show the
very real demise of Gerard Houllier.
The Frenchman has made precious few friends during his short time in the
Midlands, rotating the squad and honourably promoting youth but at the
expense of squad harmony and results.
“There’s no revolt here,” claim Houllier’s players, avoiding eye contact
and hiding pistols behind their backs. But the manager’s days may well
be numbered – that number presumably being somewhere between two and
however many days are left until the end of the season…
What won’t happen: Villa - currently in 14th - to find themselves bottom
after the weekend’s results, although it could technically happen
What will happen: Home win, despite Everton facing a full-strength Villa
without themselves being able to call on the injured Saha, Rodwell,
Coleman and Arteta
Newcastle v Wolves (3pm)
It isn’t overstating matters in purely football terms to call Kevin Doyle’s season-curtailing injury a disaster for Wolves.
The Irishman single-handedly carries the attack, be it by scoring goals
or holding up the ball to bring others into play. They’ll miss him more
than any other player, even England international Matt Jarvis’ - bet his
mum will like seeing it written down like that.
Newcastle are likely to be without Spanish-speaking wide-boys Jose
Enrique and Jonas Gutierrez, while Cheik ‘It Out’ Tiote is suspended.
What won’t happen: Neither manager to adopt an overly self-satisfied expression at some point during the game.
What will happen: Battling draw for the visitors; frustrating draw for the Toon
Stoke v Chelsea (3pm)
Chelsea are back in form again, winning four of their last five league
games and with only Fernando Torres to be concerned about.
Still, when you have David Luiz acting as a playmaker in central
defence, it’s not really a worry. In fact, it might be worth putting
Torres in the back four. He might pop up for a corner and score a header
or something.
The misfiring Spaniard will feel confident of a goal in the Potteries,
though: Stoke have lost every one of their last seven matches to
Chelsea, scoring just twice in the process. Second thoughts, maybe Nando
should go in goal…
What won’t happen: Fernando Torres to don some gloves (and possibly a
little helmet) and plonk himself between the sticks. Sadly.
What will happen: The Blues’ resurgence continues
West Brom v Liverpool (3pm, Absolute Radio)
Here’s one for you, as Roy Hodgson takes on the team who seem to be
doing awfully well without him: if it wasn’t for David Bentley, Woy
would never have been Liverpool boss.
Had the plastic-haired midfielder not missed his penalty in the 2009
League Cup final - Spurs could have sealed victory at Wembley and with
it a European berth at the expense of Fulham, thusly preventing the Cottagers
from having a crack at last season’s Europa League and stopping Woy’s
weputation wocketing enough for him to get the Anfield gig in the process.
Meanwhile, so pre-occupied with their Europa League campaign, Spurs
would have failed to qualify for this season’s Champions League - meaning Gareth Bale would never have been born!.
Don’t believe us? Go back in time to February 2009, taking with you a
picture of Spurs’ enjoying their Champions League exploits. Teach
past-Bentley how to take a proper chuffing penalty and then watch the
Spurs players in the picture slowly disappear (a la that bit in Back to
the Future) as history is changed.
Or don’t. It’s up to you, really.
What won’t happen: A similar theory regarding Wilson Palacios and the assassination of JFK.
What will happen: Woy’s wevenge! Well, a draw, anyway
Wigan v Spurs (3pm)
Oh, more Spurs. It’s hard to know what to expect from this one. Wigan
have beaten Spurs twice in the last four meetings, with the other two
games resulting in hidings rather than tidings – 3-0 and that frankly
absurd 9-1.
What won’t happen: As catastrophic a defensive disaster as everyone,
Redknapp included, is predicting for Spurs: the centre-backs will still
be the mostly reliable Dawson and Bassong, with Corluka available as
back-up
What will happen: Bale is rested, meaning he’ll face Real Madrid having
played just 90 minutes in three months – but Spurs grab three points at
the DW
Arsenal v Blackburn (5.30pm, ESPN & ESPN HD, TalkSPORT Radio)
The only Premier League manager under more pressure than Gerard
Houllier, it seems, is Steve Kean. No wins since January means
Blackburn’s owners - Venky’s Lancastrian Fried Chicken - are most likely
getting rather impatient.
Arsenal have Van Persie, Fabregas, Walcott and Song fit, too, plus –
snigger – Lehmann if they want him. The German made a nightmarish return
to reserve action earlier this week, in which he conceded twice,
managed a comedy airkick and generally charged around like a loon - it’s
only a matter of time before he takes Almunia’s place in the first
team.
What won’t happen: Lehmann to ever do anything near as brilliantly mental as everybody is expecting.
What will happen: Comfortable home win for Arsenal
SUNDAY
Fulham v Blackpool (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)
Fulham are the form team here, having not lost a home game in the league since New Year’s Day.
Expect to see a home side focusing on a tight defence and an away team throwing piss to the wind in an attempt to win 5-3.
What won’t happen: Blackpool to win 5-3
What will happen: Fulham quietly do the job, edging ever-nearer to safety
Manchester City v Sunderland (4pm, Sky Sports 1, HD1 & Sky 3D, 5 Live Radio)
Yup, it’s the weekly ‘Match Man City Will Almost Certainly Win 1-0 But
Let’s Put It On The Bloody Telly Even Though There Is Nothing Really At
Stake’ Sunday afternoon kick-off.
Add to this Sunderland’s poor form and you have absolutely no reason to
televise this inevitable scandal against entertainment, especially in 3D
– unless it’s to see Joleon Lescott shudder every time Asamoah Gyan is
on the ball.
What won’t happen: 3D and HD to benefit Steve Bruce as much as it will Roberto Mancini
What will happen: 1-0. Or maybe Citeh feel like going crazy, in which case – 2-0
or
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About Huw Davies
After being told by Alan Hansen in a dream to give up playing football on account of being rubbish, Huw focused on writing about the sometimes beautiful game instead. He is fiercely Welsh and a Spurs supporter, but concentrates most of his energy on internally debating whether he hates Alex Ferguson or Arsene Wenger more. Huw is not related to fellow
FourFourTwo writer Gregg Davies, nor the marginally better footballer Simon Davies. He can, however be relied upon to regale anyone who will listen, and anyone who won't, about a goal he scored in 2004, which becomes more impressive every time (picked it up on the halfway line, took it past three players, chipped the 'keeper....)
Oh, and he reads Batman comics (hence the shirt).