FourFourTwo's Inside Track : Arsenal

Heroes & Villains: Calamity, consistency, Campbell and Carroll

James Maw — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 12:45:00 GMT

The (elongated) EPL weekend's goodies and baddies, evaluated by James Maw

RESULTS Sat 11 Dec Aston Villa 2-1 West Bromwich Albion, Everton 0-0 Wigan Athletic, Fulham 0-0 Sunderland, Stoke City 0-1 Blackpool, West Ham United 1-3 Manchester City, Newcastle United 3-1 Liverpool Sun 12 Dec Bolton Wanderers 2-1 Blackburn Rovers, Wolverhampton Wanderers 1-0 Birmingham City, Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Chelsea Mon 13 Dec Manchester United 1-0 Arsenal

HEROES

Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic
With Wayne Rooney yet to start firing and Dimitar Berbatov running hot and cold like your bathroom tap when the boiler is knackered (mental note: ring landlord about broken boiler), it’s all the more important that Manchester United’s daring defensive duo a) actually manage to string a few games together without losing body parts, and b) recapture the old magic of 2006-2009 and make United’s backline largely impenetrable.

Fortunately for Sir Alex Ferguson & Co. that's slowly and surely what has happened, with the pair both starting all of United’s last 10 Premier League matches, during which time the Red Devils have conceded eight goals – comparing favourably to the nine in seven conceded before their reunion at Stoke just under two months ago.

In this period the Old Trafford side have gone from ‘crisis club’ to league leaders by two clear points with a game in hand – although that rise has coincided with Chelsea’s own calamitous spell.

On Monday evening, Ferdinand and Vidic kept the intricate attacking force of Arsenal at arms' length for the majority of the match, once again reaffirming the notion that they are the Premier League’s best defensive pairing. Consistency is now the key, and the next test is perhaps the biggest of all at Stamford Bridge; another solid performance could see United take a massive step towards the title before Santa has even popped down the chimney.

Joey Barton
Maturity and cool-headedness. Not characteristics one would traditionally associate with Joey Barton, but those were the attributes the Newcastle midfielder generally displayed during a match in which it would have been easy for he and his team-mates to shirk their responsibilities and hide behind ‘the occasion’.

Barton capped a superb performance by reacting quickest to Andy Carroll’s ball into the penalty area, maintaining his composure and firing past Pepe Reina to put Newcastle back in front as the game approached its climax.

The only black mark came when he appeared to make an unsavoury gesture towards Fernando Torres, although that was in the face of quite severe provocation from the Spaniard and Lucas Leiva, who for some reason appeared hell-bent on blaming Barton for David N’Gog being elbowed by his own teammate…

Yaya Toure
It’s important to highlight the brilliance of Manchester City’s performance at Upton Park, which was to some extent overshadowed by the petulance of Mario Balotelli and the apparent discontent of Carlos Tevez, and Toure the younger was head and shoulders above everybody else on the park – and was also Man of the Match (just a little height joke for you there – Happy Christmas).

Toure set City on their way to a fifth away win of the league campaign with a perfectly struck shot from the edge of the penalty area, having been teed up by David Silva. He also forced the second goal, barging his way through the West Ham box from a tight angle and blasting the ball into the net via the back of poor old Robert Green’s head.

But the goals were only the start of his input. There was also a lot of what we had been expecting from him when he arrived from Barcelona in the summer – strong, athletic, simple and direct midfield play, while some of his team-mates appear to be more interested in having public tantrums, Toure is a key cog in a steadily improving City machine. And with the Ivorian able to find the net with such new-found ease, do Manchester City even need Carlos Tevez? Yes. Yes, they do.

Didier Drogba
Sure, he may have missed a penalty and sure, he may have handled before the goal he actually did score, but there can be no doubting that the introduction of Didier Drogba at the interval of Chelsea’s derby clash at Tottenham was the game-changing moment. The Ivorian looked some way towards being back to his best, imposing himself of Tottenham’s defenders and regularly dropping deep to get his hands dirty in the midfield melee, albeit to mixed success.

The aforementioned rejuvenation of Manchester United’s first-choice central defenders will require Drogba to up his recovery another notch next Sunday if the champions are to gain a vital win.

Marc Albrighton
A member of the Twitterati on Saturday night questioned whether the Aston Villa youngster was already the best crosser in the Premier League. At first this may seem a bit spurious, but on current form, it’s actually hard to argue there are too many, if any, players in the Sky-league getting quality deliveries into the box from wide areas on as consistent a basis.

The winger was at it again on Saturday, whipping a dangerous cross into the West Brom area that was knocked in at the back post by Stewart Downing after a near-post flick from Ashley Young. It’s hard to imagine he won’t be involved in Fabio Capello’s next England squad for the friendly against Denmark in February, fitness permitting.

DJ Campbell
Campbell’s goal sealed an amazing fourth away win in 10 road-trips for Blackpool – encouragingly for the Tangerines, five teams who avoided the drop last season won away on fewer occasions.

Also, a word for what is rapidly becoming one of the most divine minimalist-moustaches in world football. Proof, if it were needed, that size doesn’t count for everything.

VILLAINS

Arsenal
As has quite often proven to be the case over the course of this season, the label ‘villains’ is a trifle harsh here, but there were certainly very few ‘heroes’ on display in the Gunners’ side at Old Trafford last night, bar perhaps ‘rookie stopper’ Wojciech Szczesny.

On a night when Arsene Wenger’s side were supposed to prove their worth in the title race, the North Londoners failed to ever really impose themselves on the match, failing to create clear cut chances and often struggling to even retain possession – two criticisms that haven’t often been aimed at the Emirates Stadium side this season.

Heurelho Gomes
It’s not often you’ll see a goalkeeper who has saved a penalty to help win his team a point against the champions among our ‘baddies', but there is probably no player in the Premier League quite as adept at flip-flopping between heroism and villainy as Tottenham’s Brazilian shot-sometimes-stopper.

Speaking after a match in which he failed to deal with a shot hit straight at him, albeit it very powerfully, and conceded an injury-time penalty, the former PSV keeper proclaimed that Spurs conceded too many goals to keep up with the likes of Chelsea and Manchester United, which is sort of like Ronald McDonald complaining that kids these days are too fat.

Mario Balotelli
His childish, foot-stomping reaction to not getting his way with either referee or manager may have been slightly overplayed by some sections of the media, but still doesn’t do much to quell suggestions the Italian is a bit of an enfant terrible.

Lucas Leiva
Over the past three years, mocking Lucas has been as fashionable as zoot suits were whenever zoot suits were fashionable. However, the upturn in his performance levels over the past 12 months has been markedly steep – which really served to highlight the inadequacy of his performance at St James’ Park.

On a night when tensions were high and feathers rufflable, Liverpool’s defensive midfielder failed to get into the faces of his opponents, bar the one occasion when he really shouldn’t have.

With David N’Gog caught by team-mate Sotirios Kyrgiakos and, unbeknownst to Barton, left bleeding on the floor, play continued until Lucas saw fit to front up to the ever-popular Barton, presumably assuming the former Man City man must’ve done something wrong "because he always does" – but not this time.

Fortunately (for everybody bar Liverpool), Lucas reverted to type in backing off and backing off again as Andy Carroll shaped up to stroke home Newcastle’s third from 25 yards. Not the best day’s work, all things told...

Ryan Nelson
When you’re getting tied in knots in the penalty area by the generally rather agricultural Fabrice Muamba, you know you’ve got problems...

Heroes & Villains: Forrin rascals, rubble and the rustle of paper

James Maw — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 12:36:00 GMT

The weekend's goodies and baddies, as assessed by James Maw

RESULTS Sat 4 Dec Arsenal 2-1 Fulham, Birmingham City 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur, Blackburn Rovers 3-0 Wolverhampton Wanderers, Chelsea 1-1 Everton, Manchester City 1-0 Bolton Wanderers, Wigan Athletic 2-2 Stoke City, Blackpool P-P Manchester United Sun 5 Dec West Bromwich Albion 3-1 Newcastle United, Sunderland 1-0 West Ham United

HEROES

Samir Nasri
“Arsenal are a one-man team," they said. “They can’t do anything without Fabregas,” they said. Piffle, bunkum and claptrap. If this season has proven anything about Arsenal – besides the obvious that they need to improve at the back and between the sticks – it's that in Samir Nasri, they have a creative spark more than capable of filling the void left by their Spanish captain. Having inspired the Gunners to an impressive 4-2 win at Aston Villa last weekend, Nasri was again the difference as Arsene Wenger's side scrapped to a narrow win over Fulham.

While the more eagle-eyed football aficionados among you may have noticed that Aston Villa and Fulham aren't quite among Europe’s elite, these are the kind of matches in which the Gunners have dropped points in recent seasons, and indeed months. The mental boost this result will give Arsenal after their recent traumas, particularly against Tottenham, will be emphasised by it sending them top of the Premier League.

Nasri opened the scoring against the Cottagers with a delightful double feint, leaving Brede Hangeland and then Aaron Hughes on their backsides and enabling the 23-year-old to blast past Mark Schwarzer.

And if the Frenchman’s first was a flash of brilliance, his second was an explosion of magnificence – assuming you agree the latter sounds more impressive… Nasri glided onto the end of a Robin van Persie pass, before dancing his way through three Fulham defenders like a very handsome young man in a bar packed with ugly, ugly women before making up for his own heavy touch – improvising by pirouetting and clipping the ball in from a tight angle.

DRAW SPECIALIST Nasri's goal and more weekend action

Leighton Baines
After a superb performance at Stamford Bridge on Saturday, Baines was described by David Moyes as the second-best English left-back. That seems like damning him with faint praise. On his day, Baines is one of the best attacking full-backs in the Premier League – and while he’s a level of consistency and a fair few notches of defensive know-how away from Ashley Cole, he certainly has the talent to be involved with the national team on a more regular basis – homesickness notwithstanding.

The highlight of his weekend performance was a dazzling run down the left which ended in a superb hanging cross deep into the Chelsea box for Tim Cahill, the Australian nodding back across goal to tee up Jermaine Beckford for a simple header past Petr Cech.

Jermaine Beckford
A simple header though it may have been, it was still there to be missed – which is something Beckford has done quite a lot of in recent weeks. But this is the Heroes section, and the former Leeds hit-man should be praised for his persistence: despite being largely profligate in-front of goal he has continually put himself in goalscoring positions when players of a weaker mentality may well have hidden.

See, it’s not as funny when we try and be sincere, is it?

  Lee Cattermole 
Keeping in the super-jolly festive spirit of praising those we’ve previously mocked relentlessly with little regard for their feelings, a moment please for Sunderland’s Lee Cattermole. The Teesside tyke was back to his vigorous best, dominating the midfield and largely keeping in-form media darling Scott Parker at bay.

Yes, it was 'only' against a woeful West Ham, and yes, he still managed to get himself booked as early as the seventh minute, but his assertive and disciplined display reminded us why the fiery midfielder was bought and sold for almost £10 million before his 22nd birthday.

Paul Robinson
Blackburn’s 3-0 scoreline against Wolves on Saturday may at first glance appear massively comfortable, but that was largely down to Robinson once again being at his best to keep Wolves from the door (wahey!).

Unsurprisingly, this latest in a string of good performances (Old Trafford last weekend aside…) saw pundits clambering over one other to be the first clever dick to announce Robinson should return to the international fold if that ‘orrible forrin rascal Fabio Capello knows what’s good for him, completely oblivious to the fact he was probably playing equally as well for large swathes of last season when nobody gave two tooty hoots.

VILLAINS

Phil Neville
While the purpose of this blog is as much to pick holes as to praise, it would be unfair to lament a player for merely under-hitting a pass back to his goalkeeper with an opposition forward lurking in the vast patch of grass between. After all, every day’s a school day and players can only really learn from making mist… hang on *rustling of paper* It was 33-year-old Phil Neville? Phil Neville who has played over 400 Premier League matches, has won six titles, three FA Cups, one European Cup, and has 59 England caps?

Well, stuff him then – he should know better. Villain. VILLAAAAAAAAIN!  

Avram Grant
Far be it from us to suggest the West Ham manager should be fearing a phone call from "upstairs", but with his side once again lacking any kind of attacking impetus or spirit in a generally feeble, if narrow, defeat at Sunderland, perhaps he should start looking over his shoulder (So his phone's behind him, then? – Ed).

The Hammers may have ‘saved their season’ (sic) with a win over Wigan last Saturday, and followed it with an impressive League Cup win of Manchester United in midweek, but they quickly reverted to type at the Stadium of Light.

It’s easy to motivate your team for a cup quarter-final against Manchester United; the trick is to get your side hungry enough to battle for points in these kind of away games – and West Ham had nowhere near enough battle on Sunday.

If Grant’s managerial masterplan at Portsmouth last season is anything to go by, we can expect the Irons to further ease off the gas in the league over the next six or seven weeks, with the League Cup semi-finals in January taking priority over actually staying in the ruddy top flight.

And then there’s Carlton Cole...

So yeah, happy Christmas, Hammers fans.

Wigan’s defensive wall 
What’s the point in setting up a wall to defend a free-kick if they’re going to dissipate the second the ball is kicked, crumbling like FIFA’s credibility as the ball deflects off the rubble, past the wrong-footed goalkeeper and into the net?

The ‘rubble’ in this instance was French midfielder Mohamed Diamé, who ended up as the man on the end of a three-man Latics wall after two Stoke players, not unreasonably, shifted from their position just to his left to allow the ball to pass. Diamé criminally turned his back and the ball nicked off his ankle before finding the net.

Hendry Thomas
 Regular readers of Heroes and Villains will know we like nothing more than kicking a sitter-missing man when he’s down, head-in-hands, being shouted at by his teammates. Step forward Wigan’s Hendry Thomas, who, despite having a name like a 19th-century President of the United States, lacked the authority to find the net from four yards with the goalkeeper all but stranded at the near post.

Alan Hutton
Tottenham’s Alan Hutton shares very little in common with the great Zinedine Zidane. Sure, they both went bald at a ludicrously young age and have both enjoyed some spectacular nights out in Glasgow – albeit probably of a differing nature, but that’s about it.

Or at least it was until the ‘competitive’ Scottish full-back unleashed a truly Zidanesque head-butt on Birmingham’s David Murphy as the clock ticked down on Saturday’s draw at St Andrews. It would seem fairly certain that the former Rangers man will face sanctions from upon high, and with Vedran Corluka waiting in the wings, it’s by no means certain he’ll waltz back into the side following any potential suspension. Well done you, Alan.

Sol Campbell
We don't generally agree with irksome self-centered man-child Robbie Savage, but it’s probably safe to say that Sol Campbell has probably had 499 better Premier League appearances than Sunday’s 3-1 defeat at West Brom, which brought up his top-flight half-grand. The Newcastle defender was utterly obliterated by Peter Odemwingie as Toon slumped to their fifth straight winless match.

Frankly, Campbell looked League One level at best, and while that’s a marked improvement on his ‘form’ during his brief stint at Notts County, it probably won’t be enough for Chris Hughton. The big centre-back has been written off before and bounced back – but he looked so spectacularly out of sorts this time round that it's even harder to see him recovering.

More Premier review: The Draw Specialist

Heroes & Villains: Henchmen, stamps and Danny Dyer

James Maw — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 15:37:00 GMT

After a record-breakingly goaltastic Premier League weekend, James Maw sorts the wheat from the chuff...

RESULTS Sat 27 Nov Aston Villa 2-4 Arsenal, Bolton Wanderers 2-2 Blackpool, Everton 1-4 West Bromwich Albion, Fulham 1-1 Birmingham City, Manchester United 7-1 Blackburn Rovers, Stoke City 1-1 Manchester City, West Ham United 3-1 Wigan Athletic, Wolverhampton Wanderers 3-2 Sunderland Sun 28 Nov Newcastle United 1-1 Chelsea, Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 Liverpool

HEROES

Dimitar Berbatov
Nothing sums up Dimitar Berbatov’s Manchester United career better than the last few weeks. During barren run of 10 goalless matches, very little came off bar a few flicks and flashes which ultimately led to nothing; then, just as his detractors were starting to write him off, an utterly scintillating performance where everything seemed to click.

While it’s fair to say Berbatov’s partnership with Wayne Rooney has yet to develop in the way many had envisaged when the Bulgarian arrived at Old Trafford just over two years ago, it's surely telling that his reappearance on the scoresheet coincided with Rooney’s return to regular action: the last time Rooney started two successive games Berbatov scored a hat-trick against Liverpool.

Marouane Chamakh
He may have frustrated the Gunners faithful with his ponderous play in the final third against Spurs last weekend, but the Moroccan’s performance as Arsenal returned to winning ways at Aston Villa was far more efficient and ultimately decisive.

After neatly prodding home Arsenal’s third just as the visitors were starting to look nervous about protecting their lead, Chamakh had the presence of mind to dink a square pass to the unmarked Jack Wilshere to nod home Arsenal’s fourth, when many strikers would have gone for goal themselves.

Scott Parker
Where would West Ham be without their captain marvel? Well, literally and figuratively speaking they’d be in the same place – East London and bottom of the Premier League – but without him they’d be further adrift. From the rest of the Premier League, not London.

The former Chelsea and Newcastle midfielder lead by example once again as Avram Grant’s side beat fellow strugglers Wigan in a match the club's marketing department named ‘Save Our Season’.

The 30-year-old scored his fifth goal of the season and ran the midfield as the East Londoners clinched only their second league win of the season. But with Harry Redknapp’s tracksuited henchman Joe Jordan watching from the stands, perhaps the Hammers will have to fend off their neighbours once again in January.

Mick McCarthy
Can a manager have a more satisfying experience than seeing one of his substitutes pop up and score a crucial goal? Perhaps seeing two of your substitutes pop up and score crucial goals – and then winning.

Credit to Mick McCarthy, then, for throwing Stephen Hunt and Sylvain Ebanks-Blake into the fray at the right time against Sunderland on Saturday – albeit that Hunt actually entered the game with Wolves winning, only for the Molineuxistas to fall behind before benefited from the tracksuit-shedding duo’s divine intervention. With matches against Birmingham, Blackburn and Wigan all on the horizon, now would certainly be a good time to put a little run together.

Chris Brunt
Two words: postage stamp. That is, of course, the cliche used to describe a shot that travels perfectly into the top corner - exactly where the goalkeeper can’t get it. This is exactly where West Brom wide-man Chris Brunt bent his 30-yard free-kick past a helpless Tim Howard. First class (no signature required).

VILLAINS

Paul Konchesky
The left-back’s contribution to one of Liverpool’s better away performances this season won’t be remembered favourably. Aaron Lennon may be quick, but that’s really no excuse for letting the Spurs winger sail past him with such ease in the dying seconds of the game. If nothing else he could have just hauled down the nippy Yorkshire whippet in the box, safe in the knowledge Spurs would’ve missed the resulting spot-kick.

You have to wonder exactly how much worse things would have been for Konchesky had Lennon seen more of the ball throughout Sunday’s match at White Hart Lane – particularly with the former Fulham full-back booked in the first half hour of the game and Lennon being exactly the kind of player you don’t want to be facing for an hour under a yellow card.

With everybody fit, Liverpool really aren’t too far off the quality of the top five – but Konchesky is one player that will certainly need to be replaced if the Reds are to compete with the Premier League’s best.

Alex & Petr Cech
If there’s any justice in this cruel, cruel world of ours, there’ll still be time to re-edit Danny Dyer’s Pwoppa Nawty Football Banta – the DVD on the lists of every WKD-supping, Tim Lovejoy-worshipping ‘Jack the lad’ this Christmas – and include "these two maaaaaaags makin a wite pwoppa dog’s dinner of it".

‘It’ being another avoidable goal, the Brazilian overhitting his back-pass to his keeper, Cech failing to read the pass and stumbling as it rolled heavily past him, giving Andy Carroll the chance to pounce and put Newcastle ahead.

Mauro Boselli
A vital relegation clash is no time for a record signing to produce a pathetic penalty. The Wigan striker's spot-kick was saved by Robert Green, although Robson Green could have got to it (Jerome Wotsit would probably have gone the wrong way, the clot). Things didn’t really improve from that point for the Argentinian; he even caused a second Wigan goal to be disallowed by loitering in an offside position as Steve Gohouri prodded home. Linesman Martin Yarby flagged despite Boselli not being active. Not strictly his fault, but it summed up his day nonetheless.

Pascal Chimbonda
Blackburn's trip to Manchester United represented a bit of a Spurs old boys' get-together, with Dimitar Berbatov, Pascal Chimbonda and Paul Robinson doubtless sharing a pre-game laugh about the days the former would score a hatful while the latter pair would haplessly watch goal after goal sail past at the other end. The longjohn-wearing Guadeloupite got so much into the spirit of the occasion, he even played a crisp, pin-point 20-yard through-ball to Berbatov, which the Bulgarian promptly blasted past the increasingly concerned-looking Robinson.

Gonzalo Jara, Mikel Arteta, Steven Pienaar, Lee Mason, David Moyes and Tim Cahill
They say two wrongs don’t make a right, and Everton have learned the hard way that five wrongs don’t have a positive effect either.

A cavalcade of concerning conduct and crunching challenges began when West Brom’s Gonzalo Jara appeared to enter into an 'aerial duel' with Toffees left-back Leighton Baines leading with an errant elbow; referee Lee Mason merrily waved play on. Steven Pienaar then attempted to barge the Chilean over; referee Lee Mason merrily waved play on. As the ball ran loose, Mikel Arteta steamed in on innocent bystander Chris Brunt; referee Lee Mason merrily waved play on. Jara then in turn steamed in on Arteta; referee Lee Mason merrily waved play on. The Spaniard retaliated by stamping on the clearly riled Jara; referee Lee Mason merrily waved pla… sorry, force of habit.

It was at this point that Mason finally opted to stop the game, eventually doling out a red card to Arteta and leaving the rest of us perplexed as to why he didn’t stop the whole ugly affair much sooner. But it didn’t stop there. Tim Cahill later raked his boot down the back of Jara’s leg in what looked a premeditated act of vengeance, before David Moyes refused to criticise Arteta’s stamp, ‘reasoning’ that had Jara’s initial challenge on Baines been punished, the whole affair wouldn’t have escalated.

Kevin Davies, Saloman Kalou, Maxi Rodriguez and Jermaine Beckford
These four players, all of which play for clubs who failed to win on Matchday 15, were all guilty of missing utter sitters. Of the quartet, perhaps the most rueful looking was Maxi Rodriguez, who failed to even get a proper shot away having been played in by Fernando Torres against Spurs at White Hart Lane on Sunday. That’s not to say the other three should be completely let off the hook.

Davies dawdled and subsequently failed to hit the target under pressure having got his feet all tangled – not literally, that would be horrible. Kalou opted to shoot with his stronger right foot from a narrow angle when his left foot looked much the better option. Beckford, following his glaring late miss in Monday’s draw at Sunderland, volleyed across goal and well wide when a Premier League striker really should at least test the goalkeeper. Which begs the question: is Beckford a Premier League striker?

The uncharacteristically brief, 17 syllable Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 11:48:00 GMT

Although we always appreciate the multitudes of you who lend us your time to read our ramblings (we say 'lend', you aint getting it back), there have been complaints, mainly from the magical pixies round the back of the website that upload it, that this Premier League preview blog, frankly, goes on a bit.

So for one week only – promise – the previews will be reduced to 17 syllables, in haiku form.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

SATURDAY

Aston Villa v Arsenal (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5 Live Radio)

Tale of two Fabs: Cesc
Hammyknack; Almunia
Not Fabianski?

What won’t happen: A red card: though games involving Arsenal games have produced more reds this season than any other team (eight), Villa spectators haven’t seen one (except on the telly)

What will happen: Fabianski to keep his place in an away win despite return of Collins and Carew for Villa

Bolton v Blackpool (3pm)

Wow – Bolton are good!
But ‘Pool love the North: wins at
Wigan, Toon, Anfield.

What won’t happen: Bolton to let up their amazing run

What will happen: Charlie Adam to score from outside the box: he’s had 26 shots from that distance already. Home win

Everton v West Brom (3pm)

No Baggies win at
Goodison since ‘70s
And Brunt out too. Ouch.

What won’t happen: An exciting high-tempo game between these two out of form teams

What will happen: This haiku thing to get really old really quickly (sorry, but in the words of the sadly departed Magnus Magnusson, we’ve started so we’ll finish). Bore draw

Fulham v Birmingham (3pm)

Few injury woes
For either side, but Fulham
Hardly the form team.

What won’t happen: Lee Bowyer to score again. Ever.

What will happen: Fulham struggle to bounce back from last week’s thrashing but claim an important draw against an improving Birmingham

Manchester United v Blackburn (3pm, 2nd half only on 5 Live Radio, full commentary on 5 Live Sports Extra)

Man United not
On the telly? Surely not.
Who watches Roo now?

What won’t happen: Blackburn, looking so poor until recently, make it four wins from five

What will happen: United do the job with little fuss

Stoke v Manchester City (3pm, Absolute Radio Extra)

What? Man City not
On the telly? Surely not.
Two such graceful teams!

What won’t happen: Stoke’s new proposal to the Premier League to be implemented: just count the second half. They’d be top

What will happen: The grumbling around Mancini to die down a touch after another good away win

West Ham v Wigan (3pm)

Victor Obinna
Shot Count: 47. Goal
Count: big fat zero.

What won’t happen: Golazooooo! This pair have the two lowest shots-to-goals ratio of any team in the league this season. Cows arses need not fear banjo players

What will happen: A painful game but a crucial three points for West Ham

Wolves v Sunderland (3pm)

“Remember us, Mick?
“We Black Cats were crap with you;
“Now we’re good; how’s Wolves?”

What won’t happen: Sunderland’s impressive seventh place to last into the New Year

What will happen: Big Mick to taste relegation yet again? It’s looking increasingly likely, especially after an away win here

SUNDAY

Newcastle v Chelsea (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)

Coloccini banned
And Williamson too, so
First Toon start for Sol?

What won’t happen: Chelsea haven’t lost three league games on the trot since the last millennium. Expect it to stay that way

What will happen: No Essien, Terry and Lampard spells trouble for Chelsea, but they muddle through to a draw

Spurs v Liverpool (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5 Live Radio)

Stoke loss, West Ham win:
Reds veer from crisis to joy
As per. Calm down, dears.

What won’t happen: A calm, reasoned, long-term review of Liverpool’s fortunes from their fans, instead of week-by-week schizophrenia

What will happen: And indeed, as Spurs win it’s back to ‘The biggest disaster in the club’s history’ and calls for Hodgson’s head

Heroes & Villains: Boy-bands, bubble perms and bonkers bookings

James Maw — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 14:04:00 GMT

Naming the goodies and shaming the baddies from the Premier League weekend with James Maw...

RESULTS Sat 20 Nov Arsenal 2-3 Tottenham Hotspur, Birmingham City 1-0 Chelsea, Blackpool 2-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers, Bolton Wanderers 5-1 Newcastle United, Manchester United 2-0 Wigan Athletic, West Bromwich Albion 0-3 Stoke City, Liverpool 3-0 West Ham United Sun 21 Nov Blackburn Rovers 2-0 Aston Villa, Fulham 1-4 Manchester City

HEROES

Younes Kaboul and William Gallas
It says a lot about how rampant Arsenal were in the first half of Saturday's North London derby that Tottenham’s centre-backs were so comfortably the visitors' best performers despite the team being 2-0 down.

Gallas has had a wobbly start at White Hart Lane, but he and the club’s fans will certainly be happy he managed to finally find his feet – against Arsenal, of all teams. The outspoken Frenchman has been uncharacteristically understated since crossing North London, but that didn’t prevent him from being the subjected to a torrent of abuse from the fans of his previous club, although that only seem to act as further incentive. He was in imperious form from the first minute, when he delicately dispossessed mortal enemy Samir Nasri.

However it was Kaboul who struck the decisive blow, flicking Rafael van der Vaart’s inswinging free kick into the bottom corner to cap a successful week in which he also received his first ever call-up into the senior French side. The former Portsmouth man is slowly starting to develop a strong defensive partnership with his compatriot; now all they need to do is start keeping some clean sheets, having not managed one in their last 13 Premier League matches.

Roberto Mancini
Following the anti-climax of the Manc derby and the sheer frustration of the home draw with Birmingham, came a much-needed and highly impressive 4-1 victory away to a Fulham side who had previously only lost once at home all season and had yet to concede more than twice in a match.

Mancini's men were much more attacking at Craven Cottage, and City clearly and emphatically benefited from having extra bodies upfield, even if one of them was Jo: the extra attacking intent allowed David Silva and Carlos Tevez in particular the opportunity to roam the final third looking for pockets of space in which to cause havoc.

It was also a victory for the Italian's policy of playing Yaya Toure at the pinnacle of his midfield, with the Ivorian providing a constant outlet to City players under pressure in possession in their own half, and also scoring a neatly taken and sublimely crafted first goal for the club – at the end of a move encompassing two dozen passes.

Bolton Wanderers
We're getting to the point now where we have to stop referring to teams as having "had a good start" and instead acknowledge that they’re probably roughly where their ability and application merit – and have every chance of staying there if they can maintain somewhere near the same levels over the next six months.

This is true of Bolton. Although you would imagine a prolonged tilt at the top four would most likely prove a step too far, at this stage there looks no significant reason they shouldn't compete with the likes of Liverpool, Everton and Aston Villa for a European spot.

Owen Coyle has proven that it’s possible to get a ‘lesser’ side into the upper reaches of the Premier League table without having to resort to a more primitive form of the game. It might not be too long before Reebok regulars finally move on from the Sam Allardyce era.

Ben Foster
Chelsea may currently be in somewhat of a malaise, but that didn’t stop the champions peppering Foster's goal with 32 shots at St Andrews on Saturday afternoon. No fewer than nine of their efforts drew saves from the England international who, particularly in the first half, showed exactly why he has now risen to second in the pecking order for his country.

With Edwin van der Sar looking increasingly likely to retire at the end of the current season, perhaps in the not too distant future Sir Alex Ferguson will be ruing allowing Foster to leave Old Trafford.

Paul Robinson
Foster wasn’t the only English keeper to frustrate his opposition and help his side pick up three points. Morten Gamst Pedersen may have scored the goals, but it was Paul Robinson's performance at the other end which was most decisive in seeing Blackburn march to a 2-0 win over Aston Villa – their third victory in a four-match period which has seen Rovers jump from the bottom three to 11th place.

Luke Varney
Luke Varney really doesn’t look like a footballer – he looks like he's in sales, or maybe a crap mid-90s boy band who have just reformed (for the love of the music, not the money).

That said, he definitely is a footballer, because it's very very unlikely that a mere wallet-extractor could score a goal as lip-smackingly spectacular as the one Varney lashed in from the corner of the box in the early stages of Blackpool’s crucial win against Wolves.

VILLAINS

Arsene Wenger
Given his history of ‘not seeing’ offences committed by his starlets over the past 14 years, it came as no surprise to hear Wenger claim he hadn’t seen the frankly preposterous handball committed by Cesc Febregas in his own penalty area which allowed Rafael van der Vaart the opportunity to equalise from the penalty spot.

It did, however, come as a surprise to hear Wenger claim he could see that the free kick which preceded said handball should not have been awarded, despite that offence occurring the same distance away barely 30 seconds previously.

The Frenchman will also face questions over his summer defensive acquisitions, with Sebastien Squillaci and, in particular, Lorent Koscielny so far not looking anywhere near consistently solid and composed enough for a team pushing for Premier and Champions League titles.

Hugo Rodellega
What you really don’t want to do, when your team has just gone down to 10 men away to Manchester United, is fly into a two-footed tackle and get sent to join your dismissed teammate in the dressing room just minutes later. But that didn’t stop Hugo Rodellega steaming in to Rafael da Silva an hour into Wigan’s defeat at Old Trafford. Quite how the usually honest and objective Roberto Martinez could attempt to defend it, we have no idea.

Phil Dowd
Last time we checked, a finger held to pursed lips didn’t constitute inciting the crowd any more than actually putting the ball in the back of the net in the first place. But that’s why Dowd booked Spurs’ Rafel van der Vaart for doing after the Dutchman equalized at Arsenal. Killjoy.

Brad Friedel
The American keeper put in an uncharacteristically poor display as Villa slumped to defeat at Ewood Park – flapping at crosses throughout the first half before getting his positioning all wrong in allowing Morten Gamst Pedersen to bend a free-kick over his head and into the far post from an acute angle.

The match marked the 10th anniversary of Gerard Houllier releasing Friedel from Liverpool, and if this kind of performance is repeated the Frenchman may well consider doing away with him again, if only this time to the substitutes bench.

Fabricio Coloccini
Having made a right old hash of a long ball and thusly allowing Johan Elmander to barge past him and slot the ball past Tim Krul into the back of the net, the bubble-permed Argentine defender then planted his elbow in the Swede's face. His impending suspension will allow the fit-again Steven Taylor another chance to prove he can cut it in the top flight, having looked far from a Premier League defender in the Magpies relegation season. Then again, so did Coloccini.

The booing, televised, Birmingham-mentioning Prem Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 13:31:00 GMT

After more dullardry in midweek internationals, we’re back to the serious stuff; the real games of football, if you will, that actually matter.

There are real life or death games this weekend. If West Ham lose, Avram Grant will be forced to tender his resignation before being shot out of a cannon. Well, what else can you expect from Messrs Sullivan and Gold? It’s a miracle they don’t turn up to home games dressed as a circus ringleader and a sad clown.

And hey, it’s all on TV! (The football, not the cannon-shooting). Sure, we’re not talking the terrestrial terror of Adrian Chiles et al insisting on trying to find positives from an England performance that had very few of them, but get thee to a licensed pub or, failing that, a radio and you’ll find live football galore.

There are just the three untelevised or radio-ised games Premier League games this weekend. It’s a shame they include a couple of interesting but less publicised match-ups, but such is life. Well, money.

SATURDAY

Arsenal v Spurs (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5 Live Radio)

The Biggest Game In The World Ever That Is Taking Place This Weekend is essentially a reason for Arsenal to boo William Gallas.

But, and England fans take note, maybe they have a reason to. Gallas consistently undermined his own players as Arsenal captain and, upon being released from the club, joined their fiercest rivals.

Not enough to boo him upon his return, perhaps but compare to the latest pathetic performance from England fans and it seems almost reasonable. To save on more words being ranted into the ether here, read the superb Jonathan Fadugba blogging on why England fans who choose to boo are a bunch of tools.

In news rather than opinion, the BBC reports ‘Wilshere faces derby fitness race’ as if he’s a Grand National winner trying to recover in time to be ridden by a tiny jockey.

And in stats rather than news, this could be a horrible 69 for Spurs, seeking to beat one of the traditional Big Four for the first time in nearly 70 attempts.

What won’t happen: Away win: Arsenal haven’t lost back-to-back Premier League home games in nearly 13 years

What will happen: Spurs are reinvigorated by Jermain Defoe’s return and romp to a draw

Birmingham v Chelsea (3pm, 5 Live Radio)

Good coverage, 5 Live, good coverage. There aren’t enough 3pm kick-offs on the radio and this could be a corker – if Brum get their arses into gear (have to mention them this week - have had some stick for glossing over their matches more often then not...).

Winless in five matches, the home side need Ben Foster to sort out his woeful distribution from midweek, but most as importantly they need a pick-me-up to climb out of the relegation zone. Jean Beausejour could be the player to bring it: an exciting winger from Chile (that’s all they breed over there), he hasn’t featured much this season but it would be great to see him.

He and Birmingham can certainly exploit, as can many clubs over the next eight fixtures or so, a weakness at the back as Chelsea continue their policy of having no reserve centre-backs.

With John Terry out for six to eight weeks and Alex requiring knee surgery and not 100% fit, Chelsea may have to turn to back-up... except they haven’t got any. Ricardo Carvalho went to Real Madrid late in the transfer window but no replacement was brought in, leaving Chelsea with only right-back-by-nature Branislav Ivanovic as a capable CB – and he looked very dodgy against Sunderland.

Michael Mancienne having been sent out on loan to Wolves for the 15th time, Chelsea’s only options are the young and inexperienced Jeffrey Bruma (who does have an international cap, to be fair) or bringing back Michael Essien to accompany Ivanovic in the middle.

Paulo Ferreira in the heart of defence should not be considered an option.

What won’t happen: Any kind of sense to be made...

What will happen: ...as Ferreira starts in the middle again. Brum take their chance for a point

Blackpool v Wolves (3pm)

It’s too early to call this a six-pointer, but a win would be massive for either side – especially Wolves, who, for all Marcus Hahnemann’s reassurances on MOTD 2, are five points adrift of safety at the moment.

They’ll be boosted by the injury-prompted absence of Blackpool keeper Matt Gilks, although it does mean the vastly underrated (well, slightly underrated) Richard Kingson could play.

What won’t happen: The much-maligned Richard Kingson to play – the Tangerines will find some other keeper down the back of the sofa

What will happen: Away win (gasp!)

Bolton v Newcastle (3pm)

You can’t accuse Owen Coyle of being a tinkerman: Bolton have seven ever-present starters in the league this season, the joint-most with Birmingham. Being a squad member with the Trotters means being just that.

A shame, since this blog would like to see Coyle pick himself after scoring a belter in a friendly against Cliftonville this week. Check out this audacious chip (goal begins with a very debatable handball on 0:35).

For Newcastle, Andy Carroll will be fit after a decent showing on debut for England, although Cheick Tiote and – surprise, surprise – Joey Barton are suspended. Most entertainingly, Kevin Nolan will make his first return to the Reebok almost two years after leaving, prompting confusion from fans who don’t know whether to boo him or revere him.

What won’t happen: Much reverence, probably

What will happen: A draw keeps both teams in the top half

Manchester United v Wigan (3pm, Absolute Radio)

Good haul for Absolute, this – the Lancashire lash should perhaps have been on TV (oh come on, Liverpool-West Ham?).

Maybe everyone’s ignoring the game because of the likely non-event it will be: a comfortable home without the ratings-bringing thrashing. In 11 meetings between the two Manchester United have won 11, dishing out two 5-0s last season.

What won’t happen: This to go well for Wigan

What will happen: Easy win, with Javier ‘Little Sweet Green Garden Pea’ Hernandez to score a doubl

West Brom v Stoke (3pm)

Such is the current closeness of Premier League table that from week to week, Stoke seem to be veering dangerously from flirting with Grade A Minger relegation to picking up the tipsy girl next door of mid-table security, packing her into a taxi and taking her home for an evening of debauchery.

For the record and the lawyers, this is a very strained metaphor: Stoke City FC are not the kind of club to actually pick up drunken women and use them for sexual gain.

An easier claim to substantiate (because it’s true) is that after this weekend’s fixtures, the Potters could be anything from fifth to 18th. Most likely, though, they’ll be pottering along in the ninth to 12th region.

West Brom would settle for that right now: their incredible start has hollowed out somewhat. A win here would be useful to say the least. And the least is all we ever say.

What won’t happen: Either team to move much in the table, despite...

What will happen: A home win

Liverpool v West Ham (5.30pm, ESPN & ESPN HD, TalkSPORT Radio)

This blog isn’t entirely convinced this is a natural game for television, but hey, we’ll take what we can get.

West Ham haven’t won their last 24 away matches in the top flight, and haven’t won at Anfield since 1963. You can see where this is going.

Not that Liverpool’s record is looking much healthier: brilliantly, all 12 of their goals this season have been either scored or assisted by Fernando Torres or Steven Gerrard, and the latter will be missing for several weeks after injuring himself for England – that cap was almost as controversial as Fabio Capello’s homage to Tony Pulis.

What won’t happen: The Sun to let up in its tiresome campaign against Capello, especially now they have the ‘Prat in the Hat’ tagline to go with

What will happen: Home win - Gerrard or no Gerrard.

SUNDAY

Blackburn v Aston Villa (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)

The sneaking suspicion that Gerard Houllier hasn’t moved on with his life since temporarily leaving management in 2007 continues with the signing of 87-year-old Robert Pires.

And we’re assured Blackburn’s takeover by Miss Millie’s wannabes Venky’s Chicken is nearly completed, meaning many shots of anonymous men in the stands accompanied by intense-sounding voiceovers from Sky.

All in all, this is going to be the most intensely analysed 0-0 we’ve seen all season.

What won’t happen: Pires to embarrass himself or Houllier: he’s still a very useful player, though most likely in the centre now and not on the wing

What will happen: Sunday lunch snorefest

Fulham v Manchester City (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5 Live Radio)

Mark Hughes faces the club that sacked him for a seemingly worse alternative, with Roberto Mancini walking the plank and ready to be pushed. Defeat to a Cottagers team just one point away from the drop zone could be enough to see him be dropped himself, into the briny deep.

Fulham won’t be helped by an ankle injury to Chocolate Moussa Dembele, however, nor the fact that both Carlos Tevez and Joe Hart are expected to return for Man City.

What won’t happen: The visitors to score a header – they’re the only Prem team not to have done so this season (probably because Richard Dunne’s gone)

What will happen: An away win saves Mancini’s skin for now

MONDAY

Sunderland v Everton (8pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5 Live Radio)

The last time Sunderland conceded at home was to Cesc Fabregas’ converted fluke some five hours and 47 minutes ago (in football time, that is, as opposed to earlier today in a closed-doors friendly).

But they haven’t beaten Everton in 11 attempts in the league, and playing on Monday night, may struggle to maintain momentum from that amazing win at Chelsea. Darren Bent will replace Danny Welbeck up top.

For Everton, the most interesting team news is that it’s Yakubu’s birthday, bless him.

What won’t happen: A converted penalty: an impressive four of the last six at the Stadium of Light have been saved or missed

What will happen: People to keep sniffing at Chelsea’s defence as the reason behind Nedum Onouha’s solo effort, but it was a wondrous goal, so shh, all righ. Away win brings Sunderland down to Earth and down the table.

Heroes & Villains: Foxes, moustaches and gloves

James Maw — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 13:35:00 GMT

Rounding up the baddies and bigging up the goodies from the weekend's Premier League action...

RESULTS Sat 13 Nov Aston Villa 2-2 Manchester United, Manchester City 0-0 Birmingham City, Newcastle United 0-0 Fulham, Tottenham Hotspur 4-2 Blackburn Rovers, West Ham United 0-0 Blackpool, Wigan Athletic 1-0 West Bromwich Albion, Wolverhampton Wanderers 2-3 Bolton Wanderers, Stoke City 2-0 Liverpool Sun 14 Nov Everton 1-2 Arsenal, Chelsea 0-3 Sunderland

HEROES

Sunderland
It’s rare you find yourself agreeing with Paul Merson, but his prognosis that Sunderland's performance at Chelsea led to the hardest Man of the Match selection of the season was surely spot on. To a man the Black Cats were superb – from Michael Turner and Nedum Onouha at the back, to Asamoah Gyan and Danny Welbeck up top via Jordan Henderson and Lee Cattermole in the centre.

The fact the visitors had an amazing 18 attempts at goal, nine of which were on target, tells you everything you need to know about Steve Bruce's side's approach to the game, which was in stark contrast to their withdrawn stance at Tottenham on Tuesday evening and their shambolic performance at St James' Park last month.

In two weeks flat, Steve Bruce has arguably gone from his managerial nadir to his zenith. He somewhat understatedly said of the game “Today, we did OK.” It will certainly be interesting to see what Bruce does once Darren Bent returns to fitness, given how well his team have performed in his absence, perhaps benefiting from the increased flexibility their new system allows them. The England striker certainly shouldn’t expect to stroll back into the starting XI.

Johan Djourou & Lukasz Fabianski
Perhaps not the two players you'd expect to be at the front of Arsenal's Man Of The Match queue, but the pair were integral at Everton to what is becoming a typically resilient away performance from Arsene Wenger’s side.

Johan Elmander & Stuart Holden
This blog has singled out the ‘New and Improved Johan Elmander’ on a couple of occasions this season, but the evidently-more-nimble-footed-than-we-expected Swede's impromptu spot of penalty-box fox-trotting at Wolves on Saturday took his Premier League goal tally for the season to six – twice the number of big-league net-bulges he caused last season.

But we’ve yet to properly sing the praises of Bolton’s most consistent performer of the season, indefatigable midfielder Holden. Despite having a haircut like somebody out of Dawson’s Creek, or The OC, or whatever it is kids watch these days, the Scotchmerican has become an integral cog in a Bolton side exceeding all expectations so far this season. After he’s scored his first Premier League goal, finishing an 11-pass move, in a hard-fought away win, seems as good a time as any to be giving him the props. It’s better late than never.

Marc Albrighton & Stewart Downing
While Gabriel Agbonlahor earned what was by his own admission a surprise England recall over the weekend, two of his Aston Villa team-mates could have been forgiven for keeping half an eye on their mobiles on Saturday evening, hoping for a call from FA HQ. Goal – strong header off the line from Ferdinand – England call-up?

Federico Macheda & Nani
For the second successive weekend, Manchester United’s result and performance have looked altogether more positive after their title title rivals have played their matches. Macheda, despite still looking a long way from being worth of a place in the starting XI, has developed a knack of scoring late goals when United are on the rack, while Nani’s cross for Nemanja Vidic’s leveler was a thing of beauty.

Jon Walters
Here at FFT Towers, we fully support Movember, despite some of the team being too youthful to develop credible face furniture. All the more reason, then, to laud Stoke striker Jon Walters, who is currently sporting the kind of soup-strainer that even a German porn veteran (male) would be proud of. 

VILLAINS

Roberto Mancini
While sticking to your tactical guns is to an extent commendable, you’d have thought that the Manchester City boss, having come under criticism from pundits and fans following his side’s less than ambitious performance in the derby on Wednesday, might have adopted a slightly more attacking mindset at home to struggling Birmingham City.

Fair enough, Carlos Tevez has only recently returned from injury – and for that matter Argentina – and Mancini had thrown on a striker for a midfielder (Roque Santa Cruz for James Milner) 17 minutes previously. But with Brazilian forward Jo sat kicking his heels on the bench, surely the Italian could and should have been a bit more bold?

Perhaps having seen the rewards reaped by Sunderland in doing so at Chelsea, he’ll be inspired to take the plunge.

Howard Webb…
There’s no getting around it, Howard Webb didn’t have a great game at Goodison Park. While his poor decisions weren’t reserved exclusively for the benefit of Arsenal, it was Everton who probably had most cause to feel aggrieved, and not just because they ultimately lost the match.

Whether he was failing to award Everton a free-kick just outside the box for a blatant foul by Alex Song, or booking Cesc Fabregas for inadvertently catching Sylvain Distin in a 50-50 challenge in which both players were probably as culpable (or otherwise) as each other, Webb was never far away from agitating one set of fans or the other. Come Tony Pulis's revolution, expect to see Mr Webb at a fourth division ground near you.

 Sebastien Squillaci could and should have been sent off for hauling down Louis Saha as the Everton star looked to circumnavigate the Frenchman, with no other Arsenal defender realistically about to stop the pacy forward getting a shot in.

…Mike Dean…
 Wes Brown could and should have been sent off for bundling over Ashley Young as the Aston Villa star looked to pounce on a Gabriel Agbonlahor cross, with no other United defender realistically about to stop the pacy forward getting a shot in.

…and Chris Foy
Branislav Ivanovic could and should been sent off for tugging back Danny Welbeck as the Sunderland star burst through the home defence, with no other Chelsea defender realistically about to stop the pacy forward getting a shot in.

And people whinge that there’s no consistency among Premier League referees…

Gael Givet
In a baffling and costly loss of concentration akin to a three-year-old letting go of a balloon then bawling as it gently floats away, Blackburn defender Givet gifted Peter Crouch his first Premier League goal of the season by inexplicably failing to shepherd clear the ball after Paul Robinson had parried a Roman Pavlyuchenko shot. This allowed Crouch to prod the ball past the understandably miffed Yorkshire-born gloveman.

The French defender may have compensated for it partly by scoring Rovers' second in injury time, but his lack of focus in his own box was ultimately the moment the match moved beyond the visitors.

Ryan Babel
 The delicate little Twitter-flower delayed his own substitution in Liverpool’s defeat at Stoke because he had forgotten to put his gloves on.

Heroes & Villains: Punches, crunches and dribbling morons

James Maw — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 10:27:00 GMT

For this midweek only we’re flipping Heroes and Villains as, well, there weren’t really as many decent heroes as villains. Look, we don’t have to conform to your damn conventions...

RESULTS Tue 9 Nov Stoke City 3-2 Birmingham City, Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Sunderland Wed 10 Nov West Ham United 2-2 West Bromwich Albion, Wigan Athletic 1-1 Liverpool, Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-2 Arsenal, Aston Villa 3-2 Blackpool, Chelsea 1-0 Fulham, Newcastle United 1-2 Blackburn Rovers, Everton 1-1 Bolton Wanderers, Manchester City 0-0 Manchester United

VILLAINS

Manchester City and Manchester United
The boos you heard at the end of this match weren’t from the home fans, rather from us poor, put-upon neutrals who have had to endure weeks of tedious hyperbolic build-up to this match, without the pay-off of 90 minutes' entertainment. Booo. Obviously, we jest, and the boos really were from the City faithful, and although a point against Manchester United isn’t ever to be sniffed at, the home side’s approach to the game was over-cautious bordering on the flat-out negative. Boooo.

One salient fact: there was only one offside during the whole match. That’s how often the two teams looked to play their forwards in behind. Booooo. United will be the happier, and looked the more likely to win the match, but ultimately both sides will reflect on this match as an opportunity missed - City for adopting such a restrained approach and United for not taking advantage of City’s edginess. Boooooo.

Did we say booooooo?

Lee Cattermole
You’ve got to wonder what on earth is going through this chap’s head. Having been sent off twice already this season, the Sunderland midfielder hurtled into a challenge with Spurs midfielder Luka Modric with two feet off the ground, clipping the top of the ball before clattering the Croatian and sending him flying.

While "getting the ball first" may be enough for dribbling morons like Sky Sports' Tony Gale, it’s not enough for those who would rather not see more injuries of the nature we saw inflicted on Hatem Ben Arfa last month.

Ironically, of course, Cattermole wouldn’t have even played at White Hart Lane had he been sent off for what looked a suspiciously deliberate goal-line handball on Saturday. Ho-hum.

Michael Essien
They call this "doing a Balotelli" in the blue half of Manchester, that is when they’re not sleeping or booing. The Ghana midfielder may have scored what proved to be the only goal of Wednesday evening’s derby win over Fulham, but didn’t help Chelsea’s cause by later being sent off on his return from injury after going in two-footed with studs showing on Clint Dempsey. There may not have been much contact, but it was certainly a bit reckless, and a lot stupid. Another little break for you, Michael.

Marouane Fellaini
Another idiot, the disco-loving Belgian thought the dying minutes of a home match in which his side were losing was the right time to try and stud the admittedly irritating Paul Robinson in the swingers. To be fair to Fellaini, his side levelled the match once he had been given his marching orders, so perhaps he was onto something.

Joey Barton
Why, Joey, why? You’ve had a very impressive start to the season, playing a key role in Newcastle’s surprise climb to fifth, then you go and thump the admittedly irritating Morten Gamst Pedersen in the stomach, almost certainly meaning you’ll be handed a ban by the FA. Why? Sorry, what’s that? It’s because you’re a hot-headed fool who’ll never learn? Oh, OK then.

Cesc Fabregas
He may well have apologised as profusely as a morning-after wife-beater, but the contrition came too late - much like the Spaniard’s "meaty" tackle on Stephen Ward that lead to the Wolves man being stretchered off. It certainly would have had Arsene Wenger kicking Lucozade bottles over the stand had the boot been on the other foot (or embedded into the other calf).

Aston Villa fans
In the words of Delia Smith; “Where are yous? [hic] Letsh be havin yeeeeew!” Sure, a clash with Blackpool’s B-team on a chilly November evening might not set the pulses racing, much like the bulk of Villa’s football this season, but a Premier League crowd 8,000 below capacity is pretty poor for a club with top-four ambitions.

HEROES

Marouane Chamakh
Arsene Wenger’s big summer signing (in terms of expected impact, if not price, seeing as he was on a free) has had a steady if unspectacular start to life in English football, acting as a slightly more consistent ‘direct option’ than Nicklas Bendtner.

The Moroccan couldn’t have wished for a much better start to Wednesday evening's game at Wolves, heading home Alex Song’s right-wing cross after just 37 seconds to put Arsenal into an early lead. He ended it pretty well too, holding his run to stay onside before galloping onto the end of Cesc Fabregas’s chipped through ball and dinking the ball past Marcus Hahnemann.

Jason Roberts
From not having a squad number at the start of the season, to being the man to score two successive winners. Not a bad week at all for Blackburn’s striker. The former Wigan and West Brom man didn’t play a second of football this term until coming on against Chelsea 10 days ago and while he may not have looked particularly sharp that day, you can’t question his impact since. Now he has good cause to expect to make his first start of the season at Tottenham on Saturday.

Nathan Delfouneso
The youngster looked lively throughout Aston Villa’s win over Blackpool, and was maybe unlucky to see a 56th-minute header ruled out for a fairly innocuous bit of climbing as he battled to outjump his marker. No bother, as it turned out: minutes later, the teenager beat the Blackpool offside trap to smash Villa into a 2-1 lead anyway.

Mike Dean
We always like to make a point of praising referees when they get things right, if only because it seems to have been a fairly rare occurrence in the Premier League this season, so step forward Mr Michael Leslie Dean, 42, of the Wirral.

The man in the middle at Upton Park awarded two penalties that, while entirely correct, would more often than not probably be waved away by the man in black. One for each team too, so it was all lovely and even. Beautiful.

Jermaine Beckford
It’s been a long time coming, but the former Leeds striker will be massively boosted by scoring his first Premier League. And in some style too, curling home brilliantly in the dying seconds of the match at the home end to secure a hard-fought point for his team.

Asamoah Gyan
One chance, one goal, one Bent-shaped hole in Sunderland’s attack firmly plugged. You can’t really ask for much more than that, can you?

Stoke
Finally, praise for a team bullied for most of the season by certain FFT bloggers. Having lost five successive matches, they could easily have crumbled after blowing a two-goal lead – but against Birmingham on Tuesday, the Potters dug deep and unearthed a brilliant 3-2 victory.

This was the kind of grit and determination we became accustomed to seeing from Tony Pulis’s side in their first two Premier League seasons, but that has been missing so far this term. You sense if there’s to be a turning point in their season, this may well be it.

Prem Preview: Morph suits, mental recovery and Mick Hucknall

James Maw — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 15:49:00 GMT

And so to the floodlights.

It's the only full midweek Premier League programme before Christmas, and these midweek sports specials - one for you older readers there - open a quickfire Premier League double-header. Half the sides will play two home games in a week, while the other 10 sets of fans face a double dose of motorway fun.

Contraflow curses aside, the pressure will really be on those underperforming sides playing at home twice. Like West Ham, who host newly-promoted duo West Brom and Blackpool within the space of four days.

With both the Baggies and Tangerines having turned in eye-catchingly good away performances so far and the Upton Park faithful not the most patient bunch, could the end be nigh for cuddly old uncle Avram Grant?

TUESDAY

Stoke v Birmingham
Hold on to your unsightly baseball hats, Tony Pulis is off on one again...

Sure, the Stoke boss has every right to be miffed after the Potters were denied a clear goal/penalty after Sunderland’s Lee Cattermole handled a Kenwyne Jones header on/behind the goalline in Saturday’s match at the Stadium of Light, but there are gaping holes in his plan to get Premier League managers to vote on which referees are allowed to remain operating in the top flight the following season.

For starters, we doubt very much the Football League would be up for having the top flight’s cast-offs forced down the garbage chute with even more regularity than usual. Then there’s the matter of the integrity of the whole system. Imagine Fergie coming out before a ‘six-pointer’ towards the end of the season and stating “I haven’t decided which referees I’ll vote out of the Premier League yet. I hope the referee on Saturday has a good game.”

What won’t happen: This ‘Sky Sports contractual obligation special’ to be one of the games of the season.
What will happen: Sky Sports to bill this ‘Sky Sports contractual obligation special’ as one of the games of the season. 0-0.

Tottenham v Sunderland
Spurs will look to bounce back from their largely shambolic defeat at Bolton with a home win against Sunderland, who bounced back from their largely shambolic defeat at Newcastle with a home win against Stoke. So it can happen.

Darren Bent is out for Sunderland, meaning there’ll be no missed penalties, no hurled plastic bottles, and no goals for any Sunderland player other than Asamoah Gyan, given the two forwards are the only Sunderland players to net so far this term.

Spurs may or may not be without the Premier League's October Player of the Month Rafael van der Vaart, with Harry Redknapp yet to decide on what degree he is "daaahn to the bare bones'.

What won’t happen: Spurs to keep a clean sheet - they haven’t done that since the opening day against Roberto Mancini’s 4-6-0 Manchester City.
What will happen: A Sunderland player other than Gyan or Bent to score for Sunderland, now we’ve pointed that out, but Spurs to edge it 2-1.

WEDNESDAY

Aston Villa v Blackpool
It’s been a funny old start to the season for Villa - four points off fifth place, but only three above the drop zone.

Their fairly poor league form (three points from the last five matches) has been masked by the tightness of the Premier League table, and it’s not often tightness masks stuff, as anybody who saw a certain member of the FFT posse in a skintight lycra St George Cross ‘morph suit’ during the World Cup will testify...

Blackpool may only be one point better off than Villa, but will be more than a little chuffed with their start. They’re realistically well over a third of the way to safety, with barely a quarter of the season gone.

They do need to work on their sharpness in front of goal, mind. An impressive 41 shots in their last two matches have produced an unimpressive five shots on target and four goals, two of which came against the nine men of West Brom.

What won’t happen: Marlon Harewood to play against his former club in a skintight lycra St George Cross ‘morph suit’.
What will happen: Harewood and chums to put in another strong away showing. 1-1.

Chelsea v Fulham
Via the popular medium of the backhanded compliment, Fulham have been described this season as ‘hard to beat’, having only lost twice in 11 league matches. However you could just as easily describe them as ‘easy to prevent from winning’, given they’ve also only won two matches.

Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti is expected to welcome back Michael Essien to his side following their defeat at Anfield in his absence, while Didier Drogba should also start, despite suffering malaria. Who’d have thought it, Didier Drogba is harder than Cheryl Cole...

What won’t happen: Didier Drogba and Cheryl Cole to sing a moving duet about malaria. Sadly.
What will happen: A rare non-draw for Fulham as Chelsea bounce back. 2-1.

Everton v Bolton
While everyone has been creaming themselves over the early-season form of the newly promoted sides, steady old Bolton have been steadily moving steadily into the upper echelons of the Premier League table, like a big steady... errrrm... train.

They’ll travel to Goodison full of confidence after a highly impressive win over ‘hungover’ Spurs on Saturday [that’s a Champions League hangover – FFT lawyer], but will be wary of their recent record on the Toffees’ patch. They’ve failed to score on their last four visits, losing each time. However, the last time they did win in Moyesville, it was a 4-0 gubbing. Swings and roundabouts, innit?

What won’t happen: Bolton to win 4-0.
What will happen: Everton to pee on Bolton’s early-season chips with a narrow, hard-fought 2-1 win. And with only three points and three goals separating them from 16th-placed Blackburn, Bolton to drift back into midtable.

Manchester City v Manchester United
Look, everybody is going to be blathering on about this game between now and 8pm on Wednesday, and then most probably also from that point onwards to 3pm on Saturday, so you’ll have to forgive us for keeping this brief for fear of boring you all to tears.

City, United, Tevez, noisy neighbours, Denis Law, massive club, “this city is ours“, Wayne Rooney, no wait - not Wayne Rooney, “well we didn’t want him anyway”, “we took 10,000 to York”, “we took four billion to Barcelona”, some homemade banner that says something about something or other, Eric Cantona sat in some berk’s kitchen talking about the derby for no apparent reason, Curly Watts, Mick Hucknall, “Ryan Giggs was at City as a kid”, “Yeah, everybody knows that - they always mention it, it’s boring now”, “Fergie, sign him up”, “Fergie, sign him up”, ‘Welcome to Manchester", “quick, get some socks and red paint…”

What won’t happen: This match to be the be-all and end-all of the existence of mankind, or even football, as we know it.
What will happen: Some football to be played in a way that will probably ultimately prove anti-climactic. 1-1.

Newcastle v Blackburn
There could be a touch of the after-the-Lord-Mayor’s-Shows about this match for Newcastle, having won so brilliantly at home to Sunderland and away to Arsenal in their last two matches.

Despite big wins against Villa and the Mackems, Newcastle haven’t always found playing at St James’ entirely enjoyable this season – they've got just one point from their other three home games, with Stoke, Wigan and Blackpool all scoring twice.

Blackburn’s strong defensive record (they’ve conceded fewer Premier League goals than Newcastle and the same number as Manchester United) suggests there’s a possibility of the home crowd being frustrated once more.

What won’t happen: Kevin Nolan or Andy Carroll to dash out and buy the News of the World in a hurry.
What will happen: Blackburn to hold Chris Hughton’s side to a bore draw. 0-0.

West Ham v West Brom
It’s the West derby – the biggest derby in English football (other than the East derby between Eastbourne Borough and East Grinstead Town, obviously) and the pressure is well and truly on Hammers boss Avram Grant.

Like fellow Premier League noobs Blackpool, West Brom are in the snug confines of mid-table - where just two points separate sixth and 14th place - and, like Blackpool, they’ll be more than happy with being well on the road to safety, which will still be their primary aim despite taking four points from away trips to Arsenal and Manchester United.

West Ham, meanwhile, would probably settle for four home points against West Brom and Blackpool (who they host on Saturday) for starters...

What won’t happen: West Ham to get four points against West Brom and Blackpool
What will happen: The locals to get (even more) restless. A 2-1 win for the visitors.

Wigan v Liverpool
Liverpool are back to their five-time-European-Cup-winning best!

Well, that may be overstating it a bit, but they at least look to be capable of winning football matches that aren’t handed to them on a plate, while Fernando Torres is finally starting to look a little something like his old self, even if he’s still a long way from hitting top gear.

Wigan, meanwhile, have been largely bobbins at home this season. Can you see where this is going?

What won’t happen: Liverpool fans not to get carried away.
What will happen: Liverpool to continue their mini-revival with another win. 2-0.

Wolverhampton Wanderers v Arsenal
With the greatest of respect to Wolves, they’ll get nothing from this match if they try and get involved in a free-flowing pass-tacular football fun-fest. And Mick McCarthy is likely to recognise this, even if he struggles to recognise Juan Sebastian Veron.

The Gunners can ill afford to drop many, if any, points against the Premier League’s lesser lights following their second home defeat to a newly-promoted side this season against Newcastle on Sunday. But with Arsene Wenger stating Cesc Fabregas is still ‘restricted’ by the ongoing mental recovery from his recent injury problems, you sense they may struggle to avoid doing so.

What won’t happen: Arsene Wenger to leap up in celebration of a tackle, or to dismiss any meaty challenges on his teenie-tiny starlets as "just part of the game".
What will happen: Karl Henry to be booked (at least) and Arsenal to be strong-armed out of a win. 1-1.

Heroes & Villains: Bed-wetters, fruit loops and the Wicker Man

James Maw — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 10:21:00 GMT

The weekend's Premier League goodies and baddies...

HEROES

Fernando Torres
If the proclamations that Fernando Torres was ’back’ following his goal against Blackburn two weeks ago seemed a trifle premature, similar claims following his match-winning performance on Sunday certainly appear to be of more substance.

The formerly flaxon forward furthered his frightening goalscoring record at Anfield (44 in 47 league matches) and in particular against Chelsea (seven in eight), as Roy Hodgson’s relegation-threatened Reds showed they were never really at any risk of going down and the namby-pamby bed-wetting sorts who previously thought otherwise were actually just being rather silly.

As silly, in fact, as the people who thought the Reds would win the blessed league just because they signed Joe Cole. And we’re not entirely ruling out the possibility there may be some overlap on the Venn Diagram of those two groups.

Chris Hughton
The first thing to say about Chris Hughton is that all of the grey in his hair - and you expect plenty of it on a Newcastle manager - has curiously gathered on one side of his head. The second thing to say about Chris Hughton is that he is working absolute miracles at St James’ Park and deserves all the praise, accolades and new contracts heading his way.

It's one thing to tonk a woefully out-of-sorts Sunderland at home, even if it's the most important thing in the world for your fans. Rocking up to the home of one of the ‘Big Four/Three/Five/Six’ and coming away with a richly-deserved 1-0 victory is quite another.

With back-to-back home games against Blackburn and Fulham to come over the next week, it could well be that the Magpies are soaring (gerrit?) towards the top of the Premier League table for a while longer yet.

That or they’ll suffer some sort of mental breakdown and not be able to win at home again for a couple of months like they did the last time they gave somebody a right royal gubbing - you never can tell with Newcastle…

Gretar Steinsson
With the football media going absolutely stark raving mental about Gareth Bale following his ascension to the higher echelons of largely over-egged and generally worthless hyperboledom, much of the focus in the run up to Saturday’s meeting of Bolton and Spurs fell upon the man facing the ‘impossible’ task of stopping Gareth Bale. So impossible nobody has managed it since Phil Neville about two weeks ago.

But in a delicious twist of oh-so-predictable irony, Spurs couldn’t muster a second decent showing in a week, and it was the Icelandic defender who had the bigger impact on the game, scoring as he did Bolton’s second goal.

Granted, he may have been left in Bale’s wake on a couple of occasions in the first half, but he was able to tighten the screw in the second and generally snuff out the threat of the athletic young Welshman.

Word too for Kevin Davies, who scored two - one a perfect penalty, which should surely underline his potential worth to England - and deftly teed-up Martin Petrov’s game-settler in front of the watching Fabio Capello.

Ji Sung Park
With Saturday being Sir Alex Ferguson’s 24th snniversary at Old Trafford, it was perhaps fitting that Manchester United would win in textbook fashion - at the last, having failed to impress in the first 93 minutes of the match.

But with United’s frontline consisting of the vastly inexperienced trio of Gabriel Obertan, Bebe and Javier Hernandez, it was always likely that Ferguson would rely on one of his old stagers to seal the win.

In the event, it wasn’t Ryan Giggs or Paul Scholes, rather the understated and generally under-praised Ji Sung Park. The midfielder, having earlier put United 1-0 up, dodged a flurry of Wolves challenges before twisting inside and screwing a shot into Marcus Hahnemann’s onion bag.

Such a scrappy win probably didn’t give too much encouragement to Ferguson or United’s fans at the time, but with fellow Champions League participants Chelsea, Arsenal and Tottenham slipping to defeats of varying degrees of unforseeableness, they should just be happy to have got the points ’on the board’.

Asamoah Gyan
Nothing will help you get over a derby day doing-over better than a win, other than maybe 28 further wins and the League title.

With that fairly certain not to happen, the Black Cats will have to make do with this Gyan-inspired win over Stoke. The Ghanaian scored twice and also won his side a penalty – although he had that chance grabbed off him by Steed Malbranque, who fluffed the spot-kick.

And all this in Gyan's first Premier League start in the absence of Darren Bent, who was busy playing Call of Duty or something.

Neil Eardley
A superb free kick scored by a player who reminds us all of Neal Ardley and the halcyon days of Wimbledon’s Crazy Gang crazying up the Premiership (as it was then) with their crazy madcap craziness. Crazy.

VILLAINS

Mario Balotelli
In lieu of any real Premier League villainy this weekend, we’ve opted to make Super Mario our headline act. The Italian scored his first two Premier League goals as Manchester City vitally returned to winning ways at the Hawthornes, but then needlessly got himself sent off following two petulant and pointless offences.

He earned his red card for threateningly swinging a leg in the direction of West Brom midfielder Youssuf Mulumbu’s face, like a haggard old man shaking his walking stick at some unruly youths.

And now he’ll miss Wednesday match's against Manchester United. It's the last thing Roberto Mancini needs, what with the tabloids - who as we know are always right - suggesting Jose Mourinho may be willing to leave free-scoring, table-topping Champions League contenders Real Madrid in favour of a team containing a fruit loop he was probably more than a little relieved to be done with this summer.

That’s Balotelli again, in case you were wondering.

Javier Hernandez
Having wooed and wowed us with some nifty footwork, unusual heading technique and adorable little cherub-like face that you just want to gleefully squeeze like a semi-deranged octogenarian, Javier Hernandez showed exactly what we don’t like to see from young players in the dying minutes of Manchester United’s laboured win over Wolves.

With the game locked at 1-1 and time ticking away, the Mexican took an almighty tumble after going out of his way to ensure his left boot clipped Marcus Hanehman as the ball ran harmlessly out for a goal kick. Fortunately, he didn’t fool Phil Dowd, who wore a typically disgusted expression as he booked the little scamp for his misdemeanour.

Tottenham Hotspur
Saturday’s feeble defeat at Bolton was possibly the most predictable episode in the entire history of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

But what we’d really like to know is why Harry Redknapp - having last week left Peter Crouch on the bench at Old Trafford reasoning he wouldn’t get much change out of aerial battles with Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand - opted to start the gangly Pringle-plugger as a lone striker against a Bolton team featuring the tallest centre-back in Premier League history, 6ft 6in Zat Knight.

Rob Green
He may have been on a relatively steady post-World Cup upward curve, but Rob Green showed that he's still not 100% confident after some uncertain goalkeeping contributed substantially to the Hammers blowing a two-goal lead at St Andrews.

Indecision from Green and his defence allowed Cameron Jerome to nip in and score Birmingham‘s first, before Green meekly palmed a Seb Larsson free kick straight back into the danger zone, allowing Liam Ridgewell to immediately rifle the rebound straight back past him. Safety first, Robert, safety first.

Michael Oliver
Also contributing to West Ham’s failure to win the match was whistle-blowing whippersnapper Oliver’s incredible omission to award a late penalty to the Irons when Jean Beausejour tugged back Lars Jacobsen as the Danish full-back burst into the Birmingham penalty area.

Avram Grant was understandably furious, although not visibly so, having maintained the same facial expression since November 1984.

Martin Atkinson
Look, we don’t like picking on referees, but when they insist on making such an array of bewildering decisions, we feel... well, we feel like we should pick on them, at least a little bit.

Atkinson’s nadir, for this week at least, came when Kenwyne Jones of Stoke, returning to former club Sunderland for the first time, saw a header cleared from just behind the line by the arm, face, then arm again of Lee Cattermole, whose spot of impromptu ball-juggling quite possibly broke his personal keepie-uppie record.

Lukasz Fabianski
Given what was a largely insipid Arsenal performance across the board, it’s probably more than a little harsh to pick out Fabianski for specific criticism. But the young Pole perhaps proved once again that, although he’s capable of occasional brilliance, he’s probably still lacking the focus and reading of the game to be a No.1 goalkeeper at a side with pretensions of winning the Premier or Champions League.

Whoever is responsible for Fulham’s paper noisey-making-whacking-thingies
Listen, we’re all for keeping things twee and a bit old-school retro 1950s football fandom chic, but this is really taking the biscuit. The sight and sound of 15-odd thousand people sitting and rhythmically thwacking a piece of strategically folded cardboard against their hands is like a deleted scene from some middle-class Wicker Man remake.

Whatever happened to the days when unhealthy levels of aggression and a liberal smattering of profanity were enough fun for your average fan of a Saturday afternoon? Eh, Hearts and Hibs fans?

Fat, shirtless, jiggling Newcastle fans
The other end of the scale (again with the puns), perhaps, but a continuing phenomenon which causes much queasiness, nonetheless.

What you do at The Bigg Market is your prerogative, but when you’re likely to be captured by national television cameras a little more decorum is required. Especially in the era of 3D TV.

Killjoys? Us?

Premier League Heroes & Villains: From Henry Winter to disembowelling

James Maw — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 11:36:00 GMT

The weekend's Premier League heroes and villains, as chosen by James Maw...

HEROES

Kevin Nolan
Henry Winter probably put it best - “Kevin Nolan, midfielder, goalscorer, captain, landlord...utterly immense for Newcastle United.”

In taking his tally for the season to six, the Scouse midfielder has already scored more Premier League goals in this campaign than he did in his last two seasons in the top flight (he scored five over the course of 2007/08 and 2008/09 - none of which came his first half-season at Newcastle at the end of that period).

Despite scoring a hat-trick, goals were really only a small part of Nolan’s contribution to the Newcastle cause on Sunday afternoon. The Magpies skipper was largely spot-on with his passing, and was typically happy to compete physically in those traditional tenacious derby moments.

Having appeared to go stale towards the end of his time at Bolton, and then failing to find form quickly enough to help Newcastle avoid the drop last spring, Nolan looks to finally be hitting the right notes as consistently as he was in his mid-2000s heyday, when he was regularly touted for an England call-up.

Would it really be so ridiculous to repeat those calls if he can maintain his early season form for a prolonged period?

Chris Hughton
Word too for the Newcastle manager who, although we may well have expected to be among the fore-runners in the early season sack race, certainly doesn’t deserve to be. Like Nolan, Hughton acts as a steadying influence on a club and group of players who haven’t always found it easy to avoid controversy and upheaval.

If he can keep the likes of Joey Barton and Andy Carroll on the straight and narrow, and performing as well as they’ve shown they’re capable of in spells over the last two months or so, then he’ll already have gone a long way to being more Robson than Gullit in the eyes of the Geordie faithful.

Robert Green
While you could argue West Ham deserved little from Saturday’s match at Emirates Stadium, having come under extended spells of pressure from Arsenal, it’d be hard to argue that Robert Green didn’t deserve better than a heartbreaking last-gasp defeat.

The Hammers stopper appears to be recovered from his England clanger more quickly than predecessors Paul Robinson and Scott Carson, and continued his recent revival in N5, frustrating the title-chasing hosts for fully 87 minutes, only to eventually be beaten by an Alex Song header.

Wolves
While their over-physical approach against Newcastle in September and the continued shenanigans of Karl Henry have seen Wolves described in less than glowing terms in this column, their performance against Manchester City was one worthy of high praise.

Mick McCarthy’s side remain in the bottom three, and with Manchester United and Arsenal coming up in their next two matches, these will have been three very welcome points indeed.

Branislav Ivanovic
As Chelsea’s tightly-contested clash at Blackburn entered the final five minutes, Serbian defender Ivanovic looked like he was about to get the elbow from Chelsea coach Carlo Ancelotti, with rival right-back Paulo Ferreira stomping the touchline in preparation for a substitute appearance.

So it was good timing, then, that he instead headed the Blues into a late lead - notching his first Premier League goal in the process.

Blackburn had several good chances to go in front themselves at 1-1, but scoring late goals and winning when you’re on the back foot are hallmarks of champions, as they say. The difference between Chelsea and Manchester City, perhaps?

Blackburn’s goal nets
Not quite sure an inanimate object can strictly be labelled as a ‘hero’, but it’s probably no more of a stretch than most of the other entries over the last two and a half months…

The Ewood Park ground staff wowed the world with their snazzy chequered onion bags – which had made their debut unnoticed against Sunderland in a match which rarely troubled either keeper – although sadly for Big Sam’s team it wasn’t enough to put off Chelsea.

Clint Dempsey
As a manager, when you’re without your leading striker and top scorer, you’re going to want your other players to chip in with their fair share of goals.

Fortunately for Fulham manager Mark Hughes, Clint Dempsey – often used effectively in midfield during his Fulham career – has done his bit to fill the gaping Bobby Zamora-shaped void in the Fulham front line, chipping in with another two goals against Wigan on Saturday, taking his tally for the season to five.

But, as if that wasn’t enough, the American dazzled Match of the Day’s bewildered audience with some top-drawer football Americanisms - ‘side backs’ (fullbacks) and ‘on frame’ (on target). What an sweet, adorable little superpower America is, eh?

VILLAINS

Mark Clattenburg
There was no bad refereeing in the build up to Nani’s goal... because there was no refereeing at all.

Nani goes down after contact from Younes Kaboul - nothing doing. Nani dives after he’s edged away from Kaboul - nothing doing. Nani clearly handles the ball for a couple of seconds while lying sprawled across the floor - nothing doing.

We all know the usual outstretched-arms signal for ‘play on', and Clattenburg at no point made it. He just - pootled off towards the halfway line with his back to the ball. When Gomes yelled to ask him either whether it was a free-kick, or where it should be taken from, all Clattenburg could offer was a shrug. We’re not entirely convinced a shrug constitutes a signalling of ‘carry on’, at least not outside France.

Clattenburg can’t just decide he wants to play advantage and keep it to himself, just like he can’t book a player in his mind then show him a second yellow later on with the player unaware he was already on a yellow. All of the confusion and the air of amateurishness that followed the incident came from Clattenburg at no stage making it clear what he was doing.

However…

Heurelho Gomes
It’s somewhat of a cliché, but still an accurate one - play to the whistle. The Spurs keeper will have to shoulder a healthy share of the blame for Nani’s goal, even if there were clearly several other players on both sides expecting a free kick.

Had the Brazilian held on to the ball then kicked or thrown the ball - after all, this is a guy who can throw the ball past the halfway line - then Spurs wouldn’t have fallen two goals down and would have prolonged their hopes of getting reward from the match in which they had performed impressively, particularly in the first half.

Roberto Mancini
It’s an indication of how quickly things can change in football that City are now closer to Liverpool than they are to Chelsea, when two weeks ago City were the only team who could stop Carlo Ancelotti’s side from marching to another title and Liverpool were the worst team in the history of the world ever.

The Italian knows what it takes to win a title, of course, but some of his tactical decisions this season have been peculiar. Case in point: his substitutions on Saturday. With City trailing 2-1 at bottom-three Wolves and the time ticking away, Mancini brought on full-back Pablo Zabaletta for goalscorer Emmanuel Adebayor, despite Mario Balotelli clearly labouring in the second half and Brazilian striker Jo sat on the bench.

Sunderland’s defence
For a team managed by such an accomplished defender as Steve Bruce, Sunderland’s back four were an utter shambles at St James’ Park in a derby defeat their fans will be wishing to forget forever.

Sunderland were undone by clumsy, pointless tackle (from Nedum Onouha on Jonas Gutierrez to concede Newcastle’s first-half penalty) after clumsy, pointless tackle (on Andy Carroll from Titus Bramble as the last line of defence, leading to a red card). And that’s not to mention the sloppy distribution and failure to pick up Newcastle’s biggest aerial threats at set pieces throughout the second half.

This was an uncharacteristically atrocious performance from a Sunderland team who over the last 18 months have generally found something to take from a match, even in defeat. But not this time.

Compilers of achingly long and massively contrived Halloween-themed football montages
Yes, ESPN and Sky, we’re looking at you. Is it really necessary? Every year? We all know what’s going on, it just seems a bit cheap and obvious. It’s not even a proper holiday, like Christmas or Grand Slam Sunday.

Blah blah blah blah, horror show. Blah blah blah, back from the dead. Blah blah blah, Attack of the Giant Aubergines. Wait, not the last one...

Still, we’ll be back when next weekend's Premier League action will surely contain FIREWORKS and, er, religious insurgents being tortured, hanged, castrated and disembowelled. Boom!

Good Neville, bad Neville

James Maw — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 11:37:00 GMT

The weekend's winners and losers, literally and figuratively...

HEROES

Lukasz Fabianski
A confident and composed performance from the Arsenal goalkeeper helped his side seal all three points in what had looked a tricky away day. Hang on a second, what the...?

No, we've checked and it's definitely right - an Arsenal goalkeeper had a good match, and he wasn’t even a jolly moustachioed Yorkshireman or a mental German.

Perhaps his best save was one he didn’t need to make, from Emmanuel Adebayor’s point-blank header in the 73rd minute. The Togolese forward had been flagged offside, but neither he nor his former Arsenal teammate were to know that.

It’s often said that confidence in the most important attribute for a goalkeeper, and this performance and the clean sheet that resulted from it will do Fabianski the world of good.

Samir Nasri
Sky may have handed the post-match champers to Cesc Fabregas, but Nasri was just as, if not more integral (if it’s possible to be ’more integral’…) than the Gunners skipper, scoring the opener and playing through Nicklas Bendtner for Arsenal’s third.

The Frenchman has imposed himself on matches on a far more regular basis this season, and looks physically stronger and more energetic than in previous seasons.

Mark Clattenburg
We’re always quick to criticise when an official makes an error (although we did omit to lament Clattenburg last week for wrongly ruling out a late West Ham goal at Wolves…), so it’s only fair to praise them when they’re on the money.

Clattenburg, despite chants of ‘1-0 to the referee’ towards the end of the first half, got all of the game’s big decisions right and was strong in the face of a barrage of whinging from City players throughout the first half.

As tough a break as it was for Dedryck Boyatta to be dismissed after barely four minutes, it was the right call, as was the penalty award against Vincent Kompany for a clumsy challenge on Cesc Fabregas.

Javier Hernandez
If ‘The Little Green Pea’ (as Richard Keys insists on incorrectly calling him) was just doing what comes naturally to a centre forward in smashing home his second goal of the from close range to seal Manchester United their first away win of the season at Stoke, his opener was more unorthodox.

The Mexican somehow powered the ball home with the back of his head, displaying the kind of neck strength you’d expect from a seasoned musclebound headbanging rock Adonis rather than a tiny, slightly feminine 22-year-old.

Phil Neville
Left-back Leighton Baines may have been the one to put Everton into the lead with a superb free kick, it was his right-sided pal Neville who was perhaps Everton’s best performer on the day, keeping in-form Inter-botherer Gareth Bale in check in a way Douglas Maicon could only dream of…

Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll
In all honesty, these goalscoring co-habitants probably weren’t Newcastle’s best performers at Upton Park on Saturday evening, so honourable mention should go to the brilliant Chiek Tiote, but it was still nice to see the Toon roomies slightly awkwardly embrace one another following their goals.

Things probably aren’t quite so warm and fuzzy when they’re bickering over spending too much time in the shower. Or when there’s a flaming Range Rover on the driveway.

VILLAINS

Richard Dunne & Jamie Carragher
Far, far more thrilling than the race for the Premier League title or golden boot is the eternal struggle for own-goal supremacy.

For a few years now - essentially since Frank Sinclair left Leicester in 2004 - two men have dominated the Premier League OG scene; two men who ‘wear their hearts on their sleeves’ and are ‘as honest as the day is long’. Those two men, as you really should have guessed by now given their names are in bold above this here blathering nonsense, are Aston Villa’s Richard Dunne and Liverpool’s Jamie Carragher.

Going into this weekend’s matches, ‘Dunny’ led ‘Carra’ by seven own goals to six, and doubled his lead up at Sunderland on Saturday with an acrobatic near-post finish from a Steed Malbranque cross.

But Carragher, never one to be out-calamitied, bravely pulled one back barely 24 hours later against Blackburn at Anfield, bundling (or bungling) the ball into the net after team mate Paul Konchesky had cleared it off the line from an El Hadji Diouf shot a split second beforehand.

The footballing battle to end all footballing battles continues next weekend, sports fans.

Gary Neville
Let’s be honest, nobody outside the red half of Manchester (or Guildford, lolz) likes this guy at the best of times. Less so when he’s been ludicrously, massively, gut-wrenchingly fortunate to avoid seeing a red card, having twice clattered Stoke winger Matthew Etherington in the first half, but still looks genuinely perplexed at his manager’s decision to pull him off (stop giggling at the back).

Roberto Mancini
OK, OK - one more mention of that game.

The Italian insisted post-match that his side would have won had they not gone down to 10 men. Quite how he can confidently make such a bold statement given the sending off came after just four minutes of the match we have no idea.

He then went on to reason that, as Boyata was shown a red card for his foul on Chamakh, Newcastle’s Mike Williamson should have also seen red for his ‘foul’ on Carlos Tevez when the Magpies visited Eastlands earlier this month, nimbly sidestepping all the questionable refereeing decisions that went his team’s way that day (including the aforementioned penalty award).

West Ham
Usually, playing at home under the floodlights against a team close to you in the league is enough to galvanise out-of-form players. Sadly for West Ham fans, their boys were not inspired in such a way in their match against fellow strugglers (yes, yes - it’s only October) Newcastle on Saturday evening.

The Hammers having exploded out of the traps and taken a deserved lead through Carlton Cole, the locals could have been forgiven for dreaming of a memorable night for all the right reasons.

Instead they were treated to 80 minutes of utter dross from Avram Grant’s side, meaning this match will be remembered for all the wrong reasons by all associated with the club, not least if the worst is to happen come May.

The haters of Fulham’s green third kit
It’s frickin awesome, regal even, and those who have spoken out against it are just afraid of it. Because they don’t understand it.

The kitten stealing Prem Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 11:27:00 GMT

With the Rooney saga set to rumble on until most of us are dead, fall-out for six teams in Europe and yet another high-profile Manchester City league encounter, this weekend looks set to be a belter in the English Prem.

It’s not too bad for coverage either, with only three matches not to be found live on radio or television - in your face, 'the good old days'!

Still, with the case most weeks being that 5Live get three matches, TalkSPORT two and Absolute Radio one, you’d think more of the Saturday 3pm fixtures would be shown in the knowledge no one on the TV except Setanta Ireland has them – but no. So we have the big games shoved in our ears as well as our eyes, but nothing on such intriguing tussles as West Brom-Fulham.

That’s not sarcasm, by the way.

SATURDAY

Spurs v Everton (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5Live Radio)

For all the talk over the Toffees’ sticky start to the season – sorry, making puns around their nickname is a force of habit now – they’re still better off than they were at this stage last season, when they ended up finishing fifth.

The worries on this side of Merseyside are also slightly abated with that derby win over a dejected Liverpool, but this trip to White Hart Lane will be a much tougher ask, not least because Marouane Fellaini joins an ever-lengthening injury list. On the plus side, Louis Saha and the criminally underrated Steven Pienaar may play some part – and not as mascots or magic sponge men.

Ledley King remains sidelined for Spurs, but Younes Kaboul could return to defy yet more people who refuse to believe he’s only 24.

What won’t happen: Kaboul’s real age, 64, to be accidentally revealed in the match programme, causing the painting in his attic to crumble into dust

What will happen: Bale put a gloss on Spurs’ nightmare against Inter, but there’s no doubting their defensive deficiencies. They’ll cost them in this game, as Everton take a good score draw

Birmingham v Blackpool (3pm)

It’s been a surprisingly bad start for Birmingham, all piss and vinegar at the season’s commencement and boosted by some excellent signings. Indeed, the only season in which they’ve been slower out of the blocks, in 2005/6, they were relegated. It’s even got so bad that Alixkszndra Hleb has had to reassure fans they’re ‘too good to go down’, which as Leeds, West Ham and Newcastle supporters know, is always a dangerous phrase.

Just one win from eight is a situation that needs to be remedied, especially at home against supposedly weak opposition. But Blackpool are almost at full strength, and have already recorded three away wins this season.

What won’t happen: A fourth

What will happen: A fascinating draw. Again, this isn’t sarcasm

Chelsea v Wolves (3pm, 5Live Radio)

Perennial Chelsea-to-Wolves loanee Michael Mancienne is ineligible to play against mummy and daddy, and with Karl Henry still suspended, Mick McCarthy has been forced to recall 19-year-old Tory namesake David Davis from his loan spell at Walsall.

It’s tough cheese for Walsall: they face Tranmere in an early-season relegation battle this weekend.

Chelsea aren’t looking invincible of late, but should still glide desultorily over Wolves here to potentially move five points clear again at the top. You know in all four Prem meetings with Wolves, one Chelsea player has scored more than once? That’s called a sign.

What won’t happen: The Blues to ever be ruled out of the running for Rooney, even once the ogre-goblin hybrid has signed a new five-year contract at Old Trafford

What will happen: Home win. Sod it, 4-0. It’s the Alan Sugar school of prediction (see West Ham v Newcastle)

Sunderland v Aston Villa (3pm, Absolute Radio)

So far in this Premier League season, there have been success stories and horror stories. Here meet two teams refusing to be pigeonholed into either.

The Black Cats have been typically underwhelming, sitting in 13th, while Villa have been typically solid, despite exit from Europe, a thumping at St James’ Park – against Newcastle, not Exeter – and a change of manager. Given how things could have gone, they’ll be pleased with 8th right now.

They won’t be as pleased that Luke Young will miss three matches with a torn hamstring, or that the BBC’s biggest news story in Birmingham right now seems to be ‘MP’s wife accused of kitten theft’. That just isn’t on.

What won’t happen: ‘MP’s wife accused of unicorn stabbing’

What will happen: To be fair to Sunderland, three of their five consecutive draws have been against traditional Big Four sides, as well as a solid result at Ewood Park. They’re well set to go one better and win this match

West Brom v Fulham (3pm)

Fulham finally had their distinctly unimpressive drawing streak – sorry, unbeaten run – brought to an end by Spurs thanks to some generous refereeing following a harangue from Tom Huddlestone.

The Cottagers still haven’t won in 22 away games in the league, and while this might have been earmarked at the start of the season as a probable three-pointer, the Baggies have been superb this season and genuinely deserve their current standing of sixth place.

Shame it won’t last. Football is a cruel mistress.

What won’t happen: Mark Hughes to win a style war with opposite number Roberto di Matteo

What will happen: Fulham to look less goalshy now Moussa Dembele has returned, but West Brom take another win that could – but won’t – move them as high as third

Wigan v Bolton (3pm)

Bolton, somewhat unbelievably, are seventh in the table, though it’s probably fair to mention they’ve only had two really tough encounters: an impressive 2-2 draw against Manchester United and a 4-1 misery-fest at the Emirates.

Still, they deserve credit, not least for continuing to promote the startlingly impressive Lee Chung-Yong, who scored a great goal in the win against Stoke last week.

What won’t happen: A net-bulging scorcher-fest. Before Bolton won 4-0 in their last meeting, four matches between these two had produced only two goals

What will happen: Away win, with Lee instrumental again

West Ham v Newcastle (5.30pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, TalkSPORT Radio)

The BBC’s celebrity predictions continue with a very confused-looking Alan Sugar offering his thoughts on the games ahead. For a man that seems to know a bit about football, he disguises it very well. In this fixture, he’s firmly settled on an away win before being told he has to offer a score, hesitating briefly then grumping, “Oh... I’m going to say... 3-0?”

It’s not that he’s destined to be wrong – he may very well be right – but the way he’s plucked a scoreline out of the air (or indeed his airse). Doesn’t he realise the intense mathematical analysis, the scouring of the news, expected team sheets and form records, the late nights and early mornings that go into this art of prediction?

Anyway, it’s come up tails so we’re plumping for an away win.

What won’t happen: West Ham have scored at least twice in five of their last home games against the Toon, but it won’t happen this time

What will happen: 0-3 – it’s hard to argue with the self-proclaimed Most Successful Man In The World

SUNDAY

Stoke v Manchester United (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)

Enough has been said on the Rooney issue, by such learned loudmouths as Ian Holloway, Harry Redknapp and everyone ringing into TalkSPORT, that you really don’t any more guff from this blog speculating over a seismic shift in football we all saw coming, and a big-money transfer that probably now isn't going to happen.

What won’t happen: Rooney to move to Stoke. That’s probably a safe bet

What will happen: According to statistics, AND STATISTICS KNOW ALL, the following will all take place: Matthew Etherington will provide an assist (he’s made 50 per cent of Stoke’s goals this season), Manchester United will drop points from a winning position (six already, twice as many as the whole of last season) and the game will end in a draw (United have drawn all four away games in the Prem this season). That all said... away win

Liverpool v Blackburn (3pm, 5Live Radio (1st half only; 2nd half on 5Live Sports Extra))

A solid 0-0 away draw in Europe with a much-depleted team could be interpreted as a good result, but Roy Hodgson seems to be on the rack, having his aged bones stretched and twisted by vulture-like fans. A time for patience? Or does he just not know what he’s doing? This game should give some indication.

The good news is that the Hodgson-hating Rafa obsessive Lucas Leiva – the fake one – is still on Twitter, after a threat to leave that may or may not have been written by a rival hacking into his account. This means @NotLucasLeiva21 is around to sum up this game nicely:

“Not looking forward to Sunday. Bloody Blackburn. Horrible long ball, uninventive, clueless football. And Blackburn.”

What won’t happen: A thrilling display of attacking football from Lucas himself

What will happen: 0-0, and more fan woe for Hodgson. He may not be gone by the end of the month, as many are mooting, but by December seems inevitable

Manchester City v Arsenal (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5Live Radio)

Oh God, that’s all we need. After his display of oure bellendry last time he scored against former club Arsenal, all we need now is more bravado from Emmanuel Adebayor after scoring a hat-trick in midweek. Maybe this time a bottle will hit him. Hope not, though: he’s actually quite a good pundit.

Jack Wilshere is very deservedly suspended after a frankly shocking tackle, but it’s OK, he’s not that sort of player. For Man City, Mario Balotelli seems to have recovered incredibly quickly (he was originally suggested to be out until Christmas), perhaps as a result of that soothing trip to a women’s prison.

What won’t happen: Arguably, more w***ers on a football pitch at any one time

What will happen: Kolo Toure to miss an encounter with his old club through injury, but Adebayor to play and really rile the fans by scoring, then climbing into the stands to rub his excrement in the face of every single one, man, woman and child. Draw

Boo-boy silencers & kitten-kickers

James Maw — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 10:41:00 GMT

The weekend's heroes and villains in the Premier League...

HEROES

Tim Cahill
While it may have come as a slight surprise to see the Australian score with his right boot rather than his noggin, it probably shouldn’t to see him score against Liverpool - this was his fifth goal against the Reds.

Cahill was his usual energetic self in what was, according to Sky Sports, the MOST IMPORTANT FOOTBALL MATCH IN THE WORLD… since the Championship match between Middlesbrough and Leeds 20 hours previously, at least.

The only question mark was over the unusual strapping across his left shoulder visible after the match. Did he celebrate his opening goal with a half-time tattooing?

Roberto Di Matteo
Not for the first time this season, and Di Matteo will be hoping not for the last, West Brom exceeded expectations in picking up what could prove crucial points away from home.

Last time round it was a win at Arsenal, this time a battling draw at Old Trafford which could well have been another shock victory, given how dangerous the Italian’s side looked on the counter-attack in the closing stages with the game level at 2-2.

Their good start has left Di Matteo’s side sixth in the Premier League as we approach the less-regal-sounding-than-halfway quarterway stage, making this their best start to a top flight season since 1983.

But one statistic West Brom will rightly ignore is the one stating that no side has been relegated from the Premier League after as good a start as the Baggies have made this term. They know better than anybody that these little records are there to be broken, having in 2005 shattered the idea that no club bottom at Christmas can survive.

Charles N’Zogbia
There’s no better way to silence the boo-boys on your return to a former club who feel you left somewhat unceremoniously than by sticking the ball in the net. Well, other than sticking the ball in the back of the net twice, which is exactly what Charles N’Zogbia did on his return to St James’ Park.

The irony is that N’Zogbia spent large swathes of the summer pining for a move away from Wigan, and Newcastle fans may wish he’d had his way, for this week at least, with the Frenchman’s first-half double preventing the Magpies from winning at home for the third successive match.

Granted, N’Zogbia’s revenge may have been sweeter had his side managed to hold on for all three points as opposed to just the one, but it was still a decent enough day's work.

David Silva
While the Spaniard’s impact has been far from instant, David Silva displayed his true class at Blackpool on Sunday by scoring what would ultimately prove the winner in an enthralling match.

The 24-year-old showed his control, poise and composure as he weaved between two Blackpool defenders before bending a left-footed shot past a helpless Matt Gilks to put City 3-1 up in a match they eventually won 3-2.

As the old cliché goes, winning when you don’t deserve to is the stuff of champions, although if we see more of Silva at his best that may not be too regular an occurrence.

Blackpool
It’s not often you’ll see a losing team in a league match described as heroes, so apologies if this comes off as patronising, but Blackpool’s cavalier performance at home to one of the Premier League’s financial superpowers was refreshing and compelling, if ultimately fruitless.

A time will come when Ian Holloway's men will need to play ugly in order to eke out points, but in the meantime, the Tangerines are collecting points steadily enough and deserve all the praising being heaped upon them.

VILLAINS

Roy Hodgson
"I refuse to sit here and accept that we were outplayed or in any way inferior." “In the second half we did everything the team could possibly do, we played well.” “From what I saw I thought we dominated the second half.” “I don't think it is a crisis. I thought the way we played today was not the level of a team in the bottom three.”

All quotes attributed to the Liverpool manager following Sunday’s largely feeble showing at Goodison Park, and all evidently said without any hint of irony or crossed fingers.

With panto villains Hicks and Gillett no longer available as scapegoat, Roy really needs to arrest this slump quickly, or the questions will get more frequent and more angry.

Edwin van der Sar
Remember how, when Peter Schmeichel announced he would be leaving Manchester United at the end of the 1998/99 season, his form wobbled and some uncharacteristic gaffes cost United points?

Sir Alex Ferguson will be hoping this season ends up the same way - United went on to win the Treble - although he’ll also be hoping it doesn’t take him six years to find a fully capable replacement as it did last time round...

Van der Sar's hapless performance was in stark contrast to West Brom’s last visit to Old Trafford. United's 5-0 win meant Van der Sar broke the Premier League record for consecutive clean sheets.

No such glory this time for the former Ajax and Juventus man. He spilled a cross to gift the equaliser, but his positioning for the first could also be questioned as Chris Brunt drilled in a free-kick to the near post.

Jack Wilshere
The young scamp’s lunging tackle on GiantSerbNikolaZigic presented Gunners boss Arsene Wenger with a double headache. Not only did it mean his side were down to 10 men for the dying minutes of a closely-fought match, but also that he would need to either a) admit his player was massively in the wrong, or b) claim late tackles are part of the game and look an utter raving hypocrite.

To his credit Wenger did the former – although obviously without anywhere near the same passion he would have done had the boot been embedded into the other foot. Presumably only the fact it happened right under his nose prevented him from just claiming he didn’t see it…

Mike Dean (or Law XI)
It’s not very often one finds oneself disagreeing with Alan Shearer’s analysis (cough). But it’s hard to go along with his suggestion that Tottenham defender William Gallas wasn't ‘active’ when Tom Huddlestone’s 25-yard shot bounced half an inch beyond the Frenchman’s outstretched foot before hitting the back of Mark Schwarzer’s net.

Assistant referee Martin Yarby raised his flag as soon as the ball whistled past Gallas and into the bottom corner, only for Dean to eventually overrule him, evidently on the basis that the former Arsenal man hadn’t made contact with the ball.

Quite how a player inside the six-yard box who makes motion to kick the ball barely four yards in front of the goalkeeper can be described as ‘not active’ is a mystery. The notion that Chris Baird may have played Gallas onside by inadvertently deflecting the ball marginally off course as it sailed through the box is surely lunacy.

Law XI (downloadable here) is a well-meaning but confusing ass. It's laudable to give referees the right to make decisions based on their opinions; this is, after all, the basis of the "common sense" about which pundits bang on (until they switch to "consistency" instead). But it's hard to concur with Mike Dean that Gallas was not "interfering with play OR interfering with an opponent OR gaining an advantage by being in that position".

Jermaine Beckford
Bar the week a certain Premier League player punted a kitten off of a pier into the sea, or any of the weeks Karl Henry has featured, the term ‘villain’ is generally more than a little harsh on this blog’s weekly targets.

That certainly applies to Everton forward Beckford, whose only crime was bounding round the Goodison pitch like an over-eager Jack Russell trying to hump the postman’s leg. But his over-enthusiasm (late challenges, crazy shots/passes, the whole shebang) could have cost the Toffees dear, had he had enough time to pick up a second booking, or Liverpool not been playing so terribly.

The weekend's heroes & villains

James Maw — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 11:23:00 GMT

Rounding up the weekend's Premier League goodies and baddies...

HEROES

Roberto Di Matteo
Two years ago West Bromwich Albion earned plaudits for their persistence in ‘playing the game as it should be played’, even though their inability to mix it physically or be uber-direct ultimately lead to their relegation from the Premier League.

By Di Matteo’s own admission, West Brom’s philosophy is still to attack rather than defend, but this time round the Baggies look to have a little more cutting edge. Last week’s hero Peter Odemwingie is quickly finding his feet – his goal against Arsenal was his third in five Premier League matches – while at the same time also looking harder to play through at the other end. Well, at least since their trip to Chelsea...

Vincent Kompany
Carlos Tevez may have earned the headlines after scoring the only goal of a match Sky rather predictably billed the biggest of the season so far, but it was City’s rearguard action that ultimately proved the most crucial facet of a brilliant win. Central to that superb defensive performance was Belgian bruiser Kompany, who looked both assured in possession and clinical in the challenge.

Kompany, originally signed as a defensive midfielder, has forged an impressive defensive partnership with Kolo Toure, with City conceding just twice in the eight games they’ve played alongside one another so far this term.

City’s defensive frailty was ultimately what cost them a Champions League slot last season. This blossoming partnership could well prove key to a successful qualification this time round.

Robert Green
They say the key to being a top goalkeeper is recovering from your mistakes, and that’s exactly what Rob Green has done, eventually, with a sterling display to keep Spurs at bay at Upton Park.

The England international (let’s give him the benefit of the doubt on that one…) did brilliantly to deny Luka Modric and Rafael van der Vaart in the first half, and will be rightly chuffed with his first Premier League clean sheet since April. A turning point? We’ll have to wait and see.

Darren Bent
Bent scored his seventh and eighth goals in 10 matches against the Premier League’s ‘Big Four’ since joining Sunderland last summer. Those goals have been good for a not unreasonable nine points.

Emile Heskey and Michael Owen
Gerard Houllier has been back in English football less than a week and already two of his most trusted charges from his time at Liverpool have made a semi-miraculous return to goalscoring form.

Both Owen and Heskey scored with late headers to change the result in their team’s favour. Owen flicked past Jussi Jaaskelainen to earn Manchester United a point at Bolton, while Emile Heskey's neck-thrusting power-header past Marcus Hahnemann gave Villa a 2-1 win at Wolves in Houllier’s return to the Premier League.

What next? Nick Barmby to fire Hull back into the Premier League? Robbie Fowler to win Australian football’s Golden Didgeridoo award? Sander Westerveld to… nah, it probably won’t happen.

Kenwyne Jones
The £8 million Stoke forked over to Sunderland may have raised a few eyebrows , but the Trinidad and Tobago striker has now scored four goals in his last four matches to help Stoke out of the early season drop zone and up into 14th.

The big man led the line superbly again at St James’ Park and looks likely to continue to flourish in a team known for their strength from set-pieces.

VILLAINS

Stuart Attwell
Controversy seems to follow Attwell round like teenage girls follow Justin Bieber (on Twitter). While this was no ‘ghost goal’ and you can at least work out how he managed to get this one ‘wrong’, it still seems like the 27-year-old lacks the experience (or perhaps confidence) to make big decisions, or perhaps even go back on decisions already made.

By the letter of the law, it was right that the goal stood. The free kick was taken from the right place, Turner hadn’t been told by Attwell to place the ball any further back and Fernando Torres was the statutory 10 yards away. Yet there was still an element of farce about the whole affair, with Atwell seemingly looking for a way out of awarding the goal by entering prolonged discussions with his linesman.

Steven Gerrard (and Stuart Attwell, again)
The farce which lead to Liverpool’s opener wasn’t Attwell’s only faux-pas. The Warwickshire whistle-blower also failed to send off Gerrard for a blatant forearm smash into the face of Sunderland’s Danny Welbeck.

Interestingly, this wasn’t the first time Attwell has failed to send off the increasingly unpopular Liverpool skipper for flailing a limb into the head of an opponent, having failed to spot a similar offence committed unto Portsmouth’s Michael Brown in March.

Manuel Almunia
You could make a strong argument that it‘s not the Spaniard‘s fault he's not good enough and that Arsene Wenger is the bad guy for not replacing him over the summer, but there really is no legislating for the kind of error that resulted in West Brom’s second goal on Saturday.

You can just about muddle by in the Premier League on limited ability if you work hard and maintain focus and concentration, but Almunia was clearly lacking in those latter two attributes - as well as confidence - as he was unable to prevent Gonzalo Jara’s near-post shot squirming into the net. Nor was there sufficient reason for the 33-year-old to go walkabout when Chris Brunt burst into the box, allowing the ever-improving Ulsterman to square for Jerome Thomas in front of an unguarded net.

Although Almunia saved a first-half penalty, it's the least he could have done after rushing out (no, really) and clumsily hauling down Peter Odemwingie to concede the spot-kick. Arsenal fans are unlikely to be too worried that he faces a short spell on the sidelines with a elbow injury.

James Perch
Having been booked in each of the Magpies' opening five Premier League matches, the Newcastle utility man took it to the next level with a superbly taken bullet-header of an own goal. It gave Stoke a 2-1 win despite the visitors only having 35% possession (not in itself unusual for the Potters, as we told you on Friday) and one shot on target. Nice work if you can get it.

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Pomp, spanking and japery

James Maw — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 13:58:00 GMT

The weekend's heroes and villains from the Premier League…

HEROES

Dimitar Berbatov
Sunday’s win over Liverpool was the day Dimitar Berbatov has been waiting for since moving to Old Trafford just over two years ago. It was the day he finally showed the kind of complete performance he so regularly achieved at Tottenham – and in a match against one of United’s greatest rivals.

If there had been any United fans left unconvinced by the Bulgarian despite his red-hot start to the season, surely all but the most hardened pessimists will now be won over by the languid front man.

Berbatov possesses a first touch to rival that of any other in the Premier League. That combined with his newly rediscovered confidence in front of goal puts him back where he was during his Tottenham pomp as one of English football’s most feared frontmen.

Peter Odemwingie
The Nigerian forward scored his second goal for the Baggies as Roberto di Matteo’s side clinched a vital three points in a derby win over Birmingham. Having lacked a consistent goalscorer in their previous Premier League stints, West Brom may have just found a forward capable of helping them beat the drop this time round.

Also, each goal he scores makes the moronic Lokomotiv Moscow fans who displayed a racist banner following his departure from Russia look and feel even more stupid. Which can only be a good thing.

Hatem Ben Arfa
The France international and five-time Ligue 1 champion nobody has ever heard of, at least according to keen researcher Alan Shearer, made one hell of an impact on his first start in this here Premier League.

Most expected the Magpies to leave Goodison, where Manchester United were so memorably undressed last week, with any more than sore backsides (from a footballing spanking). However, thanks to a superb display and goal from French football’s latest enfant terrible, Chris Hughton’s side now have a respectable seven points from their first five Premier League matches.

Whether or not Ben Arfa will kick up a stink on Tyneside later in the season only time will tell, but if he can be kept motivated this won’t be the last time he wins a match for Newcastle this season.

Darren Bent
A lesson in not losing focus or heart, despite infrequent service. For the second time in two home matches against the team he’s now willing to admit supporting as a nipper, the Sunderland striker scored with his first and only shot of the game in the latter stages. (Thanks to Zonal Marking's Michael Cox for that interesting little stat.)

Alan Hutton
The fact it was a surprise just to see the Scotland international even named among Tottenham’s substitutes is a clear marker of how far his metaphorical star has fallen since his January 2008 move to the Lane. In fact, had youngster Kyle Walker not been out on loan at QPR, Hutton may have been even further down the pecking order.

But a first-half injury to Younes Kaboul gave the buccaneering former Rangers right-back the chance to prove his worth – and that’s exactly what he did. Hutton's valiant run led to the penalty from which Rafael van der Vaart levelled the match, before forcing the error which led to his first goal for for the club.

It’s easy to forget, or not realise, that Hutton is still only 25 and should have his best years ahead of him. Perhaps given Vedran Corluka’s less than commanding performances in these early stages of the season he has a chance to have a pretty good one at Tottenham.

VILLAINS

Arsene Wenger
To the hilarity of Arsenal fans, the Professor is famed for fielding questions about questionable decisions in the Gunners' favour by claiming "I did not see it”. Perhaps his hearing is a bit squiffy too, because it seems he didn’t catch Sunderland’s stadium announcer explain that there would be a MINIMUM of four minutes' added time at the end of the match.

It’s not like Sunderland’s late, late equaliser came two minutes beyond the four-minute mark, it was a mere 14 seconds - a period in which Wenger's team managed to cram in some notably shoddy defending.

After shoving fourth official Martin Atkinson in the back, Wenger reportedly exclaimed that "If you have a watch, you can control time.” You’re thinking of Bernard’s Watch, mate…

Marouane Fellaini
One of Fellaini’s favourite hobbies is collecting yellow cards. He's got one from most Premier League grounds - 20 from his first two seasons in England. Impressive stuff.

Despite being booked so regularly, Fellaini is yet to receive his marching orders, which is all the more surprising given he attempted to decapitate Newcastle’s Mike Williamson with his elbow on Saturday afternoon.

But justice was done, in a funny way - literally - as the be-afroed Belgian blasted wide in the dying stages when it had looked easier to find the net, and Newcastle held out to seal the win.

Lee Bowyer
The Birmingham midfielder was forced to apologise to a West Brom fan after getting involved in a heated exchange with her following his substitution at the Hawthorns on Saturday. Swearing at a grandmother in front of her seven-year-old grandson isn’t great form, although by Lee Bowyer’s standards it was something of a career highpoint.

El Hadji Diouf
A bit of textbook Dioufian japery lead to Blackburn’s opener against Fulham, as the Senegalese pantomime villain barged into Cottagers keeper Mark Schwarzer with absolutely no intention of challenging for the ball. But...

Mark Schwarzer
...for someone tipping the scales at 14 stone 7, the Australian did seem to go to ground a bit easily following Diouf’s shove. Some (including Sam Allardyce) would also claim the Cottagers' custodian was lucky to be on the pitch after a fingertip save outside the area. Ewood's not the easiest place for a visiting goalkeeper but Schwarzer rarely looked comfortable, with crosses causing chaos and punts prompting pandemonium.

With deputy David Stockdale impressing earlier in the season as Schwarzer looked Arsenal-bound, Mark Hughes might drop the Aussie. Fortunately for Fulham these errors went unpunished by either the referee or Blackburn’s strikers… Diouf was probably too busy letting the air out of the tyres of the visitors' team bus.

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The whinge-o-meter cranking Prem preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 12:46:00 GMT

Pfft, plus ca change, eh? Only four games into the new season and already the top four is made up of Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United and...uh...Blackpool.

Next year's FIFA and PES covers are going to look a bit weird at this rate. Gary Taylor-Fletcher posing athletically with Lionel Messi? Yes please!

SATURDAY

Stoke v West Ham (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5Live Radio)

Up until the dying stages of the Stoke-Villa game on Monday, this fixture looked destined to be bravo-two-zero, with both teams on nil points.

So it's a good thing for Stoke they won in such dramatic fashion against a semi-rudderless Villa (Gerard Houllier will take over after their match against Bolton), not least because they'll carry some momentum into this should-win/must-win/try-not-to-balls-it-up-if-you-can home match.

And, it must be said, Tony Pulis deserves a lot of credit. This blog is so far removed from being his biggest fan it could be facing several libel cases by winter, but arriving at half-time after mourning the passing of his mother, then inspiring his team to a last-gasp victory, is Roy of the Rovers stuff. Fair play to the man.

Right, that's it, reasonableness over. Stoke are still boring swines who are going to be relegated this season.

What won’t happen: Pulis decides the 'turning up at half-time' approach is obviously a good idea and does it again, but to the opposite effect as Stoke blow a 4-0 lead

What will happen: A dour, dour game gives West Ham their first point

Aston Villa v Bolton (3pm)

Kevin MacDonald is on a hiding to nothing here: thought by many Villa fans to have dithered over taking the job on a permanent basis and plunging the club into further uncertainty, he now signs off with a final game in charge that he really should win – any other result and he'll be even more unpopular.

Not that he's sulking much; just considering a move to another club after being "very disappointed" to lose out to Houllier. You'll be missed, Kevin, I'm sure.

What won’t happen: Bolton's last three visits to Villa Park have resulted in them taking a pounding, but even with the optimism in the dressing room over Houllier's imminent arrival, the margin shouldn't be more than a goal or two

What will happen: 2-1

Blackburn v Fulham (3pm)

Mark Hughes takes on one of his many former clubs in the hope of continuing Fulham's unbeaten run (which sounds so much better than 'winless', now they've ended a run of three straight draws thanks to a late Moussa Dembele winner against Wolves).

What a player he is. Dembele had a big fan here before the brace against Wolves – now it's close to shrine status.

Good thing for Fulham, too, given they will be without Bobby Zamora until February. Damien Duff should recover in time to play, though, and Carlos Salcido, who is absolutely terrifying when he smiles, may make his debut at left-back.

What won’t happen: Zamora to watch a replay of his injury on his TV, he claims - so no Sky Sports News over the next few months for him then

What will happen: Draw

Everton v Newcastle (3pm, 5Live Radio)

It’s Sol Campbell's birthday on Saturday (it’s also Wolves' Kevin Doyle's – guess who's older). I'm sure Sol will celebrate with a giant cake.

The hulking, skulking, permanently sulking centre back played his third game for the reserves against Chelsea on Thursday, defending against the likes of Milan Lalkovic and Jacopo Sala (Chelsea won 3-2).

That Campbell is still not yet match-fit is pathetic. It's a sorry state of affairs, really, that a player who has so regularly screwed over clubs should make so little effort to be fit for his new one.

What won’t happen: Newcastle, who haven't won in the seven visits they've made to Goodison since David Moyes took over there, bring the noise and romp to victory

What will happen: 2-1

Spurs v Wolves (3pm, Absolute Radio)

"We're not dirty," drawls Mick McCarthy in his wonderful/horrible (delete according to taste) Yorkshire brogue. A red card and 13 yellows in two league games would suggest otherwise, but as McCarthy bizarrely pleads, "I've watched the game twice now, and my concern is there wasn't a bad tackle at Fulham."

Concern? Is that really the right word, Mick?

A wobbly Tottenham, seemingly playing alternate good and bad halves at the moment, may have their own concerns about playing the team who did an unlikely double over them last season, but a bigger worry is that Rafa van der Vaart, looking impressive already, is a doubt for this game with a calf injury.

An even bigger worry must be Benoit Assou-Ekotto, who managed to clear the ball backwards to concede a throw then leave a free header for Werder Bremen's first goal. It's extraordinary how the tube-loving, football-hating Cameroonian can be brilliant one moment, appalling the next, and it must make 'Arry wonder: is it worth losing Gareth Bale's ingenuity on the left-wing to put him at full-back for the extra security?

It's a debate that splits Spurs fans down the middle like an opposition attack when Assou-Ekotto has gone walkies again.

What won’t happen: Another Wolves away win, surely

What will happen: A draw instead

West Brom v Birmingham (3pm)

One of the many Midlands derbies this season presents the Baggies with a good chance to build on their ‘shock’ draw with Tottenham. The return of Graham Dorrans will boost their spirits.

So too will their impressive defensive record post-Chelsea (two goals conceded in four games, including matches against Spurs and Liverpool) and the fact that Birmingham are likely to be missing Jean Beausejour and Kevin Phillips, who is recovering from an injury he sustained 13 years ago. That leaves the Blues with Cameron when-is-he-going-to-come-good Jerome, who has had the most shots in the league this season without scoring a goal.

What won’t happen: Jerome gets off the mark

What will happen: Jerome adds to the shots tally, and West Brom earn a draw

Sunderland v Arsenal (5.30pm, ESPN & ESPN HD, TalkSPORT Radio)

Arsene Wenger's cranked up the dial on the whinge-o-meter this week, complaining steps should be taken to protect his players (cod liver oil might be a start).

Sam Allardyce is the man who has opposed the Frenchman's statement, saying, in as many words, "Balls to that."

More accurately, the Blackburn boss has accused Wenger of using the media to manipulate referees and, to the sound of cheers from the stalls and applause from anyone on the receiving end of a Patrick Vieira tackle, reminded Wenger that Arsenal were the worst culprits for fouling back in the day when they, y'know, won things.

Allardyce or Wenger...who to choose...this blog’s going with Big Sam, because he’s right.

Luckily for Wenger's wince glands, Lee Cattermole won't be playing in this game – he's suspended. A few statistics for you Cattermole fans out there:

22 – years of age
4 – Premier League goals
5 – Premier League red cards

And that's not to mention the fact that both his red cards in the three games he's started so far this season were due to double bookings, and both in the first half. So that's four yellow cards in less than 90 minutes of football. Well done.

What won’t happen: Cattermole, who has oddly conceded only five fouls for those four yellow cards, to be captain by the end of the season

What will happen: Arsenal dominate and run out clear winners

SUNDAY

Manchester United v Liverpool (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)

This is the big game of the weekend, and it's a big test for Roy Hodgson, whose Reds have made a stuttering start to the season.

On the plus side, they played a very good second half against Steaua Bucharest and this is the end of a nightmare opening handful of fixtures that's already seen them have to face Arsenal and Manchester City, and travel to St Andrews.

Perhaps top of their list of priorities will be to keep everyone injury-free – something Manchester United, already frustrated by a disciplined Rangers in midweek, wouldn't mind either following that horrific injury to Antonio Valencia. Good of The Sun to blow that up to A4 size and show it on the back page, by the way.

It was good of five, too, to provide a quiz teaser in their Europa League coverage in case it was a dull game, which they must have expected after Joe Cole scored in the first 30 seconds. Anything to distract from the horror prospect of Jim Rosenthal and Stan Collymore together in a studio.

What won’t happen: The Rosenthal and Collymore nightmares to go away any time soon.

What will happen: Both teams struggle to find rhythm, and it's a draw

Wigan v Manchester City (3pm, 5Live Radio)

The Latics’ home record against City is surprisingly good: won three, drawn two, scored 12. It would be one hell of an achievement if they managed to extend that unbeaten run.

It’s pretty pointless mentioning who City are missing through injury, as their squad is so big (you can see it from space, you know) that they will almost always have someone of similar talent to fill the gap. So with Balotelli, Kolarov and Michael Johnson out, Tevez, Lescott and Milner are all as assured of games as you can be at Manchester City.

What won’t happen: Any of Tevez, Lescott and Milner to play now

What will happen: Away win

Chelsea v Blackpool (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5Live Radio (second half only))

A groveling apology: last week this blog arbitrarily dismissed Matt Gilks, a man who almost retired from football not that long ago, as not being good enough for the Premier League.

Against Newcastle, he provided the best retaliation by playing a blinder. No hesitation here in admitting a bad, and lazy, call.

Now if you really want to impress us, Matt, keep a clean sheet here. At Stamford Bridge. Against a team averaging more than four goals a game. Go on. You can do it.

What won’t happen: Gilks to keep a clean sheet. Nothing personal, like

What will happen: Chances are Sky chose to air this fixture in hope of a 12-0 drubbing or suchlike, but Blackpool deserve their current standing of fourth. Still a home win to nil though.

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Will debt end England's Euro 'golden era'?

FourFourTwo Team — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 10:09:00 GMT

With the Champions League group stages getting underway this week, FourFourTwo regular Richard Edwards ponders whether UEFA's tough new stance on club debt could end England's 'golden era' in Europe's elite competition

He may have a girl’s name but Michel Platini is taking a muscular approach to the thorny twin-problems of debt and foreign ownership.

With Spurs (yes Spurs) and Manchester United already having began their Champions League campaigns last night, and Arsenal and Chelsea kicking off this evening, there’s every sign that the Frenchman's big push against Europe’s most debt-ridden clubs could have a serious impact on the English clubs for whom the continent’s biggest competition has become a second home.

United and Chelsea fans will not need reminding that last season’s Champions League represented the first time in seven years that no English clubs had appeared in the last four of the tournament and one sage analyst believes that the days when at least one of the Premier League’s ‘big four’ could saunter into the latter stages of the competition, cigar and cocktail in hand, could be at an end.

Simon Chadwick is a professor of sport business strategy and marketing at Coventry University, and is a man whose words pack a punch when it comes to looking at the rather more serious aspects of the beautiful game - a sort of Arsene Wenger of the academic world.

As such his words of warning should reverberate around the corridors of power at the Premier League and the boardrooms of the English clubs consistently dining at Europe’s top table. 
Under the new rules clubs will only be able to spend what they earn, which may represent a victory for common sense, but could signal defeat for those clubs who have built up hugely expensive squads and equally impressive debts.

The legislation would also prevent owners such as Chelsea’s Roman Abramovich pumping massive sums into clubs to buy players or fund exorbitant wages, although it wouldn’t preclude them from ploughing money into building stadiums or financing youth academies.

The new rules will come into effect in 2012 and will be phased in over a six-year period, by which time English clubs might find themselves playing a furious game of catch-up. 

"People have repeatedly said that the Premier League is the best league in the world but as in any other industry, football is an industry of booms and busts," Chadwick tells FFT.  

"We have an incredibly affluent Premier League that’s unrecognisable from the old First Division of 20 years ago.

"I think there is going to be a period of austerity because the Premier League couldn’t just keep on getting bigger and stronger."

Despite goings-on at Manchester City, the recent activity, or lack of it, during the transfer windows appears to suggest that the clubs who operate in the real world are taking the same approach to economic management as George Osborne and his Tory and Lib Dem cronies, with deficit cutting far more of a priority than splashing the cash.

Mesut Ozil’s move to Real Madrid, instead of Manchester United this summer, once again indicated that La Liga is Europe’s top dog, while Germany’s Bundesliga is now held up as an example for the rest of Europe to follow.

"English and Spanish clubs are definitely more susceptible to falling foul of these new regulations and clearly the level of debt that any club is carrying is going to attract UEFA’s attention,î says Chadwick. 

"Equally any clubs that have been taken over or might be taken over by rich business people who are prepared to spend a lot of money are also going to be open to scrutiny. 

"English clubs are far more open to this kind of takeover than those on the continent."

Clearly the likes of Barcelona, Bayern Munich and even the notoriously Champions League shy Real Madrid won’t be queuing up to take on the likes of United, Chelsea, Arsenal (and maybe even Spurs) this season but by the time Platini’s dream comes to fruition the Champions League could be a very different place.

 So make the most of any progress made by English clubs this time around – because it might not last.

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Keepers, clangers & bath tiles

James Maw — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 10:28:00 GMT

The weekend's heroes and villains from the Premier League...

HEROES

Matthew Gilks
Far from being everybody’s b*tch, Blackpool have made a solid start to their debut Premier League season, securing seven points and making the popular pre-season theory that they may break the Premier League points record look very silly indeed.

Key to their triumph at St James’ Park on Saturday was the goalkeeping display of Gilks, who superbly denied Joey Barton, Peter Lovenkrands and Andy Carroll to frustrate the home team, not to mention the home crowd.

The newly Scottishised 28-year-old will face many even busier afternoons than Saturday between now and May, but with two away clean sheets already, this may not be the last time he causes moans and groans from opposition fans this season. Not bad for a player who two years ago had to get first team football by going on loan to League Two Shrewsbury.

Pepe Reina
Gilks wasn’t the only top flight gloveman excelling on the road this weekend. Having endured a fairly inauspicious start to the season, Barça-shirt-wielding maniac Pepe Reina recovered to almost single-handedly (not literally, even he isn't that good) earn the Reds a point at St Andrew's.

A string of fine, acrobatic saves, particularly in the first half denied Birmingham the win they probably deserved, and with compatriot Fernando Torres clearly lacking sharpness at the other end, Reina may be required to put in more performances such as this for Roy Hodgson’s side to pick up points at what they would consider an acceptable rate.

Scott Dann and Roger Johnson
Having said Torres lacks sharpness, it’s worth mentioning that Brum’s defensive duo were once again in imperious form to keep the Anfield side - and Torres at particular - at bay.

Sunday’s draw extended Birmingham’s unbeaten home record to 18 in all competitions, during which time Alex McLeish’s side have conceded just 10 goals. With England centre-backs currently dropping like flies, an international call-up for one or other of the Blues duo may well be a possibility in the coming months.

Tim Cahill
What was perhaps most puzzling about Everton’s amazing 3-3 draw with Manchester United was that the Toffees managed to score three times without a single striker on the pitch for the entire game, especially considering United had five recognised defenders in their number.

Cahill was, as usual, the embodiment of the never-say-die spirit in David Moyes’ side, and started upfront alongside Marouane Fellaini - hardly the archetypal little and large strike partnership, but Everton’s problems were largely at the other end (we’ll come back to that in a bit).

Paul Robinson
While some felt his international retirement may have smacked of sour grapes, the Rovers keeper has rediscovered his top form over the last 12 months. It’s just a shame it took him so long to recover from the high-profile mistakes he made for club and country in 2007/08.

Inevitable, then, that Robinson put in an all but faultless display at Eastlands while current golden boy and England No.1 Joe Hart conceded thanks to one of the most bizarre rushes of blood to the head to ever grace the Premier League.

Naturally, it would be madness to suggest Robinson should replace Hart as England’s main man, but a continuation of this form could see Fabio Capello consider trying to coax another stubborn sort back out of international retirement.

Asamoah Gyan
If you're the record signing of your new club, and your transfer dragged out to the dying minutes of the transfer window, causing your new manager and chairman no little stress, it's advisable to be prompt in making an impact. Well done to Asamoah Gyan, then, for convincing Steve Bruce and Niall Quinn that months of wrangling and haggling were worthwhile, with a brilliantly taken debut goal at Wigan.

A word too for Jordan Henderson, who teed up the Ghanaian with a superb cross from deep on the right and put in a performance so impressive that team-mate Darren Bent wondered aloud whether he would Sunderland's next England call-up.

Tomas Rosicky
The midfielder has been involved in all four of the Gunners’ matches so far this season - starting in both of Arsene Wenger’s side’s empathic home wins. Sadly, you worry that with his and Arsenal’s injury record, it’s probably due to go wrong any time now.

Arsenal completed 463 passes in Saturday’s 4-1 win over Bolton, 296 more than the Trotters could manage. This long-range, outside-of-the-boot defence-splitter from the Czech ace was quite possibly the best.

VILLAINS

Lee Cattermole
There can’t be a man alive with more knowledge of the tiling of Premier League changing rooms. Not because he used to work part-time at Wickes to make ends meet when he was at Wigan (it was actually B&Q), but because he presumably regularly spends extended periods of Saturday afternoons staring at them.

You can tell you need to calm down a bit when Steve Bruce winces as you tackle. A second early bath of the season means that Cattermole, who had been tipped to progress from England U21 to full honours, is currently looking more likely to be forced to retire thanks to shrivelled-up feet – too long in the bath, you see...

Karl Henry
While the Wolves midfielder’s tackle on Bobby Zamora wasn’t as aggressive and clearly intentional as some of the tough love he was doling out to Joey Barton two weeks back, it was still pretty reckless.

The 27-year-old threw himself in at a ridiculous angle from which he could never realistically expect to win the ball, at least not without taking a substantial chunk of Zamora with him, given his momentum.

Clint Dempsey was among the Fulham players who felt Wolves had been slightly over-zealous in the tackle throughout the match, with Henry claiming the American had accused him of going out to 'do’ Zamora. With Barton’s bruises probably still blue, Henry then had the cheek to claim that he “would never go out to hurt anyone.”

Prediction: Arsene Wenger to quite reasonably bring this all up the week before Arsenal play Wolves.

Manchester United and Everton defenders
It would be very Hansenesque to focus on the negatives of such a compelling match, so we’ll keep our advice brief.
Things to do: Put some kind of pressure on opposition players adept at crossing the ball when they’re in acres of space in a wide position in the final third.
Things not to do: Attempt at overhead kick in your own half that, should you fail to pull it off, will see an opponent through on goal. Or go careering up the pitch in an attempt to win a loose ball you’ve got no chance of making, only to leave your defensive partner sat 30 yards behind with no cover, playing the world and his wife onside.

Robert Green & Matthew Upson
This really feels like kicking two men while they’re down, down, down, but it’s impossible to overlook the slapstick japery which lead to Chelsea’s second goal at Upton Park. Green’s fumble from a tame Didier Drogba free-kick was only half-cleared by a stumbling Upson. Half-cleared, that is, straight onto the head of Salomon Kalou and then straight back over Green’s head and into the net.

Frederic Piquionne & Mauro Boselli
Yes, that’s right, West Ham again - but also Wigan, so it’s not bullying. Three weeks back we were blessed with a double header of amazing misses, the likes of which it was hard to imagine being surpassed in the Big League this season. That was until Piquionne and Boselli both managed to miss the target with headers practically underneath the crossbar, possibly directly underneath in Piquionne’s case.

The one saving grace for the Frenchman is that he was offside anyway, although it won’t have filled West Ham’s fans with much confidence for the coming season. It could be a long one.

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Heroes & Villains: A tale of two Joes

James Maw — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 07:30:00 GMT

We take a look at the best and the worst of the action from the opening round of Premier League matches (bar the one that hasn't been played yet, obviously...)

Heroes of Round 1

Joe Hart, Manchester City

Hooray, pip and huzzah - an Englishman who is actually capable of this goalkeeping lark. Shay Given looked helplessly on as the rookie stopper denied Spurs their traditional three point ‘haul’ against the men from Eastlands, giving credence to Roberto Mancini’s decision to drop the Irishman.

His trio of brilliant saves from Defoe, Huddlestone and Assou-Ekotto showed the kind of quick reflexes, tidy footwork and great athleticism required to keep goal at the very highest level. But Match of the Day commentator Jonathan Pearce’s assertion that Hart was “surely England’s No.1 for many years to come” is probably still a tad premature. Have we not been here before (see Scott Carson, Robert Green and Chris Kirland in the villains section…)?

Didier Drogba, Chelsea

According to the Ivorian, he’s now fully fit for the first time in the six years he’s been playing in England, having undergone groin surgery over the summer. Pre-surgery Premier League goalscoring record: one goal every 1.976 games; Post-surgery Premier League goalscoring record: three goals every one game. You can’t argue with the stats…some of the pre-surgery games may not have been against West Brom, though.

Marc Albrighton, Aston Villa

James who? Oh, James Milner - the bloke who scored Villa’s third goal, was the club’s Player of the Year last season and is subject of ongoing interest from Manchester City...

Well, anyway, Albrighton will go a long way to appeasing Villa’s presumably concerned fans if he can continue to put in the kind of energetic and dynamic display that saw him take all the plaudits after Saturday’s timely win.

The 20-year-old winger was a nuisance on both flanks, was involved in Villa’s first two goals and teed up the first for Milner to slot home. Not bad for a first Premier League start.

Samir Nasri, Arsenal

With Cesc Fabregas missing, albeit only through illness for the time being, the French playmaker really stepped up to the plate at Anfield, and was constantly involved as the Gunners looked largely in control of proceedings, despite trailing for most of the second half.

Nasri completed more passes than any other player on the pitch, and also showed some nimble footwork and a willingness to take on defenders when one or two of those around him (mentioning no names - Andre Arshavin) didn’t look too keen to get involved.

Marlon Harewood, Blackpool

Considering he‘s generally considered a low-rent Emile Heskey, right down to his sorrowful, doe-eyed and slightly perplexed expression - some might think Harewood has done well just to find a Premier League club to pay his wages for 12 months.

Granted, Stan Mortensen, Stanley Matthews or Jimmy Armfield he aint, but two goals and an assist in the first 45 minutes of the Seasiders’ Premier League debut will probably secure his place in the club’s folklore for time immemorial.

Ian Holloway, Blackpool

Oh, don’t pretend you’re not happy for him! He worked a near miracle in getting Blackpool promoted and deserves to be taken seriously as a manager, rather than as a wacky sideshow to the ‘serious business’ of the Premier League.

Perhaps unexpectedly understated in the wake of his team’s victory, Holloway made it clear that there is a long way to go before they can even begin to ponder safety. Arsenal away next week is likely to be a much sterner test.

Mark Halsey, Referee (Wigan v Blackpool)

With football losing Exeter’s Adam Stansfield to cancer this week, referee Mark Halsey’s return to the game after a prolonged fight with the same disease was both welcome and timely.

Ian Holloway probably put it best: "To me, this [football] is not stress, this is not pressure, this is not anything. I'm lucky to do it. And I keep stressing that to my players. They are privileged to be on that grass and if I can keep their feet on the ground then anything is possible. What have we got to moan about? Mark's challenges are real. They are totally and utterly real and as long as I can keep [the players] focused on that, that is more important than anything. I'm delighted for him because that's what real struggle is. Realising you might not be here soon and needing treatment to make you better – that is real."

Villains of Round 1

Joe Cole, Liverpool

Many expected Cole to make an immediate impact at Anfield, although few could have expected that impact to be on Laurent Koscielny‘s shin.

“He’s not that kind of player” testified anybody within mumbling distance of a microphone, defending the England midfielder against non-existent accusations of malice.

In any case, it’s irrelevant. It was reckless and poorly timed and Martin Atkinson made the right call, despite Liverpool fans’ protestations.

Lee Cattermole, Sunderland

There’s a semi-popular theory that, if he can keep playing regular Premier League football, Cattermole will be an England player sooner rather than later. Well his red card against Birmingham - his fourth in his last 53 Premier League outings - will deny him of at least 135 minutes of the stuff.

His unpunished elbow on Garry O’Conner in the early stages left the Scotsman needing half his skull glued back on, before a petulant tug on Cameron Jerome and rash challenge on Lee Bowyer saw the Sunderland scrapper deservedly sent to the naughty step to think about what he’d done.

Sadly, the problem with Cattermole is that thinking is something he doesn’t do enough of…

Stephen Carr, Birmingham City

If you rock up to the Stadium of Light as a former Newcastle United player, you know you’re going to be in for a rough time of it, but the Irish right back couldn’t have imagined what a torrid afternoon he’d have.

The former Spurs man clumsily brought down Frazer Campbell to hand Sunderland an early penalty - despatched by Darren Bent - before scoring a not entirely un-hilarious own goal, looping a 20-yard header back over the top of his own keeper, Ben Foster.

Carr’s calamitous double saw him become only the second player in the last seven seasons to score an own goal and concede a penalty in the same Premier League match - Kamil Zayatte was the other against Everton last season (thanks to OptaJoe for that one!).

(Most) Premier League goalkeepers

This was honestly easier than listing them all individually. Bar one or two exceptions (most notably Joe Hart, as mentioned above), it was a rotten weekend for the league’s net tenders.

Scott Carson, Chris Kirkland, Manuel Almunia, Robert Green and perhaps most surprisingly Tim Howard and Pepe Reina were all culpable for goals conceded by their respective teams over the weekend. Must be the altitude, or something…

Howard let the ball squirm out of his arms like a bar of soap in the shower (calm down, that’s not where this is going…), with Blackburn’s Nikola Kalanic reacting quickest to poke home.

His Merseyside rival’s error was even more bizarre, with Reina seemingly collecting a Marouane Chamakh header via the crossbar, only to bundle it over the line himself under the power of his own steam. The word ‘karma’ has been used heavily by Arsenal fans still seething from the little Spaniard’s Cesc Fabregas/Barca shirt shenanigans. Although presumably not before the word ‘lol’.

Jamie Redknapp, Sky Sports

This could fast become a common theme in this blog.

The tight-trousered tyke was quick to warn any over-expectant Liverpool fans that Roy Hodgson literally isn’t a miracle worker, and literally won’t be able to quickly alleviate the gloom at Anfield overnight.

Fair enough, you might think, except Redknapp literally went on to literally explain that “Roy won’t have worked with top players before.”

This is the same Roy Hodgson who literally managed the likes of Javier Zanetti, Ivan Zamorano and Youri Djorkaeff during his two years in charge of Inter.

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New season, new magazine!

FourFourTwo Team — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 12:41:00 GMT

The 2010/11 season is underway, and as ever FourFourTwo is here to help you get your head round it all, with the September issue out now…

It being the start of the season and all, there seems no better time for us to unleash our fabled Season Preview supplement. Each of the 104 teams in the Premier League, Football League and SPL are analysed by a fan, a club legend and us. It also features all the key dates and fixtures for your club, as well as loads of statistics and odds from our friends at Paddy Power.

Unlike some other publications, we aren’t on a permanent downer about football - we ruddy love it! Therefore we give you 78 reasons this season will be great, including Harry Redknapp (and Spurs) in the Champions League, Rafa’s quest to outdo Jose at Inter, Everton’s new pink strip, oodles of new imports to the Premier League and St Pauli’s return to the Bundesliga.

But it’s not all fun and games, of course. The brilliant David Conn examines the mess Hicks and Gillett have made at Liverpool and tries to work out what could happen next - could they be the new Leeds?

We also chew the fat with some of the big-hitters at Manchester City, with manager Roberto Mancini, keeper Shay Given, winger Adam Johnson and front man Emmanuel Adebayor all exclusively sharing their views on the coming campaign.

Former Arsenal and France hero Robert Pires answers your questions – Bobby tell us why he nearly packed in football at 15, what was going through his and Thierry Henry’s minds when they took that penalty against Man City, and how it felt to be hauled off after 18 minutes of the Champions League final.

But wait, there’s more – we assess England’s 2018 World Cup bid, welcome Stevenage to the Football League, meet football’s Facebook stalker and try and work out why so many top managers didn't reach anywhere near the same highs as players.

And as if that wasn’t enough, we also have exclusive interviews with… David Elleray, Keith Wood, Jay Emmanuel-Thomas, Charlie Nicholas, Harry Redknapp, Jack Rodwell, Javier Hernandez, Gareth Bale, Marouane Chamakh, Slash, Danny Wilson, Lord Coe, Ian Broudie, Lawrence Dallaglio, Steve Cram, Ricky Hatton, Sharron Davies, David Ginola, Howard Wilkinson, Ian Holloway, Norman Hunter, Andrew Cole, Jasper Carrot, Laurent Blanc, Marco Materazzi, Kevin Keegan and Jamie Redknapp.

Ooh, that sounds so good I'd like to subscribe please

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The Neighbours-watching, dead-rubbering, Mourinho-insulting Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 10:29:00 GMT

The dream continues for Fulham; the nightmare continues for Liverpool.

Yet another overcoming of the odds has given Roy Hodgson’s men a bona fide European final. In fact, their dream has lasted so long now – their first game in this Europa League campaign was exactly nine months ago – that it’s more like the dreams of a coma patient. But in a good way.

As for Liverpool, well…it was never going to be a good season but this is the final kick in the delicate parts that sees a once proud club keel over in the gutter spewing bile.

But for the neutrals, Atletico Madrid’s victory was a perfect result. Apart from Liverpool fans and passionate Anglophiles, no one really wanted to see a Fulham-Liverpool final: the Cottagers have earned the right to some exotic fixtures and playing a team they see twice a year anyway would have been a bit of a let-down. Especially since Sod’s Law says they’d have lost.

And so Fulham will take on the might of Atletico for the chance of a first major title EVER. It’s enough to make the plots of Aussie bastion of quality Neighbours, not at all on in the background at the time of writing, seem realistic.

All in all, simultaneously watching Fulham-Hamburg and the leaders’ debate while also monitoring Liverpool-Atletico and tweeting more than 120 times on all three has made the Thursday evening that sees this blog begin to take shape a little bit – hang on, Karl Kennedy seems to be having a heart attack....

Saturday

Birmingham vs Burnley

Well, some relegation battle that ended up being.

The problem with this stage of the season is that you get quite a few dead rubbers. Sure, the title race is very close and the battle for the final Champions League place is exciting for a change, but three teams being officially relegated (well, unless Hull win both their games 6-0 and West Ham lose both theirs by the same margin) means there are some pretty pointless games ahead.

Here’s one. Burnley are relegated; Birmingham are 10 points adrift of eighth and three points ahead of closest rivals Sunderland and Blackburn, who play Manchester United and Arsenal this weekend.

Basically, they’ve finished ninth – and fair play to them. But it does mean this game loses a bit of edge.

What won’t happen: A full-strength encounter. Clarke Carlisle and Chris McCann are unlikely to feature for the visitors; Scott Dann and Stephen Carr will be missing for the Blues

What will happen: Carr probably will be brought to rights by the West Midlands Police for making an offensive gesture at Aston Villa fans, because it’s obviously a very important crime that they should spend their valuable time investigating.

Manchester City vs Aston Villa

Massive game, this, and one that Spurs fans will have mixed feelings about. They certainly don’t want to see City win but a Villa victory could be just as damaging, and even a draw could put Spurs temporarily sixth. If it’s possible for both teams to take zero points from the game, now’s the time.

City will be boosted by the emergency loan arrival of Márton Fülöp, though the Hungarian has the worst save ratio (56%) of all goalkeepers to have played at least five Premier League games this season.

This must be a strange league loophole: yes, you can have an emergency ‘keeper EVEN THOUGH IT IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR but only if you have statistically the worst one in the league.

It’s a touch harsh on Faroe Islands international Gunnar Nielsen, at any rate. He has an 100% clean sheet record for goodness sake...!

Cue a series of blinding saves from the Hungarian.

What won’t happen: Martin O’Neill’s blood pressure won’t be lowered by this decision. He’s already expressed his annoyance

What will happen: Home win demolishes Villa’s hopes of fourth

Portsmouth vs Wolves

Another dead rubber does at least present Mick McCarthy’s side with the chance of scoring some damned goals.

Sylvan Ebanks-Blake’s successful strike against Blackburn last week was Wolves’ first in five games, taking their home tally to 11 goals in 18 games. Crikey. Lou Bega was more prolific.

So, how do you evaluate the seasons for these two teams? For Wolves, it’s been a quiet triumph: survival for the first time in a Premier League season.

Portsmouth…well, there it gets a little complicated. Even just looking at their success on the pitch gives a tale of two halves: in one, an FA Cup final and in the other, the reminder they’d still be bottom even if they hadn’t been deducted points.

What won’t happen: Wolves, fined £25,000 earlier this season for fielding a weakened team, have asked the Premier League to clarify its extremely muddy and inconsistent rules on team selection. Good luck with that

What will happen: Wolves fail to improve next season and find themselves right in the relegation mixer. Sorry…

Stoke vs Everton

It’s been such a good season for Stoke that it would be a shame for them to finish as low as 13th now. You imagine Tony Pulis would feel the same way, were it not for the fact he’s currently trying to stop a civil war in his dressing room. Well, not his dressing room. The players’ dressing room. Unless…never mind.

In the way all skilled media managers do, Pulis reacted to reports of player unrest not by dismissing them as untrue or calling the affair an internal matter, but angrily demanding, “Who told you that?”

The Welshman seemed surprised that the media found out about Abby Faye and Glenn Whelan’s bust-up – despite the obvious conclusion that it’s simply too good a story not to share – and has announced himself “desperately disappointed” that he doesn’t know who is responsible for the leak, although the 7-0 defeat at Stamford Bridge would suggest it’s probably his defence.

Oh, and Whelan: Pick your battles.

Actually, don’t: it would be amazing for stories such as this to keep coming just so we can read the very official-sounding statements of Stoke’s backroom staff in The Guardian.

“The Irishman reiterated that he had been unimpressed with the Senegalese’s attitude before the game and in training, and Faye responded by, in the words of a club source, ‘belting him in the face’.”

What won’t happen: Pulis engages in some more naked wrestling with his players. Ugh, that mental image has just come flooding back

What will happen: More rumours to fly around like Tony’s tackle in a shower room grapple. Argh, mental image! Mental image!

Spurs vs Bolton

Tottenham’s destiny is in their own hands now, which is why they’ll lose this match 2-0.

What won’t happen: Ledley King’s legs to fall off to make Fabio Capello’s selection job a little easier

What will happen: 0-2. Seriously

Sunday

Fulham vs West Ham

It’s apt these two should play each other: un-shut-up-able West Ham co-owner David Gold recently admitted it was wrong to complain about Fulham fielding a weakened line-up against the Hammers’ erstwhile relegation rivals, Hull, last month.

Oddly, this admission comes only now Hull are relegated anyway and West Ham are safe. Huh. Probably a coincidence.

Now Fulham and West Ham meet, and it’d be nice for the Cottagers to win just to shut Gold up, really. He’s like Prince Philip without the old-fashioned British reserve.

Oh, and Fulham won quite an important game midweek, or something.

What won’t happen: A Three Stooges remake featuring Gold, Sullivan and Zola, even though it clearly should

What will happen: Let’s face it: neither team gives two hoots about this game, do they? Away win low on entertainment and high on futility

Liverpool vs Chelsea

It’s been a long time since Sky Sports would have been worried about the BBC taking their viewers, but Championship relegation play-off Crystal Palace-Sheffield Wednesday on BBC1 is massive (it’s certainly what your correspondent will be watching, in a flagrant disregard of his Premier League blogging duties).

It’s a good thing the snooker sessions are either side of this match at Anfield: the BBC would be taking Sky’s viewers wholesale. After all, it’s not like this match really means anything, is it?

Balls. Although once upon a time – last season, in fact – Liverpool vs Chelsea in the penultimate game of the season could be a title play-off, it’s now a mere title decider, with the Reds envious onlookers.

There are even rumours that Liverpool will effectively down tools to stop arch-rivals United winning the league but that’s rubbish.

Besides, it’s not like they even have to try: their squad is weak enough to lose without intention. Against Atletico they had to play Babel up front and replaced goalscorers Alberto Aquilani – yes, he really scored – and Yossi Benayoun with Nabil El Zhar and Daniel Pacheco.

All right, stop laughing.

What won’t happen: Liverpool deliberately throw it (though they do lose)

What will happen: A deflated Benitez wanders off within the year, blaming a lack of transfer funds. Just to remind: perma-sub Aquilani was bought for £17 million and Rafa refused to pay £8m for Dani Alves but three years later bought Glen Johnson for £18m. Lack of funds, football’s collective *rse.

Sunderland vs Manchester United

Sunderland actually have an aim as this season ends: they could finish in the top half of the Premier League for the first time in nine years.

Darren ’25 goals in my first season’ Bent has to take some of the praise for their achievement this season, although the BBC’s comparisons between him and the likes of Brian Clough and Len Shackleton may be a little premature.

With a win, Steve Bruce could ruin his hero Sir Alex Ferguson’s chances of a twelfth Premier League title, but will he want to do that? Of course – your current club comes first and those heady days at Manchester United were a long time ago now. A long, long time ago…

What won’t happen: Wayne Rooney won’t celebrate his two PFA and Football Writers’ Association Player of the Year awards with a hat-trick, because he’s DEAD...or injured, or something. He’ll probably be fine.

What will happen: Away win

Monday

Blackburn vs Arsenal

It’s England’s very own Inter Milan versus Barcelona! Guess which team is which.

What won’t happen: Harsher words on Jose Mourinho in any Barcelona-favouring newspaper. There are insults and there are insults, but comparing him to Big Sam, well

What will happen: Blackburn 0, Arsenal 2. In red cards: Blackburn 2, Arsenal 1

Wigan vs Hull

Strangely, this deadest of dead rubbers could actually provide some real entertainment. Here you have two teams who struggle to defend and who are both keen to beat relatively poor opposition and finish the season on a high.

Expect some ambitious but ultimately inept attacking play.

What won’t happen: Roberto Martinez to be awarded Manager of the Year, with Iain ‘Three home defeats including 4-1 to Burnley’ Dowie taking Manager of the Month

What will happen: Wigan 7, Hull 6 (that’s the score, not the attendance) Put your house on this.

The knee-sliding, road-tripping, ape-confusing Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 09:30:00 GMT

The BBC has tried to name their own 23-man World Cup squad by unveiling THE LARGEST COVERAGE TEAM EVER.

Joining the merry band of Gary Lineker, Mark Lawrenson, Mark Bright, Lee Dixon, Mick McCarthy (argh), Alan Shearer (ARGH), Alan Hansen, Martin Keown and Colin Murray – not forgetting the radio team of Graham Taylor, Chris Waddle, Robbie Savage, David Moyes and Danny Mills – will be four new faces.

First up, Gordon Strachan: an excellent acquisition. Then Jurgen Klinsmann (good), Clarence Seedorf (good) and Emmanuel Adebayor (good God).

Seriously, Adebayor as a pundit? And there we were thinking not having to put up with the knee—sliding fool’s mood swings for a month or so was an advantage of Togo not qualifying.

Saturday

Arsenal vs Manchester City

Speaking of Adebayor, the recently-retired-from-international-football striker has been told by the FA to “show more intelligence” when he returns to the Emirates this weekend.

Amazingly, they’re not talking about his play on the ball.

Meanwhile, Roberto Mancini has shown an impressive lack of knowledge of his team’s heritage, pointing towards a potential Top Five next season and calling this year's run-in "the most important in the club's history."

Uh...they have won titles, Roberto. Two top-tier league titles, four FA Cups and a European Cup Winners' Cup, to be precise. The older fans won't be happy to suggest finishing fourth, some 15 points off the top, would be the club's biggest achievement.

What Won’t Happen: Adebayor runs the length of the pitch after scoring to celebrate in front of the people who once paid his wages and treated him as one of their own, then stamps on his old team mate. Come on, no one is that much of a ‘character’...

What Will Happen: Ade does lose the plot a bit, but City take home an important point

Bolton vs Portsmouth

Upon hearing Portsmouth's debts are now £120 million – it sounds a lot but remember that's only what Real Madrid paid for Cristiano Ronaldo and half again – this blog decided to take a quick look at their finances.

That you can simply download a form documenting every individual debt, signed by Andrew Andronikou's hand, is extraordinary. It's almost as surreal as seeing perfectly normal debts within. You get used to seeing a football club as an otherworldly entity – then you see they owe money to their landlady, bank and Sky TV, just like the rest of us.

Not to mention £308.50 in ‘ransom payments'. What the hell is that about?

Still, the one that intrigues this blog most is that in all this openness and truth-telling, with every penny pored over with a fine-tooth comb, there remains £21.50 filed under ‘Miscellaneous'.

£21.50. They really might as well just say what it is. But they haven't, which suggests there's something there they don't want us to know…hmm. Interesting.

What Won’t Happen: It turns out said £21.50 was infact money spent by Peter Storrie on magic beans.

What Will Happen: Bolton put themselves mathematically safe

Hull vs Sunderland

As mentioned before by Hull chairman Adam Pearson, the Tigers’ finances are in quite a stunning state of disarray.

Pearson has again blamed former chairman Paul Duffen for creating a ‘doomsday scenario’, gambling on Hull staying up to also stay financially afloat.

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. This blog spies another Portsmouth on the horizon.

It’s still nothing compared to their goal difference though. Their minus 40 haul – worse than Burnley, who have conceded more goals away from home than any Premier League team before them – means finishing level on points just isn't an option.

A win here is absolutely vital, and they also have to hope West Ham slip up at home to erstwhile relegation battlers Wigan.

What Won’t Happen: A team battling relegation shows some economic sense?

What Will Happen: Hull record one of the most important results of their two Premier League seasons to delay the inevitable

Manchester United vs Spurs

After amazing results against Arsenal and Chelsea, can Spurs do it again? If not, they've basically handed the title to United. And let this blog say it again: United will win the title.

If that is the case, Paddy Power are going to regret paying out already on Chelsea to win the title. If the Blues don't lift that trophy, the Irish bookmakers stand to lose around half a million. Ouch.

What Won’t Happen: The run-up to a big match passes without United being linked with signing their opponents’ most in-form player by Fergie’s chums in the press.

What Will Happen: A great game but no, Spurs can't do it again. They do nab a draw though

West Ham vs Wigan

This, right now, is West Ham's chance to practically guarantee safety.

If they win this and Hull lose to Sunderland, it'll take tsunamis and 20-nil defeats to send them down, such is the Tigers' woeful goal difference. If they win this and Hull win too, they're still looking pretty safe.

But remembering their far from impressive performance against Liverpool – it just won't erase from memory, damn it – it's unlikely they're going to put on a master class here.

Wigan have to cope with the recent news about Charles N'Zogbia, which will basically entail them trying not to double over laughing. King N'Zog was arrested over allegations someone else filled in the written part of his driving test. Rock. And. Roll.

What's going on? First El-Hadji Diouf is caught driving without insurance and now this. Where have all the drunk-driving-150-mph-in-a-cul-de-sac speeding footballers gone?

(This blog does not endorse driving dangerously).

N'Zogbia could, let's not forget, still play for England. He's eligible. He's also eligible for France, of course, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

If Capello spurns him, France could do a lot worse – and what's stopping him giving the Africa Cup of Nations a go? Lomana LuaLua plays for Congo DR, as does West Ham's Hérita Ilunga and, uh, Serge Makofo of Rhyl FC.

But what about Congo DR’s Shabani Nonda? Remember him? The 33-year-old ex-Blackburn player is currently a free agent after being released by Galatasaray. Here are some stats: 38 goals in 91 games for Gala, 57 in 115 for AS Monaco before that and 32 international goals in just 49 matches. That's really not bad.

It's amazing West Ham haven't added him to their legion of slow, ageing strikers.

What Won’t Happen: It’s been said before, but what won't happen is a longer non-preview than that this season

What Will Happen: Away win

Wolves vs Blackburn

This blog happens to like Wolves (Mick McCarthy's commentary career aside), but you can't say they’re staying up with style.

Three goalless draws in four games – the other was a 1-0 defeat to Arsenal – has seen them claw towards the finish line and safety like a legless (not drunk, you understand) man in a warzone. It's not been pretty, but it's done the trick.

Still, after four games without a goal, the Molineux faithful are in serious danger of collective suicide. Their beloved club's last match against Fulham set a Premier League record for fewest shots on target: one. And that was in the 89th minute. Talk about patience – that level of boredom is enough to make a grown man cry.

What Won’t Happen: Well, this isn't exactly going to be a thriller either, is it?

What Will Happen: Oh God, it really is going to be another 0-0

Sunday

Aston Villa vs Birmingham

This is a big derby for Villa; less so for Brum, with nothing to play for but pride. Expect an unusually quiet game.

Unrelated Shoehorned-in European Observation of the Week: Ajax's defence in the Dutch league is mental. That's 17 home games now and four goals conceded. Their goal difference is +83. EIGHTY-THREE.

It's a wonder visiting teams turn up.

What Won’t Happen: Unrelated Shoehorned-In European Observation of the Week to be back next week

What Will Happen: Brum play with the fire in their bellies that's been lacking of late, but Villa's charge for fourth remains on course

Burnley vs Liverpool

It's a bit of a dull relegation run-in now, which is such a shame after it looked like it was going to be so close. But no: Burnley and Hull are almost certainly down d-down down.

A loss in this match virtually rules out a Clarets survival; indeed, if they lose and West Ham win, Burnley are mathematically relegated. And that's the worst kind of relegation.

On the contrary, Liverpool are starting to have a few things go their way. The lack of any Premier League presence in the Champions League semi-finals means the Reds' absence from the knockouts goes down as a part of a collective English failure and not one specific to Merseyside – Rafa is now some kind of pioneer.

And Portsmouth being denied a Europa League place next season means that every one of the four teams challenging for a Champions League spot will at least play in Europe next year – and if Liverpool have a run as good as this year, that's not a disaster.

Reasons to be cheerful? Well, they just lost 1-0 to Atletico Madrid. Make up your own mind.

What Won’t Happen: Burnley's survival starts here

What Will Happen: A tired Liverpool limp to victory

Chelsea vs Stoke

There's no John Terry for Chelsea, but that's not actually much of a loss. He was bloody dreadful against Tottenham; like a confused, naked ape blundering around a garden maze.

When he looked stunned after each booking, it wasn't with the referee but his own catastrophic performance.

So Terry's absence is possibly the good news for Chelsea; the bad news is that John Obi Mikel is a doubt (well, we knew that already) and so is Didier Drogba. Unhappy times.

What Won’t Happen: Anyone to notice how weak England's central defence is. Rio 'n' Terry aren't rock solid any more and Upson doesn't look up to it. Michael Richard Dawson, this is your time

What Will Happen: Chelsea stutter to a draw. It begins...

Everton vs Fulham

It'd be a big surprise if Fulham don't arrive at Goodison Park absolutely cream crackered. Their 58th game of the season comes three days after a match in Germany that involved an epic non-flying journey.

Kudos to the fans who made it: long way to go for no goals.

Zamora limping off was bad news for the Cottagers, and Dempsey played about half an hour longer than they would have liked.

Everton are injury-free for this match, Fellaini obviously aside. The Belgian might not make pre-season, which spells disaster for the club shop's summer sale of comedy afros, perhaps David Moyes should sign Leo Sayer?

What Won’t Happen: Fulham have drawn their last three matches 0-0 but they'll concede here

What Will Happen: The home team has won 16 of the last 17 Premier League fixtures between these two. Good enough for us. Home win

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The soberly realistic, utterly depressed midweek Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 10:33:00 GMT

The past few days have brought introspection for many a Premier League manager, and a surprising number are opting for sober realism/cold defeatism (delete as appropriate).

First, there's Rafa Benitez, who admitted, with utter misery in his voice, "The difference [between Liverpool and 4th] is maybe too much now."

Then there's Alex Ferguson, never usually one to say die until the 98th minute, who has said: "It has slipped away from us."

But is it just typical mind games from the Scot? He went on to say: "We have a lifeline if Chelsea blow it. But to my eyes they have an easy game against Bolton on Tuesday. We would expect them to win that and it will put them four points clear."

Not only does that put pressure on Chelsea to win, it fires up Bolton. Mind games may be the sign of a man on the defensive, but some are most dangerous when they're in a corner.

Despite what Ferguson is seemingly saying, this title race is not over.

Tuesday

Chelsea vs Bolton

Bolton will probably be fired up by Fergie's comments, but it may not be enough. Even with Chelsea resting key players, the Blues should have enough firepower here.

On similar lines, what an utterly depressing FA Cup season this is turning out to be.

In the last 14 seasons, Portsmouth in 2008 was the only time a Big Four team missed out on the title. This year, it looked different. Liverpool and Manchester United out in the Third Round; Arsenal out in the Fourth. Even top four wannabes Manchester City and Everton were out by the fifth. This could be the year the big boys' dominance over the alleged fairytale cup was ended.

And who's in the final? Chelsea. Again. And they’re likely to see off Portsmouth too. Onward, onward marches the relentless surge of predictable cup winners.

In this game, Bolton...oh, who cares, we're too depressed.

What won't happen: Top-tier English football to ever be exciting again

What will happen: Rubbish! Of course English football can be exciting again – look at the battle for the title this year, between, uh, Chelsea...Manchester United...and Arsenal. Hmm. Home win

Wednesday

Aston Villa vs Everton

Many were expecting this game to be a battle for seventh and seventh alone, but Liverpool's slack 'n' sloppy slump 'n' slide sees Villa slowly slithering into slontention.

Sluddenly – sorry, suddenly – Villa have a great chance of bypassing the Reds. Two points behind with two games in hand and an easy run-in? Bosh. The charge for fourth may be over (O'Neill's charges are eight points behind Man City) but sixth and potentially fifth for a Europa League spot are well up for grabs.

Which would leave Liverpool in seventh. Now that really would be a season to forget.

What won't happen: This could be a great game. It won't be

What will happen: A third consecutive disappointing draw for Everton leaves Villa just as frustrated.

Spurs vs Arsenal

Norf Lahndan derbies simply don't get bigger than this. For Arsenal, this is possibly the last chance to stay in the title hunt, overtaking Manchester United if they win. For Spurs, this is the biggest league game since Lasagnegate at West Ham.

The big news for Arsenal is that Robin Van Persie might make a surprise return after five months out. The big news for Spurs is that their entire season could be over in the space of four days. Pompey fans looking for an FA Cup Final ticket might want to scout around eBay for 'DejectedAsEver', and 'WhyBother_91'.

But here, over 90 minutes, Spurs can stop their season hitting the titters and keep on Man City's tail. Can they pull an absolutely massive result out of the bag? This cartoonist says no (and furthermore, he's glad your dog died)

What won't happen: This is the first of Tottenham's trio of nightmare fixtures: Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United. Can they take at least two crucial wins from these three games? Do bears buy bog roll?

What will happen: There's a very predictable pattern in relation to Spurs results: whatever this blog predicts, the opposite happens. So, predicting a draw here – does that mean it'll be a thumping win either way?

Wigan vs Portsmouth

Hull's defeat to Burnley must have had Latics fans dancing in the streets, doing the Wigan Jive.

A win would have put Hull just one point behind Martinez's men; as it is, both they and Burnley are four points adrift, with Wigan waving happily from the shore. Three points here could wrap up safety, albeit with flimsy, three-year old Christmas paper that falls apart with the slightest tug.

And these are crazy times for Pompey, officially relegated from the Premier League but just as officially in the FA Cup Final for the second time in three years.

How do you react to such opposing fortunes? It's like being kicked in the gut but then, as you go down gasping for air, having £50 notes shoved in your mouth. On which you choke. And die. But you're brought back to life 20 minutes later by the love of your life. Who leaves you. But you win the lottery and celebrate with a hotel room full of beautiful hookers. On whom you then choke. And die. Happy.

Look, the point is it's a time of mixed emotions, all right? It's a tragedy when bad things happen to good metaphors.

What won't happen: This may be why no one is publishing this blog's novel, The Mystery of the Slightly Rusted Metal Drainpipe

What will happen: It depends entirely on whether Portsmouth turn up – the happy heroes of Wembley or the hungover heroes of Wembley. This blog expects the latter. Home win

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