FourFourTwo's Inside Track : Liverpool

Heroes & Villains: Calamity, consistency, Campbell and Carroll

James Maw — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 12:45:00 GMT

The (elongated) EPL weekend's goodies and baddies, evaluated by James Maw

RESULTS Sat 11 Dec Aston Villa 2-1 West Bromwich Albion, Everton 0-0 Wigan Athletic, Fulham 0-0 Sunderland, Stoke City 0-1 Blackpool, West Ham United 1-3 Manchester City, Newcastle United 3-1 Liverpool Sun 12 Dec Bolton Wanderers 2-1 Blackburn Rovers, Wolverhampton Wanderers 1-0 Birmingham City, Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Chelsea Mon 13 Dec Manchester United 1-0 Arsenal

HEROES

Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic
With Wayne Rooney yet to start firing and Dimitar Berbatov running hot and cold like your bathroom tap when the boiler is knackered (mental note: ring landlord about broken boiler), it’s all the more important that Manchester United’s daring defensive duo a) actually manage to string a few games together without losing body parts, and b) recapture the old magic of 2006-2009 and make United’s backline largely impenetrable.

Fortunately for Sir Alex Ferguson & Co. that's slowly and surely what has happened, with the pair both starting all of United’s last 10 Premier League matches, during which time the Red Devils have conceded eight goals – comparing favourably to the nine in seven conceded before their reunion at Stoke just under two months ago.

In this period the Old Trafford side have gone from ‘crisis club’ to league leaders by two clear points with a game in hand – although that rise has coincided with Chelsea’s own calamitous spell.

On Monday evening, Ferdinand and Vidic kept the intricate attacking force of Arsenal at arms' length for the majority of the match, once again reaffirming the notion that they are the Premier League’s best defensive pairing. Consistency is now the key, and the next test is perhaps the biggest of all at Stamford Bridge; another solid performance could see United take a massive step towards the title before Santa has even popped down the chimney.

Joey Barton
Maturity and cool-headedness. Not characteristics one would traditionally associate with Joey Barton, but those were the attributes the Newcastle midfielder generally displayed during a match in which it would have been easy for he and his team-mates to shirk their responsibilities and hide behind ‘the occasion’.

Barton capped a superb performance by reacting quickest to Andy Carroll’s ball into the penalty area, maintaining his composure and firing past Pepe Reina to put Newcastle back in front as the game approached its climax.

The only black mark came when he appeared to make an unsavoury gesture towards Fernando Torres, although that was in the face of quite severe provocation from the Spaniard and Lucas Leiva, who for some reason appeared hell-bent on blaming Barton for David N’Gog being elbowed by his own teammate…

Yaya Toure
It’s important to highlight the brilliance of Manchester City’s performance at Upton Park, which was to some extent overshadowed by the petulance of Mario Balotelli and the apparent discontent of Carlos Tevez, and Toure the younger was head and shoulders above everybody else on the park – and was also Man of the Match (just a little height joke for you there – Happy Christmas).

Toure set City on their way to a fifth away win of the league campaign with a perfectly struck shot from the edge of the penalty area, having been teed up by David Silva. He also forced the second goal, barging his way through the West Ham box from a tight angle and blasting the ball into the net via the back of poor old Robert Green’s head.

But the goals were only the start of his input. There was also a lot of what we had been expecting from him when he arrived from Barcelona in the summer – strong, athletic, simple and direct midfield play, while some of his team-mates appear to be more interested in having public tantrums, Toure is a key cog in a steadily improving City machine. And with the Ivorian able to find the net with such new-found ease, do Manchester City even need Carlos Tevez? Yes. Yes, they do.

Didier Drogba
Sure, he may have missed a penalty and sure, he may have handled before the goal he actually did score, but there can be no doubting that the introduction of Didier Drogba at the interval of Chelsea’s derby clash at Tottenham was the game-changing moment. The Ivorian looked some way towards being back to his best, imposing himself of Tottenham’s defenders and regularly dropping deep to get his hands dirty in the midfield melee, albeit to mixed success.

The aforementioned rejuvenation of Manchester United’s first-choice central defenders will require Drogba to up his recovery another notch next Sunday if the champions are to gain a vital win.

Marc Albrighton
A member of the Twitterati on Saturday night questioned whether the Aston Villa youngster was already the best crosser in the Premier League. At first this may seem a bit spurious, but on current form, it’s actually hard to argue there are too many, if any, players in the Sky-league getting quality deliveries into the box from wide areas on as consistent a basis.

The winger was at it again on Saturday, whipping a dangerous cross into the West Brom area that was knocked in at the back post by Stewart Downing after a near-post flick from Ashley Young. It’s hard to imagine he won’t be involved in Fabio Capello’s next England squad for the friendly against Denmark in February, fitness permitting.

DJ Campbell
Campbell’s goal sealed an amazing fourth away win in 10 road-trips for Blackpool – encouragingly for the Tangerines, five teams who avoided the drop last season won away on fewer occasions.

Also, a word for what is rapidly becoming one of the most divine minimalist-moustaches in world football. Proof, if it were needed, that size doesn’t count for everything.

VILLAINS

Arsenal
As has quite often proven to be the case over the course of this season, the label ‘villains’ is a trifle harsh here, but there were certainly very few ‘heroes’ on display in the Gunners’ side at Old Trafford last night, bar perhaps ‘rookie stopper’ Wojciech Szczesny.

On a night when Arsene Wenger’s side were supposed to prove their worth in the title race, the North Londoners failed to ever really impose themselves on the match, failing to create clear cut chances and often struggling to even retain possession – two criticisms that haven’t often been aimed at the Emirates Stadium side this season.

Heurelho Gomes
It’s not often you’ll see a goalkeeper who has saved a penalty to help win his team a point against the champions among our ‘baddies', but there is probably no player in the Premier League quite as adept at flip-flopping between heroism and villainy as Tottenham’s Brazilian shot-sometimes-stopper.

Speaking after a match in which he failed to deal with a shot hit straight at him, albeit it very powerfully, and conceded an injury-time penalty, the former PSV keeper proclaimed that Spurs conceded too many goals to keep up with the likes of Chelsea and Manchester United, which is sort of like Ronald McDonald complaining that kids these days are too fat.

Mario Balotelli
His childish, foot-stomping reaction to not getting his way with either referee or manager may have been slightly overplayed by some sections of the media, but still doesn’t do much to quell suggestions the Italian is a bit of an enfant terrible.

Lucas Leiva
Over the past three years, mocking Lucas has been as fashionable as zoot suits were whenever zoot suits were fashionable. However, the upturn in his performance levels over the past 12 months has been markedly steep – which really served to highlight the inadequacy of his performance at St James’ Park.

On a night when tensions were high and feathers rufflable, Liverpool’s defensive midfielder failed to get into the faces of his opponents, bar the one occasion when he really shouldn’t have.

With David N’Gog caught by team-mate Sotirios Kyrgiakos and, unbeknownst to Barton, left bleeding on the floor, play continued until Lucas saw fit to front up to the ever-popular Barton, presumably assuming the former Man City man must’ve done something wrong "because he always does" – but not this time.

Fortunately (for everybody bar Liverpool), Lucas reverted to type in backing off and backing off again as Andy Carroll shaped up to stroke home Newcastle’s third from 25 yards. Not the best day’s work, all things told...

Ryan Nelson
When you’re getting tied in knots in the penalty area by the generally rather agricultural Fabrice Muamba, you know you’ve got problems...

Heroes & Villains: Henchmen, stamps and Danny Dyer

James Maw — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 15:37:00 GMT

After a record-breakingly goaltastic Premier League weekend, James Maw sorts the wheat from the chuff...

RESULTS Sat 27 Nov Aston Villa 2-4 Arsenal, Bolton Wanderers 2-2 Blackpool, Everton 1-4 West Bromwich Albion, Fulham 1-1 Birmingham City, Manchester United 7-1 Blackburn Rovers, Stoke City 1-1 Manchester City, West Ham United 3-1 Wigan Athletic, Wolverhampton Wanderers 3-2 Sunderland Sun 28 Nov Newcastle United 1-1 Chelsea, Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 Liverpool

HEROES

Dimitar Berbatov
Nothing sums up Dimitar Berbatov’s Manchester United career better than the last few weeks. During barren run of 10 goalless matches, very little came off bar a few flicks and flashes which ultimately led to nothing; then, just as his detractors were starting to write him off, an utterly scintillating performance where everything seemed to click.

While it’s fair to say Berbatov’s partnership with Wayne Rooney has yet to develop in the way many had envisaged when the Bulgarian arrived at Old Trafford just over two years ago, it's surely telling that his reappearance on the scoresheet coincided with Rooney’s return to regular action: the last time Rooney started two successive games Berbatov scored a hat-trick against Liverpool.

Marouane Chamakh
He may have frustrated the Gunners faithful with his ponderous play in the final third against Spurs last weekend, but the Moroccan’s performance as Arsenal returned to winning ways at Aston Villa was far more efficient and ultimately decisive.

After neatly prodding home Arsenal’s third just as the visitors were starting to look nervous about protecting their lead, Chamakh had the presence of mind to dink a square pass to the unmarked Jack Wilshere to nod home Arsenal’s fourth, when many strikers would have gone for goal themselves.

Scott Parker
Where would West Ham be without their captain marvel? Well, literally and figuratively speaking they’d be in the same place – East London and bottom of the Premier League – but without him they’d be further adrift. From the rest of the Premier League, not London.

The former Chelsea and Newcastle midfielder lead by example once again as Avram Grant’s side beat fellow strugglers Wigan in a match the club's marketing department named ‘Save Our Season’.

The 30-year-old scored his fifth goal of the season and ran the midfield as the East Londoners clinched only their second league win of the season. But with Harry Redknapp’s tracksuited henchman Joe Jordan watching from the stands, perhaps the Hammers will have to fend off their neighbours once again in January.

Mick McCarthy
Can a manager have a more satisfying experience than seeing one of his substitutes pop up and score a crucial goal? Perhaps seeing two of your substitutes pop up and score crucial goals – and then winning.

Credit to Mick McCarthy, then, for throwing Stephen Hunt and Sylvain Ebanks-Blake into the fray at the right time against Sunderland on Saturday – albeit that Hunt actually entered the game with Wolves winning, only for the Molineuxistas to fall behind before benefited from the tracksuit-shedding duo’s divine intervention. With matches against Birmingham, Blackburn and Wigan all on the horizon, now would certainly be a good time to put a little run together.

Chris Brunt
Two words: postage stamp. That is, of course, the cliche used to describe a shot that travels perfectly into the top corner - exactly where the goalkeeper can’t get it. This is exactly where West Brom wide-man Chris Brunt bent his 30-yard free-kick past a helpless Tim Howard. First class (no signature required).

VILLAINS

Paul Konchesky
The left-back’s contribution to one of Liverpool’s better away performances this season won’t be remembered favourably. Aaron Lennon may be quick, but that’s really no excuse for letting the Spurs winger sail past him with such ease in the dying seconds of the game. If nothing else he could have just hauled down the nippy Yorkshire whippet in the box, safe in the knowledge Spurs would’ve missed the resulting spot-kick.

You have to wonder exactly how much worse things would have been for Konchesky had Lennon seen more of the ball throughout Sunday’s match at White Hart Lane – particularly with the former Fulham full-back booked in the first half hour of the game and Lennon being exactly the kind of player you don’t want to be facing for an hour under a yellow card.

With everybody fit, Liverpool really aren’t too far off the quality of the top five – but Konchesky is one player that will certainly need to be replaced if the Reds are to compete with the Premier League’s best.

Alex & Petr Cech
If there’s any justice in this cruel, cruel world of ours, there’ll still be time to re-edit Danny Dyer’s Pwoppa Nawty Football Banta – the DVD on the lists of every WKD-supping, Tim Lovejoy-worshipping ‘Jack the lad’ this Christmas – and include "these two maaaaaaags makin a wite pwoppa dog’s dinner of it".

‘It’ being another avoidable goal, the Brazilian overhitting his back-pass to his keeper, Cech failing to read the pass and stumbling as it rolled heavily past him, giving Andy Carroll the chance to pounce and put Newcastle ahead.

Mauro Boselli
A vital relegation clash is no time for a record signing to produce a pathetic penalty. The Wigan striker's spot-kick was saved by Robert Green, although Robson Green could have got to it (Jerome Wotsit would probably have gone the wrong way, the clot). Things didn’t really improve from that point for the Argentinian; he even caused a second Wigan goal to be disallowed by loitering in an offside position as Steve Gohouri prodded home. Linesman Martin Yarby flagged despite Boselli not being active. Not strictly his fault, but it summed up his day nonetheless.

Pascal Chimbonda
Blackburn's trip to Manchester United represented a bit of a Spurs old boys' get-together, with Dimitar Berbatov, Pascal Chimbonda and Paul Robinson doubtless sharing a pre-game laugh about the days the former would score a hatful while the latter pair would haplessly watch goal after goal sail past at the other end. The longjohn-wearing Guadeloupite got so much into the spirit of the occasion, he even played a crisp, pin-point 20-yard through-ball to Berbatov, which the Bulgarian promptly blasted past the increasingly concerned-looking Robinson.

Gonzalo Jara, Mikel Arteta, Steven Pienaar, Lee Mason, David Moyes and Tim Cahill
They say two wrongs don’t make a right, and Everton have learned the hard way that five wrongs don’t have a positive effect either.

A cavalcade of concerning conduct and crunching challenges began when West Brom’s Gonzalo Jara appeared to enter into an 'aerial duel' with Toffees left-back Leighton Baines leading with an errant elbow; referee Lee Mason merrily waved play on. Steven Pienaar then attempted to barge the Chilean over; referee Lee Mason merrily waved play on. As the ball ran loose, Mikel Arteta steamed in on innocent bystander Chris Brunt; referee Lee Mason merrily waved play on. Jara then in turn steamed in on Arteta; referee Lee Mason merrily waved play on. The Spaniard retaliated by stamping on the clearly riled Jara; referee Lee Mason merrily waved pla… sorry, force of habit.

It was at this point that Mason finally opted to stop the game, eventually doling out a red card to Arteta and leaving the rest of us perplexed as to why he didn’t stop the whole ugly affair much sooner. But it didn’t stop there. Tim Cahill later raked his boot down the back of Jara’s leg in what looked a premeditated act of vengeance, before David Moyes refused to criticise Arteta’s stamp, ‘reasoning’ that had Jara’s initial challenge on Baines been punished, the whole affair wouldn’t have escalated.

Kevin Davies, Saloman Kalou, Maxi Rodriguez and Jermaine Beckford
These four players, all of which play for clubs who failed to win on Matchday 15, were all guilty of missing utter sitters. Of the quartet, perhaps the most rueful looking was Maxi Rodriguez, who failed to even get a proper shot away having been played in by Fernando Torres against Spurs at White Hart Lane on Sunday. That’s not to say the other three should be completely let off the hook.

Davies dawdled and subsequently failed to hit the target under pressure having got his feet all tangled – not literally, that would be horrible. Kalou opted to shoot with his stronger right foot from a narrow angle when his left foot looked much the better option. Beckford, following his glaring late miss in Monday’s draw at Sunderland, volleyed across goal and well wide when a Premier League striker really should at least test the goalkeeper. Which begs the question: is Beckford a Premier League striker?

The uncharacteristically brief, 17 syllable Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 11:48:00 GMT

Although we always appreciate the multitudes of you who lend us your time to read our ramblings (we say 'lend', you aint getting it back), there have been complaints, mainly from the magical pixies round the back of the website that upload it, that this Premier League preview blog, frankly, goes on a bit.

So for one week only – promise – the previews will be reduced to 17 syllables, in haiku form.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

SATURDAY

Aston Villa v Arsenal (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5 Live Radio)

Tale of two Fabs: Cesc
Hammyknack; Almunia
Not Fabianski?

What won’t happen: A red card: though games involving Arsenal games have produced more reds this season than any other team (eight), Villa spectators haven’t seen one (except on the telly)

What will happen: Fabianski to keep his place in an away win despite return of Collins and Carew for Villa

Bolton v Blackpool (3pm)

Wow – Bolton are good!
But ‘Pool love the North: wins at
Wigan, Toon, Anfield.

What won’t happen: Bolton to let up their amazing run

What will happen: Charlie Adam to score from outside the box: he’s had 26 shots from that distance already. Home win

Everton v West Brom (3pm)

No Baggies win at
Goodison since ‘70s
And Brunt out too. Ouch.

What won’t happen: An exciting high-tempo game between these two out of form teams

What will happen: This haiku thing to get really old really quickly (sorry, but in the words of the sadly departed Magnus Magnusson, we’ve started so we’ll finish). Bore draw

Fulham v Birmingham (3pm)

Few injury woes
For either side, but Fulham
Hardly the form team.

What won’t happen: Lee Bowyer to score again. Ever.

What will happen: Fulham struggle to bounce back from last week’s thrashing but claim an important draw against an improving Birmingham

Manchester United v Blackburn (3pm, 2nd half only on 5 Live Radio, full commentary on 5 Live Sports Extra)

Man United not
On the telly? Surely not.
Who watches Roo now?

What won’t happen: Blackburn, looking so poor until recently, make it four wins from five

What will happen: United do the job with little fuss

Stoke v Manchester City (3pm, Absolute Radio Extra)

What? Man City not
On the telly? Surely not.
Two such graceful teams!

What won’t happen: Stoke’s new proposal to the Premier League to be implemented: just count the second half. They’d be top

What will happen: The grumbling around Mancini to die down a touch after another good away win

West Ham v Wigan (3pm)

Victor Obinna
Shot Count: 47. Goal
Count: big fat zero.

What won’t happen: Golazooooo! This pair have the two lowest shots-to-goals ratio of any team in the league this season. Cows arses need not fear banjo players

What will happen: A painful game but a crucial three points for West Ham

Wolves v Sunderland (3pm)

“Remember us, Mick?
“We Black Cats were crap with you;
“Now we’re good; how’s Wolves?”

What won’t happen: Sunderland’s impressive seventh place to last into the New Year

What will happen: Big Mick to taste relegation yet again? It’s looking increasingly likely, especially after an away win here

SUNDAY

Newcastle v Chelsea (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)

Coloccini banned
And Williamson too, so
First Toon start for Sol?

What won’t happen: Chelsea haven’t lost three league games on the trot since the last millennium. Expect it to stay that way

What will happen: No Essien, Terry and Lampard spells trouble for Chelsea, but they muddle through to a draw

Spurs v Liverpool (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5 Live Radio)

Stoke loss, West Ham win:
Reds veer from crisis to joy
As per. Calm down, dears.

What won’t happen: A calm, reasoned, long-term review of Liverpool’s fortunes from their fans, instead of week-by-week schizophrenia

What will happen: And indeed, as Spurs win it’s back to ‘The biggest disaster in the club’s history’ and calls for Hodgson’s head

Heroes & Villains: Foxes, moustaches and gloves

James Maw — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 13:35:00 GMT

Rounding up the baddies and bigging up the goodies from the weekend's Premier League action...

RESULTS Sat 13 Nov Aston Villa 2-2 Manchester United, Manchester City 0-0 Birmingham City, Newcastle United 0-0 Fulham, Tottenham Hotspur 4-2 Blackburn Rovers, West Ham United 0-0 Blackpool, Wigan Athletic 1-0 West Bromwich Albion, Wolverhampton Wanderers 2-3 Bolton Wanderers, Stoke City 2-0 Liverpool Sun 14 Nov Everton 1-2 Arsenal, Chelsea 0-3 Sunderland

HEROES

Sunderland
It’s rare you find yourself agreeing with Paul Merson, but his prognosis that Sunderland's performance at Chelsea led to the hardest Man of the Match selection of the season was surely spot on. To a man the Black Cats were superb – from Michael Turner and Nedum Onouha at the back, to Asamoah Gyan and Danny Welbeck up top via Jordan Henderson and Lee Cattermole in the centre.

The fact the visitors had an amazing 18 attempts at goal, nine of which were on target, tells you everything you need to know about Steve Bruce's side's approach to the game, which was in stark contrast to their withdrawn stance at Tottenham on Tuesday evening and their shambolic performance at St James' Park last month.

In two weeks flat, Steve Bruce has arguably gone from his managerial nadir to his zenith. He somewhat understatedly said of the game “Today, we did OK.” It will certainly be interesting to see what Bruce does once Darren Bent returns to fitness, given how well his team have performed in his absence, perhaps benefiting from the increased flexibility their new system allows them. The England striker certainly shouldn’t expect to stroll back into the starting XI.

Johan Djourou & Lukasz Fabianski
Perhaps not the two players you'd expect to be at the front of Arsenal's Man Of The Match queue, but the pair were integral at Everton to what is becoming a typically resilient away performance from Arsene Wenger’s side.

Johan Elmander & Stuart Holden
This blog has singled out the ‘New and Improved Johan Elmander’ on a couple of occasions this season, but the evidently-more-nimble-footed-than-we-expected Swede's impromptu spot of penalty-box fox-trotting at Wolves on Saturday took his Premier League goal tally for the season to six – twice the number of big-league net-bulges he caused last season.

But we’ve yet to properly sing the praises of Bolton’s most consistent performer of the season, indefatigable midfielder Holden. Despite having a haircut like somebody out of Dawson’s Creek, or The OC, or whatever it is kids watch these days, the Scotchmerican has become an integral cog in a Bolton side exceeding all expectations so far this season. After he’s scored his first Premier League goal, finishing an 11-pass move, in a hard-fought away win, seems as good a time as any to be giving him the props. It’s better late than never.

Marc Albrighton & Stewart Downing
While Gabriel Agbonlahor earned what was by his own admission a surprise England recall over the weekend, two of his Aston Villa team-mates could have been forgiven for keeping half an eye on their mobiles on Saturday evening, hoping for a call from FA HQ. Goal – strong header off the line from Ferdinand – England call-up?

Federico Macheda & Nani
For the second successive weekend, Manchester United’s result and performance have looked altogether more positive after their title title rivals have played their matches. Macheda, despite still looking a long way from being worth of a place in the starting XI, has developed a knack of scoring late goals when United are on the rack, while Nani’s cross for Nemanja Vidic’s leveler was a thing of beauty.

Jon Walters
Here at FFT Towers, we fully support Movember, despite some of the team being too youthful to develop credible face furniture. All the more reason, then, to laud Stoke striker Jon Walters, who is currently sporting the kind of soup-strainer that even a German porn veteran (male) would be proud of. 

VILLAINS

Roberto Mancini
While sticking to your tactical guns is to an extent commendable, you’d have thought that the Manchester City boss, having come under criticism from pundits and fans following his side’s less than ambitious performance in the derby on Wednesday, might have adopted a slightly more attacking mindset at home to struggling Birmingham City.

Fair enough, Carlos Tevez has only recently returned from injury – and for that matter Argentina – and Mancini had thrown on a striker for a midfielder (Roque Santa Cruz for James Milner) 17 minutes previously. But with Brazilian forward Jo sat kicking his heels on the bench, surely the Italian could and should have been a bit more bold?

Perhaps having seen the rewards reaped by Sunderland in doing so at Chelsea, he’ll be inspired to take the plunge.

Howard Webb…
There’s no getting around it, Howard Webb didn’t have a great game at Goodison Park. While his poor decisions weren’t reserved exclusively for the benefit of Arsenal, it was Everton who probably had most cause to feel aggrieved, and not just because they ultimately lost the match.

Whether he was failing to award Everton a free-kick just outside the box for a blatant foul by Alex Song, or booking Cesc Fabregas for inadvertently catching Sylvain Distin in a 50-50 challenge in which both players were probably as culpable (or otherwise) as each other, Webb was never far away from agitating one set of fans or the other. Come Tony Pulis's revolution, expect to see Mr Webb at a fourth division ground near you.

 Sebastien Squillaci could and should have been sent off for hauling down Louis Saha as the Everton star looked to circumnavigate the Frenchman, with no other Arsenal defender realistically about to stop the pacy forward getting a shot in.

…Mike Dean…
 Wes Brown could and should have been sent off for bundling over Ashley Young as the Aston Villa star looked to pounce on a Gabriel Agbonlahor cross, with no other United defender realistically about to stop the pacy forward getting a shot in.

…and Chris Foy
Branislav Ivanovic could and should been sent off for tugging back Danny Welbeck as the Sunderland star burst through the home defence, with no other Chelsea defender realistically about to stop the pacy forward getting a shot in.

And people whinge that there’s no consistency among Premier League referees…

Gael Givet
In a baffling and costly loss of concentration akin to a three-year-old letting go of a balloon then bawling as it gently floats away, Blackburn defender Givet gifted Peter Crouch his first Premier League goal of the season by inexplicably failing to shepherd clear the ball after Paul Robinson had parried a Roman Pavlyuchenko shot. This allowed Crouch to prod the ball past the understandably miffed Yorkshire-born gloveman.

The French defender may have compensated for it partly by scoring Rovers' second in injury time, but his lack of focus in his own box was ultimately the moment the match moved beyond the visitors.

Ryan Babel
 The delicate little Twitter-flower delayed his own substitution in Liverpool’s defeat at Stoke because he had forgotten to put his gloves on.

Prem Preview: Morph suits, mental recovery and Mick Hucknall

James Maw — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 15:49:00 GMT

And so to the floodlights.

It's the only full midweek Premier League programme before Christmas, and these midweek sports specials - one for you older readers there - open a quickfire Premier League double-header. Half the sides will play two home games in a week, while the other 10 sets of fans face a double dose of motorway fun.

Contraflow curses aside, the pressure will really be on those underperforming sides playing at home twice. Like West Ham, who host newly-promoted duo West Brom and Blackpool within the space of four days.

With both the Baggies and Tangerines having turned in eye-catchingly good away performances so far and the Upton Park faithful not the most patient bunch, could the end be nigh for cuddly old uncle Avram Grant?

TUESDAY

Stoke v Birmingham
Hold on to your unsightly baseball hats, Tony Pulis is off on one again...

Sure, the Stoke boss has every right to be miffed after the Potters were denied a clear goal/penalty after Sunderland’s Lee Cattermole handled a Kenwyne Jones header on/behind the goalline in Saturday’s match at the Stadium of Light, but there are gaping holes in his plan to get Premier League managers to vote on which referees are allowed to remain operating in the top flight the following season.

For starters, we doubt very much the Football League would be up for having the top flight’s cast-offs forced down the garbage chute with even more regularity than usual. Then there’s the matter of the integrity of the whole system. Imagine Fergie coming out before a ‘six-pointer’ towards the end of the season and stating “I haven’t decided which referees I’ll vote out of the Premier League yet. I hope the referee on Saturday has a good game.”

What won’t happen: This ‘Sky Sports contractual obligation special’ to be one of the games of the season.
What will happen: Sky Sports to bill this ‘Sky Sports contractual obligation special’ as one of the games of the season. 0-0.

Tottenham v Sunderland
Spurs will look to bounce back from their largely shambolic defeat at Bolton with a home win against Sunderland, who bounced back from their largely shambolic defeat at Newcastle with a home win against Stoke. So it can happen.

Darren Bent is out for Sunderland, meaning there’ll be no missed penalties, no hurled plastic bottles, and no goals for any Sunderland player other than Asamoah Gyan, given the two forwards are the only Sunderland players to net so far this term.

Spurs may or may not be without the Premier League's October Player of the Month Rafael van der Vaart, with Harry Redknapp yet to decide on what degree he is "daaahn to the bare bones'.

What won’t happen: Spurs to keep a clean sheet - they haven’t done that since the opening day against Roberto Mancini’s 4-6-0 Manchester City.
What will happen: A Sunderland player other than Gyan or Bent to score for Sunderland, now we’ve pointed that out, but Spurs to edge it 2-1.

WEDNESDAY

Aston Villa v Blackpool
It’s been a funny old start to the season for Villa - four points off fifth place, but only three above the drop zone.

Their fairly poor league form (three points from the last five matches) has been masked by the tightness of the Premier League table, and it’s not often tightness masks stuff, as anybody who saw a certain member of the FFT posse in a skintight lycra St George Cross ‘morph suit’ during the World Cup will testify...

Blackpool may only be one point better off than Villa, but will be more than a little chuffed with their start. They’re realistically well over a third of the way to safety, with barely a quarter of the season gone.

They do need to work on their sharpness in front of goal, mind. An impressive 41 shots in their last two matches have produced an unimpressive five shots on target and four goals, two of which came against the nine men of West Brom.

What won’t happen: Marlon Harewood to play against his former club in a skintight lycra St George Cross ‘morph suit’.
What will happen: Harewood and chums to put in another strong away showing. 1-1.

Chelsea v Fulham
Via the popular medium of the backhanded compliment, Fulham have been described this season as ‘hard to beat’, having only lost twice in 11 league matches. However you could just as easily describe them as ‘easy to prevent from winning’, given they’ve also only won two matches.

Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti is expected to welcome back Michael Essien to his side following their defeat at Anfield in his absence, while Didier Drogba should also start, despite suffering malaria. Who’d have thought it, Didier Drogba is harder than Cheryl Cole...

What won’t happen: Didier Drogba and Cheryl Cole to sing a moving duet about malaria. Sadly.
What will happen: A rare non-draw for Fulham as Chelsea bounce back. 2-1.

Everton v Bolton
While everyone has been creaming themselves over the early-season form of the newly promoted sides, steady old Bolton have been steadily moving steadily into the upper echelons of the Premier League table, like a big steady... errrrm... train.

They’ll travel to Goodison full of confidence after a highly impressive win over ‘hungover’ Spurs on Saturday [that’s a Champions League hangover – FFT lawyer], but will be wary of their recent record on the Toffees’ patch. They’ve failed to score on their last four visits, losing each time. However, the last time they did win in Moyesville, it was a 4-0 gubbing. Swings and roundabouts, innit?

What won’t happen: Bolton to win 4-0.
What will happen: Everton to pee on Bolton’s early-season chips with a narrow, hard-fought 2-1 win. And with only three points and three goals separating them from 16th-placed Blackburn, Bolton to drift back into midtable.

Manchester City v Manchester United
Look, everybody is going to be blathering on about this game between now and 8pm on Wednesday, and then most probably also from that point onwards to 3pm on Saturday, so you’ll have to forgive us for keeping this brief for fear of boring you all to tears.

City, United, Tevez, noisy neighbours, Denis Law, massive club, “this city is ours“, Wayne Rooney, no wait - not Wayne Rooney, “well we didn’t want him anyway”, “we took 10,000 to York”, “we took four billion to Barcelona”, some homemade banner that says something about something or other, Eric Cantona sat in some berk’s kitchen talking about the derby for no apparent reason, Curly Watts, Mick Hucknall, “Ryan Giggs was at City as a kid”, “Yeah, everybody knows that - they always mention it, it’s boring now”, “Fergie, sign him up”, “Fergie, sign him up”, ‘Welcome to Manchester", “quick, get some socks and red paint…”

What won’t happen: This match to be the be-all and end-all of the existence of mankind, or even football, as we know it.
What will happen: Some football to be played in a way that will probably ultimately prove anti-climactic. 1-1.

Newcastle v Blackburn
There could be a touch of the after-the-Lord-Mayor’s-Shows about this match for Newcastle, having won so brilliantly at home to Sunderland and away to Arsenal in their last two matches.

Despite big wins against Villa and the Mackems, Newcastle haven’t always found playing at St James’ entirely enjoyable this season – they've got just one point from their other three home games, with Stoke, Wigan and Blackpool all scoring twice.

Blackburn’s strong defensive record (they’ve conceded fewer Premier League goals than Newcastle and the same number as Manchester United) suggests there’s a possibility of the home crowd being frustrated once more.

What won’t happen: Kevin Nolan or Andy Carroll to dash out and buy the News of the World in a hurry.
What will happen: Blackburn to hold Chris Hughton’s side to a bore draw. 0-0.

West Ham v West Brom
It’s the West derby – the biggest derby in English football (other than the East derby between Eastbourne Borough and East Grinstead Town, obviously) and the pressure is well and truly on Hammers boss Avram Grant.

Like fellow Premier League noobs Blackpool, West Brom are in the snug confines of mid-table - where just two points separate sixth and 14th place - and, like Blackpool, they’ll be more than happy with being well on the road to safety, which will still be their primary aim despite taking four points from away trips to Arsenal and Manchester United.

West Ham, meanwhile, would probably settle for four home points against West Brom and Blackpool (who they host on Saturday) for starters...

What won’t happen: West Ham to get four points against West Brom and Blackpool
What will happen: The locals to get (even more) restless. A 2-1 win for the visitors.

Wigan v Liverpool
Liverpool are back to their five-time-European-Cup-winning best!

Well, that may be overstating it a bit, but they at least look to be capable of winning football matches that aren’t handed to them on a plate, while Fernando Torres is finally starting to look a little something like his old self, even if he’s still a long way from hitting top gear.

Wigan, meanwhile, have been largely bobbins at home this season. Can you see where this is going?

What won’t happen: Liverpool fans not to get carried away.
What will happen: Liverpool to continue their mini-revival with another win. 2-0.

Wolverhampton Wanderers v Arsenal
With the greatest of respect to Wolves, they’ll get nothing from this match if they try and get involved in a free-flowing pass-tacular football fun-fest. And Mick McCarthy is likely to recognise this, even if he struggles to recognise Juan Sebastian Veron.

The Gunners can ill afford to drop many, if any, points against the Premier League’s lesser lights following their second home defeat to a newly-promoted side this season against Newcastle on Sunday. But with Arsene Wenger stating Cesc Fabregas is still ‘restricted’ by the ongoing mental recovery from his recent injury problems, you sense they may struggle to avoid doing so.

What won’t happen: Arsene Wenger to leap up in celebration of a tackle, or to dismiss any meaty challenges on his teenie-tiny starlets as "just part of the game".
What will happen: Karl Henry to be booked (at least) and Arsenal to be strong-armed out of a win. 1-1.

Heroes & Villains: Bed-wetters, fruit loops and the Wicker Man

James Maw — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 10:21:00 GMT

The weekend's Premier League goodies and baddies...

HEROES

Fernando Torres
If the proclamations that Fernando Torres was ’back’ following his goal against Blackburn two weeks ago seemed a trifle premature, similar claims following his match-winning performance on Sunday certainly appear to be of more substance.

The formerly flaxon forward furthered his frightening goalscoring record at Anfield (44 in 47 league matches) and in particular against Chelsea (seven in eight), as Roy Hodgson’s relegation-threatened Reds showed they were never really at any risk of going down and the namby-pamby bed-wetting sorts who previously thought otherwise were actually just being rather silly.

As silly, in fact, as the people who thought the Reds would win the blessed league just because they signed Joe Cole. And we’re not entirely ruling out the possibility there may be some overlap on the Venn Diagram of those two groups.

Chris Hughton
The first thing to say about Chris Hughton is that all of the grey in his hair - and you expect plenty of it on a Newcastle manager - has curiously gathered on one side of his head. The second thing to say about Chris Hughton is that he is working absolute miracles at St James’ Park and deserves all the praise, accolades and new contracts heading his way.

It's one thing to tonk a woefully out-of-sorts Sunderland at home, even if it's the most important thing in the world for your fans. Rocking up to the home of one of the ‘Big Four/Three/Five/Six’ and coming away with a richly-deserved 1-0 victory is quite another.

With back-to-back home games against Blackburn and Fulham to come over the next week, it could well be that the Magpies are soaring (gerrit?) towards the top of the Premier League table for a while longer yet.

That or they’ll suffer some sort of mental breakdown and not be able to win at home again for a couple of months like they did the last time they gave somebody a right royal gubbing - you never can tell with Newcastle…

Gretar Steinsson
With the football media going absolutely stark raving mental about Gareth Bale following his ascension to the higher echelons of largely over-egged and generally worthless hyperboledom, much of the focus in the run up to Saturday’s meeting of Bolton and Spurs fell upon the man facing the ‘impossible’ task of stopping Gareth Bale. So impossible nobody has managed it since Phil Neville about two weeks ago.

But in a delicious twist of oh-so-predictable irony, Spurs couldn’t muster a second decent showing in a week, and it was the Icelandic defender who had the bigger impact on the game, scoring as he did Bolton’s second goal.

Granted, he may have been left in Bale’s wake on a couple of occasions in the first half, but he was able to tighten the screw in the second and generally snuff out the threat of the athletic young Welshman.

Word too for Kevin Davies, who scored two - one a perfect penalty, which should surely underline his potential worth to England - and deftly teed-up Martin Petrov’s game-settler in front of the watching Fabio Capello.

Ji Sung Park
With Saturday being Sir Alex Ferguson’s 24th snniversary at Old Trafford, it was perhaps fitting that Manchester United would win in textbook fashion - at the last, having failed to impress in the first 93 minutes of the match.

But with United’s frontline consisting of the vastly inexperienced trio of Gabriel Obertan, Bebe and Javier Hernandez, it was always likely that Ferguson would rely on one of his old stagers to seal the win.

In the event, it wasn’t Ryan Giggs or Paul Scholes, rather the understated and generally under-praised Ji Sung Park. The midfielder, having earlier put United 1-0 up, dodged a flurry of Wolves challenges before twisting inside and screwing a shot into Marcus Hahnemann’s onion bag.

Such a scrappy win probably didn’t give too much encouragement to Ferguson or United’s fans at the time, but with fellow Champions League participants Chelsea, Arsenal and Tottenham slipping to defeats of varying degrees of unforseeableness, they should just be happy to have got the points ’on the board’.

Asamoah Gyan
Nothing will help you get over a derby day doing-over better than a win, other than maybe 28 further wins and the League title.

With that fairly certain not to happen, the Black Cats will have to make do with this Gyan-inspired win over Stoke. The Ghanaian scored twice and also won his side a penalty – although he had that chance grabbed off him by Steed Malbranque, who fluffed the spot-kick.

And all this in Gyan's first Premier League start in the absence of Darren Bent, who was busy playing Call of Duty or something.

Neil Eardley
A superb free kick scored by a player who reminds us all of Neal Ardley and the halcyon days of Wimbledon’s Crazy Gang crazying up the Premiership (as it was then) with their crazy madcap craziness. Crazy.

VILLAINS

Mario Balotelli
In lieu of any real Premier League villainy this weekend, we’ve opted to make Super Mario our headline act. The Italian scored his first two Premier League goals as Manchester City vitally returned to winning ways at the Hawthornes, but then needlessly got himself sent off following two petulant and pointless offences.

He earned his red card for threateningly swinging a leg in the direction of West Brom midfielder Youssuf Mulumbu’s face, like a haggard old man shaking his walking stick at some unruly youths.

And now he’ll miss Wednesday match's against Manchester United. It's the last thing Roberto Mancini needs, what with the tabloids - who as we know are always right - suggesting Jose Mourinho may be willing to leave free-scoring, table-topping Champions League contenders Real Madrid in favour of a team containing a fruit loop he was probably more than a little relieved to be done with this summer.

That’s Balotelli again, in case you were wondering.

Javier Hernandez
Having wooed and wowed us with some nifty footwork, unusual heading technique and adorable little cherub-like face that you just want to gleefully squeeze like a semi-deranged octogenarian, Javier Hernandez showed exactly what we don’t like to see from young players in the dying minutes of Manchester United’s laboured win over Wolves.

With the game locked at 1-1 and time ticking away, the Mexican took an almighty tumble after going out of his way to ensure his left boot clipped Marcus Hanehman as the ball ran harmlessly out for a goal kick. Fortunately, he didn’t fool Phil Dowd, who wore a typically disgusted expression as he booked the little scamp for his misdemeanour.

Tottenham Hotspur
Saturday’s feeble defeat at Bolton was possibly the most predictable episode in the entire history of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

But what we’d really like to know is why Harry Redknapp - having last week left Peter Crouch on the bench at Old Trafford reasoning he wouldn’t get much change out of aerial battles with Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand - opted to start the gangly Pringle-plugger as a lone striker against a Bolton team featuring the tallest centre-back in Premier League history, 6ft 6in Zat Knight.

Rob Green
He may have been on a relatively steady post-World Cup upward curve, but Rob Green showed that he's still not 100% confident after some uncertain goalkeeping contributed substantially to the Hammers blowing a two-goal lead at St Andrews.

Indecision from Green and his defence allowed Cameron Jerome to nip in and score Birmingham‘s first, before Green meekly palmed a Seb Larsson free kick straight back into the danger zone, allowing Liam Ridgewell to immediately rifle the rebound straight back past him. Safety first, Robert, safety first.

Michael Oliver
Also contributing to West Ham’s failure to win the match was whistle-blowing whippersnapper Oliver’s incredible omission to award a late penalty to the Irons when Jean Beausejour tugged back Lars Jacobsen as the Danish full-back burst into the Birmingham penalty area.

Avram Grant was understandably furious, although not visibly so, having maintained the same facial expression since November 1984.

Martin Atkinson
Look, we don’t like picking on referees, but when they insist on making such an array of bewildering decisions, we feel... well, we feel like we should pick on them, at least a little bit.

Atkinson’s nadir, for this week at least, came when Kenwyne Jones of Stoke, returning to former club Sunderland for the first time, saw a header cleared from just behind the line by the arm, face, then arm again of Lee Cattermole, whose spot of impromptu ball-juggling quite possibly broke his personal keepie-uppie record.

Lukasz Fabianski
Given what was a largely insipid Arsenal performance across the board, it’s probably more than a little harsh to pick out Fabianski for specific criticism. But the young Pole perhaps proved once again that, although he’s capable of occasional brilliance, he’s probably still lacking the focus and reading of the game to be a No.1 goalkeeper at a side with pretensions of winning the Premier or Champions League.

Whoever is responsible for Fulham’s paper noisey-making-whacking-thingies
Listen, we’re all for keeping things twee and a bit old-school retro 1950s football fandom chic, but this is really taking the biscuit. The sight and sound of 15-odd thousand people sitting and rhythmically thwacking a piece of strategically folded cardboard against their hands is like a deleted scene from some middle-class Wicker Man remake.

Whatever happened to the days when unhealthy levels of aggression and a liberal smattering of profanity were enough fun for your average fan of a Saturday afternoon? Eh, Hearts and Hibs fans?

Fat, shirtless, jiggling Newcastle fans
The other end of the scale (again with the puns), perhaps, but a continuing phenomenon which causes much queasiness, nonetheless.

What you do at The Bigg Market is your prerogative, but when you’re likely to be captured by national television cameras a little more decorum is required. Especially in the era of 3D TV.

Killjoys? Us?

Premier League Heroes & Villains: From Henry Winter to disembowelling

James Maw — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 11:36:00 GMT

The weekend's Premier League heroes and villains, as chosen by James Maw...

HEROES

Kevin Nolan
Henry Winter probably put it best - “Kevin Nolan, midfielder, goalscorer, captain, landlord...utterly immense for Newcastle United.”

In taking his tally for the season to six, the Scouse midfielder has already scored more Premier League goals in this campaign than he did in his last two seasons in the top flight (he scored five over the course of 2007/08 and 2008/09 - none of which came his first half-season at Newcastle at the end of that period).

Despite scoring a hat-trick, goals were really only a small part of Nolan’s contribution to the Newcastle cause on Sunday afternoon. The Magpies skipper was largely spot-on with his passing, and was typically happy to compete physically in those traditional tenacious derby moments.

Having appeared to go stale towards the end of his time at Bolton, and then failing to find form quickly enough to help Newcastle avoid the drop last spring, Nolan looks to finally be hitting the right notes as consistently as he was in his mid-2000s heyday, when he was regularly touted for an England call-up.

Would it really be so ridiculous to repeat those calls if he can maintain his early season form for a prolonged period?

Chris Hughton
Word too for the Newcastle manager who, although we may well have expected to be among the fore-runners in the early season sack race, certainly doesn’t deserve to be. Like Nolan, Hughton acts as a steadying influence on a club and group of players who haven’t always found it easy to avoid controversy and upheaval.

If he can keep the likes of Joey Barton and Andy Carroll on the straight and narrow, and performing as well as they’ve shown they’re capable of in spells over the last two months or so, then he’ll already have gone a long way to being more Robson than Gullit in the eyes of the Geordie faithful.

Robert Green
While you could argue West Ham deserved little from Saturday’s match at Emirates Stadium, having come under extended spells of pressure from Arsenal, it’d be hard to argue that Robert Green didn’t deserve better than a heartbreaking last-gasp defeat.

The Hammers stopper appears to be recovered from his England clanger more quickly than predecessors Paul Robinson and Scott Carson, and continued his recent revival in N5, frustrating the title-chasing hosts for fully 87 minutes, only to eventually be beaten by an Alex Song header.

Wolves
While their over-physical approach against Newcastle in September and the continued shenanigans of Karl Henry have seen Wolves described in less than glowing terms in this column, their performance against Manchester City was one worthy of high praise.

Mick McCarthy’s side remain in the bottom three, and with Manchester United and Arsenal coming up in their next two matches, these will have been three very welcome points indeed.

Branislav Ivanovic
As Chelsea’s tightly-contested clash at Blackburn entered the final five minutes, Serbian defender Ivanovic looked like he was about to get the elbow from Chelsea coach Carlo Ancelotti, with rival right-back Paulo Ferreira stomping the touchline in preparation for a substitute appearance.

So it was good timing, then, that he instead headed the Blues into a late lead - notching his first Premier League goal in the process.

Blackburn had several good chances to go in front themselves at 1-1, but scoring late goals and winning when you’re on the back foot are hallmarks of champions, as they say. The difference between Chelsea and Manchester City, perhaps?

Blackburn’s goal nets
Not quite sure an inanimate object can strictly be labelled as a ‘hero’, but it’s probably no more of a stretch than most of the other entries over the last two and a half months…

The Ewood Park ground staff wowed the world with their snazzy chequered onion bags – which had made their debut unnoticed against Sunderland in a match which rarely troubled either keeper – although sadly for Big Sam’s team it wasn’t enough to put off Chelsea.

Clint Dempsey
As a manager, when you’re without your leading striker and top scorer, you’re going to want your other players to chip in with their fair share of goals.

Fortunately for Fulham manager Mark Hughes, Clint Dempsey – often used effectively in midfield during his Fulham career – has done his bit to fill the gaping Bobby Zamora-shaped void in the Fulham front line, chipping in with another two goals against Wigan on Saturday, taking his tally for the season to five.

But, as if that wasn’t enough, the American dazzled Match of the Day’s bewildered audience with some top-drawer football Americanisms - ‘side backs’ (fullbacks) and ‘on frame’ (on target). What an sweet, adorable little superpower America is, eh?

VILLAINS

Mark Clattenburg
There was no bad refereeing in the build up to Nani’s goal... because there was no refereeing at all.

Nani goes down after contact from Younes Kaboul - nothing doing. Nani dives after he’s edged away from Kaboul - nothing doing. Nani clearly handles the ball for a couple of seconds while lying sprawled across the floor - nothing doing.

We all know the usual outstretched-arms signal for ‘play on', and Clattenburg at no point made it. He just - pootled off towards the halfway line with his back to the ball. When Gomes yelled to ask him either whether it was a free-kick, or where it should be taken from, all Clattenburg could offer was a shrug. We’re not entirely convinced a shrug constitutes a signalling of ‘carry on’, at least not outside France.

Clattenburg can’t just decide he wants to play advantage and keep it to himself, just like he can’t book a player in his mind then show him a second yellow later on with the player unaware he was already on a yellow. All of the confusion and the air of amateurishness that followed the incident came from Clattenburg at no stage making it clear what he was doing.

However…

Heurelho Gomes
It’s somewhat of a cliché, but still an accurate one - play to the whistle. The Spurs keeper will have to shoulder a healthy share of the blame for Nani’s goal, even if there were clearly several other players on both sides expecting a free kick.

Had the Brazilian held on to the ball then kicked or thrown the ball - after all, this is a guy who can throw the ball past the halfway line - then Spurs wouldn’t have fallen two goals down and would have prolonged their hopes of getting reward from the match in which they had performed impressively, particularly in the first half.

Roberto Mancini
It’s an indication of how quickly things can change in football that City are now closer to Liverpool than they are to Chelsea, when two weeks ago City were the only team who could stop Carlo Ancelotti’s side from marching to another title and Liverpool were the worst team in the history of the world ever.

The Italian knows what it takes to win a title, of course, but some of his tactical decisions this season have been peculiar. Case in point: his substitutions on Saturday. With City trailing 2-1 at bottom-three Wolves and the time ticking away, Mancini brought on full-back Pablo Zabaletta for goalscorer Emmanuel Adebayor, despite Mario Balotelli clearly labouring in the second half and Brazilian striker Jo sat on the bench.

Sunderland’s defence
For a team managed by such an accomplished defender as Steve Bruce, Sunderland’s back four were an utter shambles at St James’ Park in a derby defeat their fans will be wishing to forget forever.

Sunderland were undone by clumsy, pointless tackle (from Nedum Onouha on Jonas Gutierrez to concede Newcastle’s first-half penalty) after clumsy, pointless tackle (on Andy Carroll from Titus Bramble as the last line of defence, leading to a red card). And that’s not to mention the sloppy distribution and failure to pick up Newcastle’s biggest aerial threats at set pieces throughout the second half.

This was an uncharacteristically atrocious performance from a Sunderland team who over the last 18 months have generally found something to take from a match, even in defeat. But not this time.

Compilers of achingly long and massively contrived Halloween-themed football montages
Yes, ESPN and Sky, we’re looking at you. Is it really necessary? Every year? We all know what’s going on, it just seems a bit cheap and obvious. It’s not even a proper holiday, like Christmas or Grand Slam Sunday.

Blah blah blah blah, horror show. Blah blah blah, back from the dead. Blah blah blah, Attack of the Giant Aubergines. Wait, not the last one...

Still, we’ll be back when next weekend's Premier League action will surely contain FIREWORKS and, er, religious insurgents being tortured, hanged, castrated and disembowelled. Boom!

Good Neville, bad Neville

James Maw — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 11:37:00 GMT

The weekend's winners and losers, literally and figuratively...

HEROES

Lukasz Fabianski
A confident and composed performance from the Arsenal goalkeeper helped his side seal all three points in what had looked a tricky away day. Hang on a second, what the...?

No, we've checked and it's definitely right - an Arsenal goalkeeper had a good match, and he wasn’t even a jolly moustachioed Yorkshireman or a mental German.

Perhaps his best save was one he didn’t need to make, from Emmanuel Adebayor’s point-blank header in the 73rd minute. The Togolese forward had been flagged offside, but neither he nor his former Arsenal teammate were to know that.

It’s often said that confidence in the most important attribute for a goalkeeper, and this performance and the clean sheet that resulted from it will do Fabianski the world of good.

Samir Nasri
Sky may have handed the post-match champers to Cesc Fabregas, but Nasri was just as, if not more integral (if it’s possible to be ’more integral’…) than the Gunners skipper, scoring the opener and playing through Nicklas Bendtner for Arsenal’s third.

The Frenchman has imposed himself on matches on a far more regular basis this season, and looks physically stronger and more energetic than in previous seasons.

Mark Clattenburg
We’re always quick to criticise when an official makes an error (although we did omit to lament Clattenburg last week for wrongly ruling out a late West Ham goal at Wolves…), so it’s only fair to praise them when they’re on the money.

Clattenburg, despite chants of ‘1-0 to the referee’ towards the end of the first half, got all of the game’s big decisions right and was strong in the face of a barrage of whinging from City players throughout the first half.

As tough a break as it was for Dedryck Boyatta to be dismissed after barely four minutes, it was the right call, as was the penalty award against Vincent Kompany for a clumsy challenge on Cesc Fabregas.

Javier Hernandez
If ‘The Little Green Pea’ (as Richard Keys insists on incorrectly calling him) was just doing what comes naturally to a centre forward in smashing home his second goal of the from close range to seal Manchester United their first away win of the season at Stoke, his opener was more unorthodox.

The Mexican somehow powered the ball home with the back of his head, displaying the kind of neck strength you’d expect from a seasoned musclebound headbanging rock Adonis rather than a tiny, slightly feminine 22-year-old.

Phil Neville
Left-back Leighton Baines may have been the one to put Everton into the lead with a superb free kick, it was his right-sided pal Neville who was perhaps Everton’s best performer on the day, keeping in-form Inter-botherer Gareth Bale in check in a way Douglas Maicon could only dream of…

Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll
In all honesty, these goalscoring co-habitants probably weren’t Newcastle’s best performers at Upton Park on Saturday evening, so honourable mention should go to the brilliant Chiek Tiote, but it was still nice to see the Toon roomies slightly awkwardly embrace one another following their goals.

Things probably aren’t quite so warm and fuzzy when they’re bickering over spending too much time in the shower. Or when there’s a flaming Range Rover on the driveway.

VILLAINS

Richard Dunne & Jamie Carragher
Far, far more thrilling than the race for the Premier League title or golden boot is the eternal struggle for own-goal supremacy.

For a few years now - essentially since Frank Sinclair left Leicester in 2004 - two men have dominated the Premier League OG scene; two men who ‘wear their hearts on their sleeves’ and are ‘as honest as the day is long’. Those two men, as you really should have guessed by now given their names are in bold above this here blathering nonsense, are Aston Villa’s Richard Dunne and Liverpool’s Jamie Carragher.

Going into this weekend’s matches, ‘Dunny’ led ‘Carra’ by seven own goals to six, and doubled his lead up at Sunderland on Saturday with an acrobatic near-post finish from a Steed Malbranque cross.

But Carragher, never one to be out-calamitied, bravely pulled one back barely 24 hours later against Blackburn at Anfield, bundling (or bungling) the ball into the net after team mate Paul Konchesky had cleared it off the line from an El Hadji Diouf shot a split second beforehand.

The footballing battle to end all footballing battles continues next weekend, sports fans.

Gary Neville
Let’s be honest, nobody outside the red half of Manchester (or Guildford, lolz) likes this guy at the best of times. Less so when he’s been ludicrously, massively, gut-wrenchingly fortunate to avoid seeing a red card, having twice clattered Stoke winger Matthew Etherington in the first half, but still looks genuinely perplexed at his manager’s decision to pull him off (stop giggling at the back).

Roberto Mancini
OK, OK - one more mention of that game.

The Italian insisted post-match that his side would have won had they not gone down to 10 men. Quite how he can confidently make such a bold statement given the sending off came after just four minutes of the match we have no idea.

He then went on to reason that, as Boyata was shown a red card for his foul on Chamakh, Newcastle’s Mike Williamson should have also seen red for his ‘foul’ on Carlos Tevez when the Magpies visited Eastlands earlier this month, nimbly sidestepping all the questionable refereeing decisions that went his team’s way that day (including the aforementioned penalty award).

West Ham
Usually, playing at home under the floodlights against a team close to you in the league is enough to galvanise out-of-form players. Sadly for West Ham fans, their boys were not inspired in such a way in their match against fellow strugglers (yes, yes - it’s only October) Newcastle on Saturday evening.

The Hammers having exploded out of the traps and taken a deserved lead through Carlton Cole, the locals could have been forgiven for dreaming of a memorable night for all the right reasons.

Instead they were treated to 80 minutes of utter dross from Avram Grant’s side, meaning this match will be remembered for all the wrong reasons by all associated with the club, not least if the worst is to happen come May.

The haters of Fulham’s green third kit
It’s frickin awesome, regal even, and those who have spoken out against it are just afraid of it. Because they don’t understand it.

The kitten stealing Prem Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 11:27:00 GMT

With the Rooney saga set to rumble on until most of us are dead, fall-out for six teams in Europe and yet another high-profile Manchester City league encounter, this weekend looks set to be a belter in the English Prem.

It’s not too bad for coverage either, with only three matches not to be found live on radio or television - in your face, 'the good old days'!

Still, with the case most weeks being that 5Live get three matches, TalkSPORT two and Absolute Radio one, you’d think more of the Saturday 3pm fixtures would be shown in the knowledge no one on the TV except Setanta Ireland has them – but no. So we have the big games shoved in our ears as well as our eyes, but nothing on such intriguing tussles as West Brom-Fulham.

That’s not sarcasm, by the way.

SATURDAY

Spurs v Everton (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5Live Radio)

For all the talk over the Toffees’ sticky start to the season – sorry, making puns around their nickname is a force of habit now – they’re still better off than they were at this stage last season, when they ended up finishing fifth.

The worries on this side of Merseyside are also slightly abated with that derby win over a dejected Liverpool, but this trip to White Hart Lane will be a much tougher ask, not least because Marouane Fellaini joins an ever-lengthening injury list. On the plus side, Louis Saha and the criminally underrated Steven Pienaar may play some part – and not as mascots or magic sponge men.

Ledley King remains sidelined for Spurs, but Younes Kaboul could return to defy yet more people who refuse to believe he’s only 24.

What won’t happen: Kaboul’s real age, 64, to be accidentally revealed in the match programme, causing the painting in his attic to crumble into dust

What will happen: Bale put a gloss on Spurs’ nightmare against Inter, but there’s no doubting their defensive deficiencies. They’ll cost them in this game, as Everton take a good score draw

Birmingham v Blackpool (3pm)

It’s been a surprisingly bad start for Birmingham, all piss and vinegar at the season’s commencement and boosted by some excellent signings. Indeed, the only season in which they’ve been slower out of the blocks, in 2005/6, they were relegated. It’s even got so bad that Alixkszndra Hleb has had to reassure fans they’re ‘too good to go down’, which as Leeds, West Ham and Newcastle supporters know, is always a dangerous phrase.

Just one win from eight is a situation that needs to be remedied, especially at home against supposedly weak opposition. But Blackpool are almost at full strength, and have already recorded three away wins this season.

What won’t happen: A fourth

What will happen: A fascinating draw. Again, this isn’t sarcasm

Chelsea v Wolves (3pm, 5Live Radio)

Perennial Chelsea-to-Wolves loanee Michael Mancienne is ineligible to play against mummy and daddy, and with Karl Henry still suspended, Mick McCarthy has been forced to recall 19-year-old Tory namesake David Davis from his loan spell at Walsall.

It’s tough cheese for Walsall: they face Tranmere in an early-season relegation battle this weekend.

Chelsea aren’t looking invincible of late, but should still glide desultorily over Wolves here to potentially move five points clear again at the top. You know in all four Prem meetings with Wolves, one Chelsea player has scored more than once? That’s called a sign.

What won’t happen: The Blues to ever be ruled out of the running for Rooney, even once the ogre-goblin hybrid has signed a new five-year contract at Old Trafford

What will happen: Home win. Sod it, 4-0. It’s the Alan Sugar school of prediction (see West Ham v Newcastle)

Sunderland v Aston Villa (3pm, Absolute Radio)

So far in this Premier League season, there have been success stories and horror stories. Here meet two teams refusing to be pigeonholed into either.

The Black Cats have been typically underwhelming, sitting in 13th, while Villa have been typically solid, despite exit from Europe, a thumping at St James’ Park – against Newcastle, not Exeter – and a change of manager. Given how things could have gone, they’ll be pleased with 8th right now.

They won’t be as pleased that Luke Young will miss three matches with a torn hamstring, or that the BBC’s biggest news story in Birmingham right now seems to be ‘MP’s wife accused of kitten theft’. That just isn’t on.

What won’t happen: ‘MP’s wife accused of unicorn stabbing’

What will happen: To be fair to Sunderland, three of their five consecutive draws have been against traditional Big Four sides, as well as a solid result at Ewood Park. They’re well set to go one better and win this match

West Brom v Fulham (3pm)

Fulham finally had their distinctly unimpressive drawing streak – sorry, unbeaten run – brought to an end by Spurs thanks to some generous refereeing following a harangue from Tom Huddlestone.

The Cottagers still haven’t won in 22 away games in the league, and while this might have been earmarked at the start of the season as a probable three-pointer, the Baggies have been superb this season and genuinely deserve their current standing of sixth place.

Shame it won’t last. Football is a cruel mistress.

What won’t happen: Mark Hughes to win a style war with opposite number Roberto di Matteo

What will happen: Fulham to look less goalshy now Moussa Dembele has returned, but West Brom take another win that could – but won’t – move them as high as third

Wigan v Bolton (3pm)

Bolton, somewhat unbelievably, are seventh in the table, though it’s probably fair to mention they’ve only had two really tough encounters: an impressive 2-2 draw against Manchester United and a 4-1 misery-fest at the Emirates.

Still, they deserve credit, not least for continuing to promote the startlingly impressive Lee Chung-Yong, who scored a great goal in the win against Stoke last week.

What won’t happen: A net-bulging scorcher-fest. Before Bolton won 4-0 in their last meeting, four matches between these two had produced only two goals

What will happen: Away win, with Lee instrumental again

West Ham v Newcastle (5.30pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, TalkSPORT Radio)

The BBC’s celebrity predictions continue with a very confused-looking Alan Sugar offering his thoughts on the games ahead. For a man that seems to know a bit about football, he disguises it very well. In this fixture, he’s firmly settled on an away win before being told he has to offer a score, hesitating briefly then grumping, “Oh... I’m going to say... 3-0?”

It’s not that he’s destined to be wrong – he may very well be right – but the way he’s plucked a scoreline out of the air (or indeed his airse). Doesn’t he realise the intense mathematical analysis, the scouring of the news, expected team sheets and form records, the late nights and early mornings that go into this art of prediction?

Anyway, it’s come up tails so we’re plumping for an away win.

What won’t happen: West Ham have scored at least twice in five of their last home games against the Toon, but it won’t happen this time

What will happen: 0-3 – it’s hard to argue with the self-proclaimed Most Successful Man In The World

SUNDAY

Stoke v Manchester United (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)

Enough has been said on the Rooney issue, by such learned loudmouths as Ian Holloway, Harry Redknapp and everyone ringing into TalkSPORT, that you really don’t any more guff from this blog speculating over a seismic shift in football we all saw coming, and a big-money transfer that probably now isn't going to happen.

What won’t happen: Rooney to move to Stoke. That’s probably a safe bet

What will happen: According to statistics, AND STATISTICS KNOW ALL, the following will all take place: Matthew Etherington will provide an assist (he’s made 50 per cent of Stoke’s goals this season), Manchester United will drop points from a winning position (six already, twice as many as the whole of last season) and the game will end in a draw (United have drawn all four away games in the Prem this season). That all said... away win

Liverpool v Blackburn (3pm, 5Live Radio (1st half only; 2nd half on 5Live Sports Extra))

A solid 0-0 away draw in Europe with a much-depleted team could be interpreted as a good result, but Roy Hodgson seems to be on the rack, having his aged bones stretched and twisted by vulture-like fans. A time for patience? Or does he just not know what he’s doing? This game should give some indication.

The good news is that the Hodgson-hating Rafa obsessive Lucas Leiva – the fake one – is still on Twitter, after a threat to leave that may or may not have been written by a rival hacking into his account. This means @NotLucasLeiva21 is around to sum up this game nicely:

“Not looking forward to Sunday. Bloody Blackburn. Horrible long ball, uninventive, clueless football. And Blackburn.”

What won’t happen: A thrilling display of attacking football from Lucas himself

What will happen: 0-0, and more fan woe for Hodgson. He may not be gone by the end of the month, as many are mooting, but by December seems inevitable

Manchester City v Arsenal (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5Live Radio)

Oh God, that’s all we need. After his display of oure bellendry last time he scored against former club Arsenal, all we need now is more bravado from Emmanuel Adebayor after scoring a hat-trick in midweek. Maybe this time a bottle will hit him. Hope not, though: he’s actually quite a good pundit.

Jack Wilshere is very deservedly suspended after a frankly shocking tackle, but it’s OK, he’s not that sort of player. For Man City, Mario Balotelli seems to have recovered incredibly quickly (he was originally suggested to be out until Christmas), perhaps as a result of that soothing trip to a women’s prison.

What won’t happen: Arguably, more w***ers on a football pitch at any one time

What will happen: Kolo Toure to miss an encounter with his old club through injury, but Adebayor to play and really rile the fans by scoring, then climbing into the stands to rub his excrement in the face of every single one, man, woman and child. Draw

Boo-boy silencers & kitten-kickers

James Maw — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 10:41:00 GMT

The weekend's heroes and villains in the Premier League...

HEROES

Tim Cahill
While it may have come as a slight surprise to see the Australian score with his right boot rather than his noggin, it probably shouldn’t to see him score against Liverpool - this was his fifth goal against the Reds.

Cahill was his usual energetic self in what was, according to Sky Sports, the MOST IMPORTANT FOOTBALL MATCH IN THE WORLD… since the Championship match between Middlesbrough and Leeds 20 hours previously, at least.

The only question mark was over the unusual strapping across his left shoulder visible after the match. Did he celebrate his opening goal with a half-time tattooing?

Roberto Di Matteo
Not for the first time this season, and Di Matteo will be hoping not for the last, West Brom exceeded expectations in picking up what could prove crucial points away from home.

Last time round it was a win at Arsenal, this time a battling draw at Old Trafford which could well have been another shock victory, given how dangerous the Italian’s side looked on the counter-attack in the closing stages with the game level at 2-2.

Their good start has left Di Matteo’s side sixth in the Premier League as we approach the less-regal-sounding-than-halfway quarterway stage, making this their best start to a top flight season since 1983.

But one statistic West Brom will rightly ignore is the one stating that no side has been relegated from the Premier League after as good a start as the Baggies have made this term. They know better than anybody that these little records are there to be broken, having in 2005 shattered the idea that no club bottom at Christmas can survive.

Charles N’Zogbia
There’s no better way to silence the boo-boys on your return to a former club who feel you left somewhat unceremoniously than by sticking the ball in the net. Well, other than sticking the ball in the back of the net twice, which is exactly what Charles N’Zogbia did on his return to St James’ Park.

The irony is that N’Zogbia spent large swathes of the summer pining for a move away from Wigan, and Newcastle fans may wish he’d had his way, for this week at least, with the Frenchman’s first-half double preventing the Magpies from winning at home for the third successive match.

Granted, N’Zogbia’s revenge may have been sweeter had his side managed to hold on for all three points as opposed to just the one, but it was still a decent enough day's work.

David Silva
While the Spaniard’s impact has been far from instant, David Silva displayed his true class at Blackpool on Sunday by scoring what would ultimately prove the winner in an enthralling match.

The 24-year-old showed his control, poise and composure as he weaved between two Blackpool defenders before bending a left-footed shot past a helpless Matt Gilks to put City 3-1 up in a match they eventually won 3-2.

As the old cliché goes, winning when you don’t deserve to is the stuff of champions, although if we see more of Silva at his best that may not be too regular an occurrence.

Blackpool
It’s not often you’ll see a losing team in a league match described as heroes, so apologies if this comes off as patronising, but Blackpool’s cavalier performance at home to one of the Premier League’s financial superpowers was refreshing and compelling, if ultimately fruitless.

A time will come when Ian Holloway's men will need to play ugly in order to eke out points, but in the meantime, the Tangerines are collecting points steadily enough and deserve all the praising being heaped upon them.

VILLAINS

Roy Hodgson
"I refuse to sit here and accept that we were outplayed or in any way inferior." “In the second half we did everything the team could possibly do, we played well.” “From what I saw I thought we dominated the second half.” “I don't think it is a crisis. I thought the way we played today was not the level of a team in the bottom three.”

All quotes attributed to the Liverpool manager following Sunday’s largely feeble showing at Goodison Park, and all evidently said without any hint of irony or crossed fingers.

With panto villains Hicks and Gillett no longer available as scapegoat, Roy really needs to arrest this slump quickly, or the questions will get more frequent and more angry.

Edwin van der Sar
Remember how, when Peter Schmeichel announced he would be leaving Manchester United at the end of the 1998/99 season, his form wobbled and some uncharacteristic gaffes cost United points?

Sir Alex Ferguson will be hoping this season ends up the same way - United went on to win the Treble - although he’ll also be hoping it doesn’t take him six years to find a fully capable replacement as it did last time round...

Van der Sar's hapless performance was in stark contrast to West Brom’s last visit to Old Trafford. United's 5-0 win meant Van der Sar broke the Premier League record for consecutive clean sheets.

No such glory this time for the former Ajax and Juventus man. He spilled a cross to gift the equaliser, but his positioning for the first could also be questioned as Chris Brunt drilled in a free-kick to the near post.

Jack Wilshere
The young scamp’s lunging tackle on GiantSerbNikolaZigic presented Gunners boss Arsene Wenger with a double headache. Not only did it mean his side were down to 10 men for the dying minutes of a closely-fought match, but also that he would need to either a) admit his player was massively in the wrong, or b) claim late tackles are part of the game and look an utter raving hypocrite.

To his credit Wenger did the former – although obviously without anywhere near the same passion he would have done had the boot been embedded into the other foot. Presumably only the fact it happened right under his nose prevented him from just claiming he didn’t see it…

Mike Dean (or Law XI)
It’s not very often one finds oneself disagreeing with Alan Shearer’s analysis (cough). But it’s hard to go along with his suggestion that Tottenham defender William Gallas wasn't ‘active’ when Tom Huddlestone’s 25-yard shot bounced half an inch beyond the Frenchman’s outstretched foot before hitting the back of Mark Schwarzer’s net.

Assistant referee Martin Yarby raised his flag as soon as the ball whistled past Gallas and into the bottom corner, only for Dean to eventually overrule him, evidently on the basis that the former Arsenal man hadn’t made contact with the ball.

Quite how a player inside the six-yard box who makes motion to kick the ball barely four yards in front of the goalkeeper can be described as ‘not active’ is a mystery. The notion that Chris Baird may have played Gallas onside by inadvertently deflecting the ball marginally off course as it sailed through the box is surely lunacy.

Law XI (downloadable here) is a well-meaning but confusing ass. It's laudable to give referees the right to make decisions based on their opinions; this is, after all, the basis of the "common sense" about which pundits bang on (until they switch to "consistency" instead). But it's hard to concur with Mike Dean that Gallas was not "interfering with play OR interfering with an opponent OR gaining an advantage by being in that position".

Jermaine Beckford
Bar the week a certain Premier League player punted a kitten off of a pier into the sea, or any of the weeks Karl Henry has featured, the term ‘villain’ is generally more than a little harsh on this blog’s weekly targets.

That certainly applies to Everton forward Beckford, whose only crime was bounding round the Goodison pitch like an over-eager Jack Russell trying to hump the postman’s leg. But his over-enthusiasm (late challenges, crazy shots/passes, the whole shebang) could have cost the Toffees dear, had he had enough time to pick up a second booking, or Liverpool not been playing so terribly.

Fury 'cross the Mersey

FourFourTwo Team — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 08:32:00 GMT

The ‘Friendly Derby’? Not any more. As Neil Billingham reports, tragedy, mediocrity and financial uncertainty have made things turn nasty...

St Luke’s Church in Walton, Liverpool, is like no other in the world. Not because of the remembrance garden that has the ashes of Everton fans from places as far afield as New Zealand and Canada scattered there, or that the building is Grade One listed. Its uniqueness comes from its location – on the corner of Gwladys Street and Goodison Road, the church is as much a part of Goodison Park as the  goalposts, pitch and main stand.

Inside St Luke’s three hours before the 212th Merseyside derby, Reverend Harry Ross conducts his Sunday-morning service in front of a dozen or so elderly parishioners. Hymns are sung, lessons are read and various jovial references to the forthcoming match are made. Halfway through the service the congregation shake hands with each other: “Peace be with you.” At the end of the service, Rev Ross makes a final joke about Everton winning the derby and then concludes, “May we part with love and peace towards each other.”

While the churchgoers of St Luke’s are likely to take such sentiments to heart, supporters of Everton and Liverpool haven’t always shared that holy outlook in recent years. When The Reds and The Blues meet each other, sporadic violence, vicious chanting and bitterness are now the common themes, and the Merseyside derby is fast earning a reputation as one of the most acrimonious and unpleasant matches in English football.

It wasn’t always that way. “In the ’80s we played against each other in a few cup finals,” recalls Rev Ross. “Liverpool and Everton fans travelled down to Wembley together in coaches, cars and trains and we’d stand together on the terraces and sing ‘Merseyside, Merseyside’. We showed the world how it should be.” He pauses solemnly. “It’s a shame it’s not like that anymore.”

Having accounted for 27 league titles, 12 FA Cups, seven League Cups and nine major European trophies, Liverpool is by far the most successful city in English football. The first Merseyside derby took place in 1894 with Everton winning 3-0 at Goodison Park and up to the outbreak of World War Two, the blues had claimed five league titles to the reds' four. Both clubs suffered relegation in the ’50s before the appointment of two vastly different coaches changed the fortunes of football on Merseyside forever.

In 1959, Bill Shankly took over at Anfield and set about returning The Reds to the top flight and knocking Everton off the city's perch. “The city has two great teams,” bragged the Scotsman: “Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.”

In 1961, Everton appointed Harry Catterick, a secretive introvert from Darlington who made some astute signings and took Everton to the league title in 1963. The following season, after securing promotion in 1962, Shankly led Liverpool to the championship. He joked, “When I have nothing better to do, I look down the league table to see how Everton are getting along.” More success followed for both teams but while Liverpool continued their winning ways in the ’70s, Everton struggled as a result of Catterick’s ill health. It wasn’t until the appointment of Howard Kendall in 1981 that the good times returned to Goodison.

Shankly and Catterick both brought success to Merseyside

During the ’80s, Liverpool was a pariah city. In 1981 the worst riots in the history of mainland Britain broke out in Toxteth, unemployment was at 50 percent and the local council was at war with Thatcher’s Government. Conversely, the decade saw the city’s two clubs enjoy their most successful spells. Both won league titles, the FA Cup and European honours. But derbies weren’t always a big Scouse love-in, as John Barnes would testify: during a derby at Goodison, the Liverpool forward infamously had bananas thrown at him.

There was plenty of schadenfreude, too. Boyhood Evertonian Jamie Carragher admitted in his autobiography to “celebrating as if Everton had won the league” when Arsenal pipped Liverpool to the league title on the last day of the 1989 season. Overall, though, relations were cordial. “There was a ferocious sense of local identity,” says Rogan Taylor, head of Liverpool University’s Football Research Unit.

“It was very much a case of the city of Liverpool against the world. Unlike in some British cities there was no geographical, religious or social divide among Liverpool and Everton supporters. Families had Reds and Blues in them. There was a shared joy when the clubs were successful and after the Hillsborough disaster the closeness between the two sets of fans was at its peak.”

Hillsborough had a profound impact on the city as both sets of supporters mourned the loss of 96 loved ones. The first scarf tied to the Shankly Gates was a blue one and later a chain of red and blue scarves was linked between both stadiums across Stanley Park. Both followings also joined the citywide boycott of The Sun after its fabricated coverage of the tragedy.

In the early-’90s, though, Merseyside’s football dominance came under threat from Leeds, Arsenal and Manchester United and success became increasingly harder to come by. Liverpool’s last league title came in 1990 and, apart from the FA Cup in 1992 and League Cup in 1995, The Reds endured their first major barren patch for 20 years. Everton’s decline was even more severe, the 1995 FA Cup win a rare bright spot in a period of mediocrity and relegation battles. As Blues fans realised the glory days of the ’80s wouldn’t be returning any time soon, they began to look for explanations.

The 1985 Heysel Stadium disaster resurfaced as a major source of irritation. Thirty-nine fans died in the tragedy before Liverpool’s European Cup final against Juventus and resulted in English clubs being banned from European competition for five years. “Heysel was always at the forefront of the rivalry,” says George Orr, editor of Everton fanzine Blue Blood. “It rankled with Everton fans as it did with the other clubs that missed out, like Norwich and Wimbledon”.

The post-Heysel ban meant that Everton’s league-winning side of 1985 and 1987 never got to compete in the European Cup. Howard Kendall’s team comprised the likes of Neville Southall, Peter Reid, Kevin Sheedy, Trevor Steven and Graeme Sharp, and many Evertonians believe the side could have gone on to conquer Europe.

Everton's side of the mid-80s: denied a crack at the European Cup

Unsurprisingly, Liverpool fans aren’t so convinced. “I think that’s bullshit,” says John Pearman of Liverpool fanzine Red All Over. “Everton fans say that if it wasn’t for Heysel their team wouldn’t have broken up. But Howard Kendall left for Athletic Bilbao, who were the Spanish Norwich. Why didn’t the Liverpool team break up after Heysel?”

Rogan Taylor has a more balanced assessment. “Everton are one of the most extraordinarily unlucky clubs,” he says. “They had a magnificent team that won the league in 1939, only for Hitler to then invade Poland – and after winning the league in 1985, English clubs were banned from playing in Europe.”

After Heysel came Hillsborough, but when the unifying effect of the latter began to wear off in the early-’90s, and the performances of both teams dipped, relations started to deteriorate. The banter, jokes and songs of the ‘friendly derby’ gave way to more personal and vindictive chants, with Robbie Fowler suffering more than most.

In his autobiography, Fowler dedicates a whole chapter to the false accusations of drug-taking made by Everton fans, and describes the heartache his family had to endure during his time at Anfield. The fact that Fowler and team-mate Steve McManaman were boyhood Evertonians only added to all the friction.

As the rivalry continued, the chants became more spiteful – and both sets of supporters have been guilty. Even the ultimate taboo of Hillsborough has been breached. On April 16 2001 at Goodison Park, a minute’s silence to mark the 12th anniversary of the disaster was broken and then cut short, while chants of "Murderers, murderers" in reference to Heysel have been heard at recent derbies.

Evertonians have also sung songs about Gerard Houllier’s heart attack and the parentage of Steven Gerrard’s children. Liverpool fans have their own hall of shame, which has included songs about Joleon Lescott’s facial disfigurement due a near-fatal road accident as a child, Phil Neville’s disabled daughter and Tim Cahill’s imprisoned brother.

Verbal abuse has sometimes spilled over into violence. In 2005, 33 fans were arrested following Everton’s 2-1 defeat at Anfield and, in 2008, Phil Neville was punched and spat at while taking a throw-in at Anfield. “It’s a small minority,” says George Orr. “The press like to make out the derby is worse than it is, but  I don’t think it’s that bad.”

Fowler celebrates in typical, headline-grabbing style...

Merseyside Police beg to differ. Last year when Liverpool were drawn at home against Everton in the fourth round of the FA Cup, and with a Premier League derby scheduled six days before, matchday commander Chief Superintendent Dave Lewis decided enough was enough.

"One of the catalysts was Sol Campbell’s treatment by Spurs fans when he was playing for Portsmouth,” says Lewis, who wrote to both clubs appealing for improved relations between the fans. “We also felt that the abuse of certain players had gone a step too far. We spoke to the Crown Prosecution Service and asked them what songs are deemed offensive enough for us to make arrests.”

So, is the poisoning of the Merseyside derby a microcosm of what has happened elsewhere? “People in society are a lot more aggressive and less tolerant now,” says Lewis. “I call them the Saturday Afternoon Abuser. They turn up to the match and think normal rules don’t apply. That’s why things have got more bitter here, but it’s the same all over the country and it’s very sad.”

That said, football fans on Merseyside are still capable of overwhelming displays of respect and dignity towards each other. When 11-year-old Everton fan Rhys Jones was shot dead in Croxteth in August 2007, Liverpool was again a city in mourning. Six days later Liverpool played Toulouse at Anfield in the Champions League and, in an unprecedented move, the Everton anthem ‘Z-cars’ was played as the teams walked out. A minute’s applause followed and both teams wore black armbands. “It seems that only death unites the people of Liverpool,” says Lewis. “The city has always been that way inclined. It takes the death of a son or daughter of the city to bring people together.”

The arguments that it’s only a ‘small minority’ that sing the abusive songs seem unconvincing when entire sections of support can be heard singing in unison. Divisions of opinion between the two sets of fans are palpable and even the most right-minded are keen to emphasise the perceived chasm between the two clubs.

“I’ve always found that Everton is more of a club for the people,” says Reverend Harry Ross. “When Liverpool are playing at home you can’t get a hotel room because all the out-of-town Reds come for the match.

"When I started at this church 32 years ago, I met a young lad who had a brain tumour. He was a Liverpool fan so I tried to arrange a couple of tickets for him. I went to pick up the tickets from Anfield and they asked me to pay for them. I couldn’t believe it. If that lad was an Everton fan he would have been given the best tickets, met the players, the manager and been given food. Everton look after their people. David Moyes was right when he called Everton ‘The People’s Club’.”

Neville and Gerrard have both endured abuse from opposition fans

Such a statement is like a red rag to Red All Over editor John Pearman: “Moyes was just resurrecting what Shankly said about Liverpool. It’s true we have a global fanbase, as do all the most successful clubs in the world. But to say that more people in the city support Everton is a nonsense.”

Liverpool’s perceived arrogance has always been a source of discontent among Everton fans, none more so than when Rafael Benitez called Everton a “small team” after the derby in February 2007. “By saying Manchester United are their biggest rivals Liverpool have disrespected the derby,” says George Orr. “It’s Manchester City’s job to be the main rival of United, not Liverpool’s. Liverpool are in the same position as Everton – they haven’t won the league for a very long time but every time Liverpool do win a trophy they think they should own it for good.”

Many Everton fans also feel that Liverpool get preferential treatment from the authorities. Liverpool’s Stanley Park stadium is a major source of discontent among Toffees fans. It’s claimed that in 1997 Everton made an enquiry to Liverpool City Council to see if building a stadium on Stanley Park was viable. The council said it was a public space and couldn’t be built on, yet nine years later it approved Liverpool’s application.

It’s a claim the council denies. “We can’t accuse the council of bias because Warren Bradley [council leader] and Joe Anderson [opposition leader] are Everton season-ticket holders”, says Alfie Hinks, who was a councillor in 1997. “Maybe they think Liverpool would draw more money into the city because they play in Europe”.

In 2005, when Everton pipped Liverpool to fourth place in the Premier League, Evertonians hoped it would mean Liverpool missing out on the Champions League. But when Liverpool defeated AC Milan in Istanbul, and were then granted dispensation by UEFA to enter the following season’s competition, Everton fans despaired.

In contrast, Liverpool fans think the Toffees have a persecution neurosis. “Maybe it goes back to the Clive Thomas incident,” says John Pearman, referring to the 1977 FA Cup semi-final at Maine Road when the Welsh referee disallowed a perfectly good Everton goal against Liverpool.

Clive Thomas frustrates Everton at Maine Road in 1977

Victim mentality versus superiority complex? Maybe. But the one thing that everyone agrees on is that the humour, banter and respect between the fans and towards the players has all but vanished in the top flight’s longest continuous running derby. What used to be a unique and agreeable feature of the Merseyside derby has now been eroded and matches can be as spiteful and vitriolic as any other major rivalry.

November 29, 2009. One hour before kick-off and fans have started to arrive outside Goodison Park. Whether it’s the Merseyside weather or the recent form of both clubs, the atmosphere is noticeably subdued. Four days earlier Everton lost to Hull City, a result that put them in 16th place in the Premier League. Liverpool travelled across Stanley Park having just been knocked out of the Champions League and with only one win in their last six league matches. Rarely has the run-up to a derby been so dismal for both clubs.

As the match kicks off, it’s easy to see how the derby has changed in the past 20 years. There are no red scarves among the Evertonians and the 2,000 Liverpool fans are protected by a 40-strong ring of police and stewards. Two minutes in and the first bad challenge is made as Tim Cahill scythes down Javier Mascherano.

Referee Alan Wiley resists the temptation to produce a yellow card, but not all officials have been so lenient. Since the inception of the Premier League in 1992, 17 players have been given red cards in the Merseyside derby, more than in any other fixture. (Ed's note: in February 2010's derby, Steven Pienaar and Sotiros Kyrgiakos both joined the list.)

Five minutes have elapsed when the first abusive song is directed at Steven Gerrard. Seven minutes later and the Everton fans fall silent as Javier Mascherano’s long-range shot deflects in off Everton defender Joseph Yobo. The rest of the match is typical derby fare with lots of huffing and puffing but little quality. Everton’s efforts probably merit a goal, but when Dirk Kuyt scores from close range with 10 minutes to go, a blue tide pours through the exits.

“Going down, going down, going down” sing the Liverpool fans, but given the current financial position of both clubs, their stalled plans for new stadia and lacklustre form this season, rarely have derby bragging rights been taken with so little to brag about. “I’d love to go back to the days when finishing above Everton meant you won the league,” says John Pearman. “You could have a pint with an Everton fan, a bit of banter and a good natured argument. They were great times for the city, but sadly those days are long gone.”

This feature was originally printed in the New Year 2010 issue of FourFourTwo.

The most incredible moment of the 2005 CL Final

FourFourTwo Team — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 14:58:00 GMT

Picture the scene - AC Milan have blown a 3-0 lead to Liverpool in the Champions League final, and now trail 2-0 in the penalty shoot-out, with two spot-kicks taken apiece. Denmark forward Jon Dahl Tomasson strolls over to spot and prepares for the most important kick of his entire career.

Then this happens (watch the background)...

How on earth was this allowed to happen in such a big game? Obviously Tomasson scored, so in a way it's irrelevant, but it seems bizarre that a van (or possibly ambulance, we're split here at FFT HQ) would amble past behind the goal at the most tense point in the game.

And more importantly, how come we've not noticed it before?

The weekend's heroes & villains

James Maw — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 11:23:00 GMT

Rounding up the weekend's Premier League goodies and baddies...

HEROES

Roberto Di Matteo
Two years ago West Bromwich Albion earned plaudits for their persistence in ‘playing the game as it should be played’, even though their inability to mix it physically or be uber-direct ultimately lead to their relegation from the Premier League.

By Di Matteo’s own admission, West Brom’s philosophy is still to attack rather than defend, but this time round the Baggies look to have a little more cutting edge. Last week’s hero Peter Odemwingie is quickly finding his feet – his goal against Arsenal was his third in five Premier League matches – while at the same time also looking harder to play through at the other end. Well, at least since their trip to Chelsea...

Vincent Kompany
Carlos Tevez may have earned the headlines after scoring the only goal of a match Sky rather predictably billed the biggest of the season so far, but it was City’s rearguard action that ultimately proved the most crucial facet of a brilliant win. Central to that superb defensive performance was Belgian bruiser Kompany, who looked both assured in possession and clinical in the challenge.

Kompany, originally signed as a defensive midfielder, has forged an impressive defensive partnership with Kolo Toure, with City conceding just twice in the eight games they’ve played alongside one another so far this term.

City’s defensive frailty was ultimately what cost them a Champions League slot last season. This blossoming partnership could well prove key to a successful qualification this time round.

Robert Green
They say the key to being a top goalkeeper is recovering from your mistakes, and that’s exactly what Rob Green has done, eventually, with a sterling display to keep Spurs at bay at Upton Park.

The England international (let’s give him the benefit of the doubt on that one…) did brilliantly to deny Luka Modric and Rafael van der Vaart in the first half, and will be rightly chuffed with his first Premier League clean sheet since April. A turning point? We’ll have to wait and see.

Darren Bent
Bent scored his seventh and eighth goals in 10 matches against the Premier League’s ‘Big Four’ since joining Sunderland last summer. Those goals have been good for a not unreasonable nine points.

Emile Heskey and Michael Owen
Gerard Houllier has been back in English football less than a week and already two of his most trusted charges from his time at Liverpool have made a semi-miraculous return to goalscoring form.

Both Owen and Heskey scored with late headers to change the result in their team’s favour. Owen flicked past Jussi Jaaskelainen to earn Manchester United a point at Bolton, while Emile Heskey's neck-thrusting power-header past Marcus Hahnemann gave Villa a 2-1 win at Wolves in Houllier’s return to the Premier League.

What next? Nick Barmby to fire Hull back into the Premier League? Robbie Fowler to win Australian football’s Golden Didgeridoo award? Sander Westerveld to… nah, it probably won’t happen.

Kenwyne Jones
The £8 million Stoke forked over to Sunderland may have raised a few eyebrows , but the Trinidad and Tobago striker has now scored four goals in his last four matches to help Stoke out of the early season drop zone and up into 14th.

The big man led the line superbly again at St James’ Park and looks likely to continue to flourish in a team known for their strength from set-pieces.

VILLAINS

Stuart Attwell
Controversy seems to follow Attwell round like teenage girls follow Justin Bieber (on Twitter). While this was no ‘ghost goal’ and you can at least work out how he managed to get this one ‘wrong’, it still seems like the 27-year-old lacks the experience (or perhaps confidence) to make big decisions, or perhaps even go back on decisions already made.

By the letter of the law, it was right that the goal stood. The free kick was taken from the right place, Turner hadn’t been told by Attwell to place the ball any further back and Fernando Torres was the statutory 10 yards away. Yet there was still an element of farce about the whole affair, with Atwell seemingly looking for a way out of awarding the goal by entering prolonged discussions with his linesman.

Steven Gerrard (and Stuart Attwell, again)
The farce which lead to Liverpool’s opener wasn’t Attwell’s only faux-pas. The Warwickshire whistle-blower also failed to send off Gerrard for a blatant forearm smash into the face of Sunderland’s Danny Welbeck.

Interestingly, this wasn’t the first time Attwell has failed to send off the increasingly unpopular Liverpool skipper for flailing a limb into the head of an opponent, having failed to spot a similar offence committed unto Portsmouth’s Michael Brown in March.

Manuel Almunia
You could make a strong argument that it‘s not the Spaniard‘s fault he's not good enough and that Arsene Wenger is the bad guy for not replacing him over the summer, but there really is no legislating for the kind of error that resulted in West Brom’s second goal on Saturday.

You can just about muddle by in the Premier League on limited ability if you work hard and maintain focus and concentration, but Almunia was clearly lacking in those latter two attributes - as well as confidence - as he was unable to prevent Gonzalo Jara’s near-post shot squirming into the net. Nor was there sufficient reason for the 33-year-old to go walkabout when Chris Brunt burst into the box, allowing the ever-improving Ulsterman to square for Jerome Thomas in front of an unguarded net.

Although Almunia saved a first-half penalty, it's the least he could have done after rushing out (no, really) and clumsily hauling down Peter Odemwingie to concede the spot-kick. Arsenal fans are unlikely to be too worried that he faces a short spell on the sidelines with a elbow injury.

James Perch
Having been booked in each of the Magpies' opening five Premier League matches, the Newcastle utility man took it to the next level with a superbly taken bullet-header of an own goal. It gave Stoke a 2-1 win despite the visitors only having 35% possession (not in itself unusual for the Potters, as we told you on Friday) and one shot on target. Nice work if you can get it.

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Pomp, spanking and japery

James Maw — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 13:58:00 GMT

The weekend's heroes and villains from the Premier League…

HEROES

Dimitar Berbatov
Sunday’s win over Liverpool was the day Dimitar Berbatov has been waiting for since moving to Old Trafford just over two years ago. It was the day he finally showed the kind of complete performance he so regularly achieved at Tottenham – and in a match against one of United’s greatest rivals.

If there had been any United fans left unconvinced by the Bulgarian despite his red-hot start to the season, surely all but the most hardened pessimists will now be won over by the languid front man.

Berbatov possesses a first touch to rival that of any other in the Premier League. That combined with his newly rediscovered confidence in front of goal puts him back where he was during his Tottenham pomp as one of English football’s most feared frontmen.

Peter Odemwingie
The Nigerian forward scored his second goal for the Baggies as Roberto di Matteo’s side clinched a vital three points in a derby win over Birmingham. Having lacked a consistent goalscorer in their previous Premier League stints, West Brom may have just found a forward capable of helping them beat the drop this time round.

Also, each goal he scores makes the moronic Lokomotiv Moscow fans who displayed a racist banner following his departure from Russia look and feel even more stupid. Which can only be a good thing.

Hatem Ben Arfa
The France international and five-time Ligue 1 champion nobody has ever heard of, at least according to keen researcher Alan Shearer, made one hell of an impact on his first start in this here Premier League.

Most expected the Magpies to leave Goodison, where Manchester United were so memorably undressed last week, with any more than sore backsides (from a footballing spanking). However, thanks to a superb display and goal from French football’s latest enfant terrible, Chris Hughton’s side now have a respectable seven points from their first five Premier League matches.

Whether or not Ben Arfa will kick up a stink on Tyneside later in the season only time will tell, but if he can be kept motivated this won’t be the last time he wins a match for Newcastle this season.

Darren Bent
A lesson in not losing focus or heart, despite infrequent service. For the second time in two home matches against the team he’s now willing to admit supporting as a nipper, the Sunderland striker scored with his first and only shot of the game in the latter stages. (Thanks to Zonal Marking's Michael Cox for that interesting little stat.)

Alan Hutton
The fact it was a surprise just to see the Scotland international even named among Tottenham’s substitutes is a clear marker of how far his metaphorical star has fallen since his January 2008 move to the Lane. In fact, had youngster Kyle Walker not been out on loan at QPR, Hutton may have been even further down the pecking order.

But a first-half injury to Younes Kaboul gave the buccaneering former Rangers right-back the chance to prove his worth – and that’s exactly what he did. Hutton's valiant run led to the penalty from which Rafael van der Vaart levelled the match, before forcing the error which led to his first goal for for the club.

It’s easy to forget, or not realise, that Hutton is still only 25 and should have his best years ahead of him. Perhaps given Vedran Corluka’s less than commanding performances in these early stages of the season he has a chance to have a pretty good one at Tottenham.

VILLAINS

Arsene Wenger
To the hilarity of Arsenal fans, the Professor is famed for fielding questions about questionable decisions in the Gunners' favour by claiming "I did not see it”. Perhaps his hearing is a bit squiffy too, because it seems he didn’t catch Sunderland’s stadium announcer explain that there would be a MINIMUM of four minutes' added time at the end of the match.

It’s not like Sunderland’s late, late equaliser came two minutes beyond the four-minute mark, it was a mere 14 seconds - a period in which Wenger's team managed to cram in some notably shoddy defending.

After shoving fourth official Martin Atkinson in the back, Wenger reportedly exclaimed that "If you have a watch, you can control time.” You’re thinking of Bernard’s Watch, mate…

Marouane Fellaini
One of Fellaini’s favourite hobbies is collecting yellow cards. He's got one from most Premier League grounds - 20 from his first two seasons in England. Impressive stuff.

Despite being booked so regularly, Fellaini is yet to receive his marching orders, which is all the more surprising given he attempted to decapitate Newcastle’s Mike Williamson with his elbow on Saturday afternoon.

But justice was done, in a funny way - literally - as the be-afroed Belgian blasted wide in the dying stages when it had looked easier to find the net, and Newcastle held out to seal the win.

Lee Bowyer
The Birmingham midfielder was forced to apologise to a West Brom fan after getting involved in a heated exchange with her following his substitution at the Hawthorns on Saturday. Swearing at a grandmother in front of her seven-year-old grandson isn’t great form, although by Lee Bowyer’s standards it was something of a career highpoint.

El Hadji Diouf
A bit of textbook Dioufian japery lead to Blackburn’s opener against Fulham, as the Senegalese pantomime villain barged into Cottagers keeper Mark Schwarzer with absolutely no intention of challenging for the ball. But...

Mark Schwarzer
...for someone tipping the scales at 14 stone 7, the Australian did seem to go to ground a bit easily following Diouf’s shove. Some (including Sam Allardyce) would also claim the Cottagers' custodian was lucky to be on the pitch after a fingertip save outside the area. Ewood's not the easiest place for a visiting goalkeeper but Schwarzer rarely looked comfortable, with crosses causing chaos and punts prompting pandemonium.

With deputy David Stockdale impressing earlier in the season as Schwarzer looked Arsenal-bound, Mark Hughes might drop the Aussie. Fortunately for Fulham these errors went unpunished by either the referee or Blackburn’s strikers… Diouf was probably too busy letting the air out of the tyres of the visitors' team bus.

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The whinge-o-meter cranking Prem preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 12:46:00 GMT

Pfft, plus ca change, eh? Only four games into the new season and already the top four is made up of Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United and...uh...Blackpool.

Next year's FIFA and PES covers are going to look a bit weird at this rate. Gary Taylor-Fletcher posing athletically with Lionel Messi? Yes please!

SATURDAY

Stoke v West Ham (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5Live Radio)

Up until the dying stages of the Stoke-Villa game on Monday, this fixture looked destined to be bravo-two-zero, with both teams on nil points.

So it's a good thing for Stoke they won in such dramatic fashion against a semi-rudderless Villa (Gerard Houllier will take over after their match against Bolton), not least because they'll carry some momentum into this should-win/must-win/try-not-to-balls-it-up-if-you-can home match.

And, it must be said, Tony Pulis deserves a lot of credit. This blog is so far removed from being his biggest fan it could be facing several libel cases by winter, but arriving at half-time after mourning the passing of his mother, then inspiring his team to a last-gasp victory, is Roy of the Rovers stuff. Fair play to the man.

Right, that's it, reasonableness over. Stoke are still boring swines who are going to be relegated this season.

What won’t happen: Pulis decides the 'turning up at half-time' approach is obviously a good idea and does it again, but to the opposite effect as Stoke blow a 4-0 lead

What will happen: A dour, dour game gives West Ham their first point

Aston Villa v Bolton (3pm)

Kevin MacDonald is on a hiding to nothing here: thought by many Villa fans to have dithered over taking the job on a permanent basis and plunging the club into further uncertainty, he now signs off with a final game in charge that he really should win – any other result and he'll be even more unpopular.

Not that he's sulking much; just considering a move to another club after being "very disappointed" to lose out to Houllier. You'll be missed, Kevin, I'm sure.

What won’t happen: Bolton's last three visits to Villa Park have resulted in them taking a pounding, but even with the optimism in the dressing room over Houllier's imminent arrival, the margin shouldn't be more than a goal or two

What will happen: 2-1

Blackburn v Fulham (3pm)

Mark Hughes takes on one of his many former clubs in the hope of continuing Fulham's unbeaten run (which sounds so much better than 'winless', now they've ended a run of three straight draws thanks to a late Moussa Dembele winner against Wolves).

What a player he is. Dembele had a big fan here before the brace against Wolves – now it's close to shrine status.

Good thing for Fulham, too, given they will be without Bobby Zamora until February. Damien Duff should recover in time to play, though, and Carlos Salcido, who is absolutely terrifying when he smiles, may make his debut at left-back.

What won’t happen: Zamora to watch a replay of his injury on his TV, he claims - so no Sky Sports News over the next few months for him then

What will happen: Draw

Everton v Newcastle (3pm, 5Live Radio)

It’s Sol Campbell's birthday on Saturday (it’s also Wolves' Kevin Doyle's – guess who's older). I'm sure Sol will celebrate with a giant cake.

The hulking, skulking, permanently sulking centre back played his third game for the reserves against Chelsea on Thursday, defending against the likes of Milan Lalkovic and Jacopo Sala (Chelsea won 3-2).

That Campbell is still not yet match-fit is pathetic. It's a sorry state of affairs, really, that a player who has so regularly screwed over clubs should make so little effort to be fit for his new one.

What won’t happen: Newcastle, who haven't won in the seven visits they've made to Goodison since David Moyes took over there, bring the noise and romp to victory

What will happen: 2-1

Spurs v Wolves (3pm, Absolute Radio)

"We're not dirty," drawls Mick McCarthy in his wonderful/horrible (delete according to taste) Yorkshire brogue. A red card and 13 yellows in two league games would suggest otherwise, but as McCarthy bizarrely pleads, "I've watched the game twice now, and my concern is there wasn't a bad tackle at Fulham."

Concern? Is that really the right word, Mick?

A wobbly Tottenham, seemingly playing alternate good and bad halves at the moment, may have their own concerns about playing the team who did an unlikely double over them last season, but a bigger worry is that Rafa van der Vaart, looking impressive already, is a doubt for this game with a calf injury.

An even bigger worry must be Benoit Assou-Ekotto, who managed to clear the ball backwards to concede a throw then leave a free header for Werder Bremen's first goal. It's extraordinary how the tube-loving, football-hating Cameroonian can be brilliant one moment, appalling the next, and it must make 'Arry wonder: is it worth losing Gareth Bale's ingenuity on the left-wing to put him at full-back for the extra security?

It's a debate that splits Spurs fans down the middle like an opposition attack when Assou-Ekotto has gone walkies again.

What won’t happen: Another Wolves away win, surely

What will happen: A draw instead

West Brom v Birmingham (3pm)

One of the many Midlands derbies this season presents the Baggies with a good chance to build on their ‘shock’ draw with Tottenham. The return of Graham Dorrans will boost their spirits.

So too will their impressive defensive record post-Chelsea (two goals conceded in four games, including matches against Spurs and Liverpool) and the fact that Birmingham are likely to be missing Jean Beausejour and Kevin Phillips, who is recovering from an injury he sustained 13 years ago. That leaves the Blues with Cameron when-is-he-going-to-come-good Jerome, who has had the most shots in the league this season without scoring a goal.

What won’t happen: Jerome gets off the mark

What will happen: Jerome adds to the shots tally, and West Brom earn a draw

Sunderland v Arsenal (5.30pm, ESPN & ESPN HD, TalkSPORT Radio)

Arsene Wenger's cranked up the dial on the whinge-o-meter this week, complaining steps should be taken to protect his players (cod liver oil might be a start).

Sam Allardyce is the man who has opposed the Frenchman's statement, saying, in as many words, "Balls to that."

More accurately, the Blackburn boss has accused Wenger of using the media to manipulate referees and, to the sound of cheers from the stalls and applause from anyone on the receiving end of a Patrick Vieira tackle, reminded Wenger that Arsenal were the worst culprits for fouling back in the day when they, y'know, won things.

Allardyce or Wenger...who to choose...this blog’s going with Big Sam, because he’s right.

Luckily for Wenger's wince glands, Lee Cattermole won't be playing in this game – he's suspended. A few statistics for you Cattermole fans out there:

22 – years of age
4 – Premier League goals
5 – Premier League red cards

And that's not to mention the fact that both his red cards in the three games he's started so far this season were due to double bookings, and both in the first half. So that's four yellow cards in less than 90 minutes of football. Well done.

What won’t happen: Cattermole, who has oddly conceded only five fouls for those four yellow cards, to be captain by the end of the season

What will happen: Arsenal dominate and run out clear winners

SUNDAY

Manchester United v Liverpool (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)

This is the big game of the weekend, and it's a big test for Roy Hodgson, whose Reds have made a stuttering start to the season.

On the plus side, they played a very good second half against Steaua Bucharest and this is the end of a nightmare opening handful of fixtures that's already seen them have to face Arsenal and Manchester City, and travel to St Andrews.

Perhaps top of their list of priorities will be to keep everyone injury-free – something Manchester United, already frustrated by a disciplined Rangers in midweek, wouldn't mind either following that horrific injury to Antonio Valencia. Good of The Sun to blow that up to A4 size and show it on the back page, by the way.

It was good of five, too, to provide a quiz teaser in their Europa League coverage in case it was a dull game, which they must have expected after Joe Cole scored in the first 30 seconds. Anything to distract from the horror prospect of Jim Rosenthal and Stan Collymore together in a studio.

What won’t happen: The Rosenthal and Collymore nightmares to go away any time soon.

What will happen: Both teams struggle to find rhythm, and it's a draw

Wigan v Manchester City (3pm, 5Live Radio)

The Latics’ home record against City is surprisingly good: won three, drawn two, scored 12. It would be one hell of an achievement if they managed to extend that unbeaten run.

It’s pretty pointless mentioning who City are missing through injury, as their squad is so big (you can see it from space, you know) that they will almost always have someone of similar talent to fill the gap. So with Balotelli, Kolarov and Michael Johnson out, Tevez, Lescott and Milner are all as assured of games as you can be at Manchester City.

What won’t happen: Any of Tevez, Lescott and Milner to play now

What will happen: Away win

Chelsea v Blackpool (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5Live Radio (second half only))

A groveling apology: last week this blog arbitrarily dismissed Matt Gilks, a man who almost retired from football not that long ago, as not being good enough for the Premier League.

Against Newcastle, he provided the best retaliation by playing a blinder. No hesitation here in admitting a bad, and lazy, call.

Now if you really want to impress us, Matt, keep a clean sheet here. At Stamford Bridge. Against a team averaging more than four goals a game. Go on. You can do it.

What won’t happen: Gilks to keep a clean sheet. Nothing personal, like

What will happen: Chances are Sky chose to air this fixture in hope of a 12-0 drubbing or suchlike, but Blackpool deserve their current standing of fourth. Still a home win to nil though.

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Keepers, clangers & bath tiles

James Maw — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 10:28:00 GMT

The weekend's heroes and villains from the Premier League...

HEROES

Matthew Gilks
Far from being everybody’s b*tch, Blackpool have made a solid start to their debut Premier League season, securing seven points and making the popular pre-season theory that they may break the Premier League points record look very silly indeed.

Key to their triumph at St James’ Park on Saturday was the goalkeeping display of Gilks, who superbly denied Joey Barton, Peter Lovenkrands and Andy Carroll to frustrate the home team, not to mention the home crowd.

The newly Scottishised 28-year-old will face many even busier afternoons than Saturday between now and May, but with two away clean sheets already, this may not be the last time he causes moans and groans from opposition fans this season. Not bad for a player who two years ago had to get first team football by going on loan to League Two Shrewsbury.

Pepe Reina
Gilks wasn’t the only top flight gloveman excelling on the road this weekend. Having endured a fairly inauspicious start to the season, Barça-shirt-wielding maniac Pepe Reina recovered to almost single-handedly (not literally, even he isn't that good) earn the Reds a point at St Andrew's.

A string of fine, acrobatic saves, particularly in the first half denied Birmingham the win they probably deserved, and with compatriot Fernando Torres clearly lacking sharpness at the other end, Reina may be required to put in more performances such as this for Roy Hodgson’s side to pick up points at what they would consider an acceptable rate.

Scott Dann and Roger Johnson
Having said Torres lacks sharpness, it’s worth mentioning that Brum’s defensive duo were once again in imperious form to keep the Anfield side - and Torres at particular - at bay.

Sunday’s draw extended Birmingham’s unbeaten home record to 18 in all competitions, during which time Alex McLeish’s side have conceded just 10 goals. With England centre-backs currently dropping like flies, an international call-up for one or other of the Blues duo may well be a possibility in the coming months.

Tim Cahill
What was perhaps most puzzling about Everton’s amazing 3-3 draw with Manchester United was that the Toffees managed to score three times without a single striker on the pitch for the entire game, especially considering United had five recognised defenders in their number.

Cahill was, as usual, the embodiment of the never-say-die spirit in David Moyes’ side, and started upfront alongside Marouane Fellaini - hardly the archetypal little and large strike partnership, but Everton’s problems were largely at the other end (we’ll come back to that in a bit).

Paul Robinson
While some felt his international retirement may have smacked of sour grapes, the Rovers keeper has rediscovered his top form over the last 12 months. It’s just a shame it took him so long to recover from the high-profile mistakes he made for club and country in 2007/08.

Inevitable, then, that Robinson put in an all but faultless display at Eastlands while current golden boy and England No.1 Joe Hart conceded thanks to one of the most bizarre rushes of blood to the head to ever grace the Premier League.

Naturally, it would be madness to suggest Robinson should replace Hart as England’s main man, but a continuation of this form could see Fabio Capello consider trying to coax another stubborn sort back out of international retirement.

Asamoah Gyan
If you're the record signing of your new club, and your transfer dragged out to the dying minutes of the transfer window, causing your new manager and chairman no little stress, it's advisable to be prompt in making an impact. Well done to Asamoah Gyan, then, for convincing Steve Bruce and Niall Quinn that months of wrangling and haggling were worthwhile, with a brilliantly taken debut goal at Wigan.

A word too for Jordan Henderson, who teed up the Ghanaian with a superb cross from deep on the right and put in a performance so impressive that team-mate Darren Bent wondered aloud whether he would Sunderland's next England call-up.

Tomas Rosicky
The midfielder has been involved in all four of the Gunners’ matches so far this season - starting in both of Arsene Wenger’s side’s empathic home wins. Sadly, you worry that with his and Arsenal’s injury record, it’s probably due to go wrong any time now.

Arsenal completed 463 passes in Saturday’s 4-1 win over Bolton, 296 more than the Trotters could manage. This long-range, outside-of-the-boot defence-splitter from the Czech ace was quite possibly the best.

VILLAINS

Lee Cattermole
There can’t be a man alive with more knowledge of the tiling of Premier League changing rooms. Not because he used to work part-time at Wickes to make ends meet when he was at Wigan (it was actually B&Q), but because he presumably regularly spends extended periods of Saturday afternoons staring at them.

You can tell you need to calm down a bit when Steve Bruce winces as you tackle. A second early bath of the season means that Cattermole, who had been tipped to progress from England U21 to full honours, is currently looking more likely to be forced to retire thanks to shrivelled-up feet – too long in the bath, you see...

Karl Henry
While the Wolves midfielder’s tackle on Bobby Zamora wasn’t as aggressive and clearly intentional as some of the tough love he was doling out to Joey Barton two weeks back, it was still pretty reckless.

The 27-year-old threw himself in at a ridiculous angle from which he could never realistically expect to win the ball, at least not without taking a substantial chunk of Zamora with him, given his momentum.

Clint Dempsey was among the Fulham players who felt Wolves had been slightly over-zealous in the tackle throughout the match, with Henry claiming the American had accused him of going out to 'do’ Zamora. With Barton’s bruises probably still blue, Henry then had the cheek to claim that he “would never go out to hurt anyone.”

Prediction: Arsene Wenger to quite reasonably bring this all up the week before Arsenal play Wolves.

Manchester United and Everton defenders
It would be very Hansenesque to focus on the negatives of such a compelling match, so we’ll keep our advice brief.
Things to do: Put some kind of pressure on opposition players adept at crossing the ball when they’re in acres of space in a wide position in the final third.
Things not to do: Attempt at overhead kick in your own half that, should you fail to pull it off, will see an opponent through on goal. Or go careering up the pitch in an attempt to win a loose ball you’ve got no chance of making, only to leave your defensive partner sat 30 yards behind with no cover, playing the world and his wife onside.

Robert Green & Matthew Upson
This really feels like kicking two men while they’re down, down, down, but it’s impossible to overlook the slapstick japery which lead to Chelsea’s second goal at Upton Park. Green’s fumble from a tame Didier Drogba free-kick was only half-cleared by a stumbling Upson. Half-cleared, that is, straight onto the head of Salomon Kalou and then straight back over Green’s head and into the net.

Frederic Piquionne & Mauro Boselli
Yes, that’s right, West Ham again - but also Wigan, so it’s not bullying. Three weeks back we were blessed with a double header of amazing misses, the likes of which it was hard to imagine being surpassed in the Big League this season. That was until Piquionne and Boselli both managed to miss the target with headers practically underneath the crossbar, possibly directly underneath in Piquionne’s case.

The one saving grace for the Frenchman is that he was offside anyway, although it won’t have filled West Ham’s fans with much confidence for the coming season. It could be a long one.

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Heroes & Villains: A tale of two Joes

James Maw — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 07:30:00 GMT

We take a look at the best and the worst of the action from the opening round of Premier League matches (bar the one that hasn't been played yet, obviously...)

Heroes of Round 1

Joe Hart, Manchester City

Hooray, pip and huzzah - an Englishman who is actually capable of this goalkeeping lark. Shay Given looked helplessly on as the rookie stopper denied Spurs their traditional three point ‘haul’ against the men from Eastlands, giving credence to Roberto Mancini’s decision to drop the Irishman.

His trio of brilliant saves from Defoe, Huddlestone and Assou-Ekotto showed the kind of quick reflexes, tidy footwork and great athleticism required to keep goal at the very highest level. But Match of the Day commentator Jonathan Pearce’s assertion that Hart was “surely England’s No.1 for many years to come” is probably still a tad premature. Have we not been here before (see Scott Carson, Robert Green and Chris Kirland in the villains section…)?

Didier Drogba, Chelsea

According to the Ivorian, he’s now fully fit for the first time in the six years he’s been playing in England, having undergone groin surgery over the summer. Pre-surgery Premier League goalscoring record: one goal every 1.976 games; Post-surgery Premier League goalscoring record: three goals every one game. You can’t argue with the stats…some of the pre-surgery games may not have been against West Brom, though.

Marc Albrighton, Aston Villa

James who? Oh, James Milner - the bloke who scored Villa’s third goal, was the club’s Player of the Year last season and is subject of ongoing interest from Manchester City...

Well, anyway, Albrighton will go a long way to appeasing Villa’s presumably concerned fans if he can continue to put in the kind of energetic and dynamic display that saw him take all the plaudits after Saturday’s timely win.

The 20-year-old winger was a nuisance on both flanks, was involved in Villa’s first two goals and teed up the first for Milner to slot home. Not bad for a first Premier League start.

Samir Nasri, Arsenal

With Cesc Fabregas missing, albeit only through illness for the time being, the French playmaker really stepped up to the plate at Anfield, and was constantly involved as the Gunners looked largely in control of proceedings, despite trailing for most of the second half.

Nasri completed more passes than any other player on the pitch, and also showed some nimble footwork and a willingness to take on defenders when one or two of those around him (mentioning no names - Andre Arshavin) didn’t look too keen to get involved.

Marlon Harewood, Blackpool

Considering he‘s generally considered a low-rent Emile Heskey, right down to his sorrowful, doe-eyed and slightly perplexed expression - some might think Harewood has done well just to find a Premier League club to pay his wages for 12 months.

Granted, Stan Mortensen, Stanley Matthews or Jimmy Armfield he aint, but two goals and an assist in the first 45 minutes of the Seasiders’ Premier League debut will probably secure his place in the club’s folklore for time immemorial.

Ian Holloway, Blackpool

Oh, don’t pretend you’re not happy for him! He worked a near miracle in getting Blackpool promoted and deserves to be taken seriously as a manager, rather than as a wacky sideshow to the ‘serious business’ of the Premier League.

Perhaps unexpectedly understated in the wake of his team’s victory, Holloway made it clear that there is a long way to go before they can even begin to ponder safety. Arsenal away next week is likely to be a much sterner test.

Mark Halsey, Referee (Wigan v Blackpool)

With football losing Exeter’s Adam Stansfield to cancer this week, referee Mark Halsey’s return to the game after a prolonged fight with the same disease was both welcome and timely.

Ian Holloway probably put it best: "To me, this [football] is not stress, this is not pressure, this is not anything. I'm lucky to do it. And I keep stressing that to my players. They are privileged to be on that grass and if I can keep their feet on the ground then anything is possible. What have we got to moan about? Mark's challenges are real. They are totally and utterly real and as long as I can keep [the players] focused on that, that is more important than anything. I'm delighted for him because that's what real struggle is. Realising you might not be here soon and needing treatment to make you better – that is real."

Villains of Round 1

Joe Cole, Liverpool

Many expected Cole to make an immediate impact at Anfield, although few could have expected that impact to be on Laurent Koscielny‘s shin.

“He’s not that kind of player” testified anybody within mumbling distance of a microphone, defending the England midfielder against non-existent accusations of malice.

In any case, it’s irrelevant. It was reckless and poorly timed and Martin Atkinson made the right call, despite Liverpool fans’ protestations.

Lee Cattermole, Sunderland

There’s a semi-popular theory that, if he can keep playing regular Premier League football, Cattermole will be an England player sooner rather than later. Well his red card against Birmingham - his fourth in his last 53 Premier League outings - will deny him of at least 135 minutes of the stuff.

His unpunished elbow on Garry O’Conner in the early stages left the Scotsman needing half his skull glued back on, before a petulant tug on Cameron Jerome and rash challenge on Lee Bowyer saw the Sunderland scrapper deservedly sent to the naughty step to think about what he’d done.

Sadly, the problem with Cattermole is that thinking is something he doesn’t do enough of…

Stephen Carr, Birmingham City

If you rock up to the Stadium of Light as a former Newcastle United player, you know you’re going to be in for a rough time of it, but the Irish right back couldn’t have imagined what a torrid afternoon he’d have.

The former Spurs man clumsily brought down Frazer Campbell to hand Sunderland an early penalty - despatched by Darren Bent - before scoring a not entirely un-hilarious own goal, looping a 20-yard header back over the top of his own keeper, Ben Foster.

Carr’s calamitous double saw him become only the second player in the last seven seasons to score an own goal and concede a penalty in the same Premier League match - Kamil Zayatte was the other against Everton last season (thanks to OptaJoe for that one!).

(Most) Premier League goalkeepers

This was honestly easier than listing them all individually. Bar one or two exceptions (most notably Joe Hart, as mentioned above), it was a rotten weekend for the league’s net tenders.

Scott Carson, Chris Kirkland, Manuel Almunia, Robert Green and perhaps most surprisingly Tim Howard and Pepe Reina were all culpable for goals conceded by their respective teams over the weekend. Must be the altitude, or something…

Howard let the ball squirm out of his arms like a bar of soap in the shower (calm down, that’s not where this is going…), with Blackburn’s Nikola Kalanic reacting quickest to poke home.

His Merseyside rival’s error was even more bizarre, with Reina seemingly collecting a Marouane Chamakh header via the crossbar, only to bundle it over the line himself under the power of his own steam. The word ‘karma’ has been used heavily by Arsenal fans still seething from the little Spaniard’s Cesc Fabregas/Barca shirt shenanigans. Although presumably not before the word ‘lol’.

Jamie Redknapp, Sky Sports

This could fast become a common theme in this blog.

The tight-trousered tyke was quick to warn any over-expectant Liverpool fans that Roy Hodgson literally isn’t a miracle worker, and literally won’t be able to quickly alleviate the gloom at Anfield overnight.

Fair enough, you might think, except Redknapp literally went on to literally explain that “Roy won’t have worked with top players before.”

This is the same Roy Hodgson who literally managed the likes of Javier Zanetti, Ivan Zamorano and Youri Djorkaeff during his two years in charge of Inter.

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New season, new magazine!

FourFourTwo Team — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 12:41:00 GMT

The 2010/11 season is underway, and as ever FourFourTwo is here to help you get your head round it all, with the September issue out now…

It being the start of the season and all, there seems no better time for us to unleash our fabled Season Preview supplement. Each of the 104 teams in the Premier League, Football League and SPL are analysed by a fan, a club legend and us. It also features all the key dates and fixtures for your club, as well as loads of statistics and odds from our friends at Paddy Power.

Unlike some other publications, we aren’t on a permanent downer about football - we ruddy love it! Therefore we give you 78 reasons this season will be great, including Harry Redknapp (and Spurs) in the Champions League, Rafa’s quest to outdo Jose at Inter, Everton’s new pink strip, oodles of new imports to the Premier League and St Pauli’s return to the Bundesliga.

But it’s not all fun and games, of course. The brilliant David Conn examines the mess Hicks and Gillett have made at Liverpool and tries to work out what could happen next - could they be the new Leeds?

We also chew the fat with some of the big-hitters at Manchester City, with manager Roberto Mancini, keeper Shay Given, winger Adam Johnson and front man Emmanuel Adebayor all exclusively sharing their views on the coming campaign.

Former Arsenal and France hero Robert Pires answers your questions – Bobby tell us why he nearly packed in football at 15, what was going through his and Thierry Henry’s minds when they took that penalty against Man City, and how it felt to be hauled off after 18 minutes of the Champions League final.

But wait, there’s more – we assess England’s 2018 World Cup bid, welcome Stevenage to the Football League, meet football’s Facebook stalker and try and work out why so many top managers didn't reach anywhere near the same highs as players.

And as if that wasn’t enough, we also have exclusive interviews with… David Elleray, Keith Wood, Jay Emmanuel-Thomas, Charlie Nicholas, Harry Redknapp, Jack Rodwell, Javier Hernandez, Gareth Bale, Marouane Chamakh, Slash, Danny Wilson, Lord Coe, Ian Broudie, Lawrence Dallaglio, Steve Cram, Ricky Hatton, Sharron Davies, David Ginola, Howard Wilkinson, Ian Holloway, Norman Hunter, Andrew Cole, Jasper Carrot, Laurent Blanc, Marco Materazzi, Kevin Keegan and Jamie Redknapp.

Ooh, that sounds so good I'd like to subscribe please

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The Neighbours-watching, dead-rubbering, Mourinho-insulting Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 10:29:00 GMT

The dream continues for Fulham; the nightmare continues for Liverpool.

Yet another overcoming of the odds has given Roy Hodgson’s men a bona fide European final. In fact, their dream has lasted so long now – their first game in this Europa League campaign was exactly nine months ago – that it’s more like the dreams of a coma patient. But in a good way.

As for Liverpool, well…it was never going to be a good season but this is the final kick in the delicate parts that sees a once proud club keel over in the gutter spewing bile.

But for the neutrals, Atletico Madrid’s victory was a perfect result. Apart from Liverpool fans and passionate Anglophiles, no one really wanted to see a Fulham-Liverpool final: the Cottagers have earned the right to some exotic fixtures and playing a team they see twice a year anyway would have been a bit of a let-down. Especially since Sod’s Law says they’d have lost.

And so Fulham will take on the might of Atletico for the chance of a first major title EVER. It’s enough to make the plots of Aussie bastion of quality Neighbours, not at all on in the background at the time of writing, seem realistic.

All in all, simultaneously watching Fulham-Hamburg and the leaders’ debate while also monitoring Liverpool-Atletico and tweeting more than 120 times on all three has made the Thursday evening that sees this blog begin to take shape a little bit – hang on, Karl Kennedy seems to be having a heart attack....

Saturday

Birmingham vs Burnley

Well, some relegation battle that ended up being.

The problem with this stage of the season is that you get quite a few dead rubbers. Sure, the title race is very close and the battle for the final Champions League place is exciting for a change, but three teams being officially relegated (well, unless Hull win both their games 6-0 and West Ham lose both theirs by the same margin) means there are some pretty pointless games ahead.

Here’s one. Burnley are relegated; Birmingham are 10 points adrift of eighth and three points ahead of closest rivals Sunderland and Blackburn, who play Manchester United and Arsenal this weekend.

Basically, they’ve finished ninth – and fair play to them. But it does mean this game loses a bit of edge.

What won’t happen: A full-strength encounter. Clarke Carlisle and Chris McCann are unlikely to feature for the visitors; Scott Dann and Stephen Carr will be missing for the Blues

What will happen: Carr probably will be brought to rights by the West Midlands Police for making an offensive gesture at Aston Villa fans, because it’s obviously a very important crime that they should spend their valuable time investigating.

Manchester City vs Aston Villa

Massive game, this, and one that Spurs fans will have mixed feelings about. They certainly don’t want to see City win but a Villa victory could be just as damaging, and even a draw could put Spurs temporarily sixth. If it’s possible for both teams to take zero points from the game, now’s the time.

City will be boosted by the emergency loan arrival of Márton Fülöp, though the Hungarian has the worst save ratio (56%) of all goalkeepers to have played at least five Premier League games this season.

This must be a strange league loophole: yes, you can have an emergency ‘keeper EVEN THOUGH IT IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR but only if you have statistically the worst one in the league.

It’s a touch harsh on Faroe Islands international Gunnar Nielsen, at any rate. He has an 100% clean sheet record for goodness sake...!

Cue a series of blinding saves from the Hungarian.

What won’t happen: Martin O’Neill’s blood pressure won’t be lowered by this decision. He’s already expressed his annoyance

What will happen: Home win demolishes Villa’s hopes of fourth

Portsmouth vs Wolves

Another dead rubber does at least present Mick McCarthy’s side with the chance of scoring some damned goals.

Sylvan Ebanks-Blake’s successful strike against Blackburn last week was Wolves’ first in five games, taking their home tally to 11 goals in 18 games. Crikey. Lou Bega was more prolific.

So, how do you evaluate the seasons for these two teams? For Wolves, it’s been a quiet triumph: survival for the first time in a Premier League season.

Portsmouth…well, there it gets a little complicated. Even just looking at their success on the pitch gives a tale of two halves: in one, an FA Cup final and in the other, the reminder they’d still be bottom even if they hadn’t been deducted points.

What won’t happen: Wolves, fined £25,000 earlier this season for fielding a weakened team, have asked the Premier League to clarify its extremely muddy and inconsistent rules on team selection. Good luck with that

What will happen: Wolves fail to improve next season and find themselves right in the relegation mixer. Sorry…

Stoke vs Everton

It’s been such a good season for Stoke that it would be a shame for them to finish as low as 13th now. You imagine Tony Pulis would feel the same way, were it not for the fact he’s currently trying to stop a civil war in his dressing room. Well, not his dressing room. The players’ dressing room. Unless…never mind.

In the way all skilled media managers do, Pulis reacted to reports of player unrest not by dismissing them as untrue or calling the affair an internal matter, but angrily demanding, “Who told you that?”

The Welshman seemed surprised that the media found out about Abby Faye and Glenn Whelan’s bust-up – despite the obvious conclusion that it’s simply too good a story not to share – and has announced himself “desperately disappointed” that he doesn’t know who is responsible for the leak, although the 7-0 defeat at Stamford Bridge would suggest it’s probably his defence.

Oh, and Whelan: Pick your battles.

Actually, don’t: it would be amazing for stories such as this to keep coming just so we can read the very official-sounding statements of Stoke’s backroom staff in The Guardian.

“The Irishman reiterated that he had been unimpressed with the Senegalese’s attitude before the game and in training, and Faye responded by, in the words of a club source, ‘belting him in the face’.”

What won’t happen: Pulis engages in some more naked wrestling with his players. Ugh, that mental image has just come flooding back

What will happen: More rumours to fly around like Tony’s tackle in a shower room grapple. Argh, mental image! Mental image!

Spurs vs Bolton

Tottenham’s destiny is in their own hands now, which is why they’ll lose this match 2-0.

What won’t happen: Ledley King’s legs to fall off to make Fabio Capello’s selection job a little easier

What will happen: 0-2. Seriously

Sunday

Fulham vs West Ham

It’s apt these two should play each other: un-shut-up-able West Ham co-owner David Gold recently admitted it was wrong to complain about Fulham fielding a weakened line-up against the Hammers’ erstwhile relegation rivals, Hull, last month.

Oddly, this admission comes only now Hull are relegated anyway and West Ham are safe. Huh. Probably a coincidence.

Now Fulham and West Ham meet, and it’d be nice for the Cottagers to win just to shut Gold up, really. He’s like Prince Philip without the old-fashioned British reserve.

Oh, and Fulham won quite an important game midweek, or something.

What won’t happen: A Three Stooges remake featuring Gold, Sullivan and Zola, even though it clearly should

What will happen: Let’s face it: neither team gives two hoots about this game, do they? Away win low on entertainment and high on futility

Liverpool vs Chelsea

It’s been a long time since Sky Sports would have been worried about the BBC taking their viewers, but Championship relegation play-off Crystal Palace-Sheffield Wednesday on BBC1 is massive (it’s certainly what your correspondent will be watching, in a flagrant disregard of his Premier League blogging duties).

It’s a good thing the snooker sessions are either side of this match at Anfield: the BBC would be taking Sky’s viewers wholesale. After all, it’s not like this match really means anything, is it?

Balls. Although once upon a time – last season, in fact – Liverpool vs Chelsea in the penultimate game of the season could be a title play-off, it’s now a mere title decider, with the Reds envious onlookers.

There are even rumours that Liverpool will effectively down tools to stop arch-rivals United winning the league but that’s rubbish.

Besides, it’s not like they even have to try: their squad is weak enough to lose without intention. Against Atletico they had to play Babel up front and replaced goalscorers Alberto Aquilani – yes, he really scored – and Yossi Benayoun with Nabil El Zhar and Daniel Pacheco.

All right, stop laughing.

What won’t happen: Liverpool deliberately throw it (though they do lose)

What will happen: A deflated Benitez wanders off within the year, blaming a lack of transfer funds. Just to remind: perma-sub Aquilani was bought for £17 million and Rafa refused to pay £8m for Dani Alves but three years later bought Glen Johnson for £18m. Lack of funds, football’s collective *rse.

Sunderland vs Manchester United

Sunderland actually have an aim as this season ends: they could finish in the top half of the Premier League for the first time in nine years.

Darren ’25 goals in my first season’ Bent has to take some of the praise for their achievement this season, although the BBC’s comparisons between him and the likes of Brian Clough and Len Shackleton may be a little premature.

With a win, Steve Bruce could ruin his hero Sir Alex Ferguson’s chances of a twelfth Premier League title, but will he want to do that? Of course – your current club comes first and those heady days at Manchester United were a long time ago now. A long, long time ago…

What won’t happen: Wayne Rooney won’t celebrate his two PFA and Football Writers’ Association Player of the Year awards with a hat-trick, because he’s DEAD...or injured, or something. He’ll probably be fine.

What will happen: Away win

Monday

Blackburn vs Arsenal

It’s England’s very own Inter Milan versus Barcelona! Guess which team is which.

What won’t happen: Harsher words on Jose Mourinho in any Barcelona-favouring newspaper. There are insults and there are insults, but comparing him to Big Sam, well

What will happen: Blackburn 0, Arsenal 2. In red cards: Blackburn 2, Arsenal 1

Wigan vs Hull

Strangely, this deadest of dead rubbers could actually provide some real entertainment. Here you have two teams who struggle to defend and who are both keen to beat relatively poor opposition and finish the season on a high.

Expect some ambitious but ultimately inept attacking play.

What won’t happen: Roberto Martinez to be awarded Manager of the Year, with Iain ‘Three home defeats including 4-1 to Burnley’ Dowie taking Manager of the Month

What will happen: Wigan 7, Hull 6 (that’s the score, not the attendance) Put your house on this.

The knee-sliding, road-tripping, ape-confusing Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 09:30:00 GMT

The BBC has tried to name their own 23-man World Cup squad by unveiling THE LARGEST COVERAGE TEAM EVER.

Joining the merry band of Gary Lineker, Mark Lawrenson, Mark Bright, Lee Dixon, Mick McCarthy (argh), Alan Shearer (ARGH), Alan Hansen, Martin Keown and Colin Murray – not forgetting the radio team of Graham Taylor, Chris Waddle, Robbie Savage, David Moyes and Danny Mills – will be four new faces.

First up, Gordon Strachan: an excellent acquisition. Then Jurgen Klinsmann (good), Clarence Seedorf (good) and Emmanuel Adebayor (good God).

Seriously, Adebayor as a pundit? And there we were thinking not having to put up with the knee—sliding fool’s mood swings for a month or so was an advantage of Togo not qualifying.

Saturday

Arsenal vs Manchester City

Speaking of Adebayor, the recently-retired-from-international-football striker has been told by the FA to “show more intelligence” when he returns to the Emirates this weekend.

Amazingly, they’re not talking about his play on the ball.

Meanwhile, Roberto Mancini has shown an impressive lack of knowledge of his team’s heritage, pointing towards a potential Top Five next season and calling this year's run-in "the most important in the club's history."

Uh...they have won titles, Roberto. Two top-tier league titles, four FA Cups and a European Cup Winners' Cup, to be precise. The older fans won't be happy to suggest finishing fourth, some 15 points off the top, would be the club's biggest achievement.

What Won’t Happen: Adebayor runs the length of the pitch after scoring to celebrate in front of the people who once paid his wages and treated him as one of their own, then stamps on his old team mate. Come on, no one is that much of a ‘character’...

What Will Happen: Ade does lose the plot a bit, but City take home an important point

Bolton vs Portsmouth

Upon hearing Portsmouth's debts are now £120 million – it sounds a lot but remember that's only what Real Madrid paid for Cristiano Ronaldo and half again – this blog decided to take a quick look at their finances.

That you can simply download a form documenting every individual debt, signed by Andrew Andronikou's hand, is extraordinary. It's almost as surreal as seeing perfectly normal debts within. You get used to seeing a football club as an otherworldly entity – then you see they owe money to their landlady, bank and Sky TV, just like the rest of us.

Not to mention £308.50 in ‘ransom payments'. What the hell is that about?

Still, the one that intrigues this blog most is that in all this openness and truth-telling, with every penny pored over with a fine-tooth comb, there remains £21.50 filed under ‘Miscellaneous'.

£21.50. They really might as well just say what it is. But they haven't, which suggests there's something there they don't want us to know…hmm. Interesting.

What Won’t Happen: It turns out said £21.50 was infact money spent by Peter Storrie on magic beans.

What Will Happen: Bolton put themselves mathematically safe

Hull vs Sunderland

As mentioned before by Hull chairman Adam Pearson, the Tigers’ finances are in quite a stunning state of disarray.

Pearson has again blamed former chairman Paul Duffen for creating a ‘doomsday scenario’, gambling on Hull staying up to also stay financially afloat.

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. This blog spies another Portsmouth on the horizon.

It’s still nothing compared to their goal difference though. Their minus 40 haul – worse than Burnley, who have conceded more goals away from home than any Premier League team before them – means finishing level on points just isn't an option.

A win here is absolutely vital, and they also have to hope West Ham slip up at home to erstwhile relegation battlers Wigan.

What Won’t Happen: A team battling relegation shows some economic sense?

What Will Happen: Hull record one of the most important results of their two Premier League seasons to delay the inevitable

Manchester United vs Spurs

After amazing results against Arsenal and Chelsea, can Spurs do it again? If not, they've basically handed the title to United. And let this blog say it again: United will win the title.

If that is the case, Paddy Power are going to regret paying out already on Chelsea to win the title. If the Blues don't lift that trophy, the Irish bookmakers stand to lose around half a million. Ouch.

What Won’t Happen: The run-up to a big match passes without United being linked with signing their opponents’ most in-form player by Fergie’s chums in the press.

What Will Happen: A great game but no, Spurs can't do it again. They do nab a draw though

West Ham vs Wigan

This, right now, is West Ham's chance to practically guarantee safety.

If they win this and Hull lose to Sunderland, it'll take tsunamis and 20-nil defeats to send them down, such is the Tigers' woeful goal difference. If they win this and Hull win too, they're still looking pretty safe.

But remembering their far from impressive performance against Liverpool – it just won't erase from memory, damn it – it's unlikely they're going to put on a master class here.

Wigan have to cope with the recent news about Charles N'Zogbia, which will basically entail them trying not to double over laughing. King N'Zog was arrested over allegations someone else filled in the written part of his driving test. Rock. And. Roll.

What's going on? First El-Hadji Diouf is caught driving without insurance and now this. Where have all the drunk-driving-150-mph-in-a-cul-de-sac speeding footballers gone?

(This blog does not endorse driving dangerously).

N'Zogbia could, let's not forget, still play for England. He's eligible. He's also eligible for France, of course, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

If Capello spurns him, France could do a lot worse – and what's stopping him giving the Africa Cup of Nations a go? Lomana LuaLua plays for Congo DR, as does West Ham's Hérita Ilunga and, uh, Serge Makofo of Rhyl FC.

But what about Congo DR’s Shabani Nonda? Remember him? The 33-year-old ex-Blackburn player is currently a free agent after being released by Galatasaray. Here are some stats: 38 goals in 91 games for Gala, 57 in 115 for AS Monaco before that and 32 international goals in just 49 matches. That's really not bad.

It's amazing West Ham haven't added him to their legion of slow, ageing strikers.

What Won’t Happen: It’s been said before, but what won't happen is a longer non-preview than that this season

What Will Happen: Away win

Wolves vs Blackburn

This blog happens to like Wolves (Mick McCarthy's commentary career aside), but you can't say they’re staying up with style.

Three goalless draws in four games – the other was a 1-0 defeat to Arsenal – has seen them claw towards the finish line and safety like a legless (not drunk, you understand) man in a warzone. It's not been pretty, but it's done the trick.

Still, after four games without a goal, the Molineux faithful are in serious danger of collective suicide. Their beloved club's last match against Fulham set a Premier League record for fewest shots on target: one. And that was in the 89th minute. Talk about patience – that level of boredom is enough to make a grown man cry.

What Won’t Happen: Well, this isn't exactly going to be a thriller either, is it?

What Will Happen: Oh God, it really is going to be another 0-0

Sunday

Aston Villa vs Birmingham

This is a big derby for Villa; less so for Brum, with nothing to play for but pride. Expect an unusually quiet game.

Unrelated Shoehorned-in European Observation of the Week: Ajax's defence in the Dutch league is mental. That's 17 home games now and four goals conceded. Their goal difference is +83. EIGHTY-THREE.

It's a wonder visiting teams turn up.

What Won’t Happen: Unrelated Shoehorned-In European Observation of the Week to be back next week

What Will Happen: Brum play with the fire in their bellies that's been lacking of late, but Villa's charge for fourth remains on course

Burnley vs Liverpool

It's a bit of a dull relegation run-in now, which is such a shame after it looked like it was going to be so close. But no: Burnley and Hull are almost certainly down d-down down.

A loss in this match virtually rules out a Clarets survival; indeed, if they lose and West Ham win, Burnley are mathematically relegated. And that's the worst kind of relegation.

On the contrary, Liverpool are starting to have a few things go their way. The lack of any Premier League presence in the Champions League semi-finals means the Reds' absence from the knockouts goes down as a part of a collective English failure and not one specific to Merseyside – Rafa is now some kind of pioneer.

And Portsmouth being denied a Europa League place next season means that every one of the four teams challenging for a Champions League spot will at least play in Europe next year – and if Liverpool have a run as good as this year, that's not a disaster.

Reasons to be cheerful? Well, they just lost 1-0 to Atletico Madrid. Make up your own mind.

What Won’t Happen: Burnley's survival starts here

What Will Happen: A tired Liverpool limp to victory

Chelsea vs Stoke

There's no John Terry for Chelsea, but that's not actually much of a loss. He was bloody dreadful against Tottenham; like a confused, naked ape blundering around a garden maze.

When he looked stunned after each booking, it wasn't with the referee but his own catastrophic performance.

So Terry's absence is possibly the good news for Chelsea; the bad news is that John Obi Mikel is a doubt (well, we knew that already) and so is Didier Drogba. Unhappy times.

What Won’t Happen: Anyone to notice how weak England's central defence is. Rio 'n' Terry aren't rock solid any more and Upson doesn't look up to it. Michael Richard Dawson, this is your time

What Will Happen: Chelsea stutter to a draw. It begins...

Everton vs Fulham

It'd be a big surprise if Fulham don't arrive at Goodison Park absolutely cream crackered. Their 58th game of the season comes three days after a match in Germany that involved an epic non-flying journey.

Kudos to the fans who made it: long way to go for no goals.

Zamora limping off was bad news for the Cottagers, and Dempsey played about half an hour longer than they would have liked.

Everton are injury-free for this match, Fellaini obviously aside. The Belgian might not make pre-season, which spells disaster for the club shop's summer sale of comedy afros, perhaps David Moyes should sign Leo Sayer?

What Won’t Happen: Fulham have drawn their last three matches 0-0 but they'll concede here

What Will Happen: The home team has won 16 of the last 17 Premier League fixtures between these two. Good enough for us. Home win

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The Tuesday 10: Surprises of the 2009/10 season so far

Dan Ross — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 09:40:00 GMT

Wigan’s shock victory over Arsenal this weekend spurred Dan Ross into thinking about the ten surprises of the season across Europe so far…

Montpellier’s Ligue 1 assault

Imagine if Burnley had finished fourth and qualified for the Champions League.

Ridiculous, preposterous, impossible… right? Well, not in France. This year Ligue 1 has been taken by storm by Montpellier, a side promoted on the last day of last season.

Widely predicted to watch his side go straight back down, new coach Rene Girard instead masterminded a sensational season.

In February they were vying for the title, and while they have dropped off slightly, they still sit, unbelievably, level on points with third-placed Lyon, who occupy the lowest Champions League qualification position.

And, what’s more, the two sides meet in a fortnight’s time. If all goes well, Girard may have to start planning for the impossible.

Pompey reach the FA Cup Final

In administration, a nine-point penalty had seen Pompey prematurely relegated.

A host of injuries and suspensions plagued Avram Grant’s squad, and they weren’t given an ice cream’s chance in hell of winning the FA Cup semi-final.

They were up against Tottenham, a side managed by former Pompey favourite Harry Redknapp and driven on by Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe and Niko Kranjcar – three of the stars that served Pompey under Redknapp.

The underdogs were terrific, Frederic Piquionne striking nine minutes into extra-time, before Kevin-Prince Boateng scored from the penalty spot, to set up a final against Chelsea that will see Avram Grant face his former club.

Due to bonuses that the debt-ridden club needs to shirk and a web of contract clauses, it is still unclear which players will be allowed to play in the final.

But, whether or not they pull off Mission Impossible Part Two and beat Chelsea, and whether or not they are allowed a Europa League place next season, their FA Cup fairytale has been a bright light in Pompey’s darkest hour, and is unlikely to be forgotten any time soon.

Wolfsburg go from table-toppers to mid-table mediocrity

Reigning Bundesliga champions Wolfsburg suffered a 2-4 home defeat on Saturday to Werder Bremen, a result that leaves the Wolves in eighth, almost as close to the relegation zone as they are leaders Bayern Munich.

A year ago, the world’s football media were drooling over Wolves’ ‘magic triangle’ (Edin Dzeko, Grafite and Zvjezdan Misimovic) after they destroyed Bayern 5-1, inflicting their worst defeat in seven years.

This week, after an Arjen Robben hat-trick helped Bayern demolish Hannover 7-0, Louis van Gaal’s men now look down at a Wolfsburg side a whopping 17 points below them.

What a difference a year makes. Although it might have something to do with last season’s boss, Felix Magath, joining Schalke 04 in June - they lie in second place…

Mallorca in the Champions League places

Spanish side Mallorca are themselves fast establishing a reputation as the Portsmouth of La Liga.

The near bankrupt Balearic outfit were widely regarded as cannon fodder this term, and seen as likely relegation candidates, but they have been performing overwhelmingly above themselves so far this term and find themselves in fourth place with five matches remaining.

Having failed to lose in both matches with Villarreal, Valencia and Atletico Madrid (a win and a draw with each), scoring twice in defeat at the Nou Camp, and narrowly losing the return match, Mallorca have won over their critics in style.

With matches against Real Madrid, Athletic and Deportivo still to come, it will be hard work for los Barralets to retain their lofty position at the end of the season, but Mallorca will grab a surprise Champions League qualification spot if they manage it.

If they negotiate that, then a prestigious European place would go some way towards easing their financial burden. But one step at a time…

Juventus’ dismal season

The Old Lady started the season well. Back in August, Bianconeri fans were frothing at the mouth with excitement after their two expensive new recruits, Diego and Felipe Melo, scored as Juventus beat Roma 3-1 in their own back yard.

The optimism was short-lived, however, as Juve fans have since watched their side capitulate. A quick Champions League exit then turned to a quick Europa League exit at the hands of Fulham, while their league performance has been dire.

Sitting miserably in seventh, having sacked Ciro Ferrara and then continuing to have a torrid time under Alberto Zaccheroni, Juve could find themselves finishing out of the European places altogether unless they sort out their act in the last four games.

Liverpool could miss out on fourth place

Liverpool fans know all too well what the Juventus faithful are going through.

Rafa Benitez’ men lie sixth in the league, having suffered ten defeats and eight draws in their 35 matches so far.

Couple to this the embarrassing performance in the Champions League that saw them drop behind Fiorentina and Lyon into the Europa, and a third round FA Cup defeat to Championship side Reading, and it’s been a term to forget for the Scousers.

Hopes of change on the horizon have been buoyed by the decision of Hicks and Gillette to sell up, and their could yet be European silverware heading to Anfield, but for that to happen they will need to overcome Atletico Madrid without Fernando Torres, who has hopped off for another knee op.

Curiously, rumours abound that Benitez is leaving at the end of the season for… you guessed it, Juventus.

Fulham’s European adventure

Another team that stands in the way of the ‘Pool tasting glory in the Europa League is, surprisingly, Fulham.

Roy Hodgson’s brief time at Craven Cottage has been something of a revelation - saving the club from relegation, and taking them into Europe.

Many expected their European adventure to be a short and rather uninteresting one, but the Cottagers (and Channel Five) have had the last laugh, as the Premier League’s most likable club just got entertaining.

En route to this Thursday’s clash with Hamburger SV, Fulham beat current Europa champions Shakhtar Donetsk, turned around a two-goal first leg deficit with a 4-1 second leg win over European giants Juventus, and, most recently, defeated reigning German champions Wolfsburg home and away.

More bizarrely still, the club’s top goalscorer is one Bobby Zamora, who has netted nearly twenty times in all competitions to spark talk of a World Cup call-up.

All in all, such has been the remarkable rise of the Cottagers, Fulham will probably now only raise eyebrows if they fail to lift the trophy on May 12.

Roma are set to win the Scudetto

Yes, you read that right, Roma are in pole position in Serie A and set to win the Scudetto. More importantly for football fans across the globe, someone other than Inter is set to win the title.

Strangely, the manager behind this resurgence is ‘Tinkerman’ Claudio Ranieri. Sacked by Valencia and Juventus (albeit with a relegation-preventing season at Parma in between), the Roman boss seems to be thriving at the helm of his hometown club.

Mourinho’s men looked like shoe-ins for the honours for an age, but a slight blip at Catania last month, combined with the defeat to the Giallorossi saw the gap close to just one point.

Then, a fortnight ago, Roma’s win over Atalanta and Inter’s draw with Fiorentina saw Ranieri’s men go top of the Serie A standings – not only for the first time this season, but for the first time since September 2007. Victory over Lazio in a pressure-soaked Derby della Capitale this weekend shows that Roma mean business… can they hold out?

Newcastle are crowned champions

While hardly a surprise on paper, given the quality the Toon have in their squad compared with the rest of the Championship, who didn’t expect Newcastle to do a Leeds?

A caretaker manager, under-performing players, disenchanted fans, a transfer exodus and an unwanted board made up the maelstrom that engulfed St. James’ Park before the season had even kicked off.

Fortunately enough, Newcastle managed to hold onto the likes of Steven Taylor and Kevin Nolan, while the ‘Three Amigos’, Jose Enrique, Fabricio Coloccini and Jonas Gutierrez, settled into life on Tyneside and sparkled throughout the campaign.

With Andy Carroll, Peter Lovenkrands, and Kevin Nolan all hitting double figures, the Toon secured the title (and promotion back to the big time) with relative ease, much to the delight and intense relief of their Army of supporters.

Fantastic finish across Europe

While English fans’ eyes are fixated on the nail-biting title run-in between Chelsea and Manchester United, it seems that every league in Europe this year is heading the same way.

A single point separates the first-placed Blues from the Red Devils in second, as it does Barcelona from Madrid in La Liga, Roma from Inter in Serie A, and FC Twente from Ajax in the Eredivisie.

Bayern Munich are hardly bucking the trend with their slender two-point lead over Schalke 04.

Can you hear all that squeaking? That’s the bums of football fans across the continent, that is.

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The Tuesday 10: Good football films
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The Tuesday 10: Shocking tackles
The Tuesday 10: Premier League centurions
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The Tuesday 10: Notable January transfers
The Tuesday 10: Goals of the Decade
The Tuesday 10: Goalscoring goalies
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The Tuesday 10: The best computer football games ever
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The Tuesday 10: Dives worse than Eduardo's
The Tuesday 10: Football lyrics in rock
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The Tuesday 10: Football forfeits
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The golf-watching, Drury hating, typically German Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 11:16:00 GMT

Tch, football, eh? What about golf? Watching 50-year-old Fred Couples and 60-year-old Tom Watson lead the Masters (at the time of writing) is enough to make you wonder whether...no...

Darren Anderton has retired, and we have to come to terms with that.

Saturday

Hull vs Burnley

Biggest game of the season for these two, perhaps, and with tricky travels to Birmingham and Sunderland coming up, it's quite possibly Burnley's last chance to record a single away win this season.

Let's face it: they're down, aren't they? Four points adrift, Spurs and Liverpool still to play...it's over. Just like Tiger Woods' weight, it's over.

Some may think it a shame – this blog does – but Burnley have the survival odds of a blind clifftop-dwelling lemming.

(Apparently that's a myth, lemming suicides. Apologies to any offended lemming lovers.)

What won't happen: Iain Dowie called for more energy from Hull's players and fans, but without some on-field nous to go with it they could have the energy of Speedy Gonzalez on pep pills and struggle.

What will happen: After falling five goals behind, all eleven Burnley players and twelve Burnley fans follow in 21-year-old midfielder Kevin McDonald's footsteps against Man City and leave the stadium at half-time

What will happen 2: What with McDonald going AWOL and Robbie Blake hitting out at the manager, it's clear Brian Laws has lost the dressing room. Expect him gone this summer

West Ham vs Sunderland

A problem shared is a problem halved; three points shared isn't. West Ham won't care, though, taking a vital point from their away match at Everton. It's not three points but it's one, and any mathematician will tell you that's more than none. Which is good.

Say what you like – that paragraph still makes more sense than anything Peter Drury has ever said, ever.

The 2-2 draw saw a spirited performance from the Hammers. The BBC review of the game put it better than this blog ever could, concluding, "[an error occurred while processing this directive]".

As for Sunderland, it was a great win over Spurs but you have to wonder about Darren Bent's mood as the game went on. Last game against Spurs: missed a penalty. 36 seconds into this one: scored. 28 minutes: scored a penalty. 40 minutes: missed a penalty. 61 minutes: missed another penalty. That's just avoiding buying the hat-trick beers, that is.

What won't happen: West Ham power on without the suspended Scott Parker

What will happen: PUNT OF THE WEEK: West Ham blow a golden chance for points and Sunderland record their first league away win in 16 attempts

Sunday

Blackburn vs Manchester United

Ignoring Manchester United's defeat to Bayern Munich, the alleged demise of English football associated with it and finally the post-match xenophobic fury of Fergie – typical Scot – isn't easy, but the Red Devils will have to do just that as they travel to Ewood Park.

Can Fergie's men get their heads back in the game for the all-important Premier League title race? It's not the easiest of away games – in their last nine league visits to Blackburn, United have lost more than they've won – and they won't be helped by Rooney's absence.

On the other hand, United have won two of their last three matches at Ewood Park, and are unbeaten against Rovers in eight matches. You can prove anything with statistics.

What won't happen: El Hadji Diouf, who has been charged under four driving offences – that's driving, with an 'r' – to buy some car insurance. Yep, he's not only been driving without a licence, but without insurance too. Well, it's expensive, isn't it?

What will happen: So are those statistics in favour of United or not? In the long term, no; in the short term, yes, and a confidence-building win here will help them along

Liverpool vs Fulham

There was Europa League delight for both teams midweek. After Liverpool sailed into the semis and Bobby 'South Africa or Bust' Zamora's 21-second goal sealed Fulham's progress, this could be a dress rehearsal for the final. Expect grandstanding Liverpool to trip over the scenery and understudies Fulham to forget their lines.

The Reds broke two scoring ducks too: Dirk Kuyt netted his first goal in 1,084 minutes of football and Lucas, with a brilliant run, slotted home for the first time since May last year.

That was 46 games without a goal for the Brazilian – and now Jason Scotland has FINALLY scored for Wigan, he holds this season's league record for the most number of shots without scoring (34). Yes, you read that right. Lucas has had 34 shots. At a guess, 32 have been from the halfway line.

What won't happen: A cracking game, thanks to both teams' continental hangovers. Liverpool scrape it

What will happen: Fernando Torres will play former club Atletico Madrid in the Europa League semis. You can see how that pre-game banter's going to go. "Hey Nando, where's that major trophy you left us for?" "Oh, piss off."

Manchester City vs Birmingham

Home is where the Hart ain't, as the loanee travels with Birmingham to visit his parent club, where he’ll be forced to watch idly from the stands as Maik Taylor fills in between the sticks for Brum. Rules is rules, you see.

There's a lot of interest around the young 'keeper (Hart that is, not Taylor, obviously), not least from Brum, but Roberto Mancini wants the 22-year-old to stay with the Arabian Knights (look, 'Citizens' is just crap). Moreover, he's said he doesn't even want to loan him out next season.

"The season is long. If you are playing in the Champions League then you need players – you need two top keepers."

So if he doesn't seek a transfer, Hart may find himself slumming it in the reserves. And will Mancini send him out on loan if they don't qualify for the Champions League? Good thing Given's not injured; Hart would be chucking the ball into his own net in their last few games just to make sure he had some first-team football next year.

What won't happen: Hart won't go next year, but the year after that...

What will happen: A stellar performance from his understudy frustrates the hosts. Draw

Wolves vs Stoke

Blimey, Wolves are 14th. And Stoke are in the top half. What the Hell's going on here?

What won't happen: Mick McCarthy's commentary (see Nottingham Forest-Cardiff - well you can’t because it was on Monday afternoon, but imagine it) to improve with time. We were hopeful, but no...

What will happen: All of Stoke's press lately has been talking of relief at passing 40 points and avoiding relegation, but they should be prouder of their achievements this season. Instead, they lack end-of-season focus here and hand Wolves a win

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The arm-flailing shirt-pulling Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:54:00 GMT

Moving house, your blogger has dug out a dog-eared copy of childhood staple Gary Lineker's Favourite Football Stories, complete with a smiling, considerably less grey Lineker and wackily animated bouncing footballs in place of any ‘o’s.

The first and probably last in a not-even-occasional series will ruin the ending for anyone who hasn't read John Goodwin’s coming-of-age classic Charlotte's Wanderers, but for anyone who has or never will, here's a touch of inspirational nostalgia for you. It's edutainment!

"I learned two things that afternoon at Park Grove – things I should have known all the time if I'd stopped to think about it.

"The first was that it's no good being a selfish player, setting out to win the match single-handed. Football is a team game and if you forget that you could end up doing a nosedive on the turf like I did.

"The second thing was to do with Charlotte – she was developing into a really good player. Soon she'll be playing in better teams than the Wanderers. Maybe she'll get a place in an England women's team. And what after that? The Premier Division? Once I would have thought that a ridiculous idea, but now I'm not so sure."

Sadly, attitudes towards women in the Prem remain the same, forcing Charlotte to change her name to Carlos and sign for Man City.

Saturday

Birmingham vs Arsenal

Eduardo returns to the place where he was annihilated by Martin Taylor. Cue another completely accidental ‘horror tackle’ that has Wenger apopleptic with mindless rage.

Brum, meanwhile, need to stop the rot after defeats to fellow water-treaders Sunderland and Blackburn. It won’t start here.

What won’t happen: Wenger: “In retrospect, maybe I was wrong about Martin Taylor.”

What will happen: Away win.

Bolton vs Manchester United

Nani dearest has signed a four-year contract renewal with the Red Devils, which was slightly unexpected. Many thought the Portuguese winger was on his way out in the summer after a few loose words (and the fact that Valencia clearly offers more), but Sir Alec has decided he’s matured and wants to keep him on his books. Anderson... well, we’ll see.

Meanwhile, Ryan Giggs has suggested he might return for Wales, ostensibly to cover for the injured Aaron Ramsey but more likely because he fancies playing England in the World Cup qualifiers. Given the youth of Wales’ side these days, he’d probably double the average age.

What won’t happen: Giggs will return, but it won’t be the same (*sniff*).

What will happen: Gary ‘Blood clot’ Cahill will play for the first time in seven weeks, but he can’t stop a home defeat.

Chelsea vs Aston Villa

Bad news for the Blues: Ricardo Carvalho injured himself in the 5-0 thumping of Portsmouth, which is a bit like winning the lottery then dying of shock (kinda). He's out for a month.

Pompey fans would say it's karma: flying limbs from Florent Malouda and Daniel Sturridge meant a fractured cheekbone and a broken nose for Ricardo Rocha and Tommy Smith respectively, who failed to get out of arms' way. Neither Chelsea player was sent off, so expect a few boos – after all, clouting Portsmouth players is just kicking a team when they're down.

And down they will be in a matter of time. Even a miracle worker wouldn't fancy his chances with Portsmouth this year, especially when they're being so generous at the back – David James conceded a howler against Chelsea.

Still, it's nice that generosity is extending to the back room: James is said to be the leader of a group of players paying the wages of several members of staff who would otherwise have been sacked. One of these staff members: the players' masseur. You scratch my back, I’ll rub yours.

What won't happen: This wonderful spirit of charity to spread to other footballers on five- or six-figure weekly sums.

What will happen: Villa's difficult run (home draws with Wolves and Sunderland) continues/Villa's unbeaten run in the league this year (10 games, no defeats) comes to an end.

Hull vs Fulham

The less said about Hull's last-minute capitulation to Pompey the better, so that's some words saved. Iain Dowie probably found a few in the dressing room to make up the difference.

For Fulham, John Paintsil returns to training after three months campaigning for people to spell his name correctly. Even though he didn't succeed, expect a lap of honour.

Remember the name...

It must be so strange to be his team-mate when he does that. Walking back to the dressing room, chatting, bantering – "Hey, did you see Gary's face when I nutmegged him, John? John? Oh... bye then. "

Fulham's plucky FA Cup campaign came to an end despite every commentator in the land willing them on against Spurs. It's true they played superbly in the first half and deserve their amazing season, but it was like listening to God vs Satan or something. If the Cottagers reach the Europa League final, there'll be a serious danger of on-air orgasm.

What won't happen: Hopefully, a display of shirt-pulling quite as disgraceful as Bobby Zamora's in the second half, when Sebastian Bassong quite reasonably tried to belt his eyes out through the back of his head. Zamora was like a cruel five-year-old holding a cat by the tail, gleefully watching his attempts to escape.

What will happen: Fulham get back on track with a win to add to Dowie's despair.

Spurs vs Portsmouth

There's a lot being made of the FA semi-final showdown between 'Arry Redknapp and the sinking ship he had helmed, and here's the dress rehearsal.
Will Tottenham make it five league wins in a row? Will they somehow fail to finish fourth? Will Portsmouth win at White Hart Lane and begin the mother of all relegation comebacks?

Yes, yes, no.

What won't happen: 'Arry can't get away with bringing off a defender for a striker again, as he did against Fulham midweek. If Ćorluka doesn't pass a fitness test, Assou-Ekotto will have to move to right-back. Loaning out everybody may have seemed a good idea at the time, but right when they need depth, Spurs have gone from five fit strikers to two and three fit right-backs to zero.

What will happen: Nevertheless, they brush aside Pompey to strengthen that Champions League claim.

West Ham vs Stoke

Blimey, David Sullivan just won’t shut up, will he? In the space of just two days after West Ham’s defeat to Wolves, the Cockney pornster (as opposed to cocky porn star) made two brilliantly contradictory announcements.

First, there was the open letter slamming the performance, saying “Nobody should delude themselves that we are a good team” but pleading with the fans to have patience. The West Ham players were booed and treated to cries of “You’re not fit to wear the shirt”, while Zola was on the end of “You’re getting sacked in the morning.” Sullivan’s reaction seemed to be, “Look, I know we were sh*t, but only I’m allowed to say so.”

Then, fearing he’d kicked a hornet’s nest, Sullivan insisted he was “very confident” the Hammers would stay up, although he again suggested they don’t deserve to.

If the response of Cap’n Upson is anything to go by, the players are ignoring their owner’s laments as the insane ramblings of a confused old man.

What won’t happen: David Gold steps in complete with bowler hat and moustache and berates Sullivan for being useless, completing the Laurel and Hardy image.

What will happen: In a dour game, West Ham fall to a sixth league defeat in a row.

Another fine mess, etc

Wolves vs Everton

There's probably never been a better time to be a Wolves fan this season. Oh, except when they held Liverpool to a draw. And when they beat Spurs. And when they beat Spurs again. Where were we?

Anyway, seven points from nine, including invaluable wins over relegation rivals West Ham and Burnley, has lifted the Midlands side seven points clear of the drop zone.

Everton, meanwhile, would be joint top of the league if the season began in 2010. That's one of those facts that doesn't really mean anything but makes everyone go "Oh" in the pub – some in interest, some in feigned interest and some in pain as the suicide pills kick in.

What won't happen: A home win. Since we're on the stats, Wolves are the only Premier League team this season to take fewer points at home than on the road. They've also scored only one goal in nearly ten hours of football at Molineux. Mick McCarthy's middle name is Joseph. Those pills slipping down all right?

What will happen: Everton storm to another away win.

Sunday

Burnley vs Blackburn

The Cotton-Mill Derby, or Hotpot Derby for some ignorant southerners, comes at a crucial time for Burnley.

The Clarets almost took home a result against Wigan but an injury-time winner from Hugo Rodallega deprived them of a second – yes, second – point in 16 away games this season. Relying desperately on their home form, the Clarets need to stop the gap becoming a chasm.

Blackburn can sympathise, or would if they didn't prefer hating their Lancashire rivals. Rovers have notched up just six away points all season, fewer than any club bar Hull and Burnley.

But Big Sam is accentuating the positives, claiming they're "in the top four of the Premier League with home results". It's not true – they’re seventh – but hey, it sounds good. Lies, damned lies and statistics and all that.

Still, Rovers' impressive run continued with a 2-1 win over Birmingham in The Battle of the Mid-Table, not coming to a cinema near you. Headline writers had a field day ('Boy Dunn Good', 'Job Dunn', 'This Joke's Been Dunn') thanks to both goals coming from the Brum alumnus. Dunn scored in the fifth minute to fulfil this blog's prediction of an early Rovers goal, before ruining the fun by scoring the winner when we'd plumped for a draw. b*st*rd.

What won't happen: A nice, friendly atmosphere at Turf Moor.

What will happen: Blackburn finally grab only their second away win of the season.

Liverpool vs Sunderland

Strip reproduced courtesy of Studs-Up.com - click to see more

Don't mention the beach ball. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

What won't happen: Five minutes of the match to pass without a commentator mentioning the beach ball. Scratch that, five seconds.

What will happen: Extra security doesn't stop at least one Sunderland wag throwing a beach ball onto the pitch. Horrible draw for Liverpool.

Monday

Manchester City vs Wigan

The age-old who-would-win-in-a-fight-between-Mancini-and-Moyes almost yielded an answer as the Italian started a scuffle in trying to retrieve the ball. The pair were very mature after the game, but only once they’d hidden their handbags.

What won’t happen: Mancini vs Martinez – the Spaniard is too cool for that. A fight might ruffle his coat.

What will happen: Home win

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