FourFourTwo's Inside Track : Portsmouth

The weekend's heroes & villains

James Maw — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 11:23:00 GMT

Rounding up the weekend's Premier League goodies and baddies...

HEROES

Roberto Di Matteo
Two years ago West Bromwich Albion earned plaudits for their persistence in ‘playing the game as it should be played’, even though their inability to mix it physically or be uber-direct ultimately lead to their relegation from the Premier League.

By Di Matteo’s own admission, West Brom’s philosophy is still to attack rather than defend, but this time round the Baggies look to have a little more cutting edge. Last week’s hero Peter Odemwingie is quickly finding his feet – his goal against Arsenal was his third in five Premier League matches – while at the same time also looking harder to play through at the other end. Well, at least since their trip to Chelsea...

Vincent Kompany
Carlos Tevez may have earned the headlines after scoring the only goal of a match Sky rather predictably billed the biggest of the season so far, but it was City’s rearguard action that ultimately proved the most crucial facet of a brilliant win. Central to that superb defensive performance was Belgian bruiser Kompany, who looked both assured in possession and clinical in the challenge.

Kompany, originally signed as a defensive midfielder, has forged an impressive defensive partnership with Kolo Toure, with City conceding just twice in the eight games they’ve played alongside one another so far this term.

City’s defensive frailty was ultimately what cost them a Champions League slot last season. This blossoming partnership could well prove key to a successful qualification this time round.

Robert Green
They say the key to being a top goalkeeper is recovering from your mistakes, and that’s exactly what Rob Green has done, eventually, with a sterling display to keep Spurs at bay at Upton Park.

The England international (let’s give him the benefit of the doubt on that one…) did brilliantly to deny Luka Modric and Rafael van der Vaart in the first half, and will be rightly chuffed with his first Premier League clean sheet since April. A turning point? We’ll have to wait and see.

Darren Bent
Bent scored his seventh and eighth goals in 10 matches against the Premier League’s ‘Big Four’ since joining Sunderland last summer. Those goals have been good for a not unreasonable nine points.

Emile Heskey and Michael Owen
Gerard Houllier has been back in English football less than a week and already two of his most trusted charges from his time at Liverpool have made a semi-miraculous return to goalscoring form.

Both Owen and Heskey scored with late headers to change the result in their team’s favour. Owen flicked past Jussi Jaaskelainen to earn Manchester United a point at Bolton, while Emile Heskey's neck-thrusting power-header past Marcus Hahnemann gave Villa a 2-1 win at Wolves in Houllier’s return to the Premier League.

What next? Nick Barmby to fire Hull back into the Premier League? Robbie Fowler to win Australian football’s Golden Didgeridoo award? Sander Westerveld to… nah, it probably won’t happen.

Kenwyne Jones
The £8 million Stoke forked over to Sunderland may have raised a few eyebrows , but the Trinidad and Tobago striker has now scored four goals in his last four matches to help Stoke out of the early season drop zone and up into 14th.

The big man led the line superbly again at St James’ Park and looks likely to continue to flourish in a team known for their strength from set-pieces.

VILLAINS

Stuart Attwell
Controversy seems to follow Attwell round like teenage girls follow Justin Bieber (on Twitter). While this was no ‘ghost goal’ and you can at least work out how he managed to get this one ‘wrong’, it still seems like the 27-year-old lacks the experience (or perhaps confidence) to make big decisions, or perhaps even go back on decisions already made.

By the letter of the law, it was right that the goal stood. The free kick was taken from the right place, Turner hadn’t been told by Attwell to place the ball any further back and Fernando Torres was the statutory 10 yards away. Yet there was still an element of farce about the whole affair, with Atwell seemingly looking for a way out of awarding the goal by entering prolonged discussions with his linesman.

Steven Gerrard (and Stuart Attwell, again)
The farce which lead to Liverpool’s opener wasn’t Attwell’s only faux-pas. The Warwickshire whistle-blower also failed to send off Gerrard for a blatant forearm smash into the face of Sunderland’s Danny Welbeck.

Interestingly, this wasn’t the first time Attwell has failed to send off the increasingly unpopular Liverpool skipper for flailing a limb into the head of an opponent, having failed to spot a similar offence committed unto Portsmouth’s Michael Brown in March.

Manuel Almunia
You could make a strong argument that it‘s not the Spaniard‘s fault he's not good enough and that Arsene Wenger is the bad guy for not replacing him over the summer, but there really is no legislating for the kind of error that resulted in West Brom’s second goal on Saturday.

You can just about muddle by in the Premier League on limited ability if you work hard and maintain focus and concentration, but Almunia was clearly lacking in those latter two attributes - as well as confidence - as he was unable to prevent Gonzalo Jara’s near-post shot squirming into the net. Nor was there sufficient reason for the 33-year-old to go walkabout when Chris Brunt burst into the box, allowing the ever-improving Ulsterman to square for Jerome Thomas in front of an unguarded net.

Although Almunia saved a first-half penalty, it's the least he could have done after rushing out (no, really) and clumsily hauling down Peter Odemwingie to concede the spot-kick. Arsenal fans are unlikely to be too worried that he faces a short spell on the sidelines with a elbow injury.

James Perch
Having been booked in each of the Magpies' opening five Premier League matches, the Newcastle utility man took it to the next level with a superbly taken bullet-header of an own goal. It gave Stoke a 2-1 win despite the visitors only having 35% possession (not in itself unusual for the Potters, as we told you on Friday) and one shot on target. Nice work if you can get it.

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My Perfect 10: Robert Prosinecki

FourFourTwo Team — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 10:52:00 GMT

The new issue of FourFourTwo is a 'Playmakers Special'. Pompey fan Steve Morgan continues our week of blogs playing homage to the game's great creative geniuses with a look back on the season the Croatian magician wowed Fratton Park...

Like many football chairmen Milan Mandaric never shirked a bold proclamation during his Portsmouth tenure. But when he described the latest arrival through the ever-revolving Fratton Park doors as a ‘gift to the fans’, he was bang on the money.

That arrival, in August 2001, was Robert Prosinecki, once of Barcelona and Real Madrid: a man who, for one glorious season, illuminated south coast football life, his 30 league cameos putting smiles on the faces of the glum and offering hope to empty hearts.

True, in an era typified by plodding Pompey foot soldiers, anyone who could spell ‘cultured’ – never mind play like it – tended to stand out like a sore thumb, but that’s not to discredit his genius. A Champions League winner with Red Star Belgrade in 1991, midfield kingpin of Croatia’s third-place finish in the 1998 World Cup, Prosi (not the most flattering nickname, admittedly – hence ‘TCO’ – The Chosen One) was by now 32 and not exactly satisfying any dictionary definition of svelte.

But while chain-smoking might have made his lung-capacity temporary, his class was still clearly permanent.

We saw it first on Bank Holiday Monday against Grimsby. With the arrogance and disdain of a nobleman unable to believe he’s landed among serfs, Prosinecki left the Mariners on the rocks.

He had a hand in all the goals in a 4-2 win – fizzing the ball to all corners of the park, apparently at will. Similar show-stopping performances followed over the next couple of games – a breathtaking 25-yard free-kick dipper the pick of the Blues’ four-goal bunch in another Bob-inspired Fratton masterclass against Crystal Palace.

'Prosi' was always delighted to play alongside Nigel Quashie...

It couldn’t last, of course. Once Prosinecki’s prosaic surroundings sank in, the pitches growing heavier on those stocky legs – the five-star showings became as fitful as his devotion to any defensive responsibilities.

His most-glorious game – a sublime hat-trick against Barnsley in February – was the perfect microcosm of his whole whale-in-a-pond situation. Having put Pompey 3-2 ahead, a slaloming run taking out three defenders before a superb finish, his outrageous curling free-kick seemed to have the points in the bag at 4-2. Wrong, Pompey somehow conceded twice in the final six minutes, with the equaliser coming in stoppage-time.

Fratton mythology has it that an unshowered Prosinecki left the ground immediately, jostling through the disgruntled home fans, muttering ‘a hat-trick wasted’. It was hard not to sympathise. He managed just one more goal, the following week at Sheffield United, before the campaign ended.

Pompey finishing in a then customary 17th spot that, but for him, could well have been lower. A young, beanpole of a striker called Peter Crouch, in his breakthrough season, ended with 18 goals from 37 league games – a huge percentage of them laid on for him on a plate by Prosinecki’s wand of a right foot.

The following season, miraculously, given eight bottom-six finishes during the previous decade – Prosinecki’s season then, was one of a relative vintage – Pompey were promoted to the top flight as champions. Paul Merson played the playmaker’s role that campaign, but even the Merse at his fabulous best, couldn’t quite take the breath away like ‘TCO’.

Close on a decade later, as the Blues slink back into the pack, currently occupying the Championship’s basement spot, we still recall Prosinecki’s brilliance with smiles and dazed shakes of the head. Fittingly, for one who so loved a ciggie, he’d provided us all with some unforgettable puffs of magic.

My Perfect 10: Paul Simpson on Vladimir Petrovic
My Perfect 10: Riccardo Rossi on Roberto Baggio
My Perfect 10: Andy Mitten on Eric Cantona
My Perfect 10: Michael Cox on Rui Costa
My Perfect 10: Hugh Sleight on Zico
My Perfect 10: James Horncastle on Francesco Totti
My Perfect 10: David Hall on Zinedine Zidane
My Perfect 10: Sefa Atay on Gheorghe Hagi
My Perfect 10: Jamie Bowman on Michael Laudrup
My Perfect 10: Joel Richards on Juan Roman Riquelme

Videos: Football's finest playmakers in full flow

The 'Playmakers Special' issue of FourFourTwo is in stories throughout September 2010.

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The Neighbours-watching, dead-rubbering, Mourinho-insulting Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 10:29:00 GMT

The dream continues for Fulham; the nightmare continues for Liverpool.

Yet another overcoming of the odds has given Roy Hodgson’s men a bona fide European final. In fact, their dream has lasted so long now – their first game in this Europa League campaign was exactly nine months ago – that it’s more like the dreams of a coma patient. But in a good way.

As for Liverpool, well…it was never going to be a good season but this is the final kick in the delicate parts that sees a once proud club keel over in the gutter spewing bile.

But for the neutrals, Atletico Madrid’s victory was a perfect result. Apart from Liverpool fans and passionate Anglophiles, no one really wanted to see a Fulham-Liverpool final: the Cottagers have earned the right to some exotic fixtures and playing a team they see twice a year anyway would have been a bit of a let-down. Especially since Sod’s Law says they’d have lost.

And so Fulham will take on the might of Atletico for the chance of a first major title EVER. It’s enough to make the plots of Aussie bastion of quality Neighbours, not at all on in the background at the time of writing, seem realistic.

All in all, simultaneously watching Fulham-Hamburg and the leaders’ debate while also monitoring Liverpool-Atletico and tweeting more than 120 times on all three has made the Thursday evening that sees this blog begin to take shape a little bit – hang on, Karl Kennedy seems to be having a heart attack....

Saturday

Birmingham vs Burnley

Well, some relegation battle that ended up being.

The problem with this stage of the season is that you get quite a few dead rubbers. Sure, the title race is very close and the battle for the final Champions League place is exciting for a change, but three teams being officially relegated (well, unless Hull win both their games 6-0 and West Ham lose both theirs by the same margin) means there are some pretty pointless games ahead.

Here’s one. Burnley are relegated; Birmingham are 10 points adrift of eighth and three points ahead of closest rivals Sunderland and Blackburn, who play Manchester United and Arsenal this weekend.

Basically, they’ve finished ninth – and fair play to them. But it does mean this game loses a bit of edge.

What won’t happen: A full-strength encounter. Clarke Carlisle and Chris McCann are unlikely to feature for the visitors; Scott Dann and Stephen Carr will be missing for the Blues

What will happen: Carr probably will be brought to rights by the West Midlands Police for making an offensive gesture at Aston Villa fans, because it’s obviously a very important crime that they should spend their valuable time investigating.

Manchester City vs Aston Villa

Massive game, this, and one that Spurs fans will have mixed feelings about. They certainly don’t want to see City win but a Villa victory could be just as damaging, and even a draw could put Spurs temporarily sixth. If it’s possible for both teams to take zero points from the game, now’s the time.

City will be boosted by the emergency loan arrival of Márton Fülöp, though the Hungarian has the worst save ratio (56%) of all goalkeepers to have played at least five Premier League games this season.

This must be a strange league loophole: yes, you can have an emergency ‘keeper EVEN THOUGH IT IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR but only if you have statistically the worst one in the league.

It’s a touch harsh on Faroe Islands international Gunnar Nielsen, at any rate. He has an 100% clean sheet record for goodness sake...!

Cue a series of blinding saves from the Hungarian.

What won’t happen: Martin O’Neill’s blood pressure won’t be lowered by this decision. He’s already expressed his annoyance

What will happen: Home win demolishes Villa’s hopes of fourth

Portsmouth vs Wolves

Another dead rubber does at least present Mick McCarthy’s side with the chance of scoring some damned goals.

Sylvan Ebanks-Blake’s successful strike against Blackburn last week was Wolves’ first in five games, taking their home tally to 11 goals in 18 games. Crikey. Lou Bega was more prolific.

So, how do you evaluate the seasons for these two teams? For Wolves, it’s been a quiet triumph: survival for the first time in a Premier League season.

Portsmouth…well, there it gets a little complicated. Even just looking at their success on the pitch gives a tale of two halves: in one, an FA Cup final and in the other, the reminder they’d still be bottom even if they hadn’t been deducted points.

What won’t happen: Wolves, fined £25,000 earlier this season for fielding a weakened team, have asked the Premier League to clarify its extremely muddy and inconsistent rules on team selection. Good luck with that

What will happen: Wolves fail to improve next season and find themselves right in the relegation mixer. Sorry…

Stoke vs Everton

It’s been such a good season for Stoke that it would be a shame for them to finish as low as 13th now. You imagine Tony Pulis would feel the same way, were it not for the fact he’s currently trying to stop a civil war in his dressing room. Well, not his dressing room. The players’ dressing room. Unless…never mind.

In the way all skilled media managers do, Pulis reacted to reports of player unrest not by dismissing them as untrue or calling the affair an internal matter, but angrily demanding, “Who told you that?”

The Welshman seemed surprised that the media found out about Abby Faye and Glenn Whelan’s bust-up – despite the obvious conclusion that it’s simply too good a story not to share – and has announced himself “desperately disappointed” that he doesn’t know who is responsible for the leak, although the 7-0 defeat at Stamford Bridge would suggest it’s probably his defence.

Oh, and Whelan: Pick your battles.

Actually, don’t: it would be amazing for stories such as this to keep coming just so we can read the very official-sounding statements of Stoke’s backroom staff in The Guardian.

“The Irishman reiterated that he had been unimpressed with the Senegalese’s attitude before the game and in training, and Faye responded by, in the words of a club source, ‘belting him in the face’.”

What won’t happen: Pulis engages in some more naked wrestling with his players. Ugh, that mental image has just come flooding back

What will happen: More rumours to fly around like Tony’s tackle in a shower room grapple. Argh, mental image! Mental image!

Spurs vs Bolton

Tottenham’s destiny is in their own hands now, which is why they’ll lose this match 2-0.

What won’t happen: Ledley King’s legs to fall off to make Fabio Capello’s selection job a little easier

What will happen: 0-2. Seriously

Sunday

Fulham vs West Ham

It’s apt these two should play each other: un-shut-up-able West Ham co-owner David Gold recently admitted it was wrong to complain about Fulham fielding a weakened line-up against the Hammers’ erstwhile relegation rivals, Hull, last month.

Oddly, this admission comes only now Hull are relegated anyway and West Ham are safe. Huh. Probably a coincidence.

Now Fulham and West Ham meet, and it’d be nice for the Cottagers to win just to shut Gold up, really. He’s like Prince Philip without the old-fashioned British reserve.

Oh, and Fulham won quite an important game midweek, or something.

What won’t happen: A Three Stooges remake featuring Gold, Sullivan and Zola, even though it clearly should

What will happen: Let’s face it: neither team gives two hoots about this game, do they? Away win low on entertainment and high on futility

Liverpool vs Chelsea

It’s been a long time since Sky Sports would have been worried about the BBC taking their viewers, but Championship relegation play-off Crystal Palace-Sheffield Wednesday on BBC1 is massive (it’s certainly what your correspondent will be watching, in a flagrant disregard of his Premier League blogging duties).

It’s a good thing the snooker sessions are either side of this match at Anfield: the BBC would be taking Sky’s viewers wholesale. After all, it’s not like this match really means anything, is it?

Balls. Although once upon a time – last season, in fact – Liverpool vs Chelsea in the penultimate game of the season could be a title play-off, it’s now a mere title decider, with the Reds envious onlookers.

There are even rumours that Liverpool will effectively down tools to stop arch-rivals United winning the league but that’s rubbish.

Besides, it’s not like they even have to try: their squad is weak enough to lose without intention. Against Atletico they had to play Babel up front and replaced goalscorers Alberto Aquilani – yes, he really scored – and Yossi Benayoun with Nabil El Zhar and Daniel Pacheco.

All right, stop laughing.

What won’t happen: Liverpool deliberately throw it (though they do lose)

What will happen: A deflated Benitez wanders off within the year, blaming a lack of transfer funds. Just to remind: perma-sub Aquilani was bought for £17 million and Rafa refused to pay £8m for Dani Alves but three years later bought Glen Johnson for £18m. Lack of funds, football’s collective *rse.

Sunderland vs Manchester United

Sunderland actually have an aim as this season ends: they could finish in the top half of the Premier League for the first time in nine years.

Darren ’25 goals in my first season’ Bent has to take some of the praise for their achievement this season, although the BBC’s comparisons between him and the likes of Brian Clough and Len Shackleton may be a little premature.

With a win, Steve Bruce could ruin his hero Sir Alex Ferguson’s chances of a twelfth Premier League title, but will he want to do that? Of course – your current club comes first and those heady days at Manchester United were a long time ago now. A long, long time ago…

What won’t happen: Wayne Rooney won’t celebrate his two PFA and Football Writers’ Association Player of the Year awards with a hat-trick, because he’s DEAD...or injured, or something. He’ll probably be fine.

What will happen: Away win

Monday

Blackburn vs Arsenal

It’s England’s very own Inter Milan versus Barcelona! Guess which team is which.

What won’t happen: Harsher words on Jose Mourinho in any Barcelona-favouring newspaper. There are insults and there are insults, but comparing him to Big Sam, well

What will happen: Blackburn 0, Arsenal 2. In red cards: Blackburn 2, Arsenal 1

Wigan vs Hull

Strangely, this deadest of dead rubbers could actually provide some real entertainment. Here you have two teams who struggle to defend and who are both keen to beat relatively poor opposition and finish the season on a high.

Expect some ambitious but ultimately inept attacking play.

What won’t happen: Roberto Martinez to be awarded Manager of the Year, with Iain ‘Three home defeats including 4-1 to Burnley’ Dowie taking Manager of the Month

What will happen: Wigan 7, Hull 6 (that’s the score, not the attendance) Put your house on this.

The knee-sliding, road-tripping, ape-confusing Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 09:30:00 GMT

The BBC has tried to name their own 23-man World Cup squad by unveiling THE LARGEST COVERAGE TEAM EVER.

Joining the merry band of Gary Lineker, Mark Lawrenson, Mark Bright, Lee Dixon, Mick McCarthy (argh), Alan Shearer (ARGH), Alan Hansen, Martin Keown and Colin Murray – not forgetting the radio team of Graham Taylor, Chris Waddle, Robbie Savage, David Moyes and Danny Mills – will be four new faces.

First up, Gordon Strachan: an excellent acquisition. Then Jurgen Klinsmann (good), Clarence Seedorf (good) and Emmanuel Adebayor (good God).

Seriously, Adebayor as a pundit? And there we were thinking not having to put up with the knee—sliding fool’s mood swings for a month or so was an advantage of Togo not qualifying.

Saturday

Arsenal vs Manchester City

Speaking of Adebayor, the recently-retired-from-international-football striker has been told by the FA to “show more intelligence” when he returns to the Emirates this weekend.

Amazingly, they’re not talking about his play on the ball.

Meanwhile, Roberto Mancini has shown an impressive lack of knowledge of his team’s heritage, pointing towards a potential Top Five next season and calling this year's run-in "the most important in the club's history."

Uh...they have won titles, Roberto. Two top-tier league titles, four FA Cups and a European Cup Winners' Cup, to be precise. The older fans won't be happy to suggest finishing fourth, some 15 points off the top, would be the club's biggest achievement.

What Won’t Happen: Adebayor runs the length of the pitch after scoring to celebrate in front of the people who once paid his wages and treated him as one of their own, then stamps on his old team mate. Come on, no one is that much of a ‘character’...

What Will Happen: Ade does lose the plot a bit, but City take home an important point

Bolton vs Portsmouth

Upon hearing Portsmouth's debts are now £120 million – it sounds a lot but remember that's only what Real Madrid paid for Cristiano Ronaldo and half again – this blog decided to take a quick look at their finances.

That you can simply download a form documenting every individual debt, signed by Andrew Andronikou's hand, is extraordinary. It's almost as surreal as seeing perfectly normal debts within. You get used to seeing a football club as an otherworldly entity – then you see they owe money to their landlady, bank and Sky TV, just like the rest of us.

Not to mention £308.50 in ‘ransom payments'. What the hell is that about?

Still, the one that intrigues this blog most is that in all this openness and truth-telling, with every penny pored over with a fine-tooth comb, there remains £21.50 filed under ‘Miscellaneous'.

£21.50. They really might as well just say what it is. But they haven't, which suggests there's something there they don't want us to know…hmm. Interesting.

What Won’t Happen: It turns out said £21.50 was infact money spent by Peter Storrie on magic beans.

What Will Happen: Bolton put themselves mathematically safe

Hull vs Sunderland

As mentioned before by Hull chairman Adam Pearson, the Tigers’ finances are in quite a stunning state of disarray.

Pearson has again blamed former chairman Paul Duffen for creating a ‘doomsday scenario’, gambling on Hull staying up to also stay financially afloat.

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. This blog spies another Portsmouth on the horizon.

It’s still nothing compared to their goal difference though. Their minus 40 haul – worse than Burnley, who have conceded more goals away from home than any Premier League team before them – means finishing level on points just isn't an option.

A win here is absolutely vital, and they also have to hope West Ham slip up at home to erstwhile relegation battlers Wigan.

What Won’t Happen: A team battling relegation shows some economic sense?

What Will Happen: Hull record one of the most important results of their two Premier League seasons to delay the inevitable

Manchester United vs Spurs

After amazing results against Arsenal and Chelsea, can Spurs do it again? If not, they've basically handed the title to United. And let this blog say it again: United will win the title.

If that is the case, Paddy Power are going to regret paying out already on Chelsea to win the title. If the Blues don't lift that trophy, the Irish bookmakers stand to lose around half a million. Ouch.

What Won’t Happen: The run-up to a big match passes without United being linked with signing their opponents’ most in-form player by Fergie’s chums in the press.

What Will Happen: A great game but no, Spurs can't do it again. They do nab a draw though

West Ham vs Wigan

This, right now, is West Ham's chance to practically guarantee safety.

If they win this and Hull lose to Sunderland, it'll take tsunamis and 20-nil defeats to send them down, such is the Tigers' woeful goal difference. If they win this and Hull win too, they're still looking pretty safe.

But remembering their far from impressive performance against Liverpool – it just won't erase from memory, damn it – it's unlikely they're going to put on a master class here.

Wigan have to cope with the recent news about Charles N'Zogbia, which will basically entail them trying not to double over laughing. King N'Zog was arrested over allegations someone else filled in the written part of his driving test. Rock. And. Roll.

What's going on? First El-Hadji Diouf is caught driving without insurance and now this. Where have all the drunk-driving-150-mph-in-a-cul-de-sac speeding footballers gone?

(This blog does not endorse driving dangerously).

N'Zogbia could, let's not forget, still play for England. He's eligible. He's also eligible for France, of course, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

If Capello spurns him, France could do a lot worse – and what's stopping him giving the Africa Cup of Nations a go? Lomana LuaLua plays for Congo DR, as does West Ham's Hérita Ilunga and, uh, Serge Makofo of Rhyl FC.

But what about Congo DR’s Shabani Nonda? Remember him? The 33-year-old ex-Blackburn player is currently a free agent after being released by Galatasaray. Here are some stats: 38 goals in 91 games for Gala, 57 in 115 for AS Monaco before that and 32 international goals in just 49 matches. That's really not bad.

It's amazing West Ham haven't added him to their legion of slow, ageing strikers.

What Won’t Happen: It’s been said before, but what won't happen is a longer non-preview than that this season

What Will Happen: Away win

Wolves vs Blackburn

This blog happens to like Wolves (Mick McCarthy's commentary career aside), but you can't say they’re staying up with style.

Three goalless draws in four games – the other was a 1-0 defeat to Arsenal – has seen them claw towards the finish line and safety like a legless (not drunk, you understand) man in a warzone. It's not been pretty, but it's done the trick.

Still, after four games without a goal, the Molineux faithful are in serious danger of collective suicide. Their beloved club's last match against Fulham set a Premier League record for fewest shots on target: one. And that was in the 89th minute. Talk about patience – that level of boredom is enough to make a grown man cry.

What Won’t Happen: Well, this isn't exactly going to be a thriller either, is it?

What Will Happen: Oh God, it really is going to be another 0-0

Sunday

Aston Villa vs Birmingham

This is a big derby for Villa; less so for Brum, with nothing to play for but pride. Expect an unusually quiet game.

Unrelated Shoehorned-in European Observation of the Week: Ajax's defence in the Dutch league is mental. That's 17 home games now and four goals conceded. Their goal difference is +83. EIGHTY-THREE.

It's a wonder visiting teams turn up.

What Won’t Happen: Unrelated Shoehorned-In European Observation of the Week to be back next week

What Will Happen: Brum play with the fire in their bellies that's been lacking of late, but Villa's charge for fourth remains on course

Burnley vs Liverpool

It's a bit of a dull relegation run-in now, which is such a shame after it looked like it was going to be so close. But no: Burnley and Hull are almost certainly down d-down down.

A loss in this match virtually rules out a Clarets survival; indeed, if they lose and West Ham win, Burnley are mathematically relegated. And that's the worst kind of relegation.

On the contrary, Liverpool are starting to have a few things go their way. The lack of any Premier League presence in the Champions League semi-finals means the Reds' absence from the knockouts goes down as a part of a collective English failure and not one specific to Merseyside – Rafa is now some kind of pioneer.

And Portsmouth being denied a Europa League place next season means that every one of the four teams challenging for a Champions League spot will at least play in Europe next year – and if Liverpool have a run as good as this year, that's not a disaster.

Reasons to be cheerful? Well, they just lost 1-0 to Atletico Madrid. Make up your own mind.

What Won’t Happen: Burnley's survival starts here

What Will Happen: A tired Liverpool limp to victory

Chelsea vs Stoke

There's no John Terry for Chelsea, but that's not actually much of a loss. He was bloody dreadful against Tottenham; like a confused, naked ape blundering around a garden maze.

When he looked stunned after each booking, it wasn't with the referee but his own catastrophic performance.

So Terry's absence is possibly the good news for Chelsea; the bad news is that John Obi Mikel is a doubt (well, we knew that already) and so is Didier Drogba. Unhappy times.

What Won’t Happen: Anyone to notice how weak England's central defence is. Rio 'n' Terry aren't rock solid any more and Upson doesn't look up to it. Michael Richard Dawson, this is your time

What Will Happen: Chelsea stutter to a draw. It begins...

Everton vs Fulham

It'd be a big surprise if Fulham don't arrive at Goodison Park absolutely cream crackered. Their 58th game of the season comes three days after a match in Germany that involved an epic non-flying journey.

Kudos to the fans who made it: long way to go for no goals.

Zamora limping off was bad news for the Cottagers, and Dempsey played about half an hour longer than they would have liked.

Everton are injury-free for this match, Fellaini obviously aside. The Belgian might not make pre-season, which spells disaster for the club shop's summer sale of comedy afros, perhaps David Moyes should sign Leo Sayer?

What Won’t Happen: Fulham have drawn their last three matches 0-0 but they'll concede here

What Will Happen: The home team has won 16 of the last 17 Premier League fixtures between these two. Good enough for us. Home win

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The Tuesday 10: Surprises of the 2009/10 season so far

Dan Ross — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 09:40:00 GMT

Wigan’s shock victory over Arsenal this weekend spurred Dan Ross into thinking about the ten surprises of the season across Europe so far…

Montpellier’s Ligue 1 assault

Imagine if Burnley had finished fourth and qualified for the Champions League.

Ridiculous, preposterous, impossible… right? Well, not in France. This year Ligue 1 has been taken by storm by Montpellier, a side promoted on the last day of last season.

Widely predicted to watch his side go straight back down, new coach Rene Girard instead masterminded a sensational season.

In February they were vying for the title, and while they have dropped off slightly, they still sit, unbelievably, level on points with third-placed Lyon, who occupy the lowest Champions League qualification position.

And, what’s more, the two sides meet in a fortnight’s time. If all goes well, Girard may have to start planning for the impossible.

Pompey reach the FA Cup Final

In administration, a nine-point penalty had seen Pompey prematurely relegated.

A host of injuries and suspensions plagued Avram Grant’s squad, and they weren’t given an ice cream’s chance in hell of winning the FA Cup semi-final.

They were up against Tottenham, a side managed by former Pompey favourite Harry Redknapp and driven on by Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe and Niko Kranjcar – three of the stars that served Pompey under Redknapp.

The underdogs were terrific, Frederic Piquionne striking nine minutes into extra-time, before Kevin-Prince Boateng scored from the penalty spot, to set up a final against Chelsea that will see Avram Grant face his former club.

Due to bonuses that the debt-ridden club needs to shirk and a web of contract clauses, it is still unclear which players will be allowed to play in the final.

But, whether or not they pull off Mission Impossible Part Two and beat Chelsea, and whether or not they are allowed a Europa League place next season, their FA Cup fairytale has been a bright light in Pompey’s darkest hour, and is unlikely to be forgotten any time soon.

Wolfsburg go from table-toppers to mid-table mediocrity

Reigning Bundesliga champions Wolfsburg suffered a 2-4 home defeat on Saturday to Werder Bremen, a result that leaves the Wolves in eighth, almost as close to the relegation zone as they are leaders Bayern Munich.

A year ago, the world’s football media were drooling over Wolves’ ‘magic triangle’ (Edin Dzeko, Grafite and Zvjezdan Misimovic) after they destroyed Bayern 5-1, inflicting their worst defeat in seven years.

This week, after an Arjen Robben hat-trick helped Bayern demolish Hannover 7-0, Louis van Gaal’s men now look down at a Wolfsburg side a whopping 17 points below them.

What a difference a year makes. Although it might have something to do with last season’s boss, Felix Magath, joining Schalke 04 in June - they lie in second place…

Mallorca in the Champions League places

Spanish side Mallorca are themselves fast establishing a reputation as the Portsmouth of La Liga.

The near bankrupt Balearic outfit were widely regarded as cannon fodder this term, and seen as likely relegation candidates, but they have been performing overwhelmingly above themselves so far this term and find themselves in fourth place with five matches remaining.

Having failed to lose in both matches with Villarreal, Valencia and Atletico Madrid (a win and a draw with each), scoring twice in defeat at the Nou Camp, and narrowly losing the return match, Mallorca have won over their critics in style.

With matches against Real Madrid, Athletic and Deportivo still to come, it will be hard work for los Barralets to retain their lofty position at the end of the season, but Mallorca will grab a surprise Champions League qualification spot if they manage it.

If they negotiate that, then a prestigious European place would go some way towards easing their financial burden. But one step at a time…

Juventus’ dismal season

The Old Lady started the season well. Back in August, Bianconeri fans were frothing at the mouth with excitement after their two expensive new recruits, Diego and Felipe Melo, scored as Juventus beat Roma 3-1 in their own back yard.

The optimism was short-lived, however, as Juve fans have since watched their side capitulate. A quick Champions League exit then turned to a quick Europa League exit at the hands of Fulham, while their league performance has been dire.

Sitting miserably in seventh, having sacked Ciro Ferrara and then continuing to have a torrid time under Alberto Zaccheroni, Juve could find themselves finishing out of the European places altogether unless they sort out their act in the last four games.

Liverpool could miss out on fourth place

Liverpool fans know all too well what the Juventus faithful are going through.

Rafa Benitez’ men lie sixth in the league, having suffered ten defeats and eight draws in their 35 matches so far.

Couple to this the embarrassing performance in the Champions League that saw them drop behind Fiorentina and Lyon into the Europa, and a third round FA Cup defeat to Championship side Reading, and it’s been a term to forget for the Scousers.

Hopes of change on the horizon have been buoyed by the decision of Hicks and Gillette to sell up, and their could yet be European silverware heading to Anfield, but for that to happen they will need to overcome Atletico Madrid without Fernando Torres, who has hopped off for another knee op.

Curiously, rumours abound that Benitez is leaving at the end of the season for… you guessed it, Juventus.

Fulham’s European adventure

Another team that stands in the way of the ‘Pool tasting glory in the Europa League is, surprisingly, Fulham.

Roy Hodgson’s brief time at Craven Cottage has been something of a revelation - saving the club from relegation, and taking them into Europe.

Many expected their European adventure to be a short and rather uninteresting one, but the Cottagers (and Channel Five) have had the last laugh, as the Premier League’s most likable club just got entertaining.

En route to this Thursday’s clash with Hamburger SV, Fulham beat current Europa champions Shakhtar Donetsk, turned around a two-goal first leg deficit with a 4-1 second leg win over European giants Juventus, and, most recently, defeated reigning German champions Wolfsburg home and away.

More bizarrely still, the club’s top goalscorer is one Bobby Zamora, who has netted nearly twenty times in all competitions to spark talk of a World Cup call-up.

All in all, such has been the remarkable rise of the Cottagers, Fulham will probably now only raise eyebrows if they fail to lift the trophy on May 12.

Roma are set to win the Scudetto

Yes, you read that right, Roma are in pole position in Serie A and set to win the Scudetto. More importantly for football fans across the globe, someone other than Inter is set to win the title.

Strangely, the manager behind this resurgence is ‘Tinkerman’ Claudio Ranieri. Sacked by Valencia and Juventus (albeit with a relegation-preventing season at Parma in between), the Roman boss seems to be thriving at the helm of his hometown club.

Mourinho’s men looked like shoe-ins for the honours for an age, but a slight blip at Catania last month, combined with the defeat to the Giallorossi saw the gap close to just one point.

Then, a fortnight ago, Roma’s win over Atalanta and Inter’s draw with Fiorentina saw Ranieri’s men go top of the Serie A standings – not only for the first time this season, but for the first time since September 2007. Victory over Lazio in a pressure-soaked Derby della Capitale this weekend shows that Roma mean business… can they hold out?

Newcastle are crowned champions

While hardly a surprise on paper, given the quality the Toon have in their squad compared with the rest of the Championship, who didn’t expect Newcastle to do a Leeds?

A caretaker manager, under-performing players, disenchanted fans, a transfer exodus and an unwanted board made up the maelstrom that engulfed St. James’ Park before the season had even kicked off.

Fortunately enough, Newcastle managed to hold onto the likes of Steven Taylor and Kevin Nolan, while the ‘Three Amigos’, Jose Enrique, Fabricio Coloccini and Jonas Gutierrez, settled into life on Tyneside and sparkled throughout the campaign.

With Andy Carroll, Peter Lovenkrands, and Kevin Nolan all hitting double figures, the Toon secured the title (and promotion back to the big time) with relative ease, much to the delight and intense relief of their Army of supporters.

Fantastic finish across Europe

While English fans’ eyes are fixated on the nail-biting title run-in between Chelsea and Manchester United, it seems that every league in Europe this year is heading the same way.

A single point separates the first-placed Blues from the Red Devils in second, as it does Barcelona from Madrid in La Liga, Roma from Inter in Serie A, and FC Twente from Ajax in the Eredivisie.

Bayern Munich are hardly bucking the trend with their slender two-point lead over Schalke 04.

Can you hear all that squeaking? That’s the bums of football fans across the continent, that is.

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The Tuesday 10: Memorable El Clasico clashes
The Tuesday 10: Crazy World Cup celebrations
The Tuesday 10: World Cup wondergoals
The Tuesday 10: Brilliant baldies
The Tuesday 10: Very naughty referees
The Tuesday 10: Superstitions
The Tuesday 10: Good football films
The Tuesday 10: Bad football films
The Tuesday 10: Shocking tackles
The Tuesday 10: Premier League centurions
The Tuesday 10: Best football adverts
The Tuesday 10: Footballers in bad adverts
The Tuesday 10: Notable January transfers
The Tuesday 10: Goals of the Decade
The Tuesday 10: Goalscoring goalies
The Tuesday 10: Freaky injuries
The Tuesday 10: Brazilians in England
The Tuesday 10: North London derbies
The Tuesday 10: Best footballing beards
The Tuesday 10: Best World Cup Absentees
The Tuesday 10: Golden oldies
The Tuesday 10: The best computer football games ever
The Tuesday 10: Controversial celebrations
The Tuesday 10: Dives worse than Eduardo's
The Tuesday 10: Football lyrics in rock
The Tuesday 10: Changing the course of history
The Tuesday 10: Football forfeits
The Tuesday 10: Goal celebrations

The soberly realistic, utterly depressed midweek Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 10:33:00 GMT

The past few days have brought introspection for many a Premier League manager, and a surprising number are opting for sober realism/cold defeatism (delete as appropriate).

First, there's Rafa Benitez, who admitted, with utter misery in his voice, "The difference [between Liverpool and 4th] is maybe too much now."

Then there's Alex Ferguson, never usually one to say die until the 98th minute, who has said: "It has slipped away from us."

But is it just typical mind games from the Scot? He went on to say: "We have a lifeline if Chelsea blow it. But to my eyes they have an easy game against Bolton on Tuesday. We would expect them to win that and it will put them four points clear."

Not only does that put pressure on Chelsea to win, it fires up Bolton. Mind games may be the sign of a man on the defensive, but some are most dangerous when they're in a corner.

Despite what Ferguson is seemingly saying, this title race is not over.

Tuesday

Chelsea vs Bolton

Bolton will probably be fired up by Fergie's comments, but it may not be enough. Even with Chelsea resting key players, the Blues should have enough firepower here.

On similar lines, what an utterly depressing FA Cup season this is turning out to be.

In the last 14 seasons, Portsmouth in 2008 was the only time a Big Four team missed out on the title. This year, it looked different. Liverpool and Manchester United out in the Third Round; Arsenal out in the Fourth. Even top four wannabes Manchester City and Everton were out by the fifth. This could be the year the big boys' dominance over the alleged fairytale cup was ended.

And who's in the final? Chelsea. Again. And they’re likely to see off Portsmouth too. Onward, onward marches the relentless surge of predictable cup winners.

In this game, Bolton...oh, who cares, we're too depressed.

What won't happen: Top-tier English football to ever be exciting again

What will happen: Rubbish! Of course English football can be exciting again – look at the battle for the title this year, between, uh, Chelsea...Manchester United...and Arsenal. Hmm. Home win

Wednesday

Aston Villa vs Everton

Many were expecting this game to be a battle for seventh and seventh alone, but Liverpool's slack 'n' sloppy slump 'n' slide sees Villa slowly slithering into slontention.

Sluddenly – sorry, suddenly – Villa have a great chance of bypassing the Reds. Two points behind with two games in hand and an easy run-in? Bosh. The charge for fourth may be over (O'Neill's charges are eight points behind Man City) but sixth and potentially fifth for a Europa League spot are well up for grabs.

Which would leave Liverpool in seventh. Now that really would be a season to forget.

What won't happen: This could be a great game. It won't be

What will happen: A third consecutive disappointing draw for Everton leaves Villa just as frustrated.

Spurs vs Arsenal

Norf Lahndan derbies simply don't get bigger than this. For Arsenal, this is possibly the last chance to stay in the title hunt, overtaking Manchester United if they win. For Spurs, this is the biggest league game since Lasagnegate at West Ham.

The big news for Arsenal is that Robin Van Persie might make a surprise return after five months out. The big news for Spurs is that their entire season could be over in the space of four days. Pompey fans looking for an FA Cup Final ticket might want to scout around eBay for 'DejectedAsEver', and 'WhyBother_91'.

But here, over 90 minutes, Spurs can stop their season hitting the titters and keep on Man City's tail. Can they pull an absolutely massive result out of the bag? This cartoonist says no (and furthermore, he's glad your dog died)

What won't happen: This is the first of Tottenham's trio of nightmare fixtures: Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United. Can they take at least two crucial wins from these three games? Do bears buy bog roll?

What will happen: There's a very predictable pattern in relation to Spurs results: whatever this blog predicts, the opposite happens. So, predicting a draw here – does that mean it'll be a thumping win either way?

Wigan vs Portsmouth

Hull's defeat to Burnley must have had Latics fans dancing in the streets, doing the Wigan Jive.

A win would have put Hull just one point behind Martinez's men; as it is, both they and Burnley are four points adrift, with Wigan waving happily from the shore. Three points here could wrap up safety, albeit with flimsy, three-year old Christmas paper that falls apart with the slightest tug.

And these are crazy times for Pompey, officially relegated from the Premier League but just as officially in the FA Cup Final for the second time in three years.

How do you react to such opposing fortunes? It's like being kicked in the gut but then, as you go down gasping for air, having £50 notes shoved in your mouth. On which you choke. And die. But you're brought back to life 20 minutes later by the love of your life. Who leaves you. But you win the lottery and celebrate with a hotel room full of beautiful hookers. On whom you then choke. And die. Happy.

Look, the point is it's a time of mixed emotions, all right? It's a tragedy when bad things happen to good metaphors.

What won't happen: This may be why no one is publishing this blog's novel, The Mystery of the Slightly Rusted Metal Drainpipe

What will happen: It depends entirely on whether Portsmouth turn up – the happy heroes of Wembley or the hungover heroes of Wembley. This blog expects the latter. Home win

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The arm-flailing shirt-pulling Premier Preview

Huw Davies — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:54:00 GMT

Moving house, your blogger has dug out a dog-eared copy of childhood staple Gary Lineker's Favourite Football Stories, complete with a smiling, considerably less grey Lineker and wackily animated bouncing footballs in place of any ‘o’s.

The first and probably last in a not-even-occasional series will ruin the ending for anyone who hasn't read John Goodwin’s coming-of-age classic Charlotte's Wanderers, but for anyone who has or never will, here's a touch of inspirational nostalgia for you. It's edutainment!

"I learned two things that afternoon at Park Grove – things I should have known all the time if I'd stopped to think about it.

"The first was that it's no good being a selfish player, setting out to win the match single-handed. Football is a team game and if you forget that you could end up doing a nosedive on the turf like I did.

"The second thing was to do with Charlotte – she was developing into a really good player. Soon she'll be playing in better teams than the Wanderers. Maybe she'll get a place in an England women's team. And what after that? The Premier Division? Once I would have thought that a ridiculous idea, but now I'm not so sure."

Sadly, attitudes towards women in the Prem remain the same, forcing Charlotte to change her name to Carlos and sign for Man City.

Saturday

Birmingham vs Arsenal

Eduardo returns to the place where he was annihilated by Martin Taylor. Cue another completely accidental ‘horror tackle’ that has Wenger apopleptic with mindless rage.

Brum, meanwhile, need to stop the rot after defeats to fellow water-treaders Sunderland and Blackburn. It won’t start here.

What won’t happen: Wenger: “In retrospect, maybe I was wrong about Martin Taylor.”

What will happen: Away win.

Bolton vs Manchester United

Nani dearest has signed a four-year contract renewal with the Red Devils, which was slightly unexpected. Many thought the Portuguese winger was on his way out in the summer after a few loose words (and the fact that Valencia clearly offers more), but Sir Alec has decided he’s matured and wants to keep him on his books. Anderson... well, we’ll see.

Meanwhile, Ryan Giggs has suggested he might return for Wales, ostensibly to cover for the injured Aaron Ramsey but more likely because he fancies playing England in the World Cup qualifiers. Given the youth of Wales’ side these days, he’d probably double the average age.

What won’t happen: Giggs will return, but it won’t be the same (*sniff*).

What will happen: Gary ‘Blood clot’ Cahill will play for the first time in seven weeks, but he can’t stop a home defeat.

Chelsea vs Aston Villa

Bad news for the Blues: Ricardo Carvalho injured himself in the 5-0 thumping of Portsmouth, which is a bit like winning the lottery then dying of shock (kinda). He's out for a month.

Pompey fans would say it's karma: flying limbs from Florent Malouda and Daniel Sturridge meant a fractured cheekbone and a broken nose for Ricardo Rocha and Tommy Smith respectively, who failed to get out of arms' way. Neither Chelsea player was sent off, so expect a few boos – after all, clouting Portsmouth players is just kicking a team when they're down.

And down they will be in a matter of time. Even a miracle worker wouldn't fancy his chances with Portsmouth this year, especially when they're being so generous at the back – David James conceded a howler against Chelsea.

Still, it's nice that generosity is extending to the back room: James is said to be the leader of a group of players paying the wages of several members of staff who would otherwise have been sacked. One of these staff members: the players' masseur. You scratch my back, I’ll rub yours.

What won't happen: This wonderful spirit of charity to spread to other footballers on five- or six-figure weekly sums.

What will happen: Villa's difficult run (home draws with Wolves and Sunderland) continues/Villa's unbeaten run in the league this year (10 games, no defeats) comes to an end.

Hull vs Fulham

The less said about Hull's last-minute capitulation to Pompey the better, so that's some words saved. Iain Dowie probably found a few in the dressing room to make up the difference.

For Fulham, John Paintsil returns to training after three months campaigning for people to spell his name correctly. Even though he didn't succeed, expect a lap of honour.

Remember the name...

It must be so strange to be his team-mate when he does that. Walking back to the dressing room, chatting, bantering – "Hey, did you see Gary's face when I nutmegged him, John? John? Oh... bye then. "

Fulham's plucky FA Cup campaign came to an end despite every commentator in the land willing them on against Spurs. It's true they played superbly in the first half and deserve their amazing season, but it was like listening to God vs Satan or something. If the Cottagers reach the Europa League final, there'll be a serious danger of on-air orgasm.

What won't happen: Hopefully, a display of shirt-pulling quite as disgraceful as Bobby Zamora's in the second half, when Sebastian Bassong quite reasonably tried to belt his eyes out through the back of his head. Zamora was like a cruel five-year-old holding a cat by the tail, gleefully watching his attempts to escape.

What will happen: Fulham get back on track with a win to add to Dowie's despair.

Spurs vs Portsmouth

There's a lot being made of the FA semi-final showdown between 'Arry Redknapp and the sinking ship he had helmed, and here's the dress rehearsal.
Will Tottenham make it five league wins in a row? Will they somehow fail to finish fourth? Will Portsmouth win at White Hart Lane and begin the mother of all relegation comebacks?

Yes, yes, no.

What won't happen: 'Arry can't get away with bringing off a defender for a striker again, as he did against Fulham midweek. If Ćorluka doesn't pass a fitness test, Assou-Ekotto will have to move to right-back. Loaning out everybody may have seemed a good idea at the time, but right when they need depth, Spurs have gone from five fit strikers to two and three fit right-backs to zero.

What will happen: Nevertheless, they brush aside Pompey to strengthen that Champions League claim.

West Ham vs Stoke

Blimey, David Sullivan just won’t shut up, will he? In the space of just two days after West Ham’s defeat to Wolves, the Cockney pornster (as opposed to cocky porn star) made two brilliantly contradictory announcements.

First, there was the open letter slamming the performance, saying “Nobody should delude themselves that we are a good team” but pleading with the fans to have patience. The West Ham players were booed and treated to cries of “You’re not fit to wear the shirt”, while Zola was on the end of “You’re getting sacked in the morning.” Sullivan’s reaction seemed to be, “Look, I know we were sh*t, but only I’m allowed to say so.”

Then, fearing he’d kicked a hornet’s nest, Sullivan insisted he was “very confident” the Hammers would stay up, although he again suggested they don’t deserve to.

If the response of Cap’n Upson is anything to go by, the players are ignoring their owner’s laments as the insane ramblings of a confused old man.

What won’t happen: David Gold steps in complete with bowler hat and moustache and berates Sullivan for being useless, completing the Laurel and Hardy image.

What will happen: In a dour game, West Ham fall to a sixth league defeat in a row.

Another fine mess, etc

Wolves vs Everton

There's probably never been a better time to be a Wolves fan this season. Oh, except when they held Liverpool to a draw. And when they beat Spurs. And when they beat Spurs again. Where were we?

Anyway, seven points from nine, including invaluable wins over relegation rivals West Ham and Burnley, has lifted the Midlands side seven points clear of the drop zone.

Everton, meanwhile, would be joint top of the league if the season began in 2010. That's one of those facts that doesn't really mean anything but makes everyone go "Oh" in the pub – some in interest, some in feigned interest and some in pain as the suicide pills kick in.

What won't happen: A home win. Since we're on the stats, Wolves are the only Premier League team this season to take fewer points at home than on the road. They've also scored only one goal in nearly ten hours of football at Molineux. Mick McCarthy's middle name is Joseph. Those pills slipping down all right?

What will happen: Everton storm to another away win.

Sunday

Burnley vs Blackburn

The Cotton-Mill Derby, or Hotpot Derby for some ignorant southerners, comes at a crucial time for Burnley.

The Clarets almost took home a result against Wigan but an injury-time winner from Hugo Rodallega deprived them of a second – yes, second – point in 16 away games this season. Relying desperately on their home form, the Clarets need to stop the gap becoming a chasm.

Blackburn can sympathise, or would if they didn't prefer hating their Lancashire rivals. Rovers have notched up just six away points all season, fewer than any club bar Hull and Burnley.

But Big Sam is accentuating the positives, claiming they're "in the top four of the Premier League with home results". It's not true – they’re seventh – but hey, it sounds good. Lies, damned lies and statistics and all that.

Still, Rovers' impressive run continued with a 2-1 win over Birmingham in The Battle of the Mid-Table, not coming to a cinema near you. Headline writers had a field day ('Boy Dunn Good', 'Job Dunn', 'This Joke's Been Dunn') thanks to both goals coming from the Brum alumnus. Dunn scored in the fifth minute to fulfil this blog's prediction of an early Rovers goal, before ruining the fun by scoring the winner when we'd plumped for a draw. b*st*rd.

What won't happen: A nice, friendly atmosphere at Turf Moor.

What will happen: Blackburn finally grab only their second away win of the season.

Liverpool vs Sunderland

Strip reproduced courtesy of Studs-Up.com - click to see more

Don't mention the beach ball. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

What won't happen: Five minutes of the match to pass without a commentator mentioning the beach ball. Scratch that, five seconds.

What will happen: Extra security doesn't stop at least one Sunderland wag throwing a beach ball onto the pitch. Horrible draw for Liverpool.

Monday

Manchester City vs Wigan

The age-old who-would-win-in-a-fight-between-Mancini-and-Moyes almost yielded an answer as the Italian started a scuffle in trying to retrieve the ball. The pair were very mature after the game, but only once they’d hidden their handbags.

What won’t happen: Mancini vs Martinez – the Spaniard is too cool for that. A fight might ruffle his coat.

What will happen: Home win

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