La Liga Loca

A sideways look at Spanish football


Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot

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“Support us or sizzle!” says Laporta


Tuesday 04 November 2008 10:20

Last Thursday, barmy Barcelona president Joan ‘Joan’ Laporta was slumped on his throne, in the deepest darkest corner of the Kingdom Cataluyna.

Poor Joan was not a happy bunny.

Stroking the trigger of his PinSat laser deathray, he chuckled as he reflected fondly on those dreamy days spent taking sub-orbital potshots at Ronaldinho’s agent or bailing out Oleguer after his latest bar brawl.

But then his smile faded. Laporta knew something was missing from his life.

The Barça bigwig’s mood of melancholy was further worsened when the grey, sleep-deprived, sweaty face of Ramón Calderón popped up on his gigantic plasmatron screen.

“Mafia! Conspiracy! Lizards! Aaarrrggggghhhh!” yelled his Real Madrid counterpart in one of the most bizarre press conferences held in la Liga since Miguel Angel Lotina burst into a chorus of Happy Talk after a Deportivo disaster. “You may have stolen the last two league titles, but you’re not taking my role as the most paranoid Primera president!” yelled the fist-pumping Laporta, hurling his crown at the sixty-foot screen.


A president and a King. Don't ask.

With everything going tickety-boo on the field for his football team, Laporta had to get creative. And quickly. So, on Monday, Joan went before the press to reveal the conspiracy that Real Madrid’s journalistic minions were embarking on their own conspiracy to derail Barcelona’s fine form by complaining about Catalan referees.

“It’s normal that when things are going well, people try to destabilise us,” opined Laporta on those terrible headlines in Marca claiming that “the Dream Team is back” and Sunday's evil editorial saying that Barcelona were “a team with no limits, this season, in every competition”.

Laporta also leapt upon the publication of footage of Messi spitting in Duda’s direction, the previous Saturday, as further indication that those in Castle Greyskull are rocked and rattled. Although La Liga Loca thinks that if someone can’t have a good gob on the football field then there’s something wrong with the world, this particular locomotive of controversy appears to have ground to a shuddering halt just a few metres out of the station. Not unlike the Barcelona metro.

Mundo Deportivo have put their inky-fingered weight behind Laporta’s latest rant with Francesc Aguilar asking if “people are that afraid of Pep Guardiola’s Barça?” However, his opining partner-in-crime, Santi Nolla, has come out with all Catalan guns blazing by pointing out that Barcelona are currently top of not one but three European leagues. “In Europe there are two more leaders,” wrote Santi, possibly swigging some turps. “The Chelsea of Deco in England and the Milan of Ronaldinho in Italy”.


"You will support us. You will support us. You will..."

Sport’s efforts are focussed on getting those lazy-boned, workshy, armchair loving Barcelona fans out of their houses and into the Camp Nou for Tuesday’s Champions League clash against Basel.

And to do this, they have produced a handy five-point plan on why being rained on for two hours is a fine way to spend the evening.

1) To see the team qualify for the next stages.
2) The chance to watch another thrashing of some hapless footballing stooge.
3) To respond to the good work of Guardiola.
4) Help continue the run of wins.
5) Joan Laporta knows where you live and will destroy your houses with his deathray.

At least one of those should be incentive enough.  

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About Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot

When he isn't fighting the evil forces of flamenco or attracting libel actions for La Liga Loca, Tim Stannard is building his media empire in Madrid. As well as contributing to Football365 and doing odd jobs elsewhere, Tim also works in the glamorous world of television as a producer, script writer, news editor, coffee boy and stand-in fluffer.

Simon Talbot? Well, he's a man of mystery.

Comments

  November 4, 2008 11:00

kbones said:

Gosh, the world would be so much funnier if all the politicians were club presidents instead.

  November 4, 2008 12:06

Paul said:

refernce number 5- Should be "Or build houses on ground next to your house causing up to 3 years of disruption to your everyday life without him giving a flying one. Despite the fact that the local community voted overwhelmingly against it".Visca "the People's Club"

By the way this is their "community" plan for the Mini- Stadium. Private housing as well none of that cheap public rubbish.Locals wanted a park.

Oh yes and the renaming of every Metro station. So they are called Camp Nou,Then ,One stop from Camp Nou,You get the idea.

  November 4, 2008 12:12

AdamCule said:

Poor old Joan, it's been at least two days since he was last in the headlines.What's a president to do when things are going well and it's only November, meaning nobody (apart from the press) can get too excited? I'd like to see Joan and Daniel "Dani" Sanchez Llibre do a duet of "happy talk" at some point. Now that would be worth watching and Espanyol would get more turning up for that than they did for their game against Osasuna.

  November 4, 2008 13:00

AdamCule said:

Paul, we've only requested that one metro station which has yet to be built be named "Camp Nou". Fair enough really considering the amount of people that come from far and wide to visit our stadium, which is why it has attraced widespread support. Maybe you could petition the Ajuntament of Cornellà to name a bus stop after your club?

The planning application has yet to be heard or accepted but since when have any local residents ever approved of any building project? If you left it up to local residents then nothing would get built thanks to the "Not on my doorstep" mentality. Funnily enough there isn't a lot of money in park land and Barça need the money from the sale of the land to finance the modernisation of the Camp Nou. You object to the housing being private but you'd be moaning like hell if the city council bought the land to build public housing.  

  November 4, 2008 17:50

Guerrero said:

Yeah, Pablo Perico aside (and I luvya, man, what's life w/o a nemesis), I have to say Barça would be so cool without this ... Catalan thang. Doh, I said it! I really do get tired of the political melodrama. Not that no one else is doing it, but it just detracts from the real issue: the game. On the other hand, I grew up in a place where gossip and political melodrama were the community's way of entertaining itself, so maybe I'm biased. The good news: the Blaugrana are on a royal tear on the pitch. You think a flooded field's going to make your game any easier against FCB? Think again, mi amigo. And, the whole spitting thing? When I was playing as a youth in the 70s and 80s there were some games I used the ball as a convenient alibi for doing a roundkick at an opponent's head. And, of course, they deserved it.

  November 4, 2008 20:14

Paul said:

So according to Adam ,Barça are more important than Local people.

You made some fair points but yet again the "community club" shafts the community. Do you honestly believe they won't get their way ?

By the way i think cheap affordable housing would be giving back to the local people who suffer enough on match days. As long as the council built the houses i'd have no problem with that,Honest.

they can't exactly lower the tone with your mob there can they.

  November 4, 2008 20:55

nos gusta quejarse said:

"Now that would be worth watching and Espanyol would get more turning up for that than they did for their game against Osasuna."

there was only so few fans becuase it was raining. we are usually the greatest fans in spain for atmosphere and loyalty but you can't expect us too go to the crap stadium in the rain when it doesn't have a roof

  November 5, 2008 00:07

sameoldcabbage said:

I think you have to look at Gijón for loyal fans. Look at how many travel to away games. I don't think any other club can match them for this.

  November 5, 2008 14:51

AdamCule said:

Paul, I don't think Barca are more important than the local people but the project in question could be of benefit to the city and "local residents" are never the ones to listen to because in every planning project the "local residents" have objections. That's why there are planning committees to decide on such things.

I don't believe for a minute that you wouldn't be screaming "corruption" at an annoyingly loud volume if the city council bought the land.

  November 6, 2008 15:13

Paul said:

Who controls Barcelona city council ? they are members of which "Sporting Club" ?

This project is only of benefit to one group of people who also happen to have more than half a dozen property developers on the board and local council members too.

The raining thing. You lot are the worst. Watch their attendences when it rains. It drops by about 20,000.

remember the champions league match against Newcastle. It P***** it down and the total attendance was 20,000 including 6,000 from Newcastle.

110,00 season ticket holders - 14,000 = 96,000 people missing.

Barça wins again

  November 6, 2008 16:49

AdamCule said:

Paul, when it comes to Barça-Espanyol, we nearly always win ;) At least you'll be the biggest club in Cornellà.

  November 6, 2008 17:02

AdamCule said:

By the way, you're inventing "facts" again (like the theory that Barça had more Nike logos on their strip than any other side - simply untrue). We don't have 110,000 season ticket holders, our stadium only holds 98,000 and we have 70,000 STH's. That's still a lot of no-shows and there are few if any excuses for their poor attendances whilst thousands who would show up every week are made to buy tickets they can little afford every week (the discount on ST's is massive at Barça).