A Spain XI for a fairer fight on Wednesday
Wednesday 11 February 2009 11:30
It’s relatively rare to be invited to a Spaniard’s home to be entertained. And with good reason too, considering it makes more sense for your Tupperware parties to take place in a tapas bar where they are fairly liberal on drumstick dropping and bone tossing.
But when you are finally let into an Iberian abode, the hosts can be very hospitable indeed, so long as you are not attached to one of their adorable daughter’s faces at the time.
For this reason, La Liga Loca calls upon the Spanish FA to make some radical changes to the squad to take on England on Wednesday night.
At the moment, its not even close to a being a fair fight. They have invited Capello’s crusaders into their homes, only to humble and humiliate them.
To help the bigwigs running the game in Spain with their decision making, the blog has some suggestions to help Stewart Downing feel a little less out of place.
AS predict tonight’s England XI to be James, G.Johnson, Ferdinand, Terry, A.Cole, Beckham, Carrick, Lampard, Downing, Agbonlahor and Crouch.
So, this is La Liga Loca’s XI to help make the sleep-inducing 10pm kick-off a little more even...
Santi Cañizares / David James
The former Valencia man may not have seen too much action this season since being moved out of Mestalla, but Santi has the cool hair and inability to cover his near post to make him a perfect partner for England’s No.1.
Ivan Helguera / Rio Ferdinand
La Liga Loca has selected a defender who plays like a duck against a footballer who looks like one.
"What's up duck..."
Carlos Marchena / John Terry
What’s needed here is a filthy, constantly outclassed, slow-witted brute loved by home fans but universally loathed by everyone else. Come on down, Carlos Marchena.
Fernando Alonso / Ashley Cole
Whiny, money-obsessed, not as good as they like to think and a tendency to change teams once toys have been thrown out of pram. A perfect pair.
Guti / Glen Johnson
The Real Madrid man will be slightly out of position but La Liga Loca simply cannot leave out a footballer that looks like this, these days.
Penelope Cruz / David Beckham
Fancied the world over, owns a house in Madrid, recently admitted to preferring Italy, has spent far too much time in Tom Cruise’s company and looks fantastic in shorts. As does Penelope Cruz.
Enrique Iglesias / Frank Lampard
With his portly reputation and tendency to blast balls over the bar, Maniche would have been an excellent choice. But, seeing as he’s Portuguese, La Liga Loca has gone for little Enrique as the perfect match - inexplicably loved by millions and only has a career because of a famous father.
Any Spanish ‘X-Factor’ winner / Michael Carrick
Both produce feelings of despair and indifference whenever you see them play.
Andrés Montes / Stewart Downing
La Sexta’s lead commentator and Middlesbrough’s wizard of the wing are two footballing figures who provoke the same reaction from vexed viewers. “I can do better” and “please God, take me now.”
César Azpilicueta / Agbonlahor
The Osasuna full-back is another footballer who will be pushed up front to play out of position. But, most importantly, he’s another footballer who is completely unheard of outside his native country and whose name will be unpronounceable to the local commentators.
Azpi... Azpilic... ah forget it
Angel Arizmendi / Peter Crouch
To match the England player with the heading ability of Kryton from Red Dwarf, La Liga Loca has chosen to promote a legend of the Spanish game - and the second division - to make sure the laughs are shared equally on Wednesday night.
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About Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot
When he isn't fighting the evil forces of flamenco or attracting libel actions for La Liga Loca,
Tim Stannard is building his media empire in Madrid. As well as contributing to Football365 and doing odd jobs elsewhere, Tim also works in the glamorous world of television as a producer, script writer, news editor, coffee boy and stand-in fluffer.
Simon Talbot? Well, he's a man of mystery.