The Character-Lacking Weekend Predictions - Round 7
Friday 16 October 2009 11:30
If a plastic surgery and showbiz analogy can be stretched to its furthest possible boundaries without snapping back and hitting La Liga Loca on the forehead, then the self-proclaimed “best league in the world” is not dissimilar a slightly past-it, tart-with-a-heart, working-in-a-diner, boob-jobbed Michelle Pfeiffer: perfectly acceptable fare if you happen to a be a taxi driver.
The enormous, pert, attention-grabbing knockers are, of course, Real Madrid and Barcelona, but the overall affect is ruined for most picky punters by an enormous, hair-sprouting mole above Michelle’s top lip.
This week’s unfortunate and unwanted growth in la Liga is Deportivo, who are taking the fourth-place guest spot in the continuing AWOL-ness of Valencia, Villarreal and Atlético.
But despite the evidence apparently showing that Deportivo (sigh) is one of Spain’s top sides at the moment, professional misery bags, Miguel Angel Lotina, will not let one moment of happiness sneak into Saturday’s opening encounter against 3rd-placed Sevilla.
“There’s a certain euphoria amongst the fans and at the club,” droned the Depor boss, “but luckily this has not entered the dressing room. And nor will it.”
"Oooh, we're fourth. Whoopy-bloody-do"
In the opposition camp for the clash in La Coruña, Luis Fabiano has given another Paul McCartney, thumbs aloft, “I love it, here, me!” message to Sevilla fans with his gleeful confession that his “contract is running out and, in time, this will help my departure.”
Once Sevilla have disposed of Deportivo’s body on Saturday, Real Madrid entertain Valladolid, opposition considerably less sexy than AC Milan, Wednesday’s visitors to the Bernabeu.
And this is why Guti has suddenly come down with another unfortunately-timed injury which may just heal by Sunday morning.
After all, the Real Madrid midfielder missed a training session last week due to a back twinge but ended up playing a full round of golf later the same day.
At 10pm, Valencia host Barcelona with the club pulling a fast one on the injury status of David Villa - or so the blog suspects.
But the really fun stuff regarding this fixture is the superlative stirring from the Madrid press in regards to institutional affairs at the Camp Nou club.
AS report that Joan ‘Joan’ Laporta is set reward Joan Oliver, the corporate director general in the centre of the spy-gate affair, by increasing his salary from a piffling €240,000 to €800,000.
And looking at the substantial size of the fella, this can only be good news for the Catalan pie industry.
An opposition supporters group is set to report Laporta to the Spanish Plod, arguing that the club president is not in the position to make this crisis-busting move for his best buddy.
“Laporta is a genius in farce and manipulation,” j’accused Barça socio, Robert Blanch.
Laporta himself is pictured in Friday’s papers looking as happy as Florentino Pérez in a suit shop, holding a burning torch and surrounded by flags at another Catalan independence event.
“Politicians have tried to shut me up many times,” said the Barcelona president in a speech. Unfortunately they have all failed.
Sunday’s 5pm encounters are headed by Xerez against Villarreal, with the first bottom-dwelling outfit involved in a buyout and the second facing a possible change in manager if Ernesto Valverde royally balls things up in Andalusia.
It’s been an entertaining week in Cornella-land with Espanyol’s Raúl Tamudo crying like a big girl’s blouse due to the club’s sporting directors coming out and accusing the striker of seeking a departure in January and refusing the captain’s armband after the death of Daniel Jarque.
“I’m very angry about what happened,” blubbed the rodent-faced ranger.
“I don’t deserve to be treated the way I have been lately and don’t understand why this is happening.”
"Why God? WHYYYYYYYYY???"
Former Espanyol boss, Paco Flores, agrees that the pouch-possessing poacher has been given a rough ride by the club where he has been for 57 years.
“We are copying the worst aspects of that other lot (possibly Barcelona? LLL) because they never let any player leave through the front door.”
Mallorca are hoping for decent turnout, for once, for the visit of Getafe.
But they will be peeing in the wind as home crowds have yet to go above 11,500 mark so far this season.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” shrugged midfielder Tuni on the distinct lack of local interest in the club’s footballing affairs.
Zaragoza face Racing and Málaga host Almería, with the only notable nodule of news from the second encounter is that referee Mejuto Gonzalez will equal the Spanish record of officiating in 248 matches.
Unfortunately, the man in black may not be able whistle blow many more as he has reached the local retirement age of 45.
And this is why he is said to be contemplating a move to the Premier League where he would have four more years of ruining perfectly good games.
In praising the style of the English game, González says that he tries to copy it by claiming that “the referee should earn the respect of a footballer, not the fear.
"Although sometimes I see myself on TV and scare myself with my gestures.”
At 7pm, Sporting and their 15,000 or so travelling fans trundle up to take on Athletic before the latest round of action closes with Atlético losing to Osasuna in Pamplona.
Another topsy-turvy week at the Vicente Calderón saw manager Abel Resino adopt that cunning tactic of insulting his own players - not without good reason, mind.
He complained that “the dressing room lacks character” and possibly predicted his imminent dismissal by declaring that “the club would be managed with an English model. Spanish football simply doesn’t believe in projects.”
LLL Predictions
Deportivo vs Sevilla (Away win)
Real Madrid vs Valladolid (Home win)
Valencia vs Barcelona (Draw)
Xerez vs Villarreal (Away win)
Espanyol vs Tenerife (Home win)
Mallorca vs Getafe (Home win)
Zaragoza vs Racing (Draw)
Málaga vs Almería (Home win)
Athletic vs Sporting (Home win)
Osasuna vs Atlético (Home win)
---------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...
La Liga Loca home
Blogs home
Latest Spain news
News home
Interviews home
Forums home
FourFourTwo.com home
Follow La Liga Loca on Twitter
Follow FFT.com on Twitter
or
to add your comments
About Tim Stannard
La Liga Loca is the playground for the evil, more childish half of Tim Stannard’s psyche to be let loose. The other 50% is a contributor to FourFourTwo magazine, Football365, Sabotage Times as well as other publications such as UEFA Champions Magazine and When Saturday Comes. He is also a regular guest on Real Madrid TV’s Extra Time show and works as a TV producer extraordinaire for hire. To contact Tim directly email laligaloca@yahoo.co.uk