La Liga Loca

Tomás Roncero: football genius

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 12:59:00 GMT

Never look a gift horse in the mouth, they say. Now, La Liga Loca hasn’t got a clue what that actually means. But it’s not going to, oh no sir.

You can accuse us of going for easy targets all you like, you can say it’s not fair to drag up the past, and you can point at the many, many times we’ve been so very, very wrong. About football. About life. About whether that really was the Zaragoza president grinning over that pint. About whether that girl was in fact a boy.

You can even accuse us of having an unnatural obsession with howling mad Tomás Roncero. You might even be right. In fact, oddly, he might even be right (and let’s face it the fans are the biggest turncoat hypocrites of the lot). But we don’t care. This one is too good to refuse.

So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, here’s what AS’s resident loony Tomás Roncero wrote back in February, the morning before Spain played a friendly in Malaga without Roncero’s beloved Raúl. The same Spain that has just won Euro 2008 without the same Raúl.

Aragones fights his corner

“Spain is all a-clamour. The whole country is out on the streets, crying “Raúl! Selección!” the people are always right and yesterday they provided the words for a new national anthem - the anthem that Raúl listens to with his head turned to the heavens, the one that produces goose bumps on the skin of millions of Spaniards.

Málaga is a city that loves the national team and they have decided to do something about this shameful situation [in which Raul has been left out of the national team]. Whether Luis Aragonés likes it or not 80% of fans are on Raul’s side. His 102 caps and 44 goals are but a reflection of the most important fact: Raul is a standard-bearer, the reference point, a leader for the national team.

The fans feel orphaned without him and they’ll keep on fighting to make sure he goes, come what may, to the European Championships. The key is the coach. He said the other day “the Federation should sack me” [actually, he didn’t quite say that, Tomás – LLL]. Well, it’s time to take him on his word, no more discussions. When Aragonés arrived in Malaga the other day he came across a protest: “Raúl! Raúl! Raúl!

That’s just a taster of what awaits him tonight. The whole of the stadium will appeal for justice for this prize player who has given his all to the national team for the last 10 years. Even the Federation president Villar said “Raul is the best player in Spain”. I agree, president. Let’s get Del Bosque and Camacho ready to take over from Aragonés. [Sporting director] Hierro should think about it. We need a Euro 2008 with Raúl.”

Need? Orphaned? Leader?

There, there, Tomás. Time for a lie down.

You do know I'm 69...

No fun in the sun for Barça's big cheese

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 11:42:00 GMT

Wherever you are in the world - even if it's Lincolnshire - you're probably having a chirpier summer than poor old ducking and covering Barcelona bigwig, Joan Laporta.

The lobster-like La Liga Loca, for one, has been spending the sticky season hiding its milky soft skin from the scorching Madrid sun, chuckling at the three feet height difference between Lord of the Flies, David Bisbal and lovely Rihanna and waiting for the Madrid masses to bugger off to the beach and leave the city streets all Day of the Triffids.

Joan Laporta is currently hanging onto his Barcelona desk like Maniche being hauled away from an all-you-can-eat-buffet.

The Barça president survived the vote of confidence called by super socio, Oriol "I'm doing this for the good of the club and not for my own personal glorification, no siree Bob" Giralt. But by the skin of his flashy white teeth.

Laporta: All smiles, but for how much longer?

60% of the vote went against Laporta, but it was not enough to call new elections seeing as 65% was needed. And this is where La Liga Loca feels a little sorry for Laporta. A sensation it is not enjoying at all.

Although it was a hefty percentage that poo-pooed Joan, only 37,000 or so bothered to go to the polls out of possible 118,000 leaving a significant majority either indifferent to the whole affair, too lazy to vote, doing something better with their time, in favour of Laporta or smart enough to realise that a presidential election at the start of season would be a tremendously entertaining act of self destruction.

Several days after the poll results were released, eight members of the Barcelona board stepped down for the motives of honour and nobility. And not to manoeuvre themselves into prime position for the presidential trough come 2010's election. Like former VP Ferran Soriano for instance.

"I'm not the source of instability," shrugged Laporta and for once in his life, he was right. And it's an opinion echoed by former Barça coach, Udo Lattek, who complains in Kicker that the Camp Nou possesses an "environment of politics, power, vanity and envy."

But to be fair to the Catalan club, that's pretty much the situation across La Liga with club boardrooms packed with more shady characters than an Eminem lookalike convention.

A lazy-arsed La Liga Loca has been trying to avoid all things related to the game in Spain. But the blog's goal has not been helped by the constant appearance of Real Madrid president, Ramón Calderón, on every media possible and even in its dreams. But let's not go there.

Whether it was Euro 2008, Wimbledon, Celebrity Masterchef or perched on Sepp Blatter's knee (not all of these are entirely true), there was Ramón with his irritating 'look at me in my fancy seat' expression.

If he turns up at Madrid's Summercase festival this weekend high-fiving Nick Cave, then by jimminy they'll be trouble.

Calderon crops up again, this time at Spain vs Russia

When not taking advantage of every freebie going in the Western world, Calderón has been going back on his promise - fancy that - to spanishize Real Madrid's squad and promote more home grown talent.

Gone are Javier Balbao and, more surprisingly, Esteban Granero who has been flogged to Getafe. And coming in - possibly - is a certain Portuguese pouter and Rafael Van der Vaart, leaving the Bernabeu side with about as many Spaniards in the side as you would find still passing drugs tests in the Tour de France.

Valencia and instability go together like José Antonio Reyes and whining, so it was no surprise when the story emerged that brand new big cheese in Mestalla, Juan Villalonga, wants to kick Unai Emery's youthful booty out - despite having only been at the club for seven minutes - and replace him with the wrinkly old vein-ridden posterior of Luis Aragonés.

When La Liga Loca first brought the name of Villalonga up it warned that it had already taken an instant dislike to to the corporate superstar seeing as he used to head up Telefonica, the most feckless bunch of shysters you could ever come across. But it was a company he was forced to resign from in July 2000 having been investigated for insider trading.

So rather expecting a period of calm and stability, the blog has its cushions plumped and ready for another season of lunacy. And it has started with the sacking of the previous sporting director and the appointment of the fourth in a year, Xavier Azkargorta.

Atlético Madrid have kicked off their pre season with a defeat to Mexican side, Pueblo. La Liga Loca tuned in, saw Cléber Santana in the line up, realised that the rojiblancos couldn't have been taking the match that seriously and tuned out 14 seconds later.

And that's the way things will stay until the end of the month. After all, there's a very Spanish version of Where's Wally to keep the blog entertained... spotting Ramón Calderón.

********

La Liga Loca's Summertime Sack Race Odds

Paco Chaparro (Betis): 3-1
Javier Aguirre (Atlético): 6-1
Unai Emery (Valencia): 10-1
Muggins at Espanyol: 12-1
Bernd Schuster (Real Madrid): 15-1 (old habits)

Is Sepp Blatter for Real?

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 11:24:00 GMT

So, Sepp Blatter thinks that Cristiano Ronaldo is a slave and – more importantly – that Manchester United should stop flipping well whinging and let him go and join Real Madrid.

Which poses a question:

Is this the same Sepp Blatter who is an honorary member of Real Madrid?

Who was presented with the club’s gold and diamond award?

Who embraced Real Madrid president Ramón Calderón with a great big manly bear-hug? (And that was in public; God only knows what they got up to behind closed doors)

Who described Real Madrid as “more than a club.”

"Who do I support? I support football in general, of course"

Who almost cried as he told how he used to love watching Alfredo Di Stéfano as a kid, at a time when Madrid were lording it over Europe?

Who admitted that as a boy he was a Real Madrid fan (As a boy?! As a bloody boy?!)

Who revealed that he made his local team in Switzerland wear white in honour of Real Madrid?

Who could never blame Ronaldo for wanting to go to Madrid, even though United are European Champions and Madrid can’t even get past the first knockout stage these days?

Because he agrees that, as one author who really should have known better embarrassingly put it, Madrid is “a safe, magical place, a football heaven where they played football like angles and everybody wore white.”

The same Sepp Blatter who is FIFA president?

It is? Hmm. So, Sir Alex, just how surprised are you that FIFA threw out your official complaint?

Spanish stars begin their moving and shaking

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 11:28:00 GMT

Now that the sultry stickiness of the Spanish summer has finally landed like a sweat-filled piano, it's high time for the good people of Andalusia to take up their favourite pastimes - intensive thumb twiddling and illegally reclassifying public land to sell off to construction industry buddies for cash bonanza kick backs.

However, Sevilla for one, have gone against this stereotyping grain and have moved quicker than Ronaldinho at last orders to ensure that the Keita and Alves sized holes in their squad have been filled with suitable replacements.

The Andalusian club have got their mitts on Genoa right-back, Adboulay Konko for a cheeky 9 million euros and the Marseille born defender says that he couldn't be more ready for a stunning season of Primera action.

Konko arrives from Genoa to fill Dani Alves' amply-sized boots

"To be honest, I only know about about three or four teams," admitted Konko. "Don't worry," soothes La Liga Loca, that has never stopped Sky Sports' Spanish coverage. Or Marca.

Sevilla's other move to paper over the cracks left by their Barcelona bound battlers is the arrival of midfielder, Christian Koffi Ndri or 'Romaric' from Le Mans for around 8 million euros.

Over the weekend, Marca hinted that there were some behind the scenes bother at Betis with Darth de Lopera less than happy at Paco Chaparro's ongoing insistence of poo-pooing all his transfer hints.

The paper says that Paco only has his beady eyes set on players who will improve the current squad - which means that his boss' suggestions of Peter Luccin was turfed out of the suggestion box and into the bin where it rightly belongs.

One player who wants to leave the Spanish capital appears to be Rafael Sobis who, all things considered, has done bugger all in two years to justify his 9 million euro fee.

"He wants to know what's going on with his situation," barked the striker's agent, Jorge Machado as he prepared for a meeting with de Lopera armed only with holy water and a legion of vampire slayers.

"He has offers from Ukraine, Italy and Monaco," boasted the soon to be beheaded Machado on his client's glittering future.

Sobis: Keen to escape de Lopera's vampire lair

Atlético Madrid are still trying to work on their own ins and outs - not of the naughty Maniche variety - and are looking to offload Eller, Reyes and Seitaridis, amongst many others.

One of those is boy-band lookalike, Zé Castro, a player who sees his departure from the Calderón as a win-win situation for everyone.

"I've expressed my desire to leave the team, but I still have a contract," mused the defender, "I've not played much and if it stays the same, it won't be good for me."

Ridding themselves of José Antonio Reyes will be another mighty challenge for the rojiblancos with the Spanish market for whining, manager-abusing, red card attracting prima donna's fairly small. Until Sergio Ramos is sold to Chelsea, anyway.

Club president, Enrique Cerezo, had promised some 'surprises' with his signings this summer. La Liga Loca's hopeful guess of Matthew Broderick seems to be wide of the mark with Mundo Deportivo claiming that the downright weird Julio Baptista will be moving across town whilst AS are plumping for Werder Bremen's permanently want-away Brazilian, Diego.

July's D-Day for Spain's top dogs

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 12:06:00 GMT

July 7 is shaping up to be a thrilling day in the worlds of both Real Madrid and Barcelona.

According to the current rumblings in the Spanish press - coming from that teeny, tiny, work experience run section not obsessed with Euro 2008 - it's set to be the date when both clubs could either be doing the footballing equivalent of blowing both their feet off, or setting off on a daisy-laden path to sporting glory.

Roberto Gomez, in Marca, has decided to deviate from his normal daily ramblings which consists of name dropping and plugging the businesses of his showbiz buddies.

The latest of these is a lucky gentleman who runs the 'Clinica Menorca' - an institution which presumably specialises in the removal of noses from rectums - and a restaurant in the suburbs of Madrid where Gomez is possibly gunning for free pie when he returns from the European Championships with the rest of the Spanish squad on Friday morning.

The man from Marca claims that July 7 is the happy, clappy day when Cristiano Ronaldo will be unveiled in Castle Greyskull by a beaming Ramón Calderón, now that Banco Santander have kindly agreed to lend the club the 85 million euros needed to tempt the diving diva to the Spanish capital.

All that is left now, says Gomez, is the tricky decision of what number to give the Portuguese poser. Ronaldo will have to prise his favoured number seven shirt from Raul's cold dead hands, whilst Ruud Van Nistelrooy is unlikely to hand over his number 17 without another scrap between the feuding footballers.

"Well he's not having my number..."

July 7 is also the date when Barcelona's Joan Laporta could well be joining the expanding ranks of the Spanish unemployed with the special referendum on his future at the Camp Nou set to be held the day before, according to Sport.

Barça sporting director, Marca Ingla has been wheeled out to make it clear to potential voters in the presidential poll that turfing out Laporta would be a very, very bad thing for the club.

"We won't be able to make transfers or signings until the start of the season and that leaves us at a disadvantage," warned Ingla.

However, Barcelona still have a couple of weeks left to make Arsenal that little bit richer, something that has been a long term strategy of the Catalan club. Having signed the likes of Petit, Overmars and Henry for a good 27 billion euros over the years, Laporta looks set to add 30 odd million to that total by bringing over Emmanuel Adebayor.

"This cannot carry on," complained Josep Maria Casanovas in Sport on the club's current spending. "(Barcelona) only have to show interest in a footballer and his price doubles."

This summer signing is in line with the clubs 'no galacticos' policy which saw club suit Ferran Soriano cocking a snook at their rivals dogged pursuit of Ronaldo.

"It does not worry us much if we sell a certain number of replica shirts or not," sniffed Barça's Vice President.

Shirt sales not a priority for Barca... apparantly

Recreativo's Florent Sinama-Pongolle must be a very confused footballer at the moment. If the French striker is currently reading the sports papers he would find himself either moving to Benfica or Atlético Madrid, or moving to Atlético Madrid and finding himself on loan to Racing Santander.

But this is the least of Atlético's worries as the club is undergoing extensive UEFA-pleasing rebuilding work to prepare for their upcoming one match Champions League run and also trying to track down the likes of Tomas 'mad dog' Ujfalusi and Jonny 'mad dog' Heitinga to get them to put pen to paper on their new contracts.

Getafe president, Angel Torres has explained their disappointing decision to appoint the distinctly unexciting Victor Muñoz as their replacement for the still jobless Michael Laudrup.

"We have bet on experience so we don't take too many risks," explained the Coliseum commander. "My idea of football is always think of the public," said a not-believing-his-luck Muñoz.

"It's a change of style with less glamour," admitted José Maria de la Rosa in AS tying his best to keep a stiff upper lip.

All aboard perky Pep's love train

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 10:43:00 GMT

La Liga Loca has not been to the water-starved city of Barcelona for a while but it can only imagine that its pickpocket-invested streets are full of cranky culés with faces longer than Ruud van Nistelrooy on a caravanning holiday with Marco van Basten.

If polls in Sport are to be believed - which they probably shouldn't be - then the local Barça support are still a fairly depressed bunch despite some promising movements and rumblings in the summer transfer market.

The biggest cause of certain still appears to be the appointment of Pep Guardiola who was unveiled as the Barcelona manager on Tuesday. Before the presentation took place, only 17% of those answering an online poll claimed to be doing the cancan in celebration of Pep's brave new world. Instead, 27% were confessing their distinct lack of faith in the future.

However, that figure had picked up considerably once Pep had revealed his plans for Barcelona's new footballing future with lots of touchy-feeling talk of 'feeling' and 'passion'.

Guardiola gets press pack all gooey-eyed at his unveiling

Joan Laporta boasted that his new yes-man "has got character, class, knowledge and love for the club." And responds well to hypnosis, perhaps.

The local press in the Kingdom of Catalunya all fell into line to applaud the presentation with Santi Nolla writing in Mundo Deportivo that "if one of his objectives was to transmit confidence, he managed it."

The paper then had a bit of a mad moment by printing a story claiming that LA Galaxy were to launch a 26million euro bid for Ronaldinho and would pay him 16million a year.

Sport's Joan Batlle opined that "the most important thing is to break bad habits and open the windows for fresh air" - although the last time someone attempted that at the Camp Nou, Joan Laporta got his laptop nicked - the same laptop containing the launch codes for his satellite death ray - explaining the fair amount of dissent being tolerated in the local press.

Even Marca got onboard Pep's love-train by writing in its editorial that the "power would be taken away from the dressing room" - although that does lead to an open question on how Rafa Marquez will be able to charge up his Remington beard trimmer.

La Liga Loca, for one, is feeling very underwhelmed by Getafe's latest managerial appointment. Normally, the club chooses hot young studs like Bernd Schuster and Quique Sanchez Flores. Instead, the club has picked the Spanish equivalent of Bryan Robson as their new big cheese.

The new man at the helm is Victor Muñoz who, as far as the blog can recall, has either been fired from or walked out of his last few jobs - including his most recent post at Recreativo.

Victor Muñoz: Spain's equivalent of Bryan Robson

Valencia have begun the season as they mean to go on. By squabbling. This week it was Vice President, Vicente Soriano who was in full ranting mode by accusing majority shareholder, Juan Bautista Soler of being "the worst in history."

"Each euro that he wastes hurts me as a fan and also affects me economically, because 10% of the club's capital is mine," roared Soriano as the Betis bound Ever Banega sauntered past.

His comrade in the Mestalla boardroom, president Agustín Morea has fended off global interest in the striking services of David Villa by saying that he is staying in Valencia next season, leading to the theory that the club will instead be offering up Joaquín and David Silva to interested suitors to help balance the overcooked books.

It seems that Mallorca may well be in financial dodo after the company which holds 93% of their shares, Binipuntiró, suspended all payments due to one or two operating difficulties. However, the lawyer to the Ono Estadi president, Vicente Grande says that "the club has no economic problems."

Especially after David Güiza got tarted up with a bit of lipstick and prodded into the footballing equivalent of a cattle market.

New incentive to be crowned Kings of Spain

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Stung by criticism that last season's Copa del Rey final was seen as a bit of an afterthought by the Spanish FA - and, indeed, by most of the clubs taking part in it - the buffet-loving bigwigs have moved swiftly to award it pride of place in La Liga's calendar for 2009.

Having stuck the most recent affair between Valencia and Getafe at three-in-the-morning on a rainy Wednesday night in the leaky, peaky Vicente Calderón, next season's showpiece event will be held on June 20, almost a year from now.

This being Spain, there is one teeny, tiny flaw in this most cunning of plans. The Primera is due to finish on May 31 - some three weeks before this massive match between Mallorca and Getafe - meaning that the reward for those players battling to appear in the final is three weeks less holiday. That isn't going to work for half the current Barcelona squad, for starters.

The starting date of the shiny new season is set to be the weekend of August 31 and La Liga Loca is already placing Javier Aguirre as favourite for the first Primera coach to be given the chop, firstly due to blog tradition and secondly as Atlético Madrid will have finished their Champions League campaign by then.

Three brand new spanking relegation candidates will be joining Recreativo in desperately trying to survive the year in the Spanish top flight.

Numancia won promotion some time ago - with their boss taking the confidence boosting move of jumping ship to Almería and on Sunday Malaga and Sporting joined them - the latter having been away from La Liga's limelight for a good 10 years and the former's boss having also taken the confidence boosting move of jumping ship to Racing Santander.

Sporting: Back in the big league after a 10-year absence

Despite Marca's reports that Real Sociedad were forking out a cool one million euros in 'incentives' to Eibar and Tenerife - the opponents of Sporting and Malaga in last weekend's final matches - the promoted pair won through whilst la Real could only manage a weasly 1-1 draw.

On suicide watch in La Segunda is Abraham Paz of Cadiz, who took a 96th minute penalty to save his side from relegation. But he missed, sending one of the most entertaining of clubs down to the icy depths of Segunda B, probably never to be seen again.

But the good news is that the Andalusian club will be replaced by Rayo Vallecano who have begun their return to the glorious good days with a nervy play off win over Zamora.

Sevilla's José Maria del Nido has been out and about promoting his team's new campaign to boost club membership. Pictured with a boxing glove - oh yes - the president boasted that next season's team would be 'punchier than ever' - following on from the boxing analogy of last year's shower, perhaps, which hit the canvas more times than a foul-tempered Vincent Van Gogh.

Guti has revealed that he harbours ambitions to be driving up a very different kind of fairway when he finally retires.

"I would like to dedicate myself to being a professional golfer," admitted the Real Madrid midfielder, whose current handicap is seven but will need to knock it down to -3 if his dreams are to come true.

La Liga Loca is not entirely sure this most sedate of sports will suit Guti long-term seeing that he will have to recover all his mis-hit balls himself rather than shrugging and getting Wesley Sneijder to do the job.

Guti: "Well I'm not fetching it. I got the last one."

Barcelona: what might have been

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 06:48:00 GMT

Not so very long ago, they were getting all excited down El Mundo Deportivo’s way, screaming from the rooftops - and their front cover. Massive letters heralded the "Nou Barça!" while inside they dedicated a double-page spread to the HUGE story that their intrepid team of investigative hacks had brilliantly uncovered and their cutting-edge graphics team had rendered so pleasing to the eye.

For there, splashed across pages 2 and 3, the pages reserves for truly massive stories, was a team sheet showing what the "Nou Barça" looked like. And you had to hand it to them: it was pretty bloody impressive. Well, it was once you’d overlooked Víctor Valdés in goal.

There was Dani Alves at right back and Maicon at left back alongside Puyol and Milito. Michael Essien and Frank Lampard alongside Andres Iniesta in midfield. And a dream forward line made up of Leo Messi, Samuel Eto’o and... Frank Ribery. It was a real dream team.

It was also complete bollocks.

Because, you see, La Liga Loca's pants are on fire - well, not so much on fire as smouldering gently. Because, you see, the headline in El Mundo Deportivo didn't actually say "Nou Barça" at all. It said "Mou Barça".

How Barcelona will never, ever line up

Yes, that’s right, El Mundo Deportivo had brilliantly uncovered what Barcelona would have looked like it they had employed José Mourinho as coach but won’t look like because they didn’t employ Jose Mourinho as coach. Because they did in fact employ Pep Guardiola as coach. Because, in case you hadn’t noticed, Jose Mourinho went to Inter instead.

It is a piece about a team a man who is not your coach is not going to build, about players who are not going to come to the Camp Nou and who, if they eventually do, it sure as hell isn't because this article says they will.

Which is at least a cunning way of making sure you never get proven wrong. But it's also completely sodding useless. It would have made for better reading if a printing error had meant El Mundo Deportivo was full of water. At best it's a quirky yet fundamentally unfulfilling act of counter-factual what-iffing. At worst, it is an utterly sodding pointless act of wishful bloody thinking, a spot of day-dreaming about something that's not going to happen, a total waste of paper and everyone's time.

Tomorrow: how La Liga Loca's steamy, lust-packed, went-on-for-hours night of sordid pleasure with Scarlet Johansen, Salma Hayek and that French newsreader would have gone. If we hadn't just made it up.

Spain in denial over Torres tantrum

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:28:00 GMT

Fernando Torres is finally starting to show that he may well be the one true heir to Raul's super striking throne.

Not in the scoring a gazillion goals for Spain stakes, but in the pouty, sulky, staring from the bench way.

Having been pulled off by Luis Aragones midway through Tuesday's 4-1 win over the Kremlin calamities of Russia, the Liverpool forward could be seen with furious frown fully activated and his quivering lower lip almost scraping the floor.

But Torres was not angry at his manager for subbing him for the 22nd time in 33 games. Oh no. He was angry with himself.

"Luis was six metres from me, so we were not close and I would never make a gesture to a coach," said feisty Fernando on Thursday, denying stories that he and Luis had a bit of a bust up after the game.

And this is the main theme of the Spanish press as the La Furia Roja prepares to take on some senior citizens from Sweden on Saturday night. That and the footballing bomb shell of Big Phil Scolari taking over at Chelsea - an event which has every paper scrambling furiously like Maniche after an ice-cream van to make up stories about big money offers for Deco, Ronaldinho, Pepe and Robinho.

Torres adopts the sulk position on the subs bench

AS are still hammering away at the Cristiano Ronaldo soap opera and managed the impressive feat of linking the story that the Portuguese winger decided to take a relaxing boat trip on his day off to mean that he is definitely moving to the Bernabeu once his Alpine adventure is over.

Over in the footballing micro climate of Catalunya, Sport and Mundo Deportivo have given up on any attempt at proper work and are doing the journalistic equivalent of a dog running after passing cars by printing an assortment of front covers with different flavour of the minute footballers on them.

The likes of Moutinho and Karim Benzema have appeared on recent editions but their current fetish is with David Villa, who they have just discovered is a fairly decent player and would probably be a good signing for Barcelona.

But this will happen over Valencia's dead body says club president, Agustin Morera who hopes that "Villa can finish his career here."

Also trying to beat back the tide of inevitability King Canute style are Mallorca fans who have launched a Dani Güiza must stay campaign by putting up posters around the Ono Estadi.

Unless the pitiful pleadings are accompanied by thick wads of cash, their admirable efforts are likely to be as successful as Guti trying to open a childproof bottle of aspirin.

Joaquín - brest-fed until he was seven, La Liga Loca will never grow tired of that fact - looks like he is heading out of the Mestalla door unless he receives a bit of TLC some time soon.

"I only want to feel liked, important and happy," sighed the milk-loving Lothario earlier this week.

"I felt alone last year without the support of the board and management against the injustice with which Koeman was treating me."

Joaquin: Just wants mum to come and make it all better

Over in Castle Greyskull, Ramón Calderón has joined his paranoid presidential comrade at the Camp Nou by donning a silver foil beanie hat and saying that Florentino Perez is out to get him.

"They have tapped my telephones, two people have been following me around and they have looked at my bank accounts," claimed Calderón at a press breakfast. "I feel sorry for the obsession of the ex president."

One of those stalkers may well be Marca's Roberto Gómez who is still furnishing his readers with every detail of his trip to Austria. And all the very, very important people he has met there - including Calderón and the Atlético Madrid president.

"Cerezo and Calderón have been friends for a long time...and were almost besieged by Spanish fans who did not stop having photos taken with the presidents of Atlético and Real Madrid."

After asking the gawking Gómez standing next to them to bugger off out of the frame first, perhaps.

Seedy suggestions from La Segunda

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 10:00:00 GMT

Real Zaragoza are beginning to get a teeny, tiny inkling of the footballing jungle they will have to hack their way through next season with seedy stories of unsavoury goings on dribbling out of the Spanish second division.

Adding to the ongoing reports of clubs in dire pecuniary positions (Salamanca), incompetent owners (pretty much everyone) and buying their way into the league only to flop like a Sevilla winger in sight of goal (Granada 74) is the murky business of match fixing.

At the beginning of June slightly unhinged, Oleguer-hating Malaga striker Salva Ballesta accused promotion rivals Real Sociedad of having offered incentives to Malaga's opponents to try just that little bit harder during the final run-in.

But this is Xavi standing next to Nikola Zigic compared to the allegations now being hurled back at the Andalusian club.

An unnamed FIFA agent has sent a report to the Spanish FA saying that former Real Madrid president and current Malaga big wig, Lorenzo Sanz tried to buy two games for 250,000 euros each in the second division - namely Tenerife v Real Sociedad (1-2) and Sevilla Atlético v Malaga (0-1) - according to Tuesday's AS.

"It's a brutal, sorry manipulation. There's nothing more to be said," was Sanz' immediate reaction.

The organisation's competition committee is currently studying the evidence, which includes supposed recordings of conversations between Sanz and the agent.

However, it seems that any skulduggery on Malaga's part may not have been required thanks to Real Sociedad's truly spectacular incompetence on Sunday afternoon.

Winning 2-1 away to Alaves with 92 minutes on the clock, Sociedad let in a late equaliser. And two minutes later proceeded to gift their relegation threatened opponents a winner.

A victory for La Real would have left them in prime position in second place with just one game to go. Instead, the club which have just announced debts of 25 million euros will have to beat Córdoba and hope that either Malaga or Sporting above them fail to win.

It's popcorn at the ready, with Joan Laporta's increasingly entertaining war of words with the head of the referendum campaign to oust the King of Catalunya stepping up a notch or two.

On Monday, Oriol Giralt responded to the publications of pictures of him alongside members of, Ultra group, Boixos Nois by saying he had no idea who they were.

"I didn't know any of them and it was the first time that I had seen them," said the cranky Catalan in his defence before launching a corker in Laporta's direction.

"I don't know if he (presumably Laporta) has sat down on a plane with arms or drugs smugglers, or not."

On Monday, Real Madrid continued their campaign of not unsettling Cristiano Ronaldo whatsoever - despite what nasty Man United's official accusations suggest - with big Bernando Schuster admitting that the Portuguese pouter would "clearly be a great signing and would adapt well to the side."

AS' Tomas Roncero has already decided that Ronaldo would wear the number nine shirt - currently held by Roberto Soldado - so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of Raul.

The Madrid based press have also been continuing their policy of asking everyone on the planet for their reasons on why Ronaldo should move to Madrid. But Mundo Deportivo report that their latest target Simao refused to play their game.

"I am an Atlético player and you know what it means... I cannot recommend this," asserted the prickly Portuguese player.

Oil shock brings pastry panic to Spanish league

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 13:22:00 GMT

It seems that the repeated fining of Atlético Madrid and Real Betis for constant failures to control their crowds is no longer sufficient to replenish the cake-purchasing coffers of the bigwigs running the game in Spain.

With the price of oil rapidly approaching $150 a barrel, the transport costs of all pastry-related products across the Iberian peninsula have crept up to a near intolerable level, forcing the Spanish league to tap new funding sources.

And the organisation has struck gold with a gathering of suits in the Spanish capital having announced a sponsorship deal with financial behemoth BBVA worth 60 million euros to the league over three years.

"With this injection of cash, we can expect to introduce elevenses to our organisation. Maybe even vol-au-vents," predicted league spokesman Pepe Fernandez.

Rise in oil prices bad news for Spanish pastry lovers

There is no news as yet on whether the Spanish football organisation will be introducing a 'department of arranging games more than three days in advance' or a panel tasked with looking into why clubs can go for up to two years without paying their players.

Barcelona have taken their spending to a whopping 65 million euros over the past few weeks. And made Sevilla considerably richer in the process. Their latest signing is Dani Alves who joins the ranks of the Camp Nou club for 29.5 million euros - the third most expensive signing in Barça's history after Marc Overmars and Javier Saviola. And they went down well.

Whilst polls suggest that Barça fans are a little more enthusiastic over the signing of the Brazilian full back than Gerard Piqué, Sport's Joan Batlle is a trifle concerned about the enormous fees currently being shelled out by Joan Laporta - a man apparently spending his way to a referendum victory in a few weeks time.

"Laporta will end up paying around 50 million euros - for Alves and Cáceres - when the sum invested by Sevilla and Villarreal is barely four million," grumbled the hard to please opinion-maker.

Alves: Newest expensive recruit at Camp Nou

As well as handing out bags of cash to his club's title rivals, the King of Catalunya has also begun the defence of his reign at Barcelona by getting down and dirty. Over the weekend, Laporta attacked the leader of the current campaign against him, Oriol Giralt, by alleging that the fed up fan may be in possession of friends of dubious character.

"We have worked hard to eradicate violence from the stadium," pointed out Laporta "and we don't have our photos taken with criminals," continued the club president on photographs published of Giralt with the Ultra group, Boixos Nois.

Marca and AS have been busying themselves during the European Championships by hunting down every player in the world and members of Cristiano Ronaldo's family and getting them to say that the transfer of the Portuguese winger to Real Madrid would be the greatest idea since since self-slaughtering pigs.

In Monday's editions both prying papers managed to get the opinions of Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Gabriel Heinze, Claude Makelele and Cristiano Ronaldo's brothers.

Unsurprisingly, not one of them felt that it was egotistical folly of the highest order by Ramón Calderón which would blow a Maniche sized whole in the club's wage structure and leave the club's war chest emptier than Guti's bookshelves.

Real Madrid complete signing of the century

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 16:00:00 GMT

After months of media speculation, rampant rumour mongering and downright dodgy deception, the transfer deal of this and perhaps all summers has finally been sealed.

And the news was met by incredible scenes of joy and jubilation on the streets of a stunned Spain, causing some head-shaking historians to compare them with the people of Paris welcoming the Allied tanks during their liberation from Hitler's hordes.

On Thursday, former Real Madrid youth team full back Filipe Luis made his two year loan deal with Deportivo permanent causing tearful scenes throughout Galicia.

Filipe Luis: The name on every Real Madrid fan's lips

"I just can't believe it," sobbed one Deportivo fan. "Now, anything is possible, next season. Maybe even 15th."

"It's just too much to take in, at once," mumbled the owner of one local bar. "I've been following them for 40 years, just for this moment."

After 78 hours of talks, exhausted club presidents Ramón Calderón and Augusto Lendoiro walked from the hotel conference room to confirm the details of the record-breaking four year deal and the stunning 2.2 million euro fee - funds which are set to be reinvested by the Bernabeu outfit on Cristiano Ronaldo's belly button fluff.

Over in the Kingdom of Catalunya, things could not be more different with underwhelmed Barcelona fans shrugging their indifference at the recent signings of Gerard Piqué, Seydou Keita and José Martin Cáceres - with a 'principle of agreement' having been signed between Barça and Villarreal for the defender.

On the websites of both Sport and Mundo Deportivo, 51% and 54% of those taking part in an online poll have said none of the three signings announced by the Catalan club have got their footballing juices flowing.

But that has not stopped their latest defensive import from spouting off about his new footballing challenge.

"I'm excited because it's the best team in Spain," squealed the Uruguayan centre back, overlooking the fact that he was reportedly turned down by the best team in Spain and has decided to leave the second best.

Pique's return does little to stir beleagured Barca fans

Those boisterous Betis fans who have written into La Liga Loca in the past to rage against the sorry stewardship of the Andalusian outfit should be hanging their heads in shame today.

That's because their glorious leader, Darth Manuel Ruis de Lopera has come out to say that he only ever had the best interests of the club at heart.

Whilst tickling the tail of his beloved Hugo - his Husky - the Betis majority shareholder maintained that he has no plans to sell up and get out of town, despite what pitchfork waving, media-manipulated opposition groups are calling for.

"If Betis is being managed so badly and Manuel Ruiz de Lopera is not capable of doing it, Beticos should make offers. The opposition has never made an offer," declared the dog lover on the supporters' inability to raise the multi-trillion euro asking price for the club.

De Lopera also warned that Paco Chaparro would not have a plump transfer war chest at his disposal this summer, due to an "economic war" at the club and his heartfelt desire not to "ruin the club."

That and the inconvenience of having to face charges of his part Russian-owned holding company skimming a percentage of the club's income.

Money is also on the minds of the Levante players who are still waiting for their bank accounts to be filled with the funds owed to them by the relegated club.

Some seven days ago, the bigwigs of the Valencia based club announced that "for administrative reasons the arrival of the money will have to be delayed for a week."

But it seems that the funds are still to appear, despite this promise, with Marca reporting that the missing money is being sent by an Italian finance company via a Swiss bank before being forwarded to Spain.

Finally, the Spanish professional league (LFP) has found itself in possession of a cemetery - no, not Espanyol - but a corner of coffin-covered land in Spain's hot-spot of dodgy doings, Marbella.

Marca write that a judge has awarded the LFP this peculiar prize to pay off debts owed from the days when now deceased mafia madman, Jesus Gíl, was in charge of Atlético Madrid.

Another grave situation for the Spanish game.

Robinho revelation upsets Madrid minions

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 22:54:00 GMT

According to AS’s page 16 stunner Carmen Colino, Robinho is bang out of order.

From the safety of the Brazil camp, the condom-loving forward has admitted that he has offers from Manchester United and Chelsea. More to the point, he's admitted that he "wouldn't have a problem leaving" Madrid for England - and Carmen is not impressed.

"I don't like these little messages that Robinho is sending out from Brazil one bit," Carmen cried, getting her knickers in a real Chubby Checker of a twist at the sight of the player using the press to his advantage.

"Where’s the humble, happy and approachable player who first arrived at Real Madrid? He's showing a real lack of class," she continued as her moral high horse reared up neighing, almost throwing her to the ground with a loud crash.

"If he wants to go he should fly back to Madrid, have a meeting with [sporting director] Pedja Mijatovic and tell him face to face. If he wants to be on the market then fine, but this isn't the way. He shouldn't be trying to put pressure on Madrid to force a departure."

"Who does he think he is to pressure the club like this?"

Robinho's comments got Colino's knickers in a right twist

It’s a good question. Who does he think he is?

Perhaps he thinks he's the step-over king, a skilful showman, the man singled out as the best player in the world. Perhaps, Carmen, he thinks he's just the same as Cristiano Ronaldo.

You know, Cristiano Ronaldo. He's the player you and your paper are pleading with to rebel against Sir Alex Ferguson and Carlos Queiroz - "the worst coach in Madrid’s history" - ignore appeals to sit down and talk to his club and declare that he would love to leave; to pile the pressure on Manchester United, flick the Vs, walk out and sign for Madrid. Without talking to Ferguson.

And then, of course, to thank you for your role in making it all happen.

Mrs Pot, meet Mr Kettle.

Retiring Raul and Atlético's secret signing

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 10:46:00 GMT

When Ramón Calderón pledged last week that his personal goal for next season was to open his presidential trap an awful lot less, La Liga Loca's face fell faster than Jesus Navas being handed a suitcase and a round-the-world airline ticket.

That's because every time the Real Madrid president opens his gob something ludicrous, pointless or FIFA sanction-inviting inevitably tumbles out. And that's a comedy gold mine for this deeply unimaginative blog to tap.

Calderón's latest crazy plan is to retire Raul's number seven shirt when the striker hangs up his boots. But only as a mark of respect, of course, and not as a cheap populist gesture proving once again that the Bernabeu bigwig simply doesn't get 'it'.

With 'it' being the whole concept of football.

In fact, Calderón is an awful lot happier at the bullfighting where he is now pictured most days. One must assume that if the Real Madrid head honcho is such a big fan of watching dumb, helpless animals being cruelly slaughtered without the slightest fighting chance of survival, then he must have been highly entertained by his team's recent Champions League campaigns.

Marca were quick to poo-poo Ramón's latest ramblings by pointing out that the club could also retire "the 11 of Gento, the 10 Puskas, the 8 of Michel, the 4 of Hierro, the 9 of Sanchez...to infinity. Then they'll be left with no numbers."

Unfortunately, they went on to undo that fine work by comparing Calderón to Churchill, Eisenhower and Napoleon by applauding him for having a Plan B should they fail to lure Cristiano Ronaldo to the Spanish capital.

Ivan Helguera has always been someone held in high regard by La Liga Loca. Not for his footballing abilities, mind, but for the fact that he is constantly whinging and whining.

The defensive disaster zone was one of the players most critical of Florentino Perez' Galactico system when he was a player at the Bernabeu. And it turns out that he is also one of the most critical of the post Galactico regime - a regime that failed to give him a squad number two seasons ago.

"(Ramón Calderón and Pedja Mijatovic) are not cut out to be the president and sporting director of such a great club," sniffed the footballer who must be loving his time in Mestalla.

"With Florentino (Perez) the club evolved, while under Calderón it has not." Aside from back to back league championships and reported record revenues, one could add.

For the last few seasons, Atlético Madrid have been one of the big spenders in La Liga without any indication of how their often extravagant transfer splurges have been funded.

Sadly, like Pablo Ibañez' international career, those days are long gone says technical director Jesus Pitarch who claims that the club will have to tighten its belt in years to come.

Enrique Cerezo's right hand man also warned that Atlético Madrid will have to learn to stop falling apart at the the faintest whiff of trouble - one of its most loveable features.

"This club has to create a culture that is not the culture of Kleenex." Unless he is referring to one of Maniche's more unpleasant dressing room habits, that is.

Despite this threat of less entertaining times at the Vicente Calderón, the club decided to retread the old comedy path by hiring a white camper van with closed curtains to disguise the arrival of, centre back, Tomas Ujfalusi for his medical in Madrid - seemingly under the impression that they had just signed Leo Messi in a shock deal.

As Ramón Calderón is finding, old habits die hard.

The rare sound of silence in Spain

Tim Stannard and Simon Talbot — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 11:18:00 GMT

"......................................"

That's the noise inside Guti's head. Aside from the occasional burst of the Magic Roundabout theme.

That's also the reply from Levante's bosses in response to their players' repeated requests for their pay.

But most of all, that's the reaction of a very underwhelmed Catalan press to the news that Espanyol have appointed a new manager to replace the Olympiacos-bound Ernesto Valverde.

And this isn't due to the unimportance of the proud perico club, but instead it's down to the thundering indifference of the local Barça-mad media to any story not involving the current craziness down at the Camp Nou.

After a meeting lasting less than an hour - La Liga Loca assumes there must have been very good dinner reservations on the line - Espanyol have appointed former number two 'Tintin' Márquez as the new man at the helm at the Montjuic.

"It's the greatest day of my life," squealed the new perico plaything when given the news by club president, Daniel Sánchez Llibre.

Márquez (right) takes over from Valverde (left) at Espanyol

Mundo Deportivo have feigned some vague interest in the news by posting a readers' poll on the subject. Earlier on Tuesday morning a whopping 40 had replied - including La Liga Loca - with a somewhat wobbly 55% of the vote supporting the appointment.

And that lack of confidence has been matched with the news that Tintin is only being offered a year long contract, despite having been the back up to a number of managers at the Montjuic for the last four years.

The next order of business for the Espanyol establishment is to replace the two sponsors who have dropped their deals with the Barcelona club. Latest to go were the short sponsors, suggesting that Maniche may be a possible summer signing with the aim of boosting the amount of advertising space available for any potential promoter.

Real Betis - in a blast of a party popper, rather than a fanfare - have revealed that Paco Chaparro will continue for at least one more year at the Andalusian club.

After "public meetings, ghost meetings, conversations with other coaches, firm declarations, 'he saids' and 'she saids'," according to Marca, the hair-dyed dynamo agreed to an extended one year deal with Darth de Lopera.

But a chirpy Chaparro claims that his own pecuniary position had nothing to do with the time taken to put pen to paper.

"We rarely mentioned my own terms, only proposals to improve the team," claimed a pleased as punch Paco.

Last week Racing Santander unveiled, current Malaga coach, Juan Ramón Muñiz as their man to lead them into the UEFA Cup next season and probable Celta Vigo style relegation.

Muñiz: Ready to lead Celta Vigo to probable doom and gloom

Malaga - a club, along with Real Sociedad, doing their level best to bugger up their chances of promotion from the second - have agreed to the move in fairly friendly fashion. Unlike the league leaders, Numancia, who are still spitting chips over the poaching of their coach Gonzalo Arconada by Almería.

Except he isn't being poached, claims the man in the middle of the maelstrom.

"The President, the Vice President, the owner and sporting directors are lying," claimed Arconada on Friday. "I told them about my intention to leave back in March."

If Unai Emery, the latest manager of Valencia - La Liga's equivalent of a Spinal Tap drummer - is looking a little shell shocked and dishevelled this week, it isn't because he has been forced to watch this musical monstrosity on repeat play, but because he has been studying every single Valencia match from the last campaign in an attempt to decide who's in and who's out of the current bloated 88 man ché squad.

La Liga Loca, for one, salutes you.