La Liga Loca

It’s time to leave la Liga’s refs alone

Tim Stannard — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:00:00 GMT

Now, La Liga Loca has no idea if it all stems from a post-Franco distrust of authority figures or the persistent culture of blame-shifting, finger-pointing and responsibility-dodging.

But Spain has an obsession with putting the boot into their referees, who seem to be the cause of all ills in the world.

Indeed, Marca employs its own (ex) official who pulls apart his former colleagues decisions every week - which must make him immensely popular at reunions - whilst awarding Real Madrid 17 non-existent penalties and sending off most of the opposition.

Last weekend, it was just the three Espanyol players who should have seen red, says Rafa Guerrero.

“He had a first half to forget” tutted Marca’s man-in-the-middle on Alfonso Pérez Burrull’s performance in Madrid’s 3-0 win over Espanyol.

This love of picking apart the work of referees sees Tuesday’s AS getting their panties in an almighty bunch over the impressive total of nine red cards that were issued during last weekend’s round of action in la Primera.

In a peculiar editorial, the paper’s boss Alfredo Relaño goes all postal on the a**es of the league’s officials and complains that someone refereeing their top flight debut - as happened in the Racing vs Atlético clash - should not have done so because the previous encounter between the two teams a few days before was a bit controversial.

“It is tough being a referee,” concedes Relaño before suggesting that clubs could perhaps vote on whether individual referees are any good (an action that would quickly thin the arbitrating ranks a tad) with “the referees that nobody likes” being dropped.

These are interesting - some would say curious notions - from the chief AS at the paper and an understandable reaction to last weekend’s red-card rain storm, which at first glance looks excessive.

However, there’s one thing missing from Relaño’s mini-thesis.

Every single one of the nine expulsions from those 10 games was completely justified, despite what fans, managers and the press on the receiving end of them say.

And here’s why:

Barcelona vs Getafe

Piqué - Whacked Rafa in the knee with a clumsy, late, dangerous challenge.
Marquez - Pulled Kepa down in the box in a dangerous play. Barcelona will not be appealing either red card.

Málaga vs Deportivo

Pablo Alvarez - one yellow for deliberate handball, one for an alleged dive which was a 50/50 call. The midfielder would not have walked had he not been such a buffoon over the first incident (see Ronaldo vs Almería).

Almería vs Sporting

Chico - direct red for handball after saving a goal-line shot.
Barral - a red for a nasty flying elbow.
Gregory - red card for picking on a ball boy, apparently. Which doesn’t sound very nice.

Zaragoza vs Sevilla

Alvaro Negredo - was in a foul, niggly mood all match and eventually went for kicking out at Contini in a huff.
Stankevicius - another player who went nuts with a ridiculous late tackle.
Colunga - Two yellow cards, the first of which for a stupid, needless tackle from behind on Jesus Navas in the dying seconds of the game.

The only debatable call from those was the second yellow for Alvarez. The rest were all perfectly fine.

And that leaves La Liga Loca a little mystified as to what Relaño’s point is in Tuesday’s rant.

Mistakes are made, of course - his paper makes them every minute of every day - but more often that not they stem from players being cheeky little cheats (yes, you Xavi against Espanyol).

Marca are already criticising the referee from Sunday’s key clash between Atlético Madrid and Barcelona some five days before the match actually kicks off.

“Iturralde is the ref,” blasts a headline in Tuesday’s edition “a guarantee for Barcelona.”

It then states that this particular official has officiated clashes with the Camp Nou club on 30 occasions with Barça winning 20 of the games.

The article also notes that in these clashes 84 yellows and nine reds have been handed to those sides playing the Dream Boys, with Barcelona themselves picking up just 53 yellows and four reds.

La Liga Loca would reply to Marca that with Barcelona having been fairly strong in recent seasons, all referees would have overseen a majority of wins for the Catalan club. But it doubts the paper is listening.

But this is par for the course for a rag overseen by the pea-brained Eduardo Inda, an editor who has scrawled a double-page long “letter” to Pep Guardiola castigating him for commenting on the Madrid media campaign against his side in regards to being helped by refs.

“It’s undeniable that there should only be a one point advantage over the Whites,” complains Marca’s main man whilst talking of the “scientific certification” by his paper of this universal truth.

“I am aware that you will never respond to this as the divine never mix with mere mortals,” is the charming sign-off.

The immediate reaction to such poppycock from La Liga Loca is to wonder if the legal defence of extreme provocation would work were the blog to drop a piano on Inda’s empty head as he goes about his day.

One average day, two papers and two editorials which say an awful lot in regards to the sorry (but highly entertaining, nonetheless) state of Spain’s football writing.

------------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

Good Day, Bad Day - Round 21

Tim Stannard — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:00:00 GMT

RESULTS: Sat Feb 6 - Valencia 2-0 Valladolid, Real Madrid 3-0 Espanyol, Barcelona 2-1 Getafe. Sun Feb 7 - Zaragoza 2-1 Sevilla, Racing Santander 1-1 Atletico Madrid, Osasuna 1-0 Tenerife, Mallorca 1-0 Villarreal, Malaga 0-0 Deportivo, Athletic Bilbao 3-2 Xerez, Almeria 3-1 Sporting Gijon.

Good Day

Real Madrid, Barcelona

Right. That’s it. The blog can’t take any more of this. It’s heading for the roof. Goodbye, cruel world.

After watching Saturday night’s Spanish footie, La Liga Loca was fairly optimistic that it would be a nice, normal week in the wacky world of the Spanish sports media - a world that the blog has to sift through on a daily basis.

After all, the weekend saw two wins and five nice uncontroversial goals for Real Madrid and Barça.

What’s more, two explusions for the Catalan club that seemed to be fair dinkum would mean that both warring camps could agree that there isn’t a pro-Barcelona refereeing conspiracy underway and put the past fortnight’s nonsense to bed.

Sadly, it was not too be.

That Gerard Pique should be banned for life for his tackle and that both of Barcelona’s goals were offside was the vibe from the Madridista press.

“More than beating Getafe, Messi had to beat the referee,” claimed Josep Casanovas in Sunday’s Sport, a paper that feels that both red cards were outrageous and the result of relentless pressure on referees to punish Barcelona, pressure instigated by Marca and AS.

The blog's helpful suggestion in response to all this is that both teams and their fans s*d off to an unpopulated atoll somewhere in the Pacific, set up their own league, with their own referees and leave everyone else alone.

NEWS: Nine-man Barcelona beat Getafe
NEWS: Guardiola rises above refereeing debate

Gonzalo Higuaín

Remember, Barcelona and Atlético fans, every goal from the Argentine striker causes an extra wrinkle of rancour on Florentino Pérez’s face.

Especially when it coincides with another finger-up-nose display of apathy from Karim Benzema.

And especially, especially, when Higuaín’s goals are absolute corkers, too.

Leo Messi

Thanks to the wondrous footballing stylings of little Leo, we all saw the same future at the same time, when four Getafe defenders followed the Argentine forward on his run, whilst failing to notice the downwind Xavi.

Osasuna

Four very good days for Osasuna sees Camacho’s men picking up 12 points from 12 and snug in mid-table.

And four very good days for La Liga Loca, too, means that the blog has not had to sit through any of the tedious, hoofing encounters that brought about those victories for the Pamplonan side.

Mallorca

Putting every ounce of energy into their home games and defending their goal as if their lives depended on it sees Mallorca with 10 wins from 10 at the Ono Estadi and having conceded just three goals in the process.

The manager behind this brilliant madness, Gregorio Manzano, was in full hailing mode after their latest triumph, a 1-0 win over Villarreal.

“The win is worth so much as it was against a side who have designs on the European places.”

As usual, most Mallorca fans couldn’t be bothered attending the encounter with just 12,000 showing up for Sunday afternoon’s clash.

NEWS: Mallorca maintain perfect home record

Ever Banega

Poor Diego Maradona is currently caught in 1,000 tiny minds over which players to take to the World Cup, having called up 102 in the past year-and-a-half.

However, Ever Banega is making life a little easier for the confused international coach with some outstanding displays for Valencia and some cracking goals along the way.

Despite a rather limp start to his career in la Liga, Banega is a midfielder who is really coming on strong this season.

Fernando Llorente

The Athletic striker dug his side out of the deepest of holes on Sunday with two goals to force a narrow 3-2 victory over Xerez, of all teams.

Almería

Despite losing defender Chico after just two minutes after a fine one handed clearance - “a great save” notes AS - Almería survived a bruising battle against Sporting to pick up three points.

And that is a very bad thing indeed for a blog that desperately wants the southern side dropping out of the top flight and replaced with the infinitely more interesting Betis.

Zaragoza’s new boys

The law of averages suggests that at least some of Zaragoza’s seven winter signings would work.

And that’s the case with the new centre-back pairing of Matteo Contini and Jiri Jarosik, whose mean and moody ways and all round tightness have given Zaragoza more security to go forward - a security that has produced back-to-back wins against Tenerife and Sevilla.

The blog is less convinced by newly-arrived striker Humberto Suazo, who appears to have based a career in South America on having big googly eyes and little else.

Only one of his 11 shots in Sunday’s Sevilla clash were on target.

Bad Day

Miguel Angel Portugal

La Liga Loca is going to be honest and admit that it hasn’t seen a second of Racing’s late clash with Atlético Madrid.

It was going to have a little look on Monday morning but after reading yet more moans and complaints about fouls, cards and referees, it really doesn’t have the heart to do so.

So, it calls on the great blog readership to take one for the team and explain why the Racing boss felt the need to call the referee for the 1-1 draw a “son of a b*tch” after the encounter.

Tenerife

Unlike John Terry, Tenerife are less keen on playing away this season.

The side’s eighth defeat in 10 away from the Canary Islands came at Osasuna on Sunday.

“We’re lacking confidence,” noted the side’s astute manager, José Luis Oltra.

Alvaro Negredo

A hopeless, gutless performance from Sevilla in the 2-1 defeat at Zaragoza topped off a fine week for one of its star players, Alvaro Negredo.

The former Madrid man was substituted in the first half of the midweek cup clash with Getafe, much to the striker’s displeasure.

His mood must have worsened a further notch after scoring a headed own goal and receiving a red card for managing the impressive feat of both tumbling to the ground in a dive whilst booting out at Zaragoza defender Contini.

Juan Carlos Garrido, Onésimo

Two new managers at the helm of Villarreal and Valladolid respectively made excellent starts to their new jobs with a couple of defeats.

Onésimo at Valladolid looks the far more entertaining of the debutantes with the former ‘B’ team boss being an angrier, more snarling version of predecessor José Luis Mendilibar.

And that really is saying something.

Guti

The Madrid midfielder built on last week’s Oscar award-winning backheel by doing diddly-squat against Espanyol.

After allowing Perico winger José Marqués to go past him twice unmolested - as it were - Manuel Pellegrini finally banished Guti to the bench.

Pablo Alvaréz

The dirty man of Deportivo should have seen red for a handball and then knocking an opponent out in a somewhat violent challenge.

Instead, the midfielder eventually got his marching orders after a supposed dive that seemed a little harsh to a blog that feels that the ends probably justified the means with Alvaréz’ eventual sending off.

Espanyol

Without an away goal in the league since September. And didn’t look vaguely like getting one on Saturday night against Real Madrid.

Luis García has never looked more narked.

------------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

The Mice-Posting Weekend Predictions - Round 21

Tim Stannard — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 12:00:00 GMT

Saturday

Valencia (3rd) vs Valladolid (17th)

As will be discovered with Robert Pires later on in the blog, the tendency for older, clapped-out footballers failing to grasp the notion that their leaden-paced, arthritic footballing stylings are no longer required by clubs who prefer players whose knees creak considerably less when running for the ball is showing no sign of dying out.

In a general ramble to the press covering the police looking too young these days, local councils banning Christmas decorations and never forgiving the Germans, 87-year-old Rubén Baraja has been moaning and groaning about his lack of action for Valencia this season.

“I feel unwanted as I’m not getting minutes or even getting into the team,” complained the midfielder whose only chance of a kick-about these days is when Ever Banega is pulled off by Unai Emery.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Barcelona (1st) vs Getafe (7th)

Joan Laporta seems to have lost all interest in the whole running-Barcelona business, with Mr President admitting that he wants to become the undisputed King of Catalunya, forever and ever and ever.

“I’m capable of governing Catalunya,” boasted Joan this week.

“I showed this with all my years at Barcelona” - years when a temper-holding Laporta only removed his trousers at an airport in a huff just the once.

Cataluyna is “a drugged state [partly true in one way - LLL] that is dying because it is being killed,” explained the Barcelona bigwig, who is expected to stand in the local elections due to be held at end of the year.

The response to his ramblings was more than a little hostile in Sport, with Lluis Mascaró warning that “it is one thing to lead Barça... and another to have the responsibility of leading a country.”

Especially one that is dying by being killed. Whilst drugged.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Madrid (2nd) vs Espanyol (14th)

La Liga Loca has decided to break decades of bad habits by being nice to Raúl for a wee while.

The reason for this most uncharacteristic burst of kindness is the Madrid captain informing the local press that he's not too fussed about sitting on the bench - “I can’t complain... sooner or later it was going to happen” - and that there is no blinkin’ refereeing conspiracy behind Barcelona’s position at the top of the table.

“They are leaders on their own merits,” opined the striker.

This appears to have thrown a damp tea towel over what was becoming a chip-pan fire of insanity with Marca and AS crying foul about the Barcelona being better than Madrid business, Sport and Mundo Deportivo crying foul over Marca and AS crying foul and then Marca and AS crying foul over Sport and Mundo Deportivo crying foul over Marca and AS crying foul.

In the end, everyone appears to be friends again (until this weekend, at least) with Sport even taking time out to praise Raúl’s honourable behaviour.

And in an extra bonus piece of news, it seems that Guti is dispelling the lazy and inconsistent reputation he carts about by being an injury doubt for the Espanyol clash, due to abdominal muscle hurtiness.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sunday

Málaga (15th) vs Deportivo (6th)

This week’s News from Sweden concerns a cheesy incident from the country’s capital...

“A 59-year-old man has been arrested for using his ex-wife's musophobia to wreak cruel revenge for their break up after he pushed 19 mice through her letter box on Sunday morning.

"The jilted ex-husband has been arrested on suspicion of unlawful threats and animal welfare offences.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Athletic (8th) vs Xerez (20th)

The Rafa Benítez "wanting a sofa and getting a lamp" business has now become footballing folklore round some parts.

But this Mestalla-based story has been beaten brilliantly by Xerez, a team that needed a fair bit of tinkering on their squad during January in the “need 22 more footballers” sense of the word.

To put it bluntly, during the transfer window Xerez were looking for a Space Shuttle to have any chance of surviving relegation this season.

Instead, they were handed a scooter.

Over the past month, the club were only able to reinforce their playing ranks with just two footballers.

However, Marca have noted that they have managed to pick up a new president, manager, assistant manager, physical trainer, goalkeeping coach, sporting director and the all-important assistant sporting director.

This is probably because none of them are going to get paid over the six months due to the administration process that Xerez currently find themselves in, thanks to the fine work of the previous owners.

“The debt to the tax man is the worst,” complained new president Federico Suazo. “It seems that nobody paid anything.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Mallorca (5th) vs Villarreal (10th)

Spot the difference:

“This is the worst moment of my career,” complained Villarreal’s Robert Pires to the press on January 20th. “The coach [Ernesto Valverde] isn’t picking me and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“We all have the chance to prove ourselves to the new manager and I think the competition will be good for everyone.” Pressure for starting places is suddenly a good thing, says Robert Pires on February 4 after Valverde’s sacking.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Osasuna (9th) vs Tenerife (19th)

Little Tenerife have learned a valuable lesson in the dangers of fighting The Powers That Be.

The lesson being “Don’t do it.”

A couple of weeks ago, the idea was floated of one match per round of la Primera kicking off on a Monday night, English-style.

This game would exclude those taking part in any European competitions (allowing Real Madrid to join in the fun in a few weeks), possessing a sick note for asthma, forgetting their football kit - matches will not be held with footballers in their pants, no matter how much Cristiano Ronaldo wants it - and would not take place on an international week.

La Liga Loca expected this brand new notion to be mulled over for a century or two before being implemented.

Instead, Monday night football will be taking place as soon as the next round of action.

In a rapidly staged vote this week, 40 clubs in the LFP voted for the change in match schedule, with just one club opposing it - Tenerife.

And, of course, it is Tenerife vs Mallorca which has been selected by complete chance as the first game to be moved to the dream-ticket, 21.00 Monday night slot.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Almería (16th) vs Sporting (11th)

Pretty much the only side with fans who bother to support their team around the country for away games is Sporting.

And this is almost certainly one of the clubs that is going to be selected to play on a Monday night on quite a few occasions in the seasons to come.

So this will be causing the thousands-strong support - those with jobs, children, etc - one or two logistical issues, notes the president of Sporting's fan groups in Friday’s AS.

“They consider us to be the last monkeys in the circus,” rants José María Suárez Braña, who points out that away fans are already hit hard by having to fork out for two hotel nights because fixture dates are not known more than a week in advance.

Braña also has sympathy for those (admittedly few) Mallorca fans who may have booked flights and hotels in Tenerife who now have to change all their arrangements.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Zaragoza (18th) vs Sevilla (4th)

“The relationship between the coach and the supporters is worthy of a doctoral thesis,” noted Sevilla president José Maria del Nido last year on the bond - or lack of it - between his coach Manolo Jiménez and the Sanchez Pizjuán faithful.

This bond was stretched to breaking point on Wednesday in the first leg of the club’s cup semi against Getafe, when the Sevilla manager opted for bringing off Negredo after 36 minutes and replacing him with Romaric - a midfielder.

At the time, Sevilla were being battered by the visitors.

But that ended after Manolo’s brilliant midfield-shoring tactical switch and Sevilla went on to win the clash 2-0 - a handy lead to take to next week’s return leg in the Coliseum.

“I’m not here to make people happy. I’m paid to make decisions,” declared the triumphant Jiménez afterwards.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Racing (12th) vs Atlético Madrid (13th)

There are probably some book-reading, egghead types out there who can work out a formula to predict the likelihood of an Atlético Madrid victory in any given game.

La Liga Loca can certainly kick things off by offering up the factors involved. The chance of a win relates to:

Fear of being lynched by the crowd
x dislike of more ridicule in the press
x chance of extra bonuses
x opportunities for getting laid by impressed lusty ladies
x being generally a*sed about the encounter.

Atleti were around hundred times better on Thursday than the performance from last Sunday against Málaga and beat Racing 4-0 in the 1st leg of their Copa del Rey semi-final.

But you can bet your house that the Rojiblancos will lose Sunday’s league encounter between the two clubs.

LLL Prediction - Home win

------------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

Could Guti be Spain’s World Cup Wonder?

Tim Stannard — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 17:00:00 GMT

Bernd Schuster says the concept is “ridiculous.”

Vicente del Bosque muses that “the door is open.”

Sport claim that he can’t change his ways at 33.

Penelope Cruz screams “in the name of all that is holy, La Liga Loca! Leave me alone! How did you get my number, anyway? Don’t you understand that it’s over between us!”

All week, the whole country has been a-buzzin' with the notion that Guti could be the most unexpected of entries into Spain’s World Cup squad for South Africa 2010.

And all because of a back-heel to Benzema up in La Coruña.

That backheel (click to watch)

Many argue that the idea is insane, ridiculous, barmy, ludicrous, absurd, risible, nonsensical and farcical.

Others maintain that the debate is complete b*llocks, dreamt up by AS and Marca after some kind of bet to see what they can get away with.

But La Liga Loca asks: Guti at the World Cup with Spain? Why the heck not?

Why It's Crazy Talk

1) In Guti’s 14 seasons as a Real Madrid professional - stretching that term to breaking point - the midfielder has played in fewer than half of the available minutes during that spell.

This stands in comparison with the 78 percent racked up by Raúl, who is just nine months older.

This rather hefty absentee rate has been down to laziness, injuries both real and... (checks law book...) real, falling out with coaches, being suspended, awful form, dentist appointments, christenings, holidays, something good being on TV and offering naff all for much of the season aside from a couple of over-hyped passes the blog’s dead granny could make given the opportunities Guti has handed to him every year.

Guti would be as committed to Spain’s World Cup cause as Maniche is to a bowl of Special K.

"Siesta time!"

2) Guti may claim this week that he would like to go to South Africa, but this is the player that Katy Perry writes songs about (two of them, in fact).

In the course of a recent interview Guti revealed that he wanted to see out his career at Real Madrid, play in England (see proof on the YouTube!), play for Inter Milan and retire to Bangkok to bomb around on a moped.

The Madrid player may be itching to go to the World Cup now, but what happens when Del Bosque calls him up and Guti pulls out due to the opening of a new hat shop?

Or the home delivery of a disco ball?

3) Because he waddles like Liam Gallagher circa What’s the Story, Morning Glory?.

Why It's Perfect Sense

1) When the chips are down, the turnips are up and it’s all gone Pete Tong out on the pitch, the footballer that Spain really needs coming off the bench is not Cesc Fabregas, but Guti - the only player in the world who can change the fortunes of his team in a split second with a moment of pure genius.*

*Not technically true. Guti generally likes Madrid to be a good two or three goals to the good against beleaguered opposition before making his “killer passes,” which tend to be fairly ordinary when taken out of context of the Madridista hype-machine.

2) Spain may well come up against all kinds of dastardly, dark-arts devils during this summer’s footballing festival.

The midfielder is the one cat who is guaranteed to remain cool, calm and collected in the midst of the most horrendous of hullabaloos.**

**Again, a slight white lie. Just boot Guti a couple of times from behind (see Osasuna games) and you can be sure he’ll be sent off after a retaliatory knee-breaker just seconds later.

"Yeaaaaaah!!!!"

3) Guti is better than all of Spain’s current midfielders combined. And then some. For example...

Xavi has suckered the world into thinking he is a superstar due to his ability to complete five-yard passes.

“Whoopedy do!” says the blog. Guti can do them backwards. And he’s a more useful presence in the dressing room when items off high shelves are required.

Iniesta? Forehead too big, scalp too bare and hasn’t scored for his club this season. Guti? Cool hair and THREE goals.

And as for the new young tyke, Jesus Navas?

All Luis Fabiano needs to do in their upcoming clash in South Africa is show the Sevilla man a photo of his house and he’ll be sobbing into the turf and shipped home before you can say “I should never have left Andalusia.”

These are the arguments both for and against Guti’s World Cup inclusion, plain and clear.

Now it's time for the blog collective to chew over this week’s big issue: Guti - should he stay, or should he go?

Join in the discussion below or, for more lengthy debate, on the FourFourTwo forums

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

Nice guys turn nasty with sudden sackings

Tim Stannard — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 10:30:00 GMT

Two clubs normally defined by their square-jawed, steadfast ways have reacted to poor results in the last round of matches to pull the lever marked “Gaaah!” by firing their coaches.

The sudden departures of Ernesto Valverde and José Luis Mendilibar from Villarreal and Valladolid respectively signals the sad end of la Primera’s ‘Scottish trio’ made up of the two ex-coaches and former Xerez boss Cuco Ziganda.

All could be defined by their David Moyes-esque scowling, dour demeanours, potential handiness in tasty bar scraps, and would certainly have been haggis-hagglers had they had been cursed with the misfortune of being born in the British Isles.

Valverde, Mendilibar and Ziganda: dour

The Sunday night firing of Valverde from El Madrigal broke the laws of reason by being simultaneously surprising and not unexpected.

Manuel Pellegrini’s successor at the east coast club had only survived the start of the season by the hairs on his chinny-chinny-chin after his team picked up just one win in their first eight league games.

NEWS, Sun Jan 31: Villarreal sack Valverde

But a less expansive, more ‘pragmatic’ style of football than that of his predecessor never sat well with Villarreal’s players, who are to change what Maniche is to Spandex.

It may have been more than acceptable to Villarreal ruler Fernando Roig had this culture clash being rewarded with decent results, but a team more than capable of a top-three finish is now squatting in ninth, 10 points from the Champions League places.

Two other influential factors were the side’s early exit from the Copa del Rey, which left the club with the emptiest of trophy cabinets for another year, and a defence that's all over the shop having conceded eight goals against Valencia, Zaragoza and Osasuna in the last three matches.

“Villarreal can’t play this kind of football,” explained Roig after leading Valverde to his car.

“Things have not gone how we hoped, from the start.”

Roig (right): "Alright already, I'll sack him"

The unfortunate Ernesto has been replaced by Juan Carlos Garrido, who has led Villarreal's B team to an impressive seventh in the second division and promises to return the senior squad to their previous fancy-pants football ways.

The morning after Villarreal’s managerial manoeuvrings, the season's seventh top-tier coaching casualty was announced with Valladolid parting company with José Luis Mendilibar, a gentleman best known for his profound love of shouting, pointing, bickering with referees and an offside trap set up on the halfway line.

NEWS, Mon Feb 1: Valladolid sack Mendilibar

The coach at the coldest place on earth for three-and-half-seasons was lucky to survive this long at Valladolid, having only just avoided relegation on the final day of the last campaign and leading his team to a somewhat disappointing three wins in 31 league matches.

Valladolid president Carlos Suárez is by the far the coolest of his ilk in la Primera.

Just 41, he's a former professional basketball player who actually understands sport, a chain-smoker who seems to loathe sitting in the ‘palco’ next to the likes of Joan Laporta.

And he's the spitting image of Queens Of The Stone Age frontman Josh Homme.

A Homme and a hombre

After announcing Mendilibar’s departure, Suárez declared that he was sure that “it was the right decision” and went for the cheap-as-chips Villarreal approach by promoting B team coach Onésimo Sánchez.

However, La Liga Loca suspects that the unemployed pair of Valverde and Mendilibar will not be the last to go in la Liga this season.

Atlético Madrid president Enrique Cerezo has already got tongues a-waggin' by declaring that Quique Sánchez Flores’ job at the Vicente Calderón “is quite safe” - something he did with Javier Aguirre and Abel Resino, with disastrous consequences for both.

AS claim that a Copa del Rey knockout against Racing and a league defeat against, er, Racing on Sunday will see Quique out – with La Liga Loca praying for the return of the real Dream Team: Atleti and Luis Aragonés.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Week 20

Tim Stannard — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 14:30:00 GMT

RESULTS Sat Jan 30 Deportivo La Coruna 1-3 Real Madrid, Espanyol 1-0 Athletic Bilbao, Sporting Gijon 0-1 Barcelona Sun Jan 31 Atletico Madrid 0-2 Malaga, Getafe 0-0 Racing Santander, Sevilla 2-1 Valencia, Tenerife 1-3 Real Zaragoza, Valladolid 1-1 Almeria, Villarreal 0-2 Osasuna, Xerez 2-1 Mallorca

Good Day

Barcelona

“Invictus” cried Sport after Barça’s 1-0 win over Sporting.

“Cheating scumbags” was the vibe from both AS and Marca, who feel that Pedro’s goal was offside and came from a free-kick taken in the wrong place.

What’s more, Leo Messi should have been sent off, apparently, and Sporting were deserving of a spot-kick after a push from Rafa Marquez.

“A strange penalty against Madrid and a strange goal for Barcelona,” complains Tomas Guasch in Monday’s AS.

To this end, Real Madrid are now just a point behind Barcelona in Marca’s league table based on their own refereeing of la Liga’s games.

Happily for the Culé collective, Pep’s Dream Boys still have a five-point lead over Madrid in the real world, after a game where the scoreline was narrow but the dominance over the opposition was immense.

And as for Pedro’s goal? Spanish TV channel Cuatro built a graphic showing that the Barça forward was offside when Andrés Iniesta made his pass.

Another, Gol TV, used the “latest technology” to show that it was valid, after all.

Make of that, what you will.

Guti

These are strange days indeed.

Flying machines, talking boxes, and a Madrid media that now feels that Guti’s showboating, shot-bottling back-heel to Karim Benzema is justification enough for the midfielder to go to the World Cup with Spain.

And not as the official jester, either.

“If he continues this way he could be very useful in South Africa,” argued the paper that branded the footballer ‘God’ and forced the picnic blanket-wearing Real Madrid player to recreate his magic moment in his back garden.

Xerez

A 2-1 win over Mallorca sees the club’s points tally moving into double figures and within touching distance - in the Mr Tickle sense - of fourth-from-bottom Valladolid who are seven points away.

Duda

With all due respect to Málaga - which is very little, as it happens, considering their owner is Lorenzo Sanz - Duda is far, far, far too good for the Andalusian side and should play more than the role of a midfielder who bounces between Málaga, where he is on loan, and Sevilla.

Duda’s early effort against Atlético and constant attacks down both flanks inspired a win for an injury-hit Málaga side at the Vicente Calderón.

He should surely persuade someone, somewhere that the Portuguese international deserves a move to a higher footballing plain.

Alvaro Negredo

Having had more sticky patches than Ever Banega’s keyboard, Alvaro Negredo bought himself some breathing space from his many critics with two goals for Sevilla to defeat Valencia on Sunday night, including an absolute peach of a lob.

It remains to be seen if Sevilla are getting back to their best, as Manolo Jiménez claimed after the match – but having Luis Fabiano, Fredi Kanouté and an on-form Negredo in the ranks can’t be a bad thing.

Espanyol

A miserable, miserable game in El Prat saw Espanyol come away 1-0 winners against Athletic in a match that Paul from Barcelona joined the blog in taking one for the team by enduring.

“A very comfortable victory for Espanyol against a weak Athletic team. Athletic seemed to spend most of the game pretending to be injured [harsh!!!! - LLL] and hoping to stop the play.

"Bizarrely, they went mental when an Espanyol player was down and the ball was kicked out. Not much of note to report except a fine move led to Luis García's tap-in. Athletic tried hard in injury time but never looked like scoring.

"Points of note - slim pickings, I'm afraid.

"Espanyol's Javi Marquez was excellent yet again. Came through the youth team and is a gem. Funny though, we don't tend to bang on about it like other teams. Didac, another from the youth team, had a solid debut – the seventh junior to make his debut this season.

"Athletic's away support was poor by their standards and their team was just as poor. The only thing poorer was, yes, you’ve guessed it, the officials.

"Athletic were so poor, even the ref couldn't find a way to help them score. He was bad but his linesmen were abysmal."

Paul, Barcelona

Zaragoza

After 11 attempts Zaragoza managed to win a game and had it all tied up in a mad eight-minute spell when Gay’s men knocked three past the hapless Tenerife defence.

Bad Day

Ernesto Valverde

Wow. Like the rest of the inhabitants of la Primera’s punditland, La Liga Loca really didn’t see the Villarreal coach being fired this weekend.

Then again, it really didn’t expect the 2-0 home defeat to Osasuna either.

The combination of the poor start to the season, the embarrassing cup exit to Celta Vigo - a side that even Atlético overcame - the near-capitulation against Zaragoza last week and this latest reverse sees Valverde out on the street.

Atlético Madrid

“They’re back!” “They’re terrible!” “They’re back!” “They’re terrible” - and so the Spanish press continues in their coverage of Atlético Madrid, who are now lurching from lamppost to bin like Giovani dos Santos after a good night out.

Sunday’s Málaga defeat was probably the worst performance it has seen at the Vicente Calderón this season and didn’t have a single positive that could be taken from the game.

Aside from the comedy result, that is.

Athletic Bilbao

The two worst halves of football endured by La Liga Loca this season that haven’t involved Deportivo - they take up 27 places - have involved Athletic Bilbao.

The first was the opening 45 minutes against Mallorca at the beginning of January.

The latest was Saturday’s encounter at Espanyol that still makes the blog shudder just to think about it.

Valladolid

A truly desperate 1-1 draw against Almería sees Valladolid coach José Luis Mendilibar in Monday’s papers being tipped as the second manager this week to be losing his job.

Manucho

The Africa Cup of Nations already made it hard for the Valladolid striker to fulfil his promise of 40 goals this season.

Now the forward has another game fewer after his sending off against Almería, leaving him a target of 38 strikes from just 18 games.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

The Betis-Missing Weekend Predictions - Round 20

Tim Stannard — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:00:00 GMT

Saturday

Espanyol (14th) vs Athletic (8th)

Once his chores are done of an evening, his homework completed and piano practice endured, little Iker Muniain is allowed a little downtime before being packed off to bed at eight every night.

And rather than spending what little leisure time he possesses on harassing grannies, happy-slapping and being rude to the Plod - or whatever youngsters like to get up to these days - the Athletic striker is fond of winding down by throwing darts at cut-outs of Sergio Canales' big, stupid face.

“I was supposed to be the Next, Next, Next Big Thing, this season!” squeaks the 17-year-old has-been. “I was the new Bojan!”

Despite having had the brightest of starts to the season for the Basque club with praise aplenty, Muniain’s star has waned a little of late having been handed just a smattering of substitute appearances in recent months for Athletic.

Even worse for ickle Iker was having to turn out for the club’s second team this week in a Basque derby down in the unmentionable third tier of Spanish football - a derby which his side ended up losing.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Sporting (10th) vs Barcelona (1st)

Barcelona have just proved once and for all that the world of football finance is nuts. Really nuts.

In a 2009 when it was simply not possible to win anything more and at a club whose global profile and fan base is fairly high, Barcelona made the enormous profit of... (puts Dr Evil finger to mouth) ...€8 million!

A fair amount of their potential profits were taken up by their lack of shirt sponsorship - something their fans never like to talk about, of course - plus the €50m paid in bonuses and the €69.5m forked out for Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Oh, and the €14m spooned in Palmerias’ direction for striker Keirrison – a footballer who went on loan to Benfica last summer but is according to AS on the brink of being returned early on the grounds that the Brazilian is a duffer having had just one start for his side this season - as The Portugeezer has explained.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Deportivo (5th) vs Real Madrid (2nd)

The window for entries for the 73rd edition of the blog’s Sycophant of the Year award has only just been eased open with a screwdriver.

But, incredibly, La Liga Loca suspects that the winner of this year’s droolfest has already made themselves known to the world.

Making the biggest of marks in 2010, with more furious sucking than a galaxy hoover, is Marca TV presenter and beauty school dropout Leticia Sabater, with her ode to the all round yumminess of Florentino Pérez - and how the impending seven-point lead for Barcelona at the top of the table is definitely, definitely, definitely not the fault of His Royal Perfectness.

“Florentino can only be congratulated for the promises he has fulfilled,” gushes lovestruck Leticia in the editorial pages of Tuesday’s edition.

“He is so kind, so caring towards the fans, has promoted his star players well and kept confidence in the coach,” she continues, having either got a room or being in the process of procuring one.

However, the fluffy-bunny act turns all feisty when she moves onto the subject of Manuel Pellegrini, a coach she calls “a disgrace.”

“Madrid should have a lead of 10 points over Barcelona,” opines Leticia.

So, please try to remember the world according to Marca, all you Madrid fans. Florentino gooooood. Pellegrini baaaaaad.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Sunday

Tenerife (18th) vs Zaragoza (19th)

One team desperately trying to disprove the centuries-old notion that winter signings never work is Zaragoza.

The bottom-dwelling Aragonese side have everything crossed in the hope that they have landed themselves six Higuaíns in the winter window and not six Fauberts.

Six is the number of players that have so far been lured to la Romareda in January for a fun five months in la Primera before being packed off to the second division for the rest of their miserable days.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Xerez (20th) vs Mallorca (4th)

There’s a huge number of ways of having a pop at bottom-of-the-table Xerez - their inability to score goals, defend, pass, plan properly, sign decent players, pay bills, hire managers with post-1978 haircuts...

But you certainly can’t fault their plucky optimism in the face of all reason and logic.

Despite managing just a single, solitary victory all season and being nine points from safety, club captain Emilio Viqueira believes that there is still fight in the old Xerez dog left in the manner of Comical Ali during the first Iraq war.

“We must never lose our passion,” chirped the midfielder, who claims that Xerez will go into the final matches of the campaign with options to stay up and that it was a fine time to play Mallorca - before being told of their league position, that is.

“They’re where in the table?” said an incredulous Viqueira.

“Really? Oh. In that case we’re f***ed, then.”

LLL Prediction - Away win

Villarreal (9th) vs Osasuna (12th)

Disastrous starts, chances missed, leads blown.

La Liga Loca is now convinced that come the end of the season, the Villarreal players will be unmasked caretaker / Scooby Doo style to discover that they have been Atlético Madrid all along.

Which begs the question, who have Atlético Madrid really been all year? Betis?

LLL Prediction - Home win

Valladolid (17th) vs Almería (15th)

La Liga Loca never thought it would write this, but it desperately misses Betis. So, so much.

And that it is praying to Baby Jesus every night that one of these two tedious nonentities facing each other on Sunday drop out of the top flight to be replaced by the Seville side.

This week, Betis took what they thought to be a big step forward in fulfilling the blog’s innermost desires by rewarding the manager who stepped down a division to lead them, Antonio Tapia, by sacking him.

Despite being in seventh and just four points from a play-off spot, Darth de Lopera has dispensed with the coaching services of the former Málaga man and replaced him with la Liga’s serial sack merchant, Víctor Fernández.

“You can’t say no to Betis,” said the former Zaragoza, Tenerife, Celta, Betis, Porto and Zaragoza boss, telling the truth on so many levels.

“I accepted without thinking about the consequences,” claimed Fernández, denying that his new contract did not require his or anyone else’s blood.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Getafe (7th) vs Racing (13th)

Technically speaking, Getafe president Angel Torres is a fairly smart cookie.

Despite the season being only halfway through, the Coliseum bigwig has overseen a side that sits in seventh with just four wins needed to secure safety, as well as managing their third cup semi-final in four years after their aggregate win over Mallorca.

But Torres is permanently cursed with the confused look of a 10-pints-to-the-wind drunkard trying to work out the implications of the clocks going back.

And it looks like he may have had one of his less brilliant moments this week, deciding to ensure a full house for Thursday’s crucial second-leg clash with Mallorca by charging Getafe’s season ticket holders another €20 for a game that they have already paid for.

The result was a crowd of just 1,500 hardy souls and more empty seats than the launch of Deportivo’s season highlights DVD.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Atlético Madrid (11th) vs Málaga (16th)

Once again, the Spanish football press have proved that they really do have the memories of goldfish when it comes to the world of Atlético Madrid.

Over the past few months, the papers have been caught in an insane cycle that greets every win with “Atlético are back!” and every defeat as a disaster.

The Rojiblancos are currently having more dramatic ups and downs than a child sharing a bouncy castle with Maniche.

Their latest high point that allows the club to “dream again,” according to AS, is a narrow 1-0 win over Celta Vigo to squeeze into the Copa del Rey semis where they’ll surely be thrashed over two legs by Racing.

The question now is whether this will be followed by a big old thud and a defeat against Málaga on Sunday evening.

La Liga Loca will be at the Vicente Calderón to find out from 18.45 and you can read the live Tweetage at http://twitter.com/laligaloca.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (6th) vs Valencia (3rd)

La Liga Loca is going to have enormous bruises on its forehead once again, with the “is David Villa leaving in the summer?” desk-headbutting stories starting up for what feels like the 15th year in a row.

Having admitted a few months ago that he is more than open to the concept of life in England with its soon-to-be-launched police spy-drones, Villa has now switched his story to say that he is quite content at Mestalla after all.

“Everyone can relax because I am happy at Valencia and prove this every day.”

Thud. Thud. Thud.

LLL Prediction - Away win

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

The race to be Barça’s new boss begins

Tim Stannard — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:00:00 GMT

While the prize for Florentino Pérez after his own victory was the chance to gaze at the Santiago Bernabeu whilst drooling “mmm... office blocks...” Homer Simpson-style, the reward for Barcelona’s next boss is to become the man who made the Invincibles... er... vincible.

After a perfect 2009, the only direction now for the Catalan club is down.

But despite this sad inevitability, a whole gaggle of grey-suited egotists are a’groin-stretching on the blocks, ready for the race to become Barça’s bus-driver of doom.

Although an official date for the poll has yet to be announced, this week saw the start of campaigning in the Barcelona presidential elections that are set to take place between March and June, or whenever Joan Laporta’s anointed heir has the best chance of winning.

That particular gentleman is Alfons Godall, who has been on the Barcelona board since 2003 and also happens to be Laporta’s childhood friend - a shock for those who assumed he didn’t have any.

Godall announced his pre-candidatureness on Monday at a special function where he had the out-going and outgoing Laporta by his side.

“Alfons Godall can do even better than I did,” claimed the King of Catalunya in his first recorded attempt at modesty - an effort that almost induced a stroke.

Godall’s hefty challenge is to be the continuity candidate who can deliver both success and stability but also distance himself from Laporta, who is not everyone’s cup of Cava at the Camp Nou due to his megalomaniac political ways.

Laporta (centre): Retiring, but not shy

The Chosen One has refuted suggestions of a Putin/Medvedev-style switcheroo at the end of Laporta’s two-term limit by declaring his independence from his friend and promising “more partners, more fans, more emotions, more sports, more members...” and more smugness, no doubt.

However, Godall has a rival in his continuity candidate camp with another VP, Jaume Ferrer, also in the running to be the Barcelona big boss.

Ferrer’s electoral vibe promises more of the same sporting success but without Laporta lurking in the shadows.

“Laporta was one of the best presidents of Barcelona but the problem has been his manner. He can be overpowering,” claimed Ferrer, who was reportedly called a whole stack of nasty names by his furious boss when he announced his intentions to stand.

Godall’s camp have been on the attack straight away with one of his supporters and Barcelona moneyman, Xavier Sala-i-Martin, claiming that Ferrer wanted to sack Frank Rijkaard in 2003 and was firmly against the signing of Mad Sammy Eto’o.

This bout of bitchiness has already caused some concerns in the Barcelona press with worries abound that a dysfunctional, infighting, institutional Barcelona will be more focused on the presidential poll than winning trophies.

"We should prepare ourselves for a high-tension campaign,” warns Joan Battle in Sport. 

Hoping to take advantage of what is inevitability going to turn into a vote-splitting jelly-wrestle between “I’m Spartacus” and “No, I’m Spartacus” are two former VPs who both fell out with Laporta along the way but fancy another bite at the Barça buffet.

Sandro Rosell was Laporta’s best buddy on the board who brought Ronaldinho to the Camp Nou, but who later fell out with his friend over his alleged authoritarian ways and quit in 2005.

Rosell: "Look Joan, I don't want to see you any more"

To date, Rosell has merely made mutterings over his intention to stand – as is the case with another fallen VP, Ferran Soriano, who quit in the summer of 2008.

All four of the potential candidates will claim responsibility for the current sporting success of Barcelona.

All four will also be looking to distance themselves from the independance-declaring, trouser-removing figure of Joan Laporta. 

But all four could well rock Barcelona’s boat over the next few months as they begin to slug it out amongst themselves over the chance to be the next Camp Nou king.

 Meanwhile, the footballers are expected to get on with the job of making their bosses and potential bosses look good, despite their own reservations on the affair as shared by Andrés Iniesta: “I’d prefer the elections to take place at the end of the season, so they don’t destabilise the team.”

 However, it already looks like the New Dream Team may be turning into a bit of a nightmare.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

Real rally to defence of elbows-akimbo Ronaldo

Tim Stannard — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 11:30:00 GMT

If Real Madrid actually had a pair they’d take the Cristiano Ronaldo banning business on the chin - or rather the nose - like poor old flat-faced Patrick Mtiliga had to.

NEWS, Mon Jan 25: Mtiliga nose broken by Ronaldo

“Suspend him for a decade!” they would cry.

“A thousand years! Do your worst! Don’t need him! We’re Real Madrid!”

The problem for the inhabitants of Castle Greyskull is that they have absolutely no faith in their forward line without the presence of either CR9 or Gonzalo Higuaín, who's injured.

This is especially the case ahead of Saturday night’s game against the Deportivo bogeymen at a ground where they’ve not won for nearly 20 years - a scenario that must be giving the second-placed side the biggest of willies.

So it's no surprise that the Madridista press has launched a desperate ‘Free Ronaldo!’ campaign ahead of Tuesday’s meeting of the league’s disciplinary committee in an attempt to get a fair and just outcome for their poor persecuted superstar.

And like a puppy with three legs or Arizmendi trying to play football, the campaign is a sight both endearing and pathetic.

"Ruff!"

Although the general vibe in Capital City is that a one-match suspension for Ronaldo will be tolerated - barely - despite the enormous injustice of the initial sending off, the message being beamed to la Liga’s punishers on the front pages of both Marca and AS is that a two-match ban for Ronaldo would rival anything the Burmese Junta could conjure for cruelty.

A key strategy for the defence is that the footballer under discussion is Cristiano Ronaldo, is pretty and kind to kittens.

“I just want to be allowed to play” is his front-page plea in Tuesday's Marca.

The fact that he plays for Real Madrid is crucial too, as all governing bodies in Spain clearly love Barcelona and hate Madrid.

Therefore the disciplinary committee should show mercy on this particular occasion and buck this trend of bias.

Another argument against a two-match suspension for Ronaldo is Zinedine Zidane’s declaration that Cristiano Ronaldo is not a violent player, which is akin to Phil Spector getting Charles Manson to say “you know, he’s not that bad really.”

"He was ever so quiet, kept himself to himself"

Marca have a good old straw-grasp with their contention that the referee’s report from the Málaga clash was not clear enough to warrant a two-match suspension for violent conduct because it did not make the crucial distinction of whether Ronaldo’s aggression took place on or off the ball or “at the airport” according to the paper’s “refereeing contacts.”

Pérez Lasa, the man who dared to “provoke Madridista anger over the controversial sending off,” could end up causing feelings of joy amongst the same masses over his glaring error, apparently.

AS helpfully note that Lasa chose to speak to the media over Sunday’s affair in Catalunya, with the obvious implication being that the referee is a card-carrying Barcelona fan.

However, the big defence being promoted by both papers is the “but he did it first!” strategy centred on Leo Messi’s involvement in what they claim to be a similar incident with Sevilla player Marc Valiente a few weeks back - an incident ending up with Valiente being booked for pulling on Messi’s shirt.

CR9 takes the long walk

But unlike Sunday's scuffle it was an incident that didn't end up with a nose being broken by a flying elbow – a fairly important distinction, one would have thought.

Not so, says AS editor Alfredo Relaño.

“Cristiano did exactly what Messi did, except Cristiano is bigger than the Argentinian, has longer arms, while at the same time Mtiliga is smaller than Valiente so the blows struck where they shouldn’t have.”

“Cristiano has not done anything worse than others before him,” explains Tuesday’s editorial in Marca, “so he should not be made a scapegoat.”

The “Free Ronaldo!” campaign from the Madridista press ahead of Tuesday afternoon’s meeting smacks of desperation and dark days at the Santiago Bernabeu.

It is unlikely that such a defence would be launched if Fernando Gago were in Ronaldo’s shoes.

It shows that the €100 million spent on Kaká and Karim Benzema and the presence of Raúl still isn’t enough to help a side that is one thing with Cristiano Ronaldo, but something very different without him.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

Good Day, Bad Day: Round 19

Tim Stannard — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 15:00:00 GMT

Good Day

Dani Alves

La Liga Loca is uncertain whether Dani Alves’ goal was a mishit cross or flukey shot. But it isn’t that bothered about finding out, really.

It was just a cracking strike and topped off a superb performance by the cheeky Brazilian, which produced an assist and a nightmare night for Valladolid’s vanquished defence.

“If he weren’t human, Alves would be an almost perfect machine,” gasped Juan Cruz in AS over the full-back’s performance.

Saturday’s 3-0 win away at Valladolid was similar to many other matches from Barcelona this season: let the opposition have a wee nibble for 20 minutes before devouring their opponents like Maniche and a Big Mac.

With Deportivo set to stuff Real Madrid in Riazor once again next week, La Liga Loca has a sneaky feeling that Barcelona’s lead at the top of the table is about to be considerably larger than five.

Sevilla

Saturday was an extremely good day for Sevilla, with the team’s 1-0 win over Almería not bad considering the sixth-placed side were absolutely atrocious and only had a jammy goal and another fine performance from Andrés Palop to thank for preventing what should have been their fifth league defeat in a row.

Getafe

Due to some Bernabeu business, La Liga Loca completely missed Getafe’s glorious 1-0 thrashing of Atlético to officially become “the second best side in Madrid."

Pound for pound, a sniffy La Liga Loca would probably move Getafe up a position in that particular chart.

Sunday’s win in the Coliseum gives Getafe 30 points to make it the best Primera start for the side in their top-flight history.

Villarreal

It was a game of Russian roulette for Villarreal, claims Monday’s Marca.

Luckily, Ernesto Valverde’s side avoided having their brains plastered over El Madrigal against Zaragoza. But only just.

At 3-0 up and coasting, Villarreal decided to give their fans some Sunday evening stress by letting their opponents grab two before picking up a fourth with just minutes left through a ponderous Ariel Ibagaza effort.

“In the world of football, everyone suffers,” noted Valverde after the game.

These days, this is especially the case for his own side’s supporters.

César Sánchez

It may not have been a great match for his Valencia team-mates in the goalless draw at Tenerife, but the 57-year-old goalie spared the blushes of the failing forward line against a tenacious opposition team with some cracking saves.

Racing Santander

The 1-0 away win at Sporting was Racing’s third in four and... and... everyone stopped reading after the word ‘the’, didn’t they?

Cristiano Ronaldo

It was a truly touching moment. Cristiano Ronaldo down on his knees, looking to the heavens for an explanation for yet another heinous slur against his good name.

All that was missing was an Anakin / Darth style “Nooooo!” and a frantic fist wave in response to his second red card of the season.

The Madrid forward is fulfilling nearly all of La Liga Loca's pre-season expectations of him.

Gallons of pouting, oodles of needless stepovers, scaring the pants off Villarreal defenders and some cracking goals along the way - the most recent being the second effort against Málaga on Sunday night.

All that’s missing is a series of uncomfortably-squatting, boob-flaunting floozies bragging about their nights of passion with the wondrous winger on the infinite number of gossip programmes filling Spain’s airwaves.

Most importantly of all, Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the few Primera performers capable of getting into La Liga Loca’s Good Day section and...

Bad Day

Cristiano Ronaldo

...the Bad Day section, having ruined (or embellished, depending on which way your milkshake is sucked) his fine brace against Málaga with a swipe of the elbow to rearrange poor Patrick Mtiliga’s face.

Even militantly Madridista Marca admit that the second-half red card was a fair cop guv'nor, but Monday’s editorial still pleads forgiveness for the player from the fans.

“He made a mistake, but he’s not killed anyone,” claims the column.

Even more remarkably, the paper fails to include Ronaldo in the Top Ten heroes and villains section of their weekend review and chooses to make Guti the top performer in the world’s wild weekend of sport.

La Liga Loca feels that it would have been a very different outcome had, say, Zlatan Ibrahimovic seen red under the same circumstances.

Kaká, Karim Benzema

It may be a tad unfair to rip this underperforming pair to shreds every week, but it’s fun and that’s all that matters really after another game when they both did next to nothing.

The blog chatted to Málaga’s defensive nut-job Weligton (yes, Weligton) after his side’s defeat to try and get him to dish more dirt on Dumb and Dumber.

But the Brazilian centre-back refused to put the boot in and simply said that they were both great players and it was very enjoyable to play against the pair. Bah!

Felipe Luis

Destitute-Deportivo may have won their home clash against Athletic Bilbao - wholly undeservedly, by the way - but the sight of Miguel Angel Lotina in tears on the bench shows that it was a very bad night indeed for his team.

It was the night Depor lost their brilliant Brazilian left-back Felipe for the season after he snapped his ankle when going in for his side’s opening effort and having the blameless Gorka land on top of his exposed leg.

“I would rather have just 20 points and Felipe fit,” admitted the emotional Deportivo boss after the 3-1 victory that leaves his side in fifth.

Atlético Madrid

Not so much a bad day for Atlético but a fairly ordinary one for the Rojiblancos after their latest balls-up.

“A horrible Atleti,” note Sport, attacking the side for lacking “a soul and football” in the defeat to Getafe.

“Atlético are back to insulting their fans,” says F Javier Díaz in AS in response to the team’s first defeat in the Coliseum with his colleague Iñako Díaz-Guerra noting that “the only other team in Madrid with serious options of making into Europe this year are Getafe.”

Zaragoza

La Liga Loca has always been a little slow off the mark in pretty much all aspects of its life.

This explains why the blog is only now starting to grasp the notion that Zaragoza may well be going back down to the second division after Sunday’s 11th defeat of the season.

Espanyol

Missed chances, a controversial penalty, and only a point at home against Mallorca.

A knee-knacked Paul from Barcelona can merely mutter about “being stitched up Xavi-style” at Sunday’s encounter in El Prat Cornella.

Get well soon! And the same for your team, too.

Valladolid

Once again, Valladolid’s crazy offside-trap-on-the-halfway-line scheme fails to live up to the coach’s expectations.

Xerez

New manager. New perm. New defeat.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

The Pin-Stabbing Weekend Predictions - Round 19

Tim Stannard — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 12:00:00 GMT

Saturday

Sevilla (6th) vs Almería (15th)

With four straight defeats and just one win in seven in la Liga, Sevilla suck royally at the moment.

Perhaps the only thing keeping coach Manolo Jiménez in his job is the side’s half-decent Copa del Rey form and the intense media interest in club president José Maria del Nido’s ‘lucky’ hat he now wears for all of his side’s encounters in the competition.

At least it gives them an extra reason to avoid other pertinent topics such as whether del Nido’s impending corruption trial will have a negative impact on his ability to run Sevilla.

Sevilla crushed Deportivo 3-0 in la Riazor on Tuesday night in their first leg quarter-final clash - a result that doesn’t so much put the 6th placed-side in the driving seat for the tie but enables them to lounge about in the back and steer with their feet.

The result also continues La Liga Loca’s fine tipping prowess in the cup this season.

The predicted winners in the tournament so far as the rounds have gone by have been Real Madrid, Villarreal and Deportivo.

It is Getafe, next. Sorry Getafe.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Valladolid (17th) vs Barcelona (1st)

Not even Barça-barmy Mundo Deportivo could fake a happy-clappy response to Pep Guardiola announcing that he had agreed to stay on as coach at the Camp Nou for another season.

“Guardiola breaks under the pressure” said the paper’s editorial at the news that Pep had finally given in to Joan Laporta's constant grovels and pleas to hang about for another campaign.

With a face resembling someone who had just been told they had picked up something nasty downstairs, the Barcelona manager revealed that he had been given his motivation not from the thought of another year at the helm of the smuggest club in the world but that he had to “end all the speculation as it was getting intolerable.”

With Pep refusing to officially sign his deal until the new Barça president is known, the Dream Boys' boss has left himself plenty of wiggle-room to change his mind or repeat the whole tedious speculation process in 12 months before moving to Manchester United.

“I feel that the coach of Barcelona has to have short contracts,” noted Pep as way of explanation.

His enthusiasm spilled over into Thursday’s training session with his response to his clapping players.

“Less applause and more running, I’ve not signed anything,” was how Marca reported Pep’s greeting to the squad’s warm hand on his entrance.

Still, the King of Catalunya doesn’t seem to mind with his constant nagging having prevailed and the club having won their eighth trophy in a row.

“The 2-6 [over Real Madrid] was the seventh,” explained Laporta in case anyone was confused.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Deportivo (5th) vs Athletic Bilbao (7th)

It wasn’t an easy business at all making an accurate voodoo representation of an entire football stadium along with its players, coaches, kit-men and cleaning staff but the process was well worth the effort.

La Liga Loca finally completed its stunning example of black magic at its finest at the end of November and since that point (and an awful lot of frantic pin jabbing) horrible Deportivo have been in shocking form having achieved just one victory in six in la Liga with three lonely, pathetic goals.

Feeling enthused, the blog will now be taking orders from readers for new footballing voodoo targets for a large, but excellent value fee.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Sunday

Tenerife (18th) vs Valencia (3rd)

With press attention momentarily sated by Pep Guardiola’s non-signing of his non-contract, the glare of the spotlight now turns to Valencia where Unai Emery will be young, free and single come June.

That’s unless his bosses dig around the back of the club sofa and find some money to reward a young whippersnapper who has ignored the countless changes in presidents and sporting directors, avoided the usual inter-squad bickering, got Miguel to turn up for training from time to time and looks like leading the team back into the Champions League.

What’s more, Emery has even got the backing of the notoriously grumpy old goat David Albeda, a true miracle in these bleak times, indeed.

“Whoever is in charge of renewing him shouldn’t just look at whether we are in the Champions League or not, but should believe in the work he is doing,” opined the midfielder.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Sporting (9th) vs Racing (13th)

Pity poor Michu. The midfielder began January stuck at going-nowhere-at-the-speed-of-Arizmendi Celta Vigo and he looks like ending the month that way.

But Michu was so, so close to a move to the bright lights of Sporting who offered the lanky one a deal.

Unfortunately, Michu was born and raised in the ranks of local rivals Oviedo, meaning that the footballer was under a certain amount of ‘pressure’ - the threatening nature of which is disputed - from the supporters of his old club not to make the move.

“It was a decision that I was not 100 percent convinced by,” said Michu after the collapse of the transfer.

“Loyalty doesn’t have a price, Michu. Thank you” read a banner from Oviedo supporters last weekend that ‘congratulated’ the player on his stance.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Villarreal (10th) vs Zaragoza (19th)

The normally sturdy patience of Villarreal president Fernando Roig shattered into a billion pieces like a bar stool supporting Maniche this week.

Roig has been dismayed by Villarreal’s awful form in both la Liga and the cup exit to Celta Vigo and was reported in Marca to have told his players that “they have got to change their attitude” after three league matches without a win.

Meanwhile, Robert Pires has been having a bit of moan about his lack of action in la Liga this season.

The 47-year-old Frenchman did not start the last clash against Valencia and complained that “the coach isn’t picking me and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Apart from whine, perhaps?

LLL Prediction - Home win

Xerez (20th) vs Osasuna (12th)

The blog had a rare spring in its step this week, as perhaps the finest mullet seen in la Liga in a good 10 years joined the Primera party.

The ‘ice-hockey hair’ - as it is known in Sweden - hero is new Xerez boss Nestor Gorosito, the former River Plate manager that our man behind enemy lines, Argie Bargy, notes was less than successful at his former club.

"Whadda you mean 'Is it real'?"

The manager is joining the incredibly doomed club until the end of the season but is having his wages paid directly by Xerez’s new owners, with a judge in charge of the institution’s administration process ruling that Xerez themselves cannot afford his rather generous €575,000 salary.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Espanyol (14th) vs Mallorca (4th)

There’s been a whiff of scandal in the air in Prat-land with chain-smoking club president Dániel Sánchez-Llibre facing accusations of naughtiness from newspaper El Publico over invoicing and commission ‘discrepancies’ from the transfer of Sergio to Deportivo in 2001.

The Espanyol president reportedly... (LLL checks his copy of UK Libel Law for Dummies - can’t say that, or that. Definitely not that. Oh dear).

Struggling Espanyol are looking to pick up three much-needed points against high flying Mallorca in a clash that.....

LLL Prediction - Home win

Getafe (8th) vs Atlético (11th)

At about 11.52 last night, La Liga Loca jabbed at its stopwatch. The latest Atlético Madrid revival had lasted approximately a week-and-a-half.

The Rojiblancos were facing second division side Celta Vigo in the first leg of their Cup clash in the Vicente Calderón and were blooming lucky to get away with 1-1 draw against their teeny, tiny opponents.

“They miraculously got a draw they didn’t deserve,” sniffed El País with Marca noting that Celta “handed a lesson to an Atlético who just don’t learn.”

Quique Sánchez-Flores was back adopting his familiar defensive position complaining that “it was a crazy game, I didn’t like anything about it... there was mistakes of every kind.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Madrid (2nd) vs Málaga (16th)

For those wondering how much it would cost to get Guti and his buddies to turn up and potter about on your local pitch for 90 minutes, the answer is about €2.5 million.

That’s what Albanian oil tycoon Rezart Taçi reportedly forked out for Madrid to play local giants Gramozi Erseke in the Taçi Oil Cup in Tirana on Wednesday night.

Naturally, construction company owner Florentino Pérez accompanied the party to a nation looking to rebuild its crumbling infrastructure, with Marca reporting in glowing terms that Madrid’s president “is also an idol in Albania.”

However the 'fly in, pick up the bags of cash, befriend the ‘translator’ ladies, thrash the hapless locals and fly out' again plan didn’t quite work with the half-time period at the encounter lasting nearly two hours after a power cut.

When the-delighted-to-be-there players did reappear for the second half, they grabbed the second goal of the night - after conceding in the first minute - to stuff Gramozi 2-1.

“It was a match we had to play and we did it,” said an enthusiastic Lassana Diarra the morning after the night before.

Although it was not the best of evenings for Madrid’s players, it was a great one for the journalists as all returned safely to Spain from a country that can be rather hostile for their more local colleagues.

Especially those reporting on stories about the oil industry.

LLL Prediction - Home win

---

You can join LLL live at the Bernabeu from 20.45 CET on Sunday and see if Kaka and Benzema can perform miracles...by actually scoring goals. And not against Albanian sides, either.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

Bluster, boasts and baloney in la Liga

Tim Stannard — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 16:00:00 GMT

The footie agenda in Spain for this week is supposedly dominated by the increasingly curious Copa del Rey and its quarter-final stages.

But as neither Real Madrid nor Barcelona are playing any part in it any more, there is little or no interest in the wider media in what is now considered a tinpot competition several rungs beneath the Zenith Data Systems trophy.

And this has the papers affiliated to the two teams with some thumb-twiddling time on their hands and five or so front pages to fill.

So it’s no surprise that the agendas of the Big Four have been tedious, tiresome and ludicrous in the extreme.

Over in Catalunya, the common themes in BarçaWorld have been Sport noting on their front page that Leo Messi has scored more goals than Cristiano Ronaldo in 2010 - an awful lot of research going into that news story - and the impending departure (or not) of Pep Guardiola.

Wednesday’s Mundo Deportivo desperately screams “Stay!!!” at the Barcelona coach as its headline whilst rolling around the floor in tears in the manner of Maniche after a pizza delivery.

However, there was brighter news for the poor dearies with news from Wednesday afternoon that Pep would be hanging on for another year with the Dream Boys, but that he won’t be putting pen to paper until the new president takes over, leaving him plenty of time to change his increasingly frazzled mind.

NEWS, Wed Jan 20: Guardiola agrees Barcelona extension

“He’s not signing for any incoming president,” writes an admiring Miguel Rico, “he’s signing for and with Barcelona.”

"Taxi!"

Over in Capital City, AS began the week very badly indeed but seem to have taken this as a challenge to get even worse.

Monday’s lead story claimed that Guti will be starting Sunday’s clash against Málaga with no evidence whatsoever to back their claim up aside from the contention that “Madrid don’t have a better solution than Guti.”

And La Liga Loca suspects that AS could well be right if Manuel Pellegrini is on the hunt for a bone-idle, prancing, bottling, utter ninny of a midfielder for the weekend’s encounter and Fernando Gago happens to be unavailable.

The sports daily upped their game in the desperation stakes on Wednesday with an interview taken from Champions magazine (also available in all good newsagents. Along with FourFourTwo) with Cesc Fabregas that gives no indication whatsoever that the midfielder intends joining Real Madrid.

But this has not prevented AS from claiming that “Cesc opens the door.”

BLOG, Wed Jan 20: Herrera's creative engine room: God, Freud & Yoga

Still, the paper is at least attempting a half-hearted stab at a news story - all be it in the manner of a five-year-old shovelling a sprout around their plate - and that’s a darn sight more than Marca are doing this week.

The local rag has taken advantage of the lull in activity with daily blasts of propaganda poo-poo on how great Florentino Pérez is.

Monday through to Wednesday’s editions have been dominated by the results of a poll ordered by the paper where 800 Real Madrid members had to put down their What Range Rover? catalogues for a few moments to answer a series of questions as to whether the club president could be considered "god-like" or merely "brilliant."

And the main staggering news from the survey is that everyone thinks that the Florentino is really, really, really, really great. In fact, 87.5 percent would vote for him if a new election were to be held today.

"The other 12.5 percent said what? Exterminate them."

La Liga Loca suggests that this is because no other candidates would be able to afford to stand in it, nor have they got Marca constantly claiming that the sun shines out of their trapdoor.

However, the paper’s editorial on Tuesday smirks that the result is “a clear signal that things are going well... the president has fulfilled his duties in an outstanding manner.”

Wednesday’s front story is the stunning fact that 96 percent of those Madridistas polled think that paying €96 million for Cristiano Ronaldo was well worth the money.

No results on the Kaká question, mind, as far as La Liga Loca could see.

But then again, that would actually be something worth reading.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

What's the worst ground in la Liga?

Tim Stannard — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 11:00:00 GMT

Like many of the old boots that turn up on Spain’s ever-popular gossip programmes boasting of a night of passion with a bullfighter or Sergio Ramos (or both), a large chunk of la Liga’s grounds are either in need of an extensive facelift or are saving up for one.

Both Real Madrid and Barcelona are looking at tarting up their homes, whilst Atlético Madrid and Athletic Bilbao have bold plans for new stadiums that they hope to move to any time between 2013 and 3160.

However, an awful lot depends on how long it takes for the institutions to both raise the capital and - most importantly of all in Spain - make sure that the right cash-stuffed envelope reaches the right planning official at the local council.

Espanyol recently moved from the stray cat-invested Montjuic into their Cornella ground but are still just as useless, whereas Valencia currently have two homes - the Old Mestalla, which they are desperate to flog, and the New Mestalla whose construction has ground to a halt due to a lack of funds.

Hammers (and all tools) down at the New Mestalla

So the blog thought it was high time to start the hunt for la Liga’s worst stadium whilst many of the decrepit old wrecks are still with us.

And in doing so, La Liga Loca has been far and wide and canvassed opinions of those whose travels around the country have brought them into contact with the most unsympathetic supporters in the scabbiest of stands.

The results have thrown up nominations from all over Spain, making it a fierce competition for this most coveted of awards.

Atlético Madrid’s beloved home was the choice of one lady touchline correspondent who fondly remembers fans yelling “wh*re! wh*re! wh*re!” at her throughout one encounter.

It was a delightful experience that certainly rivalled a trip to Betis, where the charming fans are “always battered” and once spat on her head.

Up north, the considerably more cultured supporters of Osasuna opted instead for lobbing a sandwich at her bonce.

Betis’ name comes up again from another grumbler who recalls the lovely locals “pouring beer on my head from 30 feet,” whilst the Vicente Calderón gets a second nomination with the not unreasonable claim that it is “wide open, cold and populated by clowns who make a virtue of their own ignorance.”

Oh dear.

A little further to the south of the Rojiblanco lair, Getafe’s Coliseum gets a pummelling with one comment that fans will only enjoy their visit there if they happen to like “huge, grim empty spaces.”

Oop north, Athletic’s San Mamés receives nominations for being “hostile," "uncomfortable” and “bleak."

Valladolid’s ground is “as cold as f**k” with another recollection seconding this stance by describing the José Zorrilla as being “the coldest I’ve ever been in a stadium” whilst Real Sociedad’s home supposedly has a “pretty c**p atmosphere."

Zorilla: Colder than Oldham

Murcia’s fairly new home has very little love, as it seems to be located “in the a**e end of nowhere” where “you can forget about getting out of the car park until 2am.”

A slightly more positive description given to the blog reports that it is “a lovely ground, but smells of s**t from the surrounding fertiliser, has a 30,000 capacity and one access road – which is shared by a cinema complex and shopping centre.”

Almería’s ground is said to be a “soulless, running track-possessing, out of town hellhole.”

One of the lucky few to have made the trip there described it simply as “a wasted experience.”

Mallorca’s Ono Estadi also appears on the list of shame due to its out-of-town location and complete lack of atmosphere, although the latter is something that both Real Madrid and Barcelona can boast.

But La Liga Loca suspects that these rants are just the tip of the iceberg of loathing and is looking for yet more nominations from you the viewer for the worst ground in la Liga.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

La Liga Loca's Good Day, Bad Day - Round 18

Tim Stannard — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 15:00:00 GMT

Good Day

Mallorca

Wham, bam, thank you Mam!

Six second-half minutes was all it took for Mallorca to bang in a couple of goals against Deportivo and make it a ludicrously exceptional nine home wins from nine for the Balearic club.

The reason for Mallorca’s complete disinterest in last Sunday’s Bernabeu clash against Real Madrid has now become evident, with Gregorio Manzano revealing during the week that the visit of Deportivo was the really big focus for his team in a match that the manager said would be their toughest test so far this season.

And it was a big teacher’s pet A+ from Manzano’s men in a devastatingly efficient 2-0 win that the manager hailed as “their best game” of the season.

Their 33 points so far is Mallorca's best haul by this stage of the season since Hector Cuper’s 1998/99 side, which eventually finished third.

La Liga Loca doubts that this feat will be repeated this year, but the campaign for Mallorca has still been blooming impressive, nonetheless.

Leo Messi

In Marca’s Top Ten of the weekend, Leo Messi is still behind Sergio Canales (might play for Real Madrid) and Gorka Iraizoz (stopped Real Madrid from winning, therefore must be good).

But the Argentinian scored a lovely couple of goals that showed him doing his thing - incredible control in spaces tighter than Maniche’s pants.

Barcelona only really got going in the second half, with Pep Guardiola admitting that the news of Real Madrid’s defeat made his side a little nervous, but Sevilla were never, ever at the races in the 4-0 defeat.

The good side of Barcelona moving five points clear at the top of the table is that it will annoy the heck out of the Madridista press.

But the very, very bad side that has the blog desperately hoping for a Valladolid victory over Pep’s Dream Boys next weekend is the onset of a new wave of sickly drooling from the Catalan papers - drooling that has already begun with Sport writing that Barça are maintaining their “hegemony as the best team in the world.”

Bucket, please.

Gorka Iraizoz

The Athletic Bilbao keeper now sneaks into sixth place in the blog’s list of “Spanish goalkeepers that would probably be ahead of David James if they were English” – the other five being Iker Casillas, Pepe Reina, Diego López, Andrés Palop and Víctor Valdés.

A cracking performance from the Basque battler saw some amazing saves against Karim Benzema and Cristiano Ronaldo, although not from Kaká as far as the blog can remember, with Gorka realising that standing completely still is these days the only necessary tactic against the Brazilian in front of goal.

Athletic were superbly physical all over the pitch and worked their separatist socks off in a victory that could easily have been a defeat had Gorka not been in such fine form.

Sergio Canales

It looks set to be another week of press mayhem for the Racing striker after he accidentally scored another cracking goal - this time a looped chip-thing against Valladolid.

Not enough to bring about a win for his side, mind.

Valencia’s ‘Little Men’

Marca’s words, not La Liga Loca’s, in praise of Ever Banega, David Villa and David Silva who all contributed efforts in Valencia’s 4-1 win over Villarreal on Sunday night.

Banega's effort was especially impressive with the Argentinian midfielder unleashing an unstoppable effort which saw a flash of white leaving poor Diego López in a very sticky situation indeed.

Atlético Madrid

Are we now seeing Atleti in its purest form?

A side that plays lovely attacking football using the talents of Kun Agüero and Diego Forlán to the full but remains brilliantly inept at the back?

The 3-2 win over Sporting and, to an extent, the cup victory over Recreativo would certainly suggest so.

The Rojiblancos were 1-0 up on Saturday before Sergio Asenjo clattered Diego Castro for no good reason other than the desire to liven the spectacle up a tad.

The subsequent penalty saw Sporting pull the game back to 1-1.

At 3-1 up, Atlético went for the same trick by allowing Sporting the simplest of strikes in the 91st minute to leave the home team with a very nervy end to the game indeed.

If this is the way forward then all hail the New Atlético Madrid, says La Liga Loca.

Osasuna

Although they may have been helped a tad by the referee cunningly sending off the wrong Espanyol player, the damage was already done for the opposition with Osasuna taking a 2-0 lead in the opening eight minutes to ensure a tedious and occasionally violent slog for the remaining 82 of the game.

Henok Goitom

The returning-from-injury Almería striker may have grabbed a point for his side with an equaliser against Tenerife, but the he's still unable to prevent the Spanish sports media from gawking at Goitom in amazement over the fact that he can be Swedish without being blond and blue-eyed.

“Henok Goitom is a footballer of contrasts. He’s Swedish (yes Swedish) although we could deduce something different from the dark colour of his skin,” marvelled a stunned AS last weekend.

This time around, it was the turn of Gol TV with the commentator chuckling that “you didn’t mishear me!” when he gave Goitum’s nationality.

Xerez

A point! Whilst down to 10 men, too!

Bad Day

Real Madrid

“Benzema, Ronaldo and Kaká have never lost a game they started together!” boasted Saturday’s Marca, adding shyly that the total of these stunning triumphs is three - including one against flippin’ Xerez.

The match for Madrid was supposed to be a thrashing for their Basque opponents, with seven out of eight of Florentino Pérez’ new arrivals starting the encounter.

Instead, it was a defeat – although not as “impotent” as the Madridista press are currently claiming.

This particular fixture was won 5-2 at a canter last season.

Saturday’s absentees included Pepe, Gonzalo Higuaín, Ruud van Nistelrooy and Rafael van der Vaart and had a Lassana Diarra struggling throughout the game with a muscle injury - all players signed under the Dark Master, Pedja Mijatovic.

And this has got the blog a-thinkin' that Real Madrid are currently suffering from “Pedja-dependency.”

However, it doesn’t expect an editorial from Marca on the topic any time soon.

Zaragoza’s strikers

Jermaine Pennant had a superb half-hour cameo for Zaragoza on Sunday evening against Xerez, whacking in three delightful, should-have-been-buried crosses for his forwards.

Unfortunately they fell for Arizmendi and most criminally of all, Jorge López, who blasted a late effort over the bar from two metres like a big tw*t - if you pardon the brusqueness of the blog’s criticism - leaving Zaragoza with a goalless draw against the bottom of the table side.

Villarreal

Although there was wonderfully suicidal defending on display from Villarreal for much of the game, the visitors to Mestalla were a little hard done by on Sunday night, when Kiko saw red for a ‘challenge’ on David Villa that saw a successfully converted penalty and a 2-0 lead for Valencia after 27 minutes.

From what the blog saw, the defender cut across Villa whilst in pursuit of the forward without touching the striker, only for Villa to tumble to the ground.

Even if there had been a brush of contact, it took place outside of the box. A bad decision all round.

But this doesn’t excuse what was yet another dreadfully poor performance from Villarreal, their third in a week.

Manolo Jiménez

La Liga Loca recommends a Spanish CSI team is sent to the Sevilla manager’s house forthwith, as it has no idea what could be hidden in Jiménez’ hash browns.

But it can’t be good.

The starting line-up that the Sevilla boss selected to face Barcelona was absolutely baffling.

Yes, the previous lot hadn't exactly been much good of late, and yes a change of players may have worked.

But Jesus Navas in central midfield with Valiente, Stankevicius and José Carlos? Koné up front on his own?

Negredo and Renato on the bench for the whole game? Really?

The Water Boy

The film that La Liga Loca was flicking over to during the Osasuna vs Espanyol clash and one that left the blog wondering how the heckety heck it ever got made.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

The Breezy Weekend Predictions - Round 18

Tim Stannard — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 14:00:00 GMT

Saturday

Osasuna (14th) vs Espanyol (13th)

And it’s straight to News from Sweden courtesy of thelocal.se with a truly intriguing tale of what would constitute a relatively normal night out for La Liga Loca.

“An artist from southern Sweden has been charged with assault for spray-painting four women while in a drunken stupor.

"The 35-year-old artist told investigators that he was too drunk to remember the incident, which took place in nearby Lund in November of last year, the Metro newspaper reports.

"The artist explained that he first consumed nine strong beers before heading out to purchase a can of spray paint.

"But before he could make it home to commence on a fresh artistic endeavour, the drunken artist began spraying passers-by with the newly purchased paint.”

LLL Prediction - Draw

Athletic Bilbao (8th) vs Real Madrid (2nd)

Guti was back in business this week, in every one of the multiple dimensions the footballer inhabits.

In the Santiago Bernabeu against Mallorca, the madcap midfielder played a cameo role in the type of game he loves most of all - Madrid winning easily, under no pressure and facing a dispirited opposition without the energy to boot up him up the ar*e, like Osasuna love to do.

Three days later and he was participating in his second-favourite hobby.

Actually, it’s his sixth, but the blog probably can’t drive its gossip golf kart up that alley, as it were.

Guti was facing a press pack who had almost certainly decided to wind him up royally before he trundled onto the conference rostrum at Madrid’s training ground.

However, the footballer was more than up to the challenge.

“Guti! Did you ever thinking about leaving over the past two months?” asked the man from Marca.

“Did you ever think about leaving your job over the past two months?” was Guti’s response - to which the hack replied: “No, but I didn’t have any offers."

“Well, that’s your answer,” said Guti, looking very pleased indeed with himself, before denying that he fakes injuries, confirming that he sleeps just fine and insisting that he did have a very nasty bruise that kept him out for three months - all while grinning like a loon and claiming that he couldn’t be happier with his life in a “hey, I’m breezy” not-very-breezy manner.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Barcelona (1st) vs Sevilla (5th)

Barcelona’s midweek exit from the Copa del Rey has annoyed the heck out of the Madridista press.

Just one narky, sarky comment from the likes of Marca in response to the upset would simply be met with a cry of “Alcorcón!” or “How many trophies?” from the opposition.

So there has been a lot of sitting on hands by journalists in the Spanish capital.

Although Pep seems desperately miffed that his Dream Boys are out of the competition despite a plucky, Palop-ruined performance against Sevilla, the blog is siding with the Catalan papers who see a win-win situation from Wednesday’s shenanigans.

Barça have freed themselves from a possible four big games in fairly quick succession before a final in May and the players still came away from the Sánchez Pizjuán with a victory.

“There are still five trophies left,” blasted Sport’s headline on Wednesday with both themselves and Mundo Deportivo filling their pages with backslapping, supportive columns saying how proud they are of their players.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sunday

Málaga (18th) vs Getafe (7th)

One of the many things that gets Angel Torres’ Getafe goat is that very few people come and watch his side’s games.

What’s more, those who do tend to moan and groan about why the team aren't beating Barcelona 5-0.

The other gripe of the Getafe president is that there hasn't been a single youth-team product in the first-team line-up since the side has been in the top flight.

Well, that changed on Wednesday night when striker Adrián Sardinero took part in Getafe’s 5-1 cup win over Málaga – the team the Coliseum club face on Sunday afternoon.

“He’s got a big future with us,” beamed manager Michel.

Unfortunately, Torres wouldn’t have been a completely happy shopper on Wednesday, as only about 18 people bothered to turn up to watch the encounter.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Racing (12th) vs Valladolid (16th)

Although he'll be probably be rolling in loot for the next few years, Sergio Canales may well be regretting scoring his brilliant brace against Sevilla last weekend.

The shy and retiring 18-year-old Racing striker is now the focus of football attention and the hottest of stuff in the Spanish press, which likes nothing more than a flavour-of-the-month, build-em-up, knock-em-down story to pass the time not being spent writing about how great Florentino Pérez is.

Both Marca and AS report that negotiations are ongoing between Real Madrid and Canales’ father and agent for the chance for Sergio to move to the Bernabeu and play six minutes every 10 games or so before being shipped off to Getafe as a washed-up waster some two seasons later.

But the youngster is also the victim of a tug-of-love from Premier League teams, where a promising footballer who will be free in June is interesting many of the more destitute clubs, like Manchester United.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Almería (15th) vs Tenerife (17th)

Down in the second division - where Tenerife will probably return in May - there has been quite a lot of hullabaloo about Betis. As always.

Another series of poor results has seen manager Antonio Tapía under a fair amount of pressure and there have been one or two stories floating about in the press this week that Juande Ramos has been approached by Betis as his possible replacement.

However, Ramos has used his own website to deny any contact between himself or his agent and Betis, despite the rumblings to the contrary in Andalusia – rumblings that would make the coach even more popular with fans of Sevilla, having walked out on them to join Spurs.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Zaragoza (19th) vs Xerez (20th)

Since the appointment of the new Zaragoza manager in December, the club’s players have shown very little Gay pride in either themselves or their performances by losing two and drawing the third of the three games under his tenure.

However, José Aurelio has decided to shake things up bit, this week, by adding Chile international Humberto “I’m not a saviour” Suazo to the squad and Jirí “I had nothing better to do” Jarosik, who is taking a break from his other career as an American independent filmmaker.

Meanwhile, Xerez have sacked manager Cuco Ziganda to no real surprise and for no real point.

What’s more, due to their ongoing administration process, the club had to get permission from a judge to do it.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Mallorca (6th) vs Deportivo (4th)

Three words the blog thought could never be written together. Depor. Goals. Exciting.

However, Miguel Angel Lotina’s men participated fully in two cracking Copa del Rey ties against Valencia and eventually went through to the quarter finals with a 4-3 aggregate lead.

Of course, the side’s strikers didn't want to sully themselves with the business of scoring, so it was up to the rest of the squad to make their manager a very happy man. Sort of.

“I was thrilled by the way we got through,” confessed the normally thrill-free Lotina after a game where Depor had to come back from 2-0 down to draw 2-2 in La Ríazor.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Atlético Madrid (11th) vs Sporting (9th)

After Atlético beat Recreativo, a side in the bottom half of the second division, in the cup on Thursday night, the Madrid papers are once again running straight into a brick wall of doom by hailing the re-re-re-re-rebirth of Atlético Madrid.

La Liga Loca still sees them as a dazed zombie, stumbling around and posing a marginal threat to those caught off-guard and lacking that killer blow to the head with a baseball bat to finish them off - a blow that Sporting will be delivering on Sunday.

After all, as Quique Sánchez Flores pointed out after the dramatic 5-1 win, “we can’t be too confident because we are our own worst enemy.”

LLL Prediction - Away win

Valencia (3rd) vs Villarreal (10th)

After their embarrassing cup exit to Celta Vigo, Villarreal have been taking it on the chin like Ever Banega misjudging his angles.

Going into the home tie at 1-1, Villarreal contrived to get themselves knocked out in a 1-0 defeat, albeit to a penalty from a non-foul that took place outside the box in second-half injury time.

The concern now is that this result, combined with last Saturday’s limp draw against Almería, will see Villarreal returning to their early-season ways when they badly struggled for form.

“We can either bounce back, be consistent or we will see the ghosts of the beginning of the season again,” warned goalkeeper Diego López.

LLL Prediction - Draw

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

Will Maxi be born again at Anfield?

Tim Stannard — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 10:00:00 GMT

For the past couple of days the blog has been doing tours of the block wracking its tiny brains trying to think of something meaningful that Maxi Rodríguez has contributed to the Atlético Madrid cause in recent seasons.

It came up with diddly-poo.

NEWS: Maxi Rodriguez completes move to Liverpool

But, to be fair, the blog had the same result when trying to think of anything that any player has contributed to the Atlético Madrid cause in the same period.

In La Liga Loca's world, Maxi was Magic Eye.

Not for any supernatural ocular abilities, but because he was akin to those 3D pictures where people would repeatedly lie to the blog claiming that if it squinted hard enough, it would see the image of a giant space squid attacking Frank Bough.

For years, La Liga Loca has sat in the Vicente Calderón among people pointing at the Rojiblanco midfielder whilst gushing and gooing over the player’s supposed sublime skills.

But the blog could never see their side of the story.

Instead, what it saw was a footballer who had flashes of inspiration once in a blue moon and was ill-suited to his right-wing berth due to a lack of panache and crossing abilities.

“Like Craig Bellamy, without the pace and completely one-footed,” was the description of one long-standing Atleti fan to the blog on Maxi’s footballing attributes.

Maxi's Madrid medical

However, this is not to say that La Liga Loca has not been completely wrong in its assessment of the Liverpool-bound Argentinian.

One of the biggest reasons to drop into the blog’s world from time to time is to read how spectacularly misguided it can be on a whole range of topics.

Highlights of past seasons include forthright opinions on Pep Guardiola - “too inexperienced”, Alexander Hleb - “a great asset” and Gonzalo Higuaín - “a bottler."

Then there are more up-to-date prediction calamities: Mallorca - “relegation certainties”, Zaragoza - “a European berth beckons!”, Cristiano Ronaldo - “will dive more than Jacques Cousteau."

Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Nevertheless, cold hard facts back up the blog’s indifference to all things Maxi, to some extent.

In the past two seasons, the Argentinian has contributed just 14 league goals in 68 matches.

In the current campaign that total is even poorer with two goals in 14 games, his last appearance coming the 1-1 draw against Tenerife before the Christmas break.

The subsequent transfer talk has seen Maxi missing out on a farewell appearance for Atleti in 2010.

Celebrating a wonder-goal at Germany 2006 - watch it here

But the issue for Maxi in recent seasons hasn't been the lack of goals as much as the complete lethargy of many of his performances.

AS argue that he simply hasn’t been the same player since his knee-ligament injury picked up in a friendly against Spain on a horrible pitch in Murcia in October 2006.

However, it is Maxi’s sulky, stroppy attitude that the blog feels has been the biggest problem with the midfielder.

Last summer it led to him being stripped of the club captaincy after falling out with the various managers of the side and even throwing his armband to the ground after a substitution.

With just six months left on Maxi’s contract, Atlético Madrid have taken the wise decision to part company while there is still money to be made from a player who has been at the Vicente Calderón since 2004.

"I like these colours"

Maxi will have the chance to kick-start a desperately flagging career at Anfield where he will be bumping into a friendly face in the form of Fernando Torres, a player he got on well with during their time together in the Spanish capital.

Having been mentally and physically worn down by the endless trials and tribulations at Atlético, Maxi now has the chance for a fresh start in England in a league where he possesses the technically abilities to quickly adapt and indeed flourish.

It just remains to be seen whether Maxi still has the will to begin all over again.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

The La Liga team of the decade

Tim Stannard — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 14:00:00 GMT

“Clatter, clatter, clatter, bang!” went La Liga Loca’s smoking telex machine with a missive from the FFT ogres demanding a best XI of the past decade in Spanish football.

“Get lost. Impossible,” was the eventual response from the blog after long consideration over the potential hassle and inevitable insults involved.

Fourteen increasingly threatening messages later, La Liga Loca has given in to the demands of The Man and has - like most of the blog’s lady friends, of late - been around the block to come up with a (and by no means the) tasty XI.

But before the envelope of glory is opened, there are some caveats to go through first.

Despite their obvious claims, Pablo Ibañez, Maxi López and Pablo García did not make the final cut.

Like Deportivo-watchers, no complaints over these omissions will be entertained.

Ibanez, Lopez, Garcia: "Your loss, amigo"

Being quite good for a longer period of time has handed a disadvantage to some 'cuspers' like Leo Messi and Andrés Iniesta.

Plain old prejudice has worked against some fine players perhaps deserving a spot in the starting XI.

Luis Figo was clearly an outstanding player according to some, but La Liga Loca feels that he spent far too much time on his backside complaining to referees about supposed fouls.

The blog has gone for an unworkable 4-3-3 formation as two of the forward line are not exactly famous for their love of tackling back.

Most matches would probably be lost 6-5.

Goalkeeper: Iker Casillas

Forced his wee, young way into the Real Madrid side at the beginning of the decade and is still there now.

Saint Iker continues to get better but more importantly cooler by the year, whether he is preventing 8-0 routs against Liverpool, flogging insurance, or simply annoying the heck out of Florentino Pérez with his rather natty beard.

Right-back: Dani Alves

Arrived in Sevilla from Bahía in the winter window of 2002 and has been nothing less than a genius ever since (aside from his settling-down years).

The Brazilian is almost indestructible, totally indeftigable and one of the main reasons why Sevilla were arguably the best side in Europe for a season.

Centre-back: Fernando Hierro

The position that led La Liga Loca to the most Jimmy Hill chin-stroking and pensive mumbling during discussions with third parties was the centre-back role, with few truly outstanding candidates floating around.

Although Hierro was at the tail end of his Real Madrid career by the start of the decade, he still picked up two Champions League wins and a couple of la Liga titles before being kicked out of the club.

Could defend, pass and was an extraordinarily prolific goalscorer to boot.

Centre-back: Carles Puyol

Still not everyone’s cup of tea, and the object of name-calling like "caveman," "thuggish" and “poor man’s Brian May.”

But the poodle-haired Puyol has been an ever present throughout the decade for Barcelona and showed in the recent clash against Real Madrid that he still has that Bam-Bam magic and pace to save his side.

Left-back: Roberto Carlos

Who else? There will never be a player of his kind again.

Had the speed and stamina to launch attacks at one end and be back at the other seconds later with a sliding tackle that would send both ball and winger into the stands.

However, the Brazilian’s free-kicks tended to trouble footballer’s goolies (or spectators' faces) more than the goal.

Alves, Hierro, Puyol, Carlos: Intelligence and energy

Midfield: David Albelda

Cantankerous, grumpy, sulky, oblivious to the concept of team spirit despite being Valencia captain for much of the decade and once took his own bosses to court.

But also a superb defensive midfielder back in the day and a player who played a huge role in the Mestalla men’s glory years of two league titles and a UEFA Cup win.

Midfield: Xavi Hernández

To keep the midfield ticking over, the player that Sir Alex Ferguson reckons has never given a ball away in his life.

Although the Barça-bred footballer has only just started to be widely recognised for his talents, Xavi has been beavering away in the Camp Nou midfield for 12 seasons, picking up two Champions League and four la Liga titles on the way.

Midfield: Zinedine Zidane

Possibly getting a starting role in the blog’s XI through whimsy rather than winning performances.

Had the astonishing ability to run - or rather trundle, such was the Frenchman’s curious style - with the ball without looking at it.

And for a blog that had arrived in Spain after a life watching old Division One football, that was some kind of miracle.

Albelda, Xavi, Zidane: Crunch and creativity

Forward: Ronaldinho

The Brazilian gets 50.0000001 percent of the vote over little Leo Messi for this particular position, simply because he would make passes using his back and score goals against Chelsea whilst standing still.

Dinho’s five-season spell at the Camp Nou may not have ended well, but it was truly magical at times.

Forward: The Real Ronaldo

In his worst days, the Brazilian was tubby, injury-prone, overly fond of a drink and a disco, and more than a little lazy.

But the striker was still the best in the business by a long way.

Ronaldo’s spell at the Bernabeu club coincided with the side’s Galactico slump but O Fenomeno still banged in 83 goals in 127 games for the club.

Forward: Raúl

Before you even think about penning a stern missive on El Sulko’s inclusion, here’s one or two facts and figures around Raúl’s decade between 1999/2000 and 2008/09.

Two Champions League titles (and that goal against Valencia in 2000). Six league titles.

Goals: 139 in the league and 53 in Europe.

And top hair action for most of those 10 years, too.

R, R & R: ¡Gols!

Substitutes: Santiago Cañizares, Roberto Ayala, Michel Salgado, Marcos Senna, Luis Figo, Samuel Eto’o, Leo Messi.

Manager: As is tradition in la Liga, a series of managers will be hired and fired every two months. These will be Rafa Benítez, Vicente del Bosque, Frank Rijkaard, Fabio Capello, Pep Guardiola and Michael Laudrup (more whimsy).

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Team of the Decade: Italy * Portugal * Australia
Spain: La Liga Loca * Statistics * News
FFT.com: Blogs * News * Interviews * Forums * Home
Follow us: Twitter * Facebook * Twitter (LaLigaLoca)

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Round 17

Tim Stannard — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 17:00:00 GMT

Good Day

Atlético Madrid

Quique Sánchez Flores’ tactic of insults, humiliation and good old-fashioned physical torment towards his players in the wake of the midweek defeat to Recreativo has proved so successful that La Liga Loca suspects that the club is considering installing a pain dungeon in the bowels of the Vicente Calderón.

Then again, after hearing some of the somewhat sticky stories from Atleti’s overseas tours in recent years, that may not be the best of ideas.

The 4-0 away win over Valladolid will no doubt delight and infuriate the Rojiblanco support as they contemplate why their players can only be bothered giving a hamster’s hat in a very select group of games.

Or perhaps the victory was down to the simple fact that Atleti “couldn’t keep on playing as badly as we were,” as Quique himself said?

José Antonio Reyes

Unbelievably, the second-half strike from Reyes against Valladolid was his first goal for Atlético in one-and-a-half seasons at the club - an event set to start off a whole new round of short-lived “Reyes is back” headlines.

To celebrate the strike, the Rojiblanco winger has decided to dedicate the goal to his son, the imaginatively named José Antonio Reyes.

Sergio Canales

“For someone who has no responsibility, he is incredibly cool-headed,” purred Racing captain Pedro Munitis on his 18-year-old striking partner.

Out of contract in June, Canales scored a wonderful brace against Sevilla on Saturday, showing incredible composure in the process to set off a Wacky Races-style chase for his signature.

Juan Manuel Lillo

The mad-as-a-bag-of-spanners Almería manager could have faced the wintry touchline conditions in El Madrigal in an overcoat or jacket.

But no, Juan Manuel Lillo enjoyed the encounter clad in jeans and a light sweater. Genius. He pulled off an unlikely 1-1 draw against Villarreal too.

Gonzalo Higuaín

Perhaps after a poke from Florentino Pérez, Marca floated the idea of a Cesc Fabregas-Higuaín swap in a poll last week.

The results showed that 88 percent of the Madridista masses thought that would be a terrible idea.

The 12 percent who disagreed need a good slap, as it was Higuaín who once again led Madrid to victory with a goal and an assist whilst Cristiano Ronaldo generally tarted about the pitch like a big, pretty pony and Kaká continued to endanger the lives of fans sitting either side of the Bernabeu goals with his abstract approach to shooting.

Bojan Krkic

Although it was Leo Messi who grabbed a hat-trick against Tenerife, the (other) pint-sized poacher was the big winner of the night with a couple of assists - and good ones, too.

Pep Guardiola isn't really an admirer of the youngster, so another poor performance could have spelled the end of days for the (other) bowl-haired striker.

Barcelona owed a great deal to Victor Valdés for their victory after the keeper prevented a first-half whitewash by a terrifically tenacious Tenerife, with Guardiola admitting that “they had three clear chances and we were in trouble.”

But some rapid fire action from Messi lead to a 5-0 scoreline and Sport smugly declaring on Monday that Barça fans are “super happy and super calm.”

Sporting

Manuel Preciado’s men are certainly a lot less entertaining than they were last year with barely a 4-3 to be seen.

The 1-0 win over Getafe in El Molinón was the fourth of the same scoreline this season, but more importantly Sporting’s first victory in five.

This Primera pragmatism should see them hanging around for another season in the top flight, which is a very good thing indeed.

Juan Rodríguez

AS call him ‘omnipresent’ and a classy, spinny strike makes the midfielder Deportivo’s leading goal-scorer.

The fact that his tally is two and the leadership is shared by eight others shouldn’t detract anything from the achievement.

Another 1-0 win from Depor moved the team into - gulp - fourth.

Espanyol

Look at that! Espanyol slay the mighty Zaragoza thanks to a goalkeeping gaffe and a deflected shot off the post.

And here’s Paul from Barcelona to tell us all about it.

“Well, that wasn't very good. Both teams struggled to maintain any kind of rhythm.

The first goal for Espanyol was a Victor Valdés-style howler which Verdú gratefully returned with interest and Zaragoza's equaliser came courtesy of blog favourite Angel Arizmendi.

Well, it didn't, really. It deflected off Moises.

The winner came thanks to the only thing Callejon did right all match when his shot was saved and the rebound fell to Marques who scored the winner.

1) Zaragoza are the worst team I've seen this season. Very poor indeed.
2) Jermaine Pennant probably wishes for a return to Notts County. Has got to be better than his current plight. He looked a bit lost and was substituted.
3) Abysmal refereeing as usual. How only one Zaragoza player got booked is beyond me. Dirty team.
4) While not quite as bad as our Beloved Leader would have us believe, Arizmendi is not very good.
5) Zaragoza's fans applauding the 21st-minute tribute to Jarque. Not just a few: by the end of the minute it was nearly all of them. Good support, they deserve better”.

Paul, Barcelona

Valencia

Although Valencia managed nothing more than what 11 other sides have achieved this season in beating Xerez, the 3-1 victory gives the Mestalla men seven away wins this season, the best record in La Primera.

Now if Unai Emery’s men hadn't been such dozy dolts in failing to win five at home, the eight-point margin that currently separates themselves from Barcelona may have been considerably smaller.

Real Madrid fans

“53,000 heroes” says Tomás Roncero in AS after the brave little soldiers went to watch the game in Madrid’s FULLY HEATED stadium.

Bad Day

Sevilla

Oh my, oh my. Sevilla’s performance on Saturday night was a complete shambles.

Diego Perotti and Diego Capel bombing up the wings with little clue of what to do once they ran into the touchline, the defence a mess and the central midfield non-existent.

The home defeat to Racing is Sevilla’s third in a row in La Liga (all with the same 2-1 scoreline) and leaves Manolo Jiménez under enormous pressure.

“We’ve lost all respect for ourselves,” admitted the crestfallen Sevilla coach.

Tenerife

A desperately frustrating evening for Tenerife, who could have pulled off a storming victory over a rattled Barcelona.

But unfortunately, as coach José Luis Oltra shrugged after the game, “the result was too harsh – but we’ve seen this film before”.

The Canary Islanders have picked up just one win in nine, which is of little comfort to the Tenerife fans whose only enjoyment from Sunday night was being able to watch a game of football in T-shirts whilst the rest of the country froze their t*ts off.

Villarreal

Soporific stuff from the Yellow Submarine.

Málaga

The southern side’s unbeaten run now extends to eight, but includes just one win. And that's why Málaga are still in the bottom three.

However, they were a little unlucky during Sunday’s 1-1 home draw against Athletic with the visitors being given the softest of penalties.

And it has been all quiet on the Basque front in response to the decision, which is in stark contrast to the conspiracy lunacy that will be launched should Real Madrid benefit from something similar next weekend in San Mamés.

Valladolid

Despite having been caught out several hundred times over, José Luis Mendilibar’s love of an astonishingly high defence shows no sign of diminishing anytime soon.

Saturday’s 4-0 defeat against Atlético is just another example of a tactic that may need some tinkering.

Xerez

Having scored an actual goal against Valencia, the bottom of the table team almost, almost made it into the Good Day section. But they didn’t.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Stats: La Liga results, fixtures & table
La Liga Loca home
Blogs home
Latest Spain news
News home
Interviews home
Forums home
FourFourTwo.com home
Follow La Liga Loca on Twitter
Follow FFT.com on Twitter
Join FFT on Facebook

The Blizzard-Running Weekend Predictions - Round 17

Tim Stannard — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 13:00:00 GMT

Saturday

Valladolid (13th) vs Atlético Madrid (11th)

Normal service has resumed at Atleti after Saturday’s win over Sevilla.

With club president Enrique Cerezo declaring that lifting the Copa del Rey in May was the only way of saving the Calderón club’s season, it was only natural that his side would blow their first-leg last-16 tie in fine style, being pummelled by second division Recreativo, a team that hadn't won in six.

But it was the manner of Atleti’s 3-0 walloping that was most majestic.

Tomas Ujfalusi’s sending off, the awful defending and the silly penalty all led to a wonderfully entertaining evening for the neutral.

“It was one of the most incredible images of impotency that I can remember,” wrote a stunned Iñako Díaz-Guerra in AS.

“And I’m like the replicant in Blade Runner who’s seen some astonishing things with this team.”

Rojiblanco manager Quique Sánchez-Flores was equally as mortified, promising after the game to “look for the kind of footballer who won’t let me down.”

The next day, Quique’s mood was just as sour so he decided to send the squad on a run through the woods in the middle of a blizzard.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (5th) vs Racing Santander (14th)

If Sevilla president José María del Nido was feeling a little down in the dumps last Tuesday, he certainly did his best to hide it by sporting a natty gangster-style fedora whilst watching his team beat Barcelona in the Camp Nou.

The previous day, Del Nido had learned that the Spanish equivalent of the Crown Prosecution Service were looking to send the Andalusian loudmouth to prison for 14 years after hitting him with corruption charges.

The Sevilla bigwig is accused of having falsely invoiced the good people of Marbella over €3 million for his fine legal services, with the official report accusing del Nido of forming “a criminal organisation to empty the local council’s coffers.”

His alleged partner-in-crime at the time, former mayor Julian Muñoz, has also been accused of financial naughtiness along with Del Nido, and may be sent straight back to jail despite having only just come out of it after a previous conviction on a similar charge.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Villarreal (9th) vs Almería (15th)

Almería left-back Guilherme is a defender who is in possession of a big pair of disco trousers and loves putting them on whenever he can.

The Brazilian has done nothing to banish the stereotype of his countrymen by partying like it’s 1999 to the detriment of his performances for the team and was kicked out of a training session shortly before Christmas after a showbiz strop.

Former boss Hugo Sánchez opted to punish his charge in an unusual manner by giving him an extra week’s holiday in Brazil over the festive period to sit and think about his behaviour.

And that goes a long way to explaining why the Mexican was given the boot soon after.

But Guilherme is back in town and determined to clean up his act, declaring that he the wants to “take advantage of the chance that they’ve given me.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sunday

Sporting (10th) vs Getafe (7th)

Getafe are the big Blue Meanies of the week with their decision to stop midfielder Derek Boateng from going to the Africa Cup of Nations.

FFT's shiny new Africa Cup of Nations section

The Ghanian had been called up by his country rather late in the day due to the injury suffered by Fulham’s John Pantsil, but Getafe have rejected the request claiming that FIFA’s own ruling says that 14 days notice must be given before any tournament begins.

But La Liga Loca also feels that the Coliseum club is perhaps quite right in its stern stance.

The club is following the letter of the law and in the blog’s humble opinion, Boateng’s tough tackling stylings in central midfield have been key to Getafe’s recent fine form.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Xerez (20th) vs Valencia (3rd)

Like a naughty child asking for pocket money from a parent, Xerez have been given permission by a judge to spend a whopping €975,000 in the winter transfer market.

La Primera’s bottom-feeders are currently going through an administration process, as well as an elongated buy-out wrangle that has hit a bumpy spot due to the fact that the club’s accounts over recent years probably consist of IOUs scrawled on the back of matchboxes from naked lady-bars.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Espanyol (16th) vs Zaragoza (19th)

When La Liga Loca spoke to Jermaine Pennant after the pre-Christmas thrashing by Real Madrid, the Zaragoza man was suitably despondent - and not just because he had to waste several minutes of his life talking to a blog that was pointing and haha-ing like The Simpsons' Nelson Muntz.

However, the winger said he would be back after the holidays and he was true to his word and put in a fine display in the goalless draw against Deportivo last weekend.

Talking to Marca this week, Pennant has again committed himself to the club, claiming that he has no plans to jump ship.

Meanwhile, the club has been beavering away in the transfer market and has snaffled former Málaga winger Eliseu in what the blog feels might be a shrewd bit of business.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Deportivo (6th) vs Osasuna (12th)

Friday’s AS claims, not unreasonably, that the Copa del Rey is dying on its ar*e, citing disappointing attendance figures of 101,247 for this week’s eight fixtures – some 90,000 less than would be expected for the corresponding games in La Liga.

Around 2,000 turned up to see Recre thrash Atlético. Only 4,500 Hercules supporters made it to see their victory over Osasuna on Thursday night, while 6,000 hardy souls in Málaga dragged themselves out at 10pm to catch the 2-1 victory over Getafe.

Cold weather and insane kick-off times must be important factors in explaining such poor crowds, as well as the two-legged format – the only one of its kind in the big leagues of Europe, note AS.

However, the response to the paper’s criticism from the Spanish FA suggests that the tournament will be a tinkering-free zone.

“We think it’s a good format and we’re not going to change it,” said a spokesman.

Well, La Liga Loca thinks they should...

LLL Prediction - Home win

Málaga (18th) vs Athletic (8th)

...simply copy the model of the FA Cup, a tournament which has also been suspected of impending death.

There should be no more protecting the big teams from the opening rounds and giving them easy ties when they join in the last 32 (not that this helps Real Madrid much).

La Copa must be an open draw with the top two divisions participating from the last 64 stage.

Matches should be played on a Saturday or Sunday, under-12s allowed in for free and knockout ties until the semi-finals.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Madrid (2nd) vs Mallorca (4th)

Well, it’s big diddums and tummy-rubbing at Castle Greyskull with complaints in Madrid fanzine Marca that the nasty, nasty people in the crowd at Osasuna were mean to Cristiano Ronaldo.

Apparently, the shiny midfielder received abuse and death threats, something that the notoriously tempestuous locals proffer even to their own players.

But despite Ronaldo saying that it “went in one ear and out the other” and professing over the summer that he “likes to see the hate in [rival supporters'] eyes," Marca are not happy at all that kiwi fruit and virgins were not offered to the footballer it regards as the best in the world.

Still, it's set to be worse on Sunday with Ronaldo playing in front of even harsher critics – the Bernabeu support, a throng who don't exactly show the love to him and his team-mates either – according to Ronaldo:

“The fans are not bad, but a lot depends on how we are playing.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Tenerife (17th) vs Barcelona (1st)

Oh dear. La Liga Loca is in a bit of tizz and doesn’t know what to think, where to go or what to do.

And no, it hasn’t gone to Argos again.

For a wee while, the blog was happy to accept in good faith the word of Marca that Barcelona had won their six trophies thanks to the powers-that-be both in the Spanish FA and UEFA waving them through.

But now, Sport are claiming that the Spanish FA - in conjunction with Real Madrid - are doing everything in their power to stop Barça from repeating their 2009 feats.

“The success of the Madridista campaign depends on whether referees are right or not,” spooked the paper.

Thursday’s edition also complains that there is a “black hand” doing its best to shaft the Camp Nou club and frets over “unfair penalties and marginal goals being ruled out” from the club’s previous encounters against Villarreal in the league and Sevilla in the cup.

It also suggests that the Andalusian side was deliberately picked to play Barça in the knockout competition to make life difficult for the holders.

The simple-minded La Liga Loca knows that one of the two papers must be wrong. It just can’t decide which it is.

And surely it can't be both.

LLL Prediction - Away win

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Ronaldo or Messi? The verdict is in

Tim Stannard — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 22:30:00 GMT

Leg or breast? Spicy stuffing or a smearing in some special sauce?

Just two of the decisions often made by Sergio Ramos over his winter break, as well as being the culinary choices on offer at Christmas dinner tables all over the world.

The other big one to chew over with a mouthful of hot meat must be the thorny issue of who is better: Leo Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo?

Well, like Ever Banega during a sudden power cut, the mass debate is well and truly over with Marca making the definitive, argument-ending decision on the affair.

And the Madrid-mad paper surprised the world by opining that neither player is better than the other, arguing that both offer different, incomparable elements to their respective teams

Actually, that’s not true.

Marca’s post-Christmas edition announced to the waiting world that Ronaldo was by far the best player. And they can prove it, too.

Rather than taking the traditional and immensely flawed method of asking experts, players and manager for their thoughts - an idiotic notion that France Football magazine and FIFA plumped for - Marca came to the conclusion that Messi was a mere molehill compared to Ronaldo by getting a writer to come up with some random categories, award points to both players in each one and declare the Madrid man as the clear winner on the front page of the paper.

Judged over eight attributes including technique, team-play, speed and dribbling skills, Marca gave Ronaldo a supreme 88 points, pounding Messi’s pathetic 80 into the dust.

This ludicrous piece of journalism - and in this area, La Liga Loca is a bit of an expert - is just one recent product of a paper increasingly consumed with envy over Barcelona’s success in 2009, an envy that surely has its source at the Santiago Bernabeu.

A paper that was never exactly the mark of quality is now going downhill faster than Maniche on a skateboard to become little more than a daily dose of the bitterest bile.

Last Saturday’s Marca featured the story that Usain Bolt had chosen Ronaldo as his favourite footballer of 2009 “and not Leo Messi.”

Wednesday’s edition leads with the shocking revelation that Cristiano Ronaldo has over three million supporters on Facebook, more than any other sportsman (including Messi) and boasts that “no footballer in the world... comes close to the popularity of Ronaldo”.

However, that effort was probably better than Tuesday’s headline, which screamed that “Guti’s back!” as if it were a good thing for its Madridista readers.

“Guti is the great gift that the Three Kings have brought Manuel Pellegrini,” claimed the paper.

Apart from the constant claims that Ronaldo is bigger and better, faster and fitter than Messi, Marca’s other ongoing theme is the notion that Barcelona’s success is based on favourable decisions from referees - something that never happens to Madrid.

Especially not with that penalty against Almería a few weeks back. Or Ronaldo not getting booked for his dive against Osasuna.

“How long are the refereeing mistakes going to keep working in Barcelona’s favour?” grumbled Marca’s editorial last Sunday in response to controversy during the Villarreal game.

The paper’s director, Eduardo Inda, whined two days later that “if a referee is in doubt in Barcelona’s favour, then they blow,” and wrote that “I’m not saying that the competition is fixed, but Spanish football mustn’t only be fair but also be seen to be fair.”

Now, La Liga Loca is all for the taunting, pee-taking and your-mothering that takes place between the country's Big Two.

The Spanish game would be a duller concept without it.

But there comes a point when you begin to feel that those poor souls forced to write such guff must want to staple their own hands to the desk stop them from doing so.

When you begin to feel that the paper’s editorial meeting consists of a phone call to Florentino Pérez.

When you wonder about the state of your own sanity by considering AS to be a superior alternative - a paper that led Tuesday’s edition with a message from Kaká’s Twitter page. From last year.

Unfortunately, that day has already arrived.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

¡Visca Barça! ¡Visca Catalunya! ¡Visca Me!

Tim Stannard — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 14:00:00 GMT

Just before Christmas, the proud people of Spain gave the recession the finger, downed tools and aren’t due to pick them up again until next week with the Three Magic Kings business still to come.

But on the topic of tools, an outspoken one who has bucked local trends and been the busiest of beavers is the King of Catalunya, Joan Laporta.

The Barcelona president was on display at the Club World Cup looking tremendously pleased with himself after a remarkable performance where he both managed his side and scored the winning injury-time strike.

“I have presided over the best period in Barça’s history,” boasted the blustery bigwig at his glorious tickertape return to his Kingdom of Catalunya.

Laporta, unable to take part in the upcoming presidential elections due to niggling term limits, instead anointed current Barcelona VP Alfons Godall as the club’s "continuity candidate" (human hand-puppet).

Joan then had to resist his most basic instincts to avoid responding to a taunt from Sevilla president José María del Nido, who warmed things up nicely ahead of Tuesday’s Copa del Rey clash by noting that “the Murcian, Galician, and Basque who is also a culé must feel embarrassed by the Catalanism that Laporta spouts.”

Unfortunately, the news breaking just before Christmas that another VP, Jaume Ferrer, was also going to stand in the elections was greeted in a less calm manner, with radio channel Cadena Ser claiming that Laporta went totally gaga and called Ferrer “a sh*t”.

“It’s between myself and him and our dirty washing should not be aired in public,” said Ferrer, who did not deny that the altercation took place.

Unlike Godall, Ferrer was one of the directors spied upon in a ‘security audit’ last year and is expected to split the status-quo vote in the presidential poll.

This split gives room for Laporta’s sworn enemies Ferran Soriano and Sandro Rosell, to whom he referred (without naming them directly) as ‘spoilt children’ during an interview with El Mundo.

But that wasn't the really big bombastic news to come out of the chat with the newspaper.

That was Laporta’s announcement that he would be moving into politics when his time at the Camp Nou is up.

This statement of intent has come as a surprise to no one, as the Barcelona president has never been shy in using (or abusing, say many fans) his role at the club to make regular proclamations on the future of the Catalan state and - more importantly - the future of Joan Laporta’s career.

“I’m tempted to stand in the Generalitat [local parliament] with a new party,” admitted Laporta, who has so far been firmly rebuffed in his advances to join existing parties – parties who have always been jealous of Laporta’s considerably higher profile born of his Camp Nou role.

“Politics doesn’t need redeemers, nor martyrs, not messiahs,” sniffed Joan Ridao, Secretary General of local party Esquerra Republicana de Catalunya.

Ciudadanos spokesman Jordi Cañas was equally forthright and said that “using Barcelona as a political platform seems repugnant to me.”

However, local political opposition won’t be a problem for a bullish Laporta who claimed that he “wants to know if a million people who want an independent Catalan state will follow me.”

If the response in the local sporting press is any guide then the answer is a firm ‘no’.

A Sport editorial from Martí Peramau compares Laporta’s political ambitions and tactics to those of an early Silvio Berlusconi, while warning him that “a multitude of young people and not so young idolise him now, but a year-and-a-half ago they wanted him out of Barcelona.”

Mundo Deportivo have given ranting space to the tremendously peeved online director of Catalan broadsheet La Vanguardia.

And Lluís Fox is very unhappy indeed, perhaps because Laporta chose to make his announcement in a right-wing 'Madrid newspaper'.

“[The interview] was all about the leader, the redeemer, the Messiah, the saviour of the homeland,” complains Fox, who argues that the roles as Barça president and political candidate are incompatible.

“He has usurped the feelings of hundreds and thousands of Barcelonistas for the service of a personal political cause.”

Mundo Deportivo deputy editor F. Perearnau also goes on the attack and blasts Laporta for choosing an ‘enemy’ ‘Spanish’ paper for his interview: it's “strange, disconcerting and suspicious.”

Whilst Laporta mulls over the less than enthusiastic response to the announcement of his political ambitions, his club are facing Sevilla in the first leg of their Copa del Rey clash - a clash that is taking place at 10pm at the Camp Nou on a day dedicated to Spain’s youngest citizens.

“It goes against the basic rights of children,” complains J.M. Artells in Mundo Deportivo, “and it is to the detriment of the players. But who cares?”

Joan Laporta certainly does. Especially if it will win him a vote or two in the years to come.

------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Round 16

Tim Stannard — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 14:30:00 GMT

RESULTS Sun Jan 3: Almería 1-0 Xerez Getafe 1-0 Real Valladolid Mallorca 2-0 Athletic Bilbao Osasuna 0-0 Real Madrid Racing Santander 2-0 Tenerife Real Zaragoza 0-0 Deportivo La Coruña Sporting Gijón 2-2 Málaga Sat Jan 2: Atlético Madrid 2-1 Sevilla Barcelona 1-1 Villarreal Valencia 1-0 Espanyol

Good Day

Atlético Madrid

At last, Atlético have found a true shambles of a side that are bigger bottlers than themselves and that’s Sevilla.

If you didn't know the result of Saturday’s clash and heard the phrases "opposition down to 10 men" and "injury-time winner" you’d have sworn that Atleti were kicking off the new year with more of the same disastrous but wonderful comedy fare.

However, the kittens were turned topsy-turvy at a Vicente Calderón stadium that went loco in a very different way after Antonio López’s late, late winner.

Mallorca

At the beginning of 2009, the ever-excellent movie critic Mark Kermode reviewed Bride Wars and made the ultimatum that if he saw 10 worse films than that rom-com dross over the course of the year then he would quit his job.

Now regular readers will know that the blog likes nothing more than stealing other people’s ideas, so it is now making the declaration that if sees 10 worse halves of football (that don’t involve Deportivo) than Sunday’s opening 45 minutes between Mallorca and Athletic Bilbao, then it will move to France and start writing La Ligue Folle.

Thankfully, the match got a little better after half-time and Mallorca scored two to make it eight wins from eight at home and move them into fourth.

Which is, quite frankly, mental.

Nikola Zigic

The fickle locals in Mestalla were just seconds away from getting their hankies out for a good old wa... (Easy! - Ed.) ...ve at a bunch of players that were being held 0-0 at home by Espanyol.

"Sorry, it's a bit stiff"

A furious duel between Carlos Kameni in the visitors’ goal and David Villa looked like leading to a stalemate before substitute Nikola Zigic used his 27-foot height advantage to score another insanely late winner and make Valencia the only side in the old top four to win this weekend.

Getafe

“Who’s the daddy!?” (cups an expectant ear to the blog readership).

Yes, it’s Getafe who’s the daddy after the 1-0 drubbing of Valladolid – their third win in a row and the fifth in six.

However, they were a tad jammy this time round with Valladolid’s Alberto Bueno having a perfectly legal goal ruled out for offside.

Málaga

A 2-2 draw away at Sporting sees the team still stuck in the relegation quagmire but unbeaten in seven.

Only one of those games has been a win, mind, which might help to explain their still perilous predicament.

Osasuna

La Liga Loca still loves this club to bits.

Similar to Athletic Bilbao with their eternal love of long balls and elbows, but possessing that extra aggression and general nastiness that makes them much more pleasurable to watch.

Sunday’s shutout of Real Madrid was Osasuna in “in its purest form” says AS in a comment that, despite its rather snooty intentions, La Liga Loca interprets as a compliment.

Juan Manuel Lillo

The new Almería manager has been away from the top flight for nine years so is quite new to the blog.

However, early probes into his nature have been returned with descriptions of him being like a very narky Alan Ball.

Very promising, indeed.

The blog’s first proper sight of a possible new hero was of a gentleman in his late forties, a tremendous combed-back Lovejoy mullet (is that a legal requirement at Almería?) - and the air of a keyboard player from an '80s prog-rock supergroup.

Incidentally, he began his Almería career with a 1-0 win over Xerez.

"Supergroup, you say?"

Bad Day

Real Madrid

La Liga Loca has a simple policy with buskers. If it likes them, then it may, just may, give them some money.

If it doesn’t, then the blog takes great joy in booting their money pot across the floor. Especially if they're playing flamenco.

Marca and AS have a similar approach to Real Madrid. The previous round’s 6-0 win over Zaragoza saw the side as the champions-in-waiting.

Sunday’s goalless draw against Osasuna is a result that would be shrugged off quite quickly in England in the equivalent fixture.

In Spain it means that Madrid are a shower and Manuel Pellegrini must go. Again.

Gonzalo Higuaín

The Argentinian is never going to be liked by Marca because he scores goals from time to time (unlike, to take one random example, Kaká), isn’t especially sexy or famous and was signed by Ramón Calderón and not Florentino Pérez.

Therefore, Higuaín’s second-half miss in a one-on-one with Ricardo will surely lead to his imminent benching in favour of Florentino favourite Karim Benzema.

Cristiano Ronaldo

Hopefully, the world is laughing and pointing at Ronaldo’s ludicrous first-half bunny-hop penalty-seeking antics.

Simple advice: if you're going to cheat, at least get the timing right.

"Unbelievable, Gonzo, you muppet"

Barcelona

“Champions cannot fail” yells Monday’s Marca in response to Madrid’s missed opportunity to go top of the table after Barcelona’s draw with Villarreal.

"Au contraire" says La Liga Loca. Champions can fail, as the current ones have just proved having gotten away with an indifferent performance on Saturday night to stay top of the table.

Xavi, Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Barcelona were lucky to avoid having two penalties being given against them thanks to the mercy of the referee, yet both Xavi and Zlatan huffed and puffed their way through the game pouting and complaining like a couple of ninnies over some of the decisions being made against their side.

Diego Forlán

Nothing less than dreadful at the moment. Needs a nun to slap him out of it, Airplane-style.

Zaragoza

Over Christmas, José Aurelio Gay was confirmed as the new Zaragoza boss, having impressed his bosses enough with his leadership during the 6-0 tonking at the Bernabeu.

And due to the fact that Victor Muñoz wanted more money.

And Gay began in fine style by dropping Roberto Ayala and striker Ewerthon, saying that “we need 11 players on the pitch, not eight-and-a-half”.

That made little difference on Sunday, Zaragoza starting the new year with a goalless draw against Deportivo.

Incidentally, a Google search to confirm Gay’s full name brought up a curious list of establishments to visit in the Aragonese city.

------------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

The best quotes of 2009

Tim Stannard — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 11:30:00 GMT

January

“What! Do you want to die?! I’m a professional! Respect my work! Show me respect!” - Carlos Kameni, perhaps the biggest, hardest person La Liga Loca has ever come to face-to-face with, scares a critical Espanyol fan into 2016 during a training ground rumble.

“It’s an absurd thought” - Pep Guardiola has early doubts over the crazy notion that his Barcelona side might win blooming everything in 2009.

“Nanín is neither a friend of mine, nor in my circle of trust” - He may have been personally thanked by Ramón Calderón for his role in the 2006 presidential election victory, had an office near him, travelled on away trips with him, and gone out with his daughter, but the disgraced big cheese barely knew the scapegoat-shaped victim of the vote-rigging scandal at Real Madrid’s AGM.

“I also went to the Real Madrid Assembly!” - a banner spotted in the Camp Nou in response to the revelation that an Atlético Madrid season ticket holder was just one of the many infiltrators who somehow got into the event to support the then president Ramón Calderón.

“Kaká to Real Madrid? Never!” - Silvio Berlusconi gives the Italian press his second most memorable quote of the year after December’s “what do you mean, ‘duck!’?”

February

“I’ve never seen a West Ham game in my life and I expect to snuff it without ever having experienced this sensation” - Marca’s Miguel Serrano is less than impressed by Real Madrid’s loan signing of the bench-napping Julien Faubert.

“Neither I nor anyone else is planning the sacking of Javier Aguirre” - Atlético Madrid president Enrique Cerezo, a man whose word can be trusted as far as Maniche can be carried, speaks out just two days before firing the first of his club’s three managers of 2009 (see also October).

“I called Telefonica and they said they would come to my house in two days and they turned up five weeks later” - It’s not just Getafe fans who can’t bothered supporting their players, as former midfielder Eugen Polanski discovers.

March

“I don’t think they want to sell Martin Villa” - Ramón Calderón’s presidential replacement Vicente Boluda reveals why negotiations with Valencia for the Spanish international may have hit an early snag.

“It was a final and we lost it. But there are 12 more” - Osasuna manager José Antonio Camacho, still struggling with the different concepts of ‘match’ and ‘final’.

“We don’t understand why he has thrown this crap at us” - Carlos Marchena shows that there’s still no ‘I’ in ‘team’ after Valencia’s sporting director of the week tells the press that the players simply aren’t trying.

“We reckon they don’t eat pork. We’ll sort them out with some chickens” - Culturally sensitive Osasuna fan Luis Miguel Arraztoa is told that Iranian players Javad Nekounam and Masoud Shojaei may find his generous gift of live piglets to slaughter less useful than their team-mates.

“I took this decision for the sake of the club’s image” - Joaquín Bilbao, La Liga Loca’s 2009 Man of the Year and former Xerez president, steps down after a big night out involving a whorehouse, a black eye, a fight with a Russian bouncer, a drive-by shooting against a door and a night in the police cells.

April

“We have a cordial relationship” - Juande Ramos was just the latest in a long line of Madrid managers feeling the love with the club’s model professional, Guti.

“I called the Emir to congratulate him on the purchase of the club, but he knew nothing about it" - Confidante Rashidi Omrani reveals the that man who Betis’ website claimed would be buying the institution, Sheikh Humaid bin Rashid al-Nuaimi, had been carelessly left out of the loop.

“The other day, Alexandre Song of Arsenal told me that we were the only league you watch in bed when you go to sleep” - Pierre Webo identifies la Liga’s target audience for their eternally-popular 10pm kick-off times.

“I couldn’t believe it! It was a match where you think ‘ah sh*t, we’re going to lose this’” - An uncharacteristically animated Klaas-Jan Huntelaar shares his feelings with La Liga Loca after Madrid’s insanely dramatic late win over Getafe.

“I hoped it would be higher up and a bit more central” - Getafe midfielder Javi Casquero admits that his pathetic penalty taken minutes after being booted up the *rse by Pepe failed to meet his expectations.

“The other day, I was watching Pop Idol and I got really emotional when the contestants saw their families. I’m a cry-baby” - Miguel Angel Lotina adds ‘being a big girl’s blouse’ to the long list of characteristics for the Deportivo boss.

May

“I’m no longer thinking about Real Madrid. That dream is dead” - Cristiano Ronaldo, somewhat economical with the truth.

“He calls me about four or five times a day” - David Villa tries - and fails - to introduce the concept of humour to the Spanish football press during Florentino Pérez’ return to the footballing limelight.

“His model is to pay 10 times more for a player who is six years older” - Real Madrid presidential pre-candidate Eugenio Martínez Bravo claims that Kaká was offered to his club in 2003 for €6 million. He also fails to mention that Florentino’s model includes mistaking Tomas Gravesen for Lee Carsley.

“A footballer with a briefcase full of money runs slower” - Getafe coach Michel isn’t speculating on the issues involved with Cristiano Ronaldo’s move to Madrid but the notion that ‘incentives’ are paid to players by opposing teams at the end of every Spanish season.

“I went to a neurologist, a cardiologist, a dentist and a nutritionist. I’ve lost weight and I’m back exercising” - Former Atlético Madrid boss Javier Aguirre discovers the numerous joys of being sacked by the Vicente Calderón club.

June

“I’m leaving with a dagger in my heart” - And all Vicente Soriano wanted was a gold watch and a handshake after stepping down as Valencia president at the end of last season.

“I will take the team to the Europa League, the Champions League and we will go once again to Madrid... that’s what Manuel Ruíz de Lopera is working for!” - Betis fans have nothing to fear despite being relegated from la Primera according to majority shareholder and the third-person-talking Darth de Lopera.

“The most scandalous signing in the history of football” “The signing of the century!” - A wholly unexpected difference in opinion between Sport and Marca over the signing of Cristiano Ronaldo.

July

“When I woke up, I said ‘I’ve got to return to Spain for training tomorrow’” - Despite Mariano Pernía suffering a fractured spine, a broken collarbone, a tear to his left lung and a three-day coma after a car accident in Argentina, the Atlético Madrid full-back would still have been better than the gaggle of hoofing eejits who took his place in the side over the next five months.

“We were predestined to find each other” - Burger King suit Elías Díaz Sesé gets a tad carried away over his company’s sponsorship deal with Getafe.

“It was a sign that I had respected the Lord” - Whilst the groin-strained Kaká currently has problems spreading his legs, his wife Caroline Celico had no trouble managing the opposite with her claim that she was rewarded for saving her cherry until her wedding night with her hubby’s move to Madrid.

“Has no-one told him we had loads of games last season without even seeing the goal?” - Valladolid manager Jose Luís Mendilibar has some doubts over whether his new striker Manucho will keep his 40-goals-a-season promise.

“I raised my hands to surrender, but Carleto shot me twice” - The famous Valencia team spirit is alive and well with Rubén Baraja’s fond memories of an inter-squad paintball contest.

August

“We are alone in the universe” - Atlético Madrid president Enrique Cerezo confesses that there’s no sign of intelligent life away from the Vicente Calderón either.

“If there was a transfer list then Robben would not be on it” – The confident claim from Manuel Pellegrini shortly before his bosses revealed both that there was and that the Dutchman was very much on it.

“It’s true that some of our campaigns have not gone down too well with some people” - Getafe president Angel Torres after the launch of his club’s advertising spot which have previously featured eggs, dwarves, transvestites and even Moses.

“I don’t know” - Pep Guardiola’s response to American journalists on Barça’s pre-season tour when asked what he will do to improve the side in the season to come.

September

“I would love it if they played like Brazil in 1970, but there is an order of priorities. First results, then good football” - Athletic Bilbao president Fernando García Macua happily admits that his Basque side are as attractive as Florentino Pérez chewing lipstick.

“We’ve played teams with good forwards and good goalkeepers” - Bottom-of-the-table Xerez boss Cuco Ziganda on the tiny flaw in his club’s survival plans after the loss of their opening two games.

“It’s a very important result, but it doesn’t mean anything” - Espanyol manager Pochettino caught in two minds after a 3-2 win over Deportivo.

“We have protected and defended them” - Four Barcelona VPs were lucky to have been secretly spied on in a ‘security audit’ says club CEO Joan Oliver.

October

“The person who hired me is famous and personally knows the player” - Spanish witch El Brujo adds Raúl to the suspect list after he admits that he was hired to cause a career-ending injury to Cristiano Ronaldo.

“This is a sign of the club. They destroy presidents, directors, coaches and players” - Former Real Madrid big cheese Ramón Calderón knows all too well how things run at Castle Greyskull, having personally sacked two title-winning managers and caused David Beckham’s Bernabeu departure.

“I’m not stupid” - The managerial worm turned at Valladolid with coach José Luis Mendilibar responding to observations from local hacks that his side’s defence was none too strong.

“It would be crazy to think about changing coach” - Crazy is as crazy does, with Atlético president Enrique Cerezo firing Abel Resino (coach number two) just two days after this irate outburst.

“I’ve gone from watching videos of our rivals to SpongeBob SquarePants” - Still without a return date, Real Madrid midfielder Rubén de la Red reveals that his heart problem (and fatherhood) has led to a lifestyle change.

“I’m fit to play” - Guti’s famous declaration, followed just 20 minutes later by one from his boss claiming he was injured.

November

“He made us eat a lot of fish” - Sevilla midfielder Didier Zokora recalls the ‘finny business’ endured at Spurs under the reign of Juande Ramos.

“The problem with Riki is that he doesn’t know how to fall over” - Deportivo boss Miguel Angel Lotina says some things can’t be taught after his stumbling striker was booked in successive games for diving.

“If he doesn’t play, then he’s at home crying” - Lady Gago’s agent Marcelo Lombilla reveals that not only can his client not pass, shoot nor tackle, but that he’s an enormous pinny-wearing ponce to boot.

December

“Shut it!” - Andrés Iniesta’s all-round genius rating goes up a notch with his response to Cristiano Ronaldo’s diving taunt during el Clásico.

“When they sacked Abel Resino, I was the happiest man in the world” - Atlético Madrid’s whingeing winger José Antonio Reyes reveals why he’s always the manager’s favourite at every club he plays for.

“When you see Raúl warming up, it’s not the same as seeing Drenthe” - Bernd Schuster feels that some players are more equal than others in the Real Madrid substitute pecking order.

“You’re pretty rude for someone who’s 10” - Iker Casillas is drawn into a slanging match with a *** potty-mouth in Mestalla during Madrid’s Valencia clash.

“Sometimes I look slow. Maybe it’s because of my long legs” - Or maybe Real Madrid defender Ezequiel Garay looks slow because he is slow.

-------------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

"Visca Catalunya! Unless it’s raining...”

Tim Stannard — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 14:30:00 GMT

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, La Liga Loca is telling you why...

...cos Joan Laporta will smack you over the back of the head with a bottle of Cava, bundle you into a van, drive you to the Camp Nou and make you sit through Tuesday night’s Catalunya vs Argentina clash.

The reason why the Barcelona president may be taking such drastic action ahead of the friendly between a cobbled-together rabble who will never play a major role in international football in the near future... and Catalunya, is that ticket sales have been somewhat poor for the game with just 30-40,000 local crazies expected at the region’s flagship event.

“The players are fairly disappointed, most of all the Barcelona ones,” sighed Johan Cruyff, the lucky coach for the home side, on the less-than-titillating turnout.

“They're not playing for money, just pride, and it’s a shame that the public don’t share the same attitude,” continued the Camp Nou kingmaker before adding with a shrug: “Perhaps it’s not worth the effort.”

At time of writing, there's still a few hours to go for local fans to pluck up the enthusiasm for an evening spent watching the likes of Lady Gago and the returning loon Oleguer booting a ball about, trying not to get injured and wishing that they were up to their chins in fann... floosies like rest of their footballing colleagues in this special festive, family time.

So far, Laporta has been as silent on the affair as Diego Maradona - although the latter doesn’t really have much choice on the matter - but did remind the world on Monday that he had “presided over the best period in Barcelona’s history,” which is always good to know.

The Madrid press, on the other hand, have been keeping local fans up to date with the thoughts of Manuel Pellegrini.

Marca pestered the Third-Choice Chilean on Monday as he headed off to Santiago for his Christmas holidays and got his opinions on the title race and Madrid’s progress so far this season.

And AS were present and correct at the other end to check if his musings on those matters had changed significantly during his transatlantic trip.

From what La Liga Loca can ascertain, there has been no significant shift in Pellegrini’s stances.

Preferring their Three Kings at the beginning of January to Santa Claus, Spain doesn’t really get into the Christmas spirit as much as other countries.

For example, La Liga Loca has no idea what the Christmas No.1 is, although it guesses that it probably isn’t very good.

However, Almería are trying to kick off a new tradition by sacking their manager come Yuletide time.

The fun started in 2008 with the firing of Gonzalo Arconada and it has been continued a year later, with Hugo Sánchez being given some special stuffing after 363 days in charge.

Despite having lost the services and 19 league goals of Alvaro Negredo and their two flying full-backs, not to mention having newly-purchased midfield linchpin Fabian Vargas out for the season, it seems that Almería president Alfonso García feels that his club should have been pushing for the European places, rather than lying fourth from bottom.

But, having a bit of time on his hands over the next week or so, the Almería boss will be hunting high and low for a new mug to fire in a year’s time with the likes of Luis Fernández, or even Diego Simeone, being lined up to take up the newly-vacated spot on the Almería ejector seat.

Another club still looking for a new coach is Real Zaragoza, who have announced that their players will be the first to arrive back from Christmas holidays for training, on December 26.

Except some of them may not even be required to unpack their pressies, with AS reporting that Ayala, Ewerthon, López Vallejo and our very own Jermaine Pennant are set to be sold in January, having offered as much to the Zaragoza cause over the past five months as Maniche to an abstinence campaign.

********

Well, that’s yer lot from La Liga Loca until after Christmas when it will return bigger and better (probably not, actually) with the Quotes of 2009...

-------------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Round 15

Tim Stannard — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 11:30:00 GMT

Good Day

  Atlético Madrid  

La Liga Loca is in an uncharacteristically frisky mood, having woken up to a big bunch of snow in Madrid.

But the responsible BBC-listening blog is well aware that this is bad news for old folk, travellers and pedestrians looking to cross the road without being mashed - a group it will soon be joining.  

But it has decided to make Atleti the fairy at the top of the Good Day tree on the account of the Rojiblancos not losing their Sunday evening encounter with Tenerife.  

That’s not to say that the Calderón club didn't try their very best to make it 45 weeks in succession in the Bad Day section, but an iffy penalty for Tenerife was saved by Sergio Asenjo whilst the youngster blocked a Nino effort with just 10 seconds left on the clock.

  Atlético’s fine start to the new season sees them in 15th place and just two points from the relegation zone.

La Liga Loca salutes you.  

Rafael van der Vaart

Unlike Lady Gago, the Dutch fella opted against sulking, whining and getting his agent to moan to the press during his ongoing absence from the starting line-up.  

Instead, Van der Vaart kept on working hard, made an impression when he did feature - including the near-impossible feat of a goal against Alcorcón - and has been rewarded with a series of sparkling starts.

  Rather than being stuck out on the wings or in midfield, the Dutch international is now in his favourite Kaká-shaped second striker position and demonstrated what a classy piece of footballing booty he really is with two goals against Zaragoza on Saturday night.

One Rafa pointing upwards

  Fernando Llorente  

A first-minute strike from Fran Yeste, set up by Fernando Llorente, led to the expected feisty, filthy footballing contest against Osasuna being more than a little dull - mainly thanks to the abject surrender of the visitors.  

But it was still a good night for the possible World Cup player Llorente, who added a goal soon after his early assist.  

Roberto Soldado  

Two more goals, making it 10 in la Liga for Soldado has got Michel’s spider sense tingling with the Getafe manager predicting that “if he stays at this level, then unfortunately he won’t be with us for much longer.”  

All the blog will add to this is that some club, somewhere, is in for a huge disappointment.

  Valladolid

Playing Sporting in about -50 degrees on what appeared to be an ice-rink brought a desperately needed win for Valladolid, thanks to a lovely but very late effort from Haris Medunjanin.  

Gustavo Munúa  

Some decent recent performances have finally been rewarded with Málaga’s 2-1 victory over Mallorca being the southern side’s second win of the league campaign.  

But the biggest winner of the day was Málaga keeper Gustavo Munúa, who not only beat his Mallorca counterpart Dudu Aouate in a very real sense whilst they were both at Deportivo, but did it again on Sunday with a string of fine saves while Dudu’s dunderings handed the home side all three points.

  Barcelona 

Six titles, etc, yadda, yadda, yadda.   

Bad Day

Jermaine Pennant  

La Liga Loca had a natter with the Zaragoza man soon after the 6-0 walloping by Madrid - perhaps the perfect end to the perfect day for poor old Pennant - and found the winger in a bit of a dark place.  

However, less-than-jolly Jermaine did say that he would be back with Zaragoza in the new year after a week in Blighty but that the squad still had no clue as to who the new manager would be.  

Pennant considers the ostrich approach

To be fair to the Englishman, Pennant had absolutely no chance to shine in a game where Zaragoza only managed a single shot on target and where they were cat food from the moment the game kicked off.  

Marca director Eduardo Inda  

The blog's not sure if it has handed out a ‘Moron of the Year’ award before, but it's going to start now.

This year’s hands-down, no-contest winner is Marca director Eduardo Inda.  

Aside from selling his journalistic soul to Florentino Pérez some time ago, Inda triumphed in 2009 with his “20 reasons why Manuel Pellegrini should be sacked” article followed soon after by “seven more reasons why Pellegrini should go” special.  

Well, it had gone embarrassingly quiet on that front with Real Madrid doing reasonably well of late.

But the lunacy was back on Monday - perhaps after a little nudge from the Madrid president - with the paper’s editorial responding to a handy 6-0 win at the weekend by bitching about the Madrid boss failing to start with Karim Benzema.

  “Good managers are capable of playing all their big stars at the same time,” moans Marca. “The Bernabeu is demanding its stars and Benzema is one of them.”

  For a start, the Bernabeu was deathly silent on Saturday and wasn’t demanding anything aside from the overhead heating being cranked up to 11.  

And isn’t the real reason for the paper’s peculiar stance down to the fact that Saturday’s win was built by Gonzalo Higuaín, Marcelo and Rafael van der Vaart, who all happen to be Ramón Calderón signings?

  Hugo Sánchez

  It’s Christmas, so it’s high time that Almería fired their coach in a move that La Liga Loca may have a good rant about in the days to come.

  Last year Gonzalo Arconada was royally Scrooged by his bosses; this time around it's Hugo Sánchez who has been festively fracked after Sunday’s 2-0 defeat to Espanyol.  

Sevilla

  Seven points lost at home against the titanic trio of Málaga, Valladolid and now Getafe.

Useless from Sevilla. Absolutely useless.   

*Have a 45 minute window in your life? Well you can waste it by watching La Liga Loca wittering away on RMTV’s season-so-far review show Extra Time, repeated throughout the festive period.

-------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

The Undies-Flogging Weekend Predictions - Round 15

Tim Stannard — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:00:00 GMT

Saturday

Xerez (20th) vs Barcelona (1st)

Put every penny you own or can beg, steal or borrow on a 2-0 win for Barcelona on Saturday night.

And perhaps go for a victory with goals from Henry and Zlatan, if you're feeling really, really frisky.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Athletic (7th) vs Osasuna (11th)

Just because Athletic Bilbao happen to be another member of the Basque brotherhood, it doesn’t mean that Osasuna will stop their laudable tradition of despising every side that doesn’t hail from Pamplona.

Saturday’s Round 15 opener is set to be a fantastic affair of hoofs, long balls and despicable lunges as two teams not widely known for their pretty, expansive football batter each other into submission on a pitch that could well be an icy Thunderdome of doom.

“The match is going to be attractive, stylish and passionate,” claimed Osasuna midfielder Jokin Esparza, adding that “two teams enter, one team leaves.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (3rd) vs Getafe (8th)

Even the normally emotionally insensitive La Liga Loca feels a bit of tension in the air down at Getafe after comments from club president Angel Torres that he was going to loan out the manager’s son Adrián to either a second division outfit or abroad, due to the fact that he has played more than five Primera games.

The fairly hopeless - but no worse than many others - midfielder has been a target of boos and jeers from the Coliseum crowd for no other reason that it is a fun way to pass the time, and it seems that Torres has had his fill of the fans’ fury.

“The pressure on him is enormous as the supporters are so unforgiving,” claimed the Getafe owner.

But a tetchy Big Daddy did not seem at all pleased by this cunning winter window plan and refused to be drawn on the subject in Thursday’s press conference, saying that he counted on all 23 of his players - even rubbish goalkeeper Jordi Codina - and would not give in to the wishes of the Coliseum crowd.

“I’m not going to chose a line-up based on the opinion of a group of fans,” stropped the green cardigan-clad Michel.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Madrid (2nd) vs Zaragoza (18th)

La Liga Loca's not sure what was worse for poor Pepe:

Knowing that he would be missing the rest of the season and possibly the World Cup through his cruciate ligament injury, or having photographers from both Marca and AS shoving cameras into his unnervingly small face just hours after his surgery in Oporto.

Pepe’s rather groggy looking pinhead stares out from the front covers of both papers on Friday.

But what stands out most from the rather distressing images is the footballers' hospital pyjamas - light blue and covered with funny green frogs’ heads and what appears to be either comedy aliens or fried eggs.

AS reports that the non-crocked Madrid players will be preparing a surprise for their team-mate ahead of their clash with Zaragoza on Saturday.

Except that it won’t really be that much of a surprise for two big reasons.

Firstly, the paper reveals what it is going to be. And secondly, walking out in T-shirts with the logo ‘Animo Pepe!’ is not a great burst of brilliance from the Bernabeu brainboxes.

Strangely, no T-shirts of support are planned for Guti, who has disappeared completely ever since the first Alcorcón clash from October thanks to an unfortunate series of injuries.

The most recent of these is a leg-knack which should have healed some two weeks ago but is still troubling the madcap midfielder.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sunday

Valladolid (13th) vs Sporting (9th)

Having been in the freezing wastelands of Valladolid for three-and-half seasons, coach José Luis Mendilibar can be considered one of the true Napalm-smelling veterans of la Liga.

However, it seems that his number may well be up in the months to come, for no other reason than the local fans seem to be bored of him.

“His ideas are out-of-date and he plays an archaic style of football,” moans one supporter on Marca’s message board.

However, Mendilibar says that he expects to get a brand new contract from club president Carlos Suárez despite a somewhat disappointing run of just one league win from 11.

“In spite of the results, he seems really positive. In the past, I’ve been afraid to look him in the eye,” claims the Valladolid manager.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Espanyol (17th) vs Almería (16th)

Eagle-eyed Espanyol fans may have noticed that the blog has written absolutely naff-all about Shunsuke Nakumura since the Japanese player’s signing from Celtic last summer.

And that’s because the midfielder has done diddly-squat to warrant any attention having made just six starts all season, the last of which was November's 4-0 walloping by the mighty Atlético Madrid.

“There’s been a problem with communication and culture,” explained Espanyol boss Pochettino, who agreed that his player’s “adaptation to Spanish football has taken a little longer than expected.”

Part of this reason, explains Mundo Deportivo, is that “Pochettino gives him instructions in training and Nakamura looks at him as if he’s a Martian.”

The paper reveals the stunning insight that an egghead in El Prat-land has come up with the crazy notion of getting an interpreter for Nakamura in the new year.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Málaga (19th) vs Mallorca (5th)

Having witnessed the kerfuffle endured by the late, great Sid Lowe on how sensitive Mallorca are to having articles written about them praising their incredible season so far, despite all the hardships, La Liga Loca shall not speak of those Balearic battlers for a wee while.

Instead, it will be bring you hot news from Sweden and the possibility of a thermonuclear/meatball war with Russia over some dodgy tights. So says thelocal.se...

“The mystery surrounding why exactly a Swedish diplomat was selling smuggled pantyhose in a Moscow kiosk grew on Tuesday as the Swedish foreign ministry alleged the Russian media portrayal of the incident was a deliberate smear attempt.

“'They’ve presented the story in a way which deliberately sullies the diplomat’s reputation,' Swedish foreign ministry spokesperson Anders Jörle told The Local.

"The comments come following a report by Russia’s NTV television which shows the 35-year-old Swedish diplomat unloading cartons of nylon stockings from a car bearing diplomatic plates and standing behind the counter of a kiosk in Moscow where the hosiery was being sold.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Tenerife (12th) vs Atlético Madrid (14th)

La Liga Loca is already rethinking its previous stance having just seen photos in Friday’s Marca of the paper’s director having a jolly jape and giggle with Atlético Madrid president Enrique Cerezo.

And this despite Marca having run a relentless campaign over the past months calling the Rojiblanco bigwig all manner of potentially libellous names and telling him to sling his hook.

The venue was Atlético’s Christmas bash and the club cunningly saved some cash by getting Cerezo himself to do the stand-up in between the meals - a routine that had them rolling in the aisles.

“2010 will begin really well for us,” tittered Enrique as Diego Forlán’s sides split all over the floor.

“This side has the strength, heart and desire to get out of this.”

This final gag was just too much for some, with Tomas Ujfalusi’s head falling right off.

However, there was more sniggering to come on Friday, with AS reporting that Atlético are set to renew their efforts to sign Rennes full-back Rod Fanni.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Deportivo (6th) vs Valencia (4th)

Last week, Deportivo published their accounts ahead of Saturday’s AGM and announced that the club’s debt had been reduced by €38 million to €122m over the past year.

“Hurrah!” was the immediate reaction from some quarters.

“Really?” was the response from others, who wondered exactly how this was achieved considering no significant funds had been raised through transfers during the period in question.

Marca is reporting that the accounts released by Deportivo may not quite be what they first appear and note that some queries made by auditors examining the documents have yet to be answered by the Galician bean-counters.

Club president Augusto Lendoiro is facing a fun Saturday in front of the fans in explaining himself and questions raised by a UEFA investigation into possible false signatures being used to sign the club’s accounts in the 2007/08 period.

“Our lawyer did tell me that there were some problems on the special UEFA report,” admitted Lendoiro.

LLL Prediction - Draw

-------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Atlético Madrid - The Musical!

Tim Stannard — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:30:00 GMT

Although not necessarily true, but for the purposes of today’s offerings it is a useful observation to make that the Brits are, by and large, an armpit-scratching, knuckle-dragging, pea-brained breed addicted to The X Factor and anything involving Ant & Dec.

This is in stark contrast to the infinitely more cultured Spanish, who love their cinema and theatre dearly and are regular patrons of both.

Indeed, there are five picture houses within five minutes' walk of La Liga Loca’s bohemian lair.

Musicals are the current favourite fad in the land of ham, with the popular Fame and peculiar Anne Frank - The Musical (no, really) living side-by-side and supported by everyone from fur coat-clad grannies to yapping youngsters.

This got La Liga Loca to thinking that a certain down-on-its-luck football club looking to make some filthy lucre could take advantage of this current trend and make a mint with Atlético Madrid - The Musical!.

Although a pantomime would perhaps be the best vehicle for portraying the incredible carry-on at the Vicente Calderón club in song-and-dance form, the concept is a tad difficult to explain in a country where Christopher Biggins doesn’t exist.

However, it's no stretch to imagine Atleti owners Enrique Cerezo and Miguel Angel Gil as the ugly sisters and Westlife as the club’s back four - complete with gleeful cries of “He’s behind you!" from the audience every time an actor dressed as an opposition forward runs onto the stage.

The latest episode in the club’s wacky West End adventures was the short-lived Rojiblanco resurrection after league wins over Espanyol and Xerez were followed by the inevitable comedy collapse against Porto in the Champions League and the ever-so-entertaining 2-1 defeat to Villarreal last weekend.

Quique Sánchez Flores - perhaps played by a young Danny La Rue - had spent the Saturday before the doomed date with the Yellow Submarines warning the local press and fans that the good times were far from around the corner by noting that “the only thing we’ve achieved is to stop our freefall.”

"There's NO business like SHOW business..."

Midfielder José Jurado was in cheerier mood, however, promising soon after the Porto setback that fans would “see a different Atlético against Villarreal.”

In his own quirky way the former Madrid man was quite correct.

Atlético were different in that they were even worse and lost to a late Joseba Llorente winner followed by the familiar catcalls from fans and protests against the club owners.

Club president Enrique Cerezo responded to Atleti’s latest crisis in the only way he knows how: by gathering the players in a meeting room and pleasuring them with a long and undoubtedly tedious speech.

This took place after Quique had tried the same approach but admitted to reporters that “there’s a very pessimistic atmosphere” at the club - with the footballers feeling that they are beaten even before going out on the pitch.

(Which saves some time, at least).

But Wednesday’s Marca is reporting that the pampered players are already fed up with their coach after just two months.

Being publicly branded hopeless, depressed and in possession of the attention span of Guti on laughing gas has got their collective back up, despite all three observations being quite true.

Full-backs Antonio López and Mariano Pernía are supposedly peeved at being unused ahead of Tomas Ujfalusi.

Kun Agüero is unhappy at being rested in recent key encounters, whilst Diego Forlán is in the middle of a season-long sulk and is playing more like Javier Portillo than Pichichi in the current campaign.

Photographed in Wednesday’s AS leaning seductively on his desk, president Cerezo tried to raise the team's spirits with the usual nonsense about the side’s footballers needing to play with passion and fans needing to get behind them from the first minute.

“Supporters can’t go to the ground thinking that we are going to lose," he insisted, dispensing with the laws of probability.

"If people are going to think so negatively, then if you’ll forgive me, it’s better that they don’t go at all.”

Although sporting director Jesús Pitarch is on a scouting mission in South America, there is little money in the Calderón coffers to add new faces in January, meaning that Quique will probably have to make it to the end of the season with the collection of pantomime characters he has now.

And that can only mean yet more laughter and tears from the off-Broadway show that always delivers the goods, week after week.

Atlético’s Top Five funnies (so far)
Round 1, La Liga -
Losing 3-0 on the opening day to Málaga, still the opposition side’s only victory of the season.
Round 3, La Liga -
Hoping for a moral-boosting performance in the Camp Nou, Atleti were 4-1 down by half-time.
Round 8, La Liga -
One-nil up against Mallorca and deep into second-half injury time. Oops, an equaliser for the Balearic visitors.
Round 10, La Liga -
Looking for a rare bright start in the Calderón against Real Madrid, Atlético were 1-0 down within five minutes.
Matchday 1, Champions League -
Getting the European campaign off to a flying start with a goalless draw at home against the mighty APOEL.

-------------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Espanyol not ready to make nice

Tim Stannard — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:00:00 GMT

The roots of the existential animosity between Espanyol and Barcelona are now lost in the mists of time, but ready to be uncovered by Simon Schama in a 37-part BBC series.

Precambrian anthropologists claim that the feuding and feistiness between the two clubs stems from a heady cocktail of Javier Saviola, some flares, hooligans, a mouldy vol-au-vent, a urinal splashback incident and one member of the pugilistic pair keeping the duvet of Catalan pride all to themselves.

Spanish football clubs tend to be a humourless, pompous lot staffed and stuffed by red-faced, rotund, blustery men in their sixties.

These buffet-loving board members have the finest of times, trotting round Spain meeting their fellow trough-guzzlers and congratulating each other on their cunning tactic of paying for their fodder by ignoring the whole concept of taxes.

So when one side turns down the chance of some free grub, you know that something serious is going on.

That’s what happens every time Espanyol and Barcelona meet, with the former constantly refusing offers to break bread and quaff Cava with their big city brothers.

“It’s like a child’s tantrum,” sighed the King of Catalunya, Joan Laporta, on the latest buffet-snub from the Pericos - strong words indeed from a gentleman who is all too familiar with the ancient art of hurling toys from prams.

The Barcelona president had his own little spat over the weekend as the party who headed off to Abu Dhabi to become the bestest club in the world required a scheduled stopover in Turkey.

Despite Laporta calling the Spanish PM to force the airline to change its route, just two days before the trip, the Barcelona-supporting José Luis Zapatero told Joan that it was a little out of his jurisdiction.

And that he was a tad busy with Spain’s collapsing economy.

“This wouldn’t have happened to a Spanish team,” grumbled Laporta, a man who is apparently quite happy to change the nationality of his club when it is convenient for him to do so.

The Barcelona president then had to face the consequences of his insult fired at Espanyol.

The cantankerous bigwig running the Pericos, Daniel Sánchez-Llibre, decided to hold fire until after Saturday’s controversial encounter to let loose at his Catalan counterpart.

“He’s insufferable,” blasted Sánchez-Llibre on Spanish radio, before going on to share his thoughts on Xavi’s wind-assisted tumble.

“Why not just give Barça 70 points at the start of the season and let the rest of us play for another league?”

La Liga Loca suspects that this would not be the most helpful of solutions for Espanyol, as they would probably be completely crap in that league, too.

The Barcelona-loving press are as desperate as can be to change the local narrative of the week to the Club World Cup, with Sport’s editorial closing the topic by writing that whenever an opposition shirt is grabbed in the box, it is a penalty.

However, Espanyol are still as mad as hell and definitely not letting it lie.

“I put my hand out to know where Xavi was, nothing more,” claimed Raúl Baena, the man who cruelly brought the Barcelona chap crashing to the floor with the most cynical of assaults.

The midfielder also denies having spoken to Xavi about his brutal battering, something that the Barça player claimed after Sunday’s game as way of a feeble excuse for his fall.

“At no moment did I speak to Xavi and tell him that it was a penalty.”

While this debate will be floating around Barcelona for a few more days, the topic in the Spanish capital is what to do about Pepe during his unfortunate season-long absence.

According to Tuesday’s Marca, the solution is an easy one – with Roberto Carlos’ big beaming face on the front cover with the way-past-his-best Brazilian shouting that “I can be Pepe’s replacement!”

With barely a day gone since the news of the Portuguese pin-head’s knee-knack was revealed, the former Madridista leapt two-footed into Pepe’s grave - the thump could be heard all the way from Turkey - with Roberto Carlos claiming that he was “upset when he saw what happened to him.”

So upset, it seems that he was straight on the phone to Marca to tell them that “if Real Madrid called, I would go right now,” despite his verbal agreement to join Corinthians once his inconvenient contract with Fenerbahce is terminated.

The arrival of Roberto Carlos would lead to Sergio Ramos moving into central defence - a change that the defender claimed he wouldn’t be keen on - and Arbeloa to the right.

But the transfer does sound like the perfect solution for Real Madrid if what they are after is a contract-breaking, opportunistic has-been whose word is as useful as a StairMaster in Maniche’s mansion.

--------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Round 14

Tim Stannard — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:00:00 GMT

Weekend results: Barcelona 1-0 Espanyol, Valencia 2-3 Real Madrid, Sporting 0-1 Sevilla, Atletico Madrid 1-2 Villarreal, Almeria 1-1 Deportivo La Coruna, Getafe 2-1 Tenerife, Osasuna 0-1 Mallorca, Racing 3-2 Xerez, Valladolid 1-1 Malaga, Zaragoza 1-2 Athletic Bilbao.

Good Day

Madridista Conspiracy Theories

As soon as Xavi tumbled to the ground in the Camp Nou on Saturday night having fallen victim to nothing more sinister than his own bootlaces, the sporting hacks in Capital City must have been jumping up and down on their desks in joy like chimps at the chance to suggest that Barça had bought their victory in the Camp Nou clash.

Cunningly passing over a dramatic penalty-producing tumble from Cristiano Ronaldo the previous week, both Marca and AS used the same ‘joke’ to suggest that referee Iturralde González was “Messi for the day” in the Argentinean player’s absence.

Sadly, the response was equally predictable in the Catalan camp, with their journalists either contractually obliged or under horrendous duress to talk utter nonsense in the face of the facts that Xavi simply fell on his Catalan *rse to win his penalty.

“Iturralde was correct on this occasion, although you can understand the Espanyol anger,” was the response from Mundo Deportivo’s Santi Nolla, once his knackers had been put into a vice by Joan Laporta.

Meanwhile, it was thumbscrews that did the job for Sport’s José Luis Carazo, who yelps that “it was a penalty! Baena pulled on Xavi’s shirt which made him fall to the floor.”

Gonzalo Higuaín

With Florentino Pérez being ludicrously childish, it probably annoys the heck out of the Real Madrid president that it is a Ramón Calderón signing that is the proper player of the season so far for the Castle Greyskull club.

And Florentino being fed-up can only be a very good thing.

Having being pushed to the sidelines at the start of the campaign, the Argentinean forward has now scored eight in eight in la Liga, the last two coming in Madrid’s admittedly impressive 3-2 win in Mestalla against Valencia.

The undrop-ability of Higuaín and an improved display from Karim Benzema means that it will continue to be a bad day for super sub Raúl.

However, the Madrid captain still has his sycophantic support in the shape of Marca’s Roberto Gómez, who attacked the Valencia crowd on Saturday night.

“Raúl returned and he deserves it. But above all, he deserves the respect of everyone, including the Valencia supporters who greeted him with unjustified boos and jeers.”

Ezequiel Garay

“I’ve no idea how I scored it. I almost didn’t see it go in,” admitted the scorer of Madrid’s winner in Mestalla.

Iker Muniain

There is a new challenger in town to Barcelona’s “mmm, we produce all our own players and are successful” insufferable smugness title.

And that’s Athletic Bilbao.

The Basque club’s two strikes in the 2-1 win over Zaragoza - in an awful game, by the way - came from their cantera in the form of Susaeta and San José.

However, both were created by the most promising young talent in la Liga - the Bojan curse, perhaps - Iker Muniain.

The player who will be turning 17 this weekend celebrated the signing of a seven-year contract with the club and a goal last weekend with two assists.

However, AS note that “the future star of Spanish football still needs a driver to get him to the training ground.”

Mallorca

“They should make a statue of Gregorio Manzano,” claim AS as Mallorca claimed their first away win of the season at Osasuna, that moves them into fifth with an astonishing 27 points.

Málaga

A point at Valladolid for Málaga in a 1-1 draw is just fine for the struggling Southern side, but it could have been a lot better had it not been for some insanely poor finishing.

And the blog is looking at you Mr Obinna.

Racing Santander

Almost in the Bad Day section having suffered the embarrassment of conceding two against Xerez in Sunday’s win, but back-to-back victories for the Cantabrian club sees Racing out of the relegation zone and into 15th.

Juan Albín

La Liga Loca has failed to see why a whole gaggle of clubs - mainly in Italy - would be interested in purchasing the Getafe forward, as most of his performances for the Coliseum club have been fairly indifferent.

However, the Uruguayan stepped up against Tenerife on Sunday and filled Roberto Soldado’s hole - metaphorically speaking - with two goals to move Getafe into 8th and halfway to safety with 21 points.

“We saw the best version of Albín today,” says Getafe manager Michel after a close encounter.

David Fuster

In a topic that La Liga Loca may develop later in the week, if it can muster the energy required, one of the themes of this season in Spain has been young, talented strikers coming to the fore.

Another one of these prepubescent Primeristas is Villarreal’s David Fuster, who rattled Atlético’s cage three times in the opening seven minutes before popping up with his side’s opener in the 2-1 win at the Vicente Calderón.

Sevilla

The Andalusian side are now in grinding rather than growling mode as they stumble towards the Christmas break, but pulled off a handy 1-0 win away at Sporting on Sunday night to move them back into third.

Bad Day

Atlético Madrid

Now that was funny.

Having got to the 91st minute mark holding a thoroughly undeserved 1-1 draw against Villarreal, Atleti decided that justice had to be done and allowed Joseba Llorente to rise like a half-hearted salmon to grab a winner for the visitors.

In a game where you could have sworn Diego Forlán wasn’t playing despite his name being on the team-sheet, Atlético were nowhere and so unrelentingly awful that Sport have penned an editorial simply called “Now what?”

Before the match, Quique Sánchez Flores warned that Atleti had far from made a full recovery and he was quite right to do so.

“It’s not easy to play at the Calderón,” sighed the manager after the defeat. “The fans are tired, fed up and impatient.”

And so is Mr President too, with news that Enrique Cerezo spent half-an-hour in the dressing room to “demand answers.”

La Liga Loca doubts that the rojiblanco plank even knew what the questions were.

Pepe

Oh dear. A season and potentially World Cup-ending cruciate ligament injury was the reward for Pepe’s efforts in Mestalla, on Saturday night.

“An injury that no-one wanted to see,” wrote a sympathetic Sport.

Espanyol

To be fair, it wasn’t just Madridista hacks who were jumping up and down like imbeciles at Xavi’s spectacular tumble in the Catalan derby - La Liga Loca was too at the thought at some fierce Perico fury from Paul from Barcelona.

“Like the Spanish bloke who called the police because the jazz concert he was at wasn't ‘jazzy’ enough, I too feel I should call the cops after witnessing a robbery on Saturday night.

It should be a slam dunk as there were 80,000 other witnesses too.

What a shambles football is becoming. My favourite quote comes from the big fraud himself, Xavi.

"It was a clear penalty, it's that you didn't see it". Indeed.

Needless to say, the ref then sent off Baena in the tunnel for telling him that he should "watch it again on TV." Genius

Some things I learned on Saturday night.

1) That Barça without Messi are there for the taking.
2) Pep is becoming the new Wenger. "I didn't see it, the player told me... and I believe him".... ad nauseum.
3) Ibra isn't as hard as Rongaclia. Fantastic touches but well lazy.
4) Nico Pareja was the best player on the pitch.
5) Espanyol played a million times better than last week and once everyone is back fit and healthy we'll be fine.
6) Message to other teams. Don't roll over and lie down. Get amongst them. In the words of Clive Dunn "They don't like it up ‘em".

I leave the last word to the normally not-so-bright Luis García who said "Barça don't have to win every time". Try telling that to the refs, Luis.”

Paul, Barcelona

Marcelino

The fans didn’t want it. The players didn’t want it. But the president and owner, who apparently both know best, did.

So that’s why Marcelino, the man who gave up a perfectly good job at Racing Santander to help Zaragoza out of la Segunda, has been sacked after just 14 league games in charge.

A club that La Liga Loca always used to quite like has now joined Betis on the blog hit-list. Along with Barça, Real Madrid, Atlético, Valencia, Depor.....

Xerez

The bottom-hugging team have already lost their Round 15 game against Barcelona even before the matchday begins.

That’s how bad Xerez are this season.

--------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

The Heart-Pounding Weekend Predictions - Round 14

Tim Stannard — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:00:00 GMT

Saturday

Zaragoza (17th) vs Athletic (8th)

Spanish sports station, Canal Plus, have decided that it would be a whizzy idea to wire up a flock of Primera coaches to monitors to see just how dangerously close their hearts come to exploding right through their rib cages during an average encounter in la Liga.

First up in this intriguing test was Sporting’s Manuel Preciado.

And the manager with the gravelly, tar-filled voice of a 50-a-day man did reasonably well with his most excitable upper limit being 117 beats a minute - the level of Ever Banega switching his laptop on.

Canal Plus then selected the mad-as-a-March-hare Joaquín Caparrós, and the Athletic boss very nearly blew a fuse in their fancy equipment with his heart rate spiking at 170, the moment when a late penalty was awarded to - and missed by - his side in last weekend’s defeat to Valencia.

“It’s screwed, I’m going to break it,” warned Caparrós before the monitor was taped over his over-stimulated heart - a heart that should have been working away at 80-110 BPM for a man of his weight and age.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Barcelona (1st) vs Espanyol (14th)

The absence of little Leo Messi from this weekend’s Espanyol clash at the Camp Nou sees the local press cranking their winge machines up to 11.

With Dynamo Kiev failing to grasp the Catalan concept of allowing the Barça player to remain unmolested to do whatever he pleases in Wednesday’s Champions League encounter, some rough treatment saw Messi limping from the frenetic fray.

Friday’s Sport moans that the only method sides have of stopping their superstar is by fouling him and noted that only nine of the supposed 15 fouls on the forward were punished.

“Stop the hunt of Messi,” is the declaration from the paper’s front page.

“If UEFA want the Champions League to be a spectacle, it has to protect the players who light it up with their talent,” grumbles Josep María Casanovas.

With the level of debate in the Spanish press being similar to that of a group of four year olds squabbling over a dumper truck in a sand pit, Marca’s editorial from Friday pipes up that “Cristiano deserves the same protection, too, that’s being demanded by Messi!”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Valencia (3rd) vs Real Madrid (2nd)

As to be expected from a polemical player who once took his own club to court because they were refusing to pick him, David Albeda has caused a bit of controversy in Spain this week.

The Valencia midfielder was keeping up a well-earned reputation for spikiness on Wednesday with his splendidly apt observation on Cristiano Ronaldo’s absence in Mestalla noting that: “we don’t have Silva and we’re not whining about it every day.”

With the average Real Madrid fan being as staggeringly pompous and humourless as those of the Barça-barmy persuasion, the faux-outrage from Castle Greyskull has been tremendous, with one Madridista tutting “how dare he!” to the blog on reading the midfielder’s dig.

It’s a sentiment echoed by professional buffoon Roberto Gómez in Marca - who has been in fine form this week - and accuses Albeda of “a lack of respect to Madridismo.”

And here endeth this week’s lesson from on high to the rest of la Liga in relation to Real Madrid and Barcelona: don’t tackle their players or be mean and nasty about them.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sunday

Valladolid (15th) vs Málaga (19th)

With Mrs Tiger Woods being a sister of Sweden, the news from Scandinavian parts this week is all about the seven-timing, shaft-grasping golfer whacking his wood up a number of alternative fairways.

But there’s still news of yet more evidence that elks are continuing their take-over of the country, or so says thelocal.se

“A drunken elk reportedly attacked a pedestrian in the Hölö district of Södertälje south of Stockholm on Tuesday, prompting a response from police.

"Police received a call about an aggressive elk shortly after 3pm, the local Länstidningen Södertälje (LT) newspaper reports.

"The elk was reportedly hiding behind a bakery when it suddenly attacked a passer-by, according to police, who asked from assistance from a game warden in dealing with the hostile animal.

“The game warden recognised the elk. It usually walks around and eats apples, gets drunk, and then gets aggressive,” police spokesperson Björn Engström told the newspaper.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Getafe (9th) vs Tenerife (12th)

Roberto Soldado is very much a “she loves me, she loves me not” kind of striker in the sense that he alternates between being utterly brilliant and flippin’ awful during the average game.

Often in a matter of seconds.

And this was the reason why Real Madrid offloaded the forward at the Coliseum club, with no desire to bring him back - unlike the situation with De la Red, Granero and Parejo.

But the player who has grabbed some 40 percent of Getafe’s goals in la Liga this season is out of action on Sunday due to suspension.

This leaves the goal-scoring duties to Manu del Moral, a footballer who alternates between being flippin’ awful and being flippin’ awful.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Racing Santander (18th) vs Xerez (20th)

It seems that Bernardo Schuster’s dream of being the part owner of a club that will be surely be relegated and bankrupt come May will remain unfulfilled.

Current Xerez owner Joaquín Morales has indicated that he will be flogging his majority shareholding to an Argentinean consortium who “will bring young, promising talent to Spain,” according to the Xerez bigwig.

Schuster is not best pleased at all with the outcome and complains in Thursday’s press that “I’m still not the owner. There’s a lot of dodgy geezers out there and it’s hard when you get people who don’t have football as their concern.

“Our project is a sporting one and nothing more,” added the former Real Madrid man with just a hint of a warning over who the new owners might be.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Almería (16th) vs Deportivo (5th)

If Canal Plus were to connect Miguel Angel Lotina to their heart monitor, they’d probably give up after a couple of minutes thinking that their batteries had gone flat.

It’s not that the Deportivo boss doesn’t have a heart - unlike Betis owner, Darth De Lopera - it’s that it beats very, very, very slowly indeed.

The Galiciain Lord of Doom rarely gets excited about anything, aside from refereeing decisions that often see him sent to his naughty corner in the stands.

Lotina even managed to see last week’s clash with Barcelona as a lose-lose situation for Deportivo, no matter what the result was in Riazor.

“Had we beaten Barcelona then it would have been difficult to control the euphoria, but the defeat means that we have to be careful not to drop our levels against Almería.”

“Cheer up Lotina! You’re doing fine! You’re in 5th place and with the strikers you’ve got... that’s enough,” was a comment from a Depor fan on Marca's site in what will almost certainly be a failed attempt to turn Lotina’s frown upside down.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Osasuna (10th) vs Mallorca (6th)

This is a clash between a Balearic side whose locals couldn’t give a flying fig about their astonishing season so far, and a club whose fans give everything they’ve got in backing their players.

The problem is that the Osasuna support takes “giving everything they’ve got” rather literally, considering that mobiles, cameras, metal olive-oil pots, coins and gobs of saliva are just a few examples of the kind of objects that are frequently lobbed onto the pitch in Pamplona in the direction of players, linesmen, photographers and anything that moves really.

In other supporter news, AS report that Real Madrid will be taking a whopping 315 fans to Mestalla for the weekend’s crunch game.

Maybe Mallorca’s support is not so bad after all?

LLL Prediction - Home win

Atlético Madrid (13th) vs Villarreal (11th)

The rojiblancos have made all the headlines in Spain this week by taking the strongest action imaginable in reaction to the Calderón club proudly becoming the worst Europa League qualifying side in Champions League history.

In a true deckchairs-on-the-Titanic moment, the club spent Thursday launching the official Atlético Madrid wine with club president Enrique Cerezo boasting that “wines with our brand are a mark of quality.”

And it is at this point that La Liga Loca invites the blog readership to send in their own predictable gags on the topic, but kicks things off by suggesting a sip of the Chateau Maniche 2007 - full bodied but little quality.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Sporting (7th) vs Sevilla (4th)

La Liga Loca suspected that the visit of Rangers to the Sanchez Pizjuán in the Champions League would help the home side get out of their footballing funk and it was right, although the 1-0 margin of victory was a little narrower than predicted.

But perhaps the most important aspect of the evening’s affair was the lack of trouble from the visiting Rangers fans, with a Belfast-born journalist telling the blog that the close connections between Sevilla and Celtic may have lit a fuse or two in the Andalusian city.

LLL Prediction - Away win

--------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Pep to make career-defining decision

Tim Stannard — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 10:30:00 GMT

On Wednesday night, Pep Guardiola must make the toughest choice of his short but astonishing managerial career: how to battle the incredible Ukrainian cold in Kyiv during Barcelona's Champions League clash with Dynamo.

Should he go for a super strong Arctic cardie to ward off the sub-zero conditions or a flowing overcoat?

Perhaps Pep will go with the head-protecting puffer jacket - Sport seem to think so - or strut about the technical area in a Tony Pulis-style shell suit and beanie hat.

Or maybe even dress as one of the X-Men, something La Liga Loca once suggested to the Dream Boys coach, with Pep responding encouragingly that he would definitely give the idea some consideration.

“Magneto looks pretty cool, too,” noted the comic-loving coach.

On the footballing front, Barcelona are facing a match where the Catalan club must win to ensure they finish top of their group, or even draw and hope that... er... some other stuff happens so that the holders avoid the likes of Manchester United and Chelsea in the next round - two teams that definitely give Sport the willies in Wednesday’s editorial.

Both that wretched rag and Mundo Deportivo have been particularly awful of late with every single, blinkin’ edition boasting that either Messi, Zlatan, Zlatan and Messi or Messi and Zlatan are really, really great.

So it's with some desperation that La Liga Loca is praying that Barcelona’s midget and big-nose forward line has an off day, just to give the world a break from even more fawning nonsense from the Barça-barmy press.

"To-ge-ther, we are beau-ti-ful..."

Speaking of fawning nonsense, the Madridista papers have lodged themselves so far up Cristiano Ronaldo’s jacksy that Tomás Roncero will soon be charged rent.

Madrid’s 3-1 win over Marseille and the Portuguese player’s admittedly brilliant brace has the AS columnist branding Ronaldo as “the Messiah of La Decima” and "The Chosen One.”

“He is so good that la Liga should ask permission for him to play in Mestalla on Saturday,” continues the Madridista mad man.

La Liga Loca half-knows where Roncero is coming from - which is a worrying thought - as Ronaldo’s second goal on Tuesday night was a treat, with the forward getting smashed in a Marseille sandwich between goalkeeper and defender but rolling like a Ninja-king to slot the ball into the back of the net with his first touch.

Marca’s headline boasts that Madrid are “champions of the moment and champions of their group,” although Roberto Gómez - he of the ‘Raúl should play every game’ philosophy - is now grumbling that the side is “over-dependent on Kaká,” - somewhat overlooking the fact that the team have won the last two games, scoring seven goals in the process, without the Brazilian god-botherer in the line-up.

Every paper has found time to point and laugh at Atlético Madrid’s 3-0 tonking by Porto in front of just 25,000 at the Vicente Calderón.

But despite their six games yielding just three points, three goals and 12 conceded, Atlético are somehow in the Europa League.

However, this hasn’t stopped Manuel Esteban in AS giving the Rojiblancos one in the goolies by suggesting that the side was “the worst in Champions League history coming from Spain,” and that the current players were “dumping on the history of the club.”

“The objective now is to avoid European humiliation influencing their form in la Liga,” noted a potentially senile FJ Díaz, who seems not to have noticed that Atleti suck in Spain, too.

--------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Raúl and Xerez - a match made in heaven

Tim Stannard — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 10:00:00 GMT

It was almost a year ago to the day that former Real Madrid president Ramón Calderón carved part of La Liga Loca’s soul out with a rusty chisel by sacking Bernd Schuster as punishment for winning the league title.

Since that moment, the blog has only had fleeting contact with the moustachioed man at the odd Getafe game.

But even that tiny pleasure has been snatched away by The Man and HIS LAWS after the day when La Liga Loca INNOCENTLY asked the beautiful Bernado for a lock of his hair and a used tissue.

But the former manager, who describes himself as being an Andalusian German - something that implies an enormous alcohol intake - is set to return to the bright lights by chipping in to buy out bottom-dwellers Xerez.

Having (and been sacked by) the struggling side between 2001 and 2003, Schuster has never forgotten his titanic time in one of the looniest corners of Spain and is reportedly fronting a consortium that will fork out €2.5 million to buy the club’s shares and save it from administration.

Marca reports that a further €3 million will then be invested over the winter transfer window to fund an armada of former Schuster favourites to help steer Xerez out of the bottom three and perhaps score the odd goal or two along the way.

Meanwhile, Schuster’s former club Real Madrid will be in action on Tuesday night in what the local papers are branding “a hell” in Marseille - although to be fair to the French club, any ground where spectators actually support their team and do more than rustle their €2000 wax jackets in irritation is considered some kind of inferno by the Madridista mob.

“They are one of the most violent supporters in Europe,” gasps Marca, failing to note where Real Madrid’s Ultras rate in this chart - ‘fans’ who reportedly took part in the violence in Vienna last Thursday during Athletic Bilbao’s Europa League clash.

Either that or the local hooligans have a perfect grasp of Spanish and a ready supply of pre-constitutional Francoist flags.

AS are complaining that the Marseille man who knacked Cristiano Ronaldo’s ankle in their Champions League fixture at the Bernabeu, Souleymane Diawara, has said that he would do the same again if required on Tuesday night.

“What really offends me is his lack of respect to Madrid, who are the Kings of Europe,” splutters a raging Tomás Roncero in reply.

Marca’s main columnist has his finger on the pulse (of a corpse) by tutting that Raúl was only used as a substitute in the Camp Nou clash and didn’t see any action at all against Almería - the first time this season that he has failed to feature in a Madrid game he was selected for.

“It was the biggest humiliation ever seen for a player, and above all a captain,” complained Gómez, who's more disappointed that there has been complete disinterest from the Madridista fraternity regarding the plight of the club captain.

“Nobody said anything, nobody protested,” ranted Roberto, perhaps unaware that that few actually give a flying fig about Raúl these days.

"...and if you can just make your way to the door over there"

El País see the sparing use of the striker as a dastardly plot from Florentino Pérez, someone who has never been a fan of the footballer, to force Raúl to break his contract a year or two early, sling his sulking hook and save the club a good €14 million a year in his salary.

“Come in No.7, your time is up” is the current vibe from Castle Greyskull, despite the protestations from Raúl’s dwindling number of supporters.

But La Liga Loca has some good news for the club captain - there may be a gig going in Xerez, a side that could use a legend at a loose end.

--------------------------------------------
FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Round 13

Tim Stannard — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:00:00 GMT

Weekend results: Deportivo La Coruna 1-3 Barcelona, Real Madrid 4-2 Almeria, Sevilla 1-1 Valladolid, Xerez 0-2 Atletico Madrid, Athletic Bilbao 1-2 Valencia, Espanyol 0-4 Racing, Malaga 1-1 Osasuna, Mallorca 4-1 Zaragoza, Tenerife 2-1 Sporting, Villarreal 3-2 Getafe.

Good Day

Cristiano Ronaldo, Leo Messi

There will some hand-wringing, bed-wetting, ivory tower-living, liberal types out there tutting and fretting about Cristiano Ronaldo and his wicked ways on Saturday day.

Stuff ‘em, says La Liga Loca.

What wasn't there to enjoy about the Real Madrid man’s Almería rumble?

It had goals, nudity and violence - three very good things in the blog’s wicked world.

Tomas Guasch is quite right in Monday’s AS when he asks whether “you are all going to wag your fingers if Elsa Pataky takes her top off and gets her breasts out?

"And why not? Cristiano did the same: the joy that both men and women feel when seeing his fantastic chest out in the fresh air should not be punished.”

Cristiano’s zany sporting stylings, of course, gave the writers supporting the world’s smuggest club an arms cache of ammo to take pot shots at their Madridista neighbours.

Especially as it all came on the same weekend when King Goody-Two-Shoes, Leo Messi, scored a brace against Deportivo and picked up his Ballon d’Or trophy in Paris.

“There are no Ferraris, nor diamond earrings,” writes Joan Vehils in Sport. “He’s always been a good kid and an exemplary footballer.”

La Liga Loca has two words for you, Joan: Tiger Woods.

Personally, the blog imagines Messi returning home to his Buffalo Bill-style nutty room every evening, before climbing into his hamster skin suit.

Mallorca

Home ties against Xerez, Tenerife, Valladolid, Getafe, Racing, Almería and Zaragoza would all have been considered very winnable for a middling Mallorca at the beginning of the season.

However, such matches would normally be scattered about the fixture list.

This season, Mallorca have been able to face these encounters back-to-back, and it has led to a remarkable record of seven home wins from seven in the Ono Estadi.

But once again, the problem is that there are only seven people in the stands going to watch what has been a remarkably efficient campaign so far for Gregorio Manzano’s men.

Manucho

A goal to win a handy point for Valladolid against Sevilla means that the former Manchester United man is now one giant step nearer his season’s target of 40 super strikes.

Just 38 to go.

Sergio Canales

An excellent cameo against Real Madrid and two strikes for Racing in their 4-0 win over Espanyol has got tongues a’waggin’ in Spain about this particular 18-year-old.

The Cantabrian player stopped a rot of four straight defeats for his side as well as scoring some of the first goals for Racing in the same pathetic period.

Santi Cazorla

The pouch-faced magician of Villarreal had only been on the pitch two minutes, having returned from injury, before scoring an equalising goal for his team.

The midfielder flicked the ball up and then wellied it past Oscar Ustari in the Getafe goal to set up a 3-2 win in a match where Villarreal were not only 2-1 down at one point, but with one man less after the somewhat harsh sending off of Cani.

“This team has spirit,” notes Ernesto Valverde as he saw Villarreal move into mid-table.

Valencia

After last week’s mess-up against Mallorca, La Liga Loca was expecting another capitulation against Athletic on Sunday night.

But Valencia came through in San Mamés thanks to a late goal from Frenchie defender Jeremy Mathieu, who was lingering outside the box like a Parisian next to a brothel.

Atlético Madrid

“Atlético are back!” trumpets F. Javier Díaz in Sunday’s AS after a 0-2 win against Xerez.

"No, no they’re not" is La Liga Loca’s resigned reply.

A win against Espanyol - see Bad Day section - and a victory against a team with just seven points and four goals to their name does not a recovery make.

Bad Day

Espanyol

It’s déja-vu all over again with Espanyol in horrible form and fans calling for the heads of just about everyone.

Here’s Paul from Barcelona to tell us all about what many would describe as a disappointing 4-0 home defeat to Racing.

“Quite simply, the worst performance from any professional team in any sport in Europe, this weekend.

"Well done to the largest away following we've seen, this season. Hope you enjoyed the present we gave you.

"Have a few quid on a six or seven goal mauling next week (away to Barcelona. Oh dear. LLL)”

Paul, Barcelona

Sevilla

A Champions League defeat against Unirea and four dropped points in piece of p*ss home ties against Málaga and Valladolid sees a wholly lacklustre Sevilla on the crest of a slump at the moment and desperate for their winter break.

“It was a bad game, they were better and I’m the one to blame,” shrugged manager Manolo Jiménez after the 1-1 draw against Valladolid.

Fortunately, Sevilla have the mother of all pick-me-ups to give their pencil some wood on Wednesday night - Rangers at home.

Almería

Although La Liga Loca felt Saturday’s visitors to the Bernabeu gave a fine second half display to take a 2-1 lead against a slumbering Real Madrid, the very glum goalscorer Kalu Uche told the blog after the game that:

“When we were 2-1 up we lost concentration, thinking ‘hey, we are winning’.

"But when you are playing teams like Real Madrid and Barcelona you have to keep fighting until the referee blows the final whistle.”

Zaragoza

A 4-1 defeat at the hands of Mallorca sees Zaragoza really, really in trouble now.

The side have never quite recovered from the opening day injury to striker - and Kalu's brother - Ikechuwku Uche.

Just one win in eight now sees Marcelino’s men crawling about in the bottom four like a night-blind Maniche looking for a dropped Mars Bar.

Málaga

A home point against Osasuna thanks to a late equaliser from the potty-mouthed Apoño, but still without a win since their opening day tonking of Atlético Madrid.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

NEW! Stats: La Liga results, fixtures & table
La Liga Loca home
Blogs home
Latest Spain news
News home
Interviews home
Forums home
FourFourTwo.com home
Follow La Liga Loca on Twitter
Follow FFT.com on Twitter

The Breast-Feeding Weekend Predictions - Round 13

Tim Stannard — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:00:00 GMT

Weekend fixtures: Sevilla vs Valladolid, Xerez vs Atletico Madrid, Real Madrid vs Almeria, Deportivo La Coruna vs Barcelona, Tenerife vs Sporting, Espanyol vs Racing, Mallorca vs Zaragoza, Malaga vs Osasuna, Villarreal vs Getafe, Bilbao vs Valencia.

Saturday

Sevilla (3rd) vs Valladolid (15th)

The next round of the comedy Copa del Rey was drawn this week, and it was a round that was totally free and open this time, apparently.

Free and open in the ‘higher ranked sides at the time of the draw get to play their first leg games away from home’ sense, that is.

After all, who wants pikey riffraff like Getafe getting through to the final again?

The most intriguing of the eight ties is Sevilla’s clash with Barcelona, and it produced sneakily-recorded footage of Freddie Kanouté on the phone to Carles Puyol - or having a bit of a jape, perhaps - and telling him that he will be done like a Catalan kipper when the two sides meet in January.

Poor old Alcorcón were hoping for either of the aforementioned Big Boys as reward for their rogering of Real Madrid, but have been handed run-of-the-mill Racing Santander instead.

“It’s a long coach trip,” was the bleak message from the crestfallen players to AS when the draw was announced.

Still, they displayed more knowledge about their opponents than Alcorcón president Esteban Márquez, who admitted that “I don’t know anything about Racing. The truth is I don’t really understand football.”

So, there you go. A club run by a president who knows naff all about what he is supposedly in charge of.

Maybe Real Madrid and Alcorcón have more in common after all?

LLL Prediction - Home win

Xerez (20th) v Atlético Madrid (17th)

Recently, a letter was poked into La Liga Loca’s pigeonhole demanding payment for a brand new “refuse collection tax” that looked suspiciously like a sly, sneaky way of raising funds to pay for Madrid’s ludicrous Olympic bid and the billions lost by local politicians in corruption.

So, like much of the rest of the city’s population, the blog gave the letter the finger and went about its business.

But that was until an even angrier, legal-sounding missive arrived soon after like a Harry Potter Howler, all to chase a debt worth about €24.

And this led La Liga Loca to pondering over a pomegranate tea HOW IN ALL THAT IS FRACKIN’ HOLY Atlético Madrid have racked up a €200 million debt to the taxman without anyone apparently doing a FRACKIN’ THING about it!

That’s not even mentioning the club’s refusal to sell Kun Agüero - something that could fill a few potholes, no doubt.

And the blog definitely isn’t going into the other financial revelation made by the club this week that Gil-spawn, Miguel Angel, takes a near million euro salary for his role as Delegate General while schools go unheated, orphans go hungry and La Liga Loca gets inane letters from a busted *rse, morally and financially bankrupt city council.

LLL Prediction - Home win (more in hope, than reality)

Real Madrid (2nd) v Almería (13th)

Some poor hack at Marca probably spent his childhood dreaming of a journalistic life spent uncovering corruption and capturing evil doers.

Writing about the launch of a new line of Real Madrid underwear and describing it as “the first time this has happened in history,” probably featured little.

Unsurprisingly, the chance to gaze at pretty ladies in their smalls has led to massive coverage pretty much across the board in Spain, with even Pepe grinning that “the girls who came out were pretty hot.”

Most importantly of all, the story has given more gags to La Liga Loca than it knows what to do with.

(Starts comedy music on CD player) Madridistas will be able to get their hands on some ‘Pepe pants’ - guaranteed to drop to the ground at the slightest of touches, or the Marcelo cheek-free boxers - undies that offer no support at the back whatsoever.

And then there’s the top-selling Guti knickers - beneath the thinnest of layers you come across the biggest of c...(ENOUGH! FFT Editor)

LLL Prediction - Home win

Deportivo (5th) vs Barcelona (1st)

Although the Madridista press made a fine attempt at getting over the 1-0 defeat at the Camp Nou by pretending that Real actually won the Catalan encounter, there was still a tinge of sadness lying just beneath the bold bravado.

But that glimmer of gloom was soon wiped out by some tremendous photos that were published portraying the King of Catalunya, Joan Laporta, dancing like a diva in a fancy disco to celebrate Sunday’s victory of the forces of all that is good in the world over the Castle Greyskull outfit.

However, the Barcelona president is not looking his brilliant best being somewhat sweaty and having been soaked to the skin in booze.

Whilst this was material enough for a potential peetake in the Spanish capital, what really got Madridista juices flowing was the sight of a limbo-dancing Laporta with a bottle of €100 French champagne in hand.

And not a bottle of famous Catalan Cava.

“I’d have had Cava with me,” snooted Juame Guixà, a gentleman who has just announced his intentions to run in next year’s Barça presidential elections.

Now, Laporta could have had a good-natured chuckle at the incident and moved on.

Instead, being as paranoid and humourless as they come, Joan trotted out the familiar line of “the Spanish media cavern trying to destabilise Barcelona and...and...”

LLL Prediction - Draw

Sunday

Tenerife (16th) vs Sporting (7th)

Only one thing could knock Mrs Tiger Woods off the news charts in Sweden this week.

And that’s a breast-feeding man, so says thelocal.se

“Ragnar Bengtsson, 26, has failed in his high profile bid to pump forth milk from his breasts.

"But there is some consolation for the self-styled "Milkman," who is winging his way to the United States this week for an appearance on The Tyra Banks Show.

"Bengtsson's milk race began with a bang in early September as he set about pumping his breasts on a three-hourly basis.

"The unorthodox sight of a young dad with a machine pressed to his nipples became part of daily life at Stockholm University, as the economics student endeavoured to do his bit for gender equality.

"But ultimately, the experiment failed, with Bengtsson unable to live up to the name of his blog: 'The Milkman - One Drop at a Time'.

"On Tuesday at 9pm, he returns to the TV8 studio and the Aschberg show where it all began for a final look back at a trial considered intriguing and brave by some, but sickening and unnatural by many others.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Espanyol (11th) vs Racing Santander (19th)

Being the president of Cantabria simply isn’t thrilling enough to keep the easily bored Miguel Angel Revilla happy, it seems.

Earlier this season, the cow-loving crazy picked a fight with Joan Laporta - a very easy thing to do - and he is at it again by slamming local football side Racing for their summer signings.

“Who are the morons who made them?” asked Revilla during the week.

Defender, Pablo Pinillos, responded by pointing out that “declarations like this don’t help solve our problems.”

LLL Predictions - Home win

Mallorca (6th) vs Zaragoza (14th)

There’s been yet more skullduggery in the Balearic badlands this week, with the club’s accounts being leaked to Marca - a paper that was more than pleased to publish them.

And they revealed that Mallorca manager Gregorio Manzano is being paid €1.8 million a year with his number two getting a hefty €295,000.

Considering that both are keeping Mallorca near the top of the table despite the side’s best players being sold every summer and much of the squad lucky to get their monthly wage, La Liga Loca feels that Manzano is worth every cent.

However, this has not stopped some criticism from those who feel that these salaries are flights of fancy for a club some €40 million in debt and desperately struggling to make ends meet.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Málaga (18th) vs Osasuna (10th)

By scheduling this particular encounter at 5pm rather than the more telegenic 9pm, la Liga’s big cheeses are missing a trick as it is going to be a humdinger of hubris, a virtuoso display of vengeful violence.

The combination of Osasuna being Osasuna - brilliantly filthy - and a Málaga smashing their way out of trouble at the bottom of the table means that it will be card-city down south on Sunday afternoon.

LLL Prediction - Home win (six off)

Villarreal (12th) vs Getafe (9th)

Having grown tired of booing manager’s son Adrían, the dwindling Coliseum crowd following Getafe have now taken to giving star summer signing Danny Parejo the same treatment.

This has not made Getafe president Angel Torres a happy bunny at all considering the side is having one of its best starts to the season in the top flight.

“You don’t have the right to do everything you want,” claimed a growling Torres who attacked fans and warned that they “can’t boo a player from the first minute of a game.”

Unless it is Roberto Soldado, perhaps.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Athletic Bilbao (8th) vs Valencia (4th)

Despite the Spanish enjoying nothing more than making fun of hapless Atlético Madrid, there was some sympathy for the Calderón club when it had to play a Champions League match against PSV behind closed doors last season, due to crowd control issues during the group opener against Marseille.

Since that point, UEFA - and especially Michel Platini - have been largely viewed as ham-hating froggies hell-bent on ruining the game in Spain.

So, it is no surprise that Marca have called for the strongest of sanctions against Austria Vienna after a group of Ultras invaded the pitch 20 minutes into the second half of Thursday’s Europa Cup clash with the visitors 2-0 up.

“They interrupted the match with numerous flares and soon after, they invaded the pitch,” writes Santiago Segurola on trouble which Marca claims came about through a number of hooligans from clubs such as Stuttgart and Lazio ganging together against Athletic by producing pre-constitution Spanish flags and waving banners with messages such as ‘Viva Franco’.

After a 25 minute delay, the game continued with Athletic eventually running out 3-0 winners and qualifying for the next round of the competition.

But Marca remain unmoved by the positive end to the affair.

“According to their own doctrine, just one of the many flares or fascist banners that were on display constituted enough motive to have suspended the game,” said Friday’s editorial which calls for an explanation into why the show went on in the Austrian capital.

LLL Predictions - Away win

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Barça's late show, Titi's wheels & Karim's plan

Tim Stannard — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:45:00 GMT

If there’s a reason why La Liga Loca is feeling especially cranky and crazed, today, it’s because it was up until the ungodly hour of MIDNIGHT watching Xerez and Barcelona hoof the ball about an athletics track for an hour-and-a-half before all going home.

As part of the game in Spain’s ongoing campaign to make the car-driving commuters of the land even blearier and beepier than normal of a morning, Wednesday’s squeezed-in encounter between the two sides bookending la Primera began at 10 frackin’ pm.

And if anyone out there feels that this is just the blog having yet another moan and groan and refusing to do in Rome what the Romans do, then they’d be quite right to.

But bear in mind that Pep is with La Liga Loca all the way. And Pep is The Truth.

“There are problems with recovering the next day and maintaining the right eating habits,” complained the Don of the Dream Boys, who would have got back to the Catalan capital around 4am on Thursday before having to prepare his players for their doom-laden date with Deportivo on Saturday night.

The trip to Xerez was Barcelona’s Round 15 encounter, moved forward a couple of weeks to accommodate the club’s match-up with New Zealand’s finest in the World Club Championship at the end of the month.

And the combination of a god-awful pitch and an opposition side who offered as much threat to Barça’s goal as Maniche does to a salad meant that the Wednesday wash-out was a scrappy affair and not sealed until the final moments with Zlatan Ibrahimovic grabbing the Catalan club’s second of the night.

However, the under-par performance from the league leaders has done nothing to dampen the giddy spirits of the local press, with Sport boasting that “this Barcelona has the solution for everything.”

“They played a practical game,” sighed Catalan columnist Josep María Casanovas.

Mundo Deportivo refer to Thierry Henry’s opener – celebrated in such a petulant, sulky style that it made you want to repeatedly run the Frenchman over in a 2CV – by praising the “hand of a saint.”

“Against the evident limitations of Ziganda’s team, there was no football, no good play,” shrugged Josep Artells, whose overall vibe is relief rather than rapture.

While the Barcelona papers have had beating Real Madrid, Xerez and Leo Messi’s magic week to pore over, the Madridista press has had nothing. Zip. Nada. Rien.

And this is precisely why Thursday’s AS leads with the completely ludicrous, probably bulls**t, but tremendously homoerotic story that Cristiano Ronaldo does 3000 abdominal scrunches a day.

“Superman Cristiano!” screams the headline on the front page with the article panting that how to have the body of Cristiano Ronaldo is “one of the most asked questions on the internet” (although a La Liga Loca colleague adds “where can I see Rachel Stevens naked?”).

Still, better than Wednesday’s effort from AS, which boasted that Real Madrid have “activated an adaption plan” for Karim Benzema to help him out of his current French funk – which peaked in the early hours of Monday morning when the misfiring forward displayed the same accuracy with his shots as his driving.

The eggheads at Castle Greyskull have decided it might help to get Benzema out of the hotel he has been living in since his arrival from Lyon, and arrange for some Spanish language classes.

Benzema has been with the club for five months.

The benefits of the language lessons, explain the paper, are that he can speak to his colleagues, join in with the jokes being made at the expense of his expanding girth and – best of all – “understand tactical instructions” from Manuel Pellegrini.

The blog wonders how hard it can be to understand the words “price,” “35 million,” “hopeless,” “donkey,” “Negredo,” and “better.”

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

La Liga’s sack race: Who's for the chop?

Tim Stannard — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 10:30:00 GMT

Atlético Madrid are not wholly unlike dogs in that they run to a completely different time scale as the rest of the known universe.

Whereas one human year supposedly represents seven for our canine buddies, just one week at the Vicente Calderón is roughly two months in the real, non-rojiblanco world.

This does beg the question of whether a transfixed Guti gormlessly gazing at shiny bits of paper for an hour feels just like a single minute for the mind-muddled midfielder.

Or whether 45 minutes of a Deportivo game is akin to a millennium of torment in a particularly nasty dimension of hell.

That was certainly the case for the poor saps from the sporting press that sat through the opening half of the Galician side’s game at Racing, on Sunday.

“Deplorable” muttered a dumbstruck Marca in their match report of the thrilling 1-0 away win.

It is this cunning concept that all time is relative that sees Quique Sánchez Flores at the top of La Liga Loca’s latest Sack Race chart, despite having only been manager at Atlético Madrid for what feels like a matter of minutes.

But in that snapshot of history, the former Valencia man has delivered just the one league win - Sunday’s 4-0 victory over Espanyol - and a passable display against Marbella in the Copa del Rey.

Anything less than three points for the latest Atlético chump against the mighty Xerez on Sunday and it could be curtains for poor Quique after just six weeks (12 months in Atleti-time) on the job.

Like having 10,000 spoons when all you want is a knife, it’s ironic that it's Xerez boss Cuco Ziganda second on the blog’s roll-call of ridicule.

His club have sunk to the faecally-festered bottom of la Primera having picked up just seven points from 12 games and managed a measly four league goals all season.

To be fair, there was nothing that the boggle-eyed boss could have done to stop the rot at one of the most poorly-prepared sides in the top flight - the aforementioned Atleti excluded, of course - and Xerez are also on the brink of going into administration.

However, as Real Madrid continue to demonstrate, rationality and reason have little influence in la Liga when it comes to managerial matters.

Although newly-promoted Real Zaragoza are sitting in 14th and will probably be comfortable at the end of the current campaign, there are rumblings in AS that Marcelino’s coaching alarm clock may already be about to ring.

The former Racing man took a voluntary drop in division by leaving Racing to take over at La Romareda in the summer of 2008 and managed to lead Zaragoza back to the top flight at the first attempt.

But AS is a-nudgin' and a-winkin' that just one win in the last nine league and cup games and the failure to beat the likes of Valladolid, Racing and Osasuna at home has prompted furious fans to hop on the back of their suffering subject.

There is a huddle of the hopeless sheltering for warmth just behind these three front-runners - a huddle made up of the tremendously uninteresting José Luis Orta at Tenerife and Juan Ramón López Muñiz at a slowly recovering Málaga.

La Liga Loca is praying for the latter to be given the chop, some time soon, simply because his name is unbelievably tough to type.

Sack Race Odds
Quique Sánchez Flores (Atlético)...........5-1
Cuco Ziganda (Xerez).............................6-1
Marcelino (Zaragoza)............................12-1
José Luis Orta (Tenerife).......................14-1
Juan Ramón López Muñiz (Racing)......14-1
Manuel Pellegrini (Real Madrid)............20-1
Michael Laudrup (Real Madrid future)...40-1

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Real Madrid bask in victory over Barcelona

Tim Stannard — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:30:00 GMT

WEEKEND RESULTS Sat Nov 28: Sevilla 2-2 Málaga, Valencia 1-1 Mallorca, Sporting Gijón 1-0 Villarreal Sun Nov 29: Atlético Madrid 4-0 Espanyol, FC Barcelona 1-0 Real Madrid, Racing Santander 0-1 Deportivo La Coruña, Real Zaragoza 0-1 Osasuna, Getafe 5-1 Xerez, Real Valladolid 3-3 CD Tenerife, Almería 1-4 Athletic Bilbao

It’s entirely possible that La Liga Loca was hallucinating - fresh air and too many pork-based products can do that to the blog’s delicate constitution - but it's convinced that it watched Real Madrid lose to Barcelona on Sunday night.

Indeed, it had the same sensation about a year ago after a 2-0 Camp Nou defeat for the Castle Greyskull club.

However, after returning to Capital City and strumming through Monday’s and Tuesday’s local press it would appear that, like last year, Real Madrid pulled off a glorious victory over Pep’s weeping Dream Boys.

For that reason, the blog has decided to contract either Marca or AS as its official publicist.

Within days La Liga Loca will have been elevated to Pulitzer Prize-winning status, with a bevy of local beauties having being bedded in the process.

“A taste of victory!” claims Monday’s Marca, whose editorial gives Ronaldo eight points in a Eurovision-style weekend rating system topped by both Pepe and Carles Puyol.

There is no space at all for Zlatan Ibrahimovic, whom Barcelona fans are laughably claiming as having scored the winning goal in the weekend's encounter.

The entire Barcelona support have been given ‘nul points’ as punishment for one Camp Nou miscreant who shined a laser pen at two Real Madrid players - a story followed up on in Tuesday’s press.

Still, there’s time to applaud the 700 “brave Madridistas” who crossed swollen rivers, climbed ravines and fought trolls to sit on their arses for 90 minutes watching a game of football in a perfectly nice stadium.

Inside the same edition, Eduardo Inda appears to be fairly upset at the pressure having been taken off Manuel Pellegrini, with a rather unpleasant cartoon depicting the Third-Choice Chilean crawling out of his grave.

The paper’s editor had begun his one-man campaign against the Castle Greyskull Terrahawk with 10 good reasons why Pellegrini should be sacked. A smattering of victories saw this hit list reduced to just seven reasons.

Sunday’s glorious victory now sees Inda doing the journalistic equivalent of a sullen shrug and a sulky sniff.

To show that Spain really is one great country united by a love of sangria and shouting at each other, the papers in Catalunya seem to have been drinking from the funny fountain too, by being vaguely nice about Real Madrid for once.

“Madrid played their best game but couldn’t impose themselves on a group of heroes who know how to entertain and suffer,” said Santi Nolla sympathetically in Mundo Deportivo, despite his side’s defeat.

“We saw a great Madrid, playing a serious game,” soothed an apron-wearing, cupcake-cooking Josep María Casanovas in Sport.

But life got better on Tuesday for both Barça-barmy papers with the announcement that little Leo Messi is the winner of France Football’s Ballon d’Or - a prize that the Spanish really do care about, which is in sharp contrast to the normal mixture of indifference and total disdain for anything that comes from that particular country loafing about somewhere north of the Pyrenees.

The Barcelona player trounced Cristiano Ronaldo in the voting to become the trophy's first Argentine winner - a fact that seemed so odd, La Liga Loca actually checked it and found out that the award was only given to European players before 1995.

AS feature the minute magician on their front cover, but only in a teenie, tiny photo in the top corner opposite an advert for potions that can help gentlemen with (cough) downstairs issues.

Inside, editor Alredo Relaño argues that the announcement of the prize came too late for the paper - not too late to pen and publish an editorial it seems - and muses with some justification that perhaps Xavi was equally deserving of the trinket.

Marca’s focus on Tuesday is on the evil-doer from the Camp Nou who shone a laser light into the faces of both Pepe and Cristiano Ronaldo - something that an alert television editor did extremely well to spot on Sunday night.

“This laser causes injuries!” shouts the front cover with a picture of the offending item that appears to be the size and shape of a lightsabre.

Nevertheless, it would seem that a number of Real Madrid players were fortunate indeed to come away from Sunday’s Clásico encounter with both their eyesight and all three points.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

The Mother-Insulting Weekend Predictions - Round 12

Tim Stannard — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 10:00:00 GMT

Saturday

Sporting (7th) vs Villarreal (11th)

Giuseppe Rossi’s agent claimed this week that his client could well make a summer move away from Villarreal and... and... and... sorry.

Stuff el clásico, as La Liga Loca is already so, so bored even before it has kicked off.

And Giuseppe Rossi’s agent can do one too, while we are at it.

The really, really big news this week is the apparent definition of what it truly means to be Swedish, according to a potty-mouthed politician during a debate that is detailed in thelocal.se

“A Green Party politician from southern Sweden is defending the use of sex organ slang during a local council debate about Swedishness.

"The remarks by Sofia Bothorp, which have brought her both praise and ridicule, came during a session of the local council in Karlskrona in southern Sweden.

"During the debate, Bothorp sought to praise what she saw as a particularly Swedish acceptance of freedom of expression, in particular when it came to discussion of sex.

"According to Bothorp, part of being Swedish is being able to “l**k p***y in the morning and s**k c**k in the evening if you want to.”

Indeed.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Valencia (4th) vs Mallorca (6th)

Joaquín plays for Valencia. Joaquín once played for Betis, too.

And it’s to Betis where La Liga Loca must go straight away, as life continues to go from bad to worse for the second division Andalusian club.

Last week, the blog reported that fans had invaded a training session in protest against the side’s recent lousy form.

Well, a 3-0 defeat to mighty Elche saw 30 supporters welcome the players to training the following Monday by shouting nifty slogans such as “you don’t feel the colours!”

On the same day, a campaign began on t’internet called “29N, I’m not watching Betis” calling for fans to enter the ground 20 minutes late after a pre-match protest.

However, the pompously-named “Federation of Betis fan groups” has failed to throw its significant weight behind the initiative arguing that “Betis fans have always been known for supporting and backing their team.”

The week ended in Seville with a dark cloud hovering over the Betis training camp and a sense of fear and dread in the air.

Club owner, Darth de Lopera, had ascended from his winter home in hell, and come to visit the squad to tell them that they are “a quality team that needs to shut a few mouths.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (3rd) vs Málaga (20th)

After last Sunday’s insanity against Zaragoza, the Málaga players have spent the week feeling very sorry for themselves, indeed, thanks to their sensationally shameful behaviour in the final stages of the 1-1 draw.

Midfielder Apoño was caught gobbing in the face of a somewhat shocked opponent and managed to find time to racially abuse Zaragoza striker, Ewerthon.

“It happened after he insulted my mother,” explained the Málaga man - an excuse that is pretty weak considering pretty much every insult in Spain involves someone’s mother or doing an unmentionable deed in your enemy’s milk.

Nut job defender Weligton was another footballer looking for salvation after Sunday’s elbow-inspired sending off.

“I’ve got to be a bit smarter and not lose my rag,” admitted the Brazilian stopper who is now serving a one match ban.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sunday

Valladolid (15th) vs Tenerife (16th)

Of all the club presidents in La Liga, Valladolid’s Carlos Suarez is by far the least objectionable.

Although that’s not saying a great deal considering his top-flight colleagues are comprised of the odd criminal, a smattering of megalomaniacs and a gaggle of ‘creative accountants’.

This week, the former basketball player was on local radio joking that he may take advantage of the visit of Sporting and their usual 6,000 fans in round 15 of la Liga by whacking the ticket prices up to “90 euros.”

Continuing in his jolly, jovial mood Suarez also had a good giggle at poor old Atlético and astutely noted that “they’re in a crisis, with their budget and wanting to be in the top three and being at the bottom.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Getafe (9th) vs Xerez (19th)

For some utterly unfathomable reason, Russian league champions Rubin Kazan are under the mistaken impression that Getafe striker Roberto Soldado is a) any good and b) would be delighted by the prospect of trudging around Siberia in sub-zero temperatures.

The hit-and-miss forward - with miss being the key component, here - is thought to be a winter transfer target for the commie club, although Getafe manager, Michel, claims that “I notice he’s not learning Russian, at the moment.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Racing (17th) vs Deportivo (5th)

It wasn’t just in Eastenders where Deportivo striker Riki! suffered endless torment and misery. It’s in La Liga, too.

The gravity-challenged forward has now been handed two yellow cards in successive games for ‘simulation’ in the box. And both of them looked as fair as curtains, too.

“The problem with Riki is that he doesn’t know how to fall over,” explained Lord of Doom and Deportivo boss, Miguel Angel Lotina. “It’s quite difficult to teach this.”

LLL Prediction - Away win

Almería (13th) vs Athletic (8th)

After giving them a bit of a whiff and wave out the window, it’s time for La Liga Loca to pull on it’s sensible trousers, once again, for an update of the ‘Basque politics meets Spanish football’ clash of the titans.

Last week, the blog reported that the Basque Parliament had passed a resolution calling for the return of the national football side to the region.

The immediate reaction from the likes of Athletic and Real Sociedad was icey to say the least.

However, there has been some movement up north with lower league side Barakaldo requesting that Spain’s U21 side play a game in their stadium with AS predicting that it could well be next March’s clash with Liechtenstein.

“Everything that puts money in the bank is welcome,” shrugged Miguel Acero, the Barakaldo president.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Zaragoza (14th) vs Osasuna (12th)

At last, the real Osasuna is back.

At the start of the season, La Liga Loca felt that something wasn’t quite right in the Pamplonan paradise. The club was just being too polite.

But that approach was thrown out on the window last weekend in the home defeat to Valencia.

It was a game that saw a linesman being hit by a sandwich (not funny, of course) and produced two red cards for Osasuna - the second of which came from Flaño literally booting his opponent into the air with no attempt whatsoever to get the ball.

Wonderful stuff.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Barcelona (2nd) vs Real Madrid (1st)

This week, poor Royston Drenthe was spotted wandering around a football pitch looking lost, bothered and bewildered.

But for once, there wasn’t a game going on around him.

Instead the left-winger had lost his diamond earrings on one of the Valdebebas training pitches.

However, after a good half an hour spent paying enormous attention to grass, the Dutchman could only locate one and gave up the other as lost, losing a cool €6,000 in the process.

Meanwhile, it has been revealed that Lady Gago is either a dreamy, sensitive soul or a huge girl’s blouse, depending on which way your crumpet it cut.

The Argentine’s agent has commented that his client is seeking a loan deal in Italy as the good Lady appears to be well and truly out of Manuel Pellegrini’s plans, at the moment.

But even better than that, Marcelo Lombilla also claims that whenever the Poker Face footballer is left out of the Real Madrid squad, “he’s at home crying.”

And that’s exactly what Madridistas were doing on Wednesday night for much of the club’s Champions League chumpathon against Zurich.

“I’m bored, you’re bored, he’s bored, she’s bored, we’re bored, they’re bored,” wrote a grammar-inspired Tomás Roncero in AS the following morning.

LLL Prediction - Home win (3-1)

Atlético Madrid (18th) vs Espanyol (10th)

1-1 away to APOEL was the perfect scoreline for rojiblanco watchers, this week.

Rubbish enough for everyone to still have a good, old chuckle at their expense - especially after conceding to their Cypriot opponents after just five minutes - but enough to hang on to third place and more possible humiliation in the Europa Cup against Liverpool.

“Could have been worse. Could have been much worse,” wrote Iñako Díaz-Guerra who feels that the only thing to be done now with his side is, “take the team to pieces and start all over again.”

LLL Prediction - Home win (surely)

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Barcelona are back in business

Tim Stannard — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:00:00 GMT

In response to AS cranking up their Barcelona brickingthemselvesometer last weekend, La Liga Loca has decided to give a debut airing to its own fiendishly brilliant contraption, the barçasmugometer.

And after it whirred into life this morning, initial readings from the spinning, steam-punk machine indicate that a remarkable 10,000 smarms is radiating from the Camp Nou club after Tuesday’s 2-0 win over Inter Milan.

For those unfamiliar with the scale, that’s somewhere in between “all our players are organic and home-grown” and “you know that we don’t have sponsors don’t you, mmmm?”

Historically speaking, the barçasmugometer is unlikely to reach the incredible levels seen at the end of last season when the Treble saw the reaction turn to “if you say one more thing about how great Barça are, I will beat you and your family to death with a stale chorizo.”

Sport led the way with Wednesday’s post-partido cheerleading and a headline boasting that the victory over José Mourinho’s men was “a strike from a champion.”

“Winning without Messi and Ibra has double value. It’s a way of telling the dressing room that unity makes you strong,” scribbles Josep María Casanovas in a happy-clappy column.

NEWS: Europe trembles as Barcelona make music

Joan Vehils turns his antagonising attentions to insulting Barça’s under-performing Italian opponents by noting that Mad Sammy Eto’o was “lost in the tactical ineptitude and inefficiency of Mourinho,” a manager that La Liga Loca suspects will be spending the next few months in the quiet corner after being comprehensively trounced by Piqué and Pedro.

However, the Portuguese coach did try to dig himself out of his Champions League hole a little by smart-arsing that “a team without pride would have lost by three or four goals.”

Over in Mundo Deportivo-land, opinion-forming frontman Santi Nolla argues that He Who Should Never Be Doubted (La Liga Loca’s pet name for Pep) possesses “a team with confidence in itself, that’s motivated, with players who feel important and two stars who will be fresh for the big match.”

As the Madrid papers tend to be considerably kinder to Barcelona than the somewhat insecure Catalan press is to the Castle Greyskull club in return, AS sees Tuesday’s victory for Pep’s Dream Boys as “the response from champions,” while Marca fawn over “an exhibition from a spectacular Barcelona.”

However, their main preoccupation is the return of Cristiano Ronaldo, who is predicted by both main papers to feature in Wednesday’s Champions League clash against Zurich for about half an hour.

“I’m OK!” says the ankle-knacked Paris-poker on the front cover of Marca, who also report that Raúl is set to start in Karim Benzema’s place “unless Pellegrini changes his mind after reading the paper” - a banner referencing an article pointing out that Real Madrid are even more hopeless than normal with the club captain chugging around the playing field.

The Champions League tie is set to be number 100 for Iker Casillas, who is asked in AS which players have caused him the most problems over the years in the competition.

“Elber and Van Nistelrooy,” said the Madrid goalie. “But no one, these days, as we never get past the last 16.”

Atlético Madrid are also in action in Cyprus against APOEL - the latest in a long line of clubs who are gleefully delivering kicks to the goolies of the Vicente Calderón comedy club.

Seeing as Quique’s men cannot qualify for the next round and don’t really have a squad good enough for la Primera, never mind that Europa League business, AS's Manuel Esteban feels that the “best thing that could happen is to lose.”

Atleti being Atleti, expect a 6-0 win for the relegation-threatened club and even more ball-bruising batterings from Europe’s fourth-tier clubs in the months to come.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Panic on the streets of Barcelona

Tim Stannard — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 09:00:00 GMT

Through no fault of its own, on Monday afternoon La Liga Loca had to spend 20 minutes of its short human life listening to a Spanish sports talk radio station.

It was 20 minutes of a group of very, very, very angry men yelling “Barça are the best!" "No, Madrid are the best!” at each other without a break for breath.

As far as the blog is aware they are all still there, screaming the same exhortations in an increasingly desperate, deranged fashion, while pure adrenaline is injected directly into their scrotums.

The whole affair was enough for the brain-bruised blog to wish nothing but doom and disaster for both clubs in the Champions League this week.

However, as such an eventuality would be very bad for business - a very important concept, indeed - that mad moment soon passed.

Tuesday’s press in Spain’s twin cities of silliness is dominated by Barcelona’s big date with Jose Mourinho’s Inter Milan.

And, in one particular paper called Marca, by Raúl still being great.

It’s Marca who have got their panties in the biggest of bunches on the front cover, as the paper is unsure of the physical state of Leo Messi.

“But they said he was injured?” yells the headline next to a picture of the Argentinian kicking a ball during Monday’s practice.

The paper’s editorial then takes great exception to the notion that Pep Guardiola may not want to give full disclosure on the fitness status of his star player ahead of a fairly crucial clash.

You've been papped...

“Why do they want to sell us injuries when they’re aren’t any?” whines a truly dumb-ass column that doesn’t attempt to answer its own question.

Mourinho - who seems to be in fine form this week - doesn’t appear to give two hoots about who turns up at the Camp Nou on Tuesday night.

“If Messi plays, we have Chivu. If Iniesta plays, we have Chivu. If Pedrito plays, we have Chivu,” said the Inter boss cheerfully.

AS are leading their line on the return of Mad Sammy Eto’o to the Camp Nou, Tuesday’s headline declaring that “Eto’o is playing for Madrid once again,” referring to the striker’s very early years before he was kicked out of Castle Greyskull.

AS editor Alfredo Relaño seems to have his fingers crossed for the perfect storm of a Rubin Kazan victory and a Barça defeat as “what really scares Madrid is Barcelona winning the Champions League in the Bernabeu.”

The dual concern for the Barcelona press is to get culés to turn up at the Camp Nou for the Champions League clash and raise the usual noise level in the stadium to above that of a group of gossiping mice.

Their campaign began on Monday with Joan Vehils wearing the cheerleader costume for the day, declaring that “we must have confidence in this manager and in these players that gave us our best season in our history.”

“There will be 100,000 Messis,” continues the columnist, leaving a very disturbing image indeed in La Liga Loca’s tiny mind.

On Tuesday, the miniskirt and pom-poms were hosed down and passed on to Sport's Josep María Casanovas, who issues the following maxim: “Barcelona fans, fear is for cowards!”

The columnist then hits a familiar theme by insulting the visitors from across the Med: “Mourinho’s strategy will be to bore Barça with their Italian anti-football.”

The front page of the paper has the rallying cry of “Together, we’ll win!” and demands that “every Barcelona player, at every moment, must feel supported, be cheered and feel loved by the public.”

If all that isn’t enough to make any neutrals reading the blog long for a devastatingly beautiful 10-0 victory for Inter, then nothing will.

Mundo Deportivo have taken to squealing like little girls about the Madridista press, who are “overseeing the usual ritual intimidation against the only side that has ever won a Treble in [Spain’s] history.”

The blog has a feeling that Lluís Foix, who penned the above complaint, may be referring to AS scribe Tomas Guasch dusting down and reactivating his Barcelona “sh*tting themselvesometer,” which he claimed hit “over 100 million sh*t-hertz” on Sunday night.

Barcelona will be hoping that their players show more backbone than their press.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Round 11

Tim Stannard — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:00:00 GMT

Good Day

La Liga Loca

There was no hot date with Sara Carbonero this week. Well, there was, but that’s a story for our grandkids.

Instead, it’s a very, very, very good - nay, exquisite - day for La Liga Loca after it correctly predicted NINE out of 10 of this weekend’s Primera matches. That’s NINE out of 10.

Not only does that trigger the €1,000 bonus promised by the FourFourTwo bigwigs in the blog’s signed-in-blood contract (Eh?! - paperwork-ruffling Ed.), but it also means that all comments under the blog this week MUST be of a suitably deferential, overawed, we’re not worthy, toadying tone.

Xerez

If you told a Xerez fan before the start of the season that after 11 games, their club would be equal on points with Atlético Madrid having conceded eight fewer goals, they’d have been as happy as Maniche munching through a mountain of muffins.

As long as you’d missed out the part about being second from bottom of the table and having only managed three goals.

Málaga, Zaragoza

The point gained in the 1-1 draw from Sunday evening didn’t really do either side any good, to be fair.

But you know that any half of football that had seven minutes of stoppage time without there being a serious injury had to have been top-class adult entertainment.

And that’s precisely what happened in the second part of what turned into a fantastic feisty duel between these two teams with red cards, face-clutching histrionics, outrageous diving and a stack of pushing and shoving thrown in for good measure.

Real Madrid

“More of the same at the Bernabeu,” complained Sunday’s Marca in a theme continued the next day with Roberto Palomar sighing that “being the leaders doesn’t bring happiness.”

Sunday’s front page of AS lambasted Madrid’s 1-0 win over Racing for being boring, while Juanma Trueba complained that “if there is a plan, then it’s not making itself clear. No player is playing to their talent.”

La Liga Loca’s message is for all these Madridista men to get over it and enjoy the fact that Real Madrid continue to play like dogs but are now top of the table.

Imagine what it will be like for the Castle Greyskull club when things start to click into place.

Javi Casquero

Stupid Getafe ruined La Liga Loca’s chance for a perfect prediction sweep with a win at Espanyol, but it meant that their previously benched midfielder got to spend Sunday in a happier mood than normal.

Casquero had been left out in the cold for much of the season by Michel, but returned to the starting line-up and opened the scoring for the Coliseum club in the 2-0 win.

Andrés Guardado

With his Slash-style poodle perm flapping in the Galician wind, Depor’s Mexican midfielder had the responsibility of putting away his side’s penalty in the sixth minute of injury time in Saturday’s clash against Atlético.

And he did not fail, keeping Deportivo in a remarkable fifth place.

Mallorca

Technically, La Liga Loca could throw Mallorca into the 'Bad Day' section for clumsily conceding ANOTHER goal at home this season - their second, in fact.

But the 3-1 win over Almería and two cracking strikes from right midfielder Gonzalo Castro sees the Balearic champs with six from six in the Ono Estadi and, suitably enough, in sixth place.

“Those were three vital points for our survival,” droned Gregorio Manzano, failing to get as excited as La Liga Loca over Mallorca’s Primera prowess so far this season.

Sevilla

Both Marca and AS spent much of their Saturday previews being all with the Harry Redknapp and banging on about Sevilla’s "stretched to breaking point", "down to the bare bones" squad.

La Liga’s third-placed side still started with Freddie Kanouté and Luis Fabiano backed up by Jesus Navas and Perotti, so it was hardly doom and gloom for the Andalusian side.

And so it proved with a handy 2-1 away win in Tenerife.

Valencia’s old fogies

David Albeda and Carlos Marchena popped up out of semi-retirement on Sunday with two cracking goals in Valencia’s 3-1 win over Osasuna.

The Mestalla men have now racked up five away wins in six, meaning that they like Sevilla are in a fine position to lap up the entrails and gulp down the placenta from next Sunday's clash between Barça and Madrid.

Nilmar

A slow start in Spain from the Brazilian striker, but Villarreal’s most expensive signing is now beginning to come good with two goals in his team’s 3-1 win over Almería.

Bad Day

Atlético Madrid

During some of Atlético’s recent defeats, the side really hasn’t been trying hard enough in the ridicule stakes.

The late rally against Real Madrid never really undid the damage of waiting until the sixth minute to concede, rather than the normal first in their capital clashes.

Round nine’s 1-0 loss to Athletic was desperately eventful and in stark comparison to the last-minute own goal that threw away two points against Mallorca the previous week.

But Atlético were back with a bang on Saturday, the Rojiblancos clinging on to a point against Deportivo - before Pablo needlessly clattered into Lopo in injury time.

“It was unnecessary, it was mad, it was painful, but it was a penalty,” shrugged a beyond-caring Iñako Díaz-Guerra in AS.

Atlético are now tied on points with Xerez in the relegation zone, on their worst run for 56 years and suffering their worst start since that truly terrible side of 1673.

Diego Forlán, Kun Aguero

The former arrived in Madrid at 3pm on Friday after returning from Montevideo, was packed off to La Coruña by Quique just hours after, had to warm up for 45 minutes and was never used.

The latter had his manager’s hand clamped to his gob after the agitated Argentinian completely lost the plot when the last-gasp penalty was given against his side.

Espanyol

Not even the return of Raúl Tamudo could prevent Espanyol losing in Cornella el Prat for the second time in la Liga, this season.

Here’s a rather glum Paul from Barcelona to tell us what happened in the 2-0 defeat to Getafe.

“During the week I watched Stevenage Borough vs Port Vale in a FA Cup First Round replay. It had more skill and excitement than this rubbish.

Bobby Davro's Rock With Laughter was more entertaining.

"Wigan played better today than both teams. Nothing of note to report except that Getafe's second goal in the 93 minute was well-worked.

1) 40 away fans. Hats off to the bloke who stood up and applauded during the 21st-minute tribute to Dani Jarque. A class act, sir.
2) Soldado played here twice in 10 days and how he didn't get sent off twice is beyond me.
3) All those Burger King puns I had don't deserve an airing, although not due to the lack of quality on my part.
4) Did I mention that this match was cr*p ?”

Paul, Barcelona

Pep Guardiola

Saturday night in Bilbao saw Pep in a silver shiny suit paired with a full Brian Blessed beard.

Did La Liga Loca miss the “Pep joining the Bee Gees” press release?

For those expecting to see Barcelona join their manager on this side of the blog, the point in San Mamés was neither good nor bad.

La Liga Loca has a sneaky feeling that the Catalan club is about to pull off an Inter-Madrid double spanking.

Tenerife

There were boos galore when Sevilla’s second flew in on Saturday night.

But José Luis Oltra, the under-pressure manager of 16th-placed Tenerife, was doing everything he could to keep both his fans and footballers on side with his post-match declaration that “I give my players 10 points and the fans 11.”

*You can catch an impossibly smug La Liga Loca bragging about his prediction prowess on RMTV Gabfest, Extra Time, Sky Digital 446, at 19.05 UK time and repeated throughout the week.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

The Going-Out-Till-Six Predictions - Round 11

Tim Stannard — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Saturday

Tenerife (15th) vs Sevilla (3rd)

Today’s ramble starts in the second division, where La Liga Loca has a sneaky feeling Tenerife might be residing come the start of the next season.

Regular readers of the blog may well recall a team called ‘Betis’ who were relegated, last year.

Well, everyone who loved all that will be thrilled to hear that Betis are currently having a terrible time of it in the badlands of Spain’s second tier, having suffered from a bout of swine ‘flu, experienced falling attendances and a recent run of results that sees the side in 10th with just one win in the last six league games.

And this was the root cause - along with a whole stack of beer, no doubt - of a group of around 25 Betis supporters invading the training ground on Wednesday afternoon, to taunt the players for being ‘mercenaries’, lark about in a vaguely threatening manner before letting off a flare and legging it.

Unsurprisingly, the club have decided to make their sessions closed doors for the rest of the week.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Deportivo (5th) vs Atlético Madrid (18th)

Oh dear. This tie throws together La Liga’s most brutally efficient, defensively tight and brilliantly organised side and Atlético Madrid - the club that is most definitely the ying to the rojiblanco yang.

The week has been a typically peculiar one for the Vicente Calderón club with AS reporting that psychologists specialising in Hollywood wacky, self-help theory “The Secret” are being brought in to talk the relegation-threatened side out of their current malaise.

“It’s not enough that they’re earning millions or making enormous fools of themselves,” argued one cantankerous commentator on the paper’s message board.

“They need even more motivation!”

Club president, Enrique Cerezo, then admitted that his side’s current plight was “the worst in my presidency,” manager Quique Sánchez-Flores caught swine flu and the club was hit by a whopping €150 fine by the Spanish FA for Manuel Pellegrini getting hit by an object during the recent Madrid derby clash.

“Now everyone knows that it is almost free to attack a rival in Spain,” grumbled Marca in Thursday’s editorial.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Madrid (2nd) vs Racing (17th)

Although a photo of Guti and Manuel Pellegrini chatting to each other during training is being used as proof in some sections of the Spanish press that the midfielder has been moved off Madrid’s naughty step, La Liga Loca is less than convinced.

After all, it could well have been the Third Choice Chilean returning from his son’s wedding in South America and saying “I thought I told you to p*ss off to Bolton,” to his pea-brained player.

And then kicking him in the knee for good measure, which explains Guti hobbling from Thursday’s training on crutches.

Guti has been out of the Real Madrid squad every since their Alcorcón altercation during the 4-0 defeat, and did not help his case one jot last week by boasting (although he is backtracking a tad on his comments) in a TV interview that, “I’m the type of person who just doesn’t stop, either by day or night.”

However Guti did admit that “I don’t see myself in discos till six like now, when I am 60.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Athletic Bilbao (8th) vs Barcelona (1st)

La Liga Loca is now wearing its serious trousers - and yes, it does actually have them - to announce that the Basque parliament has passed a bill calling for the return of both the Tour of Spain and the Spanish football team to the region after a bit of an absence.

Because of the somewhat delicate nationalist nature of the area, Spain has not played a game of footie in the Basquelands since 1967 and local politicians would like to see this exile ended.

However, the reaction from local clubs that could possibly host the games has been less than enthusiastic - clubs that, to be fair to them, have a complex political tightrope to walk.

The Athletic Bilbao president, Fernando García Macua, has said that the club’s socios will be the ones to make the decision on whether or not Spain play in San Mamés - if that day ever arose - but he has already canvassed opinion on the topic.

“Some see it as a bad thing... others are indifferent... but generalising is tough,” said Macua.

However, the sometimes member of the Spain squad and Athletic striker Fernando Llorente would have no issues with the concept.

“I love playing with Spain and it doesn’t matter where,” gasped the forward.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Sunday

Xerez (19th) vs Sporting (7th)

“Beep, beep, beep” went the teleprompter of the satirical show from Thursday night’s TV.

“There’s news from the south!” shouted the presenter pretending to be a Spanish sportscaster. “And it’s a briiiiiiibbbbbbbe” shouted the ‘reporter’ in reply.

Yes, the announcement from Spain’s Attorney General that there are currently 730 open corruption cases against the country’s local politicians has caused much mirth and merriment - but little surprise - across the land.

If this is the mere tip of a back-scratching iceberg, as many feel, then a whole bunch of wrongdoers were hassled on Thursday when a group of Xerez fans turned up at the local town hall to hand in a petition of over 10,000 signatures calling for their help in solving the problems of the local football club.

Xerez is currently on the brink of administration with a debt of €23 million, and some supporters would like someone, somewhere to do something about it.

“We want to defend Xerez as an institution,” said Rafael Castro, one of those who made the trip to voice their concerns.

But unfortunately, as the magic words ‘kickback’ and ‘property deal’ were not used in the presence of their local pen-pushers, La Liga Loca feels that their pleas will probably have fallen on deaf ears.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Villarreal (16th) vs Valladolid (14th)

Valladolid striker Manucho’s promised goal tally for this season... 40.

The number of goals Manucho has managed so far... 1.

The number of matches Manucho has left to score 39 more goals... 26.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Espanyol (9th) vs Getafe (12th)

Thought for the day.

Using last Saturday’s starting formation of 4-3-3 / 4-5-1 for Spain against Argentina as an assumption, would a possible ‘B’ team in a 4-4-2 setup featuring Reina, Arbeloa, Marchena, Albiol, Monreal, Cesc, Senna, Navas, Mata, Torres and Negredo....

a) qualify for the World Cup in its own right?
b) be able to beat England?

LLL Prediction - Draw

Mallorca (6th) vs Almería (11th)

It is no surprise that the Mallorca players should be more than a little peeved after a ridiculous few months that has seen the club change hands on a number of occasions and led to a month without wages.

The current crisis sees former owner Mateo Alemany back in business at the Balearic club and trying to track down the previous mob who he alleges were up to bad financial jiggering in their very short spell in charge.

All in all, this has left the players fairly unimpressed with the way things currently lie.

Or so says striker Victor on his bosses. “They cheat you, every day, and this makes you feel pretty bad.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Málaga (20th) vs Zaragoza (13th)

“We prefer to bet on Málaga ahead of Barcelona or Real Madrid,” chirped Henry Birch of William Hill On-line, the English sponsors of Málaga football club during a recent promotional push in Gibraltar.

“These two teams always win, so it’s not so attractive for a bet.”

La Liga Loca is no expert but the blog would suggest that nor is a club that always loses.

Like Málaga, for example.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Osasuna (10th) vs Valencia (4th)

The international break saw the now regular update on Valencia’s disastrous financial situation.

And for those fans of figures out there in blogland, the current debt of the Mestalla club stands at €510 million (or €690m if you count the cost of the new stadium under construction).

“It’s a miracle that we are still going,” admits club Vice President, Javier Gómez.

“Valencia are in a really bad situation, economically. I wouldn’t say ‘ruinous’ as there are ways of getting out of our situation, but we are having a really tough spell.”

LLL Prediction - Away win

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Barca bigwigs prepare for election battle

Tim Stannard — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:00:00 GMT

Barcelona’s next presidential elections could still be up to six months away, but this hasn’t stopped a gaggle of candidates beginning their ablutions to take over from the current King of Catalunya, Joan ‘Joan’ Laporta.

And at this point the blog must note what a fine group of potential princes could well be on offer for box-ticking Barça fans when the time comes to make that choice for a new big cheese.

Especially for those whose yanks are cranked by pompous, embittered, grudge-holding men in their 50s.

Between March and May next year, the confused Culé collective are going to have to choose between a long list of blowhard tedious types all looking for some expense-sponging fun at the Camp Nou.

And from what La Liga Loca can tell in these very early stages, the candidates seem to fall into four main camps.

1) Those who have served with Laporta as a board member but fell out with the trouser-removing titan and resigned.

2) Those who are still on the board and very much in the Catalan-crazy cad’s lap.

3) Those who are still on the board, but not part of Laporta’s ‘in-crowd’ and were possibly spied upon in the recent ‘security audit’ scandal.

4) Those from outside the club who have no chance of winning.

Because Barcelona have been doing reasonably well of late, the strongest candidates as things stand today are likely to come from group 2 - Laporta’s ‘Dauphins’ as the Madrid press like to call them - and will claim, come election time, that they are a safe pair of hands for the future.

Or whatever Laporta tells them to say, really.

Leading this posse of wannabe presidents is the colourfully-dressed, Xavier Sala i Martin, who has already (un)officially thrown his hat into the ring by branding certain Spanish people as “idiots” and by attacking the supposed hostility shown by them to anyone from his Cataluyna homeland.

“They pull a gun on us if we speak Catalan,” moaned Martin.

The Colombia University economics professor was recently moved into the position of Barcelona’s treasurer with Laporta claiming that “it will help him to know the club in greater detail.”

However, Sport are betting that the eventual fight will be between a candidate from group 1 and another from group 3.

The front-runner from the former is set to be Sandro Rosell, the running mate of Laporta in 2003 who quit two years later having accused his boss and friend of going a little bit bonkers.

And the former Nike executive could be facing a current board member, Alfons Godall - one of those lucky enough not to have had his private and business life poked into by private investigators hired by his employers.

Something that even Martin has admitted was a bit of a mistake.

“They were friends and colleagues” says Josep Maria Casanovas in Tuesday’s Sport.

“Now they’re rivals and we hope they don’t end up being enemies.”

Rosell - and anyone else from group 1 or group 4 - will almost certainly have everything crossed in the hope that things go a little Pete Tong for Barcelona in the months to come.

Otherwise any campaign pledges such as “it’s time for a change” will sound more than a little silly.

All they have at the moment is “hey, the money’s great, the perks are awesome and it’s a great way to give my business buddies a great gig.” Were they American, that is.

But the signs are strong that unlike the crushingly dull coronation of Florentino Pérez in Castle Greyskull, the Barcelona battle could be a mudslinging sensation, especially if Rosell lives up to expectations in any campaign to come.

AS report that Laporta is a little concerned that secret stuff contained in his laptop that was stolen in April 2008 may start to come out, if it isn’t happening already.

And even Sport reckon that things could get a bit juicy between now and the election.

“It’s the time for secret meetings, pacts, candidate campaigns, polls and dinners to buy off support,” says Casanovas.

La Liga Loca suspects that there will be a lot of fun to come with Barça’s turn to tear itself to pieces just around the corner.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Crime but not much punishment in la Liga

Tim Stannard — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:00:00 GMT

The Spanish league’s main sponsors will have you know that there's is the best in the world.

Well, that may be so, but these days la Liga feels more like a particularly insane series of ‘My Name is Earl’.

Each week seems to bring news of another pea-brained, idiot hick attempting a wacky, moneymaking scheme, only for it to go terribly wrong.

And many of those involve current Málaga owner, Lorenzo Sanz.

Although the overworked lawyers of Señor Sanz have - like Ever Banega during ‘Spain’s Newest Supermodel’ - a lot on their hands on the moment, La Liga Loca will still err on the side of caution by swerving many of the hair-raising rumours that surround the former Real Madrid president’s ‘complicated’ business life.

Instead, it will simply repeat Marca’s delicate comment from last week that Sanz “keeps on having problems with the law” and note that he genuinely has more than a passing resemblance to ‘Fat Tony’ from The Simpsons.

It seems that there is nothing that Sanz likes more than being photographed coming out of police stations with wild and crazy accusations surrounding his fine, upstanding name.

It September of 2008, unlucky Lorenzo was arrested at Cordoba railway station and questioned over his involvement over a suspected false payment worth $10 million.

Helping a friend open a foundation in Spain, was his side of the story.

And to massive national interest in Spain - but no great surprise - Sanz was arrested, once again, last Wednesday, concerning the illegal exportation of Spanish art to Italy - something that needs the government’s permission, apparently.

Unfortunately, this was completely unknown to Sanz, claims the man himself, when released later in the day pending charges.

"I bought some paintings and afterwards some people told me we could have an auction in Italy," said Lorenzo.

"I have no idea if you have to get permission to sell art outside Spain.

Liking nothing more than poking around in some dishy dirt, the Spanish football press have delved a little further into the mire and discovered that there may be more than meets the eye, in this unfortunate artistic affair.

The case in question dates back to 2005, say Marca, when Sanz was reportedly trying to buy cash-strapped Italian side, Parma.

Saturday’s edition reports that he was flush enough to front the €7.5 million required for the initial payment but was forced to sell off some of his art collection, which included paintings from the 16th, 17th and 18th century to meet the remaining €20 million to complete the purchase.

As well as this being a crime in Spain, AS report that Sanz is also in hot water because police in Italy suspect that the Málaga owner was trying to sell the pictures to the mafia organisation, ‘Ndrangheta, after his name popped up during investigations into the group’s illicit activities.

Although Sanz claims that he “has nothing to do with this case,” La Liga Loca suspects that this story may be one to watch.

There is yet more funny financial business afoot, this time in Mallorca, a club that is suffering no end of economic agony these days.

After dalliances with an English plumber and some Uzbek businessmen - helped by Joan Laporta’s law firm, no less - Mallorca seemed to have found a more secure financial footing in August when the then owner, Mateo Alemany, sold his 93 percent shareholding to an investment group fronted by Javier Bernado Martí Asensio, who became the club’s Delegate General.

The problem was that Mallorca’s staff and players stopped receiving their wages and bonuses soon after and the second payment from the new owners to Alemany of €500,000 bounced, forcing him to take back the club.

In a press conference given last week, Alemany advised that he has reported the previous owners for a number of accounting ‘irregularities’ and wants to know more about a €500,000 loan taken from the club and given to the investment group and a suspicious €90,000 invoice paid by Mallorca.

As a swift response to such dodgy dealings on Spain’s various costas, La Liga Loca will just say that it has no idea what’s in their water these days, but it certainly won’t be drinking it.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Capello’s criticism causes anti-Fabio fury

Tim Stannard — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:00:00 GMT

When Fabio Capello opined that “Spain are not as strong as Brazil as they don’t defend as well” it could have been taken in two ways in the home of FIFA’s newly-crowned number one team.

It was either going to be a measured response taking into account the England coach’s experience and chin-stroking at the faults he identified or... to be honest... La Liga Loca is full of baloney and bull, here.

It was always going to go down as well as a lettuce in Maniche’s larder with the Spanish press, who tend to view Capello as some kind of footballing Anti-Christ.

With Spain having been absolutely magnificent throughout much of Saturday’s 2-1 win over Argentina now is a very bad time indeed to suggest that there is anyone better than Del Bosque’s boys in Planet Football.

And this is why Marca is tooting the horn on the big backlash train with a somewhat defensive José María Rodríguez huffing and puffing in Monday’s edition that “when it comes to playing football, keeping the ball, wanting it, knowing what to do with it, there’s no-one who can touch us.

"Not Argentina, nor Brazil, nor Holland and especially not Capello’s England. Spain are the best. End of discussion.”

This accusation of footballing heresy from the former Real Madrid manager is followed up by the normally rational Roberto Palomar, who scoffs that Capello’s comments were a way of “covering up England’s terrible game against Brazil. It was fearful, rancid and conservative... it was Capello,” ranted the columnist on Monday’s back page.

AS have yet to react to Capello’s comments but their readers have.

And bless their cotton socks, the feedback on the message-board below the story has been fairly calm and collected with Zenit scribbling that “I see Brazil as being stronger, but because they are more balanced, not because the players are better.”

Joe, for one, agrees with Capello when writing that “if everyone maintains their current form, then the favourites for the World Cup are Brazil, Germany, Spain and England in that order.”

Aside from fuming at Fabio, the weekend’s Spanish press has been full of praise for their national team’s perky performance against Argentina on Saturday night, and for the dastardly fouling ways of their foes.

“Spain played, Argentina kicked,” moaned the headline on AS’s website on Sunday with international footie expert Maldini noting quite rightly that the South American side had “an alarming lack of football in midfield,” due to the presence of Lady Gago.

“The team appears to be modelled more on Heinze than Messi,” writes the paper’s editor, Alfredo Relaño.

Sunday’s Marca followed a similar theme and boasted that “Argentina couldn’t stop Spain either with punches or with kicks,” before calling La Furia Roja ‘Magicians’ on the front page.

Even the Barcelona press were vaguely excited by the performance, especially considering Saturday’s starting line-up featured five of their players - something that must still continue to give Joan Laporta the heebie-jeebies.

However, Sport’s focus was on Messi’s continuing disappointing performances for Argentina, where he seems to be deployed as a full-back from what La Liga Loca could see.

“Not even Messi can stop Spain” blasted Sunday’s headline.

Marca’s editorial on Sunday suggests that the good people of Spain can genuinely dream about winning the World Cup in South Africa, but with some reservations.

And after witnessing Saturday’s performance, that sounds like the right approach to take, thinks La Liga Loca.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Will the gashegos have the last laugh?

Joel Richards — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:00:00 GMT

INVASION ALERT! With Spain facing Argentina in a friendly, Argie Bargy blogger Joel Richards has his say on Argentine attitudes to the Old World country...

Manolo and his brother were in the house-moving industry in Galicia.

One day Manolo was struggling along, sweating and grimacing under the weight of the huge wardrobe he was carrying on his back.

"Hey Manolo," shouted out one of the villagers, "why doesn’t your brother help you?"

"He is!" replied Manolo cheerily. "He’s inside, holding the hangers."

There's more where that came from. Lots more.

Why can’t you get ice in Galicia? Because the woman who had the recipe died.

Why did the Gallego stare at the orange juice carton? Because it said "Concentrate."

By now, you get the drift.

Up there with reliving every split millisecond of Maradona’s two goals against England is telling jokes about the ‘gallegos’.

Once they’ve started, Argentines won’t stop.

And it’s not because they’ve got something against the wind-swept northern region of Spain that they refer to in the jokes, but rather that most of the Spaniards who emigrated to Argentina were from that area.

As a result, the Spanish are universally referred to as gallegos. Or as the Argentines would say it, gashegos.

So it is that the coloniser and the colonised meet on Saturday to celebrate the Spanish federation’s centenary - except, as La Liga Loca readers know only too well, it's not their centenary. That’s in four years' time.

To get a rough idea of what Argentines make of that, see the jokes above.

As for the football, we all know the score.

The Roja are favourites, but then they tend to be the favourites in 99.9 percent of their games right now, so that’s hardly news.

Argentina still have to find a way to bring out the best of Messi. Fine.

For all the multimillionaires on show, for all the team news, recent results, Big Test Before The World Cup etc, if you’ve read the Spanish papers for the last year, you’ll know one thing:

This isn’t Spain against Argentina. This is Spain against Maradona.

Ever since Diego took over as Argentina coach, the gashegos have been lapping up Maradona’s mishaps, misunderstandings, misfortunes, mismanagement and press conference appearances like there is no mañana.

Yet while the gashegos love a good old Diego-induced disaster, they also know they're on to a good thing while he’s around.

He commentated the last World Cup for Spanish TV. He used to write a column for the paper who put him next to Di Stéfano and Messi for the world’s media.

Everyone wants to read about what he’s up to – for good or for considerably worse. He is, after all, Maradona.

When Diego took over as coach last year, one Spanish TV reporter made the trip over to Buenos Aires.

Flustered by the summer heat and the prospect of speaking to Maradona, he excitedly blurted out the question he had travelled 15 hours to ask.

"Who do you think is the best national team in the world right now?"

"You’re a little clever-clogs, aren’t you?" replied Diego (to which the room full of Argentines rolled about laughing). "You want me to say Spain, don’t you?"

"No, really, honestly, promise, scouts' honour," the gashego almost said, "it’s a genuine question. Who do think is the best side?"

Diego duly obliged by saying Spain, before reeling off a list of other national teams.

Excited by getting the quote he needed, the reporter quickly canvassed the assembled press about Maradona’s appointment, and completely ignored the response after asking Argie Bargy for its real name, before running back to Madrid.

Back in Spain, this blogger appeared in the gashego’s report as ‘George’.

Amigos consoled Argie Bargy with jokes like those at the top of the blog, along with several other completely unpublishable ones.

How we laughed. But then, on this side of the Atlantic we can laugh all we want.

Come Saturday night, if Maradona’s side lose to Spain, it will be the gashegos who laugh the loudest.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

NEW! Stats: La Liga results, fixtures & table
NEW! Argentina table, fixtures & results
Argie Bargy home
La Liga Loca home
Blogs home
Latest Spain news
Latest South America news
News home
Interviews home
Forums home
FourFourTwo.com home
Follow La Liga Loca on Twitter
Follow FFT.com on Twitter

Cristiano caught in big tug of love

Tim Stannard — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:30:00 GMT

...in which Real Madrid rail against Ronaldo representing his country, while Barcelona rail against any of their players doing likewise...

The beginning of another week in la Liga sees pretty much everyone in a whining mood, possibly because wintry weather has finally arrived in Spain and the country is now rapidly running out of bank holidays with the one month Christmas-New Year-Reyes shutdown still a cavernous six weeks away.

Over in Barcelona the dreaded ‘FIFA Virus’ is the source of a great deal of grumbling and rumbling.

The Catalan press loves a good old boast and brag about the wealth of international talent lodged at the Camp Nou, as long as this wealth of international talent doesn’t actually play international football.

And that’s why the World Cup-missing, mad-for-meatballs Zlatan "Anyone doing anything over the summer?" Ibrahimovic is doubly popular at Barça these days.

Sport has taken great exception to "the virus which has no cure" and complains that the upcoming international break is upsetting Pep Guardiola’s preparations ahead of Tuesday’s tough-sounding Copa del Rey clash against the might of Cultural Leonesa - the half of the football club that regularly attends the opera and opines on the critical worth of Bansky, perhaps.

Meanwhile, an immensely grumpy, frumpy Thierry Henry has taken the local press to task and rages against people pointing out that his goalscoring rate has been less than sizzling of late.

“I’ve read that it’s been six months since I scored,” complained the Frenchman after the Mallorca match.

“I don’t know if it is possible to score goals when you’re on holiday or injured. It’s incredible!” Zut Alor-ed the Barcelona striker.

The Madridista press are even angrier than their counterparts in the Catalan capital, due to the decision of Carlos Queiroz to call up the crocked Cristiano Ronaldo for Portugal's World Cup play-off encounters against Bosnia.

Monday’s AS reported that Real Madrid will look at taking legal action against the country’s FA if one slicked-back hair on Cristiano’s overly-shiny bonce is hurt whilst in the care of the Portuguese authorities.

The paper has also dug out every mean and nasty thing that the former Madrid manager has said about the club since his spell on the Bernabeu bench in the 2003/2004 campaign.

AS argue that Queiroz’s somewhat polemical decision is linked to the enormous animosity he supposedly feels against Florentino Pérez from that less-than-successful period.

Marca advise that the club will be tying their player to the radiator with handcuffs - he always carries a pair around with him, apparently, just in case - to stop him popping over to Portugal and will instead send to Lisbon a wad of medical notes.

“His health is at stake,” wails Tuesday’s editorial.

The other small matter at hand in the Spanish capital is Real's Copa del Rey second leg tie against Alcorcón, with the plucky Bernabeu club looking to overturn a 4-0 deficit at Castle Greyskull.

And they will be launching yet another ‘Spirit of Juanito’ comeback without waddling wally Guti, who has been left out of the squad for the fourth successive game.

However, it is not as a punishment, says a cryptic Manuel Pellegrini, who claims that his mind-addled midfielder will return “when the technical team consider he is ready and when the player wants to be called up.”

La Liga Loca's Twitter service will be back at the Bernabeu from 19.45 CET, to see if Real Madrid’s side of ragtag hoofers such as Kaká can pull off something with such ferocity it would make Ever Banega wince for a week.

--------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

La Liga’s Good Day, Bad Day - Round 10

Tim Stannard — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:00:00 GMT

RESULTS Sat Nov 7: Atlético Madrid 2-3 Real Madrid , Barcelona 4-2 Mallorca , Getafe 0-2 Deportivo La Coruña , Tenerife 2-2 Málaga Sun Nov 8: Almería 2-0 Osasuna , Racing Santander 0-2 Athletic Bilbao , Real Valladolid 0-0 Deportivo Xerez , Sevilla 3-2 Villarreal , Sporting Gijón 1-0 Espanyol , Valencia 3-1 Real Zaragoza

Good Day

La Liga Loca (and Sara Carbonero)

Simply because the bragging blog came face-to-face with Spain’s luvverliest and most legendary sports presenter Sara Carbonero after the Atlético vs Real Madrid clash.

Although this life-making moment will mean absolutely nothing to those Dear Readers outside of Iberia, it was by far the biggest footballing event on what was a less than wonderful weekend in la Liga.

Atlético Madrid

Well. They held out five minutes before conceding on Saturday night, four more than in the previous two clashes at the Vicente Calderón.

Pedro

The Barcelona forward that La Liga Loca seems to remember tipping to be the breakout star of the current campaign - possibly in its own imagination, though - popped up with two goals against Mallorca to make Pep Guardiola’s gamble of leaving Iniesta, Xavi and Messi on the bench pay off.

The Canary Islander has now scored three in la Liga as well as coming up trumps with efforts in the Champions League, the Copa del Rey, Spanish Super Cup as well as the winner in the European Super Cup.

And that means that it’s "Bojan who?" round the league leaders' parts, these days.

Felipe

Deportivo’s brilliant Brazilian was one of the best full-backs in la Liga last season, and he's on the way to repeating that feat after a fine display against Getafe on Saturday night by bringing a goal and an assist to the cause.

Málaga

In the Good Day section for a brave and plucky point away to Tenerife in a terrific tussle where Málaga came back from two goals down.

The bottom-of-the-table side still seems to have the attacking swagger of last season’s version, but the defence appears to have gone to pot.

Perhaps quite literally, judging by the back four’s performance in Tenerife’s two strikes.

Manuel Pellegrini

A supportive La Liga Loca is going to going to award the Real Madrid coach with a Good Day nomination, despite Marca complaining that “a good part of the blame lies with Pellegrini” for the late two-goal surge for Atlético Madrid on Saturday night.

Others might suggest that most teams would struggle down to 10 men against a swarm of attacks from Kun Agüero and Diego Forlán and that Pellegrini should be applauded for masterminding a 3-0 lead for his team.

But not Marca, who are just desperate to see the Real Madrid coach moved out and are being hampered in their quest by the club’s recent revival.

Perhaps the one note of criticism that the blog will throw in the Chilean coach’s direction is his insistence on having a face like thunder in press conferences, even after a derby day win in the Vicente Calderón that should have left him grinning from ear to wrinkled ear.

Sporting

Not only did the seventh-placed side take the lead in the first two minutes against Espanyol, but they hung on to it, too.

Like watching your first child ride without stabilisers. Let’s all hope there are no open manholes just around the corner.

Almería

Three very handy points for the home side, even if the tedious torture of the 88 minutes between the goals may not have been worth it from a suffering supporter’s perspective.

Robert Pires

Five goals in the last four games (in all competitions) for the zimmer frame-pushing Frenchie.

But his goal against Sevilla on Sunday night wasn't enough to prevent a 3-2 defeat in the Sanchez Pizjuán.

Valencia, Sevilla

Two home wins - of differing difficulty, quite frankly - keeps both sides hot on the heels of Barcelona and Real Madrid.

Bad Day

Luis Perea

A fine piece of dipsy, dozy defending from the Atleti stopper saw him robbed by Gonzalo Higuaín like an enormous jessy for Real Madrid’s third of the night.

Currently in competition with Pablo and Juanito for who can be the biggest blouse in Atlético’s back four. So far, it’s a close run thing.

Ezequiel Garay

Central defenders are supposed to look mean and moody and the kind of person who would happily kick you to death if it would prevent a goal being conceded.

Tomas Ujfalusi has this vibe.

The blog's close inspection of Real Madrid’s central defender on Saturday night suggests none of these attributes are possessed by Ezequiel Garay.

La Liga Loca metaphorically kicks sand in his face and runs off.

Adrián

The hopeless, hapless Getafe midfielder was booed throughout the side’s frackin’ disgraceful 2-0 defeat to Deportivo on Saturday evening.

And this may have something to do with being the son of manager Michel, who insisted on starting him ahead of Parejo and Casquero and then refused to take him off despite his constantly hoofing the ball over the bar from 30 yards.

“He played in a tough atmosphere and he didn’t hide. It’s a good signal for the future,” said Adrián’s supportive father.

Juan Carlos Mandía

Another defeat, this time a 2-0 loss at home to Athletic Bilbao, means that the Racing Santander boss is doomed. Doomed!

And that’s a bit of a surprise, as whenever La Liga Loca has seen his side, they've not been too bad.

Valladolid

Failing to beat Xerez at home can never be a good day, in anyone’s book.

---------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

The Elk-Dodging Weekend Predictions - Round 10

Tim Stannard — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:30:00 GMT

Featuring Paris Hilton, Big Brother, Barcelona's dodgy engine, Atletico's plans to beat Real Madrid, Guti's venture into sonic terrorism and the long-awaited return of The News From Sweden...

Saturday

Tenerife (16th) vs Málaga (20th)

“Drat and double drat,” spat the shiny-suited simpletons running the game in Spain.

“The new TV deal appears to be working, the title race could be good this year, and Atlético are rubbish again. This is all going far too well. And that simply won’t do.”

And that’s why the Spanish league (LFP) have decided to balls thing up royally, in a bold but admirably imaginative manner, by threatening to have a ‘break’ during the next round of matches scheduled after the international break on the weekend of the 22 November.

In a topic that will be covered by La Liga Loca in more detail in the days to come, the LFP are holding a meeting on Friday to discuss the Spanish government’s proposal to scrap what is known as ‘the Beckham law’ - the ruling that allows billionaire foreign-types (mainly footballers) to pay just 24 percent income tax as opposed to the 43 percent the loaded locals have to fork out to His Majesty.

The LFP (or some clubs belonging to it – well, Barcelona and Real Madrid, anyway) feel that this change will prevent future Ronaldos coming to la Liga.

But in an intriguing twist, the union representing la Liga’s players is all in favour of the proposed changes that should see financial equality restored (only on newly-contracted players) from January 1.

However, La Liga Loca feels sure that this particular issue is unlikely to make the slightest difference to either Tenerife or Málaga in the near future.

LLL prediction - Home win

Getafe (11th) vs Deportivo (6th)

Saturday sees Getafe celebrating 200 games in the Spanish top flight as well as 100 matches in the Coliseum.

And Michel’s men are putting on a big old party by hosting Depor – which is a little like opening an extension to the British Museum and getting Bubble from Big Brother to cut the tape.

Getafe’s first match in their municipal home was against Mallorca on 12 September, 2004. Unfortunately, the side lead by Quique Sánchez Flores crashed to a 2-1 defeat.

But since then, the Coliseum club have gone on to win 45, draw 29 and lose 25.

And that has inspired La Liga Loca to ask you, Dear Reader, to name the only side to have played at Getafe’s home in la Liga but never lost.

(NB This ‘fact’ comes from Marca, so the blog takes no responsibility if it turns out to be complete nonsense).

LLL Prediction - Home win

Barcelona (1st) vs Mallorca (5th)

If there’s one thing that the Spanish sports journalists really really like to go nuts about, it’s printing astonishingly detailed descriptions of footballers' injuries as if they were writing for a medical journal.

And this is why readers of Friday’s papers have learned that Cristiano Ronaldo is officially suffering from a “grado I-II strain in the internal lateral ligament and has a bone edema in his supernumario thingy on his whatsit on his right ankle.”

Let’s just say that the last time the Real Madrid man had this much difficulty walking normally was when he discovered Paris Hilton had gone commando in their night-club fumble.

Encouraged by this medical madness, Marca has gone for broke with a detailed aeronautical description of why there was a problem with Barça’s plane on the side’s midweek return from Ruskieland that caused a two-hour delay.

Whilst most sane papers would have reported engine trouble, Friday’s Marca goes into intense detail - including graphics - as it describes an issue with the ‘talvas’ on an engine’s ‘laterales’.

La Liga Loca can assure you that the fine people at FourFourTwo aren’t paying the blog nearly enough to dig further into this particular plane-related problem.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Atlético (18th) vs Real Madrid (2nd)

Like Maniche sitting on a snack, Marca are on a heck of a roll and have detailed Manuel Pellegrini’s secret plans to beat Atlético Madrid on Saturday night.

In their ‘Confidential’ column, the paper reports that the Third-Choice Chilean has told his squad that they need to play like they did in the first half against Milan if they are to inflict yet more misery on the Calderón club.

The latest Guti news is that the midfielder is set to return from his two-match exile - sorry, period of rest due to injury.

Sport also note that he will also be making an appearance in the musical world, having contributed his unique vocal talents to the new CD of tedious gravel-voiced crooner Joaquín Sabina.

LLL Prediction - Away win

*Remember that you can follow all the action from the Madrid derby on TV. But if you want to know how rubbish Sergio Ramos is or get the latest on Iker Casillas' transformation into a 300-style Spartan, then follow the blog's live Twitter feed from the Vicente Calderón from 21.45 CET.

Sunday

Valladolid (14th) vs Xerez (19th)

News from Sweden. Aside from the sudden realisation that they can no longer play football, the country has been rocked by recent reports of the increasingly hostile behaviour of their elk population.

That’s what thelocal.se is reporting this week anyway, in a ‘moosed’ alarming article.

“The elk population in the county of Halland, western Sweden, took somewhat of a blow on Friday evening as six animals died in the space of an hour, after colliding with traffic in separate incidents.

"Must get to the shops before they shut"

”'You often hear that elks tend to move about more at dusk or dawn,' Dan Lewstam from Halland police said.

”'But this was after five o'clock in the evening when it was already dark outside."”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sporting (7th) vs Espanyol (8th)

Now that the blog comes to think of it, three weeks without la Liga may not necessarily be a bad thing.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Racing (17th) vs Athletic (9th)

This week, Racing Santander fans learned who wears the trousers at their club.

And it certainly isn’t manager Juan Carlos Mandía, who will be on the Santander sidelines against Athletic wearing a big daisy-patterned blouse after the club president told him what formation to play in Sunday’s encounter.

With just one league win all season, Racing’s big boss Francisco Pernía met with his minion on Wednesday and told the local press that “there’s got to be a change and I want to see it against Athletic.”

That change may involve playing former Liverpool midfielder and complete drip Luis García from the start. Oh dear.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Almería (15th) vs Osasuna (10th)

This week, current Osasuna manager and former Madrid coach José Antonio Camacho let the world know that he was not available should his old side require his particular expertise in the ever so unlikely event of Manuel Pellegrini being pushed out.

“I will never go back there as manager,” declared Camacho in the boldest of terms.

This was then followed by a slightly backtracking, “but if they need me for something else, then...”

LLL Prediction - Draw

Valencia (4th) vs Zaragoza (12th)

The very strong possibility that the knockout stages of this season’s Europa League will feature the likes of Liverpool, Barça and Bayern still isn’t enough to prevent the Valencia players making an nun’s wimple of their group in the current competition.

Another lead was thrown away on Thursday night - this time against Slavia Prague - leaving the men from Mestalla second with one victory and three draws.

So, it’s unlikely that this season’s European efforts will make it into the syllabus of a course that’s been launched at the city’s university - a course on the history of Valencia that has 222 students enrolled.

El País spoke to a number of those taking the subject and La Liga Loca suspects that the one who was majoring in criminology will probably be top of the class come end of term time.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (3rd) vs Villarreal (13th)

Now that the street that Jesus Navas lives on has been taken apart and rebuilt brick by brick, at the national side’s training complex in the outskirts of Madrid, the midfielder says that he feels ready to take his place on the squad to face both Argentina in Atleti's home and Austria in Vienna.

“I think I’m perfectly able to move up to the national side now,” claimed Navas, who is still under the impression that the Austrian capital lies somewhere on the outskirts of Almería.

LLL Prediction - Home win

---------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Will Kun's Chelsea double cause his departure?

Tim Stannard — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:00:00 GMT

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE RESULTS, Tue Nov 3: AC Milan 1-1 Real Madrid, Apoel Nicosia 0-1 FC Porto, Atletico Madrid 2-2 Chelsea, Bayern Munich 0-2 Bordeaux, Besiktas 0-3 Wolfsburg, Maccabi Haifa 0-1 Juventus, Manchester United 3-3 CSKA Moscow, Marseille 6 (six) -1 FC Zurich

Atlético’s bittersweet 2-2 Champions League draw with Chelsea not only put the rojiblancos out of the competition with two group games to play, but also bombarded the brains of the owners of the Calderon club with dollar signs.

Kun Agüero’s rather handy cameo appearance and brace against Abramovich’s boys was pretty much the first time that the Argentinian striker has done anything of note so far this season.

But Kun’s timing was perfect, considering the club currently have a squirrel’s suitcase of a chance of qualifying for next season’s competition and the fantastic funds it would bring in - funds needed to pay for the cost of a new training centre and stadium.

And his delightful double can only have attracted even more interest from the already flirtatious London club (transfer ban notwithstanding), with Carlo Ancelotti (still being in charge next summer notwithstanding) admitting that he would not be averse to the idea of putting him into bed with Didier Drogba, metaphorically speaking.

“Abramovich may have a lot of money, but he doesn’t have Kun,” taunted F.J. Díaz, perhaps speaking about six months too soon.

Atleti’s performance was very sprightly indeed. After it, La Liga Loca desperately tried probing Chelsea players to see what changes they'd spotted from Abel Resino’s rabble that was squashed 4-0 at Stamford Bridge.

Sadly, the blog drew a blank from by Frank and got a "no" from Joe (although he also said sorry. But that doesn’t rhyme).

But it did discover that Michael Ballack is frackin’ enormous and has vowed to only say good things about the brilliant, charismatic and some would say boundary-breaking German midfielder, who will go down in the history books as one of the true greats of the game.

Madrid’s other big side, Rayo, weren’t in action, but Real were with a 1-1 draw against AC Milan.

La Liga Loca will have to take the morning paper's word for it, but the first half was apparently the best that the Castle Greyskull club has played this season.

Though that's not saying a great deal.

“A good performance, but for little reward,” shrugs AS.

“A good performance, but for little reward,” say Marca, too, before going on to hail the first 45 minutes as magnificent.

For some time now, Karim Benzema has been complaining that he cannot play properly with Raúl slotting himself into his favourite holes, as it were.

And it seems that the Frenchman was quite right after another decent performance without the club captain blocking his passages – a performance which produced Madrid’s first goal at Milan since 1956.

“Away from Raúl, Benzema is another player,” notes Alfredo Relaño in Wednesday’s AS editorial.

It’s Barcelona’s turn to make amends after a home defeat in the Champions League with a visit to face Rubin Kazan, and all the talk is of the sub-zero, nipple-raising temperatures that will face Pep’s Dream Boys in Ruskieland.

Not that Guardiola will be using it as an excuse, mind.

“Champions should be able to play in the cold or at 40 degrees,” Cantona-d the Barça boss.

And nor will the Catalan press. For the moment.

“Neither the freezing temperatures" – it’s only about -8, for Pete’s sake – "nor the bad state of the pitch should be an excuse,” says Sport's Josep Maria Casanovas, setting himself up for using the freezing temperatures and the bad state of the pitch as an excuse in case of a bad result on Wednesday night.

The paper reports that the side will be ready for action as the club have brought the all-important consignment of ham plus coats, hats and gloves - the four things any Spaniard cannot be without as soon as the temperature drops below 18 degrees.

Mundo Deportivo have also picked up on the frost-tinged theme of the night’s action with Wednesday’s headline predicting “Barça on ice” (in English).

It seems a shame to leave Sevilla until last, considering how magnificent they have been in the competition with their 100 percent record. But that’s just tough titties.

However, a win against struggling Stuttgart (and a failure to pick up points by Unirea) will see the Andalusian side as winners of their group with two rounds still to play.

Which is evidently a little bit better than the rest of their counterparts in la Liga.

* Public Service Announcement - La Liga Loca is already promising LIVE Tweeting from the Madrid derby on Saturday night. But the blog is heading to Getafe vs Depor just a few hours before.

If, let’s say, five people add “yes, please” into the comments section then La Liga Loca may, just may, tweet from what is sure to be a thrilling encounter in the Coliseum as a side with all the spine of roadkill jellyfish take on the dullest team in the galaxy.

---------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...

Men of Madrid await day of doom

Tim Stannard — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:30:00 GMT

Tonight's Champions League games: APOEL v Porto , ATLETICO MADRID v Chelsea , Bayern Munich v Bordeaux , Besiktas v VfL Wolfsburg , Maccabi Haifa v Juventus , Manchester United v CSKA Moskva , Milan v REAL MADRID , Olympique Marseille v Zürich

If there's one thing that will surely unite the bickering fans of Madrid’s Big Two on Wednesday morning, it’s the fact that they are all going to be big, fat Champions League losers. Oh yes.

Everyone will be mentally wearing the letter ‘L’ on their foreheads.

Or rather, considering they're Spanish, the letter ‘P’ for 'perdedor' (that's what Beck sings in the chorus of Loser, music and fact fans).

Although ‘P’ could also stand for a number of other nouns.

Pathetico Atlético, for starters, have only managed to beat Zaragoza and Marbella in the season's 13 matches so far, and are on the brink of facing Chelsea at the Vicente Calderón.

That's Frank Lampard and Michael Essien up against Paulo ruddy Assunçao and Cleber blooming Santana.

And that’s not even mentioning the returning Didier Drogba smashing his way through Atlético’s backpedalling back four.

But instead of Carlo Ancelotti threatening to carve out the opposition’s hearts out with spoons, Sheriff of Nottingham-style, the Italian manager set phasers to bore with his pre-match declaration on his counterpart: “Quique is a good manager, who is going to do a good job, has good players but who are not in a good run of form.”

Quique Sánchez Flores - to use his full title - is still in the sunny spell where not even Atlético’s lunatic leaders would consider firing him, so he was able to chirp that despite the impending possibility of a 11-0 drubbing, the Champions League clash “can give us a lot but take very little away from us.”

Except, perhaps, their dignity.

But then again, that headed off to the airport with bags in hand a few seconds after Mallorca’s last-gasp equaliser at the Calderón 10 days ago.

AS are attempting to give the thumbs-up to Atleti by saying that there has already been a revolution in the Rojiblanco ranks – not that La Liga Loca was able to witness any evidence of this against Athletic on Saturday.

The main change, claims the paper, is that the defence is now playing nearer to their own goal-line.

However, La Liga Loca can remember praise being given in the second half of last season to Abel Resino for playing the defensive line further up the pitch, giving the impression that the club is indulging in some kind of year-long hokey-cokey experiment.

And speaking of ridiculous but entertaining follies, Real Madrid are heading to Italian shores - where things never normally go well - to a stadium where they have played 12 competitive games and lost 10 of them. (The other two were draws).

AC Milan are looking to extend this impressive record from the Spanish side with a victory in San Siro.

And to celebrate this great event, Marca have brought together Paolo Maldini and Kaká for Tuesday’s edition.

The result was chaos and controversy in its purest form with the iconic Italian predicting that “we are going to see a great game” while his Brazilian former team-mate spectacularly contradicted The Dishy One by opining that the encounter will be “a special game.”

La Liga Loca was going to write that Milan will be looking to hold their place at the top of the group C table, but it is not sure if that’s entirely correct.

That’s because in Marca’s alternate version of the ranking, it's Madrid who are perched in the No.1 spot.

Both Madrid papers are predicting that Manuel Pellegrini will be sticking with the side that beat Getafe on Saturday night.

But unfortunately, La Liga Loca won’t be able to see a minute of the defeat.

After all, it will be a busy as a beaver in the Vicente Calderón twittering away from 20.30 CET, and finding out whether the very, very grown-up Chelsea fan in full Chelsea kit (including shorts and socks) - but wearing a Real Madrid baseball cap - that La Liga Loca saw on Sunday will be going back to England a happy, clappy man-child.

Twitter links: Follow La Liga Loca (and, while you're at it, FourFourTwo)

---------------------------------------------

FourFourTwo.com: More to read...