The Draw Specialist

Premier Sketch: Alarm clocks, atheism & top drawer saves

2011-05-11T10:24:00Z

Chelsea fans will be searching for the alarm clocks hidden underneath the piles of half price Fernando Torres shirts in the Chelsea Megastore - after all, if their side is to have a chance of winning something, they're going to need to wake up their back four.

The inability of the Blues defence to turn up for their biggest game of the season looks to have handed Manchester United the title, although it could also have been down to Javier Hernandez’s friend upstairs?

United now need just a point from their final two matches against Blackburn and Blackpool to seal the championship; commentators all over the country will be rehearsing their 90 minute (or 98th depending on who’s winning) babble about Liverpool finally being knocked of their perch all week.

Goal of the week was scored by Everton’s Leon Osman during his side’s 2-1 home win over Champions League chasing Manchester City. It was quite some feat from the 4ft5 midfielder to out-jump City’s towering centre backs and power a looping header over England’s No. 1 Joe Hart.

City tried their hardest to achieve a last minute slip and finish outside the top four, but unfortunately on Tuesday night Peter Crouch was the difference between Tottenham and City for the second time in a year - firing into his own net to put City in with a chance of getting knocked out of the qualifying rounds of the Champions League...

Spurs finally dropped the Draw Specialist’s favourite comedy keeper, Heurelho Gomes. The Brazilian has an uncanny knack of pulling off ’top draw saves’ and stopping penalties but unfortunately for his team, no sooner has he tipped the ball round the post he’s rugby tackling an opposition striker in the box to give away another.

Blackpool’s Charlie Adam was the main beneficiary this weekend, using his “cultured left foot” with pinpoint accuracy, Gareth Bale’s ankle can vouch for that.

On Monday night Fulham’s keeper Mark Schwartzer was auditioning for a slot in between a North London team’s sticks by handing the opposition – on this occasion Liverpool - a handful of goals, including a second hat trick in just over two weeks for Maxi Rodrigez.

See you next week, I’m off to return a football back to the City of Manchester stadium, Edin Dzeko’s effort has just landed in the back garden.

Prem sketch: Shocks as Torres scores for Chelsea and Arsenal concede

2011-04-26T10:08:00Z

We really have to begin with the highlight of the weekend: Fernando Torres coming off the bench and finally notching a goal for his nearly new club Chelsea, keeping their title challenge alive with a 3-0 win over West Ham. It only took him a couple of months, so that £50m is looking like a bargain for a substitute.

For a moment it looked as though the sopping wet Stamford Bridge field had denied the sulking Spaniard to celebrate in front of his adoring fans, but luckily he was able to turn and slam the ball past a helpless Robert Green in the Hammers’ goal.

After the match Torres dedicated the goal to the fans who he says have been so patient and have really made him feel at home by singing the exact same song that Liverpool fans used to sing about him – they’re an original bunch over there aren’t they?

Staying in the London area, the Arsenal side should really be commended this season: it’s a miracle how they have been able to keep within fighting distance of Manchester United and Chelsea without the aid of a backbone. But on Sunday their challenge surely came to an end at Bolton's Reebok Stadium.

After the Gunners' calamitous last-minute defending last weekend it wasn’t a great surprise when Bolton’s Tamir Cohen did his dad proud, rising above the amoebas in the visiting defence and heading home a 90th-minute winner. Cue the once ice cool Arsene Wenger taking out his frustrations out on an innocent bottle of water for the third week in a row.

Let’s finish on a lighter note, with a round of Guess the Goal. See if you can figure out who curled in this little beauty over the weekend, leaving the keeper grasping at thin air. No prizes this week, it’s just for fun folks. Now go and get ready for the royal wedding to see if you can catch Mr Beckham’s latest efforts to get himself knighted.

Premier sketch: Russian belters, barn doors & Roy's resurgence

2011-04-12T11:21:00Z

There were several cracking goals this weekend, but none better than the one scored by Everton’s Diniyar Bilyaletdinov which put his side well on the way to a convincing 3-0 away win over struggling Wolves.

Take a look closely at the replay and you’ll even see a few Wolves fans flinching as if the ball is going to burst through the net and keep hurtling towards their faces. The Russian comes up with efforts like this every now and then, just to let everyone know he’s still around despite never really justifying his whopping £10 million transfer fee - and to think Everton fans always tell us they don’t have any money…

While we’re on the subject of splashing the cash with reckless abandon, how about that reserve striker on Chelsea’s books? No, not Bolton’s on loan goal-machine Daniel Sturridge, but the striker who can’t even hit a barn door at the moment, Fernando Torres.

It’s now ten games that the Spaniard has been doing an impression of a blind fisherman (he just can’t seem to find the net) and the pressure will probably have increased this week as, not only did Phil Neville bag himself a goal, but Liverpool‘s new No.9 did too. Here’s how it’s done Fernando.

No such goal droughts as far as West Bromwich Albion are concerned; what on Earth is going on at the Hawthorns? Since Roy Hodgson took over the Baggies have gone on a seven game unbeaten run and on Saturday they came from behind twice to win 3-2 at Sunderland, Paul Scharner finishing off a tidy move for the winner.

Hodgson’s men have now leapfrogged Sunderland into 10th place, and if this outstanding run continues you can bet it won’t be long until some are campaigning for him to take over from Fabio Capello. Hold on a minute something feels all too familiar…

It may have been a particularly uncontroversial round of Premier League action - with only the aforementioned Phil Neville strike sending jaws dropping to the ground in stunned disbelief, and no incidents involving scowling red-faced strikers elbowing their fellow professionals, questioning officials’ parentage, or telling millions of worldwide television viewers where to go - but spare a thought for Colleen Rooney, who had two screaming kids to keep entertained on a Saturday afternoon rather than just the one…

Premier Sketch: goalie bags, S.A.D. and a free-kick-off

2011-03-23T11:20:00Z

Have you ever wondered what goalkeepers keep in those little goalie bags they stick in the back of their net? Spare gloves, obviously; tape, probably; the Barcelona keeper might take a novel in case Xavi, Inesta, & Co. decide to play some keep-ball.

Well, Arsenal’s No.1 Manuel Almunia no doubt stores his brain in his, and if you took a peek into Jens Lehman’s man-bag you’d not only get a slap from Mad Jens but you’d possibly find a voodoo doll of the selfsame hapless Spanish keeper.

On Saturday, Almunia was up to his usual tricks of costing the Gunners vital points in the title race, but what did his boss Arsene Wenger expect after bringing back the Spaniard’s arch enemy to watch over and make fun of his every move?

Meanwhile over at Old Trafford another goalkeeping mistake was handing league leaders Manchester United a rather fortunate win over Bolton, and it was the Trotters' usually safe keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen who fumbled a tame effort from Nani straight into the path of Bulgarian supersub Dimitar Berbatov – prompting the usual “Easiest goal he'll ever score” quotes.

Perhaps the Finnish keeper was surprised to see the Portuguese winger on the field in the first place after suffering a “season-ending” injury just two weeks ago. No one realised at the time that by "season" the doctor meant "winter".

Talking of injuries, all our good thoughts go out to Bolton’s Stuart Holden after a tackle from Jonny Evans necessitated 26 stitches in a knee wound and ruled him out for six months. Does Nani feel silly for crying now? No, probably not.

Let’s finish with two cracking, and very different free-kicks; you can make you own mind up whether you’re a fan of force or finesse. The first one was a thunderbolt from Danny Higginbotham capping a wonderful 4-0 win for Stoke over Newcastle…

...and the second was conjured from the cultured left foot (it reads poetry you know!) of Blackpool’s Charlie Adam in the 2-2 draw with Blackburn.

Which do you prefer?

Premier Sketch: Snipers, snoods and a birthday present

2011-03-08T09:52:00Z

It sure is nice to see justice done on the football field; it doesn’t happen too much during a season, so let’s make the most of it. For example, an undeserved penalty missed by the player who flung himself through the air to win the kick in the first place – lovely!

Aston Villa’s Ashley Young has been rather too often comically launching himself either into defenders or sometimes thin air to try to win his side a spot kick – and getting away with it the majority of times. It sure was nice to see Bolton keeper Jüssï Jääskëläïnën fling his own body through the air and turn Young’s penalty away on Saturday to contribute to a Bolton 3-2 win.

Young’s latest display could very well see himself in deep water with the big wigs at FIFA after their get-together this week – but not because of his “simulation”; no, Sepp Blatter & Co. have much more important things to worry about.

With immediate effect the Villa winger, and the entire Manchester City squad for that matter, are banned from wearing snoods on the football field as Blatter and his senile friends have decided they are far too dangerous. So look out for sky blue polo necks galore next week.

Speaking of the chilly-necked citizens, Roberto Mancini's men put the distressing snood ban to one side and kept their title dreams alive with a win against meat and potato pie specialists Wigan. The winner was fortunate, to say the least; winger David Silva let fly with a grasscutter that seemed destined to end up in the usually safe hands of Latics’ reliable keeper Ali al-Habsi but instead the Oman international, legs akimbo, let the ball squirm through his hands and trickle over the line. Still, at least he didn’t cry.

No such good luck for Manchester’s other team though, as United were well and truly outclassed by Liverpool at Anfield. Dirk Kuyt gifted manager Kenny Dalglish a late birthday present with a memorable hat-trick that fellow Dutchman Ruud van Nistelrooy would have been proud of: not one of Kuyt’s goals came from outside the six-yard box.

However, credit must go to Anfield new boy Luis Suarez, who covered more ground in setting up Kuyt’s opener than Fernando Torres did in a red shirt all season – and his mazy run seemed to send a message to his new boss.

So it's two losses in a row for the league leaders and as usual the result was taken well by the Old Trafford coaching staff. Fergie & Co’s decision to blank the media was probably welcomed by referee Phil Dowd, as no doubt the United hierarchy would have blamed him rather than their own inadequate performance. As Depeche Mode said, "Enjoy the silence.”

Premier sketch: Rooney's shinner & Van Persie's chocolate leg

2011-02-14T11:49:00Z

According to Sir Alex Ferguson, Old Trafford witnessed ”the greatest goal ever scored at the stadium” during Saturday's Manchester derby.

Taken with a strikers’ instinct, back to goal, tightly marked, clinically striking it first time - yes, David Silva’s equaliser for Manchester City off his backside was truly breathtaking.

United's goals weren't bad either, but thankfully - unlike Rooney - the media are keeping their feet firmly on the ground in calling the England striker's spectacular winner the best ever ever ever ever ever goal in the history of the world with no arguments what so ever.

OK, so it was a fantastic goal and showed incredible athleticism for a man who looks like he enjoys his fish, chips, and odd packets of expensive cigarettes. Even Wayne himself admitted that it could well be his best goal of his career.

"I knew as soon as it his my foot that it was going in”, the lovable striker explained. Strange really, because but if you take a closer look at the goal in slow motion (switch on the television right now and you can be sure some channel will be showing it) you’ll see that the ball actually took quite a generous bounce off Rooney’ s right shin pad on it’s way past Joe Hart and into the net.

So with City falling further behind, it looks like Arsenal could be United’s sole challengers; the Gunners made easy work of Wolves with a 2-0 win which sent the Wanderers back to the bottom of the table.

Robin van Persie bagged himself another couple of goals, even scoring with what he recently described as his “chocolate leg.”

The Dutchman sweetly struck the ball and it flew into the net, it certainly wasn’t a Curly Wurly. Unfortunately Van Persie had to take an early Time Out as his ankle felt a little Crunchie, however the win has surely given his side a Boost going into their unenviable task of facing Barcelona midweek; OK, it’s definitely time to change Topic...

Moving on to the wrong end of the table where West Brom and West Ham fought out a 3-3 draw. The Baggies came out blazing and took a 3-0 lead; obviously they were trying to impress their newly appointed boss Roy Hodgson. Graham Dorrans scored the pick of the bunch with this 30-yard screamer.

Hodgson faces an interesting couple of months at the Hawthorns. After spending the first half of the season underachieving at Liverpool, he has now been given the task of keeping Albion in the division. Why Chris Hughton was overlooked is anyone’s guess...

Meanwhile at the Anfield Megastore

2011-02-04T16:03:00Z

The Offside Law: A Cartoon View

2011-01-28T13:50:00Z

Premier Sketch: Hat-tricks, Christmas cards & sexism

2011-01-24T11:27:00Z

The top end of the table saw mixed fortunes for the two Manchester clubs this weekend; United continued to astound everyone with their unbeaten run, with opponents Birmingham City giving them a helping hand in the opening minutes.

The Blues’ defence went missing quicker than Harry Redknapp’s wallet, allowing Bulgarian striker Dimitar Berbatov to show fellow forward Wayne Rooney how it’s done with another hat trick.

But it wasn’t just the Blues defence who were in a generous mood; it was such a stroll for United that Alex Ferguson even decided to give part time footballer Michael Owen a run out. He’s just so thoughtful you know.

Things weren’t so rosy for Roberto Mancini’s City at Villa Park, as once again an error from keeper Joe Hart cost City all three points and gifted Aston Villa a much-needed win.

Debutant Darren Bent snatched the winner which no doubt will make up for being struck off Steve Bruce’s Christmas card list. Bruce spent the week bent out of shape and I’m not just talking about his nose; apparently Bent should have shown him a little more respect and stayed at Sunderland.

You can be sure that fans of Sheffield United, Wigan, Huddersfield, Crystal Palace, and Wigan again will be feeling plenty of sympathy with their former boss.

There’s a good chance that FIFA will be calling Sky’s Richard Keys and Andy Gray after their “Off air” comments about Sian Massey, the female referee’s assistant at Molineux for the visit of Liverpool, but Sepp Blatter probably won’t be berating the sexist duo, he’ll be giving them a firm handshake and asking them out for a drink.

According to Sky’s top football presenters, women shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near football as they don’t have a clue about the offside rule; one of the things that they seem to be forgetting is that Howard Webb and his male counterparts are ridiculed by fans, commentators, players, and managers for their mistakes and dreadful decisions in the Premier League almost every week.

Kenny Dalglish’s daughter Kelly Cates, who has more knowledge of football than Richard Keys in her little finger gave this tremendous response on Twitter after the game, “Phew am exhausted, just read about something called 'the offside rule’. Too much for my tiny brain. Must be damaged from nail polish fumes.”

But all in all it was a great weekend for the Dalglish family; Liverpool’s 3-0 victory at Molyneux was their first win under Dalglish’s reign, or as some journalists spun it “Dalglish’s first win as a Liverpool manager for 20 years.”

This dipping volley from Raul Meireles was without doubt the goal of the weekend…

Premier Sketch: Chilean miners, marine haircuts & Barton's sausage-legs

2010-12-15T11:04:00Z

Manchester City moved joint-top of the table for a few days with a 3-0 away win at West Ham, after Chelsea continued their stuttering run of winless games.

The weekend’s best goal scored by a snood-wearer came at Upton Park; City’s Yaya Toure earning the honours with a wicked left-footed drive.

So life is great at Eastlands, unless you happen to be the confused City captain Carlos Tevez, who is just figuring out that signing a five-year contract to make you City’s highest earner then, just months later, announcing you’re not really too keen on playing football anymore doesn’t make you particularly popular.

Speaking of bad decision making, you would think a team run by the owner of a chain of cheap sporting goods stores could find his players a pair of shorts that don’t cut off their circulation. Let’s just say that it’s pretty easy to figure out what religion Joey Barton is.

At times, football can be an unpredictable sport - but one thing you can always rely on is Newcastle sacking their manager at least once a season.

Chris Hughton outrageously became the first Premier League boss to be shown the door this season. Although the decision wasn’t greeted with too much enthusiasm, Hughton’s successor Alan Pardew lead the Magpies to a 3-1 win over Liverpool.

The Reds backline was bullied by Andy Carroll all afternoon and Martin Skrtel was given a torrid time even though he looks the for all the world like a centre back you don’t want to mess with:

Marine haircut -Check
Full of tattoos - Check
Lack of snood - Check
Eastern European - Check, actually Slovak.

On Monday night Manchester United’s guests, the Chilean miners, witnesses United move above their City neighbours taking top spot after beating a disappointing Arsenal 1-0.

The prolific Wayne Rooney took advantage of his late penalty kick to belt the ball at one of the many Stretford enders who had booed him onto the field a few weeks ago.

When asked how they had coped with being stuck in such a dark, damp, and depressing place the miners replied “It wasn’t so bad they gave us plenty of prawn sandwiches at halftime.”

And finally here’s this weeks’ Guess the goal; bonus points for naming the reclining back four...

Premier Sketch: Lady Gaga, snoods and Pop Tarts

2010-12-06T11:01:00Z

RESULTS Sat 4 Dec Arsenal 2-1 Fulham, Birmingham City 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur, Blackburn Rovers 3-0 Wolverhampton Wanderers, Chelsea 1-1 Everton, Manchester City 1-0 Bolton Wanderers, Wigan Athletic 2-2 Stoke City, Blackpool P-P Manchester United Sun 5 Dec West Bromwich Albion 3-1 Newcastle United, Sunderland 1-0 West Ham United

The Premier League is having more changes at the top than Lady Gaga in a hat shop. With Manchester United’s game at Blackpool called off – who doesn't have undersoil heating these days?! – and Chelsea bottling it again at home to a fragile Everton side, things open for a nervy-looking Arsenal to leap frog both teams with a 2-1 win over fellow Londoners Fulham.

The Gunners’ most consistent performer (aside from the always dreadful Manuel Almunia) and shameless snood-wearer Samir Nasri scored both of his side’s goals in spectacular style. For the winner, he glided past the Fulham defence, rounded keeper Mark Schwarzer and guided the ball in the net.

Snood Watch
Forget El Clasico and England’s disastrous World Cup bid – the real football fan is still talking about those damn snoods. Manchester City can’t seem to get enough of them: they had more players wearing them on Saturday than England got World Cup votes. The guilty parties this week were Mario Baletti, Yaya Toure and goalscorer Carloz Tevez.

During the week, the Argentinian striker had complained about the childish behaviour of modern professional footballers. Then he threw his own toys out of the pram when substituted with only minutes remaining, showing his very own ugly side of his game.

Crap Kits
Ever since Owen Coyle took over the helm at Bolton, the Trotters have looked like a very tidy outfit… tactically. But club sponsors and kit makers Reebok have a lot to answer for: they introduced the world to The Step, and The Pump, and they continue to outdo themselves with awful Bolton kits.

This away one looks like they put as much effort into it as a Dimitar Berbatov penalty. Or maybe they were going for the Kevin Davies "spilled jam Pop Tart all down the front" look.

Guess That Goal
Let’s end this week with a new segment: Guess That Goal. We have a re-enactment of one of the goals in this week’s Premier League games and all you have to do is figure out who scored it and which game it was from. Answers on a postcard…

Premier Sketch: Seven-goal hauls, Carlo Raddishlotti & snoods

2010-12-01T12:21:00Z

Well it looks like Fergie owes Sam Allardyce another couple of bottles of red wine after his side went back to the top of the table with a shocking 7-1 win over Big Sam’s Blackburn.

Rovers will be cursing the icy conditions as they seem to be the one thing that makes Dimitar Berbatov break into a jog. The Bulgarian helped himself to a staggering five goals, keeping United fans off his back for another week or so and, according to Sky TV who invented football in the early 90’s, equalling the English record amount of goals in a game.

If Arsenal’s Ted Drake was alive today you can be sure he’d mention his seven-goal haul against Villa. As for Big Sam, well it looks like his rant about coaching Real Madrid might not be too far off the mark, Real’s similarly pathetic 5-0 defeat in Monday night’s El Clasico proved that the Rovers’ boss would fit in quite nicely.

Over in the posh part of London, just what are Chelsea playing at? After a 1-1 draw away to Newcastle, they’ve now gone three weeks without a league win.

Just a few weeks ago Carlo Ancelotti was being hailed by the tabloids as a managerial genius and one of the greatest coaches in Premier League history (there they go again) - now it’s only a matter of time before they give him the Graham Taylor treatment and start turning his name into a vegetable. Carlo Raddishlotti, anybody?

More comedy defending by the Blues lead to Newcastle’s opener with a mix up between Cech and Alex gifting Andy Carroll a simple tap in.

Plenty of contenders for goal of the week; Bolton duo Martin Petrov and Mark Davies score tremendous goals against Blackpool, but West Bromwich Albion’s Youssouf Mulumbu’s chipped (albeit deflected) effort finished off a wonderful flowing move and just about pushes out team mate Chris Brunt’s free kick (which is more than can be said for Everton keeper Tim Howard…).

It was a memorable game for the Albion substitute, who earned himself a second yellow card just minutes after picking up a first caution for celebrating his fabulous goal. Don’t those rules just make perfect sense? A yellow card for enjoying scoring a goal but a mouthful of verbals directed at the lineman gets completely ignored, very sensible.

Finally, you may have noticed that it’s starting to get a tiny bit chilly in Britain, but Jack Frost isn’t the only nasty thing creeping onto Premier League pitches these days, and just like the Blob there’s a real worry that it’s spreading and getting out of control.

First we had the tights, then came gloves and now the latest football craze that’s in danger of sweeping the nation, the Snood!

Parents beware, if your child adores Tevez, Nasri, Rooney, or even Craig Gordon be prepared to spend a little extra this Christmas to get the snood that matches the replica kit.

Premier Sketch: Hairy potterer, underpants, snot and Swede-bashing

2010-11-22T10:59:00Z

Well, he finally returned after much anticipation this week, ready for action, and looking better than ever. And what a reception he was treated to; Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid just couldn’t hold back their delight at Harry Potter’s re-appearance at Hogwarts.

Oh and Wayne Rooney wandered around Old Trafford for a bit, too.

RESULTS Sat 20 Nov Arsenal 2-3 Tottenham Hotspur, Birmingham City 1-0 Chelsea, Blackpool 2-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers, Bolton Wanderers 5-1 Newcastle United, Manchester United 2-0 Wigan Athletic, West Bromwich Albion 0-3 Stoke City, Liverpool 3-0 West Ham United Sun 21 Nov Blackburn Rovers 2-0 Aston Villa, Fulham 1-4 Manchester City

Let’s start with the undoubted game of the week: the North London derby, certainly a game of two halves. The Gunners ruled the first 45 minutes and went two goals up, but Spurs fought back fiercely to win with a late Kaboul header.

Tottenham can thank Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas’s brainless handball to block a freekick that gifted Rafael van der Vaart an equaliser from the spot. It’s a move that the Spaniard has pulled off many times before without being penalised for; perhaps his continuous efforts to officiate the game actually work in his favour.

Goal of the week
At the beginning of the season Blackpool hosting Wolverhampton Wanderers didn’t sound like a showstopper but if this season has taught us anything it’s to remember that awful phrase, "Expect the unexpected”. Luke Varney cracked in the Tangerines’ opening goal with a wonderful chest trap and thunderbolt past Wolves’ heavy metal-lovin', car-tinkerin' keeper Marcus Hahnemann.

Blackpool’s nursery-rhyme illuminations may have been blown down last week but the Tangerines’ fairytale start to Premier League life is still going strong as they return to the top half of the table.

Crap Kits
Chelsea's third shirt sums up the Stamford Bridge’s November. Birmingham City pulled off the upset of the weekend with a 1-0 victory over the league leaders; to everyone’s relief, goalscorer Lee “no underpants” Bowyer decided against a Mirko Vucinic-style goal celebration.

Meanwhile as if this month hasn’t been bad enough, Chelsea’s squad had to turn out in their third shirt, which is mucus green with some sort of black tyre track running down the middle of it. It certainly didn’t turn out to be a black tie affair for the Blues who have now lost three games in a row – not championship-winning material whatever way you look at it.

Finally, last week Johan Elmander scored a goal that a certain famous Dutch Johan would have been proud of. The Bolton striker will be lucky to remember his two goals scored against Newcastle this weekend as The Toon’s backline took it in turn to brutalise the Swede’s swede.

Fabricio Coloccini was rightfully shown a straight red after he disgracefully swung an elbow at Elmander’s face, but Mike Williamson avoided punishment for a cowardly off-the-ball head-butt that looked to have knockout the Bolton striker out cold.

However, the FA's review system could bring a bit of justice to the situation as referee Howard Webb missed the incident. Now, does this mean Frank Lampard’s goal against Germany could still be given?

Premier Sketch: Dancing, drunks and pie & chips

2010-11-16T11:15:00Z

The race for the Premier League was blown well and truly open thanks to the performance of the week from Sunderland, who trounced current champions and league leaders Chelsea at Stamford Bridge.

Ghanaian striker Asamoah Gyan looks to be settling in nicely, scoring another goal – his fourth in three games. But his celebration makes Uruguayan Luis Suarez’s World Cup handball look like a humanitarian act, especially if Bolo Zenden tries to join in.

Nedum Onuoha started the rout with a spectacular solo effort silencing the home crowd – but let’s be honest, that’s fairly easy to do at Stamford Bridge: those strategically placed flags aren’t fooling anyone. And just to rub salt in the wounds, the Black Cats’ third and final goal was gifted to Danny Welbeck by celebrity divorcee and respected author Ashley Cole.

Another Ashley fared better at Villa Park, Mr Young scoring a penalty for Aston Villa against Manchester United. Have you ever noticed how a penalty can either be brilliant or rubbish depending on whether or not it hits the back of the net or not?

This wasn’t the greatest of penalties but it had Andy Townsend describing it as “emphatic”. Perhaps Andy breathed in too many fumes in his old Tactics Truck, because if Edwin van der Sar had moved to his right instead of his left, Townsend would have said it was an awful kick at a great height for a keeper.

Talking of penalties, Jermaine Jenas take a bow. Usually, Jermaine is one of those players who leaves fans scratching their heads when he is substituted – not because they can’t believe the manager has decided to bring him off, but because they had no idea he was on the field in the first place.

This weekend the Tottenham midfielder became the latest inductee into the Draw Specialist Hall Of Shame, winning a penalty against Blackburn with a dive resembling a drunk tripping over his own shoelaces. But thankfully justice was done when Roman Pavlyuchenko screwed his kick wide of the post. Don’t you just love it when that happens?

And finally, goal of the week was Bolton’s Johan Elmander turning Wolves defenders inside and out, pirouetting like a ballerina, invoking memories of Wanderers’ icon Frank Worthington’s wonder strike against Ipswich back in the days of muddy pitches, Elvis Presley hairstyles, and steak-and-chips pre-match meals. Elmander’s goal had almost everything: smooth ball control, silky moves and a cool finish. All it was missing was a crafty cigarette at half-time.

Premier Sketch: Shockings, stockings, short sleeves and David Coleman

2010-11-08T10:50:00Z

Table-toppers Chelsea’s visit to Anfield against the slowly improving Liverpool saw Blues skipper John Terry performing his annual assault on Fernando Torres.

In previous years he’s managed to avoid cards for studs raked down the calf, a sly snot-rocket into the hair and the type of old-fashioned tackle from behind that prompts Andy Gray to chuckle “Welcome to the Premier League, son!”

But this time Big Brave John Terry really excelled himself. His royal braveness went all out, no holds barred, throwing his body through the air defying gravity and planting his right knee with full force into the back of the Liverpool striker’s neck. Just how brave can you get?

Unfortunately for the Terry it was all to no avail as Torres picked himself up and scored the two goals that won the game for the Reds. Chelsea stay top but their lead has now slipped to only two points. It’s time to pull those socks up a little higher John.

Talking of stockings, lingerie-loving top-shelf titan David Gold was shocked to hear he was refused entry into St Andrews this week. However suspicions were raised of his presence after only three minutes of this pulsating tie after City’s players were forced to avoid jets of water from the field’s sprinkler system. Insert your own dirty joke here.

“Champions League? You’re ‘avin' a laff.” After their midweek heroics against Inter Milan, Tottenham were well and truly brought down to earth at Bolton’s Reebok Stadium as England’s striker for the future Kevin Davies terrorised the Spurs backline scoring two goals and creating another. Wanderers recorded a staggering 4-2 victory and move up to sixth place in the league. Now does this mean that Wanderers would batter Inter Milan 7-3?

Another side shocking certain “experts” so far this season are Newcastle United, and Toon striker Andy Carroll must surely be in the reckoning for an England call up. Once more landlord Kevin Nolan let him out of the house and Carroll came good again, scoring the only goal of the game to cause quite an upset at Arsenal: as BBC’s David Coleman said, “Goals pay the rent!”

So with a stunning away win this week and a 5-1 derby win last week Newcastle now move up to fifth place. Chris Hughton’s P45 must surely be in the post.

And finally, talking of Arsenal here’s something to look out for (if you’re a train-spotter); this might be a coincidence but has anyone noticed how Arsenal’s squad all wear long sleeves for one game, then they all wear short sleeves in another? Keep an eye out for that next week while you’re waiting for the Gunners to get a shot off.

Premier Sketch: Chickens, whispering, booze and moustaches

2010-11-02T09:40:00Z

No prizes for guessing where we begin this week: Old Trafford and Nani’s goal to clinch Manchester United’s win against Spurs. United’s Darren Fletcher admitted to reporters that the Portuguese winger put the ball in the back of the net with a gun held to his head.

“Nani had no choice but to put the ball in the net, what else could he have done?” said Gary Neville’s replacement as spokesperson for the Old Trafford club. But is it too naive for fans of the game to think that he actually could have left the ball alone, shown some respect to his fellow footballers and walked away?

Well, after going down in instalments to win a penalty then pulling the age-old trick of grabbing the ball to force the referee to make a decision, why would anyone expect him respect to come into the equation? Paolo Di Canio would roll over in his grave if he wasn’t still alive and well.

So how about referee Mark Clattenburg and his linesman Simon Beck: can they take any of the blame for this, after their hurried whispering behind their hands like pre-teen girls in the playground? Certainly, a bit of common sense could have easily solved the situation, and maybe saved the ever-respectful Rio Ferdinand from straining his jaw.

Clattenburg: “Are you 100 percent sure the whole ball crossed the line?
Linesman: "Mark, that was last time...”

Now if you still have the game on your TVs, fast-forward to the 88th minute when Nani is about to take a corner; look at the bottom of the screen and you’ll spot Spurs forward Roman Pavlyuchenko for reasons only he knows doing an impression of a chicken.

And it wasn’t just at Old Trafford where poultry impressions were occurring; in the Tyne-Wear derby, Newcastle captain Kevin Nolan took time off from babysitting Andy Carroll to bag himself a hat-trick in the Toon’s 5-1 stuffing of Sunderland. As each goal hit the net Nolan celebrated with a chicken dance of his own. Like you do.

The performance of the week undoubtedly came from Wolverhampton Wanderers, who condemned Manchester City to their second successive defeat. After going a goal down, Wolves gallantly fought back to win 2-1. A very welcome three points for Mick McCarthy’s men, and it’s safe to say this week that the City players won’t be caught on video out on the lash.

And finally, here’s your chance to emulate those wonderful Liverpool sides of the 70s and 80s. Terry McDermott, Graeme Souness, Ian Rush, Bruce Grobbelaar & Co. were almost as famous for the hair on their upper lips as they were for their skills on the pitch. MOVEMBER is here which means even a muzzie with less bum fluff than Gary Neville will still earn you respect from your fellow man; it’s for a brilliant cause.

Prem sketch: Graffiti and Picasso

2010-10-25T10:28:00Z

Last week was another where action on the pitch was eclipsed by shenanigans off it, with Wayne Rooney all but handing in a transfer request then deciding to stay just a few days later.

Suspicious? No course not. Rooney apologised to his team-mates and admitted to the Old Trafford faithful that he feared for the club's future, wondering if United could afford to keep up with the big spenders across the city. Naturally, a big hike in his wages is the best thing for the club's transfer budget...

The off-field antics continued in Newcastle, where alleged striker Andy Carroll was ordered to live with club captain Kevin Nolan after an alleged assault. The next morning the two players were woken up by the sound of Carroll’s spanking new Range Rover bursting into flames after an alleged act of arson; Nolan was allegedly wearing Liverpool FC pyjamas and Carroll allegedly sported a kimono.

Someone really should make a television show about some of our modern day footballers, although on this evidence it would probably effectively just be repeats of Shameless.

Inevitably, both Nolan and Carroll scored the goals that gave Newcastle a well earned away win against West Ham; all around nice guy Joey Barton providing the cross for Carroll’s powerful header.

The big match this week was the annual Emmanuel Adebayor love-in at Eastlands, where Arsenal well and truly took advantage of Dedryck Boyata’s early sending off and showed the pretenders to the Premier League throne they’re still very much title contenders themselves.

Fabregas and co ran 10-man Manchester City ragged with their ticky- tacky, tippy-tappy football, battering the hosts 3-0, with Samir Nasri's first half goal epitomising the Gunners’ performance. Next up for City is a stroll over to Old Trafford; it’ll be a tough game for Wayne Rooney to watch.

And finally, football is often compared to art; both can be beautiful, expensive, and most of the time crap. So to celebrate the birthday of one of the world’s greatest painters Pablo Picasso here’s a portrait of Wolves’ manager Mick McCarthy in the style of Picasso himself.

The Spaniard was known for rearranging noses in his paintings; McCarthy’s certainly wouldn’t look out of place on one of his canvasses.

Prem Sketch: Dr Evil & Mr Dive

2010-10-19T10:01:00Z

After a dramatic week in the courts it looks like we’ve finally seen the last of former Liverpool owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett. At least they gave us all a good chuckle as they left; Tom "Dr Evil" Hicks, with little finger in mouth, announced from his tropical island hideout that he is aiming to sue the whole of Britain for, wait for it, "ONE BILLION DOLLARS!"

However, Liverpool's on-field problems continued with a 2-0 loss to Everton in the Mersey derby. New owner John Henry, who also owns baseball’s Boston Red Sox, admitted it’s going to take some time for him to adjust to this new sport. That said, Lucas Leiva, Maxi Rodriguez & Co sure made their new boss felt right at home: Henry is used to watching his players standing around doing nothing but scratching their bums all game.

Further up England's exotic West Coast at Bloomfield Road, another tremendous display from Blackpool saw them just fall short of a deserved point against Manchester City. The Sea-Sea-Seasiders managed to give City a real run for their endless supply of money and should feel a little hard done by, as at least one of Carlos Tevez’s goals should have been ruled out.

Substitute David Silva notched his first and City’s third goal, and what a wonderful way to open his account with this week’s goal of the week. Receiving the ball just outside the Blackpool area, the Spaniard jinked his way through the Tangerines and finished with a plum, sorry aplomb, curling a banana shot past the fruitless efforts of keeper Matt Gilks whose effort was fruitless. A real peach of a goal.

If City can keep this run going and finish in the top four, there’s every chance that beer bellies worldwide will be bursting the seams of sky blue shirts instead of those of their red neighbours – who once again let a two-goal lead slip. The grateful recipients of this week’s generous Manchester United defending were West Brom, who look to be in real danger of staying up this season.

The culprit for United this time was the usually reliable Edwin van der Sar, dropping a cross in a manner that Roy Carroll would be proud of, and allowing Baggies’ Somen Tchoyi a tapped-in equaliser.

With Wayne Rooney and his boss not seeing eye to eye and Nani unable to replicate his former team-mate Cristiano Ronaldo every week United could struggle to keep up with the league leaders. Could the bragging rights in Manchester finally be switching from red to blue?

Talking of Ronaldo, it looks like the Premier League has finally found his replacement, but not in the step-over, sprint down the wing, step-over, cut inside, double step-over, hammer the ball into the net and invite team-mates over to join the celebration even though they don’t really want to kind of way.

He’s already pulled off the hairstyle, now Arsenal’s Marouane Chamakh is trying to emulate the Portugeezer’s ability to win a penalty with defenders 10 yards away, and he pulled it off to perfection this weekend during his side’s home win against Birmingham. But with referees forgetting to book players for cheating and the FA unwilling to enforce retroactive action through video evidence, what do players have to lose?

So let’s try to get our game back: it’s time to name and shame. This week the Draw Specialist Hall of Shame opens and Mr Chamakh has just picked up an enormous pair of scissors and cut the ribbons.

Rockets and roller-coasters

2010-10-04T08:58:00Z

We’re seven games into the season, so it’s about time people started asking if the title race is already over. After last week’s hiccup in Manchester, Chelsea continue their relentless march at the top of the table, Arsenal appear to be lightweight, and Manchester United, to put it politely, failed to leave their problems in the changing room.

The big clash at Stamford Bridge saw Chelsea’s Didier Drogba once again bully Arsenal into defeat, leaving Arsene Wenger's men seven points behind the league leaders. The Ivorian scored his usual goal against the Gunners to put his side one up but it was Blues defender Alex who stole the show with a second-half screamer. The ball was last spotted orbiting the Earth, trawling satellites with the goal net. As Alan Partridge once screamed, “He’s got a foot like a traction engine!!!!!”

Game of the weekend was at Anfield between the once mighty Blackpool and the once mighty Liverpool. Ian Holloway’s men took the game to the home side and get their just desserts coming away with all three points. Charlie Adam is looking very much a Premier League player and goalkeeper Michael Gilks is performing miracles.

The Tangerines, who played some fantastic football, are now proud owners of the best away record in the league, while the Reds find themselves in the bottom three with Fernando Torres looking at yet another lengthy spell on the sidelines. The Mersey derby is next and with both sides languishing in the bottom half it’s a real six-pointer.

Crap kits
Yikes! A double dose of awfulness in England’s second city this weekend; obviously Everton’s pink away strip tops the table of crimes against football fashion but Birmingham City’s home kit gives it a damn good run for its money. Last season’s effort, was rubbish but this year’s one has somehow managed to top it with a nod towards one of Roger Hargreaves’ characters, Mr. Bump.

Quote of the week
And finally a real beauty from Manchester City’s assistant manager Brian Kidd after Nigel De Jong’s shocking leg-breaker on Newcastle’s promising Hatem Ben Arfa: “Everybody knows Nigel and he is as honest as the day is long.” Xabi Alonso might disagree with you there, as he continues to pick out De Jong’s studs from his chest.

And Brian, please don’t add that he’s not that type of lad. “There was no malice in Nigel's challenge and Nigel is not that type of lad.” Aarghh!!! “He's the same in training and there's no malice in Nigel de Jong." He’s the same in training? No wonder City’s injury list is as long as Peter Crouch’s arm...

Prem sketch: Excuse him, he's from Pamplona

2010-09-29T12:37:00Z

Last weekend produced more surprises than most children get on Christmas morning, actually that’s not really saying a whole lot as nowadays as most teenagers already know they’re getting , an Xbox, a Wii and TV. that’s bigger than their parents’ car - that sort of thing.

Saturday’s early afternoon battle of the nouveau riche at The City of Manchester Stadium saw swashbuckling league leaders Chelsea lose their first league game of the season, and once again it was Carlos Tevez breaking the hearts of the travelling fans.

The surprises continued at Emirates Stadium, where West Bromwich Albion shocked Arsenal with a stunning 3-2 victory. When former Gunners’ keeper Jens Lehmann returned to Germany we all figured that the Arsenal goalmouth would lose it’s comedy value, but nothing could be further from the truth; now we have two keepers to keep us entertained in Fabianski and Almunia.

It was the latter, Manuel, who was living up his Fawlty Towers namesake yet again, gifting Albion with their second goal then flapping at their third. It’s strange to think that there was once a campaign to try and get this guy into the England squad…

The biggest surprise of the weekend, however, was at Molineux during Aston Villa’s visit to local neighbours Wolves. It wasn’t Gerard Houllier’s decision to finally take his seat on the Villa bench that raised everyone’s eyebrows but a sight rarer than the Pinta Island tortoise; Emile Heskey powering Villa’s winner past the helpless Wolves keeper Marcus Hahnemann, for his first league goal of the season.

Meanwhile, up at the Reebok stadium, another former Houllier pupil was snatching a point for Manchester United. Michael Owen came off the bench and saved the day with a late equalizer against Bolton. Alex Ferguson must surely be getting worried as his unconvincing defence conceded yet another two goals, with Rio Ferdinand still struggling to put a run of games together.

And talking of struggling, how about Newcastle United’s James Perch? Well it looks like the poor chap might just be out of his depth (no pun intended) in the Premier League. After picking up a yellow card in every appearance this season he earned himself a match ban. On the weekend, with his side drawing 1-1 with Stoke, Perch marked his comeback with a game winning header. Leaping like a salmon, he steered a cross into the back of his own net winning the game for the Potters.

On a positive note, he didn’t get himself booked…

And finally, no surprises at Anfield, Liverpool failed to beat Sunderland, and teenage referee Stuart Attwell found himself in the middle of all sorts of controversy.

Just over a year ago the same two teams witnessed one of the most bizarre goals ever seen in English football; the “Beach ball goal”, this one wasn’t in the same league as that but it was still bizarre.

Only Michael Turner knows whether he was playing the ball back to his keeper for him to take a freekick or punt the ball upfield. But what we do know is that we can be thankful that we’ve been spared a week of hearing analysts comment on Fernando Torres’ “lack of effort” and “poor body language”, as the Liverpool striker sprinted onto the backpass and played Dirk Kuyt in for a first time finish into the net, either that or the Dutchman was trying to trap the ball, it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes.

As you can imagine Sunderland manager wasn’t too pleased with Attwell’s decision to allow the goal; puffing out his chest as his face gradually turned purple, it was hard not to mistake him for, Charlie and the Chocolate factory’s Violet Beauregarde. It’s fair to say the beach ball is now dead and buried.

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Premier sketch: Freaks, bikes and jokers

2010-09-20T10:16:00Z

We’re seeing an extraordinary amount of freak goals this season, and I don’t mean Peter Crouch is in top form…

Last week Chelsea’s Salomon Kalou benefited from a wicked deflection, and this week it was Cesc Fabregas at the Stadium of Light. Sunderland’s Anton Ferdinand, trying to emulate his brother, dwelled on the ball for way too long before deciding to punt it upfield.

Unfortunately for the Black Cats defender, the ball ricocheted off the ankle of the onrushing Cesc Fabregas and flew all of 40 yard into the net. Minutes later, the Gunners’ playmaker left the game having injured himself while scoring.

It’s unknown whether Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger will be spending the week trying to convince the F.A. that opposition players are now kicking the ball much too hard against his poor little players, but just to rub it in, Wenger had to watch his side give up a late Darren Bent equalizer in the fifth of four added minutes.

People complain there are no longer any characters in the game, and that it’s all a bit too serious; where have all the jokers gone? Well relax, we’ve finally found one. This week the Blackburn Rovers pressroom was converted into a comedy club and a new comedian, Big Sam emerged.

"I'm not suited to Bolton or Blackburn, I would be more suited to Inter Milan or Real Madrid” said Sam with a straight face as giggles eminated from the back of the packed room. Giggles turned to raucous laughter as Sam followed it up with this hilarious one liner, “It wouldn't be a problem to me to go and manage those clubs because I would win the double or the league every time. “

Big Sam now had the crowd eating out of his hand and he hit them with his final rib-tickler, “Give me Manchester United or Chelsea and I would do the same, it wouldn't be a problem, thanks very much you’ve been a great audience.”

No one was laughing at Goodison Park however; it must be tough being an Everton fan, one week your team doggedly claws back a two goal deficit against Manchester United, then roll over at home to newly promoted Newcastle the next.

If it’s any consolation, they may have witnessed the emergence of a real talent in Newcastle’s Hatem Ben Arfa. The cockney sounding Frenchman scored a wonder goal on his full Newcastle debut and dazzled the Goodison crowd with some sublime skill.

Ben Arfa’s left foot has already been labelled “cultured” by the football community; does anyone out there know of anyone with a cultured right foot? Why is it that right feet don’t get the same credit? Apparently Even Zidane didn’t have one!

The big game of the weekend was at rainy Old Trafford, and saw Manchester United’s Dimitar Berbatov stealing the show from two goal Steven Gerrard with a hat trick.

Berbatov is in fantastic form right now and if it continues then there’s every chance he’ll actually manage to contribute more goals to United’s cause than the their opponents.

His second goal was a real goal of the season contender; after controlling the ball with his back to goal he then pulled off a “bicycle kick” leaving Pepe Reina rooted to the spot. Berbatov then wheeled away after giving United a 2-0 lead.

However, some less than sturdy defending by the home side saw them give away a two goal lead for the second game in a row. John O’Shea can count himself a tad lucky after only receiving a yellow card when denying Fernando Torres a goal scoring opportunity, and Liverpool fans will argue that it was O’Shea who crossed the ball onto Berbatov’s head for the winner five minutes later, but as David Beckham’s favourite quote goes,” Erm that’s football, sorry I mean soccer.”

And finally here’s some more good news for Manchester United fans, it seems that Portugeese winger Nani has made a miraculous recovery from what looked like about 10 different life threatening injuries following a moderately tough challenge from Liverpool’s Christian Poulsen…

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Premier sketch: Thrills and spills

2010-09-14T09:35:00Z

Hi everybody, it’s time to put on your favourite knitwear, pretend to laugh at pre-scripted jokes, and play the BBC’s A Question of Sport’s famous, “What happened next?”

We’re heading over to West Ham’s Upton Park for the visit of league leaders and current champions Chelsea. Let’s set up the scene, the Blues have a free kick just outside the area and serial diver Didier Drogba hits a dipping ball over the wall, it looks like the ball is dropping straight into the waiting hands of USA Hero Robert Green and this is where we’ll freeze the action to ask you the question, “What happened next?”

All you have to do is pick whether the ever reliable Mr. Green...

A) Plucked the ball from the air, winked and blinded the camera with a gleaming smile?

B) Plucked the ball from the air then tackled a naked pitch invader?

C) Spilled the incredibly easy to catch ball luckily into the path of his own teammate who unluckily belted the ball straight at Chelsea forward Salomon Kalou’s ankle ricocheting up and over the Teflon sponsored keeper and into the back of his net?

Give yourselves 2 points; and if you were playing away you get double Wayne.

Goal of the week, In the same game, West Ham’s Mr McDonald‘s, Scott Parker chipped in with a consolation goal - and what a beauty it was.

Chelsea’s Czech keeper Cech punched a corner to the edge of the penalty area where Parker was waiting to precisely volley the ball straight back over his head where it nested itself into the corner of the net. The woeful Hammers’ record reads: 3-0, 3-1, 3-0, 3-1. Get yourself off to the bookies for a 3-0 Stoke win next weekend.

Game of the weekend was at Goodison Park, the match up between Everton and Manchester United. With the visitors 3-1 up going into the three minutes of added on time, it looked as though Fergie and friends would be heading back up the M62 with three points in the metaphorical bag; listening to the ever knowledgeable commentators, the game was already over in the 66th minute when Berbatov scored United’s third.

Plenty of Everton fans headed for the exits, and match commentator Peter Drury may have wished he had followed them too, as Everton proved him spectacularly wrong by scoring two goals in added time to earn themselves a well deserved point.

And they may well have grabbed all three had referee Martin Atkinson not declined to add on another 30 seconds for each goal scored instead of blowing for time just as the Toffees were charging in on the United goal with 93 minutes and 30 seconds gone.

So no “Fergie time” this weekend I’m afraid; David Moyes sure has a lot to learn before he takes over the Old Trafford helm when Ferguson finally decides to spend his weekends ‘ in the comfort of his own home incessantly gnashing on chewing gum.

Talking of sounds tremendously irritating to the ear, since when did we start taking anything coming out of Jamie Redknapp’s mouth seriously?

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Premier sketch: Missing persons

2010-08-31T08:29:00Z

The one game that both teams were desperate to win this weekend was at Villa Park, between managerless Aston Villa and winless Everton.

Within two minutes of kick off, Villa fans were already serenading their Merseyside counterparts with the usual chorus of the age-old song “You’ll never work again.” Let’s think about it, if they could travel all over the country paying 40 pounds for a ticket every week, there’s probably a good chance they’re not on the dole.

Talking of Villa Park, who can forget one of its most famous moments in football history? That’s right the worst open goal miss of all time by Liverpool’s striker Ronnie Rosenthal. Well this weekend brought us two contenders for the Annual Ronnie Rosenthal award for open goal miss of the year.

At White Hart Lane the biggest surprise wasn’t that out of form Wigan didn’t concede another nine goals to Tottenham, rather that their forward Antolin Alcaraz failed to put away this chance from six yards out facing a gaping goal.

Meanwhile, over at the Stadium of Light, Carlos Tevez thankfully saved us all from seeing his stomach churning Mr. Whippy bum wiggling goal celebration, by somehow missing the easiest chance of his career.

City went on to rue Tevez’s miss as Sunderland’s Darren Bent converted a game winning 90 minute penalty dealing City their first loss of the season. Perhaps they need to sign a few more players before the transfer window closes.

The red side of Manchester had plenty to cheer about though; with West Ham conceding three goals a game so far, Alex Ferguson’s men dished out further punishment to the Hammers at Old Trafford.

After staying well away from football for the summer, Wayne Rooney is looking well rested, and he opened the scoring with United’s weekly penalty. Nani grabbed an impressive second, and Dimitar Berbatov almost broke a sweat drilling in a third which gives him an early lead in our competition to see who will score more goals for United, the Bulgarian, or own goals from other teams (currently 2-1 to Berbatov).

Staying in Manchester, last week, Former homeless footballer Bebe made the trip to Old Trafford from Portugal for a staggering £7.5 million. Fergie stunned a few people when announcing he’s the first player he’s ever signed without actually watching him play.

Does that mean he’s admitting that he saw Djemba Djemba, Ralph Milne, Massimo Tiabi, Jim Leighton, Juan Sebastian Veron, Kleberson, William Prunier, David Bellion and Jordi Cruyff play and still splashed out cash for them?

Goal of the week goes to the player whose summer transfer to Chelsea, Man City, Chelsea again, Man City again, Chelsea once more, then Barcelona, and finally Chelsea again didn’t quite go through although sources close to the player (which is a posh way of saying the story is made up) admitted the deal was, “Nailed on”, “In the bag”, and the tabloid’s favourite, “Done and dusted”.

Liverpool’s very own Fernando Torres opened his season’s account with a stunner. His late volley turned out to be the winner against West Bromwich Albion, who could think themselves unlucky to leave Anfield without a point.

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Premier Sketch: Six Love

2010-08-23T07:20:00Z

It was just like watching Wimbledon this weekend, but not the franchise who moved to Milton Keynes or the ones who play at Kingstonian. No, you’d be forgiven for thinking you were listening to the All England Lawn Tennis Club championship when an unseeded Brit loses in the first round: 6-0, 6-0, 6-0.

Champions Chelsea notched their second successive six-zip scoreline and on the end of this week’s battering were Wigan, whose start is going from bad to just plain terrible. You have to feel sorry for goalkeeper Chris Kirkland: the poor bloke already suffers from back problems, now he’s bent over 10 times in a week to pick the ball out of his net.

After receiving an 18-match ban from the French Football Federation, Chelsea’s Nicholas Anelka commented that he was laughing his head off; he must have been wetting his pants after bagging himself a brace of goals at the DW Stadium. Apparently it’s named after Wigan’s publicity-shy owner Dave Whelan, because pretty soon he’ll be the only one watching matches there.

Crap Kits: Wigan home
While on the subject of Wigan, just what are they wearing these days? That vertical sash is just so 70s, like bit-part players in a Roy of the Rovers comic strip. What the Latics would do for one of Roy Race’s rockets – although at the moment they'd make do with a Blackie Gray header.

A great start to the new season for Bolton: after a point against Fulham, they got their usual victory at West Ham, this time 3-1. Despite the six-man move for the second, the goal of the game came from Hammers defender Matthew Upson, who pulled off a quite stunning diving header past the safe hands of Robert Green.

Upson bravely lunged in ahead of Bolton’s Kevin Davies making a connection that the Bolton striker could only dream of. To make matters worse, while trying to perform a volley, Davies’ caught Upson full in the face and broke his nose. Still, it’s better than a kick in the teeth.

A week after spanking Wigan, Blackpool came down to earth with one hefty bump – Arsenal handing out another of the weekend’s 6-0 scorelines. Sadly this overexposed the man on the Emirates PA system's embarrassing habit of shouting out only the Gunners’ first names, expecting the Arsenal fans to finish off the job by cringeworthily shouting out the goalscorer’s last name. Let’s give it a try…

Sometime Arsenal and England winger THEOOOO… helped himself to a surprising hat-trick – well, one of his misplaced crosses just had to end up in the back of the net sometime or other. ANDREEEEEY… slammed home a penalty, ABOUUUU… helped himself to a goal and new boy MAROUAAAAANE… opened his Gunners account (after missing an open goal). After last week's mediocre display at Anfield caused pundits to write off their title credentials, Arsenal are now back in favour and touted as potential champions until next week.

The final 6-0 demolishing this week came as a surprise to everyone: Newcastle stuffed a woeful Aston Villa, with Andy Carroll scoring his first hat trick of his Newcastle career. Meanwhile cigar aficionado Joey Barton scored the goal of the game with a 25-yard piledriver. Unfortunately Barton will now be shaving off his moustache only 2 games into the season after promising to keep growing it until his team claimed a victory. Apparently the self-anointed "best midfielder in England" copied the idea from Manchester United’s Gary Neville, who committed 20 years ago to try and grow a tache until neighbours Manchester City win some silverware. Don’t give up Gary, it’s just starting to show.

And finally, last season Manchester United’s second highest goalscorer was a certain Mr. Own Goal, and he’s certainly wasted no time getting off the mark in this season’s campaign at Fulham. Last season, he bagged as many as £30m striker Dimitar Berbatov; we'll keep an eye on it again to see who comes out on top. Maybe we’ll throw in Michael Owen and Chicharito just for good measure…

My tip for tonight: Man City 0, Liverpool 6...

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Premier Sketch: Coaches, pies and vomit

2010-08-16T10:07:00Z

The new season brought us a few shocks but reigning champions Chelsea picked up just where they had left off with a 6-0 drubbing of newly-promoted West Brom. Blues striker Didier Drogba scored the first hat-trick of the season, his third goal taking the kind of deflection that teammate Frank Lampard would have been proud of.

Earlier this month Drogba announced that he has been struggling with an injury for over half a decade; perhaps that’s why he feels the need to take a five-minute kip during every game. As for Albion, their fans should probably wait a while before buying Premier league patches for their replica shirts.

Meanwhile at White Hart Lane, all eyes were on big spenders Manchester City to see how they fared in their opener away to Tottenham. But it was Spurs who looked more like top four contenders, with only City keeper Joe Hart’s heroics keeping the scoreline at 0-0.

In fact the only Manchester City player who scored this weekend was James Milner in Villa’s easy win against West Ham. City manager Roberto Mancini quashed rumours of unrest in the camp before the match, but admitted he does have problems with his coaches – saying that he didn’t have enough of them to transport all of his midfielders down to London.

The performance of the weekend must surely go to everyone’s relegation favourites Blackpool, who astonishingly took Wigan apart 4-0 at the DW Stadium. After Blackpool’s Alex Baptiste slotted home the Seasiders' fourth in the 75th minute, the home fans were so disgusted by their team's showing that half of them headed for the exits, while the other two decided to stay and finish off their pies.

GOAL OF THE WEEK
During Wolves’ 2-1 win over Stoke, David Jones pulled this beauty out of his locker; receiving a short free-kick, Jones chipped up the ball then belted it past Stoke’s helpless keeper Thomas Sorenson and in off the bar. Apparently the strike was so impressive that even Wolves manager Mick McCarthy’s eyebrows cracked a smile.

After drowning out the vuvuzelas during the World Cup with their constant complaints about the dreaded Jabulani football, goalkeepers all over the country welcomed the new Premier League Match ball. We’re told that its brightly coloured markings make it much easier for keepers to see the ball and judge its flight. Pepe Reina, Tim Howard, Manuel Almunia and Chris Kirkland, just wondering how it worked out for you?

CRAP KITS: Everton away
The new season always throws up its fair share of classic shirts but it’s the truly awful ones that stick in the memory, and this “lightning pink” Everton away kit looks like it might literally have been “thrown up”.

"FUTURE OF FOOTBALL"-WATCH
And finally, this season we’re keeping an eye on the three saviours of the English game; the youngsters who according to the “newspapers” should be picked alongside David Beckham in Capello’s international set-up.

During his side’s 1-1 draw at Anfield, Arsenal’s Jack Wilshere played for just over 45 minutes and executed a tackle on Inter Milan's Javier Mascherano that, had the roles been reversed, would have had given Arsene Wenger something to complain about for six months. The teenage Zidane was lucky to escape at least a caution: as ex-Everton defender and TV’s co-commentator Matt Jackson so brilliantly admitted, “I’ve seen worse tackles get yellows.”

The other English supermen-in-waiting, Kieran Gibbs and Everton’s Jack Rodwell, warmed their respective benches. No doubt they were saving themselves for the Euro qualifiers next month.

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Chelsea's title, Berbatov's draw and the goals of the season

2010-05-11T10:46:00Z

Goals galore on the final day of the season; Chelsea were crowned champions turning on the style with a 8-0 victory over Wigan, Manchester United trashed Stoke 4-0, Arsenal battered Fulham reserves 4-0, and Spurs rehearsed for their Champions league qualifying round exit by going 2-0 up away to Burnley then ended up on the wrong side of a 4-2 scoreline.

In the title clinching game at Stamford Bridge, Didier Drogba once again showed why he is such an enormous…… role model for kids, by getting in a mnassive great strop when he wasn’t allowed to take a penalty.

With Chelsea winning 1-0 and Man Utd 2-0 up over at Old Trafford, the title was still very much in the balance.

Then Blues’ Midfielder Frank Lampard questionably collapsed in the Latics’ penalty area, providing his team a chance to earn for a vital two goal cushion themselves.

However Drogba, always the team player, saw this as a chance to bag a goal for himself and win the golden boot, but Frank was having none of it, grabbing the ball and hitting the net.

Six goals later and Chelsea were league champions, not forgetting of course an incredible double, also picking up the Draw Specialist's alternative Premier League title, which just goes to show that the method is indeed a valid one.

Once it was obvious Chelsea had the title in the bag, the main question at Old Trafford was whether Manchester United scapegoat Dimitar Berbatov would finish the season with more league goals than own goals scored by other Premier League teams for United.

Once again the Bulgarian striker flattered to deceive, missing chance after chance, while ex-United defender Danny Higgingbottom, smacked Wayne
Rooney’s centre into his own net with authority to register the 12th own goal scored for United in the league this season.

So the final result was a draw, which just goes to show that Alex Ferguson was justified to let Tevez and Ronaldo leave last year, after all they’ve only scored about 60 goals between them this season.

Meanwhile, goal gluten, Emile Heskey was unable to add to his whopping tally of three league goals on the final day of the season.

He beats the Liverpool beach ball by two goals, not forgetting of course that after the beach ball goal at the Stadium of Light, referee’s all over the country discovered that the goal actually shouldn’t have stood, any more beachball goals would have been disallowed, at that point it was obvious that Heskey would win the competition………or was it?

So it’ s been a pretty unpredictable season especially at the top of the table, here’s what I picked up from it.

1) Lucas Leiva isn’t Xabi Alonso.

2) Florent Malouda is actually pretty good (even with a Cornish pastie on his head).

3) Dimitar Bebatov doesn’t need deodorant.

4) Sven may have had other things on his mind when picking Theo Walcott for the World Cup.

5) Arsenal fans have more important things to do than watch a game for 90 minutes.

6) Wenger is a brilliant spotter of OUTFIELD players.

7) Iain Dowie is exceptional at getting teams relegated

8) Liverpool fans aren’t best pleased with their club’s owners.

Feel free to add your thoughts...

And finally, how could we end the season without a Goal of the Season competition, so pick your favourite instrumental track on your Ipod and enjoy these beauties (then let us know your pick below...):

Goal A) James Milner v Hull

Goal B) Steven Pienaar v Arsenal

Goal C) George Boateng v Man City

Goal D) Danny Rose v Arsenal

Goal E) Robbie Blake v Manchester United

Goal F) Fernando Torres v Sunderland

Goal G) Maynor Figueroa v Stoke

Goal H) Tom Huddlestone v Bolton

Goal I) Beach ball’s goal v Liverpool

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Premier Review: Dodgy back-passes, teddy bears & enthusiastic ballboys

2010-05-04T09:32:00Z

It was certainly a topsy-turvy weekend in the Premier League, with Liverpool fans in a dilemma over the outcome of their game with Chelsea and Manchester United fans hoping Liverpool picked up all three points.

Even Sir Alex Ferguson got in on the act during his Friday press conference. Donning a mop top Beatle wig and munching on a piping hot plate of scouse, Fergie revealed his love and admiration of Liverpool Football club.

Some called it mind games, some desperation, but it felt so genuine he was almost expected to break into a chorus of You’ll never walk alone on his way out.

Now if there’s one person everyone knows will always put his childhood team first, it’s Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard, and on Sunday it was his trusted right foot that once again provided a clinical, defence-splitting through-ball for the opening goal.

But Fergie must have been tearing the life-sized Stevie G poster off of his bedroom walls, as it was Chelsea striker Didier Drogba who without breaking stride took the pass from Gerrard, glided past Pepe Reina and slid the ball into the Reds’ net.

A wonderful moment for the Ivorian who just a few minutes earlier looked like he could have suffered a career-ending injury after flying through the air for no apparent reason.

But the 6ft, 15 stone, muscle-bound forward bravely climbed to his feet and courageously fought on through obvious pain that was miraculously cured by the act of scoring a goal.

The Blues doubled their lead in the second half and must surely now be hot favourites to grab the title next weekend.

And keep an eye out for their result as a win will not only clinch the title, but after beating Liverpool they have now claimed the lead of the blogs’ Alternative Premier league championship.

So Liverpool lost their fight for fourth as did Aston Villa who went down 3-1 at Manchester City.

It’s hard to have any sympathy with Martin O’Neill though. In their time of need, when his team were 2-1 down and desperately in need of a goal, the Villa manager brought off their lone goalscorer, John Carew Carew (he’s bigger than me and you) and sent on the one and only Emile Heskey.

But of course, as it’s been said numerous times, Heskey isn’t there to score goals (thankfully) but to create them, by unselfishly bringing other players into the game.

And sure enough in just over 10 minutes the ball was in the back of the net. Sadly for Villa, it was their own.

A typical Shaun Wright-Philips run from the half way line set up a wonderful chance for Craig Bellamy, who finished with style, curling a beauty into Brad Friedel’s top corner and wrapping up the game for City.

Meanwhile, Big Emile is still stuck on a dismal three league goals for the season; it should be interesting to see how he figures in Capello’s England plans.

Talking of things that just don’t belong on a Premier League football field, an enthusiastic Tottenham ball boy sprinted on the White Hart Lane pitch to retrieve a ball that was still on the field.

Bolton’s Paul Robinson, who was chasing the ball down couldn’t believe his eyes as the youngster beat him to it.

As for the game, Spurs stayed ahead of Manchester City thanks to goal of the week from Tom “big teddy bear” Huddlestone. His thunderbolt was the only goal of the game and kept his team in prime position for fourth, or even third after neighbours Arsenal lost at Blackburn Rovers.

Once again, Gunners’ keeper Lukasz Fabianski turned in a performance so bad that Gooners were calling for Manuel Almunia’s recall.

Rumour has it that after Manchester City were outrageously allowed to loan another keeper last week, Arsene Wenger was caught in his office watching the arm-breaking scene in Escape to Victory, with notebook in hand.

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The pitch vomiting, referee chasing Premier Review

2010-04-26T11:17:00Z

It really does look like the title race is going right to the wire. Manchester United took the top spot for 24 hours with a 3-1 win over in-form Tottenham thanks to two penalties from Ryan Giggs, who had previously managed to avoid taking spot-kicks despite being a first-team regular for four decades.

But it was Nani who stole the headlines. Once Spurs had pulled the game back to 1-1, he took the game by the scruff of the neck, scoring one and winning the second penalty.

The Portuguese's performance mirrored his season: after showing tremendous composure when chipping Heurelho Gomes for the third (above), he then threw up his breakfast all over the Old Trafford turf, as did teammate Patrice Evra. As my mum would say, 'He's not drunk, he's dehydrated!'

It was hard to tell if he got any on his new boots or whether they were actually that colour originally.

United's win meant that the pressure was on Chelsea to pick up three points against stubborn Stoke. But the Stamford Bridge fans needn't have worried: the Blues battered the Potters 7-0, the third time this season that Chelsea have recorded seven goals in a game.

Tony Pulis described his team as 'having their pants pulled down and backsides spanked'. That's embarrassing, but not half as bad as letting Salomon Kalou score a hat trick against you.

Next week Chelsea visit Anfield, which gives Liverpool a chance to help out their neighbours down the road; now if Rafa Benitez really is leaving in the summer, what are the chances that his goodbye present to his mate Alex Ferguson will be fielding a reserve team on Sunday? Surely he could get away with it; this season it's been hard to tell the difference.

At least Rafa could smile this week as his side recorded their FIRST away win in 2010! Liverpool hammered the final nail into Burnley's coffin with a 4-0 win at Turf Moor. We'll all miss the Clarets next year for two reasons: those amazing toe-poked penalties by Graham Alexander, and the league's best advertising boards. Forget your snazzy animated electronic boards; we love an enormous old-fashioned hoarding saying DAVE FISHWICK.

Turf Moor witnessed the goal of the week and it was a Steven Gerrard special. The Liverpool skipper curled an unstoppable 25-yarder past Brian Jenson to make it 2-0 after Alberto Aquilani 'assisted' the Scouser by slipping on a blade of grass. If anyone has Aquilani in their fantasy football team, two questions for you:

1. Was he credited with an assist?
2. What were you thinking?

Finally, has anyone ever witnessed a referee change his mind over a penalty after being surrounded by half a dozen red-faced, vein-popping, bile-spitting defenders? Watching the Second City Derby at Villa Park made you wonder if anyone is still bothering with the Respect campaign. Is it still going?

Martin Atkinson made a poor decision to award Villa's game-winning penalty, but the sight of half of Birmingham's side surrounding him brought back to the days of Roy Keane chasing referees around Old Trafford.

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The handballing, lip-smacking Premier Review

2010-04-19T14:00:00Z

What a contrasting week it’s been in North London. Tottenham, and Woody Allen’s Danny Rose capped his debut with a stunning volley midweek in the derby.

He struck his left-footed screamer with such force that it actually looked as though Manuel Almunia pulled his hands away from the ball at the last minute.

Spurs looked superb against the Gunners and continued their fabulous form on Saturday by picking up another well deserved three points against top of the table Chelsea.

It turned out to be a miserable day for the Blues and John Terry in particular. The Chelsea skipper was sent off for two yellow card offences and it was also his handball which resulted in Spurs’ opener from the penalty spot.

So just to get it straight, three Chelsea handballs in the penalty area = one penalty kick.

So while Chelsea are hanging on to top spot, Spurs move into fourth as City lost to United in the Manchester derby.

I know this will come as a shock, but United won the game in the final minute of added time. Paul Scholes rose above, well nobody actually as the marking was so awful, and powered a header into the corner of Shay Given’s net.

Unfortunately, the winner sparked one of the most horrific images ever witnessed in world football. Neville Neville’s son, Gary, planting a sloppy wet kiss on Scholes’ lips.

Alternative Premier League

Last week West Ham won a game, yes you read that correctly. They not only won a game, but they also knocked Sunderland off the top of the Alternative Premier League.

Next up for the Hammers are Liverpool on Monday and with Fernando Torres out for the season, I doubt West Ham’s defence will suffer sleepless nights worrying about goal machine David Ngog running them ragged.

Zamora, Heskey, Davies, and now we can add Dave Kitson to the list. No it’s not for a spot in England’s World Cup squad, it’s to the growing list of misses of the season.

Kitson skied the ball into the crowd from two yards out during his side’s 2-1 loss to Bolton, who have now given themselves a wonderful opportunity to stay up. The same can be said of Wigan.

The Latics provided the performance of the week, coming back from 2-0 down to Arsenal and winning 3-2. Dare I say the Gunners' title hopes are now over again?

Charles N’Zogbia belted in the winner in stoppage time, as the Latics pulled of an amazing comeback scoring three goals in the final 10 minutes. N’Zogbia’s strike was hit with such force that like Arsene Wenger, Arsenal’s stand in goalkeeper Lukasz Fabianski didn’t see it.

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The backheeling, egg-boiling Premier Review

2010-04-06T15:00:00Z

So Chelsea claimed pole position at the weekend, beating Manchester United 2-1 at Old Trafford in controversial style.

Didier Drogba’s second half strike was clearly offside prompting Old Trafford boss Sir Alex Ferguson to comment: "What I can't understand is the linesman's directly in front of it. He has no-one near him and he gets it wrong a game of that magnitude, you really need quality officials and we didn't get them today. It was a poor, poor performance."

Or maybe he was remarking on his own side’s goal which came off the arm of United’s striker Federico Macheda, but somehow I doubt it.

Let’s not forget Chelsea’s opening goal though, a wonderful effort from Joe Cole, who cheekily backheeled a Florent Malouda cross past Edwin van der Sar giving the Blues first blood after an opening 20 minutes which were tighter than Cole’s own shorts. Well maybe not that tight.

But we must have sympathy for Fergie (stop laughing at the back). Chelsea’s winning goal was miles offside, and it’s difficult to see how the assistant failed to make the call.

How will his girlfriends take him seriously when he brings out the faithful salt and pepper to explain the offside rule? Then again, he is an assistant, surely he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

The battle for fourth place is really hotting up, and to quote Alan Partridge: “It’s hotter than Debbie Harry, in cammy knickers, spoon feeding chicken vindaloo to Pan’s people, that’s half as hot as it is!”

Tottenham slipped up as did Liverpool, but Villa and Man City kept their dreams alive with wins over Bolton and Burnley respectively.

Game of the week was at Sunderland’s Stadium of Light, where the home side fully deserved their 3-1 win over Spurs, but didn’t half make hard work of it.

Darren Bent did his World Cup chances no harm, scoring two goals, and adding to his already impressive tally of 23 goals this season. He’s really beginning to look like an England player, but worryingly only because he failed to score from two penalty kicks.

Then again, calling them missed penalties doesn’t really give Spurs’ keeper Hurelio Gomes credit; the Brazilian brilliantly saved both spot-kicks, keeping his team in the game before Bolo Zenden wellied in an absolute beauty to put the game beyond Spurs, and putting the Black Cats top of the Alternative Premier League.

Meanwhile, Manchester City took full advantage of the slip-ups of Spurs and Liverpool and did it in style, with a 6-1 battering of Burnley at Turf Moor. They surely must be favourites now to get knocked out of the Champions league qualification rounds next season.

Spare a thought for poor Burnley manager Brian Laws, who saw his side go 4-0 down within the amount of time it takes to prepare, cook, and eat a hard boiled egg.

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Soap bars and lasagne: the Premier Review

2010-03-29T09:26:00Z

Sometimes, championship-winning sides have been know to order special medals for players who weren’t able to play in the minimum games required but made a telling contribution to the campaign.

By that token, if either Manchester United or Chelsea win the league this year, they should order a medal for Manuel Almunia, after another gaffe from the Arsenal keeper cost his team two vital points. It's not just the Spaniard’s chances of making Fabio Capello’s England squad that are slipping away.

Chelsea were the first team to take advantage of Arsenal’s woe with a quite astounding 7-1 thumping of Aston Villa, all with Sven’s Didier Drogba relaxing on the bench.

Frank Lampard was man of the match, and... are you sitting down? He bagged four goals himself! Are you really sitting down? They all went in without deflections!

BERBATOV VS THE OPPONENTS
Meanwhile, Manchester United stayed at the top, after a 4-0 victory over neighbours Bolton. With Wayne Rooney maturing back at home, it was up to Dimitar Berbatov to take up the slack, and the Bulgarian didn’t let his team-mates down.

Bolton’s JLloyd Samuel scored the first, an own-goal; his beautifully taken effort meant that United’s opponents had now provided them with 11 own goals this season – topping Berbatov’s tally. However, the £30.75m striker wasn’t to be outdone and finished off the Trotters with two goals himself.

This one’s going to go right to the wire.

THE ALTERNATIVE PREMIER LEAGUE TITLE
So on to another Draw Specialist competition, the Alternative Premier League, modelled on boxing where champions lose their title to the team that beats them.

Those of you who have been following will remember (or maybe not) that Birmingham City held the title. Well it's changed hands a few times since then; Blues went on a six-game unbeaten streak that was halted by a 3-0 loss to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge.

For a while it looked like Chelsea could go all the way but then they were beaten 2-1, at home by Everton. Still awake? Well then the Toffees went on an impressive run themselves but that stopped at White Hart Lane in a 2-1 defeat to Spurs.

And that’s where the crown is being held at this moment after Tottenham’s 2-0 win against Championship side Portsmouth; next week they’re defending their lead at Sunderland. As there are only a few games remaining you’ll be updated every week until the final game of the season. Anyone for lasagne?

Not only are Spurs competing for the Alternate League, they're also in prime position for the fourth Champions League spot. With Villa getting thrashed and Man City playing on Monday, Liverpool had the chance to move into fifth place against Sunderland.

And for once, the shackles were off; within three minutes Fernando Torres had scored one of goals of the season, and free-flowing football followed. Rafa Benitez had decided to give his defensive formation a rest: just the one holding midfielder, with the side’s most outstanding performer over the last six years in central midfield receiving the ball all of the time. What a concept!

So no beach balls were harmed this time around, although they did feature in the chant of the week, which went down surprisingly well with Sunderland boss Steve Bruce: “Head like a beach ball, he’s got a head like a beach ball...”

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The pot-bellied fat-bottomed Premier Review

2010-03-23T11:22:00Z

While Chelsea are doing their best to enter the challenge for fourth spot, Manchester United stayed at the summit.

Congratulations must go to defender Nemanja Vidic who managed to stay on the field for the full 90 minutes against Liverpool for the first time in two seasons. Wayne Rooney added another goal to his impressive tally, tapping in the rebound from his saved penalty.

Liverpool striker Fernando Torres showed referee Howard Webb just what he thought of his decision to award the spot-kick by taking a swipe at the penalty spot. The Reds would have gone home with a point if only, in the dying minutes, Torres had connected as cleanly with the ball.

Old Trafford is looking more like Carrow Road every week. The Draw Specialist is all for the fans of Manchester United protesting about how their club is being run and how much debt the club has taken, but you have to laugh when TV cameras scan the Stretford End revealing that half of the fans holding green and gold scarves aloft are wearing shirts and tracksuits with AIG all over them. Just where do they think the money’s going?

While Liverpool slip away from that vital fourth spot, Spurs did their chances no harm with a 2-1 away win at Stoke. It looks like Harry Redknapp has pulled another masterstroke with the loan deal of Eidur Gudjohnsen, who was pivotal to their win at the Britannia: the Icelander coolly finished the first, then dummied the Stoke defence to setup Niko Kranjcar’s winner.

Spurs’ North London neighbours Arsenal kept their title dreams alive, brushing aside West Ham and plunging them deeper into the relegation dogfight. Visitors to the Emirates usually enjoy the stadium's great sightlines, but this Saturday there were plenty of restricted views, coinciding with the coming together of Sol Campbell’s and Mido’s backsides. It’s no wonder Nike and Umbro’s profits have gone down this year: even Eddie Izzard can’t come up with that much material.

Apparently nothing gets a team fired up more than the appointment of a new manager; in fear of losing their place, players look to impress their new boss by going out and battering their next opponents, or maybe trying a little harder than they have all season.

Admitting that they must stay up at all costs, Hull appointed Iain Dowie, whose managerial record includes 15-day stints in charge of Charlton and QPR; presumably Bryan Robson, Peter Reid, Glenn Hoddle and Steve Coppell were all busy.

With two minutes left at Fratton Park on Saturday, it looked like Dowie would be leading his new side to a 2-1 victory – but up popped Jamie O’Hara and Kanu to spoil the party, O’Hara’s free kick being the goal of the week. Pompey move onto 13 points, so if they win every remaining game they'll get 37 points, while Dowie will already be preaching “Bouncebackability”.

And finally, during the 2006 World Cup, Premier League referee Graham Poll dished out three yellow cards to the same player, which killed his dream of taking charge of the final. So to save embarrassment for this summer's representative in South Africa, Howard Webb, here’s a diagram explaining where the Penalty area is and which areas penalties and free-kicks should be awarded in. Oh and having a linesman named Malarkey is never a good idea.

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The gum-chewing oft-diving Premier Review

2010-03-15T09:56:00Z

Who's No.1? It depends what time you ask.

Top spot switched hands a couple of times over the weekend. On Saturday, Chelsea dished out a beating to Stamford Bridge legend Gianfranco Zola’s West Ham to go back in front.

But they topped the table for only 24 hours until Manchester United beat Fulham. Wayne Rooney helped himself to another two goals before Dimitar Berbatov added a third by beating the Fulham defence to a pinpoint Park Ji Sung cross.

That puts the Bulgarian on 10 league goals, equalling the amount of own goals scored for by the opposition for Manchester United this season. However, there's bad news for Berbatov: the next visitors to Old Trafford are Liverpool, featuring Jamie Carragher.

Meanwhile, cows all over the country are back on red alert after sightings were reported this weekend of Arsenal’s Nicklas Bendtner swanning around with a banjo. Don’t believe all this extra-work-on-the-training-field talk; the gum-chewing Dane is without doubt an avid reader of the blog and was spurred on by last week’s criticism.

After his Champions League hat-trick in the week, Bendter scored what could prove to be a vital winner in added on time against Hull and kept the Gunners right up there in the title race.

Crap Kits
Two terrible kits were on display at St Andrews, where Birmingham City battled back from a two-goal deficit earning themselves a draw with Everton. The Toffees must have been furious – but not with their second half collapse, with the lunatic who came up with this bizarre away kit. One thing’s for sure, there was no shirt-swapping at the final whistle.

Speaking of whistles, we must have missed the official announcement telling referees to stop booking players for diving. There were at least three obvious dives in the penalty area this weekend and each time the ref signaled for the offending player to get up, acknowledging simulation, but brandished no card. After a few months of showing much-needed yellow cards, it seems that referees or FIFA aren’t interested in kicking cheating out of the game.

But with all the negative stories about the game these days, it’s nice to hear about professional football giving something back. The Nike (Red) match balls used in the Premier League, La Liga, and Serie A, were designed to publicise and fund efforts to fight the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Buy it here and 100% of the profits will go to the charity.

And finally, today, March 15, is the anniversary of the formation of Liverpool Football Club in 1892, and coincides with their home game against bottom club Portsmouth.

In their previous matches this month the Reds have taken fewer shots than holidaymakers visiting some foreign countries. If you’re reading this before the game at Anfield, give me your predictions on how many shots they’ll get at David James’ goal tonight.

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The feather-ruffling banjo-playing Premier Review

2010-03-09T10:00:00Z

The week's main news off the field came from Manchester about the group looking to buy out the Glazers: the Red Knights. Green and yellow scarves have been multiplying in the Stretford End for weeks; now we know why, and it’s nothing to do with Newton Heath.

NEWS: Red Knights will not overpay for Man United

Does the name Keith Harris ring a bell? If it doesn’t then you’re extremely lucky, but for those of you who remember the name, and who can forget the UK’s No.1 light entertainer?

We can only hope that the group gets its wish, not only because it would be refreshing for the game, but also because of the new badge they’re hoping will adorn the team’s original coloured shirts:

On the field, they took advantage of Chelsea’s FA Cup involvement to sneak their way back to the top of the league. But they made tough work of Wolves at Molineux, grinding out another of those performances euphemistically described as “title-winning” everywhere but Barcelona.

Paul Scholes should be congratulated for his winner, which was also his 100th Premier League goal; according to Sky TV, only 19 players have reached 100 goals in the top division. (It’s funny how many people ignore league championships before 1993 yet constantly remind us about Wembley and 1966).

Lucky for Scholes, Wolves striker Sam Vokes missed his team’s best chance of the day, and quite possibly of their entire 133-year history.

Only six yards out and given enough time to read War and Peace, he skied the ball into row Z – not an easy thing to do at Molineux, those stands are miles away.

On the subject of misses – don’t worry, it’s not another John Terry story – how about that Nicklas Bendtner? His efforts on goal seem to be about as down to earth as his personality. Cow’s arses went unthreatened as the Dane walked around with a banjo.

Lucky for the Gunners, they do have some goalscorers keeping them in sight of Man United and Chelsea. Juliette Binoche lookalike Sami Nasri beautifully provided the pass of the season for Cesc Fabregas’s strike in the 3-1 home win over struggling Burnley.

Turnaround of the weekend came in Everton’s 5-1 drubbing of Hull at Goodison. Landon Donovan made up for his unbelievable miss last week to cause much louder chanting of “USA, USA” than Anfield fans can manage.

Crap Kits

Kevin Davies powered in a glorious header for the first and on loan Jack Wilshere added a second as the Bolton took an early 2-0 lead, in their deserved and much needed 2-1 win over West Ham, seeing them leapfrog over the Hammers.

Sadly, the Trotters’ victory was dampened not by Tamir Cohen’s sending off, but by the fact that they are wearing arguably the worst kit ever produced for a top-flight team. You can be sure that Gary Megson’s to blame somewhere down the line.

That West Ham one’s pushing it too!

And finally, with a smaller schedule this weekend, The Draw Specialist was looking forward to reporting on all the games including the Monday night clash between Wigan and Liverpool.

However, those tuning to ESPN couldn’t find anything resembling a Premier League game...

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The tongue-wagging, ref-tripping Prem review

2010-03-01T09:55:00Z

RESULTS Sat Feb 27 Birmingham 1-0 Wigan, Bolton 1-0 Wolves, Burnley 1-2 Portsmouth, Chelsea 2-4 Manchester City, Stoke 1-3 Arsenal Sun Feb 28 Liverpool 2-1 Blackburn, Sunderland 0-0 Fulham, Tottenham 2-1 Everton

This weekend’s big match-up contained more tension than The X-Factor, Pop Idol and Strictly Come Dancing put together – and it certainly didn’t disappoint. Ex England captain John Terry even got his haircut for the occasion.

As Manchester City left-back Wayne Bridge stood his ground and refused the hand of John Terry, you couldn’t help thinking how hilarious it would have been if Bridge had pulled out the classic teenage trick of reaching out to the Chelsea captain then pulling his hand away at the last second – maybe even sticking his tongue out too.

The game itself was a classic, with City giving Chelsea a real shock to their title challenge; their 4-2 away win also sent a message to other Champions League chasers. Continuing his outstanding season, Craig Bellamy took advantage of Chelsea’s lack of pace at the back, causing havoc and scoring two.

The league leaders certainly looked to be lacking in confidence in defence all day long; stand-in goalkeeper Hilario hardly helped matters with an erratic display. But anyone who’s played the game at any level must have felt some sympathy for Ricardo Carvalho.

The Chelsea centre-back's reaction after witnessing Carlos Tevez’s mis-hit effort agonisingly rolling past Hilario, can be seen on football fields all over the planet any given weekend. Head in hands, Carvalho gave his Portuguese compatriot a glare which could have killed from 100 yards.

After a fabulous two weeks which included beating the clubs in first and second spot, Everton were being talked about as the next big thing and possible contenders for the Premier League’s version of the Holy Grail – fourth spot. But the Toffees were chewed up and spat out by Tottenham, a team who consistently display exactly what Everton are showing right now: inconsistency. Instead, Luka Modric’s spectacular winner boosted Spurs’ chances of reaching the much sought-after prize.

Finally, watching a professional football match can only be said to have given you your money's worth if you witness the following incidents: an own goal, a penalty, your own keeper saving a penalty, a red card, a streaker, and the referee ending up on his backside.

Well, at St Andrew’s, fans came away with a few from the list. Birmingham won their match against Wigan with a soft-looking penalty, but the highlight of the game was provided by Wigan’s substitute Jason Scotland, who took advantage of some typical referee's backwards-running and blatantly tripped ref Anthony Taylor, sending him flying into the turf.

It proved to be a tough game in general for the officials; the linesman was hit on the head by a corner flag dislodged by a sliding tackle.

And in case you’re wondering, Arsenal’s title chances are back on once more. Best wishes go out to Aaron Ramsey too.

The hypnotised, game-changing Premier League review

2010-02-23T10:32:00Z

RESULTS Sat Feb 20 Arsenal 2-0 Sunderland, Everton 3-1 Manchester United, Portsmouth 1-2 Stoke, West Ham 3-0 Hull, Wolvers 0-2 Chelsea Sun Feb 21 Aston Villa 5-2 Burnley, Blackburn 3-0 Bolton, Fulham 2-1 Birmingham, Manchester City 0-0 Liverpool, Wigan 0-3 Tottenham

There was quite a contrast between the biggest games of the weekend, in which both Manchester sides took on their Merseyside rivals. One was good. The other wasn't.

I hope the Evertonians I met last week hadn’t bet on red for their game, an all-action encounter at Goodison Park which saw two inspired substitutions from Everton’s David Moyes. In a clash of the you're-not-from-round here names, Diniyar Bilyaletdinov’s screamer soon cancelled out Dimitar Berbatov’s early opener.

But then the Moyesiah made his moves, introducing youngsters Dan Gosling and Jack Rodwell from the bench. They bagged a goal each, and Everton beat Manchester United for only the second time in 30 league games.

Congratulations to Roberto Mancini and Rafa Benitez for outperforming Paul McKenna. No, not the Forest midfielder, the hypnotist: the two managers managed to send 47,000 people to sleep for 90 minutes. Who knew that playing three centre-backs and two defensive midfielders would produce such a dull game?

Top scorers this weekend were Aston Villa, putting five past poor old Burnley. Obviously our friend Emile Heskey got in on the act by putting in the all-important fourth goal.

The competition The Draw Specialist has been running between Heskey and the infamous beach ball is looking all but over, with the England striker racing away with an impressive three league goals.

Which brings us to a new head-to-head competition between Manchester United’s £30.75m striker Dimitar Berbatov and own goals scored for the Red Devils.

After Berbatov’s strike this weekend, the Bulgarian is on nine league goals, just one behind the own goals (not to be mistaken for Owen goals) scored on behalf of Manchester United. Keep an eye out for this race, I think it’s going to go right to the wire.

And finally, check out Kasabian’s unique unveiling of the “new” England away kit.

NEWS: Kasabian unveil England kit

Once again we’ve gone for a flashback to the ’66 kit, hoping the boys can relive that wonderful day in July only 40-something years ago, forgetting that the same kit keeps getting remade for every tournament without much luck.

If anyone wants to unveil their new kits for the 2010-11 season on this blog, The Draw Specialist will be more than happy to oblige.

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Boateng's belter, Mersey mayhem & own goals galore

2010-02-08T17:30:00Z

Let’s kick off with this week’s goal of the weekend.

The honour goes to George Boateng‘s winner against Manchester City.

The ex-Coventry midfielder let rip with this cracker to earn the Tigers a well deserved 2-1 win over a lackluster City.

The game saw the return from injury of Wayne Bridge, who entered the field where a certain John Terry had played away from home only a few days earlier.

Manchester United temporarily returned to the top of the Premier League table with an expected victory against bottom-dwellers Portsmouth.

But they were given more than a little helping hand on their way to bagging three points, with Avram Grant's men plundering THREE past their own goalkeeper.

Marc Wilson slammed home the pick of the trio.

United’s lead at the top lasted about a long as it took Fabio Capello to sack John Terry, as Chelsea swept Arsenal aside.

Didier Drogba knocked in both goals, continuing his amazing record of scoring against the Gunners 12 times in the same amount of games.

Terry set up the first of Drogba’s goals and had an impressive game, however he did take Capello’s advice to pull his socks up a little too literally.

And finally, the winner of the “Roy Keane award for injuring yourself while trying to injure someone else” goes to…... Everton’s Marouane Fellaini.

Some pretty tasty tackles were flying in during the Merseyside derby at Anfield on Saturday morning; the most significant in the 35th minute.

Liverpool’s Greek defender Sotirous Kyrgiakos was deservedly shown a red card for his reckless two-footed lunge on Fellaini, who himself seemed to be paying more interest to the Greek defender’s shin.

As both players lay writhing on the ground, referee Martin Atkinson reached for his back pocket, and then performed the ridiculous act of waiting for the guilty, injured party to return to their feet before dishing out their punishment.

Why can’t refs just show players a card while they are on the ground?

The Belgian escaped a card of any colour but was carried off and took no more part on the game, while Kyrgiakos was left nursing a scar matching Dirk Kuyt’s cheek.

No, it’s not what you’re thinking. The Dutchman’s face was also used as a doormat by the Everton midfielder.

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Now in 3D: Sauce, Shrek, clowns & a classic

2010-02-01T11:00:00Z

This week is all about the top of the table; Chelsea stay in the lead after an edgy 2-1 win over Burnley at Turf Moor.

Future former England captain and Daddies sauce Dad Of The Year (stop the sniggering at the back) John Terry saved the Blues’ blushes, his late winner meaning they took three points back to the Bridge (defiantly a name he’ll be sick of hearing over the next few weeks).

To the main event though, PUT YOUR 3D GLASSES ON NOW!

This weekend, Arsenal vs Manchester United became the first-ever sporting fixture screened in 3D.

OK, some people have seen Wayne Rooney in 3D before: Shrek 3 was a huge box office success.

But to others it was a chance to witness some real up-close action – the Fergie hairdryer treatment, or Gary Neville warming up.

The technology was reported to be so impressive that even Arsene Wenger admitted to spotting a foul committed by his team.

The back pages have decided that Arsenal’s title challenge is back off again after they forgot to turn up for the first half of their clash with Manchester United, in what turned out to be a fairly easy 3-1 win for the away side.

How times have changed in North London over the season; in September we were all laughing at Tottenham keeper Heurelho Gomes doing his best to avoid the ball, and hearing how Arsenal’s Manuel Almunia was Fabio Capello’s answer to his goalkeeping dilemma.

These days, Gomes is looking something like the keeper he was made out to be, while Almunia is busy palming balls into his own goal.

If he’s determined to play at international level, it’s time he looked into his family tree for an Andorran relative. (No disrespect to Andorra).

Poor-man’s-Ronaldo Nani put in his best display for quite some time, creating the first for Almunia and laying on the second for Rooney to score his hotly-anticipated 100th Premier League goal.

It all seemed too easy for Fergie’s men, and replacements were sent on to keep the first teamers fresh.

Late in the second half, £30 million sub Dimitar Berbatov was given a run-out, although Ferguson obviously wasn’t 100 percent certain of the win as Michael Own was kept on the bench.

Reader Requests

This week we recreate James McFadden’s unstoppable winner for Scotland against France in the Parc des Princes during World Cup qualifying.

Unfortunately they won’t be in South Africa this summer, but their fans will be giving Algeria, Slovenia, and the USA their full support.

Enjoy it don_cule.

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Midweek action: Grenades, showers & floor cleaner

2010-01-28T10:00:00Z

The race for fourth place is well and truly on, although someone should really tell the competitors that winning games would help.

Besides looking at the table, which is cheating, an obvious way of figuring out who are the worst teams in the Premier League is when their name appears after the sentence, ”No disrespect to….”

No disrespect to Wolves, but Molineux was the perfect venue for Liverpool to continue their improving form.

However, both teams played the majority of the game as if the ball was a grenade which should be given away at all costs.

With no memorable attempts at goal, it’s games like these when you wonder if the goalkeepers actually took a shower after the game.

Here’s the highlights:

Oh.

So Liverpool underperformed, but Aston Villa failed to capitalise at Villa Park, also drawing 0-0 in a well-fought game against born-again title contenders Arsenal.

Villa haven’t scored a league goal since before Christmas; I wonder who's playing up front for them these days?

Meanwhile, the Gunners’ defensive line welcomed the return of Sol Campbell.

It must be nice for fans in North London to see their former hero back in such a familiar kit. Arsenal playing in white? What’s next? Manchester United in blue?

Back at Sol’s old playground White Hart Lane, Tottenham easily beat Fulham 2-0 to boost their own chances of finishing fourth (how sad is it that many teams focus not on finishing first, second or third but fourth?)

Peter Crouch impressed again and bagged another goal after some great work from Luca Modric and Mark Schwarzer.

The following night, Chelsea regained top spot, halting Birmingham City’s amazing 15-game unbeaten run.

The Blues (that's Chelsea, as opposed to Birmingham, who are simply Blues) hardly broke a sweat in their 3-0 home victory.

Once again Florent Malouda must be cursing his luck. The French winger opened the scoring in the fifth minute, holding up seven fingers to indicate how many goals he's got this season.

And then team-mate Frank Lampard took away his limelight yet again by scoring twice as many. At least he refrained from holding up 16 fingers, possibly limited by not having enough.

Birmingham’s away kit looked suspiciously like the famous one worn by Ajax, which could be why Chelsea wiped the floor with them.

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A brief interlude while we await the action

2010-01-25T12:30:00Z

With most of the Premier League having a weekend off, Rob Carey delves into his personal archive

My real footballing hero isn’t Pele, Kevin Keegan, or even Kenny Dalglish.

He wasn’t an explosive striker, or a playmaking midfielder, but a defender whose toughness would bring tears to the eyes of John Terry just by looking at him.

His commitment to keeping the ball away from his penalty area, and lack of fear when going into a tackle, caused team-mates to nickname him “Droid.”

Luckily for the opposition, he played for the local hospital football team.

My brother taught me how to tackle, how to head the ball, and how to shoot.

I also became a fairly useful dribbler because of him, mainly to keep my shins in one piece, which is more that I can say about my Subbuteo players after a rare victory.

It’s my big brother’s birthday today.

He didn’t score too many goals but this effort from the halfway line was his greatest ever and scored decades before Xabi Alonso, Maynor Figueroa and that bloke who plays part-time in between advertising underwear.

He tells me it was the game-decider after a shout of “Next goal’s the winner,” making sure everyone made it home for their tea, and the fact that we can both remember it, even though it was about 30 years ago, tells you how amazing it was.

Either that or we both need to get a life. But happy birthday, Rich.

DeLoreans, sweat, pretence & volleys

2010-01-18T10:00:00Z

The week began with news that both Sol Campbell and Patrick Vieira would be returning to the league – Campbell back to Arsenal, but Vieira rejoining Mancini at Manchester City.

It's like Back to the Future, except it's the past.

Coupled with the chance of Ruud van Nistelrooy returning soon, Sky TV’s constant statements that the Premier League is the greatest league in the world might not be entirely true, except possibly in a Gold Classic version.

Then again, England’s Zinedine Zidane - Emile Heskey - struggles to get a start with Aston Villa.

Which reminds me, time for an update:

As predicted, with their striker Didier Drogba on international duty at the Africa Cup of Nations, Chelsea are struggling to find the net.

On Saturday, the league leaders were only four up at half-time, adding a paltry three more in the second half.

Nicolas Anelka and Frank Lampard helped themselves to two goals each, while Florent “I’m just as good as Frank Lampard” Malouda wasn’t quite as good as Lampard and only grabbed one.

Goal of the game was Michael Ballack’s header finishing off a quite brilliant move.

But what stood out most about the goal was during the close-up.

We may be wrong, but it looked as though the effort the German captain made to reach the ball may just have caused him to break out in a sweat.

Now get into that DeLorean car, put your foot to the floor, switch on the Flux capacitor, and travel back to your childhood.

Remember slicing the ball miles wide of a gaping open goal?

If your reaction was the same as The Draw Specialist's, you'd grab hold of your leg and roll around on the ground in “agony” - then spend the rest of the day limping around school.

During Wigan’s win at Molineux this weekend, Paul Scharner missed a chance even Emile Heskey might have tucked away following Wolves keeper Marcus Hahnemann’s superb penalty save from Hugo Rodallega.

After putting the ball the wrong side of the post, Wigan's Austrian grabbed his knee and re-enacted scenes all over school playgrounds.*

READER REQUESTS

There’s just enough plutonium left, so let’s reach 88mph one more time and go back to 1970s White Hart Lane.

He may not have “said them things” but what Glenn Hoddle could do was volley a football.

His strike against Manchester United's stagnant Gary Bailey eclipses the wonderfully worked free-kick that created the chance.

Amazingly he did it again that same season against England and Forest keeper Peter Shilton.

Enjoy it Walshey.

*Apologies in advance to Paul Scharner, just in case he has an actual injury.

Snowmen, chips, wigs & volleys

2010-01-11T16:00:00Z

Just two fixtures survived the “big freeze” this weekend.

And although neither game saw a winner, both games had their fair share of entertainment.

As the snow started settling on the Emirates (how strange does that sound?), Everton’s Steven Pienaar broke loose from the half-way line and put the Toffees 2-1 up with a sublimely executed, supremely confident chip over Arsenal’s comedy keeper Manuel Almunia.

The Gunners applied non-stop pressure in the final 15 minutes and it eventually paid off, Tomas Rosicky scoring with a deflection that Frank Lampard can only dream about.

It’s a shame that half the Arsenal fans missed the goal, but after paying around 40 pounds for a ticket, it’s probably not worth sticking around for the final whistle. Do fans ever learn?

Meanwhile, at St Andrews, Birmingham City extended their unbeaten Premier League record to 12 games and retain their top spot in the blog’s alternative championship.

Ten-man Manchester United were facing their fourth loss in seven matches.

The past master of deflecting blame from his team, Sir Alex Ferguson, pointed the finger at the referee for his side’s poor performance.

Knight or not, Ferguson needs to be extremely careful with his after-match comments: there's a good chance that the FA could fine him at least £50, maybe £100 as he’s a repeat offender.

The referee in the spotlight this week was Mark Clattenburg.

Ferguson called his decision to send off Darren Fletcher ridiculous, and it did look a little soft.

But then it’s not the first strange decision from Clattenburg this season and he’s not fooling anyone - it has to be a wig, hasn’t it?

But I do find it hard to believe that Ferguson has the nerve to complain about a ref who failed give a goal at Old Trafford a few seasons ago after the ball landed at least a yard over the line.

Pedro Mendes, anyone?

READER REQUESTS

This week’s re-enactment is of Tony Yeboah’s wonder volley against Liverpool for Leeds, back when they were in the Premier League (Video here).

That wasn't all - he scored a near-identical goal at Wimbledon...

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The team of 2009

2009-12-31T13:30:00Z

Here’s my team of the year so far.

It’s not necessarily the best team of 2009, but players who I think have been the most consistent and impressive in this half of the campaign.

In goal, Joe Hart, England’s best keeper right now: Fabio Capello must surely give him a chance to prove he’s worth a World Cup place.

At centre-back, Richard Dunne has been a revelation for Villa. Why on Earth did Manchester City ditch him for the overpriced Joleon Lescott?

Alongside him, Thomas Vermaelen at Arsenal looks to be another of Wenger’s good buys scoring and keeping out goals.

In midfield, the only thing that has stopped Craig Bellamy this season, apart from being caught offside 100 times, has been his dodgy knee (I know the feeling).

Meanwhile, James Milner has been Mr. Consistency, covering almost every position for Villa.

Wilson Palacios has slotted right into what is being labeled the Lucas Leiva position for Spurs, and Cesc Fabregas has just been Cesc Fabregas.

Up front, Wayne Rooney (or as the commentators call him, ROONEY!!!) is on top form and kissing his badge on a regular basis, while Jermain Defoe is doing his best to convince Capello he’s worth a place in his squad.

Darren Bent deserves a mention for his displays for Sunderland, and if Louis Saha could only stay fit he’d be pushing for a place too.

As for the manager, Roy Hodgson's reward for turning Fulham into quite a tidy outfit is the chance to fall out with Bellamy.

It’ll be interesting to see which players make the team of the season in May, and how the two squads match up.

But before then, Happy New Year everyone!

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Woolly jumpers, Garrincha & the Hokey-Cokey

2009-12-29T14:00:00Z

That's what it's all about...

If Arsenal’s season so far was put into song, it could only be the Hokey Cokey.

According to the nation’s back pages, the Gunners have been in, out, in, out, and lately back in the title race.

Their impressive win against high flying Aston Villa was all down to an outstanding 27 minute substitute appearance from Cesc Fabregas.

At the Emirates on Saturday, the midfielder took the game by the scruff of the neck with two fabulous goals against Villa, then hobbled off again with a hamstring injury.

Gunners fans will be crossing their fingers that the Spaniard makes a speedy recovery or else they’ll be hearing about the league being a pas de deux once again.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

At Anfield, Pepe Reina sprinted like a speeding bullet and referee Andre Marriner dodged one, in an incident Rafa Benitez would call game-changing if it was against the Reds.

The Spanish keeper ran the length of the field to remind Marriner that he had booked the wrong Wolves player to make sure Stephen Ward was shown a second yellow.

Although Ward eventually saw red, the way in which Reina begged the ref to change his mind was like his decision to wear a woolly neck-warmer: quite embarrassing.

Liverpool ended up 2-0 winners, surprising Wolves manager Mick McCarthy, who unlike throwing in the towel at Old Trafford, picked a full-strength side.

He must have expected three points.

This prompted thoughts of five changes to improve our game:

1. Corners should travel more than 10 yards, stopping the time-wasting short corner.
2. A free-kick against defenders “shepherding” the ball out for a goal kick; there’s only one player usually trying to play the ball and it isn’t them.
3. Fouls should be judged equally no matter where they are committed on the field; referees should either ref the game as they do when the ball is outside the penalty area, or when the ball is in the penalty area.
4. Stop players from touching the ball when a free-kick or throw-in is given against their team. Also, book the players who stand in front of the ball to stop a quick free-kick from being taken.
5. Oh, and get rid of co-commentators (usually average ex-players) who talk too much and state the obvious, naming no names Mark Bright, Robbie Earle and Dean Sturridge.

Please feel free to add your own...

Reader requests

And so starts hopefully a regular feature.

Last week someone requested this moment of brilliance from Brazil’s Garrincha in the 1958 World Cup against the USSR; I hope I’ve done it justice.

Send in your own favourite football moment and I’ll see what I can do.

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Santa, gifts and strippers

2009-12-21T09:00:00Z

It’s hard to believe that a squad of world famous Premier League footballers could get caught at an unauthorised Christmas party, drinking and dancing with strippers.

It’s not like it’s never happened before.

So Spurs must be cursing their luck after telling boss Harry Redknapp that they were off on a golfing holiday, then seeing the gruesome evidence splashed all over the morning front pages.

It's almost as if new-fangled phones are somehow also cameras, too.

But Harry is no mug and has promised that he will deal with the entire team severely.

He’s not just a pretty face, you know.

Meanwhile, on the field Spurs are writing headlines for the right reasons: Peter Crouch’s two goals secured an easy away win at Blackburn, moving his team up to fifth place.

Sounds like a great excuse for a celebration.

Chelsea sit top of the tree this Christmas, but failed to fully capitalise on Manchester United’s loss to Fulham with a 1-1 draw at Upton Park.

Highlight of the match was Mike Dean’s effort to win over the West Ham faithful by ordering the always-popular Blues midfielder Frank Lampard-Deflection to take his penalty three times.

Tis the season of goodwill, especially at the City of Manchester Stadium where defences of City and Sunderland spent the afternoon offering gifts to their opponents.

City eventually came out on top with a 4-3 victory, and it certainly looked as though Mark Hughes’ Christmas had been saved by Santa as Roque Santa Cruz helped himself to two goals.

Sadly it was a little too late for Hughes, who ended up getting sacked.

You could see that coming a mile away - the joke and the sacking.

Merry Christmas everyone.

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Quick midweek beachball update

2009-12-16T14:00:00Z

Heskey scores again, for Villa at Sunderland.

This guy means business; he came to the home of the beachball and gave it a lesson in finishing.

Tim Howard, you’ve been warned: Emile’s next goal is due some time in June.

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Dives, dismissals & wonder goals

2009-12-14T13:00:00Z

FFT.com's artist in residence Rob Carey on a mixed weekend for Manchester United, Manchester City, Wigan Athletic and Chelsea...

Let’s start with a short quiz:

In October 2006, which current Premier League footballer said:

“I would never dive. I would like to think of myself as an honest player. That's the way I play. I don't like diving, football doesn't need it.”

Need a clue? He was booked this weekend for diving. Yes it’s the honest, mature Wayne Rooney.

It’s hard to believe that anyone with AIG on their shirt can be involved in an act of dishonesty. He must be foreign.

Diving, or simulation to give it it’s proper, ridiculous name, makes too many headlines in the wonderful world of football.

After today this blog is going to try and leave it alone for a while.

However, it is nice to see some referees dishing out yellow cards for the offence, even if one of them got it horribly wrong.

But then again, although he was upended by a Bolton defender while in full flow, not many people will shed a tear for Manchester City’s Craig Bellamy.

As he picked up a second yellow card for being kicked in the air you could almost hear Graeme Souness, John Arne Riise, Alan Shearer, that Manchester United fan he confronted and all the referees throughout the world sniggering as he trudged off the field.

This week's goal of the week is a no brainer: Wigan’s Maynor Figueroa combined some smart thinking with a little bit of cheek in taking a quick free-kick from his own half.

Seeing Stoke’s Thomas Sorenson off his line, Figueroa lofted this beauty over the Danish keeper and into the net.

As for news from the top of the table, Chelsea are doing their best to keep everyone else involved with some comedy defending.

Czech keeper Cech scored Everton’s first goal, then looked bewildered as another free-kick caused mayhem in his penalty-area for the Toffees' third.

They have now conceded 11 goals from set pieces this season. Now if a certain team from Merseyside who use zonal marking were to have the same numbers, the papers would have a field day.

Then again, they’ve got enough ammunition as it is.

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Penalty pain, sneaky Sidwell & the Alternative PL

2009-12-07T12:00:00Z

FFT.com's artist in residence Rob Carey on penalty pain for Chelsea and Tottenham and improvisation at Aston Villa...

England fans all over the country rejoiced on Friday after witnessing the World Cup draw in South Africa.

Surprisingly, all the back pages of the morning newspapers claimed that England are definitly, 100 percent, no doubt about it, going to win the whole thing.

But incidents over the weekend may have dampened our dreams a little and brought back memories of England’s previous shortcomings.

A well respected, organised, and experienced Italian manager can tighted up the back four, sort out the midfield dilemma, and ignore Michael Owen, but sadly he can’t do a damn thing about our inability to put away a penalty.

Chelsea’s Frank Lampard had the chance to put his team level at Eastlands on Saturday but his tame effort was easily saved by City keeper, Shay Given.

While Tottenham’s Jermain Defoe drove his stoppage-time penalty straight into Everton’s Tim Howard, squandering the chance to earn his side three points at Goodison.

England should cruise out of the group stages, but travelling fans should check their hotel cancelation rules.

But it wasn’t all bad for English players.

Aston Villa’s James Milner scored the goal of the week past the unfortunate Matt Duke in the Hull City goal.

Duke bolted out of his penalty-area to beat the oncoming Villa forwards, sliding the ball out for a throw.

But quick-thinking Villa substitute Steve Sidwell, warming up nearby, grabbed the ball and hastily returned it to a fellow Villa player to throw to Milner, who cleverly lobbed the Hull keeper - comically busting a gut to get back to his goal.

Credit though must go to Sidwell, for his biggest contribution since joining the Villians last summer.

More than just a game

50 years ago this week Bill Shankly took over as manager of Liverpool FC, transforming the second division outfit into league champions and conquerors of Europe.

While current Reds manager Rafa Benitez seemed content to lead his team to a tedious 0-0 draw with Blackburn, their fans’ songs were being drowned out by the sound of Shankly turning in his grave.

Alternative Premier League

Readers following the blog from the start of the season will remember the Alternative League, modeled on the “Unofficial World Championship.”

Last year’s official league winners Manchester United started out as the team to beat, until the mighty Burnley knocked them off their perch.

As the season has gone on, the lead has changed hands on numerous occasions: Chelsea, Wigan, and Fulham have all sat at the top.

Birmingham City are the current Alternative League leaders after continuing their impressive unbeaten run with a 3-2 win over Wigan at the “I have no shame and named an arena after myself, Dave Whelan, DW Stadium.”

Shame about the kit though.

And finally, best wishes go out to everyone’s favourite player not in their team, Jimmy Bullard.

Hurry back soon.

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Wagging fingers, Fonz and Le Chav

2009-11-30T13:00:00Z

FFT.com's artist in residence Rob Carey looks at Hull's impressionist, Liverpool's saviour, Chelsea's average killer and Arsenal's chav...

Jimmy earns a point

Now that’s how to celebrate a goal. Last Boxing Day at Eastlands Hull were 4-1 down by half-time, prompting Phil Brown to jump off his sun-bed and give his team-talk on the field in front of the fans.

On Saturday, after serial joker Jimmy Bullard levelled for the Tigers from the penalty spot, the Hull team relived the scene while Bullard took the place of Phil Brown and gave them a good telling off.

Meanwhile, Alex Ferguson, serving his first week of a touchline ban for constant moaning about referees, especially the ones who blow for time before his team have won, complains about the refereeing in his team’s 4-1 win over bottom of the league Portsmouth.

Well, he does have a point; Mike Dean only gave United two penalties.

Le Chav

No crap kits this week, but what was Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger wearing while giving the fourth official an earful this weekend?

As he pretended not to see all the fouls his team committed, the Gunners boss sported a jacket, trackie bottoms and trainers that any fashion conscious-chav would be proud of.

Gunners out of ammo

Meanwhile, as their manager was searching for his Burberry baseball cap, his team were losing their unbeaten home record.

The Blues soaked up all the pressure then punished Arsenal with some deadly finishing, Didier Drogba topping off the clinical performance with a beauty of a free kick.

The league leaders weren't at their best; you could say it was an average performance. So we were all treated to the commentator’s old favourite: “Winning while playing badly is the sign of a good team.”

What kind of team play fantastic and lose?

Happy Days for Liverpool

The Fonz was at Goodison for The Friendly Derby, where Reds sing about how much they'd miss Everton if they moved to a new stadium in Kirkby, while the Blues voice their love of Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard.

It was a must-win game for both teams, but Liverpool ended up 2-0 winners and thumbs up to goalkeeper Pepe Reina who kept Everton at bay.

A tap-in from dashing Dirk Kuyt and a Lampardesque deflection from Mascherano defeated the Toffees, but Reina pulled off a hair-raising double save that Jerzy Dudek would have been proud of.

So happy days are back for Liverpool, although they did look average. But then again, you know what the commentators say don’t you?

Classic Moments in the Premier League 1

Sunday’s Merseyderby passed by without its usual moment or moments of controversy.

So let’s remind ourselves of one of the greatest derby incidents of all time, Robbie Fowler banging home a penalty then showing the Everton fans his thoughts of their jibes about him having a cocaine habit.

When asked to comment on the act, then Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier told reporters that the striker was just pretending to eat grass.

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The Draw Specialist, Mon 23 Nov: Horseplay, pyjamas & a miracle
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Horseplay, pyjamas & a miracle

2009-11-23T12:00:00Z

It's another new blog at FourFourTwo.com, home of the good read. In this one, Rob Carey analyses the latest games – with the help of his trusty felt-tip pens...

REBIRTH FOR YOSSI

Spoilsport of the weekend must surely be Liverpool's Yossi Benayoun.

After an early exit last week thanks to a pulled hamstring, Benayoun spent most of this week in Russia, lying face-down with some crazy woman rubbing a horse placenta on the back of his leg.

But then again, didn't we all?

As Yossi swept home Liverpool's second goal on Saturday, fans across the country leapt with excitement hoping to witness possibly the greatest goal celebration of all time.

Unfortunately Benayoun pumped his fists and ran back to the halfway line.

Honestly, what do these professional footballers do in training these days?

MIRACLE AT TURF MOOR!

Pele, Maradona, Best, Eusebio, Cruyff... who comes next in the list? Zidane? Ronaldo? It's obvious isn't it – Emile Ivanhoe Heskey! (sticking to the equine theme...)

Yes, this weekend proved that not only does Heskey create every goal England score, but he can also find the net himself.

His late equaliser for Villa at Turf Moor on Saturday was his first in the league since April, keeping up his impressive goal-every-25-games ratio.

Who needs Defoe and his five goals in one single game, when big Emile can notch the same amount in three years?

BEACH BALL WATCH

It's neck and neck!

IN OTHER NEWS

Sunderland shocked Arsenal 1-0 at the Stadium of Light and their ever-expanding manager Steve Bruce claimed that they deserved Darren Bent's fortunate winner adding that his team haven't had any luck since the infamous beach ball goal, the poor things.

After winning a game by scoring a goal which came as a result of the ball rebounding off a bright red inflatable object and ending up in the net instead of the keeper’s hands, I don't think Bruce should really be expecting too much more good luck this season.

GOAL OF THE WEEK

The league witnessed some stunners this week.

Chelsea's Florent Malouda belted an unstoppable left-footer past ex-Sisters Of Mercy frontman Wayne Hennessey, and Darren Fletcher pretended the ball was an opponent's shin bone and walloped it into the Everton net.

But there really is nothing quite like a headed own goal from outside the penalty area, so thanks to Sam Ricketts for this effort which livened up an unexpectedly dull Bolton-Blackburn match.

CRAP KITS

When Jermain Defoe shows his grandchildren the pictures of his five goals against Wigan they'll probably ask him what on earth was he wearing.

What a shame: the man bangs in five goals on a single game and 20 years from now people are going to think he was doing it in his pyjamas.

Sorry Wigan fans, but I just love it when the vidiprinter has to spell out the number of goals scored so that viewers don't call Specsavers for a check up.

Apparently Harry Redknapp complained after the match, as the Wigan goal shouldn't have counted. Anyone for a replay?

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