The Draw Specialist

It's like Match of the Day, but with stickmen

Rob Carey

Premier Sketch: Alarm clocks, atheism & top drawer saves

Chelsea fans will be searching for the alarm clocks hidden underneath the piles of half price Fernando Torres shirts in the Chelsea Megastore - after all, if their side is to have a chance of winning something...
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Prem sketch: Shocks as Torres scores for Chelsea and Arsenal concede

We really have to begin with the highlight of the weekend: Fernando Torres coming off the bench and finally notching a goal for his nearly new club Chelsea, keeping their title challenge alive with a 3...
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Premier sketch: Russian belters, barn doors & Roy's resurgence

There were several cracking goals this weekend, but none better than the one scored by Everton’s Diniyar Bilyaletdinov which put his side well on the way to a convincing 3-0 away win over struggling Wolves...
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Premier Sketch: goalie bags, S.A.D. and a free-kick-off

Have you ever wondered what goalkeepers keep in those little goalie bags they stick in the back of their net? Spare gloves, obviously; tape, probably; the Barcelona keeper might take a novel in case Xavi...
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Premier Sketch: Snipers, snoods and a birthday present

It sure is nice to see justice done on the football field; it doesn’t happen too much during a season, so let’s make the most of it. For example, an undeserved penalty missed by the player who flung himself...
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Premier sketch: Rooney's shinner & Van Persie's chocolate leg

According to Sir Alex Ferguson, Old Trafford witnessed ”the greatest goal ever scored at the stadium” during Saturday's Manchester derby. Taken with a strikers’ instinct, back to goal, tightly marked...
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Meanwhile at the Anfield Megastore

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The Offside Law: A Cartoon View

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Premier Sketch: Hat-tricks, Christmas cards & sexism

The top end of the table saw mixed fortunes for the two Manchester clubs this weekend; United continued to astound everyone with their unbeaten run, with opponents Birmingham City giving them a helping...
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Premier Sketch: Chilean miners, marine haircuts & Barton's sausage-legs

Manchester City moved joint-top of the table for a few days with a 3-0 away win at West Ham, after Chelsea continued their stuttering run of winless games. The weekend’s best goal scored by a snood-wearer...
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Premier Sketch: Lady Gaga, snoods and Pop Tarts

RESULTS Sat 4 Dec Arsenal 2-1 Fulham, Birmingham City 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur, Blackburn Rovers 3-0 Wolverhampton Wanderers, Chelsea 1-1 Everton, Manchester City 1-0 Bolton Wanderers, Wigan Athletic 2-2...
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Premier Sketch: Seven-goal hauls, Carlo Raddishlotti & snoods

Well it looks like Fergie owes Sam Allardyce another couple of bottles of red wine after his side went back to the top of the table with a shocking 7-1 win over Big Sam’s Blackburn. Rovers will be cursing...
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Premier Sketch: Hairy potterer, underpants, snot and Swede-bashing

Well, he finally returned after much anticipation this week, ready for action, and looking better than ever. And what a reception he was treated to; Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid just couldn’t hold back their...
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Premier Sketch: Dancing, drunks and pie & chips

The race for the Premier League was blown well and truly open thanks to the performance of the week from Sunderland, who trounced current champions and league leaders Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. Ghanaian...
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Premier Sketch: Shockings, stockings, short sleeves and David Coleman

Table-toppers Chelsea’s visit to Anfield against the slowly improving Liverpool saw Blues skipper John Terry performing his annual assault on Fernando Torres. In previous years he’s managed to avoid cards...
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Premier Sketch: Chickens, whispering, booze and moustaches

No prizes for guessing where we begin this week: Old Trafford and Nani’s goal to clinch Manchester United’s win against Spurs. United’s Darren Fletcher admitted to reporters that the Portuguese winger...
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Prem sketch: Graffiti and Picasso

Last week was another where action on the pitch was eclipsed by shenanigans off it, with Wayne Rooney all but handing in a transfer request then deciding to stay just a few days later. Suspicious? No course...
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Prem Sketch: Dr Evil & Mr Dive

After a dramatic week in the courts it looks like we’ve finally seen the last of former Liverpool owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett. At least they gave us all a good chuckle as they left; Tom "Dr...
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Rockets and roller-coasters

We’re seven games into the season, so it’s about time people started asking if the title race is already over. After last week’s hiccup in Manchester, Chelsea continue their relentless march at the top...
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Prem sketch: Excuse him, he's from Pamplona

Last weekend produced more surprises than most children get on Christmas morning, actually that’s not really saying a whole lot as nowadays as most teenagers already know they’re getting , an Xbox, a Wii...
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Premier sketch: Freaks, bikes and jokers

We’re seeing an extraordinary amount of freak goals this season, and I don’t mean Peter Crouch is in top form… Last week Chelsea’s Salomon Kalou benefited from a wicked deflection, and this week it was...
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Premier sketch: Thrills and spills

Hi everybody, it’s time to put on your favourite knitwear, pretend to laugh at pre-scripted jokes, and play the BBC’s A Question of Sport’s famous, “What happened next?” We’re heading over to West Ham...
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Premier sketch: Missing persons

The one game that both teams were desperate to win this weekend was at Villa Park, between managerless Aston Villa and winless Everton. Within two minutes of kick off, Villa fans were already serenading...
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Premier Sketch: Six Love

It was just like watching Wimbledon this weekend, but not the franchise who moved to Milton Keynes or the ones who play at Kingstonian. No, you’d be forgiven for thinking you were listening to the All...
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Premier Sketch: Coaches, pies and vomit

The new season brought us a few shocks but reigning champions Chelsea picked up just where they had left off with a 6-0 drubbing of newly-promoted West Brom . Blues striker Didier Drogba scored the first...
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Chelsea's title, Berbatov's draw and the goals of the season

Goals galore on the final day of the season; Chelsea were crowned champions turning on the style with a 8-0 victory over Wigan, Manchester United trashed Stoke 4-0, Arsenal battered Fulham reserves 4-0...
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Premier Review: Dodgy back-passes, teddy bears & enthusiastic ballboys

It was certainly a topsy-turvy weekend in the Premier League, with Liverpool fans in a dilemma over the outcome of their game with Chelsea and Manchester United fans hoping Liverpool picked up all three...
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The pitch vomiting, referee chasing Premier Review

It really does look like the title race is going right to the wire. Manchester United took the top spot for 24 hours with a 3-1 win over in-form Tottenham thanks to two penalties from Ryan Giggs, who had...
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The handballing, lip-smacking Premier Review

What a contrasting week it’s been in North London. Tottenham, and Woody Allen’s Danny Rose capped his debut with a stunning volley midweek in the derby. He struck his left-footed screamer with such force...
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The backheeling, egg-boiling Premier Review

So Chelsea claimed pole position at the weekend, beating Manchester United 2-1 at Old Trafford in controversial style. Didier Drogba’s second half strike was clearly offside prompting Old Trafford boss...
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Soap bars and lasagne: the Premier Review

Sometimes, championship-winning sides have been know to order special medals for players who weren’t able to play in the minimum games required but made a telling contribution to the campaign. By that...
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The pot-bellied fat-bottomed Premier Review

While Chelsea are doing their best to enter the challenge for fourth spot, Manchester United stayed at the summit. Congratulations must go to defender Nemanja Vidic who managed to stay on the field for...
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The gum-chewing oft-diving Premier Review

Who's No.1? It depends what time you ask. Top spot switched hands a couple of times over the weekend. On Saturday, Chelsea dished out a beating to Stamford Bridge legend Gianfranco Zola’s West Ham...
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The feather-ruffling banjo-playing Premier Review

The week's main news off the field came from Manchester about the group looking to buy out the Glazers: the Red Knights. Green and yellow scarves have been multiplying in the Stretford End for weeks;...
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The tongue-wagging, ref-tripping Prem review

RESULTS Sat Feb 27 Birmingham 1-0 Wigan, Bolton 1-0 Wolves, Burnley 1-2 Portsmouth, Chelsea 2-4 Manchester City, Stoke 1-3 Arsenal Sun Feb 28 Liverpool 2-1 Blackburn, Sunderland 0-0 Fulham, Tottenham 2...
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The hypnotised, game-changing Premier League review

RESULTS Sat Feb 20 Arsenal 2-0 Sunderland, Everton 3-1 Manchester United, Portsmouth 1-2 Stoke, West Ham 3-0 Hull, Wolvers 0-2 Chelsea Sun Feb 21 Aston Villa 5-2 Burnley, Blackburn 3-0 Bolton, Fulham 2...
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Boateng's belter, Mersey mayhem & own goals galore

Let’s kick off with this week’s goal of the weekend. The honour goes to George Boateng‘s winner against Manchester City. The ex-Coventry midfielder let rip with this cracker to earn the Tigers a well deserved...
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Now in 3D: Sauce, Shrek, clowns & a classic

This week is all about the top of the table; Chelsea stay in the lead after an edgy 2-1 win over Burnley at Turf Moor. Future former England captain and Daddies sauce Dad Of The Year (stop the sniggering...
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Midweek action: Grenades, showers & floor cleaner

The race for fourth place is well and truly on, although someone should really tell the competitors that winning games would help. Besides looking at the table, which is cheating, an obvious way of figuring...
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A brief interlude while we await the action

With most of the Premier League having a weekend off, Rob Carey delves into his personal archive My real footballing hero isn’t Pele, Kevin Keegan, or even Kenny Dalglish. He wasn’t an explosive striker...
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DeLoreans, sweat, pretence & volleys

The week began with news that both Sol Campbell and Patrick Vieira would be returning to the league – Campbell back to Arsenal, but Vieira rejoining Mancini at Manchester City. It's like Back to the...
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Snowmen, chips, wigs & volleys

Just two fixtures survived the “big freeze” this weekend. And although neither game saw a winner, both games had their fair share of entertainment. As the snow started settling on the Emirates (how strange...
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The team of 2009

Here’s my team of the year so far. It’s not necessarily the best team of 2009, but players who I think have been the most consistent and impressive in this half of the campaign. In goal, Joe Hart , England...
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Woolly jumpers, Garrincha & the Hokey-Cokey

That's what it's all about... If Arsenal’s season so far was put into song, it could only be the Hokey Cokey . According to the nation’s back pages, the Gunners have been in, out, in, out, and...
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Santa, gifts and strippers

It’s hard to believe that a squad of world famous Premier League footballers could get caught at an unauthorised Christmas party, drinking and dancing with strippers. It’s not like it’s never happened...
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Quick midweek beachball update

Heskey scores again, for Villa at Sunderland. This guy means business; he came to the home of the beachball and gave it a lesson in finishing. Tim Howard, you’ve been warned: Emile’s next goal is due some...
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Dives, dismissals & wonder goals

FFT.com's artist in residence Rob Carey on a mixed weekend for Manchester United, Manchester City, Wigan Athletic and Chelsea... Let’s start with a short quiz: In October 2006, which current Premier...
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Penalty pain, sneaky Sidwell & the Alternative PL

FFT.com's artist in residence Rob Carey on penalty pain for Chelsea and Tottenham and improvisation at Aston Villa... England fans all over the country rejoiced on Friday after witnessing the World...
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Wagging fingers, Fonz and Le Chav

FFT.com's artist in residence Rob Carey looks at Hull's impressionist, Liverpool's saviour, Chelsea's average killer and Arsenal's chav... Jimmy earns a point Now that’s how to celebrate...
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Horseplay, pyjamas & a miracle

It's another new blog at FourFourTwo.com, home of the good read. In this one, Rob Carey analyses the latest games – with the help of his trusty felt-tip pens... REBIRTH FOR YOSSI Spoilsport of the...
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Spotlight

75% of all TV is Bale

He's here, he's there, he's...

On the road to ruin

The cost of Premier League away travel