The Draw Specialist : Nani

Premier Sketch: Chickens, whispering, booze and moustaches

Rob Carey — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 09:40:00 GMT

No prizes for guessing where we begin this week: Old Trafford and Nani’s goal to clinch Manchester United’s win against Spurs. United’s Darren Fletcher admitted to reporters that the Portuguese winger put the ball in the back of the net with a gun held to his head.

“Nani had no choice but to put the ball in the net, what else could he have done?” said Gary Neville’s replacement as spokesperson for the Old Trafford club. But is it too naive for fans of the game to think that he actually could have left the ball alone, shown some respect to his fellow footballers and walked away?

Well, after going down in instalments to win a penalty then pulling the age-old trick of grabbing the ball to force the referee to make a decision, why would anyone expect him respect to come into the equation? Paolo Di Canio would roll over in his grave if he wasn’t still alive and well.

So how about referee Mark Clattenburg and his linesman Simon Beck: can they take any of the blame for this, after their hurried whispering behind their hands like pre-teen girls in the playground? Certainly, a bit of common sense could have easily solved the situation, and maybe saved the ever-respectful Rio Ferdinand from straining his jaw.

Clattenburg: “Are you 100 percent sure the whole ball crossed the line?
Linesman: "Mark, that was last time...”

Now if you still have the game on your TVs, fast-forward to the 88th minute when Nani is about to take a corner; look at the bottom of the screen and you’ll spot Spurs forward Roman Pavlyuchenko for reasons only he knows doing an impression of a chicken.

And it wasn’t just at Old Trafford where poultry impressions were occurring; in the Tyne-Wear derby, Newcastle captain Kevin Nolan took time off from babysitting Andy Carroll to bag himself a hat-trick in the Toon’s 5-1 stuffing of Sunderland. As each goal hit the net Nolan celebrated with a chicken dance of his own. Like you do.

The performance of the week undoubtedly came from Wolverhampton Wanderers, who condemned Manchester City to their second successive defeat. After going a goal down, Wolves gallantly fought back to win 2-1. A very welcome three points for Mick McCarthy’s men, and it’s safe to say this week that the City players won’t be caught on video out on the lash.

And finally, here’s your chance to emulate those wonderful Liverpool sides of the 70s and 80s. Terry McDermott, Graeme Souness, Ian Rush, Bruce Grobbelaar & Co. were almost as famous for the hair on their upper lips as they were for their skills on the pitch. MOVEMBER is here which means even a muzzie with less bum fluff than Gary Neville will still earn you respect from your fellow man; it’s for a brilliant cause.

Prem Sketch: Dr Evil & Mr Dive

Rob Carey — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 10:01:00 GMT

After a dramatic week in the courts it looks like we’ve finally seen the last of former Liverpool owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett. At least they gave us all a good chuckle as they left; Tom "Dr Evil" Hicks, with little finger in mouth, announced from his tropical island hideout that he is aiming to sue the whole of Britain for, wait for it, "ONE BILLION DOLLARS!"

However, Liverpool's on-field problems continued with a 2-0 loss to Everton in the Mersey derby. New owner John Henry, who also owns baseball’s Boston Red Sox, admitted it’s going to take some time for him to adjust to this new sport. That said, Lucas Leiva, Maxi Rodriguez & Co sure made their new boss felt right at home: Henry is used to watching his players standing around doing nothing but scratching their bums all game.

Further up England's exotic West Coast at Bloomfield Road, another tremendous display from Blackpool saw them just fall short of a deserved point against Manchester City. The Sea-Sea-Seasiders managed to give City a real run for their endless supply of money and should feel a little hard done by, as at least one of Carlos Tevez’s goals should have been ruled out.

Substitute David Silva notched his first and City’s third goal, and what a wonderful way to open his account with this week’s goal of the week. Receiving the ball just outside the Blackpool area, the Spaniard jinked his way through the Tangerines and finished with a plum, sorry aplomb, curling a banana shot past the fruitless efforts of keeper Matt Gilks whose effort was fruitless. A real peach of a goal.

If City can keep this run going and finish in the top four, there’s every chance that beer bellies worldwide will be bursting the seams of sky blue shirts instead of those of their red neighbours – who once again let a two-goal lead slip. The grateful recipients of this week’s generous Manchester United defending were West Brom, who look to be in real danger of staying up this season.

The culprit for United this time was the usually reliable Edwin van der Sar, dropping a cross in a manner that Roy Carroll would be proud of, and allowing Baggies’ Somen Tchoyi a tapped-in equaliser.

With Wayne Rooney and his boss not seeing eye to eye and Nani unable to replicate his former team-mate Cristiano Ronaldo every week United could struggle to keep up with the league leaders. Could the bragging rights in Manchester finally be switching from red to blue?

Talking of Ronaldo, it looks like the Premier League has finally found his replacement, but not in the step-over, sprint down the wing, step-over, cut inside, double step-over, hammer the ball into the net and invite team-mates over to join the celebration even though they don’t really want to kind of way.

He’s already pulled off the hairstyle, now Arsenal’s Marouane Chamakh is trying to emulate the Portugeezer’s ability to win a penalty with defenders 10 yards away, and he pulled it off to perfection this weekend during his side’s home win against Birmingham. But with referees forgetting to book players for cheating and the FA unwilling to enforce retroactive action through video evidence, what do players have to lose?

So let’s try to get our game back: it’s time to name and shame. This week the Draw Specialist Hall of Shame opens and Mr Chamakh has just picked up an enormous pair of scissors and cut the ribbons.

The pitch vomiting, referee chasing Premier Review

Rob Carey — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 11:17:00 GMT

It really does look like the title race is going right to the wire. Manchester United took the top spot for 24 hours with a 3-1 win over in-form Tottenham thanks to two penalties from Ryan Giggs, who had previously managed to avoid taking spot-kicks despite being a first-team regular for four decades.

But it was Nani who stole the headlines. Once Spurs had pulled the game back to 1-1, he took the game by the scruff of the neck, scoring one and winning the second penalty.

The Portuguese's performance mirrored his season: after showing tremendous composure when chipping Heurelho Gomes for the third (above), he then threw up his breakfast all over the Old Trafford turf, as did teammate Patrice Evra. As my mum would say, 'He's not drunk, he's dehydrated!'

It was hard to tell if he got any on his new boots or whether they were actually that colour originally.

United's win meant that the pressure was on Chelsea to pick up three points against stubborn Stoke. But the Stamford Bridge fans needn't have worried: the Blues battered the Potters 7-0, the third time this season that Chelsea have recorded seven goals in a game.

Tony Pulis described his team as 'having their pants pulled down and backsides spanked'. That's embarrassing, but not half as bad as letting Salomon Kalou score a hat trick against you.

Next week Chelsea visit Anfield, which gives Liverpool a chance to help out their neighbours down the road; now if Rafa Benitez really is leaving in the summer, what are the chances that his goodbye present to his mate Alex Ferguson will be fielding a reserve team on Sunday? Surely he could get away with it; this season it's been hard to tell the difference.

At least Rafa could smile this week as his side recorded their FIRST away win in 2010! Liverpool hammered the final nail into Burnley's coffin with a 4-0 win at Turf Moor. We'll all miss the Clarets next year for two reasons: those amazing toe-poked penalties by Graham Alexander, and the league's best advertising boards. Forget your snazzy animated electronic boards; we love an enormous old-fashioned hoarding saying DAVE FISHWICK.

Turf Moor witnessed the goal of the week and it was a Steven Gerrard special. The Liverpool skipper curled an unstoppable 25-yarder past Brian Jenson to make it 2-0 after Alberto Aquilani 'assisted' the Scouser by slipping on a blade of grass. If anyone has Aquilani in their fantasy football team, two questions for you:

1. Was he credited with an assist?
2. What were you thinking?

Finally, has anyone ever witnessed a referee change his mind over a penalty after being surrounded by half a dozen red-faced, vein-popping, bile-spitting defenders? Watching the Second City Derby at Villa Park made you wonder if anyone is still bothering with the Respect campaign. Is it still going?

Martin Atkinson made a poor decision to award Villa's game-winning penalty, but the sight of half of Birmingham's side surrounding him brought back to the days of Roy Keane chasing referees around Old Trafford.

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