Premier Sketch: Coaches, pies and vomit

Rob Carey — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 10:07:00 GMT

The new season brought us a few shocks but reigning champions Chelsea picked up just where they had left off with a 6-0 drubbing of newly-promoted West Brom. Blues striker Didier Drogba scored the first hat-trick of the season, his third goal taking the kind of deflection that teammate Frank Lampard would have been proud of.

Earlier this month Drogba announced that he has been struggling with an injury for over half a decade; perhaps that’s why he feels the need to take a five-minute kip during every game. As for Albion, their fans should probably wait a while before buying Premier league patches for their replica shirts.

Meanwhile at White Hart Lane, all eyes were on big spenders Manchester City to see how they fared in their opener away to Tottenham. But it was Spurs who looked more like top four contenders, with only City keeper Joe Hart’s heroics keeping the scoreline at 0-0.

In fact the only Manchester City player who scored this weekend was James Milner in Villa’s easy win against West Ham. City manager Roberto Mancini quashed rumours of unrest in the camp before the match, but admitted he does have problems with his coaches – saying that he didn’t have enough of them to transport all of his midfielders down to London.

The performance of the weekend must surely go to everyone’s relegation favourites Blackpool, who astonishingly took Wigan apart 4-0 at the DW Stadium. After Blackpool’s Alex Baptiste slotted home the Seasiders' fourth in the 75th minute, the home fans were so disgusted by their team's showing that half of them headed for the exits, while the other two decided to stay and finish off their pies.

GOAL OF THE WEEK
During Wolves’ 2-1 win over Stoke, David Jones pulled this beauty out of his locker; receiving a short free-kick, Jones chipped up the ball then belted it past Stoke’s helpless keeper Thomas Sorenson and in off the bar. Apparently the strike was so impressive that even Wolves manager Mick McCarthy’s eyebrows cracked a smile.

After drowning out the vuvuzelas during the World Cup with their constant complaints about the dreaded Jabulani football, goalkeepers all over the country welcomed the new Premier League Match ball. We’re told that its brightly coloured markings make it much easier for keepers to see the ball and judge its flight. Pepe Reina, Tim Howard, Manuel Almunia and Chris Kirkland, just wondering how it worked out for you?

CRAP KITS: Everton away
The new season always throws up its fair share of classic shirts but it’s the truly awful ones that stick in the memory, and this “lightning pink” Everton away kit looks like it might literally have been “thrown up”.

"FUTURE OF FOOTBALL"-WATCH
And finally, this season we’re keeping an eye on the three saviours of the English game; the youngsters who according to the “newspapers” should be picked alongside David Beckham in Capello’s international set-up.

During his side’s 1-1 draw at Anfield, Arsenal’s Jack Wilshere played for just over 45 minutes and executed a tackle on Inter Milan's Javier Mascherano that, had the roles been reversed, would have had given Arsene Wenger something to complain about for six months. The teenage Zidane was lucky to escape at least a caution: as ex-Everton defender and TV’s co-commentator Matt Jackson so brilliantly admitted, “I’ve seen worse tackles get yellows.”

The other English supermen-in-waiting, Kieran Gibbs and Everton’s Jack Rodwell, warmed their respective benches. No doubt they were saving themselves for the Euro qualifiers next month.

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Soap bars and lasagne: the Premier Review

Rob Carey — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 09:26:00 GMT

Sometimes, championship-winning sides have been know to order special medals for players who weren’t able to play in the minimum games required but made a telling contribution to the campaign.

By that token, if either Manchester United or Chelsea win the league this year, they should order a medal for Manuel Almunia, after another gaffe from the Arsenal keeper cost his team two vital points. It's not just the Spaniard’s chances of making Fabio Capello’s England squad that are slipping away.

Chelsea were the first team to take advantage of Arsenal’s woe with a quite astounding 7-1 thumping of Aston Villa, all with Sven’s Didier Drogba relaxing on the bench.

Frank Lampard was man of the match, and... are you sitting down? He bagged four goals himself! Are you really sitting down? They all went in without deflections!

BERBATOV VS THE OPPONENTS
Meanwhile, Manchester United stayed at the top, after a 4-0 victory over neighbours Bolton. With Wayne Rooney maturing back at home, it was up to Dimitar Berbatov to take up the slack, and the Bulgarian didn’t let his team-mates down.

Bolton’s JLloyd Samuel scored the first, an own-goal; his beautifully taken effort meant that United’s opponents had now provided them with 11 own goals this season – topping Berbatov’s tally. However, the £30.75m striker wasn’t to be outdone and finished off the Trotters with two goals himself.

This one’s going to go right to the wire.

THE ALTERNATIVE PREMIER LEAGUE TITLE
So on to another Draw Specialist competition, the Alternative Premier League, modelled on boxing where champions lose their title to the team that beats them.

Those of you who have been following will remember (or maybe not) that Birmingham City held the title. Well it's changed hands a few times since then; Blues went on a six-game unbeaten streak that was halted by a 3-0 loss to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge.

For a while it looked like Chelsea could go all the way but then they were beaten 2-1, at home by Everton. Still awake? Well then the Toffees went on an impressive run themselves but that stopped at White Hart Lane in a 2-1 defeat to Spurs.

And that’s where the crown is being held at this moment after Tottenham’s 2-0 win against Championship side Portsmouth; next week they’re defending their lead at Sunderland. As there are only a few games remaining you’ll be updated every week until the final game of the season. Anyone for lasagne?

Not only are Spurs competing for the Alternate League, they're also in prime position for the fourth Champions League spot. With Villa getting thrashed and Man City playing on Monday, Liverpool had the chance to move into fifth place against Sunderland.

And for once, the shackles were off; within three minutes Fernando Torres had scored one of goals of the season, and free-flowing football followed. Rafa Benitez had decided to give his defensive formation a rest: just the one holding midfielder, with the side’s most outstanding performer over the last six years in central midfield receiving the ball all of the time. What a concept!

So no beach balls were harmed this time around, although they did feature in the chant of the week, which went down surprisingly well with Sunderland boss Steve Bruce: “Head like a beach ball, he’s got a head like a beach ball...”

More from The Draw Specialist

Club Directory: Every team has a home
FFT.com: Features * News * Interviews * Home
Interact: Twitter * Facebook * Forums

The Draw Specialist : Tottenham

Premier Sketch: Coaches, pies and vomit

Soap bars and lasagne: the Premier Review