The Draw Specialist : Wolves

Premier Sketch: Dancing, drunks and pie & chips

Rob Carey — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 11:15:00 GMT

The race for the Premier League was blown well and truly open thanks to the performance of the week from Sunderland, who trounced current champions and league leaders Chelsea at Stamford Bridge.

Ghanaian striker Asamoah Gyan looks to be settling in nicely, scoring another goal – his fourth in three games. But his celebration makes Uruguayan Luis Suarez’s World Cup handball look like a humanitarian act, especially if Bolo Zenden tries to join in.

Nedum Onuoha started the rout with a spectacular solo effort silencing the home crowd – but let’s be honest, that’s fairly easy to do at Stamford Bridge: those strategically placed flags aren’t fooling anyone. And just to rub salt in the wounds, the Black Cats’ third and final goal was gifted to Danny Welbeck by celebrity divorcee and respected author Ashley Cole.

Another Ashley fared better at Villa Park, Mr Young scoring a penalty for Aston Villa against Manchester United. Have you ever noticed how a penalty can either be brilliant or rubbish depending on whether or not it hits the back of the net or not?

This wasn’t the greatest of penalties but it had Andy Townsend describing it as “emphatic”. Perhaps Andy breathed in too many fumes in his old Tactics Truck, because if Edwin van der Sar had moved to his right instead of his left, Townsend would have said it was an awful kick at a great height for a keeper.

Talking of penalties, Jermaine Jenas take a bow. Usually, Jermaine is one of those players who leaves fans scratching their heads when he is substituted – not because they can’t believe the manager has decided to bring him off, but because they had no idea he was on the field in the first place.

This weekend the Tottenham midfielder became the latest inductee into the Draw Specialist Hall Of Shame, winning a penalty against Blackburn with a dive resembling a drunk tripping over his own shoelaces. But thankfully justice was done when Roman Pavlyuchenko screwed his kick wide of the post. Don’t you just love it when that happens?

And finally, goal of the week was Bolton’s Johan Elmander turning Wolves defenders inside and out, pirouetting like a ballerina, invoking memories of Wanderers’ icon Frank Worthington’s wonder strike against Ipswich back in the days of muddy pitches, Elvis Presley hairstyles, and steak-and-chips pre-match meals. Elmander’s goal had almost everything: smooth ball control, silky moves and a cool finish. All it was missing was a crafty cigarette at half-time.

Prem sketch: Excuse him, he's from Pamplona

Rob Carey — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 12:37:00 GMT

Last weekend produced more surprises than most children get on Christmas morning, actually that’s not really saying a whole lot as nowadays as most teenagers already know they’re getting , an Xbox, a Wii and TV. that’s bigger than their parents’ car - that sort of thing.

Saturday’s early afternoon battle of the nouveau riche at The City of Manchester Stadium saw swashbuckling league leaders Chelsea lose their first league game of the season, and once again it was Carlos Tevez breaking the hearts of the travelling fans.

The surprises continued at Emirates Stadium, where West Bromwich Albion shocked Arsenal with a stunning 3-2 victory. When former Gunners’ keeper Jens Lehmann returned to Germany we all figured that the Arsenal goalmouth would lose it’s comedy value, but nothing could be further from the truth; now we have two keepers to keep us entertained in Fabianski and Almunia.

It was the latter, Manuel, who was living up his Fawlty Towers namesake yet again, gifting Albion with their second goal then flapping at their third. It’s strange to think that there was once a campaign to try and get this guy into the England squad…

The biggest surprise of the weekend, however, was at Molineux during Aston Villa’s visit to local neighbours Wolves. It wasn’t Gerard Houllier’s decision to finally take his seat on the Villa bench that raised everyone’s eyebrows but a sight rarer than the Pinta Island tortoise; Emile Heskey powering Villa’s winner past the helpless Wolves keeper Marcus Hahnemann, for his first league goal of the season.

Meanwhile, up at the Reebok stadium, another former Houllier pupil was snatching a point for Manchester United. Michael Owen came off the bench and saved the day with a late equalizer against Bolton. Alex Ferguson must surely be getting worried as his unconvincing defence conceded yet another two goals, with Rio Ferdinand still struggling to put a run of games together.

And talking of struggling, how about Newcastle United’s James Perch? Well it looks like the poor chap might just be out of his depth (no pun intended) in the Premier League. After picking up a yellow card in every appearance this season he earned himself a match ban. On the weekend, with his side drawing 1-1 with Stoke, Perch marked his comeback with a game winning header. Leaping like a salmon, he steered a cross into the back of his own net winning the game for the Potters.

On a positive note, he didn’t get himself booked…

And finally, no surprises at Anfield, Liverpool failed to beat Sunderland, and teenage referee Stuart Attwell found himself in the middle of all sorts of controversy.

Just over a year ago the same two teams witnessed one of the most bizarre goals ever seen in English football; the “Beach ball goal”, this one wasn’t in the same league as that but it was still bizarre.

Only Michael Turner knows whether he was playing the ball back to his keeper for him to take a freekick or punt the ball upfield. But what we do know is that we can be thankful that we’ve been spared a week of hearing analysts comment on Fernando Torres’ “lack of effort” and “poor body language”, as the Liverpool striker sprinted onto the backpass and played Dirk Kuyt in for a first time finish into the net, either that or the Dutchman was trying to trap the ball, it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes.

As you can imagine Sunderland manager wasn’t too pleased with Attwell’s decision to allow the goal; puffing out his chest as his face gradually turned purple, it was hard not to mistake him for, Charlie and the Chocolate factory’s Violet Beauregarde. It’s fair to say the beach ball is now dead and buried.

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Premier Sketch: Coaches, pies and vomit

Rob Carey — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 10:07:00 GMT

The new season brought us a few shocks but reigning champions Chelsea picked up just where they had left off with a 6-0 drubbing of newly-promoted West Brom. Blues striker Didier Drogba scored the first hat-trick of the season, his third goal taking the kind of deflection that teammate Frank Lampard would have been proud of.

Earlier this month Drogba announced that he has been struggling with an injury for over half a decade; perhaps that’s why he feels the need to take a five-minute kip during every game. As for Albion, their fans should probably wait a while before buying Premier league patches for their replica shirts.

Meanwhile at White Hart Lane, all eyes were on big spenders Manchester City to see how they fared in their opener away to Tottenham. But it was Spurs who looked more like top four contenders, with only City keeper Joe Hart’s heroics keeping the scoreline at 0-0.

In fact the only Manchester City player who scored this weekend was James Milner in Villa’s easy win against West Ham. City manager Roberto Mancini quashed rumours of unrest in the camp before the match, but admitted he does have problems with his coaches – saying that he didn’t have enough of them to transport all of his midfielders down to London.

The performance of the weekend must surely go to everyone’s relegation favourites Blackpool, who astonishingly took Wigan apart 4-0 at the DW Stadium. After Blackpool’s Alex Baptiste slotted home the Seasiders' fourth in the 75th minute, the home fans were so disgusted by their team's showing that half of them headed for the exits, while the other two decided to stay and finish off their pies.

GOAL OF THE WEEK
During Wolves’ 2-1 win over Stoke, David Jones pulled this beauty out of his locker; receiving a short free-kick, Jones chipped up the ball then belted it past Stoke’s helpless keeper Thomas Sorenson and in off the bar. Apparently the strike was so impressive that even Wolves manager Mick McCarthy’s eyebrows cracked a smile.

After drowning out the vuvuzelas during the World Cup with their constant complaints about the dreaded Jabulani football, goalkeepers all over the country welcomed the new Premier League Match ball. We’re told that its brightly coloured markings make it much easier for keepers to see the ball and judge its flight. Pepe Reina, Tim Howard, Manuel Almunia and Chris Kirkland, just wondering how it worked out for you?

CRAP KITS: Everton away
The new season always throws up its fair share of classic shirts but it’s the truly awful ones that stick in the memory, and this “lightning pink” Everton away kit looks like it might literally have been “thrown up”.

"FUTURE OF FOOTBALL"-WATCH
And finally, this season we’re keeping an eye on the three saviours of the English game; the youngsters who according to the “newspapers” should be picked alongside David Beckham in Capello’s international set-up.

During his side’s 1-1 draw at Anfield, Arsenal’s Jack Wilshere played for just over 45 minutes and executed a tackle on Inter Milan's Javier Mascherano that, had the roles been reversed, would have had given Arsene Wenger something to complain about for six months. The teenage Zidane was lucky to escape at least a caution: as ex-Everton defender and TV’s co-commentator Matt Jackson so brilliantly admitted, “I’ve seen worse tackles get yellows.”

The other English supermen-in-waiting, Kieran Gibbs and Everton’s Jack Rodwell, warmed their respective benches. No doubt they were saving themselves for the Euro qualifiers next month.

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