Premier Sketch: Seven-goal hauls, Carlo Raddishlotti & snoods

Rob Carey — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 12:21:00 GMT

Well it looks like Fergie owes Sam Allardyce another couple of bottles of red wine after his side went back to the top of the table with a shocking 7-1 win over Big Sam’s Blackburn.

Rovers will be cursing the icy conditions as they seem to be the one thing that makes Dimitar Berbatov break into a jog. The Bulgarian helped himself to a staggering five goals, keeping United fans off his back for another week or so and, according to Sky TV who invented football in the early 90’s, equalling the English record amount of goals in a game.

If Arsenal’s Ted Drake was alive today you can be sure he’d mention his seven-goal haul against Villa. As for Big Sam, well it looks like his rant about coaching Real Madrid might not be too far off the mark, Real’s similarly pathetic 5-0 defeat in Monday night’s El Clasico proved that the Rovers’ boss would fit in quite nicely.

Over in the posh part of London, just what are Chelsea playing at? After a 1-1 draw away to Newcastle, they’ve now gone three weeks without a league win.

Just a few weeks ago Carlo Ancelotti was being hailed by the tabloids as a managerial genius and one of the greatest coaches in Premier League history (there they go again) - now it’s only a matter of time before they give him the Graham Taylor treatment and start turning his name into a vegetable. Carlo Raddishlotti, anybody?

More comedy defending by the Blues lead to Newcastle’s opener with a mix up between Cech and Alex gifting Andy Carroll a simple tap in.

Plenty of contenders for goal of the week; Bolton duo Martin Petrov and Mark Davies score tremendous goals against Blackpool, but West Bromwich Albion’s Youssouf Mulumbu’s chipped (albeit deflected) effort finished off a wonderful flowing move and just about pushes out team mate Chris Brunt’s free kick (which is more than can be said for Everton keeper Tim Howard…).

It was a memorable game for the Albion substitute, who earned himself a second yellow card just minutes after picking up a first caution for celebrating his fabulous goal. Don’t those rules just make perfect sense? A yellow card for enjoying scoring a goal but a mouthful of verbals directed at the lineman gets completely ignored, very sensible.

Finally, you may have noticed that it’s starting to get a tiny bit chilly in Britain, but Jack Frost isn’t the only nasty thing creeping onto Premier League pitches these days, and just like the Blob there’s a real worry that it’s spreading and getting out of control.

First we had the tights, then came gloves and now the latest football craze that’s in danger of sweeping the nation, the Snood!

Parents beware, if your child adores Tevez, Nasri, Rooney, or even Craig Gordon be prepared to spend a little extra this Christmas to get the snood that matches the replica kit.

Rockets and roller-coasters

Rob Carey — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 08:58:00 GMT

We’re seven games into the season, so it’s about time people started asking if the title race is already over. After last week’s hiccup in Manchester, Chelsea continue their relentless march at the top of the table, Arsenal appear to be lightweight, and Manchester United, to put it politely, failed to leave their problems in the changing room.

The big clash at Stamford Bridge saw Chelsea’s Didier Drogba once again bully Arsenal into defeat, leaving Arsene Wenger's men seven points behind the league leaders. The Ivorian scored his usual goal against the Gunners to put his side one up but it was Blues defender Alex who stole the show with a second-half screamer. The ball was last spotted orbiting the Earth, trawling satellites with the goal net. As Alan Partridge once screamed, “He’s got a foot like a traction engine!!!!!”

Game of the weekend was at Anfield between the once mighty Blackpool and the once mighty Liverpool. Ian Holloway’s men took the game to the home side and get their just desserts coming away with all three points. Charlie Adam is looking very much a Premier League player and goalkeeper Michael Gilks is performing miracles.

The Tangerines, who played some fantastic football, are now proud owners of the best away record in the league, while the Reds find themselves in the bottom three with Fernando Torres looking at yet another lengthy spell on the sidelines. The Mersey derby is next and with both sides languishing in the bottom half it’s a real six-pointer.

Crap kits
Yikes! A double dose of awfulness in England’s second city this weekend; obviously Everton’s pink away strip tops the table of crimes against football fashion but Birmingham City’s home kit gives it a damn good run for its money. Last season’s effort, was rubbish but this year’s one has somehow managed to top it with a nod towards one of Roger Hargreaves’ characters, Mr. Bump.

Quote of the week
And finally a real beauty from Manchester City’s assistant manager Brian Kidd after Nigel De Jong’s shocking leg-breaker on Newcastle’s promising Hatem Ben Arfa: “Everybody knows Nigel and he is as honest as the day is long.” Xabi Alonso might disagree with you there, as he continues to pick out De Jong’s studs from his chest.

And Brian, please don’t add that he’s not that type of lad. “There was no malice in Nigel's challenge and Nigel is not that type of lad.” Aarghh!!! “He's the same in training and there's no malice in Nigel de Jong." He’s the same in training? No wonder City’s injury list is as long as Peter Crouch’s arm...

The Draw Specialist : alex

Premier Sketch: Seven-goal hauls, Carlo Raddishlotti & snoods

Rockets and roller-coasters