Up the Football League we go

Tale of two Shrimpers for the Bulls and the Bees

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:00:00 GMT

FFT.com's Gregg Davies on contrasting campaigns for Brentford and Hereford...

What a difference a year makes.

Saturday April 26 2008 will live long in the memory for Hereford United. And it can now also be recalled as a significant date for newly-crowned League Two champions Brentford.

Griffin Park was the setting for the Bulls’ 3-0 success on the penultimate weekend of last season, sealing an automatic passage to League One and a second promotion in three years.

But while the 1,500-strong travelling support danced around the west London playing surface, the home side’s boss Andy Scott was busy delivering a message of intent to his beaten Bees.

“I left the door open in our changing room so they could hear Hereford celebrating,” Scott said 12 months ago.

“I hate people celebrating on my patch. It is not good. I don’t want it to happen again. But I think we can reflect on their celebrations at some stage next season and it will trigger things in the mind that we want it to be us. We will use it to our advantage."

Use it to their advantage they did. And how.

Poetically, exactly one year on – last Saturday – it was Brentford’s turn to celebrate promotion, as 1,500 Bees fans went to Darlington to witness their side seal top spot in League Two.

Sharpshooter: Charlie MacDonald

Not the worst of starts to a managerial career for 36-year-old Scott, who only took over on a permanent basis in January 2008 after Terry Butcher left the club just four points above the relegation zone.

And having inspired the team to a mid-table finish with eight wins and three draws in his first 12 games in charge, the former Bees striker signed a five-year contract last summer and set about steering his side steadily up the fourth-tier standings.

The Londoners will now swap places with Hereford, following the Bulls’ immediate demotion back from whence they came.

And for both clubs, 2008/09 has proved a tale of two Southend strikers.

Brentford bagged their Shrimper, former Crawley and Gravesend talisman Charlie MacDonald hitting 16 league goals before succumbing to a shoulder injury.

However, Hereford missed out on their Southend target, Gary Hooper. Having guided the Bulls to promotion last year with 11 strikes in 19 outings on loan from Roots Hall, the former Grays marksman was pinched by Scunthorpe for £175,000.

The Bulls had no ‘Plan B’. And as they have struggled to find the back of the net in a new division – with just 42 goals scored in 45 games one of the key factors behind their demise – Hooper has helped himself to 30 in his first season with the Iron.

Brentford themselves have been the beneficiaries of loanees’ goals this campaign as their promotion push gathered pace.

With MacDonald out and fellow front-man Nathan Elder also sidelined, Ipswich starlet Billy Clarke arrived on cue to net five goals in seven appearances, including a brace in the title-winning triumph at Darlington.

And another Tractor Boy, Jordan Rhodes, ensured Scott’s side maintained their mid-season surge, arriving in January and adding another seven to the cause before he also pulled up lame, suffering metatarsal misery.

With a wealth of striking talent at his disposal in 2008/09, Scott will do well to hang on to as many of them as possible as he prepares the Bees for a return to League One.

Maybe then they will ensure they do not suffer the same fate as Hooper-less Hereford.

The one that got away: Gary Hooper

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Stunning strikes, keeper c**k-ups & a slaloming streaker

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:00:00 GMT

FFT.com's Gregg Davies casts an eye over the weekend just gone...

Kaka? £100 million? No no, we’ll have none of that poppycock in the Football League.

No need, when there’s the likes of Joe Ledley scoring peaches like this for Cardiff against fellow Championship promotion hopefuls Birmingham.

The sweetest of left-footed volleys from the Welshman – who's being linked with a £5m move to West Ham or Stoke this month – wasn't all that dissimilar to his Wembley wonder-strike which beat Barnsley in last season's FA Cup semi-final.

And like at Wembley, the goal would deservedly have been enough to secure victory for Dave Jones’ side had it not been for that pesky Lee Bowyer – on loan from the Hammers – cracking home an equaliser deep into added time at St. Andrews.

The romantics among us were saddened by the lack of a triumphant debut for new Derby manager Nigel Clough. Instead, QPR profited from two slapstick pieces of first-half defending at Pride Park.

Another new incumbent fared better at Carrow Road, where Norwich battered Barnsley. Canaries legend Bryan Gunn, the man overseeing affairs as caretaker manager, is clearly a natural at the half-time team-talk malarkey, what with his charges planting four into the Tykes’ onion bag after the break.

Gunn: Been there, done that

Saturday’s ‘Relieved Goalkeeper of the Day Award’ went to Bristol City’s Adriano Basso following the Robins’ 2-2 draw with Wolves at Ashton Gate.

After 54 minutes the ex-Woking stopper was desperately seeking a hole to leap into, having seen a fluffed kick end up in his own net via Matt Jarvis – and this after the Brazilian glove-man had completely missed Michael Kightly’s cross, with Neill Collins mopping up from close range.

But Basso redeemed himself admirably soon after, denying Sylvain Ebanks-Blake with a flying one-handed stop. And it proved the catalyst for City’s revival, as Dele Adebola and Nicky Maynard netted to rescue a point for last season’s play-off finalists.

League 1's finest comeback came at Carlisle (with a shout out to bottom side Crewe, who twice came from behind to beat Scunthorpe 3-2). Trailing 2-0 to second-placed MK Dons at half-time, the Cumbrians came out all guns blazing and triumphed 3-2 with Joe Anyinsah hogging the glory after his effort deflected up and over despairing Dons keeper Willy Gueret.

However, the division's remarkable result came at Edgar Street.

Second-bottom Hereford, the division's lowest scorers, had been battered 4-0 by Oldham at Boundary Park back in October in a performance described by the Bulls' manager, chairman, director of football and all round head honcho Graham Turner as “amongst the worst performances that I can remember in a long time."

So a whiff of revenge was in the air as his side rattled four past the Latics by half-time, adding a fifth for good measure after the break.

Edgar Street became the 91st of the current 92 league grounds graced by Oldham loanee Dean Windass, according to the wily old fella himself.

And although he won’t be keen to set foot on Hereford’s hallowed turf again, it won’t be one the soon-to-be-40-year-old forgets in a hurry.

That’s because of the portly streaker who galloped the full length of the pitch towards the end of proceedings, slaloming his way past a string of stewards before being brought down in front of the travelling Athletic fans, who finally had something to cheer about.

Edgar Street (portly invader not pictured)

Down in the basement division, Darlington also found the net four times in the opening half against Luton, eventually winning 5-1 to propel them in to the automatic promotion places.

At the other end, Grimsby would be propping up the Football League were it not for the points deductions dished out to Bournemouth and Luton.

Having won just two of their previous 23 league outings, Town traipsed to table-topping Wycombe, seven clear of the rest having tasted defeat just once all season.

So you know what’s coming: One-nil to the Mariners, courtesy of one swing of Nathan Jarman’s right boot as he connected first-time with a left-wing cross. Wallop!

But we end on a sour note (or an amusing one, depending whether you’re a Brentford fan).

Bees striker Nathan Elder returned to the starting line-up against Notts County on Saturday after serving a three-match ban for a sending off at Gillingham before Christmas.

His comeback lasted just eight minutes, being discharged again – perhaps rather harshly on closer inspection – for leading with his arm in an aerial challenge.

The referee who sent him off this time? Stuart Attwell. Yes, him.

Calling all fans! Rate your players' performances at the weekend by visiting Talentspotter

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Camera carnage, sextuplets and train travel trauma

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 11:00:00 GMT

FFT.com’s Gregg Davies casts his eye over a few of the ups and downs from the weekend’s Football League action…

I’d imagine it’s a tough old job being a sports photographer, particularly a football one.

There you are, sat on a little stool – or worse, just crouching – for 90 minutes, snuggled up to the advertising hoardings while competing with several other snappers to get the best shot in the following morning’s rags.

So you could appreciate the chagrin of one camera-wielder at Deepdale on Saturday, as Preston’s Richard Chaplow slid in to edge the hosts ahead against Barnsley.

As the former West Bromwich Albion man was coolly slotting the ball home, one photographer to the side of goal was still busy picking him/herself up off their backside.

Tykes defender Dennis Souza had been attempting to safely shepherd the ball out of play for a goal kick, but evidently wasn’t strong enough for Steven Gerrard lookalike and ex-Liverpool striker Neil Mellor, who promptly barged Souza into the oncoming barrier of snappers before smartly squaring the ball for his team-mate to convert.

"Blimey. I can see right up that woman's ..."

Hopefully he/she emerged unscathed and quickly hot-footed it to the opposite end of the ground, where both the afternoon’s other goals were scored as Preston triumphed 2-1.

Thankfully, there were no photographer-related incidents at Plymouth’s Home Park, where Paul Sturrock’s men did what few other teams this season have done (just three in fact) and take all three points off Cardiff.

Former Manchester City striker Emile Mpenza got among the goals for the second time in as many home games – he'd scored with his first touch after coming on as an injury-time substitute in the 2-2 draw with Charlton – to keep the Pilgrims within touching distance of the play-offs and further support manager Sturrock’s decision to bring in the journeyman striker having tracked him for most of his career.

Down a division to League 1 and at Bristol Rovers and Hereford referees continued to cover themselves in the brown stuff.

At the Memorial Stadium, FourFourTwo-sponsored – and managerless – Swindon were seconds away from a morale-boosting West Country derby win against the Pirates until Chris Lines popped up with a 20-yarder.

Naturally, what with this being a notoriously intense fixture between two sides whose stadiums are just 40 miles apart, Lines ran towards the delirious supporters, hugged one or two, and was then engulfed by his hyperactive team-mates.

Celebrations too far, though, for referee Keith Stroud – a man who’s clearly never scored a goal, let alone a last-minute one to rescue a point for his side – who promptly showed Lines his second yellow of the afternoon.

Stroud: "There'll be no celebrating goals while I'm in town..."

Refereeing grievances of a different kind took place at Hereford’s Edgar Street, as the Bulls failed to clamber out of the relegation zone with a 2-0 reverse against Northampton.

For the second time in as many games, having been blown up for the same offence in an FA Cup First Round replay at Dagenham & Redbridge four days earlier, the Bulls were penalised for offside... from a throw-in.

“I've never experienced that in my career and I've experienced it twice in five days now,” uttered perplexed Bulls skipper Karl Broadhurst.

"Officials have a hard job, everyone knows that. They are no one's friends. Players are taught to respect the officials. But sometimes they've got to be put under a bit of pressure because we've had two sets of officials in two games now which were awful.

"Today they were not as bad as Tuesday but Tuesday was ridiculous. The lads likened it to a PE teacher who didn't know the rules.”

The old adage about ‘luck deserting those down the bottom’ certainly rang true for Northampton’s second goal. Hereford full-back Richard Jackson attempted to smash the ball clear but only succeeded in directing it into skipper Broadhurst’s face, allowing Ryan Gilligan to net while Broadhurst was still counting his teeth.

It’s to Hereford’s FA Cup conquerors Dagenham & Redbridge where we go first in League 2, as for the third time in 2008 John Still’s side smacked in six goals at Victoria Road – or the London Borough of Barking & Dagenham Stadium, depending on your persuasion.

Incidentally, Chester were the other team to concede six in east London this year… twice!

Strevens: On target in all three of the Daggers' six-goal hauls

The Daggers escaped relegation straight back to the Conference by the skin of their teeth last season. But they are having no such worries so far this term as Notts County were sent back to Meadow Lane with their tails well and truly between their legs, just a week after they had a pleasant afternoon in London thrashing Barnet 4-0. Funny old game, etc.

Although County fans will, on reflection, have wished they hadn’t bothered travelling to Dagenham, at least they arrived in time for kick-off, something that couldn't be said for a desperately unlucky band of Bournemouth fans.

Gate figures tell us that 84 Cherries made it to Blundell Park to see their side come back from 3-1 down to dramatically draw 3-3 with Grimsby on a cold, miserable Friday night by the sea.

However, countless others missed the late drama – and the 89 minutes that had preceded it – after getting stranded in Doncaster with all train routes to Grimsby blocked by trees falling on the lines.

Comrades, we salute you!

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Messi's mate at Macclesfield & travel turmoil for Brighton

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:00:00 GMT

From the Hartlepool Mail to the Exeter Express & Echo, Up the Football League we go scribe Mike Holden rounds up the big stories being reported in the local newspapers of lower league clubs...

The big story coming out of the basement this week is the news that Macclesfield have signed Lionel Messi.

Oh no, hang on a minute, they haven’t. They’ve actually signed Lionel Messi’s mate, a defender who goes by the name of Joaquin Medinilla-Cabotti.

The Macclesfield Express reports that Medinilla-Cabotti (remember the name) is expected to get his first run-out in a behind-closed-doors friendly with Crewe, although they can’t actually supply us with any information about his age or pedigree at this moment.

"You've got yourselves one hell of a player there Macclesfield..."

In fact, we don’t actually know much about him other than the fact he’s top muckers with both Messi and Manchester City full-back Pablo Zabaleta, which at least goes to show us his versatility in appreciating both sides of Argentinean football.

Meanwhile, on the pitch, he has previously played alongside Esteban Cambiasso and Diego Milito, although we’re not quite sure how long ago.

A quick look at their profiles on Wikipedia (for some reason, Medinilla-Cabotti isn’t listed yet) tells us he’s probably 28 or 29 years old and hails from Buenos Aires but it’s unlikely that he’s appeared with either player in the last decade.

All of which begs the question: how on earth do we know all of this personal information before he’s even kicked a ball?

Either the Macclesfield Express boasts one very intrepid reporter and a massive budget for expenses or some random South American has been name-dropping a little too readily.

By the way, if Keith Alexander happens to be reading this, he might also be interested to know that there’s a midfield dynamo currently blogging on FourFourTwo.com who once played with Jonathan Macken and is quite good friends with Matty McNeil, the former casino croupier (now at Stockport) who helped keep the Silkmen out of the Conference a few years back and provided the assist for John Murphy’s equaliser at Stamford Bridge in the FA Cup.

Oh yeah, and he went to school with Darren Campbell, so he’s not short of pace either.

Elsewhere, The Argus is bleating on behalf of Micky Adams about a punishing pre-Christmas fixture schedule facing Brighton.

The Seagulls will clock up at least 3,000 miles in the next five weeks starting with Saturday’s trek to Carlisle, which will then be followed by an FA Cup replay at Hartlepool three days later and further trips to Oldham, Stockport and Tranmere.

And if that isn’t enough, success at Victoria Park next week will mean a second round clash at Leiston or Fleetwood, while their reward for progress in the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy (should they beat Swindon on Wednesday night) is another away game at Shrewsbury.

Adams: "Sh%t... I've forgotten my flippin' toothbrush"

Unfortunately for Adams, it also sounds like he blew a decent-sized hole in the travel budget by booking flights to this weekend’s game, even though he probably now realises the squad could walk to Cumbria and still take three points given the state Carlisle are in at the moment.

So that leaves the possibility of approximately 60 hours spent travelling by coach in the space of a month.

Now let’s see how quick the players squeal about turning out at the Withdean when they’ve completed that!

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The riches of lower league rags

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 11:00:00 GMT

From the Hartlepool Mail to the Exeter Express & Echo, Up the Football League we go scribe Mike Holden rounds up the big stories being reported in the local newspapers of lower league clubs...

The biggest scandal in the basement over the past seven days is the news that Chester striker Paul Taylor has tested positive for drug use.

The 21-year-old former Manchester City trainee was at the Deva Stadium on a six-month loan deal from Vauxhall Motors but now faces a lengthy ban from the game after providing a wrong ‘un to FA officials at the club’s training ground on October 6.

Taylor’s future with the Blues was already in doubt after he failed to board the coach to Gillingham a few weeks back, which was his third ‘no show’ of the season.

Brought your boots son? Taylor's gone AWOL again...

It’s always sad to see a young footballer go off the rails in this way with such a promising career ahead of him but it’s a situation that also presents a bit of a dilemma: do you try throw the book at the lad or try to show a bit of compassion and rehabilitate him?

I guess we’d all react in different ways, although managing director Bob Gray left us in no doubt about the club’s stance on the matter.

“We’ve given him more chances than a dog on a Monopoly board,” quipped Gray in an official statement to the Chester Chronicle, proving that no situation can ever be too delicate for a decent one-liner.

Reports that Frankie Boyle is set to take over as the club’s head of youth development are, as yet, unconfirmed.

Elsewhere, Morecambe goalkeeper Barry Roche was keen to explain in the Lancashire Evening Post how persistent hard work can pay dividends following his weekend penalty heroics against Aldershot.

Roche denied striker John Grant from 12 yards just before half-time, which proved to be the catalyst for a rare Shrimps victory, and he then revealed how the moment had been reward for all his graft behind closed doors.

“I watch videos of every penalty in this league on a Monday night," he said. "I’ve got a big list at home that I study. I knew Aldershot’s regular taker wasn’t in their line-up, so John Grant was taking the spot kicks.”

Bazza putting his Monday night homework to good use

And what exactly had he picked up about Grant’s technique?

“Well, I’d never seen Grant take a penalty, so it was pure guesswork. I got lucky I guess.”

Meanwhile, it was also a good weekend for the legend otherwise known as Peter Jackson.

The Lincoln boss still has unresolved contract issues with the Sincil Bank club but he appears to have struck upon a unique strategy for taking his undoubted managerial talent to the highest possible level.

It started with a surprise defeat at home to Port Vale on Saturday, ending an eight-match unbeaten run for the Imps.

Step aside Fergie... Man United here I come

He explained the secret to the Lincolnshire Echo only last week: “Look at Bondy [Kevin Bond], he gets sacked at Bournemouth and gets the assistant manager’s job at Tottenham. Terry Butcher gets sacked at Brentford and ends up being assistant manager for Scotland. So it just goes to prove how this division breeds good managers!”

Next up for Jacko is an FA Cup banana skin at Kettering, so he should be expecting a call from Sir Alex Ferguson any day soon.

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Championship sack race a marathon not a sprint

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 14:00:00 GMT

An out-of-pocket Mike Holden is dying for someone, anyone, to be given the heave-ho...

It’s nearly November, we’re a dozen games into the Championship season and still nobody has been sacked. What the hell is going on?

This isn’t what I had in mind when I started throwing a few hundred quid around on a handful of sack-race contenders at the start of the campaign. If I had any inkling I’d be waiting more than a couple of weeks, I wouldn’t have bothered.

The problem is, the longer this climate of managerial stability continues alongside the current economic climate of instability, the more I feel guilty.

Now I have become what Chinese gamblers refer to as a ‘gravedigger’ - somebody who tries to make a profit out of others’ misfortune.

I don’t want to be willing people out of work but the simple truth is I am.

FFT's Mike Holden can't wait much longer...

I thought it would be all over within a couple of weeks. Five straight defeats somewhere. Manager gets the bullet. I collect my winnings, and walk out of the bookies like it was any other race involving 24 runners.

But now it’s getting far too personal.

I find myself taking glee out of reports of fans getting restless, teams being booed off the field, rumours surfacing in the local press of dressing room unrest and gaffers starting to behave irrationally, blowing their top with referees because they are starting to feel the pressure.

Oh yes, you might well pour scorn, up there on your moral high ground, but I bet you still want to know who I’ve backed, don’t you?

Well, seeing as you ask so nicely, there’s any one of three managers I want out, which kind of makes me feel a little better, because in that respect it’s not personal, if you see where I’m coming from.

My first investment was Alan Pardew at 10/1. Not because I think Pardew is a bad manager – quite the opposite, I think he’s brilliant – but because there’s a really negative atmosphere around the Valley at the moment.

"I ain't going nowhere Holden..."

Unfortunately, it seems Charlton fans have picked up that common personality disorder known as acute impatience.

They have been spoilt by a decade of overachievement, so now they’re no longer prepared to play the long game and wait for Pardew to get it right, conveniently forgetting they were garbage for six years until Alan Curbishley suddenly struck upon the right formula one day in 1997.

Meanwhile, another manager who has become a target for the boo boys is Aidy Boothroyd at Watford, who I have also backed for the first eviction at 12/1.

To be honest, I don’t think Watford would dare sack Boothroyd because they suspect, quite rightly, that he is far better at working on a shoestring budget than any other manager they could attract from outside the club.

"£5?! Who am I supposed to bring in with that!?"

However, recent reports would indicate that Boothroyd himself is getting restless at Vicarage Road, with comments from chairman Graham Simpson leading us to believe he was jumping into bed with Elton John (metaphorically speaking, of course) in order to get the message out that he’s not happy with his lot.

However, if the Watford board have complete faith in Boothroyd’s managerial ability, that’s not necessarily the case with my third and final runner, Kevin Blackwell at Sheffield United. Although I must admit this bet was always going to be a long shot at 33/1.

That said, things might get interesting if Sunday’s defeat in the Steel City derby leads to a poor run of results, because the Bramall Lane board hardly went out on a limb to let the world know he was their undisputed number-one choice for the job midway through last season.

"Did you say 33/1? Hmm..."

Blackwell was given the job on a temporary trial basis during which he excelled, albeit at a time when it was difficult not to, coming in to clean up the mess left behind by the woeful Bryan Robson.

So like one of those ‘dead celebrity sweepstakes’ that have become all the rage nowadays, that’s my portfolio of shame.

Now will someone get a move on and pull the bloody trigger!

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Madeley unmasked as Huddersfield's head honcho

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 08:00:00 GMT

Mike Holden has sussed out who Huddersfield’s new chairman really is.

The man destined to take the Terriers into a bright new era might go by the name of Dean Hoyle but I can actually confirm he’s Richard Madeley, the bumbling TV presenter who makes up one-half of the Richard & Judy double act.

And how exactly have I managed to blow his cover? Well, it was easy really.

You only had to stop and think for a moment about his comments regarding manager Stan Ternent earlier this week to realise he couldn’t possibly be anyone else.

Those of you who are seasoned daytime TV viewers will be well aware of Madeley’s incompetence in a delicate situation.

I remember those moments well...

You would be sat there in your living room – perhaps innocently forgetting to attend a lecture on how to produce a serious, honest and well-balanced piece of journalism – when along comes a feature on This Morning about women whose lives have been ruined by husbands who were bigamists or kerb crawlers.

Instantly, you would always think to yourself: “Go on Richard, say the worst possible thing you could ever think to say to somebody in that situation!”

Not once did he ever disappoint.

"Can you find out how Town are getting on with that thing..."

Now it seems even Madeley (or Hoyle, as he insists on being called) has surpassed himself by likening under-fire Ternent to his nemesis and former Town legend Neil Warnock.

For those unschooled in the long-running feud between the two managers, it basically boils down to a sequence of events that started about a decade ago and culminated with a brawl at Bramall Lane in April 2001.

It’s a hostility that rankles Ternent so much he dedicated a fair chunk of his autobiography to the subject, the highlight of which documents when Warnock allegedly sent a spy to listen in on a half-time team-talk that Stan the Man was giving as Burnley boss.

As Ternent himself so eloquently puts it: “At half-time we were one goal down and as I was asking how much my players wanted it, I thought I heard a noise on the other side of an emergency door.

"I motioned for them to keep quiet and launched myself into a two-footed kung-fu kick against the door. It exploded outwards and I saw a figure scurry away.

"I then took one of my players to see the referee and heard a voice behind me say: 'Come off it Stan - you are always at it.'

"I turned to see Warnock's No.2 Kevin Blackwell and I shouted, 'Let's have it now.' I ran up, smacked him in the face and nutted him for good measure. He hit me back and my nose ruptured. I jumped on him and we fell to the floor shoving the door to the referee's room wide open.

"Stewards and United staff pounced on my back and eventually dragged me away. I'd given him a few cracks and a couple of follow-ups.

"I've had a friendly beer with Blackwell since, but I won't look Warnock in the face. I cannot abide the man."

"Come down Kevin, I know you're hiding up there..."

Anyway, that was then and, thankfully, their paths have rarely ever crossed since because while Warnock has been chasing the Premier League dream with Crystal Palace, Ternent has spent most of the last four years out of work.

But now he’s back and having a tough time of it.

As ever, he’s making plenty of enemies on his mission to show everyone who’s boss at the Galpharm but once again failing to get the good-cop, bad-cop balance quite right. Worst-nightmare-cop is how I believe the Huddersfield players refer to him.

Needless to say, the Terriers have won only four of their opening 13 matches and the fans have slowly been starting to get pretty miffed about it all.

So Madeley (sorry, Hoyle) has leapt to Ternent’s defence this week drawing comparisons with Warnock’s achievements 15 years ago when he turned things around at the club following a difficult start and eventually went on to win promotion.

One can only imagine what went through Ternent’s mind when he heard that, or what didn’t once you removed the expletives.

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Footwear farce at Ice Station Zebra

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 12:30:00 GMT

FFT.com's Gregg Davies suffers more away-day misery

Swindon fans think they’ve had it rough in recent weeks. The former Premier League outfit suffered their fifth consecutive home defeat last weekend – a result that leaves the FourFourTwo-sponsored side 19th in League 1, with the sighting of Ian Holloway watching from the stands sparking rumours aplenty that he’s poised to replace Maurice Malpas.

However, compared to some, Robins fans have got it easy.

For a start, they don’t have to go far to watch their team lose – they can be in their local pub dissecting the defeat within minutes of booing the team off. And Town still sit four points and five places above my rock-bottom rabble, Hereford.

Sunday brought the latest instalment of yours truly ambling about the country to watch the Bulls get beat, with Oldham the setting for United’s latest defeat on the road. That’s now six out of six this season. And Boundary Park’s a very long way away, particularly when you have to hitch a lift to Birmingham to get home because it’s Sunday and the trains aren’t allowed out to play.

"No, he can't come out, he's having a bath"

Like the fellow former top-flight members Swindon, the Latics must look back longingly at the time they rubbed shoulders with English football’s big hitters in the early-’90s. In Oldham’s case they twice came agonisingly close to an FA Cup final appearance at Manchester United’s expense, in 1990 and 1994.

But John Sheridan’s side are making a far better fist of attempting to climb another rung back up the league ladder this season. Useful on their travels – they defeated title favourites Leeds at Elland Road – they score goals for fun at home, with Hereford becoming the third team already this season to concede four in a game there.

Despite the fearful reputation of Boundary Park – dubbed ‘Ice Station Zebra’ for its brass monkey-bothering match-day temperatures – I benefited not only from the glorious sunshine on show but all the press hospitality you might expect from a well-run, family-orientated lower league outfit: one Oldham official requested my permission to go and polish off his pre-match cottage pie before dishing out the team-sheets.

"Can anyone smell burning?"

But with pleasantries exchanged and – more importantly – trousers on, following my eventful day out at Roots Hall, I sat back to endure what I feared might happen but hoped wouldn’t: the Bulls passing the ball around crisply but lacking bite in attack and cohesion at the back.

Seven goals from 10 league games tells its own story about the team’s present plight. It doesn’t help when the side’s top scorer, Ghanaian youngster Bradley Hudson-Odoi, has to be replaced after just 30 minutes because he’s ripped his boots and apparently hasn’t brought any back-ups to Boundary Park.

Asked later about the alleged footwear farce, Bulls boss Graham Turner would only utter a terse “No comment,” possibly saving up all his energy on the subject for the player himself.

"Sorry gaffer, thought you said 'Get a fork in boot'"

Still, Hereford’s ‘lucky seventh’ away game of the season takes place at Brighton & Hove Albion this Saturday.

United were also welded to the bottom the last time the two sides met in the league, but the year was 1997 and the teams met at Edgar Street level on points going into the final day of the season knowing that one of them had to fall through the trap-door into non-league football.

A 1-1 draw ensured it was Hereford who gave way on the goals-scored rule. And while Brighton regrouped and went on to scale the heights of the Championship, it took the Bulls nine years to haul themselves back into the Football League, flirting with financial ruin en route.

Regardless of league positions, this is one to savour for the more battle-hardened United fan and manager Graham Turner – still at the Hereford helm after suffering the ignominy of relegation 11 years ago. It’s a reunion that’s been a long time coming, and thankfully it’s taking place courtesy of the Bulls rescaling the divisions, rather than the Seagulls also plummeting south.

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Madcap Mad Dog relishing Cheltenham challenge

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 12:00:00 GMT

Mike Holden explains why he's a happy man now Martin Allen is back on the managerial map...

"There has yet to be a dull moment in the fortnight that has passed since Martin Allen took over as Cheltenham Town manager," reported the Gloucestershire Echo on Monday, without a trace of inevitability.

Meanwhile, the following day, chairman Paul Baker described the first couple of weeks of Allen’s tenure at Whaddon Road as "exciting and enlivening" before enquiring as to why so many reporters had turned up to a random Tuesday afternoon press conference.

For those of us who have followed Mad Dog’s career with a keen interest ever since he started taking his clothes off and jumping in stone-cold rivers as a means of motivating players before big matches, the world is a happier place once again.

Back in the game: Allen takes up the Whaddon Road hot-seat

Now we can look forward to an endless stream of yet more madcap man-management techniques and bizarre anecdotes or analogies in post-match interviews.

Anyone who harboured slight concerns that the eccentric side of Allen’s character might be suppressed following his sacking at Leicester didn’t need to worry for long.

In his first interview as Cheltenham boss, he treated one radio station to a potted history of his childhood, painting walls and sweeping stands at Whaddon Road when his late father was the manager of the Robins in the 1970s.

It was an account so wrapped up in nostalgia, you half-expected the station to start playing the second movement from Dvorak’s New World Symphony in the background – a tune which, I’m reliably informed, later became quite popular on an advert for Hovis bread.

Anyway, that was just for starters. He wasn’t even trying to be wacky in that instance.

No, the first real taste of Mad Dog came at the club’s training base in Swindon Village when he came up with the novel idea of a ‘speed dating’ session between the players and his backroom staff.

So everybody got a minute of intimacy in each other’s company to explain their roles within the club and ask the usual questions, like:

Which clubs have you played for in the past?

What on earth are we supposed to be doing?

Do you think we should take this seriously, he strikes me as a bit of a loon?

Jesus, what’s he like when he’s angry?

Anyway, apparently, it went down a storm.

“It was a good experience and I’m hoping to do this on a regular basis so there’s not a feeling of ‘them and us’ at the training ground,” said Allen, with a squad of 23 players and eight coaching staff nodding appreciatively in the background.

But then I guess that’s what makes Mad Dog such a special character because he can suggest pretty much anything in the world and his players, staff, even opponents will just go along with it because they’re never quite sure of the consequences when you say ‘No’.

"You don't want to see me when I'm angry..."

Part of me thinks Martin Allen is just a geek who doesn’t realise he has this reputation of being an absolute nutter. He just goes through life suggesting all these outlandish ideas, wondering how magnificent it is that the human race is so co-operative.

Then the other part of me thinks that one person – just once – got on the wrong side of him and the story is just so gruesome that people dare not relay the details for fear of what happens to a ‘grass’.

In which case, I didn’t just call him a geek.

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Respect will only go so far for refs and bosses

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 11:04:00 GMT

An impatient Mike Holden warns against giving too much respect to opponents... including officials

The FA’s ‘Respect’ campaign was going rather well until the weekend.

OK, so the Football League season might have been less than an hour old when the first coach was sent to the stands. And gaffers might be getting their marching orders at a pretty noticeable rate, while the majority of post-match press conferences do contain some reference to the dubious decisions of match officials.

But, generally speaking, I think some bridges have been built. For example, I have yet to come across a single insult directed at a referee. Nobody has yet been referred to as a clown, a comedian, a cheat, or anything else beginning with C.

Indeed, it seems Football League managers have undergone a bit of a metamorphosis. If last season beaten managers approached the media with all the honourable intentions of Bernard Manning, this term they appear to have become the real-life equivalent of John Thomson’s alter-ego Bernard Right-On.

Right-On: "My mother-in-law... she's lovely"

The campaign began without too much direct criticism of individual officials; any grievances aired tended to be in reference to standards in general. So “the referee had a nightmare” was being cleverly disguised within phrases like “it’s early days yet but we’d expect the standard of refereeing to improve as the season progresses.” Diplomacy was definitely the name of the game in those first few weeks.

Then, inevitably, results started to get a grip, people’s jobs were on the line and things started to get personal. But still managers were trying desperately to employ a more subtle tack, the preferred method being to patronise any official who was deemed to have cost them valuable points.

So what was once the customary post-match summary along the lines of “the referee was clueless, he completely lost control, he’s not good enough for this level...” had now become “the referee might want to look at his own performance and ask himself could he have done better. If he does, I think he’ll be disappointed.”

"R.E.S.P.E.C.T., find out what it means to me"

However, something tells me the floodgates are about to open. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that all this pretence is already festering beneath the skin of those men who have shown admirable restraint by their own standards so far.

For me, the incident at Vicarage Road on Saturday will provide the tipping point. Suddenly now the managers have a ready-made example of outstanding incompetence to call an end to the peace process. I can almost sense the relief as they watch the incident back on television and sigh: “Well, we gave it our best shot – but how can you possibly respect these idiots?”

Indeed, if I was a certain Irish bookmaker who increasingly likes to be referred to as ‘a certain Irish bookmaker’ on breaking news stories, I’d be taking bets on which manager is the first to utter the words "He’s no better than that muppet at Watford last week".

Because let’s not be under any illusions, the last few weeks have been killing these managers. They’ve been biting their tongues until they bleed, all under some misguided moral sense of duty because our Sunday league pitches have become a breeding ground for ASBOs.

"Fingers on lips, children"

Don’t get me wrong, I realise players have a duty as role models to kids and their behaviour on the pitch seriously needs to be improved. But let’s not gag the gaffers. I want hear them letting rip at every opportunity. Football just isn’t the same without the after-match inquest turning into a pantomime of anger-mismanagement.

So, presuming my suspicions are correct, the only question that remains to be answered is: who will break first? Which manager will be unable to contain his vitriol any longer? Well, fourth from bottom, only five points from seven games, and a tense local derby lurking on the horizon... my money’s definitely on Neil Warnock!

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No ticket, no trousers, no points...

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:30:00 GMT

A downbeat Gregg Davies recalls an eventful weekend watching his beloved Bulls...

Saturday meant Southend and a trip to report on the much-adored (well by me at least) Hereford as the quest continued for a first point on their League 1 travels.

It was my first visit to the snug surroundings of Roots Hall, and a welcome change to a similar trip little more than two years ago to watch the Bulls play, not the Shrimpers, but Conference outfit Canvey Island. Compared to that, third-tier status is veritable nosebleed territory.

Roots Hall: One of a dying breed of 'proper' grounds

All appeared fine and dandy en route to the seaside, with the added bonus of an entertaining taxi ride from train station to ground, as the Spurs-supporting cabbie mixed radio commentary on Liverpool-Man United with a verbal tongue-lashing on the transfers of Robbie Keane and, in particular, Dimitar Berbatov.

And, of course, how he would have conducted himself had he found himself in similar shoes considering that once upon a time he had been a “pretty decent footballer, I’ll have you know.”

But that chat was as enjoyable as my afternoon was going to get, as I soon discovered. Queuing for tickets to the press area, I was met with a peremptory “Davies? Never heard of you.” Ah.

Several phone calls and the flashing of an out-of-date press card later, I appeared to have convinced the Southend hierarchy that I wasn’t some chancer hoping to catch a League 1 basement encounter on a freebie. But having cleared the first hurdle, I went crashing into the second.

“Trouble is mate, you’re not allowed to wear jeans in the press box, it’s strictly trousers and shoes only.” Oh.

A faux pas on my part, admittedly, although I felt a little hard done by that my black-as-the-night jeans had failed to pass muster. That’ll learn me.

"You ain't coming in here wearing those..."

I wasn’t expecting what followed, though. “We can lend you some black trousers, if you’d like,” came the generous offer from the man I’d just met.

And in no time at all I found myself being led into a small, unoccupied room being asked to remove my trousers, whilst wondering just how often journalists turn up at Roots Hall donning the wrong type of leg-wear, and whether the Shrimpers have a cupboard specifically reserved for such occurrences, possibly named “Hacks’ Slacks”.

Still, I’m anything but ungrateful for Southend’s handling of the affair. Another club may well have just turned round and said: “You ain’t on the list, pal, so hop it.”

As for the game itself, following the difficulties I encountered just getting into the ground, defeat for the visitors seemed merely a foregone conclusion. And so it proved, Lee Barnard’s strike on the half-hour proving the difference between two unspectacular sides.

Barnard: On target

Southend’s struggles won’t last too long, with newly-acquired ‘experienced veteran’ Dougie Freedman likely to prove a handful for any League 1 defence, as high-flying Carlisle recently found out. In contrast, Hereford’s pleasing passing between the areas failed to work the goalkeeper enough – a recurring theme so far this season.

So, that’s four defeats out of four for the Bulls in front of your intrepid trouser-free reporter. And it’s a trip to Elland Road next. Should I have taken the hint yet?

A stink over Sturrock and a kicking from Claridge

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:00:00 GMT

A humbled Mike Holden reflects on a bad day at the office...

Ever had one of those days when you wished you'd never got out of bed?

I'm talking about the sort of day when two or three perturbing incidents happen in quick succession and suddenly you're scared to leave the house for fear of a bus careering towards you the moment you step out of the front door.

Well I had one of those days on Saturday.

It started when I switched on the computer and decided to take a little peak at my opening gambit on FourFourTwo.com to see whether my tongue-in-cheek character assassination of Paul Sturrock had generated any interest amongst other like-minded Football League followers.

Now you might think the phrases ‘tongue-in-cheek' and ‘character assassination' don't really go together - but I obviously thought it was a goer!

"Holden, you don't know what you're talking about"

You see, in my capacity as an obsessive and somewhat geeky gambler, I spend a disproportionate amount of time psychoanalysing the comments and remarks of Football League managers in order to gauge the mood within a dressing room ahead of forthcoming fixtures. And Luggy is one gaffer I find particularly fascinating.

Watch him on the television or listen to him on the radio and he'll come across as quite a likeable bloke. The Championship's answer to Victor Meldrew, if you like. But stick his comments into print and you'd think he was the devil's answer to Willi Railo. The sort of man who's ruined many a career with unfair vitriol.

Come to think of it, reading my inaugural blog again, it seems we do have quite a bit in common!

So the outrage that greeted my piece wasn't the best of starts to the weekend because, believe it or not, it wasn't actually the kind of response I was looking for. Indeed, it reminded me of my days growing up in Moss Side, Manchester.

NWA were all the rage at school back then and my homies would endearingly refer to each other by the N-part of that particular abbreviation. One day I threw it ever-so-casually into conversation myself and let's just say the response was a moment of similar horror... although at least now I can provide living proof to the old adage about sticks and stones!

"Holden, you don't know what you're talking about"

Anyway, that was only incident number one. Next up to stick the boot in was none other than Steve Claridge.

He was sat in the studio of SportsXchange TV, ready to provide his own expert analysis on the day's football, when I was called up by the station to offer my own tupp'orth on the Peterborough vs Bristol Rovers game that was about to kick off over on Sky Sports 1.

I made my case for backing Bristol Rovers at 11/4 by outlining many points, one of which being that I thought the Gasheads' recent familiarity with playing in front of the TV cameras might give them a slight edge over a Posh side relatively unaccustomed to such nationwide attention.

Instantly, I was shot down in flames by some bloke who's only ever played for Bournemouth, Weymouth, Crystal Palace, Aldershot, Cambridge, Luton, Birmingham, Leicester, Portsmouth, Wolves, Millwall, Brighton, Brentford, Wycombe, Gillingham, Bradford and Walsall.

He'd clearly never heard such nonsense in all his life and so he proceeded to enlighten the audience about what actually goes through a player's head in these situations, clearly not quite grasping the notion of a conscious and subconscious mind.

I've only been doing the gig on SportsXchange since the start of the season but already it seems I'm going to be constantly at loggerheads with ex-pros who scoff at the mere mention of psychology having any place in sport.

"Holden, you don't know what you're talking about"

Anyway, thanks to that particular disagreement, my 15-minute segment soon evaporated without me really getting the chance to make my other points in any great length, such as the fact there would be goals - and plenty of them - mainly because of a suicidal Posh defence, which also made Rickie Lambert an outstanding bet to score anytime at 11/4.

Suddenly, the result of the game had taken on a silly macho importance in my mind because I didn't want to lose face. I now needed Bristol Rovers to win, preferably with the commentary including several references about Peterborough looking nervy in front of the cameras.

Needless to say, the Pirates were 2-0 down inside 20 minutes and continued to ship another goal each time comical home defending allowed them back into the game.

Salvation arrived in the 85th minute when Lambert bagged the ninth and least important goal of the afternoon. Well, least important for some.

For me, the 26-year-old Scouser's stunning free-kick was divine intervention. The good Lord had clearly noticed I'd put up with enough for one morning and decided to scrap the joke where I lose nearly £500, instead returning my stake with a bit more besides in that very instant.

Well seeing as though you're doing requests, oh Lord, how about this weekend I have one of those Saturdays when I don't upset anyone and pick up a few grand for good behaviour?

Do you Paul Sturrock take thee Eka Basunga Mpenza...

Mike Holden and Gregg Davies — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Mike Holden casts his eye over Plymouth's new international signing...

If you thought Dimitar Berbatov’s move to Manchester United was protracted, get a load of this story about Emile Mpenza’s transfer to Plymouth Argyle.

Indeed, for those of you still grieving on behalf of Ramon Calderon and Peter Kenyon and their disappointment at missing out on Ronaldo and Robinho, this little tale should be enough to warm your cockles and put a smile back on your face. A happy ending if ever there was one.

Because Paul Sturrock isn’t so much an admirer of the former Belgian international as a lifelong stalker.

"There ain't nothing about Emile Mpenza I don't know"

Asked about how the transfer came about, Sturrock couldn’t resist spinning a good old yarn to convince the Home Park faithful about his shrewd eye for a player.

“When I was with Dundee United, I contemplated taking him from Mouscron when he was very young,” he said, hitting the close button on Wikipedia. Apparently, Sturrock’s pursuit of Mpenza would have gone back earlier but, understandably, he didn’t fancy his chances of pronouncing his first club KV Kortrijk.

OK, so that was 12 years ago. A Belgian young-footballer-of-the-year signing for Dundee United. Sounds feasible. But then he couldn’t resist taking this particular episode of Jackanory not just one, but two chapters further.

“I also thought about taking him to Southampton,” he continued, forgetting that his tenure at St Mary’s wasn’t long enough for him to move his Tartan Army Espana '82 and Mexico '86 pennants into the office.

But just wait for the icing on the cake... “and I was really tempted when I was with Sheffield Wednesday and he was in Germany.” OK, so let’s get this straight. The Owls were playing in the old third division while Mpenza was plying his trade for Hamburg in the Bundesliga? I’m not surprised you were tempted, Luggy.

Mpenza: Ready to take the Championship by storm

So what happened then? Did you custard pie the idea to chase a three-time Pichichi winner at Deportivo La Coruna instead?

Well, anyway, it does sound like a decent signing for the Pilgrims. And we have ourselves a manager and player joined in holy matrimony without a penny changing hands. And isn’t that what football should all be about?