Black Cats sporting director Lee Congerton has slammed the suggestion that new manager Dick Advocaat is simply an outmoded Dutch alcoholic beverage of around 20% ABV.
Sunderland sacked Gus Poyet after a humiliating 4-0 defeat against Aston Villa and turned to Advocaat, who has been widely regarded as a sensible choice.
However, at a press conference ahead of the new manager’s first test against West Ham, the mood turned sour as reporters began to question Advocaat’s credentials, both as a manager and as a mixer.
Head honcho Congerton became visibly frustrated when reporters suggested that Advocaat may be a sickly, creamy, custard-like alcoholic beverage and moved to quash the allegations.
“All this talk about our new manager being a blend of egg yolks, sugar, brandy, vanilla and a liberal dash of cream is pure tabloid talk,” Congerton told FourFourTwo.
“Obviously there are elements of truth in those reports, but I don’t see anyone talking about Advocaat being a disambiguation of the Scandinavian term for lawyer, probably because that doesn’t sell papers.
“Does he go nicely with lemonade or lime juice? I can’t answer that. Is he a viable aperitif? Again, I’ll leave that to you to decide. In the end results will tell.”
Advocaat’s CV is certainly a mixed one. Sunderland will have to hope they get the Advocaat who guided Rangers to two Scottish titles rather than the Advocaat that has repeatedly failed to gel with even the most basic of spirits, leaving a clotted, gloopy mess.
“Anyone who can achieve so much at Zenit [Saint-Petersburg], and to a lesser extent with cocoa [powder] and [whipped] cream, will bring a lot to Sunderland,” Congerton insisted.
“To be frank, I resent the suggestion that this club would entrust its fate to a seldom-seen eggnog variant consigned to the back of octogenarians' drinks cabinets without giving it thorough consideration. We’d no more do that than appoint a self-confessed fascist, or a man who might pay a visit to an opposition dressing room.”
Sunderland fans are expected to give Advocaat a warm reception, although the club have insisted he’s happier at room temperature. West Ham fans are believed to be working on a chant of “he’s just a poor man’s Coquito”.
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