Ask A Silly Question
FourFourTwo interviews football legends about life's endless comedy
Morning, Garth. If you wrestled, what would your ring name be? Ray Stubbs went for ‘The Stubbdogg’.
I’d go for ‘The Crooked Strangler’. My move would focus on the Adam’s apple. I’d grab their neck and finish them off.
Nasty! What’s the worst journey you’ve ever been on, Strangler?
I was stuck in the back of a car for two hours with Edwina Curry. We were going from London to Nottingham and the woman wouldn’t stop rabbiting on. God, the whittering. I can’t remember what she was banging on about, but I couldn’t get a word in edgeways. It was like being stuck with your mother-in-law.
Are you a fan of your near-namesake, Garth Brooks?
You know what? I am. We couldn’t really be more different, could we? He’s a six-foot-four, white Texan. I’m not a big country and western fan but he’s a very, very polished performer. Bob Wilson once spread a rumour that I was a terrific singer – he’d got us mixed up.
Have you got a good voice yourself?
Nah, I’m part of the 90 percent of the population who think they can sing but can’t. I had a famous night on the karaoke in Japan in 2002. The bartenders were my only friends that night… I was so out of tune.
Right: you’re in a hot air balloon with Lawro, Keown, Dixon and Peacock. You must throw one of your fellow Focus experts to their death to save the rest. Who goes?
God, I’d jump out myself. Not to save the others. I just couldn’t abide to be in that balloon; that lot blabbering on. they’re the only people I know more self-opinionated than me.
Who is your ‘fantasy uncle’?
Alex Ferguson. I’d get free season tickets, get into the boxes at the Champions League, hang around the Director’s Box, hear the gossip. He’s a dream uncle! He could come round at Christmas. I’d love it. Love it. Uncle Fergie!
If you lost your arms in an accident, would you learn to use a pen with your mouth or feet?
Feet. I’d go for the Daniel Day Lewis approach in My Left Foot. My feet are where my skills lie.
What’s the strangest dream you’ve ever had?
Seeing Arsenal lift the treble. That was actually a nightmare. I woke up in a cold sweat and all of a fluster.
What’s your favourite soup?
Onion soup. With a few croutons. I’m not a huge soup man, but I don’t mind a bit of onion if it’s on the menu. I had a bowl about a month ago.
What’s the drunkest you’ve seen Motty?
Ooh, there have been a few cases. I think probably coming back from an FA Cup final in Cardiff. To be honest with you, I don’t know who was the drunkest, him or me. I can’t remember much.
What makes you so angry that you throw stuff at the telly, The Crooked Strangler?
Reality TV, especially the music ones. What happened to bands treading the boards and being discovered by real fans? Bands like Spandau Ballet, Depeche Mode, Simply Red. I’m a relic, I know, but they developed themselves. Bad covers by boybands are at number one now. That Duffy is a proper band, though.
You’ve got a reputation for asking long questions, and for coming in at obscure angles with statements like: “They say an army marches on its stomach: how hungry are Arsenal?” Given this, the fact that you scored 48 goals for Spurs, and that 2008 is International Year of the Frog, do you like Scotch Eggs?
Ha! You know what, I don’t like them. I’m not sure why. I like sausage, and I like egg, but the format doesn’t work for me. Motty loves tomato soup, but hates tomatoes. What’s that all about?
No idea Garth. Cheers for chatting.
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