Ask A Silly Question
FourFourTwo interviews football legends about life's endless comedy
Morning, Teddy. Is it true that you still can’t grow sideburns?
Morning. It’s true, but it doesn’t bother me. It’s better than being really hairy and having to shave all the time.
Wouldn’t you like a massive pair of Elvis sidies for the day?
Well, my dad had massive burns, proper big ’70s one, when I was younger and they were great. It was the law back then.
What's the longest you’ve ever stayed awake?
All night, playing poker. You start at 2pm, the adrenaline kicks in, and suddenly it’s 9am and you have to go to training. That’s the reason I stopped playing.
Makes sense. Do you like board games, as well as poker? Buckaroo perhaps? Hungry Hippos?
I like Scrabble a lot. I’m pretty good. Countdown, too [mimics the clock].
More than Deal or No Deal, the footballer's favourite?
Deal or No Deal is shit.
Surely Noel Edmonds is a national treasure.
I’m not having it. Deal or No Deal is just people guessing, it’s rubbish. Countdown is pure skill. I’d like to give it a crack. I’m not bad at the maths, and I’m even quite good at the conundrum. Although you either see that straight away, or not at all. I could maybe take Carol Vorderman’s job.
Quite a thought. If you could play poker with one live, one dead and one fictional player, who would they be?
Bobby Moore. Daniel Negrana, the poker player. He reads people unbelievably. You’ll make a bet and he’ll say: “You’ve got 10 jack.” And Harry Potter, the Boy Wizard. I bet he could play. Me and Bobby would get a spanking.
What’s the best tinned fruit? The mandarin? The halved peach?
The best one is the fruit cocktail – a classic mixture. I had a tin just last night, with a drop of cream on top. Beautiful.
What brand of vaccum cleaner do you have at Chez Sheringham?
I can’t remember, my housework skills aren’t very good. I’ve got a cleaner for that. Name a few brands and I might remember.
Morphy Richards? A Henry? A Dyson…
That’s it, Dyson. The fancy one.
Bob Wilson claims they’re a show-off’s Hoover.
He’s right. Although it’s not like I park it in the drive for people to look at. But it’s there, if anyone’s interested.
What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been offered?
I can’t think of any for me, but the TV presenter Jonathan Wilkes told me he got some ridiculous advice when he was a young player. The coach advised him to be taller by the start of the next season. Nice one gaffer, I’ll see what I can do…
How long do you reckon the Queen has got left in the tank?
Oh, she’ll go on forever I reckon. I’ve met her and she was a lovely lady.
Do you not feel a bit sorry for Prince Charles?
He’s not that bothered, is he?
Are you in favour of cloning?
Why not. It’d be interesting to see another Teddy Sheringham. If they wanted to clone me, it’d be amazing to see what happened, and how people perceive me.
Would you not envy the other you?
Nah. They couldn’t know how my mind thinks, so I’d be unique.
There’s only one Teddy Sheringham. Cheers for chatting!
From the March 2009 issue of FourFourTwo. Teddy Sheringham was promoting Wrigley's Extra, the official chewing gum of the Premier League.
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