Ask A Silly Question
FourFourTwo interviews football legends about life's endless comedy
Good morning, Mr Gray...
Oh, Andy please.
OK Andy, what colour underpants are you wearing today?
Erm, they’re a pair of white pants.
They’re not, ahem, grey?
Right. And what’s in your pockets?
Just my wallet. What’s in my wallet? Just my credit cards and some cash.
How much cash exactly?
Erm, just a few hundred quid.
How much booze can you drink before you fall over?
Oh, quite a lot. The last time that happened was a while back when I was out in Spain with some pals. Straight over. No damage done, though.
When did you last do a yard of ale?
Ooh, not since I was a youngster. I got past the top bit and then it just explodes over you. Never again [laughs].
When did you last break the law?
Erm, last year.
Breaking and entering?
No, speeding. Actually no, it was for not paying my congestion charge - they got me for that.
They always do. What’s your favourite album?
[Umms and aahs for an eternity. We go and make some tea and he’s still at it] Umm... that’s really tricky.
Well, can you narrow it down?
I can’t narrow it down...
Can you at least try?
Well, I like Rod Stewart. And I’m taking my daughter to see Lostprophets soon.
Blimey, that’s diverse. Big fan of gloom rock, then?
Not particularly, no. It should be interesting, shall we say.
When did you last wear women’s clothes?
As a joke? Or properly?
Well, as a joke it was probably after a few drinks, just trying on a bra to see what it looks like. We’ve all done it, haven’t we?
It didn’t look good, as my mates were quick to point out.
What have you got pierced? Nose? Ear? The old chap?
No, no. No piercings. It just doesn’t appeal. I’m much too old for that kind of thing.
Have you got any tattoos?
No, I don’t agree with tattoos either.
Who wore the shortest shorts back in your day?
[Laughs] That would probably have been Trevor Steven. He always used to make his shorts even shorter by turning up the waistband.
To let the old lad breathe?
[Laughs] I’m not sure about that, but they were very short.
Back when you had hair, were those curls God-given?
No, sadly not, it was a perm [sighs]. I’d love to have that perm now, it would mean I actually had some hair.
Ever knocked another man out?
Knocked a man out? Probably not. I was once started on in a Dundee nightclub when I was playing up there. Four blokes against me. I took a few punches but managed to throw a few back before it was broken up. That was rare, though.
Who’s the better pundit, you or Garth Crooks?
Brave claim. Crooks is quite spectacular…
Maybe so, but you asked me if I was better and I am. I’m sure he’d say he’s better if you asked him.
I’m sure he would, and at great length. What’s for tea?
Ooh, I’m not sure. It’ll probably be fish, most likely salmon.
And where might you be off to when you put the phone down?
For a round of golf with Charlie Nicholas.
Champagne Charlie - marvellous. And finally, what’s the final word?
Interview: Nick Harper. From the February 2005 issue of FourFourTwo. Subscribe!
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