Ask A Silly Question
FourFourTwo interviews football legends about life's endless comedy
Terry Butcher answers surreal questions for FourFourTwo back in November 2005, and soon regrets it.
Hello Terry. FourFourTwo here...
Ever smashed a door with your head?
No, but I have with my elbows. I wouldn’t try it with my head – too painful.
How many doors have you kicked in?
How long’s a piece of string? It doesn’t hurt if you put your full force behind it. I always offer to pay afterwards, but they say it’s no bother.
Well, you’re a big lad...
That probably helps. I once put my foot through a wall at West Ham, only I went through all the way up to the top of my thigh and got stuck. It took me ages to get out. It was a bit embarrassing, really.
If you owned a butcher’s shop, what would you call it?
It would have to be ‘Butcher’s’, wouldn’t it?
‘Butcher’s Butcher’s’? Yeah, that works...
I was actually a butcher boy when I was at school, working weekends. I had to clean up the blood and gore. But I got free sausages!
Super. Cheese or chocolate?
Ooh, now that’s a good question.
Thanks. Didn’t do three years at Journalism School for nothing...
It certainly paid off. I like cheese... Dolcelatte.
Cheese it is, then?
Not so fast. I like cheese but I love chocolate.
What about a cheese-flavoured chocolate?
Don’t be silly. That wouldn’t work.
Right you are. Ever knocked a man out?
No... [thinking hard]... I don’t think so.
Ever been sick in a hedge?
No, I normally make it to a toilet.
Ever been sick on your shoes?
Er... er... No, I don’t think I have.
When did you last wear women’s clothes?
I’ve never worn women’s clothes!
Are you sure?
Women’s clothes? [Laughs] Absolutely not!
Can you dance?
Absolutely, providing I’ve got a bottle of wine inside me. I tend to dance like a geriatric. It’s an impressive sight.
I’ll bet. Could you drown a bag of puppies for money?
Drown puppies? No!
There’s £20 in it for you...
Absolutely not. I love puppies.
Do you love them enough to eat one barbecued?
[Sounding genuinely distraught] No, and if anybody offered me one I’d eat them.
Erm... When did you first break the law?
Let me think. I had my first drink when I was 15, so 1973. A pint of Carlsberg Special Brew.
Yeah, it was a bit feisty. I had two cans then went out and vomited on the beach.
What’s your favourite swearword?
[Thinking]... Good question again... I would probably say... T**t.
Good choice, Terry.
Actually, can I have ‘f***ing t**t’?
Super swearing. What was the first thing you ever shoplifted?
Probably a Mars bar. I was coming back from a school game and we stopped at a shop. There was nobody behind the counter so
I just thought I’d take it and go.
You didn’t think about leaving the cash on the counter?
I did for a minute, yes, but they say never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Have you ever seen a gift horse?
No. Maybe that’s why they say never.
Ever fancied Morris dancing?
I’ve never seen Morris dance [laughs].
Ah, we’re really cooking now, Tel!
Yes, we are. I’ve never fancied Morris dancing, though. I prefer that other English pastime of going down the pub and having a pint.
From a flagon? Don’t answer – the bottom of the page is coming. Any final words?
Er, well, it’s been different... Actually, I’ve just remembered, I was once sick in a hat.
Your own hat?
Yes, in my pork pie hat. We went on a school trip to France and I drank a bottle of rum...
Did you fill it to the brim?
Up to the brim and over. It didn’t hold much.
Did you put it back on?
Oh no, I had to throw it away.
Interview: Nick Harper. From the November 2005 issue of FourFourTwo. Subscribe!
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