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Ask A Silly Question

FourFourTwo interviews football legends about life's endless comedy

Terry Butcher

Terry Butcher

"I put my foot through a wall at West Ham, only I went through all the way up to the top of my thigh and got stuck. It was a bit embarrassing, really"

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Frank Leboeuf

"Cheese is for children. It's a poison"
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Andy Gray

"I just tried on a bra to see what it looks like. We've all done it, haven't we?"
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Alan Hansen

"Kenny Dalglish loves gadgets. I'm hopeless. I bought my son a Scalextric and Kenny had to come round and set it up because I couldn't do it"
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Roque Santa Cruz

"I like hotpot. I've had black pudding, too. Scotch eggs? I've not heard of this"
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John O'Shea

"I think I might stand a chance with Moira Stewart"
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Kevin Davies

"A hoverboard or a singing puppy? Who writes these questions?"
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Peter Crouch

"I dreamed about being a dwarf"
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Kasper Schmeichel

"I'm terrified of spiders, so I take a run up and jump on them. There's no surviving with 6ft 2in of goalkeeper on top of them"
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Ossie Ardiles

"I can't comment on whether Uruguayan women are better looking than Argentine ladies. Do you want to start a war in South America?"
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Lee Dixon

"Jamie Oliver talks a lot. You could stick an orange in his mouth to muffle him, then get him on the grill and season him with oil, salt and pepper"
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Craig Burley

"I'm into diving. Scuba diving, not muff diving"
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Brad Friedel

"I'd never sing karaoke. I have pretty much the worst voice in the world"
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Shaka Hislop

"I went to get my car fixed, and by the time I got out of the showroom I'd put a down payment on a convertible Maserati and a Mercedes"
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John Hartson

"The Beatles would beat me up..."
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Gary Lineker

"Peter Schmeichel would be tasty, like Danish bacon"
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Robert Earnshaw

"Yeah, I'd wear my crown around the house. Perhaps, on a special occasion, when the kids have gone to bed... you know..."
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Chris Waddle

"Gazza pinged this unbelievable cross-field ball and knocked the lad's St John's hat off"
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Neil Ruddock

"I always go commando, son - I like to be loose and full of juice"
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Charlie Nicholas

"Actually, I'm weirdly jealous of bald people"
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Jimmy Bullard

"Wash 'n' Go? I've got bags full of it, mate. The boys have never smelled so good"
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Andy Townsend

"Des said to me: 'In 20 years, Andy, everyone will have forgotten about that truck.'"
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Gustavo Poyet

"You can find a beautiful woman anywhere, but the average girl on the street is better in Montevideo..."
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Steve Claridge

"I rang Dean Windass and pretended to be interested in signing him. It went on for five minutes. I started to feel sorry for him."
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Mark Schwarzer

"I'd like a go at being Bugs Bunny. He was tremendous at outwitting everyone..."
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Adrian Chiles

"I wouldn’t resort to murder to further my career"
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Garth Crooks

"I was stuck in the back of a car for two hours with Edwina Curry... it was like being stuck with your mother-in-law."
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Marcus Hahnemann

"We loaded and loaded the M16s. Our fingers were bleeding"
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Peter Reid

"Where I was brought up, there wasn’t really much of a Morris dancing scene"
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Alan Ball

"I'm in bed. Wi' nowt on"
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Barry Fry

"I went in a wheelchair. I had a dressing gown on, a bandage round my head...but I’d leap up and start dancing."
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Bryan Robson

"I thought the alarm clock was an oncoming car. I punched it to bits"
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Luis Garcia

"What is a Scottish egg?"
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Sir Geoff Hurst

"Someone will say: 'It’s you isn’t it? Martin Peters!' That’s quite odd, I’m much more handsome..."
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John Barnes

"A petting zoo? What’s that? A Stan Collymore dogging thing?"
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Moritz Volz

"I had some dodgy prawns from this tapas restaurant. I seriously thought I was going to die. It was all going on, at both ends..."
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John Aldridge

"I couldn’t hit a granny, could I?..."
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Jim Rosenthal

"Mrs Rosenthal would never do that. She’s a lovely woman"
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Matt Le Tissier

"I signed some bloke’s forehead once. He couldn’t see it of course, so I just wrote what I wanted."
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Graham Taylor

"Margaret Thatcher sent me a note basically saying: "F**k off"
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Ray Parlour

"Glenn sent me to see Eileen Drewery.
 I sat in this seat, I couldn’t see her – I thought she was going 
to come out with no clothes on or something!"
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Ian Holloway

"I wish I was called Isambard. Isambard Kingdom Holloway, it’s got a ring..."
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Teddy Sheringham

"I’m not having it. Deal or No Deal is just people guessing, it’s rubbish. Countdown is pure skill. I’d like to give it a crack..."
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Bob Wilson

"I’d visit schools, and the kids would always think I was Bobby Charlton or Bobby Moore..."
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Nigel Reo-Coker
Nigel Reo-Coker