Moritz Volz: My Secret Vice

“The Hoff is my hero. He always has been. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that the Hoff isn’t just a person. He’s a state of mind, a kind of higher power. Hoff-ness is everywhere and he is the ultimate source of inspiration to me. In times of trouble I often ask myself, how would the Hoff deal with this situation…?

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had a bit of that Hoff spirit in me, and it’s still with me now. So much so, in fact, that I’ve dedicated a whole section to him on my website  – let’s face it, if it wasn’t for the Hoff section, who’d give a monkey’s about my site??!

I get loads of people sending me Hoff stuff to put up and I’m getting quite a collection now. But my favourite is the dancing MC Hammer-Hoff. Go and check it out – it always brings a smile to may face, no matter what mood I’m in.

Now, my Hoff-obsession is obviously rooted in the fact that I’m German. Hoff-worship is almost the law back in the Motherland, where he’s been huge for years. I’d love to say we saw the potential for great humour and irony, but if I’m honest, that isn’t the case at all.

I think we’re genuinely fascinated by him – his phenomenal singing, his great acting. But for some reason we’re the only country to have recognised this amazing talent! But then we’re also the country who holds the record for cherry-pip spitting and walking backwards, so what does that tell you??

Some people seem to almost criticise Germany for being ‘responsible’ for the Hoff. But to me, people should actually be grateful to Germany for keeping his career alive. Did you know that the Hoff is the most searched-for person on the Internet? What does that tell you?

He may only play light-heated roles, but the Hoff sees the bigger meaning in all of this. People laughed when he tried to claim that Baywatch had played a part in bringing peace to the world but I think he had a point. And I also understand why he was a bit miffed not to get any acknowledgement for his role in the reunification of Germany.

After all, it was his songs which provided the inspiration for it to happen – they became the theme tune as Germany became one again. Just listen to my favourite Hoff tune, I’m Lookin’ For Freedom, and you’ll see what I mean. That was actually the first piece of music I ever bought. It was on vinyl and everything. I was actually looking for it on the Internet the other day and stumbled across him singing some Christmas Carols in German – they went straight on the iPod.

Everyone knows the Hoff for Baywatch and Knight Rider, but if I had to choose between the two I’d have to go for Knight Rider. The leather jacket and jeans combo, the big bouffant hair – that’s real style. In fact, in that era he sometimes reminds me of Fulham’s goalkeeping coach, Dave Beasant, especially when you see old pics of Bess. But a greater compliment Bess couldn’t have.

To meet The Hoff would be the ultimate for me. I’d certainly speak in German though. Firstly I’d thank him for being there for us, and secondly, I’d apologise for the behaviour of the English tennis officials who allegedly threw him out of Wimbledon this summer. They said he was drunk, but I don’t believe that. He was simply having a good time.

I’m gutted that he’s no longer coming to Wimbledon Theatre this Christmas to do panto [The Hoff was scheduled to play Captain Hook in Peter Pan]. I thought it was my big chance to meet him – I was going to stalk him. Apparently he was too busy.

But that’s a good sign – it shows he’s back. And apparently he’s going to be in a TV ad for PIPEX, who happen to be Fulham’s sponsor – so I still have a good chance to get to him. One door closes but another opens and all that – if I keep believing, I know I’ll get to meet him one day.

His latest song is absolutely sensational. It’s called Get In My Car and is a real cracker. I’m humming it all the time and it totally underlines his talent. Some people might think it’s a bit harsh that he ends up chucking the girl out of the car, but he’s the Hoff. If he thinks that’s the right thing to do, then it obviously is. What impressed me most about the video is the fact that he’s still wearing a wife beater vest at his age. I’m going to have to get myself one now.

Kit, the Knight Rider car, is in the video too and it’s great to see them reunited. They work wonders together. Football is all about teamwork, but so is the Hoff and Kit – you can’t have one without the other.

I’ve always wanted a life-sized Hoff for my living room. I haven’t managed to get one yet, although I’ve heard there’s an ’80s theme bar in London which has one – I might have to see if I can slip it out without anyone knowing.

Something I have got coming to me, legally, is a pair of Nike boots with ‘Hoff’ and ‘2’ – my squad number – embroidered on them, so I’ll have the Hoff with me in the Premiership this season. A quick glance at that during a game could make all the difference. If the Hoff is on my boots, he’ll always be with me.

Just remember, readers, Don’t Hassel the Hoff.

Moritz’s Favourite Hoff Moments

1) The Berlin Wall appearance. 
With that performance he single-handedly reunited Germany.

2) His sidekick car, Kit What a car!
Where can I get one?

3) The Hoff’s Heroics
I got a buzz every time Mitch saved the life of a pretty swimmer.

4) The leather trousers
Only The Hoff could pull off such tight chaps!

5) Get In My Car 
What a way to return, it’s a killer track and one of the greatest videos ever.