Paul Gascoigne
Do your nuts still hurt from that lovely Vinnie Jones vice-grip?
Dan, via e-mail
When it happened I thought I’d lost my family allowance! Oh, it really hurt and he scared me. I was just a little 18-year-old and he was this huge bloke with muscles all over his body. But he actually made me realise how much skill I had because of the lengths he had to go to to stop me. Vinnie’s tactics worked that day because I didn’t play well, but I learned to deal with that sort of treatment. Funnily enough, when I later moved to London, Vinnie was the first guy to get in touch and invite me to stay at his house and go fishing and shooting. He even introduced me to his parents. We’ve been great friends ever since.
Sir Alex Ferguson reckons that in 1988 you told him you would go to Man United but then snubbed him for Spurs at the last minute. Do you regret not taking your chance to play for them?
Az, Manchester
I don’t regret not playing for Manchester United, but at the same time I have thought about that decision a lot. I told Sir Alex I was signing for United and that he should go away and enjoy his summer holiday. I drove to Old Trafford to put pen to paper, but I kept on driving in my car and eventually joined Tottenham. At the time I was only young and I looked to others for guidance. I had a great relationship with Chris Waddle, a Newcastle player who’d already moved to Tottenham and he told me to come and join him because he adored it down there. Then Terry Venables called me up and that impressed me. He promised he would get me in the England squad in three months, but it only took two. I enjoyed my time at Spurs, but I do look back and wonder what my life might have been like if I’d signed for United. I reckon Sir Alex Ferguson would have taken me by the balls – just like Vinnie.
Is it true that Bryan Robson once sold you a car – minus its engine – for a large sum of money, following a heavy night together on the brave juice?
Jason Holland, Wood Green
I bought a Lotus from him for £12,000. I absolutely loved it the moment I saw it. The problem was the starter motor didn’t work. It broke down while I was driving and I had to be rescued by an AA truck. I refused to get out of the car I loved it that much. I stayed in it when it was put on the back of the truck and all the way home. People sitting in traffic were looking at me, and you could see them thinking, What on earth is Gazza doing on the back of that truck?
What went through your mind as the referee showed you the yellow card in the World Cup semi against Germany? Did you consider killing that German who rolled around?
Pat Crooks, Daventry
I still don’t know whether I made contact with him. There were so many Germans diving and rolling all over the place. The World Cup was a special time. When I was a young kid playing at my youth club, every night I used to dream about playing football at the World Cup. I lived that dream in Italy, but when I was shown the yellow card I knew it had come to an end. When things are good and I can see they’re about to end I get scared, really scared. I couldn’t help but cry that night.
Who were the best players you played against in Serie A?
Ray Brock, Essex
Take your pick from Ruud Gullit, Marco van Basten, Frank Rijkaard, Paolo Maldini and Franco Baresi. And they all played in the same team! I remember playing them once and we went 1-0 up after 10 minutes. I thought, This is good, we should be alright here. I didn’t get another touch of the ball for 80 minutes and we lost 5-1. We were demolished. That team was frightening.
Whose idea was it to do pretend to play the flute after you scored that goal for Rangers? I bet it was Coisty’s!
Gary, Glasgow
No, I’m not revealing who it was, but of course ultimately it was my decision to do it out on the pitch. They told me to do the Sash [an anti-Catholic song], but I didn’t know what it meant. The first time I did the flute thing, I got lots of threats, so I thought I’m not doing that again. But then in a game against Celtic, their fans were giving me so much abuse for 80 minutes that I decided to do it again, and I got a death threat afterwards! It’s unbelievable that one guy can upset 60,000 fans, but since then I’ve been treated well by Celtic fans. I’m not a malicious man, I have nothing against Celtic and I regret doing it because of what the Sash means.
Who drank the most in the dentist’s chair before Euro 96? Did Terry Venables have a go?
Johnny Franks, via e-mail
I only went in for a filling and I came out drunk – it must have been some anaesthetic! We got a lot of stick for that, but let me tell you what happened. I decided I’d be the first one in the chair because it looked like a good laugh, then a few of the other lads did it and that inspired a good team spirit among us at Euro 96. Get the video tapes of that tournament and you’ll see how successful the dentist chair was!
When did you plan the celebration you used when you scored that goal against Scotland at Euro 96?
Craig, via e-mail
On the coach to Wembley I told the lads we should do the dentist chair celebration. I timed that goal so well. I could see Colin Hendry coming in, so I flicked it over his head and volleyed it. You can’t teach kids that, it was pure instinct. I trained with Andy Goram every day, so I knew how to beat him. I knew I had to get over the ball and hit it low. [Almost shivers with excitement] God, the feeling when I scored was magnificent! It’s all coming back now. I’m so glad I scored that goal.
In the Euro 96 semi against Germany it looked like you could have reached that ball near the end with the empty goal in front of you. What happened?
Anthony Lax, via e-mail
If I was Gary Lineker or Alan Shearer I would have scored because their instinct is to go straight towards the ball. It’s their job to sniff out the chances. If you watch, when the ball comes across I thought the goalkeeper was going get a touch, which would have meant that if I’d gone for it, the ball would have gone behind me and I would have looked stupid. Instead, I missed it by an inch. Who knows what would have happened if I’d scored? We’d definitely have won that match. I’ve watched many games I have played in, but never that one. It’s just too painful.
Burping into the mike, comedy breasts, you’ve had more than your fair share of funny moments. Which is your favourite and why?
Sam Manktelow, West Sussex
Oh, the burping into the mike was daft, wasn’t it? My favourite was probably when I was playing for Rangers. The referee was jogging backwards and I said to a couple of my team-mates, “Watch this lads.” I bent down and left my leg out as if I was tying my laces and the referee fell over my leg. I winked at the players and we all had a good laugh.
Do you ever look back on your career and think that you wasted your talent?
Adam Brown, Exeter
Wasted my talent! I’m not having him say that! Where does he want me to start? I went from Newcastle to Spurs for £2.2 million, the highest anyone had ever paid for a player in Britain, then at Spurs I won the FA Cup before being sold to Lazio for the highest amount a foreign team had ever paid for a British player. Obviously things didn’t go too well in Italy as I broke my legs and my cheekbone, but when I went to Rangers, again it was the highest transfer fee they’d ever paid for a player. At Ibrox, I won five medals, I scored a hat-trick to win the league and I was Scottish Footballer of the Year. I went to Middlesbrough for the most they’d ever paid for a player. I went there to win promotion and we did that. And I didn’t do too badly for England either, winning 57 caps and playing in the World Cup and European Championships. I was also voted into England’s all-time greatest 11. By the sounds of that I had a really bad career, didn’t I?