Ruud van Nistelrooy

It’s a cold, grey February afternoon at Old Trafford, the kind of day when anyone with any sense would be at home with the curtains drawn. Long after his team-mates have departed, the only United star left on the scene is Ruud van Nistelrooy, waiting patiently to face his FourFourTwo grilling. Attempting to make a good early impression, FFT congratulates him on his recent promotion to vice-captain of the team, a move brought about by Roy Keane’s abrupt departure.

“Thank you,” he says, before breaking out into almost child-like glee. “Gary Neville is the real leader of United, but to skipper the side in his absence was absolutely fantastic. Each time I was given the armband before the match, it came in a velvet bag, and I had to remove it myself. The only disappointment was that I didn’t get to keep it, because our kit man is very superstitious and always insists on taking it back. But that’s OK, I don’t want to jinx him, and I hope I’ll get to keep it once the season is over.”

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Nick Moore

Nick Moore is a freelance journalist based on the Isle of Skye, Scotland. He wrote his first FourFourTwo feature in 2001 about Gerard Houllier's cup-treble-winning Liverpool side, and has continued to ink his witty words for the mag ever since. Nick has produced FFT's 'Ask A Silly Question' interview for 16 years, once getting Peter Crouch to confess that he dreams about being a dwarf.