On Friday afternoon, at 3pm UK time (or whenever the various montages are over), the draw for the 2018 World Cup Finals will take place in a glitzy ceremony beamed live to the world from Moscow's Kremlin.
This is a very good thing, since it means we’ll finally find out who plays who, where and when next summer. Sadly, to find that out we’ll first have to sit through nine hours of FIFA-endorsed preamble that will no doubt involve a topless Vladimir Putin wrestling a bear, Pele attempting to sell us something we don’t want and a load of adorable little children doing a strange Russian dance.
When did it all get so pompously overblown? To understand that, we must rewind back to the beginning. Or at least, back to 1966…
1966, England
In 1966, the Royal Garden Hotel in fashionable Kensington played host to the first ever televised World Cup final draw. And what a show they put on. Behind a small desk on a small stage, a collection of important old men in blazers gathered to determine the fate of the 16 qualified teams – the finals were also small back then.
Before proceedings could begin, Brazil's representative returned the Jules Rimet trophy they'd won in Chile in 1962, safe in the knowledge that another victory on English soil would allow them to keep the trophy for ever – or at least until it was stolen again. And then, without much by way of fanfare or filler, the ceremony began.
FIFA bigwig, the Englishman Sir Stanley Rous, played compere for the evening, and before you knew it the four groups were drawn. England were pulled out alongside Uruguay, Mexico and France, and your grandad was very quietly confident. Rightly so, it turned out…
1974, West Germany
Eight years later, by 1974, the world was a very different place. It was all colour for starters, and the World Cup draw had become a more professional affair.
For Germany's hosting that year, the organisers invested in bigger desks that fitted their special episode of Blankety Blank, and roped in an 11-year-old member of Berlin's Schöneberger Sängerknaben boys' choir to pull balls from the bags – presumably because The Hoff was unavailable.
But if the organisers were hoping an innocent choirboy would avoid any controversy, they were wrong: in a stroke of spectacular political insensitivity, he dropped East and West Germany in the same pot.
Of course, England hadn't even made it to Germany, having been thwarted by a Polish clown in qualifying. Even so, we still expected to win it.
1982, Spain
By 1982, the World Cup draw had evolved still further. The ceremony for España '82 was something like a United Nations General Assembly, though officially the vibe had been modelled on Spain's national lottery. This meant a heavy emphasis on wood and flags, which looked very sleek and professional – but the draw itself was a shambles from start to finish.
First, the revolving drum broke. Then the balls of Scotland and Belgium were extracted too soon, while those of Chile and Peru contained no names.
Eventually, more by luck than judgement, they got the job done. England were pulled out in Group 4 with France, Czechoslovakia and Kuwait. It was a draw that had England's super fan ‘mascot’ Ken Bailey flicking a V for Victory! And he wasn't the only one. This time, the nation assumed, they'll get it right.
1994, USA
Hosted in the centre of hell, or what is officially down as the Las Vegas Convention Center, the 1994 World Cup draw was proof that bigger is not always better.
After the innocence and incompetence of previous draw ceremonies, FIFA had by now realised that there was money to be made from beaming their business to a global audience of 500 million. So, the World Cup 1994 draw ran and ran, and is possibly still running now.
It starred an eclectic roster of talent that included James Brown, Bill Clinton, Willie Nelson and Stevie Wonder, plus Robin Williams pulling balls while wearing a single white surgical glove and referring to Sepp Blatter as, quite hilariously, 'Mr Bladder'.
It was so much worse than you can imagine and served only to remind Englanders that no, we could not knock it, and no, we wouldn’t be watching our boys on TV in the middle of the night that summer. Well, almost all Englanders: Roy Hodgson ended up taking Switzerland to the last 16 after six consecutive failures to qualify since 1970.
2002, Japan & Korea
By 2002, the World Cup draw ceremony had grown to resemble the Oscars, with the same mix of tedium and pomposity but a much less entertaining host.
The draw for the 2002 World Cup was as long winded as expected, with several hours of ball bothering interspersed by a performance of the official 2002 World Cup anthem Boom by Anastacia. The best part was the chorus, written and performed by Sven-Goran Eriksson: “Boom, Here to rock ya. Boom, Never stop, no. Boom, Raise up high. Boom, Oh I'm... Boom Boom Boom Boom.”
Maybe we just imagined that as we drifted off into light tedium-induced unconsciousness. We were soon jolted back to life when Pele, dressed as a Geisha, pulled England's hot ball from Pot 2 and dropped us in with Argentina, Nigeria and Sweden. Nightmare! All of it! From start to finish!
2006, Germany
Perhaps aware that the previous instalment had been as long and drawn out as a Sepp Blatter lunch on expenses, the German creatives behind the 2006 fiesta put entertainment front and centre. Which meant the venue was inside a spaceship on the moon and starred a galaxy of faded superstars being paid to smile. Yes, Lothar Matthaus! Yes, Roger Milla! And yes, obvs Pele!
It also meant sexy hosts in their underwear and soft-rock Euro hair. And it meant we got to know the official FIFA 2006 World Cup™ ball (Teamgeist™) and mascot (Goleo™) a little better. The former was a really, really round ball; the latter a giant talking lion in a Germany shirt™, though no one explained why he wasn't wearing any trousers.
By the end, as tradition dictates, we had our eight groups of four, with England in Group B alongside Paraguay, Trinidad & Tobago and Sweden again. Semi-finals bare minimum, you had to think.
2010, South Africa
Remember when, not that long ago, the World Cup draw was pretty much just that: the drawing of some balls to determine who would play who in the World Cup finals? Nah, us neither.
At the Cape Town International Convention Centre in late 2009, the draw was part political broadcast; part hard sell for the new adidas official World Cup football, the even rounder Jabulani™.
It all occurred under the watchful gaze of star turn Nelson Mandela™, beamed in by live TV link-up from somewhere else, David Beckham™ and an assortment of celebrity others engaged in what seemed like days of stilted small talk before dragging and dropping 32 balls into eight groups of four.
This time, England found themselves alongside the USA, Algeria and Slovenia in a group that was dull but clearly there for the taking, so everyone switched off tired but happy. Not even England could balls that one up.
2014, Brazil
Brazil being Brazil, the ceremonial draw for the 2014 World Cup was a predictably colourful affair; a celebration of a great and vast nation through the medium of song, samba, loud drums and Pele. Obviously Pele.
Of course, it was a bloated and tediously drawn-out affair, but credit to the Brazilian creatives who compile a Who's Who of world football for the ball-pulling business: Fabio Cannavaro, Lothar Matthaus, Zinedine Zidane, Fernando Hierro, Mario Kempes, Geoff Hurst and Cafu took to the stage – alongside Alcides Ghiggia of Uruguay, it says here.
Oddly, though, on a day of celebration, Sepp Blatter seemed distracted, pensive, like a man about to have his collar felt or something.
Still, 17 hours after it began, we had what we came for: 32 teams in eight groups or four. This time, England were facing Italy, Uruguay and Costa Rica. And this time there was really no point pretending.
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