Please note: Other teams have had similar treatment, so no, we aren't just picking on you. Oh, and the below doesn't necessarily represent the views of FourFourTwo. Enjoy...
1. The lack of class
Chelsea are the footballing equivalent of that bloke who won the lottery and spent it on a quad bike track in his garden
I prefer my rooms elephant-free, so let’s get this one out of the way early: Chelsea bought their success. The sheer obviousness of this statement makes it far too easy a target, and means any critic is open to accusations of jealousy. The way I see it, someone’s got to win this stuff – and if it isn’t my team, I don’t particularly care who does.
No, it’s the fact they're terrible winners – and even worse losers – that really grates. This is a club with about as much grace as Ed Balls on Strictly Come Dancing – and even he had the, erm, balls, to smile and thank everyone for their support when he got voted off.
Chelsea are classless; the footballing equivalent of that bloke who won the lottery and spent it on a quad bike track in his garden, a load of prostitutes and enough drugs to kill a horse. Talking of horses…
2. Jose Mourinho
Mourinho's insufferable the-world’s-out-to-get-me-why-am-I-so-hard-done-by brand of paranoia became theirs
"The title race is between two horses and a little horse that needs milk and needs to learn how to jump. Maybe next season we can race."
An actual thing the manager of a club that spent more than £100m on transfers that year actually said.
Yes, he’s gone, but his influence was at its greatest just as Chelsea were recalibrating into their new guise of one of the richest clubs in the world. So much of Mourinho's DNA got spliced into theirs; as such, his insufferable the-world’s-out-to-get-me-why-am-I-so-hard-done-by brand of paranoia became theirs. They’ve never shaken it.
3. Carneiro-gate
Happily, it proved the catalyst for Chelsea’s worst season since they came into money (or, for many of their newly-acquired fans, their worst season ever)
To paraphrase James Brown, football is a man’s world, and so it should be applauded when women reach the pinnacle of it. That’s why – whether you love her or loathe her – Karren Brady being vice-chairman of West Ham is a good thing.
The same goes for Eva Carneiro, Chelsea’s first-team doctor of six years, and someone who was punished for simply doing her job instead of embarking on a bit of very Chelsea gamesmanship. The entire thing was shameful, from innocuous start to litigious finish. Happily, it proved the catalyst for Chelsea’s worst season since they came into money (or, for many of their newly acquired fans, their worst season ever) and Mourinho’s departure for the second time.
4. John Terry
Obviously.
5. Diego Costa
I quite like Diego Costa. The guy’s a total wind-up merchant – one of those ‘a bastard, but our bastard’ kind of players. Diego Costa is an utter bastard. But he’s theirs.
Bastards.
6. 'London's first club'
Chelsea are definitely not the capital's first football club – no matter how big the flag incorporating those words is
If you’ve ever been to London, chances are you’ll have been to London’s Oldest Pub. I live here, and I’ve been to about seven. The problem, you see, is that at least six of these must be lying, or at best telling alternative facts. They're able to do this because the distinct lack of Google pre-1998 makes it quite hard to prove one way or another. In short: no one really knows the identity of London’s Oldest Pub.
What we do know, however, is that Chelsea are definitely not the capital's first football club – no matter how big the flag incorporating those words is.
A caveat: their flag has baffled for some time, being so obviously false as it is. Upon querying it, I was told it actually refers to Chelsea being the first London club to win the Champions League. Right. That’s like a pub that opened in 1970 splashing ‘LONDON’S FIRST PUB’ across its frontage in three-foot high letters, then adding ‘…to win CAMRA’s Pub of the Year’ in a hand-written sign in the window. It’s intentionally misleading.
7. Ref rage
No mid-noughties Chelsea football match was complete without at least four Blues buffeting a referee who'd dared give a decision against them.
Whether it was Ashley Cole, John Terry or Didier Drogba bawling obscenities till blue in the face, or Michael Ballack sticking to within two inches of the man in the middle while he hared halfway down a pitch (in fairness, he was right to be annoyed – but how we all laughed), Chelsea happily played the role of big-boy bullies from whence Jose came to town.
8. Heaters
The worst ‘til last. No, it’s not their shameless abuse of the loan system, nor the fact they’re from the posh side of town – it’s their electric heaters positioned above the stands.
I appreciate this is one of those things that no logical non-match-goer would argue against. But football isn’t about logic – it’s about everything but. If football was about logic, no one would support Stoke – there’d be no way to prove you could do it on a cold, wet Tuesday night in the Potteries and the world of football clichés would be a much weaker place.
The thing is, I can’t explain what’s so bad about these heaters. In football, some things just are: Arsenal finishing fourth; Andy Carroll getting injured; Paul Merson mispronouncing someone’s name on Soccer Saturday. These things are so fundamental to the game, they need not be questioned nor explained.
And these heaters are s***. They’re ridiculous. They’re just so very… Chelsea.
