A source at the Football Association has revealed that Sam Allardyce wowed executives at interview by promising a ‘new kind of murky disgrace’ for the national team, but few expected him to deliver it so quickly and emphatically.
Allardyce was the unanimous choice to replace Roy Hodgson after England’s disastrous Euro 2016 campaign, aided by the fact that the other leading candidates were Allardyce in a shoddy disguise, a man who claimed he had led Accrington to the Champions League on Football Manager but was unable to locate the saved game on his laptop, and Steve Bruce.
On the day of his interview with FA officials, Allardyce unveiled a slick PowerPoint presentation promising to take England to ‘startling new depths’, but after an ominous scrappy victory over Slovakia there were fears it would be a very similar pattern to past national bosses, ending in standard indignity at World Cup 2018.
“Sam promised he would humiliate us in new, visionary ways. He told us we shouldn’t be settling for second round or even group stage exits – we could sink so much lower,” a source at the FA told FourFourTwo.
“After the win against Slovakia we all still believed in him but just thought he may need some time to stamp his authority within the England set-up. It’s fair to say that he’s made his mark now – a grubby stain that will take some time to wipe off.
“It takes someone truly special to make Roy Hodgson’s reign look like a glorious one, but Sam managed it.”
Long-term targets
Allardyce walks away from the England post with the honour of being the national team’s most successful ever manager, boasting a 100% win rate and a pocketful of FA stationary.
The FA, meanwhile, have put Gareth Southgate in temporary charge despite his relative inexperience at causing disgrace on the biggest stage.
“Glenn Hoddle is the obvious choice in the long term,” our FA source told FourFourTwo.
“People say he’s been out of the game for a decade, but that’s a decade to create some more sumptuous material about how evil disabled people are.
“We really feel that with the foundations Sam’s put in place, Glenn is the only man who can make England even more irrelevant and tarnished in the eyes of the football world.”
The bookies are currently listing Southgate as the favourite to take the England role permanently, with a partnership of Hoddle, Terry Venables, Harry Redknapp and Nigel Farage the next-most likely option.
Please note: This news story is not real. Obviously.
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