Allardyce scandalised by Klopp's fruity language

Sam Allardyce has declared himself “shocked and appalled” by Jurgen Klopp's ungentlemanly language during the Merseyside derby this weekend.

Everton manager Allardyce, who has long stood out in the hyper-masculine world of the Premier League as a beacon of bashful sensitivity, was reportedly left in tears by Klopp's outburst, which onlookers described as 'earthy to the point of boorishness'.

"No sooner had those dirty words left [Klopp's] naughty mouth, Sam went pale and welled up," said Everton assistant boss Sammy Lee. "He clutched his necklace and let out a strangled, guttural sob - the same one he makes when the kebab shop is out of special sauce.

"Fortunately I found the smelling salts just in time, or Sam might have fainted clean away."

Later, armed with a hand-fan and an extra-strong mug of Earl Grey, Allardyce told FourFourTwo that he had never heard such filth in all his born days.

"That awful man [Klopp] was standing there turning the air blue, and all I could think of was his poor mother, and how she must feel to have raised such a vulgar lout," said the former Bolton and Sunderland boss.

"I always remind my players, whether they're on the training pitch, at home or making potentially leg-breaking tackles, that cleanliness is next to godliness, and a grubby tongue means a grubby soul."

Lee later confirmed that Allardyce was feeling much better following a restful nap, an episode of Midsomer Murders and a vat of special sauce washed down with a pint of Mateus Rosé. He added, however, that Klopp should not expect an invitation to take tea together any time soon.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, obviously.

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