Community Shield just as meaningless as any other trophy, muses Guardiola

Pep Guardiola Community Shield

Manchester City cruised to a 2-0 win in the Community Shield on Sunday, in a game Pep Guardiola described as “no less or more significant than any other aspect of our sport”.

Guardiola defended the reputation of the pre-season tradition, insisting that it deserved to be considered alongside the FA Cup, League Cup and Premier League as ultimately futile nonsense.

“It’s good for our fans that we win the Community Shield, because they have ascribed these rituals of competition with meaning,” he said. “But a ritual has no inherent meaning outside its social context, so I’m not getting carried away.”

The dreamboat stakhanovite praised the performance of his team and hailed two-goal hero Sergio Aguero, before reciting a litany of things more important than football.

“Football is fine, but better than football is the first taste of coffee in the morning; the feel of sunlight on your face; the love of a beautiful woman,” he told FourFourTwo.

“The sound of a child’s laughter on a summer day,” Guardiola continued. “The comfortable silence between old friends watching the day turn to night. Viva La Vida, or Death and All His Friends by Coldplay.

“Whistling. Sudoku. Distressed denim. All these things are better than football. Better even than Phil Foden’s performance today, which I thought was outstanding, compared to other football performances.”

Guardiola added that retaining the Premier League title he won last season with Manchester City was not inevitable, unlike death, which will one day come to us all.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. We actually have to say this.

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