Cristiano Ronaldo has confirmed that in the heartwarming children’s tales he was raised on, the plucky underdog who attempts to succeed against all the odds is defeated, imprisoned or eaten.
Speaking after his Portugal team defeated the unfancied Welsh, disappointing many who were hoping for a fairy tale ending to Euro 2016, Ronaldo confirmed that as far as he was concerned, the fairy tale was alive and well.
“I’ve always loved fairy tales,” said the 31-year old galactico. “Like when the poor tailor’s apprentice takes on the cruel mayor’s son in an archery contest, and loses. Or when the peasant lad saves the princess from the dragon, so the king feeds him to the dragon instead.
“Fairy tales influence how we look at the world, how we tell right from wrong, and how the little people should know their place and not try to take on their betters.
“When we comfortably beat Wales despite their unbreakable team spirit, it reminded me of the story of the orphan girl who tries to sneak into the palace ball but is set upon by wolves. I loved that one growing up.”
Life lessons
After planting his header past Wayne Hennessey, the Real Madrid star became the joint-top scorer in European Championship history, an experience he likened to the story of the rapacious count who oppresses his villagers so much they all starve to death.
“I hope that children in Portugal will grow up learning about that night in Lyon when a brave minnow took on the odds and failed,” he added. “And I hope children in Wales and Iceland learn this too, in case they get any clever ideas.”
Please note: This satirical story is not real. But you already knew that, right?
