Euro 2020’s group stage throws up some shocks, as you’d expect when half of its best players are missing.
The first night sets the theme. Turkey have barely lost anyone to the Super League’s accidental boycott of the European Championship – Ozan Kabak is contracted to Schalke, after all, so it’s just the admittedly important duo of Merih Demiral and Hakan Calhanoglu – and they stun Italy in the opening match.
Italy recover to top Group A, for reasons that will become clear, but the defeat to Turkey reveals a subtle weakness: their defence has disappeared.
Among the Azzurri’s 15 or so ineligible players are Milan goalkeeper Gianluigi Donnarumma and three of their back four. This prompts an awkward moment as 86-year-old Gigi Buffon comes out of international retirement, only to be told that he isn’t allowed to play, either. Still, into the last 16 they go.
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While Switzerland are denied only Xherdan Shaqiri and Granit Xhaka, the Super League clubs’ folly hits Wales hard. Players on loan elsewhere but contracted to the Dirty Dozen are also banned from international competition, leaving Wales devoid of Gareth Bale, Aaron Ramsey, Dan James, Ethan Ampadu, Joe Rodon, Neco Williams, Ben Davies, Harry Wilson, Matt Smith and Dylan Levitt. Some, granted, are more important than others. Although several young guns impress and give the Football League handy exposure, not least League Two midfielder Josh Sheehan, they just can’t find the goals.
Group B is for ‘Belgium’ and ‘Bloody hell’.
Sure, manager Roberto Martinez has depth in his squad as well as his soul. They’ve admirable options so long as Leicester aren’t tempted into the Super League’s clutches. But what team wouldn’t struggle without Kevin De Bruyne? And that’s not to mention Romelu Lukaku, Thibaut Courtois, Eden Hazard (remember him?), Toby Alderweireld, Yannick Carrasco, Michy Batshuayi, Alexis Saelemaekers and, technically speaking, Divock Origi. And Axel Witsel’s injured.
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Belgium’s line-up reads as follows:
(3-4-2-1) Mignolet; Boyata, Denayer, Vertonghen; Meunier, Dendoncker, Tielemans, Castagne; T. Hazard, Mertens, Trossard.
Not quite as threatening, is it?
Elsewhere in Group B, Denmark have a hole in their defence and no Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg to protect it (the defence, that is, not the hole). No Christian Eriksen, either. And, worst of all, no Martin Braithwaite of Barcelona. Curse you, cruel gods.
Finland take advantage, despite a late Milan bid for Teemu Pukki as Italy seek to destabilise a rival. Russia’s squad almost exclusively plays in Russia, so they’re fine… to a given standard of fine, anyway.
There’s no need to dwell on Group C. Amid the myriad withdrawals across Europe, Austria are OK. So are North Macedonia, unsurprisingly. Manchester City’s Oleksandr Zinchenko is a big absence from Ukraine’s midfield, but they’re largely unaffected, with museum exhibit Andriy Pyatov deputising in nets for the Real Madrid-owned Andriy Lunin.
And so Ukraine strike, as the Netherlands wobble in the face of squad divisions, which is just so unlike the Dutch in a major tournament. They are, to be fair, somewhat lacking in defenders: Matthijs de Ligt, Stefan de Vrij and Nathan Aké – he moved to Manchester City, remember – join Virgil van Dijk in watching from home, and there are also suspensions for Georginio Wijnaldum, Steven Bergwijn and Donny van de Beek, giving him yet another reason to regret joining Manchester United.
You feel for Scotland, too: having had the misfortune of their two best players being left-backs, suddenly they can’t call on either of them. Still, what’s bad news for Kieran Tierney and Andrew Robertson is good news for Barry Douglas. And the Scots are otherwise unaffected, apart from Scott McTominay actually having a reason now to look miffed.
England, though… oh boy. This is ugly. At least there are no arguments over which right-back should be left at home, because neither Trent Alexander-Arnold nor Reece James are allowed into Euro 2020. Kyle Walker’s out, too. So’s Kieran Trippier. Even Ainsley Maitland-Niles can’t go.
“At last,” cries Aaron Wan-Bissaka, “now’s my chan… balls.”
The Three Lions are effectively declawed by the actions of six English clubs, as an entire squadful of players is banned from international competition. The defence is hit especially hard. John Stones? Try Conor Coady. And the sinking of that right-back armada, combined with injuries to James Justin and Tariq Lamptey, leaves a straight battle between Matty Cash and Kyle Walker-Peters (Luke Ayling having been ruled out with, uh, dislocated hair).
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At least the attack is pretty good:
(4-2-3-1) Pickford; Walker-Peters, Keane, Mings, Cresswell; Bellingham (Phillips 45’), Rice; Sancho, Maddison, Grealish; Calvert-Lewin (Watkins 90’)
With that defence, though, and with Croatia losing Ivan Perisic, Sime Vrsaljko and Ante Rebic while having the midfield heart ripped from their team’s chests – Luka Modric, Marcelo Brozovic and Mateo Kovacic all join Ivan Rakitic on the retirement bench, albeit less willingly – the real winners are the Czechs.
Group E? Well, what Zlatan giveth, UEFA taketh away. Sweden’s prodigal son has played for basically every Super League team at one time or another. Worse, they lose Juve starlet Dejan Kulusevski. Better, they lose Victor Lindelof.
Poland are virtually full-strength. So, too, Slovakia, although they do miss Milan Skriniar due to his club’s commitments. The clue’s in the name… or it would be if his name was Inter Milan Skriniar.
For Spain, though, it’s painful. You can’t easily replace the experience and sheer bastardry of Sergio Ramos, one of 20-plus squad options unavailable to a seething Luis Enrique. Their starting XI reads like a Sunday League outfit’s team sheet on the morning of a game:
(4-3-3) De Gea Simon; Roberto Bellerin Carvajal Navas, Ramos P. Torres, Garcia Llorente, Reguilon Gaya; Canales, Busquets Rodri Thiago Merino, Koke Pedri Ceballos Fabian; F. Torres Traore, Morata Oyarzabal, Asensio Olmo
At least they have depth, as do France, whose first team is ravaged by this self-inflicted injury – of their seven preferred midfielders, only Bayern Munich’s Corentin Tolisso is allowed in. Fortunately, they still have Kylian Mbappe by way of consolation. Les Bleus top Group H but a full-strength Hungary shock both Portugal (with a squad also suffering from this collective gunshot to the foot) and Germany (managed by Joachim Löw).
These big clubs have quite a lot of players, don’t they?
As a result of this carnage, Euro 2020’s last 16 isn’t quite as expected. The would-be mouthwatering match-up between England and one of Portugal, Germany or France instead turns out to be Czech Republic vs Hungary. Another clash of the titans becomes Turkey vs Finland. Scotland face Ukraine. It’s mayhem.
And so, while one half of the draw sees France, Spain, Italy and Belgium all together in the quarter-finals, the other half… doesn’t. Poland get the Czech(s), while Scotland – wait, Scotland are still here? – see off Turkey, allowing the two to meet in the semi-final. It’s the big one: Robert Lewandowski vs David Marshall.
Don’t ask how, but Scotland prevail. Spain, even with no midfield, manage to overcome England, France and Belgium. The Euro 2020 Final pits the Tartan Army against La Roja. Unai Simon is injured, making Brighton goalkeeper Robert Sanchez the first player to represent Rochdale in League One and Spain in a European Championship Final in consecutive seasons. We think he’s the first, anyway.
It goes to penalties. Scotland reached this tournament by winning back-to-back shootouts. Spain lost their last one to Russia – and Ramos isn’t here to take one. It comes down to the final kick. John McGinn steps up, and…
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