So itâÂÂs all done for another four years. Time for us to ruminate, cogitate, digest then excrete the tournamentâÂÂs highs and lows.
WeâÂÂve decided to damn and praise in the form of the first ever World Cup 2010 World Cup Awards for the World Cup. The dizzying highs, the death-defying lows, the silliest names, the coolest granddads, the best jumpers, the most random moats⦠theyâÂÂre all here.
Drink it in, bask in it, bathe in it - then don your Zakumi pajamas, put it to bed and move on with your regular lives, people. See yâÂÂall in Brazil in four years' time â donâÂÂt forget to wind your watches back four hours and wear a hat made of bananas.
Must-have accessory
Joachim LöwâÂÂs âÂÂluckyâ blue jumper wasnâÂÂt jammy enough to counteract the infallible fortune bestowed by Paul the Octopus. But the natty cashmere number â modelled duskily by the brooding German sex god â did rapidly become a Teutonic fashion craze, with upscale clothier Strenesse selling out of the â¬199 items overnight. Essential.
Must have-accessory II (The Klumps)
Alright, it was the first winter World Cup since 1978, and pampered hacks got upset when nights were chilly. Still no need for the lengths this Honduran bloke went to.
MustnâÂÂt have-accessory
DungaâÂÂs chunky roll-neck. The Brazil gaffer and Barry Chuckle-alike donned a woolly pully that looked like it was designed by committee and would have been more at home on Captain BirdseyeâÂÂs poop deck. And unlike JogiâÂÂs sell-out garment, âÂÂDungawearâ doesnâÂÂt seem to have caught on around Copacabana Beach, where itâÂÂs currently 34 degrees. Maybe next time heâÂÂll go for some Dunga-rees.
Softest-sounding hardman
Waldo Ponce.
Coolest dude
You canâÂÂt help but admire UruguayâÂÂs Seb Abreu for his breathtakingly bold (some would say idiotic) quarter-final shootout penalty chip against Ghana. The phenomenon known as El Loco back in Montevideo chose the crucial moment to ping a cavadinha. Known elsewhere as the 'falling leaf', this roughly translates as âÂÂsmall diggingâÂÂ: the taker watches which way the keeper is going before scooping the ball gently down the middle. Bonus points, too, for looking like heâÂÂd just wandered in from a Sepultura gig.
Biggest Curse
Mick Jagger. Stop going to England games, man!
Paul Simpson, June 29: Guilty â Jagger, Churchill & Blessed >>
Never blinking award
Like Great White sharks, snakes, seagulls, and halibut, Mesut Ozil is medically unable to blink. Let's get this lad a transfer to the Premiership - and an Optrex eyebath.
Names most closely resembling the warble of soul music backing singers
We can easily imagine The Supremes crooning Tshabalala and Toulalan as Diana Ross belts out a heartfelt ballad about her baby leaving her, poor lass.
Least recognisable Premier League player (in a good way)
Giovanni dos Santos
Least recognisable Premier League player (in a bad way)
Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Gareth Barryâ¦
Biggest waste of taxpayersâ money
Alan Shearer. âÂÂOur knowledge of these two teams are limited,â smirked Shearer as Algeria prepared to take on Slovenia. So, you havenâÂÂt been arsed to read the document about the teams that a squadron of BBC researcher drones have toiled to put together then, Al? Too busy golfing with Hansen? The quality of TV analysis has become so desperate that weâÂÂre no longer surprised when an ex-footballer gets paid to trot out bleeding obvious clichés and knee-jerk wrongheadedness (âÂÂSo much for Spain winning the World Cup,â grinned Shearer after their defeat the Swiss). But to openly flaunt your ignorance? A disgrace.
Least accurate sphere
The J*b*l*n*. Don't mention the ball!
Most accurate sphere (of sorts)
Paul the octopus.
Most remarkable media backlash
Australia's shoddy 4-0 defeat to Germany prompted an unprecedented witch-hunt Down Under. Coach Pim Verbeek was called upon to quit mid-tournament, his tactics were labelled "un-Australian," and rumours of a player revolt swirled round the camp. The departing Verbeek won't forget his brutal treatment in a hurry â and even when the Socceroos recovered to win a game, their government thoughtfully decided to overshadow them by eating itself.
Mike Tuckerman, June 24: Politics overshadow Socceroos win >>
Slowest assassin
Gareth BarryâÂÂs pathetic late attempt to âÂÂtake outâ Mesut Ozil. By the time the lumbering midfielderâÂÂs challenge was disgracefully hacking at thin air, the sprightly German was in another time zone. Like a Mercedes purring past a Raleigh tricycle, it was the entire game in miniature.
Scousest Mexican
Gerrado Torrado. Try saying it.
Best accidental jump into a moat
Serbian forward Milan Jovanovic deserved a good celebrate after scoring his nationâÂÂs winner against Germany. But when he jumped over the advertising hoardings delightedly he must have been surprised to find himself standing in the narrow but inexplicable body of water which runs round the perimeter of the Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium. If only the Northumbria Police could find a moat so quickly.
Most patriotic reaction to a national anthem
North Korean Jong Tae-Se bursting into tears before the Brazil game. Truly epic patriotic weeping.
Kicking the Busquets
A big thanks to everyone who booted Spanish midfielder Sergio Busquets â the tournamentâÂÂs most-fouled player â for making this joke possible.
Best 44-year itch-scratching
Germany finally getting their own back for that 1966 Geoff Hurst goal-over-the-line business. Sure, Frank LampardâÂÂs was BLOODY MILES across, but theirs was in the World Cup Final. Shall we call it quits, lads?
âÂÂBreaking African Heartsâ Award
One billion people live in Africa, and each and every last one of them is now a heartbroken, bereft, blubbering mess because of Asamoah Gyan's last-minute penalty miss against Uruguay â making him a bigger bastard than love rats Darren Day, Dwight Yorke and Grant Bovey combined.
Coolest granddad
Tim Cahill, whose granâÂÂpappy has got a tattoo from his neck to his knees and is the chief of a village in Samoa. Respect gigantically due.
Biggest en masse switch to supporting another sport
England fans to Andy Murray for around six days in late June, until he went and blew it, too. Erm, when does the cricket start again?
Most laughable miss
Having been delivered the slowest and most accurate pass in history on a silver ruddy platter, NigeriaâÂÂs Yakubu somehow conspired to blunder from three feet out against South Korea, spooning it back past the post. So massively moronic that he even started laughing at himself.
Gaffer most gagging for a game
WeâÂÂre surprised that badger-bearded boss Diego Maradona didnâÂÂt just storm onto the pitch in his grey suit towards the end of the Germany game, dribble past eight defenders and then head in his own cross, before being wrestled from the pitch calling the refâÂÂs mum a pig-dog-whore-snake. You know he wanted to.
Red hot & Dutch
Wheeler-dealing, high-level ticket tout extraordinaire Robbie Earle was sacked by ITV after it transpired that heâÂÂd flogged a number of tickets for a Holland game. Unfortunately for him â but happily for lady-oglers everywhere â they ended up in the moisturised palms of a gaggle of attractive orange minidress-modelling Dutch stunners working for a beer company. More remarkably, the fallout from the story revealed that the pundit had been granted FOUR HUNDRED tickets for the tournament, including 40 for the final. Which presumably means that half the main stand at Soccer City yesterday was full of ITV punditsâ mates instead of real fans. Super news.
Tightest shirt in showbiz
ArgentinaâÂÂs not-really-a-right-back Jonas Gutierrez. Figure-hugging!
Least surprising big surprise
Diego Forlan! HeâÂÂs not the player he was at Manchester United! He can score goals! WhatâÂÂs going on? Er... heâÂÂs been banging them all over the shop for six years since he left Old Trafford, you Premier-centric muppets!
Best childish playground chuckle of a name
New ZealandâÂÂs Shane Smeltz. Ha!
Service to broadcasting medal
The germs that scuttled down Jim BeglinâÂÂs throat and spared us all from his inane nonsense during the Germany vs Uruguay semi-final. Well infected, malevolent micro-organisms!
Best goal
Giovanni van Bronckhorst: 61mph of wrong, walloped vigorously over 41 yards past Uruguay keeper Fernando Muslera. Booooooom!
Most appropriate jig
South AfricaâÂÂs excellent display of co-ordinated dancing following Siphiwe Tshabalala-lalalalala-ooooooh-daaaarlingâÂÂs barmstorming opening goal of the tournament. Great moves and genuine jubilation.10.0! 10.0! 10.0! from the World Cup Brekkie juryâ¦
Least appropriate jig
ItâÂÂs tough to forgive Luis Suarez his nasty little last-minute handball against Ghana â even if every analyst in town has admitted that any professional in that situation would have done the same thing. But what is really unforgivable is him openly dancing a sodding samba when Gyan missed his penny, swinging his hips with even further gusto on the final whistle, and then declaring himself âÂÂthe new hand of GodâÂÂ. Git.
Worst game
Paraguay vs New Zealand. A team unwilling to score against a team unable to score. Televisual Diazapam.
Worst day
No prizes for guessing who had to wear DungaâÂÂs wally-jumper on the flight home to Rio after BrazilâÂÂs exit to Holland: Felipe Melo scored a horrible own goal then got red carded for a horrible challenge, setting a new and horrible record. Bozo. (And we know FIFA awarded the own goal to Sneijder, but they don't have jurisdiction over us, so tough, Sepp.)
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