1. Carlos Diogo vs Luis Fabiano, 2007
Outside the realms of UFC, most fighting is essentially pathetic: face-saving nonsense, bravado and chest-puffery – a dance performed until both participants can back down with their egos intact.
This display of peacocking from Diogo of Real Zaragoza and Fabiano of Sevilla contains several key ingredients: the rutting-goat forehead push, the gentle neck-shove, and finally, the kind of classic windmilling that wouldn’t seriously damage a Mary Berry raspberry mille-feuille.
2. Helmut Haller vs Tommy Gemmel, 1969
A beautiful two-part spat that belongs in a cartoon: with West Germany leading Scotland 3-2 in a World Cup qualifier in Hamburg, Gemmel was scythed down cynically by the German midfielder. The Celtic man immediately saw red, haring after his assailant and sticking a robust size 10 up his arsch.
3. Toros Neza vs Jamaican national side, 1997
The least friendly friendly of all time, this pre-season warm-up between the Mexican league side and the Reggae Boyz descended into total war after a robust tackle sparked tempers. Standard pushing and shoving rapidly devolved into an insane cocktail of blindside clotheslines, flying kicks, and one poor sod even getting hit over the head with a shoe.
Several Jamaicans then depart to a nearby crop of woodland and return with sticks and large rocks with which to escalate the maiming. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Miguel Herrera – the hot-headed former Mexico manager who was sacked in 2015 for assaulting a journalist – is tooled up and right in the middle of the mayhem.
4. Francis Lee vs Norman Hunter, 1975
A vintage nasty big bully vs angry little man tussle. To say Franny Lee had a reputation for going down easily is an understatement: his nickname was ‘Lee Won Pen’, and he still holds the record for the greatest number of spot-kicks netted in a season (not all won by him, admittedly).
Leeds nutter Norman Hunter probably wasn’t the best chap to try the party trick on, though, and after winning a soft pen for Derby in 1975, Lee also earned a meaty right hook. Raging, the little Ram stormed past Roy McFarland declaring: “I’m going to get that b*stard”, and whirled at Hunter with an extraordinary flurry of punches, none of which properly connected. Both were dismissed.
5. Chelsea vs Arsenal, 2007
It’s the done thing to furrow a brow and disapprove of all violence, but let’s face it: we’d all love to see Jose Mourinho publicly do battle with Arsenal Wenger – topless and oiled up in the Octagon on prime-time Pay-Per-View, the tall, big-wingspanned French vessel wafting blows at the younger, fitter Portuguese pocket battleship.
The trash talk would be amazing, but until this dream becomes reality we’ll have to content ourselves with this punch-up-via-proxy at the 2007 League Cup Final, in which Emmanuel Adebayor, Kolo Toure and John Obi Mikel were all sent off, while Arsene and Jose thundered in to ‘calm things down’ by shouting and waving their arms.
6. Teniente Farina vs Libertad, 2012
In what surely must be a world record, this Paraguayan league fixture managed to achieve the near impossible, with the referee sending off more players than were actually on the pitch.
After a midfielder from each of Teniente Farina and Libertad were dismissed for fighting, both substitute benches steamed into action, and a huge and varied melee developed, involving Crouching Dragon roundhouses and some hearty kicks up the backside.
All 36 participants were red carded, after which the ref and his assistants fled in fear. Bonkers.
7. Battle of Santiago, 1962
“The game you are about to see is the most stupid, appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition of football possibly in the history of game,” says David Coleman, as BBC audiences around the country rub their hands together with relish. He then speculates that the horrifying World Cup highlight reel about to be screened between Chile and Italy threatens the very future of the tournament.
The highly enjoyable hour-and-a-half of scrapping that followed was reminiscent of a WWE Royal Rumble, and set the bar for all future football misbehaviour.
8. David Speedie vs Gary Bennett, 1990
Talking of furious smaller men, David Speedie was perhaps their patron saint. 5ft 7in of tightly coiled Yorkshire rage, the former miner was so narky he made Dennis Wise look like a Transcendental Meditation instructor.
The Coventry dynamo wound up the wrong man in Sunderland defender Gary Bennett, however, following up a rotten high tackle with a cocky “who, me?” stance on the sideline. Bennett piled in, strangling Speedie and shoving him into the crowd. “Goodness knows what might have happened if the officials hadn’t pulled me away,” admitted Bennett later. He’d probably still be punching Speedie’s twitching corpse now.
9. Kevin Keegan vs Billy Bremner, 1974
Brian Clough had told feisty club captain Bremner to clean up his act before the Charity Shield – the new gaffer considered him to be the embodiment of ‘dirty Leeds’. Instead, the attack dog went feral at Wembley, continuously snapping at Keegan, who was his doing his trademark up-front harrying.
Both men were sent off for the ensuing nonsense, with Keegan pulling off his top in anger to reveal an enviably rippling physique. Uproar followed, leading to lengthy bans – and even questions being asked in parliament.
10. Shab Khan vs Charlie Russell, 2015
Most footballers don’t have a signature move – we’d love to see, say, Robert Huth throw Martin Skrtel into the stands at Anfield using the ‘Stone Cold Stunner’, only for the massive Slovak killing machine to bounce back out and unleash the Undertaker’s ‘Last Ride’ while the German was strutting around shouting about being the greatest.
It’s something for the FA to discuss, but for now we’ll have to settle for Worcester City’s Shab Khan, who successfully merged wrestling with the beautiful game. After taking exception to a naughty challenge by Stockport’s Charlie Russell, he lifted then spiked his opponent to the ground.
