1. Fanclaps, £7
Equipped with a special ‘palm pounder’ and promising ‘thunderous sound’, these fingerless gloves can be picked up from the Finnish FA’s official website. Some may say you can make sufficient racket with your actual hands, but there's no need to let common sense spoil the fun at this time of the year. Besides, the dull thud of woolly gloves is hardly likely to gee your team up when they’re two goals down on a Baltic January afternoon.
Buy them here.
Available from the Finland FA shop - gloves which make a clapping noise when clapped. Also available, hands. Odd. December 5, 2015
2. New York City Bluetooth speaker, £48
The combined power of Lampard, Pirlo and Villa might have been outdone by Bradley Wright-Phillips’ mighty Red Bulls in 2016, but NYCFC are still the coolest team in MLS.
And what better way to get behind Manchester City's sister side than with this Bluetooth speaker? What to play? LCD Soundsystem’s New York I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down is surely apt after their 5-0 play-off battering.
Buy it here.
3. Official England screwdrivers, £7.49
Tinkering with the England team isn’t a job for the feint-hearted. Fortunately, these official screwdrivers merely require you to fiddle with flatpack furniture and odd jobs around the house, rather than solving the conundrum of where exactly Wayne Rooney can be shoehorned in next. Sure to be more entertaining than another World Cup qualifier.
Buy them here.
4. Spurs 5m tape measure, £10
Clearly taking inspiration from England ahead of their season-long Wembley jaunt, Tottenham have brought out their own handy addition to the toolbox: a five-metre tape measure. Perfect for measuring out 10 yards during a kickabout down the park, or Dele Alli's distance from the defender who supposedly brought him down in the penalty box.
Buy it here.
Next: The coolest coffee pot... ever
5. PSG Bow Tie, £24
Paris, the world’s most fashionable city. Expensive haute couture, glamorous boutiques, high-end tailoring and a super-rich football club to boot. Some say money can’t buy class, but this PSG-branded bow tie dispels that myth once and for all. Ideal for those who want to look dapper on a date on the Champs-Elysee, less so on a trip to Wetherspoons.
Buy it here.
6. La Bombonera 3D stadium, £33
Sitting in the gods at the Bombonera on matchday isn't an experience for those of a nervous disposition; about as far as you can get from the London Stadium, the atmosphere at Boca Junior's home ground could be politely described as raucous. For stadium nerds who love the architecture but would prefer not to fear for their lives on the terraces, this official model should do the trick.
Buy it here.
7. River Plate cutlery set, £19
Never ones to be outdone by their cross-city rivals, River Plate have their own set of fancy accessories to help fans demonstrate their undying commitment to the cause.
Scarf? Pah. Pin badge? Not here, sunshine. Instead, the Argentine giants have released a branded cutlery set, ideal for slicing through one of Buenos Aires' succulent steaks. Both the knife and fork have the club crest embossed on the side, with a fancy case thrown in for good measure.
Buy it here.
8. Napoli musical coffee pot, £28
The packed terraces of the Stadio San Paolo. Tifosi belting out a lusty rendition of ’O surdato ’nnammurato ahead of a big Serie A clash. Flares clouding the sky.
It's impossible to give the gift of the febrile Neapolitan atmosphere, replete with the ability to brew strong local coffee this Christmas. For the next best thing, though, look no further than this traditional Bialetti stovetop. Pop it on and a dedicated speaker will belt out Napoli's traditional anthem while the java brews. Lovely stuff.
Buy it here.
Next: Why go to Aldi?
9. Celtic darts, £8
'Tis the season of Santa Clause, mince pies and countless postponements north of the border. It'll take more than a bit of snow to get a darts game called off, though, which is exactly why you should give the gift of these arrows this Yuletide. That way, at least someone you know will be able to cheer on something vaguely related to Celtic while it's minus six outside.
Buy them here.
10. Milan sparkling wine, €29
Why go to Aldi and pick up a knockdown bottle of prosecco for your Calcio-loving pals when you can snap up this luxury sparkle replete with full Milan branding instead? Drink the lot, reminisce about the glory days and forget that the Rossoneri let Andrea Pirlo join Juventus on a free that time.
Buy it here.
11. Real Madrid electric toothbrush, £11.90
Who doesn’t want pearly whites like Cristiano Ronaldo? This electric toothbrush set shows that beyond bossing La Liga, Real Madrid clearly care about their fans’ dental health, not to mention ratcheting up their merchandising war with Manchester United. Dental floss and mouthwash is sold separately.
Buy it here.
