Footballers’ nicknames range from the plain rubbish (just sticking a ‘y’ on the end of a player’s actual name) to the utterly inspired.
Here, we’ve picked out some of our favourites, taking in cult heroes and bona fide superstars of the game alike.
What’s in a football nickname? You’re about to find out…
'Dave' – Cesar Azpilicueta
The story goes that when Cesar Azpilicueta joined Chelsea from Atletico Madrid in 2012, his new teammates found the Spanish defender’s surname a bit hard to pronounce.
So, rather than learning it, they went for the easy option and started calling him ‘Dave’ – à la Trigger from Only Fools and Horses.
'The Divine Ponytail' – Roberto Baggio
One of the very best players in the world during the 90s, Italian icon Roberto Baggio was dubbed ‘Il Divin Codino’ (‘The Divine Ponytail’).
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, but it’s still absolutely brilliant and the perfect moniker for such an utterly magical footballer, the winner of the 1993 Ballon d’Or.
'The Non-Flying Dutchman' – Dennis Bergkamp
Dennis Bergkamp regularly ripped it up in the Premier League, but things were a little trickier for him when Arsenal had a European game on the continent.
The Gunners and Netherlands legend’s fear of flying meant that he travelled to such matches by road and rail instead – or, if logistics didn’t allow, not at all. And as a result his nickname was 'The Non-Flying Dutchman'
'The Wardrobe' – Papa Bouba Diop
The late Papa Bouba Diop brought an imposing presence to midfield, starring in Senegal’s famous run to the 2002 World Cup quarter-finals and later in the Premier League, for among others, Fulham and Portsmouth.
And his substantial stature earned him the six-foot-five cult favourite the cracking nickname of ‘The Wardrobe’.
'Peter Pan' – Antonio Cassano
Whether it was his antics or his protracted retirement and (ultimately failed) return to the pitch, former Roma, Milan, Inter and Italy forward Antonio Cassano never seemed to want to grow up.
Mind you, ‘Peter Pan’ wasn’t exactly old when he finally did hang up his boots – he was only 36!
'Duncan Disorderly' – Duncan Ferguson
Duncan Ferguson’s proper nickname is ‘Big Dunc’, but the no-nonsense Scottish striker also ended up being dubbed ‘Duncan Disorderly’.
That came after the card-prone Ferguson – the first footballer to be jailed for an on-field offence, his assault of Raith Rovers’ John McStay while playing for Rangers in 1994 – failed a breathalyser test on the eve of his first Merseyside derby for Everton.
'One Size' – Fitz Hall
Everyone loves a pun (don’t they?) and Fitz Hall’s nickname is an absolutely stunning example of the art.
The towering former Crystal Palace and QPR defender – who won the 2009/10 Championship title with the latter and again on loan at Newcastle the following season – even launched a clothing range which took its name from his memorable moniker.
'The Waiter' – Toni Kroos
Renowned for his supremely pinpoint passing ability, German great Toni Kroos earned the nickname ‘The Waiter’.
The six-time Champions League-winning midfield maestro was dubbed ‘Garçom’ (‘Waiter’ in Portuguese) by the Brazilian press for routinely delivering the ball to perfection en route to glory at the 2014 World Cup in the country.
'The Magic Dwarf' – Philipp Lahm
Did you know that Germany were captained to 2014 World Cup success by a ‘Magic Dwarf’…?
Philipp Lahm got his nickname for a) being an exceptional player, one of the finest full-backs of all time, and b) having the audacity to be five-foot-seven tall (which isn’t even that short, is it?!).
'Slabhead' – Harry Maguire
Harry Maguire’s sizeable skull has long seen the centre-back affectionately known as ‘Slabhead’.
And England’s 2018 World Cup semi-finalist and Euro 2020 runner-up has regularly put that part of his anatomy to good use, whether getting rid of the ball at one end or scoring with a powerful header at the other.
'Choccy' – Brian McClair
Manchester United legend Brian McClair helped the Red Devils to four Premier League titles, among other honours, making almost 500 appearances and scoring more than 100 goals for the club.
During his time at Old Trafford, the versatile Scotland international was fondly called ‘Choccy’ – thanks to his surname rhyming with that cream-filled, chocolate-topped treat, the éclair.
'The Flea' – Lionel Messi
You might well refer to him as the GOAT, but Lionel Messi’s nickname is ‘La Pulga’ (Spanish for ‘The Flea’).
Why? It’s quite simple really: the eight-time Ballon d’Or-winning Barcelona and Argentina icon is only little and is an absolute nuisance to play against (ok, that’s something of an understatement).
'The Little Aeroplane' – Vincenzo Montella
Vincenzo Montella scored well over 200 goals across the course of his career, and his go-to celebration was to stretch his arms out like a plane.
As a result, the diminutive Italian, who netted more than 100 times for Roma alone and won 20 international caps, was nicknamed ‘L’Aeroplanino’ (‘The Little Aeroplane’).
'Chris' – Kiki Musampa
Winger Kiki Musampa spent 18 months on loan at Manchester City from Atletico Madrid from 2005 to 2006, once scoring a stunning late winner against Liverpool.
During his time in the North West of England, Musampa, a former Netherlands U21 international, had the nickname ‘Chris’. Think about it for a second…
'Wash' – David Ngog
For those who don’t know, Wash & Go is an old-school brand of two-in-one shampoo and conditioner.
And it seems that for Liverpool fans in the late 00s, the lure of a great pun was too much to resist, hence dubbing French striker David Ngog (pronounced N-go) ‘Wash’. Brilliant stuff!
'The Blind Venetian' – Massimo Taibi
Howler-blighted former Manchester United goalkeeper Massimo Taibi was born in Sicily – about as far away in Italy from Venice as you can get.
But the fact that he joined the Red Devils from Sicily was grounds enough for him to be bestowed with the inspired (if harsh) nickname of ‘The Blind Venetian’.
