The Forgetful Fresh Prince Premier Previews
As Christmas approaches, the same words are on everybodyâÂÂs lips: whoâÂÂs on the move in the January transfer window?
Van Nistelrooy to Blackburn, Pavlyuchenko to Liverpool, Pavlyuchenko to Arsenal (thereâÂÂs no accounting for stupidity) â rumours are flying through the air like t*ts in a strip club, but with considerably less scrutiny.
Two of the more intriguing pieces of gossip involve Everton signing Yankee striker Landon Donovan â Government-backed espionage ahead of EnglandâÂÂs World Cup meeting with the USA â and an equally wily scheme that may see Sol Campbell move to Manchester United.
A serious point here: for footballâÂÂs sake, let's hope this doesnâÂÂt happen.
Bringing Sol to the biggest club in the world would be to reward him for walking out on Notts County one month into a five-year contract (having probably moved there to be a big fish in a small pond in the first place).
He doesnâÂÂt deserve it.
A less serious point: Michael Owen to United, then Sol Campbell? Who next, Jamie Redknapp?
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Saturday
Birmingham vs West Ham
Two weeks ago ZolaâÂÂs Hammers (werenâÂÂt they an âÂÂ80s hair metal group?) climbed out of the relegation zone like a bow-legged drunk out of a folding sofa, but they rarely threatened at home to Manchester United last weekend.
General Franco has been something of a revelation, but theyâÂÂre really going to miss ColeâÂÂs goals until he returns in January.
Like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air viewers, opposition defenders are happier when CarltonâÂÂs not around.
The Blues, meanwhile, have to contend with nasty nosebleeds. Ninth? Blimey.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Joe Hart to finish higher in the league with Birmingham than he would with Manchester City. Shame
What will happen: Brum to go a seventh consecutive match unbeaten; a draw makes it an incredible 15 points from seven games
An international cap. Heh heh
Bolton vs Manchester City
They only bloody did it.
After seven â SEVEN â league draws in a row against the likes of Hull, Wigan and a travel-sick Burnley, SparkyâÂÂs Millionaires (werenâÂÂt they a brand of chocolate box in the âÂÂ90s?) went and won against league leaders Chelsea of all teams.
ThereâÂÂs no way of predicting what theyâÂÂll do next, which makes my job a little tricky.
Losing a relegation six-pointer to Wolves will have hit Bolton hard, and MegsonâÂÂs criticism of the players afterwards wonâÂÂt have helped morale.
Pot, kettle, racist, etc.
What wonâÂÂt happen: The visitors to use their rising swine flu count (now at four) as an attack, coughing on Bolton defenders at corners. City with swine flu, United in an injury crisis â whatâÂÂs going on in Manchester anyway?
What will happen: Going for City to win. Which means they wonâÂÂt. Sorry, City fans
Burnley vs Fulham
Roy HodgsonâÂÂs men keep knock-knock-knockinâ on RafaâÂÂs door: a win at Burnley would see them overtake Liverpool if the Reds go down to Arsenal.
For Burnley, this match starts a run of three games in four on home Turf (Moor), destined to coincide strangely with a climb up the table.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Bobby Zamora to get an England call-up for the World Cup finals. Come on, Hodgson, you donâÂÂt have AlzheimerâÂÂs yet
What will happen: âÂÂBurnley away, points go astray; Burnley at home, they come back to roam.â Score draw
Chelsea vs Everton
Essien joins the limping ranks of ChelseaâÂÂs walking wounded, while EvertonâÂÂs crippled crew numbers a small army.
Quick, someone make a charity record â that âÂÂHeroesâ album for fallen soldiers has nothing on these two.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Chelsea to be as generous to the Toffees as Spurs were
What will happen: Home win
Hull vs Blackburn
Jimmy âÂÂThe Ladâ Bullard has been ruled out for six to eight weeks, giving Phil âÂÂThe Madâ Brown headaches IâÂÂd like to inflict on him more personally.
Which footballing deity the November Player of the Month has offended to receive this sentence, the Valderrama Football Hair God or the Fowler Comedy Celebration God, is uncertain.
Still, it should give Big SamâÂÂs Rovers (werenâÂÂt they a '70s Irish folk band?) a boost ahead of their first away game in four fixtures.
What wonâÂÂt happen: An away win could propel Blackburn into the top half. It wonâÂÂt, because they wonâÂÂt get one
What will happen: Even without The Lad, Hull grab three points. Gits.
L to R: Diouf, Roberts, McCarthy, Nelsen, Pedersen
Manchester United vs Aston Villa
If Villa are ever going to do it, it has to be now.
They havenâÂÂt won at Old Trafford since 1863, when football was known as âÂÂsoccyballâ and the teams were 17-a-side. Villa won 19-12, despite a debut brace from Ryan Giggs.
The Red Devils welcome back at least one defender with open arms, as the Vidic Virus moves across Manchester to plague City some more.
Any flu virus that can take down Nemanja Vidic is a flu virus to be reckoned with.
UnitedâÂÂs back four keeps its makeshift Blue Peter âÂÂHereâÂÂs one we made five secondsâ ago vibe, though, with Carrick and Fletcher continuing to deputise in defence.
Despite his hat-trick against Wolfsburg, Michael Owen warms the bench as substitute right-back.
What wonâÂÂt happen: A historic Villa victory (it was actually 1983, by the way)
What will happen: A distinctly unhistoric United victory
Stoke vs Wigan
At the time of writing itâÂÂs not clear exactly what happened between Tony Pulis and James Beattie, but suffice it to say theyâÂÂre not spending their nights spooning.
The rumour mill is a-churning. Some say Beattie will beat it 18 months before his designated contract end, and that Pulis isnâÂÂt going to stand in his way.
Some say both men have apologised to each other and to the team.
All we know is...
What wonâÂÂt happen: Beattie to leave. The managerâÂÂs too wise to let him go over a minor bust-up, and the striker must realise heâÂÂs onto a good thing at Stoke â in the top half of the Prem way past his prime
What will happen: Wigan to nab a draw, the cheeky scamps
Sunderland vs Portsmouth
âÂÂCrisis? What crisis?â come the noises from behind the sofa at Fratton Park, with leaders of the Pomp repeatedly insisting weâÂÂre not going into administration, honest, everything is fine, we have the money, itâÂÂs just resting in our account, oh look over there is that a fox?
"Yes la', what d'yer want?"
Shame about the retirement of Optimus Primus, too.
Meanwhile, 10th-placed Sunderland get to hide Hyde and don their Jekyll faces since theyâÂÂre playing at home, and will eye up three points here that could propel them up into eighth.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Zinedine Dindane to score again. Laughable footballer
What will happen: Home win
Spurs vs Wolves
Beating Bolton was a terrific result for Mick McCarthyâÂÂs minions, especially in the light of Sprightly KightlyâÂÂs lay-off.
A point here would leave them cock-a-hoop (whatever that means).
As for Spurs... IâÂÂm still furious with them for dropping points to Everton last week, especially after âÂÂArryâÂÂs "league first, cups second" rally.
What makes me angriest is how it was so inevitable.
IâÂÂd go down to White Hart Lane and shout abuse at them, but it would be like remonstrating with a bear for taking a dump in the woods (only less life-threatening).
What wonâÂÂt happen: A top-four finish for Spurs. You canâÂÂt drop points like that
What will happen: Still, at least this fixture should be three points in the bag, right? Right?
Sunday
Liverpool vs Arsenal
ItâÂÂs the big one! Cue Eye of the Tiger intro.
(DUN!) With Fulham breathing down LiverpoolâÂÂs necks (DUN DUN DUN!) and Arsenal keen to extend their lead over Spurs (DUN DUN DUN!), neither team can afford to lose this game. (DUN DUN DUHHH...)
But (DUN!) one of them (DUN DUN DUN!) will have to lose (DUN DUN DUN!) â unless they draw.
DUN DUN DUHHH...
What wonâÂÂt happen: Both Arsenal and Liverpool could learn something from Cesc Fabregasâ assertion his team needs a striker... but neither will. Cue more âÂÂNgog vs Bendtner: who has less talent?â debates
What will happen: Aquilani to start. No, really! ItâÂÂs going to happen! Seriously! And itâÂÂs going to be a draw!
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Huw was on the FourFourTwo staff from 2009 to 2015, ultimately as the magazine's Managing Editor, before becoming a freelancer and moving to Wales. As a writer, editor and tragic statto, he still contributes regularly to FFT in print and online, though as a match-going #WalesAway fan, he left a small chunk of his brain on one of many bus journeys across France in 2016.
