James Milner isn’t the most glamorous name the Prem has ever seen. In fact, he's a bloke who got his biggest ever laugh doing the ironing.
Yet by dint of professionalism, fitness and application, he’s just played his 500th Premier League match – joining an exclusive club of just 12 other men. Which got us thinking: which stars have we actually spent our precious hours watching in the post-1992 era? Forget Cristiano Ronaldo and Luis Suarez - who are the players that really define this league? And can they be shoehorned into some kind of XI?
You’ll be delighted to know they can. Two of this 13 are goalkeepers, so by benching one we can easily find a formation to accommodate the rest. So here it is. Love 'em or loathe 'em, this is the definitive Premier League side. But first, a word from our runner-up...
Back-up GK: Mark Schwarzer
Games: 514, PL clubs: Middlesbrough, Fulham, Chelsea, Leicester
Fantastic news. Our reserve goalie is the league’s ultimate lucky charm. Sure, the netminder who served Boro and Fulham with such distinction will be gutted not to start – but this was the man who sat on the bench as Chelsea won the title in 2014/15. Then he left for Leicester, and the Foxes did the same damn thing.
Yep, Mark Schwarzer played an altogether non-playing role in back-to-back title triumphs. With his Aussie backside on the bench, this side is basically unbeatable.
GK: David James
Games: 572, PL clubs: Liverpool, Aston Villa, West Ham, Man City, Portsmouth
Our No.1 is a player nicknamed ‘Calamity’? Warm up, Schwarzo. Just kidding. James may have been erratic at times - particularly in goal for Liverpool, though he’s hardly alone there - but the 6ft 5in England man could be a formidable, athletic stopper.
He’s also fourth on the all-time Premier League appearances list with 572. Coincidentally, this is roughly how many hairstyles he went through. Our favourite was that Clark Kent side-parting. Magnificent.
LB: Phil Neville
Games: 505, PL clubs: Man United, Everton
Ashley Cole 'only' played 385 Premier League games, so it's welcome aboard to P-Nev. A versatile stalwart who could ‘do a job’ in various positions across defence and midfield, Neville broke through at Manchester United as a left-back (and understudy to Denis Irwin) and it was in this position that he played most frequently.
Unspectacular but efficient, he clocked up over 200 league appearances for both United and Everton.
CB: Rio Ferdinand
Games: 504, PL clubs: West Ham, Leeds, Man United, QPR
Ignore the bit at the start of his career where he couldn’t concentrate and the bit at the end where he looked a shadow of his former self at QPR - Ferdinand was an absolute Rolls-Royce of a centre-back at his peak.
That was mainly spent at Manchester United, where he made 300+ appearances and scooped six league titles, combining comfort on the ball with speed, size and strength. Ferdinand would make an all-time Premier League XI regardless of appearances, such was his presiding class at Old Trafford.
CB: Sol Campbell
Games: 503, PL clubs: Tottenham, Arsenal, Portsmouth, Newcastle
Pipped into 12th on the all-time appearance list by just one match, thanks to his own centre-back partner here. You have been absolutely merked, Sulzeer. Big Sol actually played the majority of his matches for Spurs, but after leaving for Arsenal in 2001 he’s undoubtedly better loved in that patch of north London.
An enigmatic chap who's now manning the dugout at Macclesfield, but an excellent defender - with the bonus that we know he could actually play well with his centre-back partner, as the two were a solid element of England’s 2002 run to the World Cup quarter-finals.
RB: Jamie Carragher
Games: 508, PL club: Liverpool
Bested by his younger brother and his bromantic pundit partner: Gary '400 league games' Neville is having a mare here. Neville Snr is pushed out of right-back spot by Carra, one of a trio of one-club men in this XI.
Carragher eventually established himself as a forever-bawling central defender at Liverpool. Yet he originally emerged as a right-back (who could also play on the left), one theory at the time being that he was too short to be a centre-back. That changed when everyone realised that: a) full-backs actually needed to have some attacking ability, and b) 6ft wasn’t actually small. Still, as solid a defender as he is a Nev needler.
LW: Ryan Giggs
Games: 632, PL club: Manchester United
A seriously impressive game total for the old blood-twister who also hoovered up a scarcely believable 13 league titles and 109 goals. Giggs went from flying teen sensation to crafty 40-year-old central midfield string-puller, all thanks to yoga and not having butter on his toast. Or something.
It’s the twentysomething left-wing version of Giggsy we’re picking here though – the position where he played the majority of his 1,000-year career, to a fan chorus of Joy Division (away) and silent prawn sandwich consumption (home). Chuck 40 additional First Division appearances on for his actual total, if you can bring yourself to recall a time before 1992.
CM: Gareth Barry
Games: 653, PL clubs: Aston Villa, Man City, Everton, West Brom
Versatile, dependable, consistent. He may not set pulses racing, but Barry was a fine Premier League footballer. He's played on the left of midfield in the past - but it’s in middle where we’d need him if we’re going to shoehorn this lot into the 4-5-1 formation that works.
Marathon man Barry is firmly established as a midfield anchorman these days – finally out of the top flight, having been relegated with West Brom – but it’s worth remembering that he displayed more attacking intent in his youth. In the mid-2000s, he scored eight, then nine league goals in two seasons at Aston Villa - though admittedly he was on spot-kick duty. Probably also takes a mean throw-in. Right?
CM: Gary Speed
Games: 535, PL clubs: Leeds, Everton, Newcastle, Bolton
In the first Premier League season of 1992/93, the defending top-flight champions were a Leeds side boasting supreme midfield talent. Each man ideally fitted their role; Gary McAllister the playmaker, Gordon Strachan the magician, David Batty the destroyer and young Gary Speed - the box-to-box engine room who could score, run, pass, head and tackle.
Welshman Speed played on the left or in the centre for four Premier League clubs, and has the rare distinction of being fondly remembered by fans of them all. Tragically, Speed died in 2011, aged just 42 – and the genuine warmth in the tributes of all who played with him spoke to the fact that he was just as pleasant off the pitch as he always came across to those who watched him on it.
CM: Frank Lampard
Games: 609, PL clubs: West Ham, Chelsea, Man City
The only player apart from Giggs and Barry in the 600+ club, Lampard was often referred to as ‘Fat Frank’ despite clearly being in absolutely incredible nick. Snaffled a crafty 177 league goals, which isn’t bad from midfield - mainly for Chelsea, where he won three league titles among a swag of silverware.
Lampard’s scoring prowess and advanced centre-mid position should hopefully make up for the fact that our lone striker isn’t the most, erm, prolific. At least this side’s frontman will be able to benefit from Lampard’s pinpoint set-piece delivery. Better corners than Müller, this lad.
RW: Steven Gerrard
Games: 504, PL club: Liverpool
Unfortunately Stevie G will have to shift over to the right flank, which does come with the bonus of not pairing him with Frank Lampard. Right-midfield is a role that the Liverpool powerhouse filled under Rafa Benitez in the mid-2000s, while he later played successfully ‘in the hole’ behind a peak Fernando Torres (at a pinch, Gerrard could even fill in at right-back).
Frankly, though, he will probably just play where he always played: wherever Steven Gerrard wanted to be. That’s fine by us, as he was a superb all-action dynamo; cloned from old copies of Roy of the Rovers in a Scouse laboratory, determined to leather spectacular goals and rock out to Phil Collins no matter the cost. Give that man the armband.
FW: Emile Heskey
Games: 516, PL clubs: Leicester, Liverpool, Birmingham, Wigan, Aston Villa
Yes! Admit it to yourselves – you’d like to think that the skills of Thierry Henry, Wayne Rooney, Sergio Aguero, etc sum up the Premier League - but all this time you’ve been watching Big Emile stroll around up top and spin his imaginary decks.
Admittedly, it would be ideal if Alan Shearer had make it to 516+ appearances - damn those knee injuries - but let’s not be hard on Big Hesk. A 110-goal tally doesn’t make him the greatest of plunderers, but he was fast (for a while), willing, and his unselfish runs created openings for others.
With the goals this side boasts in midfield, Heskey is actually the perfect man to lead the line (we keep telling ourselves). So here it is – the ultimate Prem XI. The last 26 years of La Liga hasn’t got anything on this. Sorry, what’s that? Lionel who?
