Injury-hit Harry Kane has vowed to do everything in his power to follow in the footsteps of David Beckham, Wayne Rooney and Jack Wilshere by not quite being match fit in time for this summer's World Cup.
Kane limped off against Bournemouth to throw England's preparations into chaos, but he reassured fans that he will be back in time to look badly off the pace in the group stage.
The Spurs ace is widely seen as England's best hope of a disappointing second-round exit, or even a meek quarter-final capitulation, which experts believe would result in an open-top bus parade and the entire squad getting MBEs.
"I know some people will think that's it for my chances, but I'm confident I can wince around the pitch for 70 goalless minutes against Tunisia and Panama before scoring a disputed penalty in a dead rubber against Belgium," Kane told FourFourTwo.
"If we do scrape through to the second round, I'm revved up about being a passenger against Colombia," he continued. "My country needs me to keep a fully-fit Marcus Rashford out of the starting XI, and an unplayable Ryan Sessegnon watching on the sofa back home. And nothing, least of all an inability to put any weight on my dominant foot, is going to stop me."
Kane added that he would probably exacerbate the injury by returning too soon and suffer recurring niggles as a result, thereby indirectly scuppering England's Euro 2020 hopes as well.
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. You'd think we didn't have to say this, wouldn't you?
