All right, we're running late so letâÂÂs get on with it...
SATURDAY
Stoke v Sunderland (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2)
ItâÂÂs all change in the Stoke line-up: cross-and-finish-duo Matthew Etherington and Kenwyne Jones should return after a rest, the Trinidadian against his former club, while Ryan Shawcross is back from suspension.
Speaking of players who love being getting sent off, Lee Cattermole will spend another month on the sidelines of SunderlandâÂÂs top-half push thanks to his ongoing back problem. Apparently he pulled a muscle trying to pick up his massive stack of red and yellow cards.
Sulley Muntari should play, though, and if thereâÂÂs any justice, keep Cattermole out of the team until heâÂÂs learnt to be a good boy (or at least to make his fouls less embarrassingly obvious).
What wonâÂÂt happen: Hopefully, any confusion from that horribly constructed sentence over whether itâÂÂs Etherington or Jones who is Trinidadian. Take a guess
What will happen: Narrow home win
Aston Villa v Fulham (3pm)
We can only hope and pray that Steve Sidwell doesnâÂÂt score for Fulham against previous club Villa, as the few football journalists who understand what irony actually is just canâÂÂt take any more misuse of the word.
Damien Duff scoring against Newcastle on Wednesday was not ironic, Mr Motson. Stop listening to Alanis Morissette.
Just as ironic was the fact it was DuffâÂÂs first league goal in almost a year. Oh, and heâÂÂs now made 500 league appearances. And, oddly, he is one of the richest players in football. This is all very ironic. The irony pulsating through these statements is so ironic, you could bottle it in an iron-clad bottle with an ironic label ironically reading, âÂÂThis, ironically, is ironic.â Pfft.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Michael Bradley walks onto the pitch singing âÂÂMy country âÂÂtis of theeâÂÂ, scores in his first game on English soil, does a lap of the pitch chanting âÂÂU-S-A! U-S-A!â and insists he wonâÂÂt play again until his dad is made Aston Villa boss
What will happen: Eidur Gudjohnsen has a stinking debut, since this blogger thinks he still has a lot to offer â albeit not a club like Stoke. Draw
Everton v Blackpool (3pm)
Is this the middle of the end for Blackpool? ItâÂÂs too late to say the beginning of the end â few who would have seen their 3-2 defeat to West Ham herald three home losses in a row immediately afterwards â but they are in the eye of the storm now.
No doubt, results need to change soon, and Ian Holloway needs to stop moaning in a West Country lilt if fans are to remember to love him, not hate him.
Hmm...West Country Lilt. Sounds quite tasty, actually. Fizzy lemon-and-lime cider with a cheddar tang.
Everton havenâÂÂt missed Tim Cahill as much as expected during his exploits playing in the Asian Cup with a team that isnâÂÂt in Asia, but they have lacked a little cutting edge.
The talisman of the Toffees and the Socceroos â two of the worse nicknames you will ever see in football, and that includes the far from intimidating Shrews, Shrimps and Shrimpers â Cahill is one of those players who can grab a win for a team that doesnâÂÂt deserve it on balance of the game.
Also, the David Moyes v Arsene Wenger mouth-fight over Fabregas is getting even better. DonâÂÂt stop now, boys.
What wonâÂÂt happen: An end to the office debate on unthreatening Football League nicknames. Chairboys? Imps? Valiants? THE POSH? Sort it out.
You donâÂÂt fancy playing the Pirates, Blades or Daggers though. On the whole, Football League nicknames get more aggressive the closer you get to the Championship: youâÂÂd be more scared of the Tigers or the Lions than you would of the Silkmen
What will happen: Thread. Lost. Uh...home win
Man City v West Brom (3pm, Absolute Radio)
Man City being chosen for live coverage? Well, who could predict that?
What wonâÂÂt happen: A more confusing prospect for this tired brain than three West Brom players being 50/50 (Jara, Cech and Dorrans). Does that make it 150 per cent one of them will feature? Peter Odemwingie will definitely play â thatâÂÂs much simpler
What will happen: Complaints, understandably, from Man City and West Brom fans unhappy with being the token âÂÂshort prediction to keep this blogâÂÂs word count downâÂÂ. Will a draw please you on both sides? Tough, home win
Newcastle v Arsenal (3pm)
Why this isnâÂÂt being covered ahead of CitehâÂÂs inevitable 2-0 win over West Brom is beyond this blogger. It could be a cracking match-up: Newcastle won the away fixture 1-0 with the help of Andy Carroll, now missing, and despite winning their last six games in all competitions, Arsenal do look beatable.
Newcastle will struggle to score, though, in this game and for the rest of the season. Following the terrible news about Shola Ameobi, itâÂÂs time for Ranger and Best to step up to the shooting plate like the Wild West gunslingers their names resemble (Peter Lovenkrands, not so much).
The good news for the Toon is that Arsenal âÂÂwelcomeâ Sebastien Squillaci back to their ranks after suspension. One to make the Gunners nervous.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Alan Pardew to introduce himself to Arsene Wenger with the words, âÂÂHello, IâÂÂm the real Professor.âÂÂ
What will happen: Kevin Nolan saves the Magpies â draw
Spurs v Bolton (3pm)
This should probably be on radio too. Sigh. That said, it wouldnâÂÂt be pretty seeing Gary Mabbutt and Sandra Redknapp in defence for an injury-wracked Spurs.
The north Londoners are definitely lacking centre-backs - fit ones, at least - and will be hoping for some home advantage to sneak an important win. They canâÂÂt afford the gap between them and the top four to widen much more...
Speaking of which, it wasnâÂÂt so long ago Bolton were in and around the fifth-place spot as well. TheyâÂÂre back down to eighth now, but could leapfrog Liverpool with a win. Daniel Sturridge may start after his nicely taken gift from Ronaldo Zubar in midweek.
What wonâÂÂt happen: A dull game: the 4-2 win for Bolton at the Reebok was excellent entertainment
What will happen: An appearance for Jonathan Woodgate, who limps off after 16 seconds. Bongani Khumalo replaces him and lasts even less time, as Spursâ defence crumbles further. A good draw for the visitors
Wigan v Blackburn (3pm)
A chance for the Latics to start turning their season around and dodge relegation? Sure it is â that doesnâÂÂt mean theyâÂÂll take it.
Blackburn were unlucky not to win against Spurs, and if Steve Kean is as good a manager as his early promise suggests, heâÂÂll use that performance to galvanise Rovers instead of leading them to dwell on lost points.
Wigan miss two key defenders, Maynor Figueroa and captain Gary Caldwell, while Blackburn will be pleased to see Jermaine Jones has recovered from his back spasm against Tottenham.
What wonâÂÂt happen: A more boring prediction, ever â sorry about that
What will happen: More crap jokes in the future, and a draw in this game
Wolves v Man United (5.30pm, ESPN & ESPN HD, TalkSPORT Radio)
Oh, Ronald Zubar. The last thing a team bottom of the table need when holding on for a vital draw is a terrible backpass/blinding through-ball deep into stoppage time. Poor Mick was speechless after the final whistle, proving, at last and at least, that every cloud has a silver lining.
Frankly, it will take a miracle if Wolves are to win this game, and a heroic effort if they are to gain a draw. They are largely injury-free, while Manchester United are Park-less due to fatigue after the KoreanâÂÂs Asian Cup efforts. Park Ji-Sung tired? Surely thatâÂÂs not even possible. Tired of what, hell freezing over?
What wonâÂÂt happen: Wolves to ship any fewer than three
What will happen: An away win takes United one step closer to the title
SUNDAY
West Ham v Birmingham (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)
The Hammersâ slow trudge out of the relegation zone (well, almost â theyâÂÂre still behind opponents Birmingham on goal difference) has been widely publicised, so much so that itâÂÂs easy to forget theyâÂÂve played two more matches than the Blues, and one more than relegation rivals Wolves and West Brom. ItâÂÂs far from over.
Indeed, just nine points separate bottom-placed Wolves from the top half, in a season that could go anywhere but actually sail in the general direction of Wolves, Wigan and West Ham all being relegated. West Brom and Newcastle may flirt with the dropzone, but like the coy mistresses they are, theyâÂÂll survive (not sure what happened to that analogy).
Birmingham havenâÂÂt lost since their humiliation at Old Trafford, but need an actual win in this potential six-pointer. Worryingly for them, the mightily useful trio Cameron Jerome, Barry Ferguson and Roger Johnson are all doubts.
What wonâÂÂt happen: This game to take place in either the Championship or the Prem next season
What will happen: West Ham take revenge for the Carling Cup semi-final with another morale-boosting win
Chelsea v Liverpool (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5 Live Radio)
Well, this is a nice quiet fixture for a Sunday afternoon. No controversy, no big story detracting from the football... how lovely.
That isnâÂÂt the case, of course, but the Torres talk could subside a touch if he doesnâÂÂt start, which is likely. Expect a second-half cameo not quite on the same plane as Luis SuarezâÂÂs on Wednesday, which was superb.
LetâÂÂs get one thing straight, though: that goal should not have been his. It was a lazy, insouciant finish that Andy Wilkinson completely cocked up in clearing, and should go down as an own goal.
And on similar lines, Match of the Day, donâÂÂt go sighing demonstratively over the skill Suarez is supposedly bringing to the Premier League when youâÂÂre showing a clip of him giving the ball away with a backheel. And donâÂÂt cut away just as an opponent intercepts it either, while claiming itâÂÂs genius on the UruguayanâÂÂs part. ThatâÂÂs cheating.
That aside, Suarez did look excellent. HeâÂÂs still a biting bat-eared bastard cheat, mind.
What wonâÂÂt happen: A bigger two-middle-fingers-up âÂÂF*** YOU!â gesture to Liverpool than Rafa BenitezâÂÂs claim he could have sold Torres for ã70 million last summer. Nicely done
What will happen: Can it be the Blues overcome the Reds? Bloody hell, even LawroâÂÂs predicting Liverpool to lose this. This blog says: draw
