Everton striker Nikica Jelavic, scorer of just one league goal in his past thirteen appearances, has told FourFourTwo he is determined to recapture his early season human form.
Jelavic, who was signed from Rangers as a humanoid target man, found the target five times in his first ten matches of this campaign, but he has recently been dropped in favour of the more technically limited but less polymorphous Victor Anichebe.
"With Victor you get a guarantee of one hundred per cent effort, and that he will end the game the same species that he began it," explained manager David Moyes. "Sadly Nikica can't give us that right now."
Jelavic had been hoping to make an impression as a substitute against Manchester United last Sunday, but spent his 35 minutes on the field gradually transforming into a Malayan tapir, which hindered his effectiveness in the final third.
"Nikica is working very hard to remain human-shaped, but he had a setback last week when he stretched for a ball in training and transformed into a walrus," continued Moyes. "We thought he was over that, but as you can see, he's a tapir now."
"He's no good to us as a tapir, or an walrus, or a sea slug. Basically, any form but human is bad, with the possible exception of shambling tree-monster, which makes everyone think fondly of Duncan Ferguson."
The Croatian is not the first shapeshifter to play in the Premier League. In 2003, Tottenham Hotspur thought they'd landed a bargain when they signed Japan World Cup star Kazuyuki Toda. However, after just four appearances, Toda was revealed to be a mischievous fox spirit, and was banished to the Netherlands having eaten Goran Bunjevcevic's soul.
