Jurgen Klopp has described his delight at the £75m signing of Virgil van Dijk, telling friends and colleagues that very soon he would have the Dutch centre-back sliced open to reveal the precious diamonds inside him.
The fee is a record-breaking one for a central defender, but Anfield sources have insisted that it was actually quite cheap given the value of the rubies, emeralds and sapphires that are believed to be concealed inside the former Celtic and Southampton man.
“I have it on excellent authority that where you and I have a pancreas, Virgil has a huge lapis lazuli, the like of which you’ve never seen before,” Klopp told FourFourTwo. “His appendix is an enormous garnet, and his small intestine is a glorious string of pearls.”
Slicey-dicey
Klopp said it was common knowledge that the Southampton star was ram-packed with gemstones, which made it all the more surprising that none of his former clubs had ever thought to cut him open and exploit his mineral wealth.
“I’m not sure how they got in there,” he said, “but I know how they’re coming out. A bit of anaesthetic and a bit of slicey-slicey and untold riches will be ours. We can finally invest in a decent centre-back.”
He added that the Liverpool board had initially been reluctant to sanction the deal, but put their doubts aside once Klopp showed them a pencil sketch of John Henry wearing a tiara mounted with a diamond twice the size of the Koh-i-Noor.
“Even if [Van Dijk] only has a single 70-carat diamond in there, it will be worth the transfer fee,” Klopp said. “And I’m sure you’ll agree that that’s pretty unlikely.”
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