Stop holding your breath! After listing the best quotes from the first six months of what we must now call 'last year', your very own Tim Stannard completes the jobâ¦
July
âÂÂIt doesnâÂÂt help having an orchestra with the 10 best guitarists if I donâÂÂt have a pianistâ â Manuel Pellegrini treads a path familiar to many a manager at Real Madrid, as the club follows its traditional sporting policy: âÂÂHereâÂÂs a footballer, minion, now go do something useful with him!âÂÂ
âÂÂIâÂÂve been in the eye of a hurricane since I was 17. There were times I thought about going but then said âÂÂWhere am I going to go?âÂÂâ â Raul's quandary is quickly answered by Real MadridâÂÂs bosses, whose suggestion of âÂÂAnywhere but here, moody chopsâ forces the club captain to Schalke.
âÂÂMister... I came here to win and with you we can do it!â says Ronaldo lovingly to Jose Mourinho. âÂÂIâÂÂm going to make you a winner again!â is the gooey response from the manager. That's the emotional interchange between the Galactico pair â as imagined by Marca, anyway â who come over all Mills & Boon on RonaldoâÂÂs return to pre-season training.
LLL, 28 July: The king is dead. Long live Ronaldo!
August
âÂÂThis is going to be my year at Real Madridâ â Turns out Karim Benzema is quite right, as long as by "my year" the lackadaisical Frenchman meant âÂÂscore just one league goal and be publicly insulted by my boss for being a lazy so-and-soâÂÂ.
âÂÂLet them prove this, and if they do let them punish us, but they wonâÂÂt as there is nothingâ â Hercules player Tote already knows that absolutely nothing will be done by those running the game in Spain after another match-fixing scandal (involving the Alicante sideâÂÂs promotion from la Segunda) is swept under the carpet.
âÂÂIf something happens to Higuain or Benzema, then weâÂÂll have a problemâ â The Special One with a special prediction that four months later causes a falling out with his bosses over the signing of a new striker when the Argentinian comes a cropper with a back injury.
âÂÂIf IâÂÂm feeling a bit low then I put it on againâ â Andres Iniesta reveals that he gets happy watching the DVD of his World Cup-winning goal if the he ever has to spent too much time in the company of grouchy Victor Valdes.
"C'mon, grumpy, dance! Dance!! DANCE!!!!"
September
âÂÂI recognise that I donâÂÂt have the talents of my teammates in the Spanish side... I see Iniesta playing and all the others and think âÂÂIâÂÂd pay to watch themâÂÂâ â Joan Capdevila is very much the modest man in reflecting on the summerâÂÂs World Cup victory.
âÂÂIâÂÂm here for 10 days of holidayâ â Ordering Esteban Granero to run around some cones during the international break isnâÂÂt a great strain for Jose Mourinho, who claims he could combine some Bernabeu baby-sitting with looking after the Portugal team in their time of crisis.
âÂÂHe is egotistical. I will say that, but not in a bad wayâ â Iker Casillas gives his full support to better half Sara Carbonero, who claimed in an interview that Cristiano Ronaldo was, like a narcissistic opera singer warming up, all "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!".
âÂÂWe were watching a Premier League game and in 10 minutes there were four or five similar tackles but there were no cardsâ â Aitor Ocio laments the âÂÂcontact equals yellowâ ruling of la LigaâÂÂs clown posse of match-ruining referees after colleague Fernando Amorebieta saw red in a 3-1 defeat against Barça.
âÂÂI donâÂÂt have to justify the absence of Pedro León to youâ â Having left the Madrid midfielder out of the Champions League squad to face Auxerre, Jose Mourinho fails to realise that if he won't get a quiet life in the press unless he explains himself.
LLL (with video), 28 September: Jose Mourinho finally gets mad
October
âÂÂIf a good offer comes along, IâÂÂll study itâ â Diego Forlan gets himself into a spot of hot water with his bosses and fans after this admission on the chances of him moving back to England for another crack at the Premier League.
âÂÂHe didnâÂÂt hit me, but it could have hurt had he done itâ â AlmeriaâÂÂs Juanma Ortiz comes up with a Minority Report excuse for his face-clutching dive after getting MalagaâÂÂs Eliseu sent off.
âÂÂWhen it comes to sex, IâÂÂm very old-school. IâÂÂm old-school and boring in everythingâ â Real Sociedad coach Martin Lasarte takes the concept of a revealing interview to the extreme, as Mrs Lasarte nods her head sadly.
"Let's give 'im the benefit of our expeeeerience..."
âÂÂPepâÂÂs renewal will not be a soap operaâ â An insanely hopeful prediction from Sport, considering the paper is still running stories on the Barça bossâ next contract deal.
âÂÂYou canâÂÂt imagine the headache I have planning training with no pitchesâ â Hercules manager Esteban Vigo thinks he has problems, but they got worse: he and his squad went unpaid, forcing on-loan Royston Drenthe to return to Real Madrid.
âÂÂThey have manipulated the accounts we presentedâ â Joan Laporta responds to accusations from the new Barcelona board that his supposed end-of-year profit was nothing of the sort.
November
âÂÂAfter two years most of my hair fell out. Imagine what itâÂÂll be like after 50!â â Pep Guardiola responds to Jose MourinhoâÂÂs suggestion that the Barça boss should stay at the Camp Nou for the next half a century.
LLL, 10 November: The only coach who loves La Liga life
âÂÂI was possibly a bit hard and went too far, but deep down IâÂÂm proud of what I said and would say it againâ â Sporting manager Manuel Preciado regrets nada having called Jose Mourinho a âÂÂscumbagâ for his suggestions that his Asturian side gave up in a clash against Barça at the Camp Nou by fielding a weakened team.
âÂÂLetâÂÂs see if they score eight on Monday!â â Reacting to Barcelona's 8-0 win over Almeria in the game before a certain Clasico clash, Cristiano Ronaldo is quite right: Barça only manage to put five past Real Madrid.
December
âÂÂManuel Preciado should call Mourinho and ask why he let Barcelona winâ â After Real MadridâÂÂs Clasico outclassing, professional cheeky-chappy (ie nut-job) and Osasuna striker Walter Pandiani gets out the stirring spoon.
âÂÂWe have to do this to pay the salaries!â â Sandro Rosell pleads poverty as the reason for the Barcelona upsetting a few socios by signing a five-year â¬165m deal with the Qatar Foundation.
âÂÂBarça is no longer 'more than a club', itâÂÂs just like any other clubâ â Johan Cruyff, perhaps still a tad touchy some five months after incoming president Sandro Rosell took away his shiny president-of-honour badge.
âÂÂIâÂÂd have preferred to watch a game in the Vietnamese League on Eurosport than thisâ â A remarkably grumpy Jose Mourinho fails to enjoy his teamâÂÂs 1-0 over Sevilla that preceded a rant against his bosses and the leagueâÂÂs referees.
âÂÂMourinho is a cry babyâ â Unai Emery doesn't hold water with his Portuguese colleagueâÂÂs theory that the countryâÂÂs referees are out to get Real MadridâÂÂs men.
