Lee Dixon: Ask A Silly Question

Hi Lee. You're pals with Heston Blumenthal. Has he ever made you a nice slice of toast, or does everything have to be fired out of a cannon and marinated in butterfly wings first?
It's funny: I go round to Heston's house every New Year's Eve or they come to our place, and we always order an Indian takeaway. He tends not to cook, for obvious reasons, and we don't want to pressure him.

Shame. We'd expect cous-cous unicorns answering the door and floating soup.
No, nothing like that. He does have chickens roaming about. I always think, you don't want to be living here, lads! But you feel the pressure a little bit when he comes round. I try to go for a safe option like pasta.

Imagine a plane containing all of Britain's TV chefs crashes in the Andes. Who is the first to be overpowered and cannibalised?
Probably Jamie Oliver, just to shut him up. I like Jamie, but he talks a lot. You could stick an orange in his mouth to muffle him, then get him on the grill. I'd season him with olive oil, salt and pepper.

Who'd be head cannibal chef?
I'd back Heston all day long to hold his own in a battle with Gordon Ramsay. He used to body build and was massive. No problem.

And which footballer would make the keenest cannibal?
Niall Quinn. I once saw him eat three pizzas and three McDonald's in a row. He can eat for Ireland. It wouldn't take long in the cannibal situation for Niall to get stuck in.

Do you think chefs would taste better than footballers, what with all the fine food they eat?
Are you obsessed with cannibalism or something? Seriously, have you got a problem?

We've got carried away, perhaps.
Maybe. I've forgotten the question now. Er, chefs. They've already got salt on them, while footballers probably taste of Germolene.

True. Moving on, do you have a pointless loyalty towards electrical retailer Dixons?
Well, it is my family's business.

Really?
No. I'm joking. I wish!

Sorry. We can be very gullible.
Well, when I was a kid I used to say to my dad, "Why are we living in a council house when the shop's doing so well?"

Did you feel betrayed when it was rebranded as Currys.digital?
Yeah. What's that all about? Jif becoming Cif, Marathon becoming Snickers. Where will it end?

It's sad. Now, let's imagine Arsene Wenger is at a theme park. Do you think he'd opt for a water-based ride, or a rollercoaster?
I reckon Arsene would go on the dodgems. He'd drive carefully around the edge, and wouldn't get involved in any bumping.

Would he enjoy some candy-floss afterwards?
No. I reckon Arsene is more of a toffee apple man.

Do you eat the apple core, Lee?
You know what, I've just started doing that in the last six months. I don't know why. Sometimes I even chew up and eat the stalk.

Yum. Do you have any odd dreams?
Yeah. I had a one that I was playing poker against Teddy Sheringham. My cards were blank – like a blank tile in Scrabble – so I could turn the cards into whatever I wanted. But for some reason, Teddy was still beating me despite my supercards.

Enraging. Do you ever lose your rag for real?
I used to, playing golf, but not any more. The worst for that is Ian Wright. He once shanked a shot so badly that he shouted, "I need to self-harm!" then drove his buggy into a tree. Unfortunately, I was in the buggy, and he jumped out to safety. I was the one who got hurt.

Unbelievable. Finally: how much cash would you have to be paid to lick a sweaty dog's face five times?
I'd do it for free. I do it every night with my mongrels, Sabre and Blue.

A lovely image! Cheers for the chinwag, Lee.
No problem. It's been fun!

Interview: Nick Moore. From the August 2011 issue of FourFourTwo.