Marouane Fellaini has been extended to eight feet tall, Manchester United have confirmed at a press conference this afternoon.
Following tense negotiations, the Belgian agreed to be stretched to his new height in exchange for an improved salary and a new custom-made high-ceilinged house near Wilmslow.
“We’re delighted to have extended Fellaini after months of talks with his agent and members of the medical profession,” Jose Mourinho told FourFourTwo.
“We knew that Marouane had been weighing up other clubs, and had concerns about the agonising pain of being stretched on a rack plus the permanent internal damage it was almost certain to inflict, but in the end we both agreed it was the best deal for both parties.
“It’s going to be hard for teams to deal with Fellaini now given that he’s the second-tallest man in the world, plus we can finally get that lightbulb changed in the dressing room.”
Unfair on the hair
Speaking from a medieval torture rack, Fellaini expressed his excitement at beginning a new chapter in his time at Old Trafford, between tortured screams.
“Oh God please kill me now, this is a fate worse than death,” Fellaini wailed at FourFourTwo. “I thought I could grow pretty much two feet with hair alone, but it turns out that’s all I’ve got.
“Staying at Everton would’ve been better than this, even with the constant threat of being invited to one of David Moyes’s barbecues.
“And by that I mean I’m looking forward to giving my all in the push for a Champions League spot, or at least until my spine gives way.”
Please note: This fictional news story is not real. Like, obviously.
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